My Life Come Together

The Vintage Pearl: calligraphy. (a giveaway!)

2011-05-12T11:29:00.000-05:00

The Vintage Pearl: calligraphy. (a giveaway!)

I would love, love, love a piece from them.

Well, I called that one

2011-04-11T11:47:00.003-05:00

It's April. So.. yeah 4-5 months later, right? And with a new background I saw and loved and kinda stole from a fellow blogger. Shameful. Downright shameful.

Oh well.

I'm still here...

2011-01-25T11:20:00.009-06:00

So maybe I'll just write something when I want to change the background of my blog. Check back in... um... let's say 4-5 months? So the babies turned 10 moths yesterday. And are adorable (duh). I was reading over the last post I wrote and wanted to give updates on things that are so old I don't even think about them anymore.

Breastfeeding/pumping: I'm not doing it anymore! I weaned. It kinda sucked, but man is it great to not have to do that anymore.

Bad Habits: (like the swaddling) We don't go to sleep with a pacifier anymore. They only get it when we're out and about. That was hard, but I think it's better that it happened already rather than have a horrible drawn out process.

Travel: We went camping and froze our asses off. We didn't get any sleep the second night because a cold front came through which kept the babies up. We had the babies on our air mattress with us and I didn't sleep at. all. But otherwise it was fun. (And let me just say, a portable noise machine was awesome; babies napped!) We also went to Colorado to the cabin. Which is more like a cabin than I thought. Like, two miles up the mountain on a single dirt road, go buy water to fill up the water tank, it takes 30 minutes to get to anywhere, cabin. So that was an adventure. The first night I was swearing to never do this again, but by the second night, it was better. We had fun, but it was a lot of work traveling to the middle of nowhere with babies.

Decorating: H's room is done. It took a lot longer than I'd like to admit, but its finished. I still haven't done anything more than put of stickers in Z's room. They're very cute stickers, but still... they're stickers.

This is the decal set I got; it's pretty freaking cute, IMO. I also got some flowers from another set. I set it up and pulled a couple out to make artwork for the other walls and stuck flowers over door frames and light switches and at other various points around the room. The Z in the second picture is from her names spelled out over her bed. I realized I don't have her room photographed like H's.. oops.

(Please pardon the mess in the background thankyouverymuch.)

Other than that... a lot's been happening. They both crawl around like crazy. H pulls himself into a stand and is super close to standing on his own. Z doesn't have the strength for that yet, thanks to the princess-like attitude of; I prefer to sit, why do you want me to stick my legs out? But she sees H doing things she can't and so she's trying.

H is in a helmet. It was determined by measurements that is head was misshapen enough to have insurance cover it. Yay! I felt quite superior about that as most doctors seemed to pooh-pooh it by looking at it alone. But you can't argue with cold hard numbers that prove it is as bad as I thought ha ha! (And then I feel kinda weird, like yay? My son's head is that screwed up? Mother of the Year right here.)

M and I are about to go on our very first adults-only baby free trip. To Las Vegas! We'll only be gone two nights, but the worry started as soon as I bought those plane tickets. Gma is coming into town to stay with the babies and my mom will be over when she gets out of school (she's a teacher), so things should be fine. But, still. The control freak in me is making itself known.

And I can't forget: Holidays. Thanksgiving left us fat. Babies gagged and threw up the ground fresh turkey I pulled off the bird that day. (Everyone else thought it was good.) I co-hosted at our house with M's mom (who was injured thanks to her husband running her leg over. No, seriously. There's a story there, but it's long; needless to say, it was an accident and she's

recovering/ed nicely after two surgeries and many pins and screws in her leg.)

Xmas was great as well. We stayed in town for my family and then went to SA for M's side. Babies had fun pulling paper off of boxes and out of bags. I think. They really didn't do much except look bewildered when were excited that they pulled a strip of paper off a present. It was a good holiday though. It looked like Fisher Price threw up all over our living room. The

y could have filmed a commercial. (And as an aside, is it only me who feels weird opening baby gifts? It's like ooohh... thanks... they'll love this... (I think) and thank you for buying my baby stuff. Does anyone else get this? Because its not yours, for you, yet you're the one opening it.)

And the sibling rivalry begins.

Wow

2010-09-20T11:24:00.004-05:00

So maybe I'll just post once every 3 months or so?

Yay me!

The babies are 6 months on the 24th! Wahoo! In that time since I've last posted, we've worked through weaning from the swaddle, starting cereal and weaning from the pump. We weighed the babies yesterday and they weigh in at 18 pounds and 16 pounds 9 ounces. I got me some chunky monkeys. Man.

Weaning the swaddle was... ugh. I wish we hadn't kept them swaddled whenever they slept. We are so just creatures of schedule and 'this is the way it is done for it has worked well until now' and, well, you know, habit. And the swaddling did work. And if we swaddled them again, I'm sure they (or at least Zoe) would love it. But having to find and buy expensive ass swaddling blankets they won't break out of (because when they do they wake themselves up and cry because they aren't swaddled anymore) is the mark of enough. And no more swaddling. Also was tired of getting the side eye from the mom and sister about it.

The cereal! Oh, how the babies LOVE the cereal! We started with rice, then moved onto oatmeal, then barley and finally multi-grain. For fun, about a week ago I gave them an avocado.

Henderson ate a few bites before realizing how much he hated it and proceeded to gag himself

into throwing it all up. It was quite lovely. Zoe realized quickly she didn't like it and clamped her lips shut after spitting out the first couple of bites. They both regarded me as an evil person who tried to pull something over on them and they did not appreciate it. Not at all. So we went back to cereal. And after the pediatrician visit this week, we'll be venturing out into the real food arena once more. Babies beware!

And I am trying to wean. We have acquired a deep freezer on loan and are stockpiling all the last of the liquid gold I hope to stop producing. After the pediatrician said it would be better for them to get one bottle of breast milk a day because of all the immunities, we switched them to all

formula, but one bottle. So we're hoping the milk will last a good while through the fall. And I'm hoping my boobs dry up real quick.

We are going on a trip! One of the reasons I want to quit, is that bringing the hated pump on vacation with me does not sound like fun. And shortly after going to visit Gma and Bob in their "cabin" in CO we'll be going camping, with no electricity, so I damn sure better be done by then. For reals. We're a little nervous about flying with two six month olds and staying away from home for a week, with all of us having to share a room. It will be interesting. But the babies have done really well in other new situations, so I'm hopeful. We went to a grill and bar and watched

the Packer game Sunday (the whole game!). Babies ate their cereal, drank their bottle, sat in a highchair for the first time and napped in their carseat. And did great! No crying! We had a

plumbing incident in the bathroom accessible only through the babies rooms, so did a trial run of playpen sleeping all in the same room, and it was... well. That was ok. But I think it'll be better in CO. Henderson did awesomely well. Zoe is a tougher napper anyway, so, we'll see.

In more humorous of updates; the babies had their first "fight" over a toy. It's this fake taggie ball they have and if they're sitting next to each other and one of them has the ball... the other one wants it. And if they're close enough, will grab for it. And if they aren't close enough, they watch it the entire time as if beckoning it within reach with their stare. It's pretty freaking funny to watch.

I'm decorating the babies rooms. It's taking forever. I started H's room (I want to paint six stripes in a band around the room in five different colors. I am CRAZY.) and then moved onto Z's where wall decals made doing her room much, much easier. I'm still thinking about what else I need to do in there - it needs something else, I just don't know what. I'm thinking paint? But

what? So now I'm still stuck in H's trying to tape the stripe pattern and driving myself crazy. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get tape up around an entire room in an even, perfectly level stripe? I can't measure from the ceiling - it's uneven. Same for the floor. And the doors and window make it incredibly difficult to keep the tape even all the way around. M thinks I'm certifiable for doing this. And maybe I am. After this I want to do their bathroom and then the

other guest bath. But that should be pretty easy. I just need to find gender neutral bathroom

decorations that I like for theirs and then just paint the other one - I already have the color picked out.

I have to stop now - it's feeding time for the little bits. And I'll leave some recent pictures. It's the least I can do.

So cute

Go Packers!

Go Longhorns!

And as is a subject of much fascination in my household - Z has my eye color (green) (and, it looks like, my red hair - now we'll just have to see if it's curly like mine), but H? Those blue eyes? Daddy has brown eyes, like most of his family. And there are distant blue eyes on my side. So where did they come from? Genes are a funny, funny thing.

Super Slacker

2010-07-14T09:59:00.003-05:00

Wow. So the last time I wrote a blog post... May... man do I know how to completely ignore and put something off.

Let's see, reading from the last post, the twins were about to get vaccinated. They did, and they did fine. They were very cranky immediately afterwards, but slept a lot that day and the next. They had a knot in their legs from one of the shots that just went away.

And my boob! Well, it had to get drained. It was very painful, since it was infected. More antibiotics finally cleared it up and Lecithin has kept recurring clogged ducts at bay (knock on wood). So, I'm still pumping and the babies are still exclusively eating breast milk - yay! This has also helped me drop close to fifteen pre-pregnancy pounds - wahoo! Getting close to pre-IF drugs weight! I'm just excited that a whole portion of my wardrobe has opened up, clothes that I had stopped wearing due to uncomfortableness from being so fat.

M has gotten the snip. Mwah-hahahah... I'm so glad he did that so I don't have to worry about getting pregnant again, and don't have to take any hormones. I think my body has had enough. I know it was hard on him, but I'm so glad he did it.

The babies are three and a half months old now. It's awesome because they smile all the time and are much more vocal. The next pediatrician appointment is at the end of July - they'll get more vaccines and hopefully a clean bill of health. We don't plan on starting solids until closer to six months, and will see what our Dr says about that - my mom was surprised to hear that its recommended that you wait until babies are six months. She has been advising my sister, who started her baby at four months... it's amazing to me that people don't do their own research. I know we all turned out "fine" but I don't see the need to rush it.

And now for some pics! The first is Miss Zee looking adorable, the second is Mr. H looking dashing and handsome in his post bath robe, and the last are them looking, to me, like the American Gothic painting. I like the pic a lot.

New Name

2010-05-26T05:12:00.002-05:00

So I have officially changed the name of my blog. I was trying to come up with something that sounded like my old title 'My Life in Limbo' but was the opposite of being 'in limbo'. I don't think I found anything especially clever, but the new title seems to fit pretty well.

The twins are two months old. Tomorrow they go in for their first round of vaccinations. I'm slightly worried about these; how the babies will feel and behave after them. But, otherwise the babies are doing well. H has some head-shape issues that I hope we can talk about and get resolved... I know it's a problem, but it is impossible to get him to sleep on the side of his head - he moves it. And I have those head shaping pillow things, but they aren't supposed to sleep in those, so... ? There's only so much I can do.

The babies are officially in their nursery now, which is nice. I don't know that we sleep a ton better, its more like we make a lot more trips up the stairs. They're sleeping pretty well - we even got a few seven hour stretches recently. I'd say their biggest sleep deterrent is gas. And mylicon isn't the savior I'd hoped for. It helps, but not in a 'OMG its gone!' type way that you hope for at 2am.

My boobs have had issues though. I have an infection in the left one; a clogged duct that wouldn't go away developed into a raging infection. I never felt bad (like I've heard people with mastitis feel) but the skin turned red and warm. I had an ultrasound and they found abscesses, which were attacked with antibiotics, then determined to be need to be drained (OUCH!) and attacked with another round of antibiotics... and now, a week after the draining, there is still a small lump and the surface of my skin is still pink. I need to call and see what they want me to do as my antibiotics are about to run out. I just wish this would go away.

Pictures!

2010-05-13T15:37:00.005-05:00

Funny Faces

One Month!

Life Since

2010-05-04T12:35:00.005-05:00

The babies will be 6 weeks old tomorrow. And since then my life has been all about milk. Seriously and literally. From the day the babies were born my main concerns have been about supply and clogged ducts and the schedule. The good: pumping and breast feeding got me into pre-pregnancy (fat) jeans two weeks post partum and was below my first OB appointment weight (I was ~9 weeks) by 4 weeks post partum. It's hard to believe I lost 50 pounds in less than a month.

Of course my body is now completely different, something BFing and pumping will never help me with. My stomach is riddled with stretch marks, from hip to hip and even some over my now stretched out belly button. My body is now completely different. The consistency of my stomach, the shape of my figure... I knew it would change, but I had no idea how much. It's a good thing I don't plan on being in a swimsuit this summer. I still want to lose more weight, but I need to start exercising to regain some muscle. Going through fertility treatments makes it hard to exercise. And sitting on the couch for the last 9 months or so is no good for muscle tone; needless to say, I've lost a lot of it. Getting it back will suck, but being flabby sucks more.

The bad: The pain. Clogged ducts - suck. And hurt. My nipples are still incredibly sore. My breasts are sore. I wake up in the middle of the night to pump because my breasts hurt. I can't wait until this gets easier. My back is also the other casualty of my boobs. I was always generously endowed, but they've gotten bigger and are hurting my back. Of course, I'm not sure how much is just my back trying to get back into good form after carrying 15 pounds around on my belly. I'm proud of myself to have made it this far with breastfeeding/pumping, but man. It hasn't been a fun journey.

At least the babies are doing well. They are amazing. They're both gaining weight (last weigh in last week put H at 10 pounds 5.5 ounces and Z at 9 lbs 5.5 oz) and sleeping (knock on wood) pretty well. Their chief complaint (and mine) is gas. Man, oh man, having gas as a baby sucks. Big time. I know it could be a lot worse, but I feel bad for them because they seem to be in such pain.

The schedule we started doing from the day we brought them home is still in effect. And working well for us. I mean, I wish I could get more sleep, but I'm getting more than I thought I would, which is very nice. It goes a little something like this:

10am: Diaper change, feed and awake time. They're usually up for about an hour, then back to bed.
1pm: Diaper change, feed and awake time. Back to sleep after an hour or so.
4pm: Diaper change, feed and awake time. Back to sleep after an hour or so.
7pm: Diaper change, feed and straight to bed.
10pm: Diaper change feed and straight to bed.
Middle of the night: We let them dictate what time they wake up... it's usually between 2 and 3am. Then we change diapers, feed and put them back to bed.
6am: Diaper change, feed and straight to bed.

We're flexible with the schedule, adjusting it as things get pushed or moved. The longer sleep times during the night get bigger bottles with the feedings. I pump every time they eat, and try to nurse them once a day, which substitutes a feeding and a pump. And, of course, we haven't been perfect and the schedule has been shot to hell, but most days it works and we try to keep it as a guideline.

Being the only person during the day to take care of them has been hard - especially in the beginning. Taking care of them, and remembering to take care of myself... (little to no milk if I don't eat, don't sleep or am stressed, as I learned the hard way). But it's gotten easier. It was quite a shock to the system but I've (sadly) gotten used to one baby crying. I hate it, but sometimes it just has to happen. I've been incredibly spoiled and fortunate to have a wonderful mother-in-law who stayed with us the first two weeks after we brought the babies home. She cleaned for us, cooked for us and helped me with babies when M had to start working again. We've also been fortunate that M has been able to work from home most days, until now.

Sorry for the lack of pictures and stories - I mainly wanted to get something on record here... it's not cute or funny, but there it is.

Some bragging:
H had held up his own bottle, numerous times, from his first week home.
H has had awesome head control... and Z is getting better and better.
Z has peed on me more than H
H once peed over his own head onto our bed (thanks M for changing him on the bed)
Z had explosive diarrhea onto M's hand.. he yelled for me that he had an emergency lol
Z smiles randomly and every once in a while has made cooing noises. They're so sweet. M got one when he stroked her cheek. I haven't gotten one yet and am incredibly jealous.

The Birth Story

2010-04-16T11:26:00.004-05:00

Well, I am officially a blog slack ass. I have had very little time to myself and therefore no time to blog. But, I wanted to get this out, while it was still somewhat fresh.

So we enter the hospital at 5:30am for our scheduled induction. I am 38 weeks pregnant and was 1-2 cm dilated. Both babies are head down, so we hope for a vaginal delivery. We get admitted and the party gets started at around 7:30am when the pitocin starts. I start contracting, but they aren't super contractions and nothing I can't live through. My doctor comes in and breaks my (Henderson's) water (which was more uncomfortable than I thought it would be - not the water breaking, but the hand shoved up my hoo-ha). And we wait. I get super hungry but thanks to the no food rule, I suffer. Pregnant women being forced to starve is kinda cruel.

The pitocin does its job and I dilate more. I get checked every once in a while and things are moving slowly... they say I should dilate at least one centimeter per hour with the pitocin. I was going slower than that, so they upped the pitocin, but then had to decrease it back because the contractions were coming too close together too early. At around 3-4 cm dilated I get an epidural. Contractions were uncomfortable (easy to say now, 3 weeks later) but livable - the nurse kinda talked me into it since I was getting one anyway, why be uncomfortable? Good reasoning, I thought, so I said sure! Let's go! I got the epidural from a very nice and talkative doctor (Dr. Duncan). The procedure didn't hurt but felt weird. And the sensations from it were also weird. It wasn't an experience I would like to repeat, but it worked, which is all that mattered.

So I labor on blissfully pain free. It was great - until it wasn't pain free. I realize that I was starting to feel things. Cramping and backaches. (Oh, yes - Henderson was faced the wrong way which invoked back labor - which hurts. A lot.) So I tell my nurse and she gets Dr. Duncan again and he gives me a boost. Which is lovely. I go back to not feeling a thing and keep laboring and slowly progressing. Henderson is still turned the wrong way, so I am rotated to try to help him turn. They can't try to rotate him in-utero because there simply isn't the space, and they don't want to disturb Zoe. I also start feeling things again. I try and hold off saying anything because at this point I'm kinda freaked out about how much medicine I'm burning through and that I'm able to feel things with the epidural (and that I'm feeling things faster than before - the boost didn't last very long compared to the initial start of the epidural.) I mention it and around the same time, I've been on my side for an hour without Henderson rotating at all. I'm dilated to 7cm at this point, but my cervix has started to thicken - I'm starting to move backwards.

A new anesthesiologist is on duty and is called in. She gets to my room at about the same time it's decided that I'll be having a c-section. Now, I could never envision myself pushing these babies out and kinda thought that a c-section would be pretty clean and simple... but alas, the c-sections I saw on TV were NOT what I would be getting. Please read no further if you are worried about getting a c-section or don't want to read scary things that could happen.

The anesthesiologist takes stock of everything and starts pumping me full of drugs. I am really, really hoping these things kick in quickly, because I'm still feeling cramping and having back pain on my left side and we're heading towards the OR with frightening speed. We get to the OR and I still feel things. I start numbing (finally), but am freaked out because I can still move my legs and feet. So they start. I don't feel the cut but feel a lot of pressure. It was surprising how long it took for them to get to the babies - it felt like a long time until they pushed to get Henderson out. They push on me and Henderson is born. The pushing and pressure hurt a lot. They then start to get Zoe. I feel more pushing, pressure and pain. She was up on my right side, directly beneath my ribs. She was born two minutes after Henderson and after she was out, I remember being able to take a deep breath, like I haven't been able to do in months. I remember my doctor saying that she was peeing on them, which made me laugh. All the pressure is gone, all of a sudden. I didn't get to see either of them, which makes me teary eyed even now. I'm getting pain 'tests' throughout their birth and am apparently failing them, because they start to get the placenta, which was at the top of my uterus and I feel sharp pains. After that, I remember nothing.

I wake up in recovery with a lot of pain. They pump me full of more drugs (Demerol, I think?) before giving me morphine on a pump. I don't know if any of that is normal or not, but all I know is that I was in a lot of pain and it was about 9:00 - two hours after my babies had been born. I still hadn't seen them yet. M was there when I woke up and was able to tell me about the babies - he got to carry them downstairs and introduce them to our family who was waiting outside the nursery. When I get released from recovery they wheel me down past the nursery for my first look at my babies. I finally get to meet them later in my room.

Needless to say, this was not the birth I had envisioned and it makes me a little sad to look back at my experience. I really wanted to see them and get pictures taken with them. I really wanted to be able to meet them sooner after their birth. I really wanted the experience to be pain free. I really hoped it would be like what you see on TV, but should have known better, I suppose. At least M was able to be there with them and me throughout, and they were both born healthy which makes me happy and is all that really matters.

Babies Are Here!

2010-04-05T14:48:00.004-05:00

(I have a lot to write and no time to do it, so I'm going to try and work backwards and start from the beginning.)

We went into the hospital March 24, 2010 to be induced and Henderson was born at 7:11pm, Zoe at 7:13pm. They weighed 7lbs 6.8oz and 7lbs 1.5oz and were 19.75 and 19.5 inches long. We had complications during the attempted vaginal delivery so I ended up with a c-section (that is a whole different story - will have to write about that later).

But they are here, and perfect and we are just amazed by them. H had to stay an extra day (so we all stayed so we could go home together) due to jaundice, so we didn't go home until March 29.

Ok... Now What

2010-03-19T12:25:00.003-05:00

So we have a plan. Am being induced Wednesday. Today is Friday. Things... feel a little different. I have almost constant back ache. I have more contractions, but mostly non-painful ones (believe me I'm not complaining about that) that don't feel productive. I mean, I think they're supposed to hurt and the tightening I feel when I get up don't really count. I have more painful contractions when I have painful contractions. And they're in my back and stomach and are painful to distraction. They really kill my back. They bring me fully awake and make me feel somewhat restless. But nothing... regular. No water breaking. It hurts like hell just to stand, so I've been on my ass all day. But the waiting. The analyzing every feeling, every difference, like - could this be it? Am I going into labor? And then... nothing. It is slightly reminiscent of the 2ww - What does this feeling mean? Could it be?

Ugh. I am driving myself batty. When is this going to happen? What is it going to be like? Will I end up with a section? Will the babies be ok? I just wish something would happen. Although the thought of going through everything freaks me out... but at least once it starts, it'll be over soon. And I'll know that everything is ok, that I'm ok and that the babies are ok.

Great 36w6d Appointment!

2010-03-17T16:43:00.002-05:00

We had a growth scan and the babies are doing well!

I'm dilated 1-2cm (yay, progress!). If nothing happens by next Wednesday, we induce (yay, end in sight! And! A plan!). Babies measured 7lbs 3oz and 7lbs, although according to the u/s tech, she subtracts 8 oz off each because they're twins and likely to be smaller, so really they're measuring larger... (whatever the hell that means - we had a new lady we've never had before and she was highly annoying. High voice and talked to us like we were three, was the only one who hasn't let me go pee before the scan, and... acted like she was on her tenth cup of coffee).

My OB came in and said well it looks like you've got about 15 pounds of baby in you; so that's what I'm going with; she also said I have a large amount of amniotic fluid, which can make the babies look larger than they are on a scan. Baby Boy has dropped even lower. I lost five pounds (yay!) from the ten pound spurt I had from last week (I had gained ten in a week, but the nurse said it was water retention... I sure as hell hope so). BP was ok (130/88 or something - getting a little high) and I'm still swole like the hulk. We go back next Tuesday, if nothing has happened to check on things and, I guess, to firm up inducing-type things.

And this was posted on the boards, and made me laugh, so I'm copying it here.

The Top 15 Stupid Things People Say to Parents of Twins
15. “I could never do it.” (Oh really. What would you do? Are you suggesting I put them on the curb with signs around their necks that say, “Free to a good home. My mom can’t do it.”?)
14. “Do they have different personalities?” (No. They are the same human being divided into two parts.)
13. Said by a stranger, “They’re identical, right?” Mom answers, “No. They’re fraternal.” Stranger response, “They are NOT!” (OK. You’re right. I have no idea what I’m talking about. These are not my children. I thought it would be fun to borrow them from a mom down at Baby Gap. It’s been more than an hour. I guess I should return them.)
12. “Are they ‘paternal’ twins?” (Yes. They have a father. There was only one virgin birth.)
11. “Just wait till they’re older. It only gets harder.” (Thank you. I woke up this morning hoping I’d receive a word of discouragement while pushing a cart of preschoolers down the cereal aisle.)
10. “When one cries, does he wake the other?” (No. Twins cannot hear each other’s cries because they all communicate with their special telepathic language only.)
9. From a perfect stranger: “Were they in the same sac?” (Hello. Nice to meet you, too. Will you be sharing your gynecological history with me as well?)
8. “Are they developmentally behind?” (Well, let’s see. They’re 3 years old and thus far, all their graduate school applications have been denied. We’ll get back with you on that.)
7. “How do you do it?” (Haven’t you seen the Nike commercials?)
6. Said by a dentist: “I was shocked that they didn’t have the same bite patterns.” (They are two different human beings, not clones.)
5. “You must be SO busy.” (Are you volunteering to clean my house?)
4. Said to a mom of fraternal twins who are different sizes, have different eye color and different face structure: “How do you tell them apart?” (I just look at them.)
3. “What do you do when they both cry at the same time?” (Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I go to Starbucks.)
2. Said to a mom of boy/girl twins: “Are they identical?” (Uh. Not exactly. One has a penis)
1. Only one comment could be voted No. 1. The choice was clear. Drum roll, please. After a stranger had been informed that the toddler boys were twins, she asked a simple question: “Are they brothers?” (Enough said.)

36w1d

2010-03-11T15:49:00.002-06:00

How far along? 36w 1d
Total weight gain/loss: :'( My goal to stay at a 40 pound weight gain has been... unsuccessful. I'm so sad. In the last week I gained ten pounds. TEN! The nurse said it was water retention (which is quite evident in my swollen ass feet) but it makes me sad. I was so proud of myself until yesterday.
Maternity clothes? All the time.
Stretch marks? Getting more and more daily. They go from hip to hip and are now spreading up my stomach. I look like I've been attacked by some feral cat-like animal. Since I'm redheaded and pale as fuck, the stretch marks are bright red/deep purple. It sucks.
Sleep: Depends on the day. I sleep sometimes. I'm tired all the time... I'm always uncomfortable, so it's hard to sleep for long periods of a time. Or longer than an hour at a time.
Best moment this week: Watching the babies try to kick off the Doppler's during the NST. It was hilarious. They were better this week, but last week we had to hold down the Doppler's to make sure they stayed in place to get readings. This week they were more well-behaved but still super active.
Movement: It depends on the time - sometimes they're super active, sometimes they don't hardly move at all and all I get is pressure.
Food cravings: No. I have to stay away from salt and I need to stay away from sugar. I've been drinking juice like its going out of style, but now I need to be careful what with the sugar.
Gender: Still one of each!
Labor Signs: Contractions have become more frequent, but that's about it.
What I miss: Knowing what its like to be comfortable. I miss my old feet and legs. And sleep.
What I am looking forward to: Our next growth scan next Tuesday and seeing what position they're in and how big they are.
Milestones: I made it to 36 weeks!

A Little Bit of Freaking Out

2010-03-08T10:14:00.003-06:00

The babies. They could come now. Anytime now.

ANYTIME NOW.

And what am I going to do with two newborns besides not sleep? This is me a little freaked out. About labor (I mean I know they have to come out somehow, but... it still scares the crap out of me. Will I ever be ready?) About once they come home. It's all going to be so different. And I'm still waiting on stuff I need. Thanks, Am.azon for your free shipping which takes forever. I need those sheets! I can't buy the twin bassinet sheets at the store, at least not any store I've looked in. And there are still things to be done. And the breast feeding - how will I do that? My boobs and nipples are so sensitive. So Sensitive. And, you know, it wouldn't be the first time my body has failed me (hello IF!) so, should I be surprised if there's something wrong with my boobs? And I'm still sick. I've been taking Sudafed, but it hasn't kicked this thing's butt.

And I'm going to be a mom. What if the babies don't like me? What if I don't feel super connected to them? I don't feel as though I've bonded with them a lot (and this is my own fault, as I've kept myself guarded in case something bad happened during the pregnancy) but now I'm worried about after they get here and I don't feel... connected to them. I mean, they're new little people to get to know. What if I don't fall immediately in love with them? Will they love me? Will I be a bad mom? And as miserable as I sometimes am as a pregnant person, I'm going to miss them moving around in me. And I'm going to miss being pregnant. And I still don't have a coming home outfit for them. What should I dress them in? Long sleeves? Do I really need one?

Ugh. The freak out continues.

The Sickness

2010-02-27T00:05:00.003-06:00

I can't breathe through my nose.... which is running. I keep sneezing. My face hurts like I've been punched. My ears are kinda itchy and stopped up. My throat feels as if it is on fire. And I've started to cough.

I took Sudafed yesterday to no effect.

I took half a Mucinex today to try and kill some of the gunk.

I'm using saline nasal spray.

I'm gargling with warm salt water.

My shower today was full of steam.

And, I have to admit, I felt better than I do now earlier in the afternoon. Nights always seem to get me good. And with the weather changing back and forth and back and forth, I knew this was coming and was pleasantly surprised that I had missed this ... until now it seems. And I seriously don't know what to do to make this all stop. I am miserable. And half terrified I'm going to go into labor sick. I just hope, that by some miracle, I can start feeling better without the normal arsenal over over the counter drugs I use to fight this. And that it doesn't get any worse.

34 Weeks

2010-02-24T11:06:00.003-06:00

So the sleep issue... has been taken to the couch. As in, I am now sleeping on the couch. I just can't get comfortable in bed and we have a sectional and a large pillow. So, that's where we are. On the couch I get up to pee less and I wake up in pain less, which all leads to more sleep. Which is nice. Even though I'm pretty cramped (the couch isn't that wide) and all the morning light wakes me up earlier, I'm still getting more sleep, so it all evens out.

And the last post was written at a bad time, I think - I've been feeling a lot better. And this happens with regularity - the babies grow, I stretch and am in pain for a couple days, then my body adjusts and I feel better. Granted, as they've been getting bigger, the painful periods have gotten a lot more painful (I now know exactly what they mean by the second trimester being the best feeling - it is so true).

It still feels like there's a lot to do, but I'm slowly ticking things off my list. I just finished thank you cards from the shower and am planning on getting those out this week. I also plan on finishing up the last of the shopping I need to do; and M and I plan on going car shopping this weekend. We still haven't found what we want and I'm really afraid that we may be stuck for a while without a car that will fit the stroller. I also really need to start laundry on all the sheets and clothes - its something I've been putting off but with it getting so close, I really need to get that done. I also need to finish packing my hospital bag. I got the cutest twin memory books (they're a little silly, but overall pretty freaking cute, and I love the twin part of it).

We finished up our Childbirth Preparedness class (I don't know that I feel that much more ready, but I don't suppose anything will make me feel more ready for that.) And today we have the Breastfeeding class. I hope I get valuable info from this class... and that M doesn't feel weird going. I hope there are other dads there.

Contractions have started back up again. I couldn't tell when I was having them before - my stomach would tighten but I was in so much pain anyway, it didn't feel much different other than the tightening. But now that I'm feeling better, the contractions are making themselves known. I had several last night and have had one this morning. I still don't feel as much from the little lady as I would like - he on the other hand is active all the time. I like to think that she is too, but facing the other way makes it harder to feel. I try not to stress about her too much - I usually end up feeling her.

And I'm really trying to not stress over something going wrong between now and delivery. That the babies are best when in me for now and that they'll be ok and make it through delivery with no problems. It almost seems easier to have them born via c-section - it seems like a smaller chance of something bad happening. And I know I'm copping to this because both babies are head down and the likelihood of a vaginal delivery is much greater - if it were the other way around, I'm sure I would be complaining about a c-section. I'm so fickle. But labor scares me.

And, I can't believe I'm already 34 weeks. Most likely we'll have babies within the next four weeks, and I would be ok with them coming anytime after 36 weeks. Which, as I can type that rationally and quite matter-of-factly, still baffles the hell out of me. It still feels quite unreal - this whole going to be a mother thing. Going to have two newborns at our house. Going to have children - little pieces of M and I to take care of and raise. Wow.

Update! 33w5d

2010-02-22T15:49:00.002-06:00

How far along? 33w5d
Total weight gain/loss: up 35 pounds or so...
Maternity clothes? Oh, yeah
Stretch marks? Oh, yeah
Sleep: I wish I could get some
Best moment this week: Making the list of What To Do Before Babies Come and marking some stuff off... and realizing that I will be 36w in like two weeks and freaking out a little bit
Movement: Oh, yeah.. and it hurts sometimes (they mess and poke with innards that should not be messed with or poked...)
Food cravings: None, really. I just eat what I want...
Gender: Still one boy, one girl
Labor Signs: some contractions
What I miss: Sleep and being pain free
What I am looking forward to: Sleep (please don't laugh at this... I am allowed to dream, right?) and being pain free

Seriously - notice a recurring theme here? The pain. Ohmygawd. It is hurting. All over my torso. My stomach muscles. My back. My sinuses. Fuckity fuck fuck. I can't even get comfortable laying on my side on the couch. It is hurt. But, all the pain is due to good news - we had a growth scan today and apparently the babies are big fatties - Girl is 6 pounds! Boy is 6 pounds 15 ounces!! That's like full term baby weights there. Everything else looked good - my massive looking cankles are normal, BP is fine, cervix is closed and babies are high (per the internal - the scan said they were low and both head down), so that's all good.

And it is no wonder I'm hurting - that's just about 13 pounds of baby in me. And man, do I feel for the other large baby peoples - the trip and quad mamas, the lady who had the 14 pound baby... man. I can't imagine how much bigger I'm going to get and how much bigger the babies are going to get. I really want to make it to 36 weeks at minimum but I know it will be a painful journey. And, to be clear - I'm thrilled the babies are doing so well. I couldn't ask for more - they seem healthy and are apparently eating well. So, that's awesome. But now I start to wonder if I should start worrying about 8 and 9 pound babies when I deliver... I have to admit the thought scares me a little - it seems like a painful delivery. And a painful last week or so.

Our Baby Shower!

2010-02-08T14:27:00.007-06:00

My baby shower was this weekend and it was AWESOME. My friend Jen threw it completely by herself for us (it was a coed shower) and it was great. We had about 50 adults there and some kids, my sister and nephew got to come down for it and we are so blessed and lucky to have so many people who are excited and supportive of us and these babies.

The theme was "Double Stuffed" so there were Oreos everywhere - the centerpieces had Oreos, the party favors were specialty Oreos, the cake was a giant Oreo; the colors were brown and some pink and blue... it was great. The food was awesome, the cake was chocolate fudge and super yummy... it was all great. And long. It started at 5 and we didn't leave until 9:30. I was very tired and after all the presents slept fitfully and dreamt of being at the shower and opening presents. My feet... were cankles. And sadly, I sat a good portion of the time! But the swelling was a little out of control.

The one complaint I have - and I know I sound like a total brat and I really don't mean to - I swear - I'm just frustrated at BRU and their registry. We got very little off our registries. Very little. Maybe 10 items. So, needless to say we still need a lot. A lot lot. And its because we moved recently and our address (including the city) changed (so maybe it's not all BRU's fault... but people who are moving soon, take note and spread the word). We heard several complaints of "We couldn't find your registry..." which is frustrating. Because people were very generous... incredibly generous... but we still need the things we need. So that will be a project for the weekend, or as soon as the registry completion coupon comes in. And we are now set for clothes for... the next 6-9 months. :)

Pictures!

Complain-y

2010-02-01T16:47:00.003-06:00

Please do not read unless you like to hear me complain.

How is it that there is so much to do, yet I have zero energy to do it? And, its not like I work. I'm a total suck on the household and all I do is lay around all day and still manage to be exhausted. There's not a lot I can do, but doing nothing makes me feel... totally worthless.

And speaking of being a total suck... I will have to go back to work sooner than I anticipated. And it bums me out. Because its my fault we're in this position financially. If I had found a job, started subbing, done something to earn money... and I didn't and now we're in a tough spot. If I were working now. If I were getting paid maternity leave. M is totally stressed at work, but we need the money. We have to get a larger car (long story short, the stroller we got (an 'inexpensive' double as a gift) and doesn't fit in either of our cars) and to do that, we have to trade in M's car. M's car is much nicer than my car and is pretty freaking brand new. It still smells like a new car. And he's treated it so well. And my car, which is finally paid off, is the one he's going to have to drive now. And he doesn't deserve that, but we can't afford the second car payment. Again, it's my fault because if I had been working, we would be in a much better place. And, yes, the economy sucks, but let's be honest here - I could have done a lot more and tried a lot harder to get a job. And I let the IVF and then pregnancy, and then the selling and moving keep me from looking once that started. But before that - I could have and SHOULD have found a job. And now, at 30w5d pregnant, it's too late for that.

So blah. I suck. And I have no idea what I'm going to do, especially after these babies are born. Finding a job... fills me with total anxiety and scares me. What will I find? Will I be happy? How will I get back into the "work" mode with two babies at home? And how the hell am I going to have time for everything? And who will watch the babies? Agh. I'm really trying to appreciate that, although it causes financial strain, I am home now and I should appreciate the time I have to rest, relax and be by myself. But sometimes I hate myself for it. Especially when I do nothing all day but fight boredom. And have nothing to show for it.

Because I Really Want This

2010-01-29T13:59:00.002-06:00

I am writing a totally advertisement-al post on the ErgoBaby baby carrier. I have yet to use one, or even see one in real life, and thanks to having two babies coming, will not really be able to afford one on my own... but all the reviews I've read talk about how wonderful it is. Really, really wonderful. And since I would LOVE to carry a baby or two on me and or M, I would really love a comfortable carrier.

AND hopefully I'll win one from this giveaway! Wish me luck!

Because I'm a List Maker

2010-01-25T17:26:00.003-06:00

I thought I'd enlighten everyone with my list of questions for the prospective pediatrician of the babies.

- How many appts. in the first year
- How do we make sick baby appts.
- Is someone on call nights/weekends? Is there a fee for calling?
- Immunization schedule
- Does hospital call her to come see baby?
- Average wait time in waiting room
- Practice if babies are premature?
- Separate sick/well waiting areas?
- I plan to breastfeed; is there a LC available with the practice? Someone you recommend?
- SOP for developmental checkups – are there tests you run?
- Will we see you (the doctor) or Pediatric Nurse Practitioners (PNPs); what type of appt would we see which?
- Affiliated with which hospital?
- What symptoms warrant a phone call or appointment?
- Average length of appointment times – will mine be longer if charged/booked for twins? Squeezed into one appointment time? Will they book back to back appts?
- How much time blocked out during the day for 'sick' kids?

I also have a crotch-care list (or links to lists that I've researched) just in case. But I'll post that later.

Update on babies and me!

How far along? 29w5d
Total weight gain/loss: Ignorance is bliss... but people tell me that I'm all belly and my doctor is happy with my weight, so...
Maternity clothes? All the time. Except some yoga pants that I can fold down.
Stretch marks? I am genetically disadvantaged... I discovered some two weeks ago that have only gotten bigger and invited friends to come.
Sleep: I sleep a lot... and get up a lot at night to pee and pop Tums. Joy.
Best moment this week: We had the 4D ultrasound today! It was super exciting to see their faces.
Movement: Everyday! I feel rolls and limbs and body parts pushing out.
Food cravings: I like beef. And ice cream. And just about everything.
Gender: One of each!
Labor Signs: None that I know of, thank god. And it can stay that way thankyouverymuch.
What I miss: Um... getting up without grunting and it taking 5 freaking minutes... not waking up to roll over...
What I am looking forward to: My baby shower on Feb 6
Milestones: 30 weeks Wednesday! Wahoo!

I'm an Aunt!

2010-01-18T11:26:00.002-06:00

My little sister had her baby boy yesterday. I'm very happy that I got to go and see her and meet him, even if just for a little bit. And I'm so happy for her, although now slightly more freaked out about labor. She was in a lot of pain (they turned down/off her epidural while pushing and the post birth contractions were painful) and exhausted after a pretty hard delivery. She didn't labor for a super long time (13 ish hours), but pushed for well over an hour and was probably very close to a c-section. Her baby was born at 7 pounds 10 ounces at (approx) 5:46pm on January 17, 2010. He is beautiful, but so far doesn't really look like either my sister or her husband - at least to me.

We left our house at about 2:20, picked up my grandmother and drove up to Huntsville, about an hour and a half drive. We got there around four o'clock and waited for him to arrive. The drive up was fine - it was just long enough before I started getting uncomfortable. The drive back was better because I stretched out in the back seat. Seeing the baby was an eye opener. I mean, I've seen babies and newborns, but it really hit home for me what we're getting and how tiny they are. I am freaked out and totally emotional just thinking about it. Freaked out because he was so tiny (and at a normal birth weight) and fragile. And to think that M and I will soon (god-willing) have two, that could smaller than he is... it just is so hard to think about, and I'm worried about having TWO babies who are even smaller than that. I just want healthy babies.

I guess I just had always assumed that when my sister and I had babies, they would be big. We're all tall, my sister and I are married to guys 6' and taller and I was the smallest baby in my family at over 9 pounds, my brother was 11 something and my sister, the largest, at over 11 pounds as well. And its not that I thought I would have or wanted babies that large, but seeing him yesterday was just a real eye opener about how small my babies might be. And I know there isn't really anything I can do about it... I'm eating what I can, the babies are measuring on track and are slightly ahead with weight, but... man. Seeing her with him, just being fascinated by this little creature who was literally minutes old... and literally just inside of her, moving around... It just really makes being pregnant and feeling movement so much more special, knowing what is to come. And it makes it so much more real.

27w5d

2010-01-11T14:33:00.002-06:00

Doctor appointment on Wednesday. I found stretch marks last week. Babies are having a growth spurt (hopefully) because my back and stomach muscles are killing me. Sleep is iffy, but I'm tired all the time. Sinuses are all over the place (and by that I mean clogged up and full of crap that makes it so hard to breathe, especially at night). (Also, damn weather changing.) I think I'm getting a urinary tract infection. I'm heartbroken about all the losses this past week on the.bump and also totally freaked out about me and the babies (the movement, then lack of movement and one moving more than the other and what it all could mean. Is there a problem with one of them? How do I know if something's wrong? Aaaaagh; I'm driving myself crazy).

And that's about it. How's that for a super shitty update? I really don't have much else to add, except I don't feel like doing a thing and yawn.

26w Growth Scan

2010-01-04T10:31:00.002-06:00

So this happened LAST week, on 12/30, but I realized last night I never updated about it, so here goes.

Everything looked good! Both babies are head down (which caused me some nervousness - I hope they don't get any ideas anytime soon). They are measuring right on track and are 2 lbs and 2 lbs 2 oz. My cervix measured at 3.5" (which is a little shorter - I have been consistently at 4" so hopefully that doesn't change anymore). We got a clear shot of boy bits, which helped ease our mind a lot. And... I guess that's about it! So far so good! I'm still gaining weight and wish I would slow it down (something I do need to work on) but am still within the limits my doctor set for me, seeing as how I had a few pounds to lose pre-pregnancy. I had the glucose tolerance test, and won't find anything out for a little while. And we are pre-registered at the hospital. All I need to do now is sign us up to take classes.

The symptoms of pregnancy... my poop issue has gotten better with daily stool softeners. So that's really nice. The heartburn however, has gone crazy. I am popping Tums after almost everything I eat. Who knew that cereal (as in MILK and FLAKES) could give me heartburn? Milk, last time I checked, is a counter agent to acid, as a base, right? So it would make sense that have searing pain up my chest after eating it? No. I'm also feeling like I'm fighting off something yucky as the phlegm and congestion and drainage is getting worse. I think it's all the weather changes we're getting down here. Warmish, then cold and back and forth. My sinuses are dying. But I'm not taking anything, which could be stupid, but I really prefer to keep the babies med free while they're in me as much as possible. And man, have I been gassy lately.

My little sister is due in a few weeks and is miserable. She has had back problems since a young age that pregnancy is really messing with. My nephew is due on the 23rd, but I selfishly want him to come a little earlier so I can go and see him. When at the doctor, he told me that if she delivers within the next two weeks, I could go (about an hour and a half away - but I'd be at a hospital!) and to check with my regular doctor (my doc was in surgery, so we got to see another doctor in the practice) at my next appointment on the 13th (I'll be 28 weeks) if she doesn't.

So I'm definitely gearing up to the finish with increasing doctor visits (and the start of the third trimester!), although it seems very, very far away. I have also started researching hospital bag necessities from various Internet sources and have compiled a very comprehensive list, in my opinion. However, this list would require several bags to the hospital, so I'm going to have to edit. I'll post the list at the end, in case anyone cares to see it.

Other baby stuff - the bedding has finally been figured out. My mom and grandmother are making quilts and decor for the nursery and after numerous trips to the fabric store and many hours, we finally got fabric. It's my fault because I'm so picky. I don't like pink. I don't like flower-y things. I picked out bedding that I thought would be very easy to simulate - cream, tan and chocolate, which turned out to be near impossible. So, now the quilts have a plummish purple and a teal blue amongst all the cream and brown and I think it will be very pretty. I'm very happy with it and even happier I put everyone out of their misery with this project. (Well, except the people who have to sew the stuff together, but that's fun for them.) We also have a crib set up. It's a loaner crib from friends of ours, which I'm slightly nervous about. I haven't received the recalled parts yet and would really like to have those soon. The other crib is coming from my MIL, so who knows when we'll actually get it. The nesting instinct hasn't really set in yet, so I'm not all freaked about how unfinished the nursery is. We still need to get stuff over from the storage facility, something I need to set up soon.

My Hospital Bag List (which I will edit down):
FOR ME:
- Chap-stick for me and M
- Socks/ Slippers
- Bathrobe
- Hair clips and rubber bands
- Travel size toiletries
o Shampoo/conditioner
o Hairspray
o Hairbrush
o Face/body soap
o Deodorant
o Toothbrush/paste
o Lotion
o Makeup
o Contact lens/solution/glasses
- Nursing pillow/Boppy
- Nipple cream/pads
- Camera, video camera
- Cell phone
- IPod with speakers
- Chargers/batteries for electronics
- Mat clothes for trip home
- Nursing bra /tanks
- Towels
- My pillow (with protector) and colorful pillowcase
- Sleep Mask
- Pen/paper
- Toilet paper
- Baby books
- Stool Softeners
- Depends/Poise underwear
- Super Duper Ultra Absorbency LONG pads (not Always)
- Hard candy

FOR M:
- Blanket/pillow
- Mints
- Change of clothes and toiletries

FOR BABIES:
- Going home outfits
- Receiving blankets
- Hats
- Diapers/wipes
- Pacifiers
- Car seats
- Additional baby outfits
- Socks
- Jackets if necessary

DOCUMENTS:
- Birth certificate paperwork
-

Merry Xmas!!

2009-12-27T10:55:00.003-06:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

We had some immediate family over for Christmas Eve Chili and Shrimp (a tradition) and it was a really nice excuse to get the house cleaned up somewhat. It really gave us an idea of what it will feel like once everything is done and we can move in all the way.

We had a great Christmas day; my step-sister-in-law had her baby on Christmas Eve (which I totally called... she was due on the 19th and wanted her to come earlier to hopefully not have her birthday so close to Christmas... and I said, well, she'll probably be born on Christmas Eve - ha! I love being right...).

We spent time with my family and had a great lunch and got lots of baby stuff. Our family normally does a white elephant gift exchange, but since both my little sister and I are pregnant, everyone chipped in and gave up their own gifts to give us baby gifts - it was a total shock. It was like my little sister and I had a surprise, joint baby shower on Christmas day! I couldn't believe the generosity of everyone to forfeit receiving anything so we could get baby stuff. And we got some good stuff too... a ton of clothes and the swing, a diaper genie, a play mat, and diapers, among other things. All very badly needed items.

We are also getting closer to the baby shower - it feels a lot closer as opposed to some far off thing that will happen in the future. It's now just a little over a month away! And, as much as I hate attention focused on me, I'm getting excited about it and just hope people come. I'm editing the registry and trying to make sure I have everything I need; we seem to be in good shape, thanks to very generous friends of ours who have a three year old and want to give us, well, everything. They don't plan on having more children and so far plan on giving us a full bedroom set (crib, dresser and changing table) play-yard, two convertible car seats and an infant car seat, toys, clothes, sheets, blankets, towels, a single stroller, a baby carrier, a Medela breast pump, bottles, cups, silverware... basically, just about everything we could possibly want. These are super close friends of ours (she's throwing us the shower as well) and so we feel comfortable with this stuff (like the crib and car seat) because we know they haven't been in a car accident and that they take care of their stuff. (Although we plan on buying two infant car seats just so we don't have to screw around with the different car seat bases.) There's still stuff we want/need, but they are really setting us up. We have the greatest friends ever.

I am feeling... heavier. My joints still hurt and I feel swoll in my hands a lot. And have had some issues this past week with the digestive process. Specifically, the end of that process. I haven't been able to poop! And it's been bad... and painful. There might have been an over-flowing toilet and the plunger has gotten a work out this past week. I started incorporating more fiber into my diet, when I noticed the problem - to no avail. I finally added some stool softeners to help things along. M is in charge of making sure I go at least once a day (which is difficult for me - I was never that regular even before). So that's my new goal. And hopefully the end of my problem there as I still have a long way to go.

The house is coming along. Painters started painting TODAY (!!!!) and so it really feels like we'll soon be able to get things set up and actually unpack everything and make the house really feel like home.

One Year Ago Today

2009-12-18T10:21:00.002-06:00

One year ago I was in the hospital having a D&C. Finishing the end of the worst week of my life. The worst month.

This year is so much better. And I couldn't be more grateful.

And I hope everyone gets their turn.

Quick Update - 24w!

2009-12-16T15:37:00.002-06:00

I went to the doctor today and everything is going well! The babies heartbeats were good. I had blood taken to recheck my white count, but everything seemed good. The joint pain and swelling is normal and after looking at the u/s results from the hospital visit this weekend, the doctor said everything looked good. I am measuring at 29 weeks (I love knowing how big I am compared to a singleton pregnancy) and have gained 5 pounds since my last visit 4 weeks ago, which the doctor said was good. She said I should expect to gain about 20 more pounds (yikes!).

I have my next appointment in two weeks for the dreaded glucose test, a growth scan and a regular appointment. Fun times!

23w5d

2009-12-15T10:51:00.002-06:00

We had an exciting weekend. I had my first official freak out. And it was really nothing. And I feel really dumb about it.

Since early Friday afternoon I had been having this sharp stabby pain in my lower left belly area - kinda next to my hip - and after chilling on the couch with water for several hours (like 5 or 6) it hadn't gone away and was coming regularly... so I'm all freaked and call my doctor's office after hours (which is really the emergency line) and talk to a doctor who tells me to go to the hospital. Well, they couldn't really figure out what was causing the pain - no contractions after monitoring me for about an hour, cervix long and closed, babies were doing fine, u/s showed nothing except a slightly enlarged kidney. The only other thing was that I was (TMI) slightly constipated (so embarrassing) and after going felt better even though the pain didn't go away entirely, it slacked off in intensity and occurrence.

The nurse thought it was just round ligament pains, which is probably all it was. Combined with the poop thing. M keeps telling me my poop at the hospital was the most expensive poop taken. We'll see when the bill comes in. I came home that night after finding out there wasn't anything wrong and begging to be let go so I could sleep in my own bed (they wanted to keep me overnight - yuck). I felt better the rest of the weekend, no pain or anything, just a mild case of embarrassment.

I still can't decide if it was the smart thing to do because what if something really had been wrong, or if I just over- reacted. I feel slightly dumb and dramatic about it all. And betrayed by my own body, cause I couldn't tell what was happening and if something was seriously wrong or not. But I'm glad the babies are ok.

So other than that, I've been doing pretty well. The babies seem pretty active. The weather is totally screwing with my allergies and making me feel like I'm constantly fighting something off, which isn't fun. I've been sleeping a lot and eating a lot. And have been hormonal - crying easily (I'm such a cliche); yesterday while unpacking the master bath I started crying listening to Christmas music. It was Amy Grant's Mary's Song. Oh, and I can't believe I almost left this very important aspect out - when I was in the hospital, the ultrasound tech told us we were having two girls. WHAT?!??!? We kindly asked her to revisit things and double check and she said that one of the could be a boy, but that we won't know for sure until around 30 weeks or so. Um... ok? So now I'm officially on hiatus from buying anything.

The house is slowly coming together. I ordered the furniture we want, the repairs are under way so soon we can get the house painted, which I'm looking forward to. I really think it'll freshen things up and make the house look new. THEN we can get all our stuff from storage... and finish the unpacking.

Big Week for Us - 23w

2009-12-09T13:38:00.004-06:00

So we moved.

And had my little sister's baby shower.

And, yeah. It's been a long week. We were unsure we were going to be closing Friday until... um Thursday night. And if we weren't going to be able to close Friday, we would have been homeless. Because we were to be out of our townhouse by Sunday midnight. So... yeah. It was stressful. But we moved. And we're here. Thank fucking god.

As far as moving while pregnant (with twins anyway)... I strongly advise against it. My feet. My back. I didn't lift more than a couple of (light!) boxes and was worn out. My fingers and feet are still swollen. My body has just ached every night. My feet haven't hurt so badly since... well, probably since I started waiting tables and worked a double. And I'm SO glad we had as much help as we did. My MIL and her husband came into town, my parents and my SIL (for a couple of hours) all helped out so I could go to the shower and could do as little as possible as far as lifting boxes and over doing it. My next appointment is next week - no u/s, just a regular check up, but with my swelling and back pains and all the exerting of myself (and there was something else I wanted to talk to her about, but for the life of me can't remember - oh! Two hours later I remember! My joints... I swear it feels like I've started getting arthritis.) I'm curious if she'll give me one anyway. I've also noticed what feels like a lack of movement. I swear they were moving around a lot more (or I was feeling them a lot more) last week. So that has me considerably worried, as you can imagine. But, I just keep telling myself that it's normal not to feel a lot right now and that the movement I do feel can vary. Of course, once next week's appointment is over and I know everything is good, I'll feel a ton better. (Did I even need to say that? Isn't that kinda a no duh kinda thing? lol)

There's still so much work to do. We have repairs a contractor will be doing (sometime, if he ever calls...grrr...) and then a painter will be painting almost the entire house - so we're half unpacked and unable to hang things or unpack decor. And we have furniture I want to buy from San Antonio (I need to order it)... the furniture we're getting is a living room set - so our TV is sitting on the floor. And our electronics are just kinda... laying around. It's so fun. AND on top of all that, we still have a 10x10 storage unit filled to the brim (seriously; wall to wall, floor to ceiling) that still needs to come over. So. Yeah. Whew. We have a ton to get done.

My sister's shower was in the middle of the big move Saturday, so I got to take a three hour break and go have some fun. See the pic below for me and my sister, belly to belly.

She is right about 10 weeks ahead of me, with one. And I was 22w3d. Which put her at around 33 weeks. So yeah. Apparently, I am big or she is small, or a little bit of each; for our respective dates. She IS a lot smaller than me, normally, not pregnant. Like, a lot. So that is also a part of it, I'm sure. And, the outfit I was planning on wearing was packed in with the movers, so this is a non-maternity, wore it the day before, shirt, which was a hell of a lot nicer than the shirt I was wearing that day (a long sleeved Green Bay packer grey tee). So I love seeing how the bottom of my shirt was... pulling up. Cuz I kept pulling it down, for all the good it did lol.

So I'm exhausted. And trying to chillax for the rest of the week and get a little bit done every day.

22w1d

2009-12-03T09:29:00.002-06:00

Craziness. That is what I am feeling.

My already over-analytical nature kicks into overdrive analyzing everything to do with pregnancy. And you'd think I was able to relax more... not the case. What's making me crazy is the differences. The amount and type (thick or thin) of cervical discharge I experience in a day either has me running for the bathroom or wondering where it went. The amount of movement I feel varies from day to day and has me constantly repeating to myself "this is normal, they don't even ask for movement monitoring until much later, some people are just starting to feel things" on a day when I don't feel much. A day like today. And yesterday.

It all makes me want to.. I don't know, but I do know I'm driving myself crazy. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T10:33:00.003-06:00

So, not too much to report here. I figured I would do a milestone check as I haven't done one in a while and now I have something fun to add (and be thankful for)!

How far along? 21 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: I have no idea as I turned a blind eye to the scale last week. But the doctor didn't say anything, so I'm pretty sure I'm ok there.

Maternity clothes? In pants all the time - and am still trying to make some shirts work for me. The tall shirts I had previously seem to be making the cut ok... the others, not so much.

Stretch marks? No

Sleep: Off and on... I'll sleep a lot and nothing can wake me up some nights and some nights I wake up constantly and have a hard time falling asleep.

Best moment this week: Finding out the sexes and having both babies be healthy and good.

Movement: More so. I have been feeling more (in quantity) every day and have been feeling more (like in pressure and define-ness of movement)

Food cravings: Beef. And sweets. Pretty much all Food

. I either eat a large meal and am full for like 4-5 hours or I eat a normal amount and am hungry like 2-3 hours later. Yeah. Just give me a cheeseburger and I'm happy. Or a donut. Or, you know, pretty much anything. And writing that made me hungry again. But, I will say one thing: the burping of one meal and having my stomach growl for another is pretty weird.

Gender: One BOY and one GIRL!!! I am so happy about this. Exactly what I wanted. Makes the naming easier and makes me super happy since we won't be able to afford doing any other ART, which means a very small chance of having more babies, which, in all honesty, I'm perfectly fine with. Two is perfect for us. And having one of each makes it more perfect. And I super love knowing who is where and being able to think or say things like "She's really active right now" or "He's awake now". So cool. I can't wait for M to be able to feel them.

Labor Signs: Um, no. And it can stay that way, thankyouverymuch.

What I miss: Subway. Sandwiches... yum...

What I am looking forward to: More movement, M feeling the babies move and getting bigger. I know that last one sounds weird, but sometimes I feel like I shrink and lose my baby belly.

And, because I mentioned it before, this is the picture of me, at the baby shower a month ago. Three pregnant women, with me being the least far along (and on the right, in the brown). If I calculated correctly, I am 16w3d in this picture, the person next to me was 20-21 weeks and the shower honoree (in red) was 30ish weeks (and they are both pregnant with one). We're all facing straight on, so its kinda hard to actually see any bumps. I think I look... just... fat. And man, am I tall from my boobs up, because you sure as hell can't tell I'm taller than both these women in this picture! But as I get my more pictures taken of me, I'll be sure to post them. I think I have a camping one... or someone does.

Such! Exciting! Things!

2009-11-20T13:43:00.002-06:00

So many great things! So much to share! I guess I should get right to it...

Great Thing Number One: I popped! My belly is large(ish)! I look pregnant! I think it kinda happened from last weekend to this week. My mom and sister saw me on Sunday and were like - oh wow, you look bigger and now I feel like I am bigger. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see more pregnant belly than 'oh she's fat'.

Great Thing Number Two: We sold our townhouse!!! We closed on Thursday and are officially renting the place out until closing on our new house, which will hopefully be early December. I've been packing and dealing with inspectors and contractors (for the new house, which, until we're closed, I won't talk about) and all sorts of stuff. Both moms have been in helping us pack, which has been a godsend. Generally I've been keeping pretty busy, but still trying to rest and not over-exert myself.

Great Thing Number Three: We had our anatomy scan and both babies look great! And we know the sexes... A boy and a girl!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't be happier. We are both so excited. I measured to be 25-26 weeks (which I think is CRAZY - I feel like I just started showing) if carrying a singleton (I have to remember that my little sister, who is 10 weeks ahead of me pregnancy wise, with one, only started showing and looking pregnant at 26 weeks - she's tall, like me but slimmer and in the last couple of weeks started really growing. She's bigger than me (of course) but it took her a lot longer to get there).

Both babies are perfect, the boy (who is residing on the left side of my belly) is measuring 20w4d and looked to be 360 grams and the girl (on the right) is measuring 20w1d and looked to be 333 grams. So both ahead and doing wonderfully. I am kinda mad, though, because the technician did not give us baby-boy-bit pictures on the DVD we got to take home. Am pretty peeved, and have debated calling and asking for them. However, since it was an outside company who came in and did the scan... I don't know if I could get them. But I do know I am not happy.

Both future grandmas were there and were swapped out between babies (we lured them here with the promise of being at the scan and they helped pack too). My mom was there for the measuring of the boy, M's mom there for the girl. So they both got to see them moving and kicking around. I am feeling more movement now, although nothing crazy and only when I'm laying down or being still. I feel fine, although am kinda fighting an allergy sinus thing which hasn't been fun. And with knowing the sexes we feel pretty finalized on the names, which is nice, because us coming up with two boy names would've caused some MAJOR discussions.

I just kinda feel like as long as we three make it through this move and to Christmas, we'll all be good (right before Christmas is the V-day milestone). So that's what I'm aiming and hoping for, short term, because, of course, I want these babies in me for another 18-20 weeks. Smoothness for everything to be on track and to be ok. No big bumps (except mine) or bobbles and I'll be pretty happy. And relieved.

I Survived

2009-11-17T10:04:00.002-06:00

The camping trip is over. And I (and my marriage) survived. Just barely.

Not to be all drama-queen, but man did I not really anticipate the level of uncomfortableness I would feel. And this was in perfect (maybe a touch too warm) camping weather. I mean, every camping trip there is a level of uncomfortableness everyone feels. You're living outside for a couple of days. Not sleeping in your bed. With no walls, so sound travels amazingly well. With no showers. With bathrooms that are a small hike away. Sitting in chairs much less comfortable than your couch or office chair. Cooking on a dinky little stove. Staying up late and waking up early. And, if you drink, being hungover.Packing so much crap you can hardly believe you will use it all, just for a couple of days, and unloading and moving all that crap to your campsite, which is never right where you can park. And then repacking everything a day or two later. And the special joys of trying to get the tent back into the same bag it came in. So some uncomfortableness is expected. And you do it, because its an annual tradition. And you generally have fun. But, man, being pregnant added a whole other level to all this.

Friday we got there. After a four and a half hour car trip. So, I survived that. Then we* unloaded. I am a tent setting up genius, and so we got everything together. I wasn't too bad. We ate. We sat and we hung out. Fun times. Until bed time. You see, every other camping trip has involved alcohol. And I've never had too much of a problem going to sleep. Until this trip (and I even packed earplugs, just in case... they did not work). Thanks to the washer-game-playing campsite neighbors (some game I've never heard of, but can tell you it involves pitching metal things at a loud receptacle) who played said game until about 2am... yeah. It was ugly. Because I still couldn't sleep after that. I got like two hours of sleep.

So the next day, I got up, ate and tried to hang... until I crashed around noon. Which is the precise time those game playing assholes decided to play again. So, I read my book and waited them out. With a raging headache. And this is where it gets ugly, especially for the hubs. Because I finally fell asleep. For maybe a half hour. And that's when I got woken up and realized that my husband had started playing a game not ten feet from our tent. With a group of people. And, yes, he tried to keep them all quiet. I heard him shh-ing people. But that was it for me. I laid awake, fuming, crying, etc until they stopped playing. (Of course, all this awake time is peppered with numerous trips to the bathroom since you can't pee outside in the daytime.) And then I found my husband and let loose on his ass. And we almost went home. He apologized. We were going home. And then we waited so I could calm down, eat and take medicine I was avoiding taking (but obviously needed, as I realized my allergies were getting in on the act and my tired headache had turned into a full blown sinus headache). So I ate. And calmed down. And felt better. And hung out. And decided to stay. And actually slept that night (as much as one can sleep while camping... I'm sorry, but I need absolute quiet and darkness to sleep most of the time and camping without alcohol... I just couldn't fully sleep). And then made breakfast and packed up and headed home, to a sweet shower and my bed.

My feet still don't feel like they have recovered from all the swelling. My back still aches from the car ride and the camping chairs that get old... and uncomfortable... quickly. And I'm still trying to catch up on my sleep. Because man, oh man... do I need it. I am still very, very tired. And plan on being a complete bum all day, despite the moms coming over tomorrow. But I survived.

And tomorrow we go to the doctor. I'm trying not to get all crazy-worried about it. I'm trying not to freak out. I'm trying not to be anxious and nervous and everything else I usually am before a scan. And I'm trying to not imagine the worst case scenario with both moms right there in the room. It's a tall order for me. I'm trying, instead to concentrate on the fact that I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow! And that I can't believe I'm halfway (more than halfway) there. And that I'm still good. And that we get to know the sexes tomorrow. And that we get to have new pictures of babies. Finally. (It's been like two months man...) I need to chill-ax about all this and go watch all the shows that I have Tivoed and not think.

*We. Yeah. All the loading and unloading and packing all that crap into my tiny little car, and carrying coolers to and from the car and etc... that was totally the hubs and not me. I saw we because I watched him do it (*ahem* and offered wonderful suggestions) and carried pillows and other... light things. So. Yeah. Way to go hubs.

And, also, to LCB; we should totally do a get together. I'd love to meet people from around here in real life.

18w5d - almost 19w, which is almost 20w! The halfway point!

2009-11-09T16:15:00.004-06:00

Slacker is me. I knows it. So there isn't much really happening right now. I think I'm feeling movement, but its pretty sporadic. My not wanting candy phase is officially OVER and I'm sure my doctor will not be happy at my next appointment (9 days!) at the sudden weight gain (mint m&ms are out!). I invited both M's mom and my mom to the appointment, since it will be the anatomy scan that *should* reveal the sexes... I am hungry a lot though and sleeping is still off and on. I think it's directly related to the amount of stress and anxiety I feel, which, really, is no surprise (see below).

We go camping this weekend; M is taking Thursday, Friday and Monday off, so, hopefully, I won't have to do a whole lot to get us ready and then unpacked. I am noticing that my feet and fingers swell now and standing up for more than an hour at a time really puts the strain on my feet and back. I don't think I look too big right now, but M says he thinks I definitely look pregnant. I stick out my belly as much as possible when standing in line at the post office, but no one's made a comment. (Gawd, how weirdo am I?) I am working on getting a picture - I had one taken at a baby shower I went to a couple of weekends ago, but I haven't received the photo yet. I guess I should just bite the bullet and take one of myself in the mirror. I'm such a lazy lame ass.

In other news, things may be happening in the housing department, but because I am ridiculous, I will leave it at that. And say that I am very busy at home now. And very excited. And very stressed. So, when things are more final, I will be sure to share, but right now, I prefer not to jinx things.

17w and No Flu For Me

2009-10-28T16:12:00.003-05:00

Today is 17 weeks. And the worrying never stops. I got my H1N1 vaccine today, so now we're all protected and whatnot since I got the seasonal flu shot a couple of weeks ago. And, since I was there, I asked for a quick listen on the Doppler. They're both in the 140's (down from last week when they were both in the 150's). I know the rate is normal (I asked and anything from 120-170 is the norm), but I'm kinda worried about the right-sided baby - heart rate was always in the 170's until last week when it dropped to the 150's and now a week later its in the 140's. And both times, there was little to no movement, while the left one was super active... Both appointments were around the same time of day. So one sleeps and the other parties between 1-3pm? I just don't get it. And I don't know if I should be worried about this or not. I'm just afraid of this being a bad sign of bad things to come. Like, a warning sign that everyone but me is ignoring. Ah well. There really isn't much I can do about it, so *shrugsigh*.

I'm going to be very anxious to see what the doctor says next time I see her, however. And I'm even contemplating borrowing a Doppler to monitor the situation. But I don't know what that would help. Especially since I know babies' heart rates fluctuate. I know they get lower as they get bigger. But what I don't know is if this rate is normal for 17 weeks. And maybe one baby is super active and the other... is lazy like me. I've heard of that. Babies are different. So maybe mine are just completely... different.

In good baby news, the AFP blood work and we're low risk for neural tube defects! Rock on, babies!

In other pregnancy news, still no stranger comments on the belly, which I take to mean I still look fat and not pregnant. Or that awkward phase between the two where people would rather stay safe than be sorry. And the maternity pants I wear are pretty baggy. It's funny to me that they are and I can't wait to be busting out of them. I just look at them and wonder... and kinda laugh since some of them are borrowed and I may have to quit them before I stretch them out beyond anyone else's* wearing capabilities.

*By the way - is else's not a word? Because I always get called out on spell check about it. What the hell?

16w2d

2009-10-23T11:29:00.003-05:00

This week was our 16 week appointment. And everything was good. No scan (grumble) but heartbeats sounded good and the doctor was happy with everything.

How far along? 16w2d
Total weight gain/loss: plus 8 pounds - that's it! My doctor was happy with that, so I guess I am too. I haven't been eating "healthy" but whatever I'm doing seems to work ok.
Maternity clothes? In mat pants all the time and am realizing that many of my shirts will not transition well... primarily because they are too short.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Sometimes I get a lot... sometimes I wake up and can't go back to sleep...
Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeats... always a nice thing
Movement: Well, maybe. I don't want to call it before it happens for real, but I feel.. things.. inside. Very sporadically. Very lightly. But definitely there. Hard to describe and mostly on the left side of the belly, although I did feel something on the right last night... hopefully the farther along I get the more I feel them and then will know for sure if it is what it is... or really just intestinal issues.
Food cravings: Kinda... like I went to Target to buy Jello and had to have one immediately after leaving the store. And the same with chocolate milk... but not like "real" food.
Gender: Still hoping for one of each, but after Wednesday's check up where BOTH heartbeats were measuring in the same range (150's) my theory is shot. (I'm also trying not to worry that one was so much lower than before. Still in normal range = ok)
Labor Signs: NO. And it can stay that way for a long time thankyouverymuch.
What I miss: Well, since finding pasteurized eggs, nothing that involves raw eggs. Yippee! I guess deli meats. I ate steak for our anniversary (what a rebel) and it was fantastic, and I wish I could eat it all the time.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sexes - one month to go! Getting bigger. Having a stranger comment so I feel like I look pregnant, as opposed to fat...

So yesterday and today I was incredibly worried about things. It was weird, since I was so calm about the doctor's appointment this time, a clear switch from my usual pre-appointment anxiety. Apparently now, I'm stressing about things AFTER the appointment. It's just that I've had pain low on my sides when I stand up and walk around. And it kinda worries me. And my belly feels tight and hard all the time. Which is a change from its pre-pregnancy squishy feeling... and I know it's normal. I just don't know if its too tight or too hard, if that makes sense. I think part of what stresses me out is the idea that I won't know what's wrong until its too late and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it and then... Bad Things. Irrational... probably. I need to remember that things that stretch are growing and some pain isn't always bad. I am going to be very happy to be more than 24 weeks. Very happy. Viability day. Very important.

Maybe I would have felt more at ease if we had gotten a scan. And I'm sure if I had whined and been more drama queen, we could have finagled one. But it's mainly my own fault. Next time, when the nurse talks about how hard it may be to find the heartbeats, don't point out the exact location where the nurse found them last time. Because guess what, genius? Chances are they'll still be in that general area. And my nurse found them at first Doppler poke.

Oh, I just remembered I had a dream about eating Whataburger last night and am suddenly ravenous. So bye.

Since I have the time...

2009-10-12T21:45:00.003-05:00

So M is out of town, so I have time to write. I'm going nuts. I started measuring my stomach so I can hopefully curb my craziness that something bad has happened by proof that my stomach is growing. I'm such a nut ball. But, funnily enough, I grew almost an entire inch by the end of the day from when I woke up. I mean, I knew I was getting bigger throughout the day, but I didn't realize it was an inch. It seems like a lot.

Anyway, I'm also going crazy because I don't really feel anything. I mean, I still have some symptoms, but not as many as before. And I know that's the way its supposed to be, but its kinda driving me wacko. I can't wait to feel them kicking around. I can't wait to have a real "hey that chick is pregnant not fat" stomach. I just can't wait to feel like I'm really pregnant. It just feels so unreal right now. And it's still so early! Sometimes I look at other people's tickers and compare myself to them and then realize - wait a sec - they're two weeks ahead of me!

Before it took so long to get pregnant and after the false starts... I now realize that I can't wait to actually have my babies. I used to think that I would cherish being pregnant and relish in the attention and the absolute cuteness of it all. And I think I still will, but with everything that's happened, I just want the babies. Healthy, happy babies. And it makes me kinda sad that that's been taken away from me. I used to tell M that I wanted to really appreciate the time and feelings of being pregnant, because (after realizing what it would take to get pregnant) it was most likely the only time in my life I could experience it. And now, all I want is for the pregnancy to be over and for us to just have babies. And, I feel kinda robbed. All the worry, all the heartache during the pregnancy, kinda takes away from the experience. All the financial dreams we had, all gone. It really hits home when I see my sister and how she behaves toward her pregnancy. She gets maternity clothes for future wear. She doesn't worry about the things that drive me crazy and keep me up at night. She just... assumes everything is fine. And it is! I don't mean that I want something bad to happen to her or my nephew, but there is no reality check for her! And I totally envy it (well as much as I can, because my nature would be to want to know about everything, would want to ask about everything, would just care about all the little details, whereas she is more ditsy, more head in clouds, which, in this case presents itself as assuming everything is fine) (wow can you say run-on sentence?). But I still envy the total state of non anxiety. And am amazed that such an attitude about pregnancy can exist.

Ugh, ok well, enough mental diarrhea onto my blog for today. Time for bed.

14w5d

2009-10-12T06:27:00.003-05:00

I'm writing this at 6:27am. I can't believe I can't go back to sleep. UGH. M left at 5:30 to fly out to some work stuff he has to do. He'll be gone until Thursday. :( It feels forever away. I used to cherish my alone time (especially when M went out of town for a few days) and now I have so much of it, I get bored so easily. Not that I'm complaining, but sheesh. I need something to do. Preferrably something I would get paid for. I'm not overqualified and your shitty job sounds right up my alley!

Anyway, NT scan blood tests came back and everything looks really good. Yay! I didn't ask for an exact ratio (who needs to obsess over numbers -->not this chick). but we are "low-risk". And, I'm STD free! Hooray! I think I'm starting to get a belly, but will not put up pics until I'm decidedly more cute-looking.

My great=grandmother's "dinner" was good (I saw "dinner" because she loves this horrible chinese buffet place where we have to go every year... there is so much better food for the kind of money we shell out to that place... oh well, its only once a year) and everyone was happy for us. I don't think my great grandmother knew what an ultrasound photo looked like or didn't understand what she was seeing. Even after staring at it for a good while and having people explain it to her, it took her some time to fully understand.

I would do the weekly check in thingy, but I think I may try to go back to sleep. I'm not hungry anymore, thanks to the HoneyNut Cheerios, but I know I'll be a drag ass the rest of today if I don't at least try to get some more sleep.

13w1d

2009-10-01T11:42:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we had our 13 week appointment. It was... kinda a let down. You see, we had just seen the babies on Monday. So I wasn't stressed or worried or anything. And they didn't have my blood work back from the NT scan, so we couldn't go over that, and they "misplaced" the paperwork that had the measurements from the NT scan so we couldn't go over that either... instead I got a STD test (required by the OB) and got to ask questions... Unfortunately we were seriously unprepared as we thought this appointment was going to be All About the NT Scan and we couldn't think of hardly any, aside from a couple flu shot questions. We DID get to hear the heartbeats on the Doppler, which I thought was totally cool, seeing as how I'm plumper than what could be considered as healthy weight. I didn't think we'd be able to hear anything until 14 weeks or so, but I was proven wrong. I also rocked in the weight department, as I only gained four pounds! Seeing as how I needed to lose 20-30 pounds before getting pregnant, I'm hoping that I'm gaining good weight and gaining less because I'm losing bad weight... if that makes sense? Anyway, since I'm actively not trying to not gain weight, I was shocked.

We have our next appointment in three weeks, at 16 weeks for... well, I'm not really sure. Well, I know they're going to take blood for the spina bifida test and that's about all I know. Every time we leave the doctor M and I look at each other and go... so what are we doing next time? Are we getting a scan? I hope we do so maybe we can get sexes? Although, I think it may be early for that and we might be stuck waiting until the next appointment.... which will be....

20 weeks! At that appointment we'll have the Big scan to check out organs and stuff like that.

And since I am inconsistent, here is the weekly check in I missed last week:

How far along? 13w1d; Hello Second Trimester!!! (well, I know, officially in two days, but whatevs)

Total weight gain/loss: +4 pounds!

Maternity clothes? I bought some $15 cord from Old Navy that I wore yesterday and had to keep pulling up because they were loose, but OMFG were they comfy. Much more so than the jeans I keep wearing with the rubber band through the button hole.

Stretch marks? No

Sleep: Remarkably, pretty good. Still sleeping a lot despite rumors that the second tri leads to more energy.

Best moment this week: Seeing babies on the scan... watching them dance and wiggle was awesome. Also, hearing their heartbeats (one was in the 150's both times, the other in the 170's...)

Movement: No

Food cravings: Not really

Gender: Due to the heartbeat differences, I'm guessing and still hoping for one of each

Labor Signs: Or Pregnancy Symptoms: My nips are still sore, I get nauseous when I don't eat, I burp a lot, I have off and on back soreness, this morning I have this shooting pain near my belly button, I still sleep a lot, I'm still breaking out all over like a teenager, I'm still stuffy and congested, my boobs aren't bigger, my gums bleed easily, I still have super smelling abilities, and I'm still neurotic and anxious and nervous, but not nearly as much.

What I miss: Right now, steak (I like mine medium rare, so that's out). And Frosties. And Subway.

What I am looking forward to: Having the babies stay healthy. Telling people (M will start announcing tomorrow on his birthday and we'll tell my extended family on Sunday, my great-grandmother's birthday dinner... we'll also give the green light to family and friends who do know that they can tell whoever they want). Knowing the sexes and ... showing! I thought at first I would be like my mom was and show early but I think that was because of the PIO and all the bloatedness that came with it. Now, I'm afraid I'm going to be more like my sister who barely shows now at 24 weeks. She was still in pre-maternity clothes up until she was 5 1/2 months. So, we'll see... Right now, I just look... fat.

Whew. Ok.

2009-09-28T16:25:00.003-05:00

So, first and foremost, everything is fine. The babies are fine. "Very active" quoted the frustrated u/s tech who spent a half hour pushing and jiggling and having me turn this way and that way to try to get measurements. We don't get the official blood results back until Wednesday, but everything was (unofficially) fine. We're planning on sharing the news after Wednesday, assuming all is good news. Because, Saturday is officially the start of the second trimester. Hells yes. 13w3d. Today is 12w5d. So close. So mother fucking close. I just know that when I actually get there this weekend there's going to be this weird anti-climactic feeling, but I don't care. And no 'sex' news. At the beginning of the scan the tech said she'd try to see if she could tell, but by the end, she had given up and was like: Nope - not happening.

Last night was a mess. After the earlier post we went to the grocery store. I got hungry. Immediately ravenous, I should say. I get hungry very quickly and if I don't eat soon, I start to get nauseous and nothing sounds good. And then I get a headache. So I got hungry and waited too long to eat and got very emotional about today and cried and cried and cried about it all. M was no help because he was a un-compassionate jerk yesterday (this could be the hormones, as he was pretty confused last night when we talked all this over). I ate, ignored M the rest of the evening and was in bed, reading by 9:00. I read an entire book. I have no idea how late I stayed up, I just wasn't tired enough to fall asleep immediately, which was my whole goal. I hate laying in bed, unable to sleep because I have 1000000000000 thoughts racing through my head. And this usually happens when I have a scan the next day. I get so anxious. And nervous. Anyway, so last night was pretty horrible. I did sleep, although I had nightmares about the book I was reading (should have known better to read a gruesome murder mystery before bed).

Today has been immensely better. I think, in addition to the crazy hormones that basically had be so upset about food, I just needed a good cry. Before the scan I went to Ulta and bought a Smashbox makeup kit (total waste of money as I've worn makeup twice in the last month, but I used a birthday gift card and I'm a total makeup junkie), then had lunch with M, had the scan, then had lunch #2, then went to BRU that is going out of business near us and spent way too much money on gender neutral things and stuff for my little sis who is having a baby boy in January (or me - is that wrong?), and then went to Target and bought a Cheesecake Factory cheesecake. Which I'll be popping open in a few. So yes. Today = much better day. (Hmmmmmm.... cheesecake.... droooooolllllll....)

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment (fun!) and then Wednesday we go back to make sure everything is kosher. I'm super excited to tell my family and friends about the little ones on the way and feel so much better about everything. M keeps double checking that I'm not getting all freaked out about something else now. I told him that I just wanted a bump now. Not to be super-fat whale-girl, but to look like I'm actually going to have a baby. Pics to come as soon as we upload them. (We got a DVD of pics - so cool!)

Look ma! We're like real babies! We even look like babies instead of weird blob things!

I tried to get the best pictures of each of them... the problem being that you very well could be looking at Baby A in both side pics because some of the pics were labeled and some weren't... or we could pretend that I got each of them in their glory and look how cute they are. (Also, yes I suck at consistent cropping.)

Nervous

2009-09-27T16:04:00.002-05:00

So, so nervous. And anxious. And nervous.

Tomorrow is our NT scan. Between being terrified that something has happened to one or both of them, to worrying about what the test could reveal... today is not so good. Less than 24 hours to go. I wouldn't even post this, but, well, its all a part of the journey, I guess. I wish I had had another scan earlier. It feels like it was so far away.

But I'm going to try not to think about it too much. M doesn't like it when I start stressing out and just wants me to relax and be happy. And I am! But today, I'm a wreck about tomorrow.

A Fascinating "Milestone" I'm Sure You Couldn't Live Without Knowing

2009-09-22T13:17:00.003-05:00

*Warning: gross content ahead*

I barfed this morning. A real, honest-to-goodness, spent-five-minutes gagging and retching all my stomach acid out with tears running down my face into the kitchen sink barf. (Don't judge; the kitchen sink was the closet throw-up acceptable place.) (I say don't judge because as I'm telling M this he's all eewwwwww! The kitchen sink! Why didn't you use the toliet? and is all judgey.)

Anyway, so my barfing is all the dog's fault. For the first time in... well, a long time, we had an accident of the Number Two variety. And I had to clean it up. I was fine... until I picked it up and put it in the bag (and my mouth is feeling all gaggy just thinking about it now) and then I had to dash to the kitchen sink and puke. And it was disgusting and burned the back of my throat and uck. And I know I shouldn't complain because oh-my-god I've been so lucky as to not actually have to do that everyday, but it was gross and reminded me of how much I hate throwing up and how lucky I've been.

And so then I opened the back door to help air out the odor and let a bunch of mosquitoes in, for which I got another grumpy comment about spraying air freshener. Yeah, because with my heightened sense of smell, smelling crap underneath fake-smelling spray is REALLY going to help. Good call there.

So, that was my morning. And then I went and ate blueberry pancakes with my brother. And M was jealous as he should have been for not being as impressed by the "milestone" this morning as I deem to be apropos. (According to him, he almost throws up dealing with that so its not a big deal. To which I say, yeah, but you haven't and I did, even though I've never after cleaning that up before, and you can go suck it.) And that's what he gets.

2009-09-18T12:59:00.002-05:00

Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through. But, fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.

11 weeks. Counting down to the end of the first trimester. I can't wait. So here's the obligatory weekly check in.

How far along? 11 weeks 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: Blissfully ignorant of this

Maternity clothes? I bought jeans! Motherhood has tall jeans for only $35! After seeing the ugly, short Kohl's jeans for $56, I didn't hesitate to buy them.

Stretch marks? Or bruises; no. Although, the side of my ass/hip is kinda numb. And I still have some redness.

Sleep: I can finally sleep a little on my side, but its more stomach/side, rather than side/side. I still wake up on my back and I still have some issues falling asleep at times. And I still wake up at least twice a night to pee.

Best moment this week: Um... buying the jeans?

Movement: My stomach rumbles a whole lot. My digestive system is all screwy right now, so that's where the most movement is coming from.

Food cravings: Not really. M was surprised that I'm ok with chicken... we'll see.. I don't know how common it is to have that aversion, or when it's common to have it.

Gender: No idea, although I'm hoping the u/s tech will be able to give us a good idea at the NT scan.

Labor/Symptom Signs: My biggest symptom is the food issue. Ugh. Food. I eat and feel fine. Then an hour later I'm burping and feeling completely nauseous. And my stomach is all rumbly and ucky. And the after taste in my mouth after eating and the burping... its bitter and sour and gross. And makes me want to throw up. I actually threw up in my mouth a little bit last night. The closest I've come to actually barfing. I'm still sleeping a lot; close to 12 hours a night, so I don't nap and don't feel completely exhausted during the day, until 6 o'clock when I start yawning. I still get tired. I still have lots of discharge. My nips are still sensitive. But other than that, I wake up and wonder if I really am pregnant. Because until I eat, I'm just unsure. At times I just don't feel any different than normal. And then I'll get a hot flash or snap at M or be starving and think, ok, well, this is a good sign.

What I miss: Soda, although I had my first in about two and a half months the other day. It was wonderful. And Subway. I really want a sandwich right now.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing the babies and seeing the heartbeats and seeing everything be good and normal and healthy. I get anxious when I think about it, so I try to block it out. But, it's nerve wracking and I'm so worried one of them will have something be wrong... agh... I'm not thinking about it.

Weekly Wisdom: Um... treat others as you want to be treated... ? I don't know what to put here.

Milestones: In two days I will be under 200 days until EDD!

I Suck... 10w0d

2009-09-08T13:10:00.014-05:00

With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)

So first can I just say... today is 10 weeks!!! The second major mini-milestone (after seeing heartbeats) I've been waiting for. And second... yes I suck. I haven't updated in a while. I would get annoyed with other blogs for not updating (especially the pg people's ones I'd go stalk to see how their week was measuring up to mine) and now I'm one of them. But at least I can say that I understand now. I've just been waiting for 10 weeks. And hoping nothing bad happens. So unless I wanted to constantly update with my complete neurotic-ness (which, I know is annoying based on M's reaction to it) there really isn't much else to say.

How far along? 10w0d.. Still so early...

Total weight gain/loss: Haven't really gained anything (which you wouldn't know by the way my clothes don't fit. I was in shock when I was weighed - M thinks the scale was lying to be nice to pg women).

Maternity clothes? No. But I am always wearing elastic, leggings, or cullots/gauchos. My jeans don't fit. Most of my other pants don't fit. I have a couple of work pants that were really big on me before that are now quite snug. But they work for 'formal' things for now.

Stretch marks? Um, no. Could this be bruises instead? Because then, hells yes. Ass/hip and stomach. Love those needles.

Sleep: Is a struggle. Sleeping on my back is best. Sleeping on my side doesn't feel good.

Best moment this week: Well, technically that will be tomorrow, when I don't have to have a PIO shot. I had my last one this morning. My ass/hip is numb, bruised and has red welts all over it, so not having anymore shots in that area will be total bliss.

Movement: Well, since its WAY too early for me to feel anything, this week it was awesome to see one of the babies twitching (M doesn't like that - he says dancing because it sounds better)

Food cravings: None, really.

Gender: I'm hoping for one of each.

Pregnancy (Labor) Signs: (I wish there was a strike through option; instead of labor I'm opting for this to mean symptoms because that's what relevant right now.) This is where the neurotic-ness kicks in. My boobs hurt one day, not the next. My nips are sensitive. I've had some weird pulling right above my pubic bone this week (like when I walk). My back hurts off and on. Some food still tastes weird. Nausea comes and goes. If I overeat, I'm absolutely miserable. Nauseous and bloated. I still get hungry often. Lots of discharge down there (which leads to lots of pantie checking). Gagging and dry heaving in the morning from phlegm. I sneeze a lot. Gagging at night when I brush my teeth. Getting up to pee at least twice at night. Every time we go anywhere I freeze. I get really cold and goosebumpy. My boobs have not gotten bigger. I think that's it... (could there be any more, lol?)

What I miss: soda

What I am looking forward to: Our NT scan, Sept 28, with follow up regular appointment on the 30th. Just a couple days after that, M's birthday; I'll be just over 13 weeks then. Those are my next major mini milestones. Also, showing. I can't wait to get a bump. Then maybe I'll actually believe that I'm pregnant. Whereas now, it's still hard to believe.

Milestones: We had the first real OB GYN appointment last Friday. It was weird, being amongst all the normalness. I was happy to hear that my doctor would most likely deliver me and I would get more attention later on, because I'm having twins. (I'm so speshul...)

The appointment last Friday went well, both babies looked great, both hearts beating away and some movement from one. I really like the staff at the new doctor and the doctor herself was nice and no-nonsense, which I appreciate. I didn't like the office decor (at all) but what does that matter, really? We got the whole new patient package, including a book, planner, some prescription PNV samples and some nice info sheets of what meds I can take and other informative stuff. (Gee, wonder why they're called info sheets.) We also got another picture, this time with both of them side by side.

*Also, I so wrote this yesterday but didn't want to jinx myself. So I waited to post it and then changed everything from 9w6d to 10w0d. (dorkus maximus over here)

**And also, has anyone else had bad dreams while pg? I keep dreaming I find blood in my underwear (takes no dream analyzer to figure that one out) but it scares me every time... I'd like a happy dream for once.

Pictures!

2009-08-28T10:21:00.006-05:00

Edited: I deleted all the stuff about the house stuff because I didn't want that bad stuff grouped with baby pics. If you missed it, sorry. I'll probably retell it later.

And pictures:

This is Baby B who is completely upside down.

And this is Baby A. We haven't gotten group shots since the 6 week mark. Still so tiny and small. Hard to believe these beans are causing me so much bloat and food issues. I can't wait until these beans look more like real babies. This week was better than before with the looking like babies versus looking like blobs. Also, I made my OB appointment - it's next Friday. I don't know if they're going to do vag cam scans, so who knows when my next set of pictures will be. I still haven't decided if I want to graduate myself from the RE, but am leaning towards it, if nothing but for the cost of the scans - $185. We get a discounted rate through our insurance, but we won't see that money for a while. We're going to be seriously budgeting from here on out with (knock on wood) a new house and twins on the way and all the costs that are associated with each.

8w1d

2009-08-27T12:23:00.003-05:00

We had another scan yesterday and everything was good! A's HB was 179 and B's was 170... everything was pretty much on track. I got into trouble because I haven't made an appointment with an OB yet. I wanted to wait until after this appointment and was told to get an appointment ASAP. Opps. I'm switching OB's though, so I'm trying to research a good one. They gave me a recommendation of some doctors who are in their building, so that's nice. I have to look them up first. I liked my other one (she's the one who recommended me to my clinic) but she's a drive and now that I don't work over there, there's no reason for me to make the drive.

I'm hairy as a something-really-hairy right now and am fighting the urge to shave... BUT there hasn't been another bleeding episode!!!!!! (knock on wood) And the SCH shrunk a little. Whoo-hoo! My symptoms are still come and go, which never ceases to freak me out. Sleeping... is... a fight. I am tired, but just can't seem to sleep very well or very long. I had my first gag/dry heave the other day - just the toothbrush and water first thing in the morning, but still no barfing (yay!). But I am pretty queasy a lot and food is very iffy right now. I don't fit into my pants very well, but this could be from the donuts I've been eating (because OMG yummmmm).... or it could be because I've got two embryos-almost-fetuses in me. I'm a tall person (5'11") and *ahem* not thin (slightly overweight) so I thought for sure that I wouldn't show (not that I'm 'showing' cuz I'm not, but my pudge has definitely gotten bigger) or be busting out of clothes this soon, but I apparently am. Spandex is my friend. I don't know if this is normal? Or just super bloat?

M keeps asking me when I'm going to "get excited" about this. And I tell him I am excited, but I know what he means. I'm reserved. You can't have something taken away and hear all the awful stories and not think that it could happen to you. (TMI warning) Every over-abundance of cervical discharge sends me rushing into the bathroom or pulling down my pants (when alone) to check my underwear. Today is one of those days. But, as far as we've made it, as normal as everything looks, it's still just so early. I feel like time has gone by so slowly that it should be the 12th week, but man, I've got a whole month until then! I keep giving M deadlines like, past seven weeks, when we get to 10 weeks, when we're out of the first tri, then I'll relax. We'll (hopefully) see.

Pics: Coming soon (hopefully). M has to scan them in so they're digital. But he will. And then I'll put them up.

7w0d

2009-08-19T16:10:00.002-05:00

And all is... good?

Can you believe it? We saw the heartbeats again today (A: 129 B: 134), and everyone is measuring on track. They are supposed to be the size of blueberries! Yum! There is a SCH though, but its apparently small. I'm still quite worried about it and google is my enemy. Hopefully everything will be fine.

I had yet another bleeding scare yesterday. It was about a two inch in diameter spot in my underwear when I stood up that was like watered down blood that increasingly got more bright red, but also less and less. M noticed a trend - I tend to bleed on days I shave my legs. I wonder if its something I do, some way I bend or twist in the shower? I don't know, but you can bet that I won't be shaving in the shower anytime soon. And hopefully we'll go a full week (or - dare I even hope it - more) without blood. That would be nice. Really, really nice.

We also had my mom and dad over for lunch Sunday and they are officially in the know about the embryos that are growing in my ute. They were super excited for us, although we warned about the earliness of everything. I think pictures drowned out our warnings.

Totally Stolen

2009-08-13T11:18:00.002-05:00

But right now I need them. Success After a Loss Mantras:

-"Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."

-"I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise."

-"My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c."

-"Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you." We all know m/c and complications are not contagious!

- "Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot ‘jinx’ your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!

- "There is nothing I can do to prevent a m/c from happening. Worrying yourself sick doesn't prevent a m/c. And if (gods forbid)it were to happen again, I know I will survive."

The Chance at Hope

2009-08-13T10:17:00.005-05:00

The post I originally wanted to write would have been full of hope. We passed our milestone yesterday and saw both babies heartbeats. We heard one, pumping away at a beautiful 103 bpm. We were joyous. Laughing, crying... we couldn't believe we landed on the good side of a percentage again. We told M's mom. We told our friends who knew we were pregnant already. We were so excited.

Maybe too excited.

I woke up with blood in my underwear. Blood, again. We've been to the RE's office for another scan, although by the time we got there, the bleeding had gone. Once again, no blood coming from the uterus and both babies are fine. *breathe* I can't begin to tell you how stressed and anxious these "episodes" have made me. I was sure I was losing them, each time. I still question everything I feel or don't feel. If I can just make it through this week. And then the next. M came home to take me to the doctor. He's my hero. I'm so glad he was there.

In good news, we got to see both babies, measure both heartbeats this time (A: 112; B: 99) and get more pictures. It's amazing to see the difference in growth in less than 24 hours. Right now they're a grain of rice. And I'm scared shitless, but so thankful everything seems to be good (for now).

And now, because I know you want to see, a picture from yesterday at 6w0d.

Scary night and an Update

2009-08-08T10:20:00.002-05:00

So last night, I'm sitting on the couch, eating too much ice cream and I feel a gush. Go to the bathroom and all I see is bright red blood. A lot of it. I tell M that I'm bleeding. It takes a second for him to understand. I have him call the on call nurse at the clinic. And she tells me to skip the Lovenox and baby aspirin and take it easy and stay hydrated. I make an appointment to come in this morning for a scan.

I didn't sleep. I cried all night long, sure I was losing this baby. My third miscarriage. The blood kept coming, with waves of pain and cramping in my back and abdomen. I passed a few clots and thought this was it.

We went to the clinic and got a scan. I'm only 5w3d today. But, good news. No bleeding from the uterus. I couldn't believe it. And, there are two sacs. M kept saying I can't believe you're doing this to me.

I can't believe I'm not miscarrying them. But as happy as I am about there being two, its doubly freak-out-ness now. Because if I do miscarry, now I know I'll be losing two.

I'm still so freaked out and scared. I'm still cramping. My back still hurts and I still have dark brown blood coming out. At least it isn't bright red. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We still have a long way to go and a lot can happen.

Tempting fate, yet agian

2009-08-06T15:34:00.002-05:00

This time it's because I bought a pregnancy book. What to Expect (otherwise known as WTEWYE) seemed to be the popular choice, so I just went with that. I don't own any kind of pregnancy book (something M was surprised to hear) and was nervous in the store buying it. It was an odd feeling; half of me kinda felt like a fraud and the other half was praying that buying it wouldn't be the start of something bad happening.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm scared. It's scary. I'm freaked. There's nothing to measure anything with right now. My symptoms come and go. I read some things (like headaches that last longer than a couple of hours - call your doc! or Back pain - signs of an impending miscarriage! or If you've had more than two miscarriages, you have a 40% chance of miscarrying again) and I freak out, and then remember that I've also read that headaches are normal in the first and third tri because of all the hormones and that back pain is also normal... (I don't know of any counter-argument against the m/c statistic, but I try not to think about it.) Because I don't have anything happening until next week, I peed on a stick this morning to see if the line would pop up right away and to see how dark it was. And it popped and was super dark - darker than the control. So that made me feel better - my little at home un-scientific test.

I'm also getting excited. M seems to think that I should be. That I should allow myself to be. That positive thinking will lead to a positive outcome. But I wanted to wait until I saw a heartbeat. I know that seeing a heartbeat isn't the end all be all of a healthy pregnancy, but I've never gotten that far and it's a big milestone to me. So I'm going to try it. Allowing myself to be happy. I'm going to try to let go of some bullshit superstitions I find myself clinging to (no cutting fingernails, waxing eyebrows or painting toenails - bet you didn't know what a super freak I was, huh?) I'm also going to try to stop qualifying everything I think in my head with "Well, maybe. Bad things happen all the time." I'm going to try to think of the good things we could see at next week's ultrasound... like twins :) and a yolk sac, with fetal pole in my uterus and everything looking great and normal and maybe a heartbeat (I did ask Nurse D what they wanted to see next week and she said the chances of seeing a heartbeat was 40%. I hope I'm on the lucky side of that percentage). But it's going to be hard.

So it'll either be a really happy birthday, or a really shitty one

2009-08-04T10:43:00.002-05:00

Because August 12 is when my first ultrasound is. And my birthday is the 14th. So... yeah. I'm kinda freaked out because they didn't run a beta today, they just checked my estrogen to see if I was good to come off the patches, and apparently I am. Good. And coming off the patches. But no beta. They said they don't run them a third time if everything looked good before. And since my number more than doubled, they're going to assume that everything is gravy.

I'm just worried.

And now it feels like a long, long time to wait. At that u/s I should be 6w0d exactly. I don't know if they're expecting to see a heartbeat or not (but I'm pretty sure they are. Well, I hope so. Or, I should say, I hope we see one then. Otherwise I think it'll be another week of waiting.) I'm also worried because I feel a very noticeable lack of symptoms this fine day. My boobs didn't hurt this morning. Still no nighttime peeing. I wasn't really hungry this morning. And... my back hurts a lot and I'm having sharp pains in my lower abdomen. So. Yeah.

Why can't this be easy? Why can't I be like 24 weeks right now? Why can't I be less whiny and scared and freaked about all of this?

I won an Award!

2009-08-03T13:51:00.005-05:00

Woot Woot! Thanks Jackie!

So now I have to follow the rules. (copied from Jackie) The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. (I'm cheating a bit here - I'm just going to put some IF blogs I love)

Please bear with me, as I've never listed and linked to blogs before... so here goes, in no particular order!

1. Jeanna's Motherhood Journey
2. ~Baby Manatee~
3. Maybe If You Just Relax
4. my acronyms give me character
5. http://nothowiplanned.blogspot.com/
6. http://peardream.blogspot.com/
7. The Fertility Project
8. Who Says Life is Fair?
9. Bella and her Fella
10. Blog Shmog
11. Don't Stop Believin'
12. The Journey is Not The Destination
13. The roller coaster of infertility
14. A Little Star of our Own
15. Peachy
16. Your maybe not so Average Twins-After-Pregnancy-After-Infertility Blog
17. Three Cheers for Babies
18. http://babbsbabytrail.blogspot.com/
19. A Foxy Family Blog (no link because its private)

Ok, well hopefully that worked. You ladies are all lovely and I love reading your blogs.

In other news... there is none. I'm starving a lot. And getting full faster. My boobs are getting sore. I still am cramping. My back hurts. (TMI) My pee smells weird. Chocolate gives me heartburn (M made chocolate chip cookies for me and the first bite I knew I would be hit with it. And I was). I'm constantly exhausted, but sleeping like shit. (Last night I ate half a bag of Skittles (which I normally don't reach for - now love) and then laid awake for an hour, with my heart pounding trying not to think 'things', and failing miserably. I think it was a sugar rush?) Oh, yeah... and the hotness. Especially at night.

I'm still scared shitless. I ordered more PIO and Lovenox, so I kinda feel like I'm tempting fate here. Tomorrow I go in for more blood work. They're slowly 'detoxing' me from the estrogen patches (I can't think of the right phrase, but you get the idea.)

ETA: I have had a headache since last night and am starting to freak. I need some good vibes. Headaches happen, right?

Beta #2 this AM

2009-07-31T13:58:00.002-05:00

And it's up. To 356.

I... am....

finally able to breathe today.

But still feel very super duper cautious. Like I said before, I need to see the heartbeat. I need it to be there. And then and only then will I feel ... good.

My symptoms are very few: I notice I'm drinking more water and I have slight cramping. Kinda like AF is on her way. I can also smell more strongly I think. Maybe. But no sore boobies. And nothing that really says - wow - I MUST be pregnant now.

We go back again Tuesday. For more bloodwork. Today I got big hugs and smiles from everyone, which I accepted with anxiousness and nervousness and tight, tiny little smiles back. I was glad the clinic was kinda empty otherwise I would have felt bad for the other patients there. I love those people. I go down to one patch of Vivelle on Saturday. And that's all she wrote.

Well not all. I really appreciate everyone who has thought of me during this journey. Thank you for all the good thoughts and well wishes and everything. I'll say it again: this part is the scariest part. I'm still so freaked out and scared. But all is good for now.

So Apparently my "Feelings" Are Shit

2009-07-29T12:05:00.002-05:00

Because BFP. 126.

Not the highest, but I've had higher and miscarried. Not the lowest either, it's higher than the other miscarriage. I don't think I'll truly believe it until I see the heartbeat. This is the scariest part of this entire process.

Please send good thoughts/prayers/vibes/whatever you want that this one sticks. And thanks.

Beta This AM

2009-07-29T08:46:00.002-05:00

I don't really know what to think. I told M before going in (as he was giving me my shot) that I felt that it was fair that he know how I was feeling, since it's not like he has a clue either way about this working, that I didn't feel like this worked. I told him, that I could be wrong, and I hoped that I was, but I just didn't feel it. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, or trying to "prepare myself" - I just don't feel it. I mean, I guess I have some symptoms, but I don't have key others like sore boos/nips and getting up to pee during the night. I know every pregnancy is different and I pray to God (and I'm not religious) that this is a pregnancy, but ... *sigh*... I guess we'll see. I haven't tested, so I really have no clue other than my "feeling" so, I'll update later when I get the news.

Big Fat Doofus

2009-07-25T12:47:00.002-05:00

Is me. See, I forgot that I was supposed to start the Vivelle patches yesterday. Arguably the easiest of all fertility meds. They're no mess, completely painless... I mean. So. Easy. And I forgot them. Until I woke up last night after another terrible, anxiety-ridden nightmare with heartburn and hot flashes and a need to pee (I forgot those lovely "symptoms" in yesterday's post) and realized that I was supposed to start them. So I slapped those puppies on at 3:31am. And then fretted and couldn't go back to sleep. And once I did, had another nightmare. Am preparing myself and trying not to stress, but lying wide awake last night in bed, trying not to think about it... well, let's just say last night was not a pleasant one. At least the patches are supposed to help with the hot flashes, so maybe tonight I'll sleep better.

Nothing Doing

2009-07-24T11:08:00.002-05:00

So, let's see... not much going on here! Still! I know, so boring. Why blog about nothing? I've been taking it easy, trying not to do anything to elevate my heart rate, still doing shots twice a day... I've been crampy. And that's about it. I don't notice that I get tired early - of course since I sleep from 10-10:30 to 9-9:30 there really is no reason to get tired, but it's one of the pregnancy symptoms I look for. I feel pretty hot a lot it seems (not that this means anything), and my boobs do NOT (I repeat DO NOT) hurt. They are not sore. So, I don't really know what to think, to be honest. I'm trying not to think anything. What will be will be. I can't control what will happen. *Rinse and repeat**Rinse and repeat*... No stressing allowed.

Freeze Report

2009-07-22T15:22:00.003-05:00

Only two made it to freeze. Again, I know how lucky we are to have any to freeze, but considering there were so many, I'm kinda sad so many didn't make it. Nothing much to report here. I've extended my bed rest until M gets home from work. I figure it couldn't hurt anything.

The PIO shots seem to have gotten better. I've been icing down the area first, and the burn doesn't seem to last very long, which I'm thankful for. The Lovenox though - damn! That burns. And burns for like 30 minutes after the injection. At least the Menopur only burned for a minute or two. But, no complaints, really.

Hmm... guess that's it! It's pretty boring around here. I guess I won't really have any news until my beta next Wednesday. Whew! I have to say - one advantage to IVF and a 5dt is that the 2ww is really short! I only have one week left!

Transfer was Yesterday

2009-07-21T09:32:00.003-05:00

So, technically, I'm pregnant! With two embryos!

We got the grades on our transfer - 4AA and 4AA! As Dr. M said there were two superstars in the bunch, so we transferred those.

So what do you think? A boy and a girl? Both boys? Both girls? These two are currently residing in my lovely ute, hopefully snuggling in for the long haul. We're still waiting to hear how many will make it to freeze. We know that two will definitely be going (4BB's) but there are 5 others that could also make it. We'll see. At this point, I'm just thrilled with the two and know I'm lucky to have that many.

Below is a picture of my uterus, and circled in green are the superstars and an air bubble. Woohoo! My uterus is on the Internet! The green arrow is pointing to my very full bladder, for which there is a very embarrassing story to go along with.

Embarrassing Bladder Story: So we do the transfer. It's easy as pie. My cervix is a cooperating rockstar. I feel no pain except the very pressing need to pee. Which is normal - they do that on purpose. So I drank all the water I'm supposed to. My appointment is at 1:15. We don't get seen until 1:40. Um... they realize I'm sitting here with a full bladder, no? But, I survive and hold it. We got talk to Dr. M. I get changed and we get all set up. Transfer, yay! Then they catheterize me. To relieve my bladder. Let me tell you, this is not the same comfort as peeing (although the catheter part itself - not as painful as I'd anticipated). The act of peeing - well, its just better. But, soon enough, my bladder empties and they leave me and M in there - I'm supposed to chill horizontally for an hour. Well, when I drink a bunch of water like that, before long, I have to pee again. So, before I know it, I'm sitting there with a full bladder - again. But can't get up. So they bring me a bed pan. It's not an old fashioned kind - it's a smaller kind. She positions it and tells me to let loose. So I do. I pee. And pee. And pee. And feel so. much. better. 5 minutes later, I'm peeing again! Man, water just goes through me. So she comes to take it away. And I realize, that I have peed all over myself. There is pee up my back, soaking my shirt. I have no idea what happened. Did the bed pan malfunction? Was it not situated correctly? Was it overflowing? I don't know but do know that I walked out of there with a hospital gown and my pants on. I think people think I was escaping or something.

So that's the story of my transfer. I go in for a blood test Wednesday the 29th to see what has happened. I have to admit, now that they're in me, I feel all responsible. Before, someone else was taking care of them and making sure that nothing horrible happened, but now its all me and my bed resting self, who is supposed to be at a 45 degree angle. Not 90. No strain on the ute. Maybe it needs another Valium?

Embie Update

2009-07-18T22:24:00.002-05:00

We have some bona fide rock stars on our hands! All 16 of our embryos are still growing. All of them, to which I say: Wahoo!! It totally made what would have been a sad day. So now we officially have a 5 day transfer on Monday.

Today I spent the day with my mom and sister wedding dress shopping. After nearly 12 hours, we finished and I came back home. A got a dress. My mom and I got dresses. This might be one of the most dressy wedding the Justice of the Peace has seen. M was surprised because he thought he'd be able to wear jeans. Ha! A's dress really is very pretty though and I know she'll make a beautiful bride when she gets married on the 27th.

Keeping busy really helped keep my mind off the sad landmark that today should have been: the estimated delivery date for my second pregnancy. I want to note and acknowledge that here because its important that I remember these dates and remember what I lost and the journey I've traveled. I can only hope that the losses we've suffered have brought us closer to our live baby, who I hope to meet soon.

First PIO shot

2009-07-17T07:37:00.002-05:00

and let me say what no one else has... Ow, ow, fuckity ow! M gave it to me before he headed off to work and I thought I'd be able to go right back to sleep. Well, no. I'm here instead with heating pad on my ass/hip trying to make the injection site stop hurting. It just kinda burns. And I've tried really massaging it in. I've tried the heating pad thing (well am in the process of, but it doesn't seem to be helping a lot). So what do I do now? I'm so NOT looking forward to tomorrow morning and the next 8 weeks of mornings.

Also, I want to send some loooove to our 16 embryos - I hope you guys are growing big and strong and fast for us! As M said this morning, we're doing everything we can to give you a nice home; please stay with us a while.

Fert Report In!

2009-07-16T11:09:00.002-05:00

So I feel better today. Not anywhere near 100%, but better. Like standing up and sitting back down aren't a big accomplishment accompanied with grunts and moans that take a couple of minutes. I got up to pee like 5 times last night. I hope that means the fluid intake is where it should be. Also, peeing? Better too. I'm still feeling a lot of pressure, but for the most part the pain is manageable. And I've shunned the heating pad because its like 105 degrees out there today and I'm already hot just from taking the dog out.

I got my phone call this morning on how many embies we have. Out of the 32 eggs retrieved, 26 were mature. Which is great. Fantastic! But, I have to admit, I was a little sad about those 6 eggs that weren't fully mature. I feel like they didn't have a chance to be all they could be. But! 26! No feeling sorry about that at all! That's an amazing number. I'm SO thankful so many were mature. Out of the 26 that were mature though, only 16 fertilized normally. Which - again - I'm thrilled about the number! That's a huge number and I know how lucky I am and I'm extremely thankful my body at least did this right. But at the same time, I'm a little sad about the 10 that were busts. But, this is the great thing about IVF - I'd rather these 10 go bust now than be doing an IUI where the 3 eggs released potentially all go bust/fertilize incorrectly and I end up miscarrying again. And, it's not like we don't have an awesome amount of embryos now that are growing for us. I really, really hope they all grow normally and we have a lot to freeze.

We have a Saturday appointment in case we do a 3 day transfer (and I found out the difference between a 3 day and a 5 day (according to Nurse D): a 3 day transfer happens when there aren't a lot of embryos to choose from. If there are a lot, they wait the two days to see which show themselves to be the best and the worst and then transfer the best back.) Nurse D said she was 95% sure that we would go to Monday, so I hope that's the case. She's been mostly right about a lot of things, so I hope this one goes in her favor.

So that's about all. I've been sleeping my ass off, chilling on the couch and reading and watching TV... I need to go catch up with everyone on my favorite board. Thanks to everyone who is thinking of us and our little embies! I'll keep you posted when I get news...

32

2009-07-15T20:57:00.005-05:00

Eggs. Retrieved.

Holy fraking hell. I really thought I was just way over-hoping when I said I wanted 30. I figured I would be a good candidate to get a lot what with the PCOS. But wowza. I know that 32 is an amazing number and I'm incredibly lucky to get so many. I just hope a good number of them are mature, because Dr. M. didn't know after the procedure.

And also? Holy fucking hell. The pain. Oh my god. I woke up with a heating pad on me. Which, thank god. And then I cried like a big baby. I just wasn't really expecting it. At all. I didn't read or hear of anyone having shitloads of pain. I've been guzzling Tylenol (that's an exaggeration, but I've been taking it all day, as prescribed) and laying around with a heating pad. It's just incapacitating. I really hope tomorrow is better because my god. Just moving around hurts. And peeing hurts. And standing up. And sitting down. I think, when I don't move my body much at all, that feels best. I wonder if # of eggs retrieved has a correlation to pain? Will update tomorrow on how many embryos fertilized and are growing...

Holy Freaking Estrogen

2009-07-13T14:00:00.002-05:00

It's 5152. Seriously. I asked how many eggs they are expecting to get and Nurse D said she'd be surprised if they got less than 20 and would expect 20-25. Which fits perfectly into my own expectations, but wow. I kinda thought I might be full of shit to expect that (I actually was hoping for 3o, but WILL NOT COMPLAIN if they get 20). They counted 12 mature this morning and 19 others. She said this was just an estimate, so I'm going to try and not pin all hopes on that number. I just gave myself another dose of Gonal-f. I can't even imagine how high my estrogen will be at the time of retrieval. Trigger at 9:30pm sharp for 8:00am Wednesday retrieval. Holy crap. This is really happening.

Scan this Morning...

2009-07-13T10:16:00.003-05:00

and I'm triggering tonight! They said I had tons of growth and looked to be perfectly on track. I'm waiting to do my morning stim shot to see what my estrogen is, but my ovaries are nice and huge with lots and lots of follies and my lining was an awesome 14mm!!! Dr. M was right though - I definitely started to feel it yesterday, and man am I feeling it today! I slept poorly dreaming that I couldn't breathe very well from all the pressure in my abdomen (although I could breathe fine when I woke up). My subconscious must be working out all my anxieties. I suppose now I'll dream they only got one egg or something. I know the expectations I have for myself for the number of eggs we should get, and I know I'll be disappointed if we don't get a certain number... it seems like everyone else (my mom and M) thinks I'm crazy for thinking it. Oh well. So it looks like Wednesday will be the big day for retrieval which puts the transfer at next Monday. Whoo. It's really happening! I just hope I don't screw up any of the meds...

I'll update my estrogen level when I get it.

From Friday

2009-07-11T22:43:00.002-05:00

I had another check Friday morning and my estrogen was 1671. Whoo-hoo! Everything looks like it's still on track. I'm not sure about the follie count, but it did seem to me that I didn't have as many measurable follies as I should. She counted maybe three on each ovary that was over 10, but then said there were around 12 more on each that was under. Which has me slightly worried, but there's not much I can do about it. I go back on Monday to see where we are then. I'm guessing I should be getting ready to trigger, and will most likely trigger Monday or Tuesday. I think its kinda funny that I am not triggering tonight like some people thought I would - I guess my body isn't as predictable as they thought. I'm not upset by any means - is there is any chance that stimming a little longer means more mature eggs of better quality (and I'm not saying that it does, in fact no one ever told me that, it's just something I feel to be true - I'd rather trigger on the average middle day than go at the earliest possible), I'll take it. So Monday we get a better idea.

I am definitely feeling pressure in my abdomen, in the ovary area almost all the time. The bloat isn't constantly bad - I feel it at certain times, but not always. I have to say, I really thought I'd be feeling worse by now. I guess I just prepared myself for the worst possible, and I just keep waiting for it to get there. (Not that I'm complaining that it's not there now...) Dr. M said Sunday (tomorrow) I should really start to feel it... She did the scan Friday, which I was happy about. M had to be at work early so was unable to be there and was sad to miss seeing Dr. M and being there for the scan. My lining was 9.8mm - she said they like to see at least 7 for transfers, so I'm golden there. It should get even thicker - the better for my little em-babies to implant into.

I also realized something with all the timing of things. I kept worrying that I would get pregnant and we would still be in this house and not have space, that we would still be trying to sell it with a newborn, and I wouldn't get to decorate a nursery because we had to keep it neutral, etc. etc. but... now I'm glad its working out this way. I just keep thinking, well, if we have two then that could change a lot of things for us... the house we buy (and where and how big and how much), if I'm going to work, the car we buy, everything (especially if there's even a question of me going back to work). And so I realized that maybe the timing IS perfect because we need to know how many babies we're going to have right now before doing all these big things. Because, and I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but this will be the only round of IVF we do. We can't afford to do this again. If we have frozen, we might try for siblings, but we're both ok with only having one child. So unless we get two with this one shot, we most likely won't have another. Which is kinda sad, but makes a big difference in future plans. So if the universe wants the timing to be so we know what to better plan for... I'm ok with that. But it better get it's butt in gear once we know.

Follow Up...

2009-07-08T16:49:00.002-05:00

So my e2 this morning was 678. I am dropping my menopur dosage from 150iu to 75iu and keeping the Gonal the same at 150iu. I also forgot to mention my lining measurements this morning - it was 8mm, which he said was great for where I am right now. I go back in on Friday to see where we are! I'm thinking that Nurse D might be off a little - she was guessing a Saturday trigger for Monday ER, but I'm thinking I may go another day or two... I guess we'll see! If I do, I won't have any complaints - I'd like as many eggs to be as mature as possible. I just keep expecting my e2 to be in the 2000-3000 and it feels like I have a long way to go until then. But I seem to be getting there!

Ugh, Bloat

2009-07-08T10:29:00.002-05:00

So I had another appointment today, complete with scan and bloodwork. I don't have my estrogen results yet (will update that later), but the scan was great! I had 35-40 follies total, with the largest ones being ~ 9-11mm (I cannot tell you how excited I am about the number of potential eggs I have!! Finally, something good about having PCOS! Now I just hope they all get good and mature and that all of the follies have eggs in them). Dr. H said everything looked perfect and that I was right on track.

I'm really starting to feel the bloat though. Man, oh man, with the increased appetite and now bloating, I can't even imagine what I'm going to feel like in the next several days. Don't get me wrong - I've been expecting this, and right now I don't feel worse than I have for my IUI's, but knowing its going to get worse has me a little worried. I know I'll survive though. And I know feeling like this is nothing compared to what I'll be getting out of this deal and will gladly put up with it. I just hope I can find pants to wear that keep me comfy during this process lol. I have a feeling my pajama pants and yoga pants will be getting a full run during the next couple of weeks.

And, I have to admit, I am super excited for Big Brother to start!!! Whee! I love that show. Poor M - he abhors all reality TV and these coming weeks will be a nightmare for him as I obsess about it. Oh well, at least I can watch the Tivo'ed episodes at home while he works.

I want to also thank the people who read this blog and leave comments - I appreciate all of your support throughout this process and reading your comments really brighten my day - so thank you!!

Oh, and I guess I should update the dog/house situation... We had a showing Monday and she liked it a lot and said she wanted to bring someone else by to see it again... we'll see. My hopes are no higher than the tops of my feet about this. But at least we had a showing. That's something. It seems like all of that has really slowed. We aren't even running out of flyers like we used to. It's discouraging, but I know it'll sell eventually (hopefully) and if not, I know we can live here without problem, until it does. Poor Leinie on the other hand... her UTI hasn't completely gone away. She finished off the round of meds over the weekend, and I noticed her squatting multiple times Monday and Tuesday, a sure sign that her infection is not completely gone. I called and the Dr. gave her another round of antibiotics. The problem is, the bacteria (e. coli) is very resistant to medicine which doesn't actually kill the bacteria - it just keeps them from reproducing. So until all the bacteria completely die off, as soon as the medicine stops, remaining bacteria will start growing again. Because she's so young, she can't be on a broader spectrum antibiotic that would kill the bacteria, and her immune and urinary systems are immature and unable to fight as hard to get rid of the infection. So, I'm glad she's back on the meds and I hope this round will wipe out all the remaining bacteria once and for all. Otherwise, we're looking at a very expensive, very time consuming process that will delay her potty training even more.

Update

2009-07-06T16:41:00.002-05:00

So my e2 is 228; Nurse D said that was perfect. Exactly where I should be. Not too high, not too low. So yay! I go back Wednesday for another e2 test and a scan. She said they would be looking at my lining then, which I shouldn't have a problem with (knock on wood). I also clarified that I would definitely be getting a scan then. She laughed and said that because I had been there for so long, they all just assume I've been through it before and know what to expect, and that they forget this is my first IVF cycle. My dosage is staying the same at 2 units (150iu) of Gonal in the morning, and 2 units of Menopur, with 5iu of Lupron and the dexamethasone at night. So far everything looks like its going perfectly for this cycle. I just hope it stays that way.

So Far, So Good!

2009-07-06T10:36:00.003-05:00

My suppression check was Thursday. I had a follicle that was close to being too big (9.3mm; 10 would have been the limit) but my blood work came back within limits (estrogen was 55; 70 was the limit), so I got to start stims on the fourth (Wahoo! Independence Day! Freedom for ovaries and eggs! No, just kidding... But seriously, I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend.) So, starting stims was exciting... in a very anti-climatic way. Just more shots. The mixing was interesting and fun, but the anxiety of making sure I was doing it right and making sure M got his meds every time he was supposed to kind of made it not as exciting. And it doesn't really feel like anything is very different than a normal IUI cycle. Of course since I stayed up all night worried about the IM shots, I know how different this cycle is going to be, it just doesn't feel like it yet.

I went in this morning to get my blood work checked (my mom came too because I thought we'd get a scan - half an hour after waiting, I was told that I wasn't going to get one... grr... they could have told me a little sooner.) So we'll see where we are and when my next check is. I'll update that info when I get it.

The weekend was nice. Hanging out with everyone in San Ann-tone was a lot of fun. We spent a lot of time by the pool and ate a lot of food, like we normally do when we go down there. We went to a little parade and ate homemade ice cream... see that? With the food there - yeah... a lot of food. I got a slight burn, even wearing SPF 70 sunscreen, but nothing too bad. Leinie had a blast with her brother, who Amy brought down as well. It was awesome for her to have a playmate - they kept each other occupied all weekend. It was super sweet to see her after he left though - she kept looking for him all over the house.

Now I have to go look for a job... I really need one, but, at the same time, am terrified of getting one. Terr-i-fied. I have no idea what I will be doing. At least with an office job, I kinda learned as I went, but this kind of thing is just completely different. And I'm a little freaked. Ugh, so now I need to figure out how to fake my way to actually getting a job and then fake my way along until I know what I'm doing.

Ah, Lupron

2009-07-01T11:24:00.003-05:00

At the beginning, there wasn't much in the side effects department. Now, I am sorry to say, I feel like I was mislead. Night sweats. Increased appetite. Aversion to alcohol. Headache.

I thought I was just really hot at night and couldn't find the right temperature. Until I realized that I did this with Clomid and M isn't experiencing this. So. Yeah. Night sweats. Fun.

I thought I was just really hungry a lot. I didn't really notice that I had a super increased appetite until I realized that I was eating like a pig, and always hungry again shortly thereafter. Because the weight I'll gain from the bloat of the other drugs isn't enough, thank you Lupron for the extra poundage I'm surely carrying.

Monday night I went out with Amy. I figured it would be my last night out on the town because I should start stims on July 4. Those first couple of drinks made me a little nauseous. But, trooper that I am, I got past it and had a good time. Didn't get stupid drunk. Barely got intoxicated, I would say. My tab was $8. I mean, come on, that's nothing. Drank shitloads of water. Felt fine when I woke up. Then later that afternoon had a monster headache a stomach so messed up I was afraid to be too far from a toliet. So, thank you, Lupron. I didn't know you didn't like alcohol. Won't be doing that again.

I go in tomorrow morning for my suppression check. Everything seems to be going according to plan. I started what feels like a mini period yesterday, to my surprise. I thought my body would fuck that up too, and I'd be one of the weirdo patients who didn't have a period coming off the birth control. But I do! Which is perfect. I just hope everything goes according to plan for this cycle. I really, really do.

Update on Me!

2009-06-25T11:31:00.003-05:00

So I've been a bit MIA here.

To catch up, yesterday was my last BCP. I took 27 days of them (my clinic always ends BCPs on Wednesdays). I started 10 units of Lupron on Monday, so I've been doing that for a couple of days. After watching the "how to give yourself IM injections" I decided I need to learn how to stab myself, instead of slowly pushing the needle in. M is deathly afraid (like will literally pass out) of needles, so he will not be giving me my IM injections. Which worries me. I don't know if I'll be able to pull back and test for blood. He may have to look after the needle is in. Anyway, so I've been stabbing myself with the Lupron needle and doing it without icing the area down (like a big girl!). And have been getting red splotches that kinda itch. I don't know if this is from jabbing the needle in, or if its just the Lupron I'm having a slight reaction to. It doesn't last longer than 30-60 minutes, so I'm not too worried about it.

But that's about it! The puppy is still in classes and we seem to have a handle on her UTI. The crate and potty training seem to be slowly coming along. We still manage to have at least one accident in the house a day (which isn't TOO bad) and she is holding it and sleeping in her crate through most of the night. We are having a major pulling problem on the leash though. She just wants to come inside immediately! This lead to the accident of the day yesterday (while I was trying to get the house ready for a showing, no less) and is causing a big problem. I'm worried that she doesn't want to go outside and therefore will not go to the door when she has to pee. And when I take her out to pee and she immediately does her business and then rushes in, it leads to accidents of the number 2 variety. (Which, uck.)

After this weekend, things will really be happening. We have the suppression check, I'm visiting a friend and her new baby, my sister has her first OBGYN appointment, we have another puppy class and we'll be going to San Antonio for the Fourth of July weekend, and hopefully will start stimming then. And then things will REALLY start happening! Which I'm really very excited about, although the IM needles still scare me. Bring on the stims! Those needles are easy! But starting from the trigger... gulp.

And, can I please also mention - holy mother fucker is it hot? It got to 103 degrees yesterday! Today is supposed to be 102! According to the weather.com, right now it's 97 degrees but feels like 104. Um, seriously? We haven't had rain in weeks... ugh. It's so nasty outside. I hate summer.

Obligatory Meds Pic

2009-06-19T12:34:00.004-05:00

Or: Oh. My. God. Look at those needles.

Yes, I know it's four pictures of basically the same thing. But still. I'm kinda horrified by all the needles I know I'll be sticking myself with. (Seriously, after accounting for everything and matching everything up I started really looking and started sweating (lovely, I know).)

Teach Class - I'm all Learned Now!

2009-06-18T14:16:00.002-05:00

So a lot of paperwork to sign. A lot of talk of needles that sound really scary. I'm worried about mixing the meds correctly and making sure I do the right thing at the right time. But there's also a lot of excitement. I feel like this is actually happening now. We ordered my meds, so the requisite picture of the stacks of boxes will be coming. I have a calendar, which is something so delightfully awesome, I can barely contain my excitement. I have a little bit of organizational/planning obsessiveness that takes over when I feel out of my element or when doing something new, so I can't tell you how much calmer I feel having it. I'm such a freak one of my favorite things to do besides making lists is filling up my datebook. I'm usually disappointed by the look of it as my life isn't that interesting, but with all these appointments and a calendar(!) I know I'll be able to fill it up soon. So, my tentative calendar, for all the blog world to see:

June 22 (that's Monday!): Start Lupr.on (10iu)/Dexy
June 24: Last BCP
July 2: Suppression check
July 4: Start stims 150iu of Go.nal-f and 150iu of Men.opur; Lupr.on decreased to 5iu
July 6: First office visit to check progress

Nurse D told me that I'd probably stim for 8 days rather than 10, based on previous reaction to the meds and that we'd probably have egg retrieval early the week of July 13. Then I start other meds (tetracycline, medrol, PIO) the days following and the have Valium for the ET, the next day start Loven.ox and then start Viv.elle.

Whew. (Oh yeah, and she totally hooked me up with a couple boxes of *free* meds - she is officially my favorite.person.ever.)

In Leinie news, her UTI isn't going away. I knew it wasn't. I knew she wasn't responding to the antibiotics, knew she wasn't back to normal. And the culture came back and confirmed it. So now we're starting all over with a different drug that will hopefully clear this thing up. Unfortunately, it's a slower acting drug, so we can't expect to see any change until four or five days have gone by. Which is really screwing with her potty training. We had her first puppy class last night and the trainer said that we would have to start all over with her and potty training once the infection is gone. Which disturbs her crate training. And a lot of the other training we're trying to accomplish in this class. Ugh. I just hope she feels better soon so we can play with her more and get her on the right track.

Bye Bye Savings...

2009-06-17T10:08:00.004-05:00

I know when I actually have my baby, I won't be so sad to see all that money gone, but right now it stings a little bit.

$31,800.

Down payment on a house.

Really nice car I will never drive.

Paying off student loans.

Getting a baby.

Ouch. Shared Risk IVF with ICSI. Man, oh man. This doesn't include meds, cryo or anesthesia. There's always the 70% back if this doesn't work, but its not like we want that. I don't know how people do this. We could have paid the clinic cycle by cycle... $13,815 per IVF with ICSI cycle. The money will be charged to our now maxed out credit cards as we speak. At least we get 1% cash back... it's something.

Hopefully once things get rolling we won't miss the money too badly. Hopefully, we learn to be more frugal. Hopefully I can get a job. Hopefully, this works and we get our baby.

Like I mentioned in a previous post there are a lot of miracles we need this summer. I hope we're doing our part to make this one happen.

And lest I sound like an ungrateful brat, I would like to acknowledge that I know how incredibly lucky we are to even be able to financially swing this. I know there are incomplete families out there who can't. And my heart breaks for them. Just like it breaks for those who have exhausted all monetary resources and still don't have a family. Just like it breaks for those struggling with IF. I hope someday everyone is able to have the family they dream of.

Other Things

2009-06-16T07:17:00.003-05:00

So, to catch up on everything non-IF/baby related...

Leinie (puppy) has a UTI. Anyone who has ever had one knows how painful and uncomfortable they are and can probably guess how fun this is making the potty training process. She went to the vet and almost $300 later, she has antibiotics and should be feeling better soon. She also is enrolled in a puppy training class, which I'm very excited about. She goes for 8 weeks, on Wednesday nights. I'm happy we actually signed her up for them and are doing it. We've talked and talked about how we need to get her in a class to get trained because once she gets full grown she'll be impossible otherwise, blah blah blah, but now all that talk is being put into action and I'm excited.

I had a job fair yesterday, in which I left with the same feeling of "Wow. I just wasted my day." I really hope something comes from this though.

We also had a showing the other day. Amy said they were interested, but honestly, it doesn't really matter how much they liked it. I've gotten excited over people being "interested" and nothing has ever come of it, so I'm kinda over all that. If we get an offer, then I'll be excited. But not until then.

And, I suppose that's pretty much it. Except - oh yeah. I'm going to be an aunt. My little sister is pregnant. My little, 23-year-old, still-in-school, unmarried sister is pregnant. Surprise! (And as awful as this sounds, I'm kinda relieved she wasn't actually trying - the we've-been-trying-for-a-month-or-two-and-golly-gee!-I'm-preggo! would sting a lot more.)

She's excited though, so I'm happy for her. There's going to be a wedding soon, and I know I'll be picturing my dad with a shotgun the entire time. She's not very far along and has her first appointment with her OBGYN on the 30th where she'll find out for sure.

Honestly, with everything, I'm not super upset. I know it'll be really hard when I see her with a belly. And when I see my dad with his grandchild. That'll be really hard. Really fucking hard. Life doesn't always work out the way you think. I always thought that as the first grandchild, I'd be having the first baby, and I was obviously very wrong about that. I think what I'll be most upset about is all the firsts I'll miss. Firsts I thought for all my life would be mine. And I know that I'll be super upset if she gets anything I don't. It better be fair, dammit. She's been so spoiled all this time (the baby of the family)... I swear to god, I will lose it. It's one thing when she gets a brand new phone and digital camera for Christmas and you get sheets. But our babies better be getting the SAME. DAMN. SHIT. That'll just push me over the edge. It really will. And she better be getting fucking sheets for Christmas now too, since she'll be all married. If things changed for me, they sure as hell better change for her. I almost feel like I should sit down with my mom and have this discussion of what fairness and treating your children equally and showing no favoritism means with her.

Ugh, thinking about all this just makes me feel all ugly and bitter. But, as selfish as it seems, I'm completely serious. I've distanced myself from my family because of shit like this. Because it hurts to see them fawn over and spend so much money on her when they don't for me (and my brother). And I'll be the first to admit, I have unresolved issues from my wedding when they left in the middle of it. (Oh, yes. There's a story here - but it's ugly and bitter and hurts so much I doubt I'll be re-telling it, but it's there.) And the fucking sheets at Christmas amongst cameras and digital phones (and how something similar seems to happen every year. We all get a GPS system? She gets another brand new PDA too... and only her.)(And I still have those sheets, have never used them and will be re-gifting them at an appropriate time.) And the free vs. not so free college education. (Yes, another story. Probably won't fill in the details of that either. Sorry.) But I swear to god if they treat my child (I'll have one dammit - it may not be first, but it'll be there) like they treated me... It will not happen.

Ahem. I've seem to gone off on a rather unpleasant trip down memory lane. So, I'm off to deal with my still sick and peeing everywhere puppy and to eat some breakfast.

ETA: And now, reading this a few hours later, I feel like I should add something. I truly am happy for her and hope that she can make the best of this situation. She knew about our struggles and was very worried about how I would feel about her news and was upset thinking she might upset me. It was sweet of her to be so concerned. I told her that our struggles don't have anything to do with her and I don't blame her for this. Its sweet of her to keep me in mind, but it's not her fault I can't get/stay pregnant. She's excited about this and I'm excited for her, even if I'm sad for myself.

It's also not her fault she was/is treated differently and I'm not angry with her about that either. And, at this point, all projected "unfairness" hasn't even happened. I've no reason to get angry over something that hasn't happened (is it wrong of me to add 'yet'?). I hope my mom pushes her to become more independent and stops holding her hand. If she's going to have and take care of a baby, she has to be able to take care of herself.

And lastly, I need to keep the bitterness out of my blog and my mind. I've tried so hard to work through this and get past all of this and its so ugly when it comes up. I don't want to be that person always looking at the past and comparing this and that. I don't want the past staining my life. (Although, I will admit weakness with the sheets.... we got them the Christmas after we got married, the same year both my brother and sister got digital cameras (my sis got a nicer model, something that chaps my ass for my brother's sake )and chaps his as well)). I will return them to my parents, I just haven't thought of when the most appropriate time would be.)

Update after RE Meeting

2009-06-12T17:45:00.004-05:00

We have a plan! We have a tentative schedule! We have understanding about our clinic's standard operating procedures regarding strict morph!

So right now, the teach class is next Thursday, when I'll also get the prescription for Lupron. I'll start that while still on BCP, then continue for (I think she said 10 days?). Suppression check is July 2. Stims (the Gonal and Menopur) should start July 4 (Happy Fourth of July to me! We'll be in San Antonio and I'm glad we won't have to cancel that trip...) and the egg retrieval (ER) should be the week of July 13-17. Whoopee! With the embryo transfer (ET) at the latest July 22. Which, I believe puts beta at July 31? I'll start PIO right after the ER and then Lovenox after the (ET). If all goes according to schedule, this should be the plan. We think I'll probably go early for ER because I respond well to the meds, so I guess we'll see!

I'm so excited!!! It all seems to be happening so fast, even though I know ER is like a month away. Yippee!! I know I'll be pregnant in no time!

Oh yeah, and their SOP is that strict morph doesn't matter with IUI's - only IVF, and that if its low, they recommend ICSI, which we will do. I have to be honest, it did make me feel better hearing a person with an actual medical degree tell me that and I kinda feel like a total drama queen for freaking out about it when I didn't have all the information... but not about the non-returning phone call though. Grr.

Communication is Key

2009-06-12T10:42:00.003-05:00

So after all the bitching and whining and complaining the last couple of posts, I finally got a phone call this morning. Granted, this was after another voicemail and a call into the receptionists to make sure Nurse D had been in this week, which she had. If I hadn't gotten a phone call, I would have scheduled an appointment with Dr. M and talked to her about everything.

I'm somewhat satisfied with the explanation I've received regarding the strict morph issue and her calling me. According to her, she has been waiting for the Shared Risk people to call her back and let her know what I was approved for. She claims she still hasn't received a call back. I'm kinda mad because she did promise to do everything she could to try and get us approved for IVF alone, and I don't think she did. On top of that, when I called her originally and left her that message, I stated that I had heard from the Shared Risk people and that we had been approved. She acted like she didn't know that. So whatever.

About the strict morph. It sounds like they don't take strict morph into consideration when looking at success rates for IUI. I seriously have a problem with that, but what can I do? She understood exactly what I was asking and concerned with (wasting time and money on IUI's) and told me that we hadn't wasted anything and that they do not consider strict morph an important criteria when doing IUI's (or something like that). Like I said, I think this is total bullshit and kinda want to talk to Dr. M about this to hear it straight from her. I may set up a phone appointment, but don't want to look like I don't trust Nurse D (which... I don't 100%, but don't want to admit that to them, which maybe I should and ask to get a different nurse). Anyway, what's done is done - there isn't a whole lot I can do now - we're definitly moving to IVF and since I really love Dr. M and a lot of the people there, we aren't moving clinics. So I've decided to take all this in stride and just go forward. Being mad won't help anything and won't change what's already happened.

So I'm going to my teach class next Thursday and will get my schedule then. I also will find out how long I'm staying on the BCP and what protocol I'll be on.

You know, on second thought, I am going to try and meet with Dr. M when M can be there... and done! She had a cancellation this afternoon, so off we'll go! After talking with M, he's right - meeting with her and hearing her say that that's the way the clinic operates regarding strict morph will not make me feel any better and will not change our mind about what we're doing, so I'm not even going to bring it up. I am glad that M will be able to talk with Dr. M about IVF though. I've talked with her already and he was unable to be there, but I know he wants to be in the loop with everything, so it'll be good for him and me to have a clear understanding of what exactly we're doing and why. And, Dr. M ALWAYS makes me feel great, so my spirits are lifted already just knowing we'll be meeting with her today.

Still Upset and Getting Mad

2009-06-10T15:18:00.004-05:00

Really mad. After posting about this and seeing if others RE's thought it was a big deal, I find out it kinda is. And it makes me wonder about the success rates we were told about for IUI's (15-20% or something) and if those percentages applied to us. I put a call in to Nurse D asking about the Shared Risk call (she was going to see if she could get them to approve us for the Shared Risk non ICSI) and letting her know that I was upset and wanted to hear again how she thinks the strict morph did or did not affect our chances and if the IUI's were a waste of money and especially now that the cost just went up that we were upset about not knowing about this. And I let her know that I wanted a copy of the SA and for her to please call me back.

That was yesterday at 11:35am.

I haven't heard back from her.

I'm just getting more and more angry about it.

I got the contract from Shared Risk though... the contract for Shared Risk with ICSI for $31,800, so apparently she called them and got the application pushed through and approved. But just decided not to call me back.

I don't know what to do. I'm feeling petty and stubborn and do not want to call them first and want to wait and see how long it takes for them to call me. But, I'm also anxious about all this and feel childish. But I also don't want to be the annoying patient who calls everyday (which - let's face it - I probably am already). Part of me wants to schedule a meeting with Dr. M and get her take on this. I want to know why so many other RE's DO seem to think this is an issue and recommended their patients to move straight to IVF. Here's how it was explained to a few fellow nesties:

"The reason you can't find answers is because this a hotly contested issue. Some REs believe it makes a huge difference while others thinks it makes no difference at all.
I liked how my RE described it. Lower numbers (and ours is 14% and above normal) just mean it might take you longer to get pregnant than some people if you were trying on your own. Considering my highish FSH and age, we don't have the time so we went on to IVF-ICSI right away. "

"We have 1-3% strict morph and we were advised to go straight to IVF. Like PP, my RE said it's like trying to hit the lottery basically. I didn't ovulate on my own but even if I did, out of 85 million, if only 1% are shaped right to fertilize an egg, you have to hope that 1% is also moving good enough to get to the one egg released too. It *can* happen, but it may never happen on it's own."

"Our counts are below 40 million, with 1% morph and motility around 30%. We hit the lottery once, but I miscarried... My Re pretty much told me we had about a 1% chance on our own, maybe 5% with IUI and he thought we'd be wasting our money (especially as we're OOP) if we did anything but IVF with ICSI.
It's definitely contested, but I think if the rest of the numbers aren't stellar, then morph could definitely be the tipping point. Our Re is on the morph matters side
of the equation."

"My DH has a strict morph of 0%. We were told that our chances of conveiving naturally is less than 5%, so we decided to go straight to IVF with ICSI. We are 100% OOP, so we skipped IUIs and went with our best odds. We were very lucky that it worked the first time."

Reading these made me want to cry. I mean I knew that IVF had a better chance of working - duh. And I have gotten pregnant twice - maybe that's why they don't think its a big deal??? The rest of his numbers are fine, so it's not really a problem? Really? And this wouldn't have affected the success rates for the IUI's?

And really - let's say for argument's sake that we were told about the strict morph and just have completely forgotten the entire conversation about it - no one ever brought it up to us again. So all the meetings, all the appointments, trying to figure out what we should do and how it was MY body that was all fucked up - and nobody mentioned this. I didn't even realize that we would HAVE to do ICSI if we went to IVF. I knew it was suggested because it is so much better and blahblahblahICSIisgreatblahblah but I didn't think we would have to because of a problem.

And, they still haven't called. Which, really - I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and being totally dramatic. Fucking call me back. I don't care if I just all of a sudden told you that I didn't know I had PCOS this whole time and am upset - you fucking call. me. back.

Something Good, Something Bad

2009-06-09T10:41:00.004-05:00

Let's start with the bad news. I was told that the SA performed on M February of 2008, was not, in fact, "fine". I am having a hard time remembering the exact conversation about the results, since it happened a year and a half ago, but know that all this time, I've been thinking everything was "fine". It's not. His strict morph is 0.5%. Normal range is 4%. Not the end of the world, but, it seems like it's something that could be pretty big. Big enough that we will not qualify for regular IVF Shared Risk. Instead, we have to pay the $6,000 + extra for the IVF+ICSI Shared Risk plan. I'm SO not happy about this. I just went back and read what I thought of the results from M's SA were back in 2008. I believe the term used was "rock star sperm". Really? I'm trying not to make too big a deal about this (we are moving to IVF - there's not much else we can do), but it's hard. Because we just missed the cutoff for the Shared Risk price increase and would we have done that last IUI knowing about this? And we've been doing all these IUI's thinking that everything with M was fine, when, in reality, it was not. Were they a waste of money? I guess we'll never know. I'm just kinda upset by the whole thing.

I found this out because I talked to Nurse D yesterday and she told me that my genius plan of only doing the regular IVF Shared Risk and then paying for the ICSI as we go ($2,600 each) wouldn't be possible due to the strict morph issue and because of that, how it says we should do ICSI all over my chart. It just keeps getting more and more and more expensive. We have to rerun numbers and try to re-figure this whole thing out.

The good news: We bought our iPhones a month ago. They just came out with a new version and dropped the price on the ones we just bought. By $100 each. So, I'm to go by the AT&T store where we bought them and getting a credit. That's nice. There's some money.

Ugh all this $$ and IVF talk is just making me upset. To top it all off, I can't find the copy of M's SA results that I thought we had. I'd like to put it in our file and look over it myself.

New Plan.

2009-06-08T07:35:00.005-05:00

We are Moving Forward. Oh yes. And while I'm still incredibly anxious and worried and whatnot, I am also excited.

I started birth control pills Friday afternoon. After a 3 hour doctor appointment, in which all my questions were answered (thank you very much Connie - I heart you). I knew going in, and told Connie (u/s tech) that if there were cysts we were moving to IVF and if, by some miracle, there weren't any cysts, we'd do another IUI with injectibles cycle. Lo and behold, there were FIVE huge cysts. I knew they were there - I could almost feel them all. The most I've ever had. I would have been on a break cycle for sure, hoping we got pregnant again, and waiting until CD35 for Provera. So instead, I'm on BCP, moving towards our first IVF. I guess this means we're doing the right thing - all signs pointing to IVF. And it felt really good - everyone at the clinic was so excited for me and confident that this would work. The confidence they had helped boost my own about this.

There is still a lot to do before the actual IVF starts. In any random order I need to get approved for Shared Risk*, take the class, get my protocol, possibly meet again with Dr. M, talk to the financial advisor, and get my nurse D who was not there Friday, up to speed on what we're doing. So yeah. The money freaks me out, as does the possibility of spending all this dough with it not working, but right now.... man I just want to get going. I'm tired of sitting in limbo, waiting for things to happen TO me, as opposed to making things happen FOR me. And IVF is the most aggressive, the best way to get things happening.

M was so funny - he said that with the way we've been doing things financially, it's only right that we do the Shared Risk* and have work the first time rather than pay for them one by one because then we'd probably take like 3 cycles. Oh yeah, and the price went up. Remember how I was just approved in March? The 60 day period has just ended. I'm so mad. I mean, really, what's another $2000, but the clinic didn't raise their prices - the Shared Risk* people did. It's so frustrating, but right on track with the way we love flushing money. They say it includes "more" - like assisted hatching. But I don't need that!! I already talked about it with Dr. M and she said the likelihood of me needing that were very low! How about including ICSI? I sure as hell don't want to spend $2600 extra for that! I'm looking into some credit offers to see if we can get anything with a low interest rate. I'm glad our credit is ok.

And I think I've decided to not really tell anyone about the IVF. I don't know - I feel like I've retreated back into my shell IF-wise a bit. I just feel like we told all these people we have problems, and when we'd talk to them, would tell them where we were in our process... I don't know. Maybe I just feel superstitious about it all and don't want to jinx it by all these people knowing what's happening and that we're spending all this money (or have it to spend - barely). I guess we'll see what happens. I've been very blessed that I don't have a lot of people asking about it - what happening next? where are you? etc.

So that's the big news. We're already trying to cut back drastically and I've been looking everywhere for anything that could help cover these costs. I've got a job fair coming up next week that I'm going to... hopefully I'll be able to find something.

*Oh yes - I almost forgot and wouldn't that have been annoying? Shared Risk is what I call it. Not Attain or whatever bullshit name they came up for it recently. I hate getting corrected by people at the RE's (I know, if I just said it the right way no one would correct me but meh to that) and now I feel all defensive in my head whenever I call it Shared Risk.

So Depressing

2009-06-03T19:29:00.003-05:00

AF is fully here. IUI#5 is a BFFN.

I have some questions about the point of Endom if I started spotting for my period yesterday. Way too early to start considering I'm shoving this shit up myself twice a day and spending money for something that doesn't work. Signs that I should be tested? For something???

So more IVF talk. A spreadsheet to weigh the fiscal pros and cons of doing SharedRisk vs paying for them one by one. And the winner... SharedRisk. Although, I was faced with the realization that their 70% back! really isn't all that great once you factor in the amount you spend on meds and cryo and anesthesia for each cycle. Blech. I feel like crying. No February or March baby for me. Yes, I am assuming I'm going to have a cyst and will be forced on a break cycle. Either that or I'll be starting birth control pills (if I'm lucky).

I'm just so upset about all of this. Onto IVF. For real this time. With no guarantees. How do so many people do this? How do so many people afford this? I know I should be thankful we are able to stretch this, even with me out of work. I know I should be thankful for a lot of things that I'm having a hard time thinking of right now. I know a lot of people have it a lot worse. And have been through a lot worse. I'm trying to think of that right now, to keep myself from being so upset. But when will it be my turn? How long do we sit in limbo? Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting for someone to buy our house. Waiting for someone to hire me.

Just.

Waiting...

Ok. For Real. O.V.E.R.

2009-06-03T16:58:00.002-05:00

I am now starting to spot more heavily with more red color and less brown. So either this is a nightmare-ish 3rd m/c or a for real BFN. God, could I be more pathetic with more detailed play by play of the goings on of my va-jay-jay?

Well....

2009-06-03T12:39:00.002-05:00

Maybe I called it too fast... because nothing else is happening. I mean, I'm still getting some slight spotting, but its all dark brown and I'm not getting anymore bright red. So WTF? According to my nurse, it could be implantation spotting. (huh????) I thought I was way out of the game with that. I mean, I'm 12dpiui. I don't know. She said implantation can take place for up to 8 weeks, and that spotting would be normal. I really don't know what to think here. Part of me thinks she wants me to stay positive and hopeful through the bitter end... (that's the type of person she is - and I'm SO not) but I'm just not sure that I should get and keep my hopes (and M's!!) up for what seems like a super long shot. I do know that I'm not going to be happy spending all this money of the Endom for an impending period. I do know that the soreness of the boobies are less, probably because I didn't take the Endom last night or this morning (shut up I just took it). And I do know that I feel like my period is right around the corner and the spotting is just pre-period spotting. But I'm still going in for my blood test Friday. And if I start my period, full blown period, then I'll stop the Endom.

Le Spotting

2009-06-02T17:26:00.004-05:00

So I am somewhat officially calling IUI#5 a BFN... I'm spotting dark brown with the lovely Endom and when I wipe am getting bright red. So. Yeah. The end. I think I'll have a soda tonight and will be calling the RE tomorrow. Because I'm not supposed to be starting this early, especially not with the addition of the Endom. So we'll see what they say. I'm super bummed. Guess the IVF talk last night seems a lot more real now.

Le Sigh

2009-06-02T14:54:00.003-05:00

For nothing is really happening today. I got a full night's sleep, which was a wonderful surprise. Thanks to M for sleeping out on the couch, little Leinie didn't make much of a peep all night long. Now I just wish it was feasible to move her entire setup into the bedroom with us. Oh well. I just keep thinking that this is practice for a real baby. Getting up all night, feeding and cleaning up poop and pee through the day. Not leaving the house and spending time with the little one. Yeah. Total practice.

Last night M and I had the serious IVF talk. Again. He doesn't like talking about it until the cycle we're on is officially done, and I see his POV, but I'm too much a realist. I need to know what comes next, what our game plan is, just in case. Obviously I want this to work. And I absolutely believe that my third pregnancy will be The One... I just wish I knew when that would happen and what it would be a result of. IUI? IVF? Another break cycle? Anyway, I'm still freaking out about the state of our finances and the lack of employment. It's not like my salary is huge and would make everything a-ok, but it sure would help. Hell, anything would do right about now. I'd take a pay cut or work part-time. I just don't want to be flipping burgers. (My skin is already suffering from all the hormones - I don't think it could take standing in a grease pit all day.)

So far my symptoms are... well... nothing that can't be explained by the Endometr.in. So... there's nothing really to report there. I think when I go in for my beta, I'll ask if it would make sense to run my progesterone as well - I'm curious as to what my levels are on the Endom and want to know if it's helping or a big waste. Of course, I may have missed that boat as I know its supposed to be done on CD21. We'll see.

No other big plans for the week. Terminix guy is coming tomorrow. The highlight of my day. (Not - he totally creeps me out.) Hope everyone else has more fun than me!

10dpIUI

2009-06-01T07:39:00.002-05:00

So here I am at 10 days past IUI, or - 4 days until beta. This weekend I've felt tired and icky (thank you endom.etrin) and still have sore boobs. And that's really about it. So, we'll see.

We picked Leinie up on Friday and so far have had erratic sleep. I've been the one to get up with her mostly - Marc seemed to sleep through some of the initial barks and whines. Last night we both endured long barking and whining. Hopefully she will get past this phase quickly. We took her over to A&J's Saturday where she was overwhelmed and behaved. She slept a lot and basically was a poster child for a laid back dog.

We also found out A&C were 11 weeks pg. I was immediately happy and bummed at the same time. I spent the night getting up with the dog, who was sick, and crying. This is honestly the first time someone else's pregnancy has affected me this way. I cried and cried and basically felt really sorry for myself. And then hated myself for not being happier for them. We were pg (the second time for me) at the same time and then miscarried at the same time back in December. They got pregnant pretty easily and I've been waiting for an announcement from them for a while. I guess I didn't expect the announcement to be so far along. I mean, I felt like we were pretty close before and she said they would share whenever they knew they were pg again.... I feel a little betrayed I guess. I feel like we kind of went through something and we shared all our difficulties with them... I was shocked although I shouldn't have been. I was just struck with the absolute unfairness of it all. And feelings of jealousy that they'll have the first grandchild on that side of the family (although they are step-in laws, so not really but close enough). And then feelings of self-despise-ment for not being a better person and for being so petty. It just rang so true the dream I had about a month or two ago. We're all gathered for Christmas or Thanksgiving and she is very pg and I'm not. And all anyone can talk about is the baby and her pregnancy and it's all I can do to be somewhat happy around them. And in my dream I just want to curl up and die. So with the timing of it all, yeah... I can easily picture this happening. It makes me want to skip the holidays this year. My only hope is that I'll be pregnant too.

Sunday afternoon we went over to my parent's so Leinie could meet their dogs and my family. Again, the poster child of a laid back dog. We got back home and she was pretty playful. I think she just gets overwhelmed. I need to take her to the vet and set up a schedule for her shots and other vaccines and talk about when we can spay her.

So that was my weekend. It'll be nice to get Leinie used to a more set schedule here around the house. The cats are slowly adjusting, I think. They just need more time getting used to her.

Sunday and Monday

2009-05-26T09:50:00.003-05:00

So the Memorial Day party we were supposed to go to was cancelled. Instead we brought the puppy home for a night. Man oh, man. We got like 3 hours of sleep that night and am shocked we didn't get the police called on us for a noise complaint. She screamed. All. night. long. I knew to expect the crying - Marc was shocked by it (the duration the loudness). She had several accidents (although, that's not really fair as she's never been remotely trained to not pee where she sleeps) so we started that, but since she was going back to the other puppies, we couldn't use the public grass that other dogs go on and I'm not sure anything really sunk in as she is back with the rest of the litter and back to "eliminating" wherever she wants. Marc flipped out about the 'accidents' on the carpet, so her new base will be the kitchen. I need to get a gate, as her crate is way too big and she tore down every divider we erected (one didn't come with the crate) or a smaller crate. I don't really want to spend the money on a smaller crate that she'll outgrow quickly though. I need to find out how A and P trained W because he loves his crate.

I've read all about crate training and potty training, and honestly, I'm not sure what we should do. There are so many different ideologies and I'm not really sure which we should adhere to. This is going to be a process. A long process. I've already figured that my schedule is going to have to change, because Marc can't go to work with 3 hours of sleep and function. So. yeah. I see a lot of sleepless nights and naps in my future. At least this will keep me occupied while unemployed and trying to get pregnant.

Let's see... today I am 4dpiui. Nothing to note, really. I still feel rather bloated and have had quite the upset stomach, which I'm guessing is from the endo.metrin.

I've been having vivid, bad dreams the last couple of night. Last night all the people I went to high school with were all hanging out for some type of reunion get together thing and all the girls were pregnant. All. of. them. Except me. I woke up feeling melancholy. My 10 year reunion is this year, so I guess that's where I got the ammunition for the dream. And (thanks to FB) I know several of my old classmates do have children... Ah well. The night before was some nightmare about being chased and having my leg cut off. Not pleasant.

One Week Until Puppy!

2009-05-23T22:12:00.002-05:00

So the cramping has slowed, and gotten better. The endo.metrin is going well, I'm afraid I'm going to forget to take it though. I'll get into the habit though, and should get the hang of it.

The baby shower today was great - I was so happy to see L again. I can't believe so much time had gone by before seeing her. She looked, great, as always, and especially with her being 8 months pregnant. From behind you couldn't even tell she was pg - I know I won't look like that, but a girl can dream... The shower was nice, but awkward for me. I didn't know anyone there and have always been a freak about being around people I don't know. I am totally Social Anxiety when it comes to these kind of things, but today wasn't too bad.

We went out with the G's and R's which was nice... especially the trip to The Choc.olate Bar. Oh yeah. Yum. I picked up a piece of cake to eat at home and ate some ice cream there. YUM.

I'm not sure about tomorrow's plans - I have to say I'm not too disappointed with not hanging out with some of these people. Apparently A is sick and the neighbor I hate had surgery and may be in the hospital... so no big celebration.

And one week from today we should be bringing our new furbaby home! We may bring her over to introduce her to the cats, before the permanent move to helpfully reduce the shock. I'm SO excited about having her home. The cats just have no idea. And she will be a wonderful distraction from the 2ww when it gets really bad at the end.

And, I think I forgot to mention - we had two showings last week! Yay! One was a second showing, so I really hope something comes from it. They seem to be moving pretty slow, as the second showing was 18 days from the first. I don't care - just make an offer!!!!

IUI #5 This Morning

2009-05-22T11:56:00.002-05:00

Everything went well! M had great numbers:

Post Wash:
Count: 81 million/ml
Progression: 3+
Motile %: 90%
Total Motile: 36.4 million
% Recovery: 38%

Honestly, I'm not sure what everything means, as far as the numbers go. I just know pre-wash what they want to see, and he passed, like always. We are so lucky and thankful that I'm the only one who has issues...

Apparently my cervix is easy - it just pops out according to the nurse today. There wasn't any pain - uncomfortableness from the speculum, and a little tickling when they cleaned off the excess cervical mucus, but that's it. Now, at home, I have some slight cramping, but that's to be expected and no big deal.

I also ran into one of our nurses and she gave me a free box of Endo.metrin - yay! Those things are expensive and you're supposed to use them through your tenth week of pregnancy, so I'm glad I got more. They are so cool there - I <3 my clinic.

That's about it - I'm off to watch SYTYCD and hang out on the couch!

News!

2009-05-20T17:16:00.001-05:00

Definitely triggering! 9:30pm! e2 was 677! Yay!

Most Likely Triggering Tonight!

2009-05-20T09:49:00.004-05:00

So I didn't get my lining number this morning (but let's face it - it was so awesome yesterday it probably didn't get worse) (and wow did that sound cocky!) but I am pretty happy because my right ovary looked as if it had exploded. I had one follicle on the right measuring at 17.3mm, and a couple 14's and 13's, with some 11's thrown and a bunch of little ones in there... on the scan it just looked like there were bubbles covering the entire surface of my ovary. Kinda cool. I seriously couldn't count the number as she was measuring them, but she took like 15 pictures. My left one is the brownheaded* step child of the cycle, with the biggest at 15.somethinglow and just one or two smaller. Marc speculated that since in "normal" women ovulation takes turns between ovaries and that it must have been ole rightie's turn. So, since the clinic considers 15 mature (which hummph. I'm still not entirely convinced, although u/s tech made a good argument about how they determine that number through IVF and that 15 IS mature) it looks like I will 99.999% be triggering tonight. I got a cup and everything. I just hope they continue to grow... and be really mature - not just on the cusp.

For shits and giggles I asked what my e2 levels were last cycle when I triggered. They were only 434. That's it! I had one follicle at 16.something and one at 15.something. I'm glad this cycle is different. She did say that higher e2 levels were better. So, that's good... I still can't believe the number for last cycle. No wonder I'm being such a super freak about this one.

Ah well. The joyous part of the morning was being confronted with a baby while waiting for my blood to be drawn. He was probably 2 or 3, and his mom was there for b/w as well. I just kinda got hit with a WTF moment. I mean, she was obviously there for #2, but man. Just right there. Kinda stung a bit. Brought up a little bitterness, I'm not going to lie. Made me feel like a bad person. But, what could she do? It's not her fault she has to bring her kid to the clinic to try and get pg with a second.

I also RSVPed to a baby shower this weekend... I'm super happy for her as it took her A LOT to get pg, but still kinda anxious about it since I would have been only 3 weeks behind her if I hadn't lost the second pregnancy and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about seeing a big ole belly and thinking about what should have been.

And now I'm off to take a bath, as I won't be able to do so in the next couple of weeks (I like HOT baths) and meeting Sarah for lunch at Jake's - yum!

*As I am redheaded, when I was younger I took offense to this saying (now I'm not so offended; I feel sorry for real redheaded step children and everyone always looks at me when they say it, which is weird) so have changed it to make myself happy. Suck on it brunettes.

Cycle Check In

2009-05-19T08:38:00.003-05:00

So this morning was the scan and b/w check. I have 5 measurable follicles; 14, 14, 13, 12, 11... or something like that. My lining is at 11.3 - awesome! She said that I most likely would be coming in daily or almost daily. It all depends on my estrogen levels. So we'll see.. Things are definitely happening in there!

**Edited to add:
e2 levels at 559! Yay! I'm doing another 150iu of Gonal tonight and going in again tomorrow morning. I'm kinda mad because I was under the impression that I would maybe go two more days - to stim for 8 days total, not 7 :( The way it's sounding now, I may be triggering tomorrow for a Friday IUI, which means I'll only have stimmed for 7 days. Which sucks. I'm trying really, really hard not to take this as a bad thing, but I really, really want to go for 8 days. I just have this feeling that it would be better. Stupid, yes. Illogical, yes. Crazy, yes. But will it make me feel better - YES. I may be calling my nurse back. Or maybe I'll just wait until tomorrow and see what they say then. If follicles only grow 2mm per day, then tomorrow they won't be ready anyway. Maybe if I can just coast the 8th night - no meds. I know its stupid but I'm having high anxiety over this - the possibility of triggering tomorrow.

The Weekend Recap

2009-05-18T11:11:00.003-05:00

Had a pretty great weekend. The weather was wonderful (even downright cool!) and we had a lot of fun. Saturday I went to the A.lief job fair, which was horrible. I wish the cool front had come in then, because they didn't turn on the AC all the way, and everyone was sweating. We stood around in lines for 3 hours, I talked to 10 people for like 10 seconds and that was it. It felt very discouraging. I highly doubt I will get a call back from any of the schools I met with. I don't know what to do, other than looking for a job elsewhere, or in some other field.

We went to lunch with A&P and then went over to Alex and Jen's. We swam and hung out with friends*. I wasn't drinking, but it was a lot of fun. Sunday morning, we had an appointment, got there SUPER early (like 7:15 - they didn't even open until 7:30 and usually don't start taking appointments until 8 - whoops! Nurse said it was fine, and she was happy we were there early, but who knows, really). After that, we had breakfast and then saw S.tar T.rek. It was great. The 10:10am showing only cost $10 for the both of us! We'll be doing that again. I couldn't believe how affordable it was. We've been avoiding movie theaters and just waiting for movies to come out and buy them used because $20 for two of us to see a movie seems ridiculous. After that we went home and hung out until it was time for bed.

Overall, a pretty fun weekend, although I am NOT looking forward to next weekend. Memorial Day. We're hanging out with Alex and Jen again, except the newly pregnant (announced she was pg at FOUR WEEKS and has been married for um, 3 months?) neighbor's son and DIL will be there. I hate the neighbors and don't care much for the son and DIL, on top of the fact that they're pregnant. Ugh. Just what I don't want. To hang around THAT. We'll see who else is there and how long we stay. I'm assuming my IUI will be at the end of this week, so no swimming or drinking for me, which sucks. Especially since getting drunk sounds like a lovely way to avoid that nightmare. We'll probably be leaving early that day. I may not be feeling very well.

At the Sunday morning appointment, we only had blood drawn. I didn't make a fuss about it like I kinda wanted to, for which I patted myself on the back. My e2 was 186. I am to continue the 150iu of Gonal and I go back in Tuesday for blood work AND a scan. My boobs have been so painful, I was kinda worried about what was happening with my hormones and figured that if I had high levels of estrogen to make them hurt that I would get over-stimulated and get cancelled (or we would get transferred to IVF). They had an almost burning sensation on the tops of them. Its not so bad this morning, but man was it painful last night. My skin also feels very sensitive. I wonder if it's because of the Gonal...

*There was this other couple there who brought their 1.5 year old daughter - we hadn't seen them since she was pg and don't really know them well. I like them, but really didn't need to hear about how smart we are for waiting until we're older to have kids and how much they change your life (nice assumption there, asshole). She just went on about how hard it was and that she loves her, but... hard work, yapyapyap. I kinda wanted to say something shocking and somewhat rude about our situation but managed to restrain myself. Good for me. Another pat on the back for that.

Ack! Almost forgot...

2009-05-15T16:17:00.004-05:00

I wanted to make sure I charted, or at least recorded everything from this cycle. And on CD 2 when I had the scan and b/w, my lining was 3.3 (good) and my e2 was 62 (also good). I'll make sure to update on Sunday, when I get b/w results back. Apparently they aren't doing a scan, which I'm not happy about. I kinda feel like they're being cheapskates and I'm mad because I'm paying $500 more dollars for an injectibles only cycle, which means more monitoring. And I'm not getting a scan. If I get too many follies that are too big and have to cancel the cycle, I'm gonna be pissed. P-I-S-S-E-D. So we shall see.

Oh, and nothing on the house. We haven't had a showing in forever, we haven't had a single open house and our info box out front has been empty for days. Yeah. And that's all I'll say about that.

Non-Title Title

2009-05-15T09:27:00.004-05:00

Not too much to report here. Today will be day 3 of 150iu of Gonal. So that's fun - no really. I don't mind the shots and, in fact, look forward to them. Because it means I'm doing something and things are progressing. And, really, I only get to feel like this for maybe a week, before the 2ww starts. Yay for the shots. My next appointment is Sunday, where we see where's I'm at. I hung out with my sister this week, which was fun, especially since I don't get to see her very often. There's a job fair Saturday I need to go to, and need to get ready for - oh holy crap - that's tomorrow! Well, I guess I just planned out my day, along with watching Grey's season finale. I hope it's not going to be ruined like The Office. So bittersweet. So sad for myself.

Today was a Big Day

2009-05-12T16:57:00.004-05:00

And I am tired. Marc is bringing me food which makes me very happy.

So it started off with the dermatologist appointment this morning at 10. He seemed really nice and removed one 'abnormal' looking mole to send off and one unsightly skin tag I was SO glad to be rid of. They now hurt, but didn't at the time. So that's good. He also gave me a safe rosecea medicine I can use while pregnant (that the RE even okayed).

I then went to meet and talk with Dr. M, who I love. Talking to her always gives me such hope and optimism. She answers my questions, doesn't mind that I ask them and knows me. Like, doesn't have to look at my chart to know my history and know what I've been through and know who I am. Which means so, so much. She helped clear my worries of:

- other testing that may catch something
- my short LP
- the study I read online about PCOS/early miscarriage rates and Met.formin. (That met would bring down the higher chance of m/c that PCOS girls have.)
- my stimming length of time
- when to go to IVF

It was just really nice to talk to her about things. She gave me a card to the resident therapist and told me if I was feeling especially stressed and frustrated that I should call and see what I think about going to some support groups or talking to her. I know I should think about it, but it's very hard to think that I can do that with the $$ situation the way it is. Realistically, we probably shouldn't even think about moving right now, should fire our maid, shouldn't get a dog, should sell our new iPhones on ebay, and I should start applying for jobs at fast food restaurants. I'm stressed because I just paid medical bills. Which are now even higher.

Back to my talk with Dr. M; I have been tested for everything that is a valid test. My short LP is a concern (which - HA! I knew they never noted that when I told them my period was starting super early after the IUIs) so I am now on Endo.metrin which is fucking expensive. (I know it's nothing like IVF meds, but we aren't at IVF... and I know it could be a lot worse and am glad I respond well to low-ish doses of Gonal.) My concerns about Met and m/c and PCOS is not super valid. Apparently there was a study that tested Met and getting pg with a sub study of m/c rates. And the people on Met who got pg didn't have a lower rate of m/c - in fact it was slightly higher. So, no Met for me, which I'm somewhat happy to hear about given the recent increase in fertility meds I'm taking and the $$. Stimming for a certain length of time... well, as long as it's not short, like 5 days, anything from 7 to 10 days is good. And won't make a big difference if we go 7 instead of 10. So that worry is set aside.

The last is the IVF. She asked what we were thinking about it and that we should start to think about it. (I didn't tell her that we both have had it sitting in the back of our minds since this thing started. We both just automatically subtract $40,000 out of savings and then stress about it. And buying a house and such. STRESS.) She also confirmed some serious doubts. IVF won't help us stay pregnant, it will just get us pregnant faster. Considering I've conceived twice, with no live baby, it is not a pleasant thought that we should pay 5 times more for the same result.

If we don't conceive in this IUI or the next, we will seriously venture into IVF. That's the standard. 3-4 failed inject/IUI cycles says time for IVF. IVF will give us more information. Like egg quality that blood tests aren't picking up on. Or sperm issues that a SA doesn't see. Or fertilization problems. There's all sort of things that could help answer the IF question further. Unfortunately, none of these answers mean anything if we do IVF and get a BFN. I mean, it's not like there's a better treatment out there. IVF is it.

I admitted that I was probably more scared of getting pregnant again than I am of anything else. I would just wait for the other shoe to drop. She told me that she knows that it will happen for me, that I will be pregnant. And it feels so good to have someone tell me with such honest, pure, BELIEF that this will happen for us.

So, onto the rest of my day. I then had a scan and blood work. The scan was awesome. I told the tech that I would seriously probably cry if there was a cyst - I think I freaked her out a little. But - no cysts! This cycle is a go! I'm waiting for my e2 levels back and official instructions that I'm to start the Gonal tonight. The b/w didn't hurt either. Sometimes it just feels like they are stabbing my arm. I got a free box of Endomet.rin which was nice, considering I now know how expensive it is. And I confirmed the order for all the meds I will get tomorrow. And abused my AMEX to the tune of ~$700 for those meds. Ouch!

I am super, retardedly excited to start this cycle, so I can't wait for the phone call and tomorrow's first injection. (Now I just need to worry about using expired meds and if they're still good... god I hope so. I can't imagine that I wasted all that money.) But! Wish me luck on this cycle! And tell me how beautiful our new puppy (getting her end of May/beginning of June) is!

Mother's Day and iPhones

2009-05-11T00:20:00.002-05:00

So Happy Mother's Day* and all that jazz. Yay for moms. Good for you. Thanks especially to the moms in my family for birthing me and my hubs. The end of all that.

So in even more exciting news... iPhones! We has them! We went to the phone store and paid the (gulp) $199 each and have spent the entire weekend with our heads stuck in our phones and apps. And weeee! How do I love it? Let me count the ways... I think I've pretty much sold everyone I've come in contact with on it. They should pay me much for extolling the awesome-ness of the phone. So we've been having lots of fun.

We've officially picked a pup - Blue! We're very excited to officially choose her to be in our family and can't wait for her to come home. I will be on poop duty soon. (Marc does the cats, so I suppose it's only fair that I do the dog, but also fair to point out the daily soon-to-be horse-like poop I will be dealing with.) I hope potty training is easy and fast. So does our still-for-sale-house carpet. Speaking of which, the showings have s..loooo...w...www..eeedddd... big time. We need a miracle this summer. Actually, we need several major ones, so I shouldn't be too specific for what I ask for, since any of the three will do nicely *ahemjobhousebabyahem* but we'd really like them all, if it's not too much to ask. (God, I think something got stuck in my throat/finger knuckles there a second.)

And... last and least, today was the last of the Provera. I really hope that I start my period soon and put all the hormonal nonsense of last week in the past. The s/e's slowly eased off the next day after writing the previous post, and are gone now, so all we need is some crimson tide action. Go Red!

*And I wish an even happier Mother's Day to families who have lost their babies and to those who are trying so desperately to have them. I wish strength onto all of us.

The Never Before Experienced Side Effects of Provera

2009-05-06T11:29:00.006-05:00

Or Holy Hot Flashes, Fatigue and Boob Soreness.

Seriously. I took a pregnancy test this morning, just to be sure (I keep replaying the women from 'I didn't know I was pregnant' in my head who swore they took pregnancy tests that were negative and thinking, well if it happened to them...) And that is utterly retarded. *

But, the side effects! My god, they are a-plenty. I'm flashing during the day (not at night, or at least not enough to wake me up) and not as strongly as when I was on Clomid, but enough to feel 'moist' all over. While in my air-conditioned, fanned house wearing a sports bra, very thin pj pants and undies. (Please don't let anyone knock on my door today! I'd burn their eyes out.) I'm tired but that could be attributed to something else**, and my boobs. My god. My boobs. They hu-uuuuuu-urttttttt. They feel so heavy and they are so sore. I have to say, I'm very surprised I'm responding to the Provera this way this time around. I've never had anything remotely approaching this level of side effect, but I'm feeling it now. Oh well. Only four (!!) more days to go and then hopefully I'll start my period.

*But, apparently, not so retarded. I called in to my clinic and left a message asking them about these side effects and they called back and said that Provera is not known to cause them. She asked if I took a HPT before taking Provera (which - duh - I mean, who wouldn't do that?) and I said yes and one this morning (to which she said good) and that they were both negative. She said that my hormones are probably all screwed up and that my estrogen levels could be high, which is causing me not to start, but giving me these s/e's. I asked her if I haven't started my period by what day should I call back and she said to give it a week. Ugggghhhh... So now this cycle may be all FUBAR. I mean, what the fuck? I just hope my hormones get themselves straightened out so I can have a period and start my cycle.

**Yesterday and Monday Anthony's school was closed due to the Swine flu so I got to watch him all day. Monday we went to Chik.F.A and ate lunch. A played in the jungle gym while I watched and came out to eat when he felt like it. We played at the house and he fell asleep before Jen got home. Yesterday we went to the zoo. From 10 am to 1:45 pm. And it. was. hot. I was worn out from all the walking and the heat. And so was A who was a little cranky when we got back to the house, but overall was awesome both days. And it was the coolest thing ever. Other people thought I was his mom (even though I look nothing like him blond/blue vs red/green). And it kinda felt like this could be me and my kid one day. And that was the coolest feeling ever. It was so encouraging to know that one day I WILL be doing this with my own child. I could just, for a moment, picture it, as I pushed A in his stroller through the zoo and watched him play at CFA. I know I will be a mother soon. My time is soon approaching, and I can't wait.

In other 'mother' news, we are picking out a dog this week. We have to decide between Pink girl and Blue girl, before Saturday. They have people coming over to look at the dogs and don't know if they prefer a gender, and if they want a female, they have to know which one is available. So the hard decision is being thought out. As Marc pointed out there is no wrong answer here. We did a preliminary 'which one do you want' and we came up with different answers, of course.

It's so funny. Since the pups were born both Marc and Amy have liked Pink over Blue. Because I'm obstinate and feel bad for the underdog, I liked Blue better. I felt bad that no one else liked her and that they perceived her to be the "not as cool" dog. Pink would cuddle more and seemed to tolerate more than Blue. But I didn't care. I held Blue and figured out that she didn't like being held like Marc and Amy wanted to hold her - she preferred to sit upright and not be as smothered. We played with them last night, trying to decide. I clipped their toes and Pink seemed more bothered by it than Blue. Pink is the fawn colored one, whereas Blue is more apricot (and, to be honest a little bit uglier - lots of black undercoating, with the red and a blond-ish furry like appearance - not smooth coated; we don't really know what she will look like older when all the puppy undercoating falls out). Marc has pointed out that getting a fawn would be neat because then our dog would look different than Amy's adult ones, the parents, who are both apricot. Pink is also about 8 ounces lighter than Blue, and would probably be a smaller dog. I thought as first-ish time dog owners, a smaller dog would be smarter. (Although, as my friend Sarah pointed out, with a giant breed it's like a 100 story building and a 80 story building - big is big, even if one is slightly smaller.) Both seemed to be playful and come when called (as much as five week old pups do). I'm worried that we'll be making our decision with Pink being a little developmentally behind, because she's so small, and we won't see her true personality before we make a decision. Blue is the one who plays more aggressively with her brothers. Both seem inquisitive and will go check things out outside their comfort zone. Blue follows Amy around. Pink seems more delicate. Both are chewing on things already (of course).

So, in our vote last night, Marc chose Blue and I chose Pink. I thought it out and had all my reasons and Marc went with his gut. One of the other reasons I chose Pink is because that's who I thought Marc would like. Because, all along I've liked Blue and am now wondering if I like her because I felt bad for her in the beginning, and have grown more attached. So I need to play with Pink some more to see. Our coin toss also had Blue winning 2 out of 3. I'm thinking we should narrow down some names and see what we like and who we like for it. Marc still loves Leinenkugal (and calling her Leine; like Line-y, which is not my favorite and think sounds like heinie. I think I like Kimble the best so far, but Marc doesn't love it *sigh*).

So, if you have an opinion, vote! Tell me what to do!

Today is also the great laundry day. Marc wants all of his shirts washed. ALL OF THEM. Some of them have started to have an almost chemically smell that he can't stand, so today, out of the kindness of my heart, I am washing them. This also means that I'll be able to sort them in his closet as I please (mwah-hahahaha). I believe I will sort his work shirts by color (like my side) and then his t-shirts by type (comedy, concert tee, sports) and sub-sort those by color. I have to take all his long sleeved 'dress' shirts to be dry-cleaned as well. Fun day for an unemployed wife!