It's May Day

The first of ten days of Provera.... done! Yay! Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and the day I can upgrade my cell phone - yay! Marc says we can't afford i.Phones for both of us. Well, really either of us. So I don't know what we're going to get.

I'm trying to stay positive about the beginning of something great; a wonderful cycle where I'll get (AND STAY) pregnant. I also need to make a list of things to ask Dr. M. about at our May 12 phone appointment. By then, I will be done with the Provera, and hopefully really, really close to starting my period, and starting all the doctor visits, bloodwork and scans, injections, and obsessing over everything...

*sigh*

So today is the day. (Technically.) It is 1:29am right now, so it's officially May. And officially the day I get my rx for Provera. After this long wait that feels like it has dragged on for forever. And I'm quite sad. I don't want to POAS tomorrow because I know it will be negative and it just breaks my heart knowing that I have to look at a negative pee stick tomorrow morning. It just really, really sucks and I'm already devastated. I know it'll be a step forward in this process that will eventually lead to a baby, but right now it just hurts.





Oh yeah. And I finally pooped tonight.

Way TMI :::warning:::

But...

I can't poop! WTF? I've been eating like shit all week (yesterday fettuccine alfredo for lunch and the leftovers for dinner) today a muffin, mini burger from Sonic, chips and queso and enchiladas, rice and beans, light ice cream (cuz you know I don't need those calories) with hot fudge and a couple twizzlers. Yeah. Am big fatzo. And feel like big fatzo. And yesterday pooped very easily after lunch, then nothing after dinner. It was difficult. I felt last night and feel today like I need to but can't. And I'm taking my wheat grass! That stuff really helps things along. Not since yesterday afternoon unfortunately. *whine* This sucks... I'm not even on any medicines... I want to poooo-ooop... :( I need to eat better. That may help. But come on wheat grass! Work your intestinal magic!

I bought my baby aspirin and scared the shit out of a nurse (let's call her S) over at the clinic. I called and basically bombarded her with questions (only four, really) and now I have another and I really want to call her again and scare her again. I'm evil heeheehee...
The first: I was wondering if my luteal phase was short because after the med. cycles, I never make it to beta - I always start the period 3-4 days early. So, short LP. I thought that may account for something? Apparently not since its medicated... hmm.. will possibly post and ask to get other expert opinions...
Second: I wanted to have it marked in my chart that I would like to stim for longer this cycle than the last. A "low and slow" approach. I was told that they start me at one unit (75ius) and that is low. So, there you go. Humph. I will then be requesting that I stay low when they bump me up.
The third: What do they look for before testing for the Beta-3 integrin? Except I totally murdered what it's actually called (I called it the endometrial intigin 3 biopsy) and she told me she had no idea what that was. I think she could have figured it out but she said she was new there, so wasn't really sure and that I should ask Dr. M when I talk to her (which - see below).
The fourth: If I could take baby aspirin. I've asked before and told I didn't really need to. Come to find out (from this nurse - not my normal who I don't really like - we'll call her D) that it's SOP for IVF patients and that it wouldn't really hurt, which is what I thought this whole time!!! I'm SO mad! I mean, hello? One of my proteins that affect clotting was slightly elevated! What could it hurt? Could it possibly, even in the littlest, slightest bit help? Then, ok! Let me do it! It's freaking aspirin for fuck's sake! Fucking cow.

I want to call tomorrow and ask her (S) if they test my progesterone with CD3 b/w and during stims, or if they ever have. Because I wonder if I have low progesterone levels. And I want to ask her (new or not) because she's so nice while my regular nurse is out of town. She (D) just makes me feel like my questions are stupid but dammit! I want to be educated. And if they are stupid, then explain it and I won't bother you. Don't just blow me off. Ugh. Anyway, she suggested I set up an appointment with Dr. M. because it sounded like I had a lot of questions about my treatment plan. So I set one up. For MAY 12. That is the first time she is available to talk to me! I can't believe it! Hopefully I'll be near CD3 anyway, so...

I know I go through spurts where I drive them all crazy up there with all my calls and questions, and I know that most of them are stupid because I start scaring myself into thinking I may possibly have a low this or have a defective that. I just am scared. I really don't want to go to IVF and discover something new wrong. I don't want another loss before we get more tests. I just want to know, now. And I know its unreasonable to test me for every fucking thing under the sun, but you know what? I don't care. I think part of it is that I found this super cool website (thanks TTTC boards) that explains hormone levels on the CD they're taken and what it all means! Hallelujah! So now, I'll know exactly how "within normal range" I am. Out of the dark! No more talking over my head for some of this stuff! Now I want to test it out, lol. And use it to help develop new anxiety.

And damn. This will be my second post of the day. Fuck. I tried to keep today's short and non-ramble-y. Guess I fail.

Man

I was reading over my last posts and wow. I sure do ramble. I mean as I'm reading, I realize I basically spew whatever thought pops into my head out onto this blog, but I didn't realize how ramble-y and jump-y and all over the place I was. I understand it, but I suppose I'm used to that kind of chaos in my head.

So I'll keep this uncharacteristically short. I'm going to buy baby aspirin today after reading all the great benefits concerning IF. I'm going to try and stop worrying that I have a uterus that fights being pregnant and not call and demand more testing (like the integrin 3 biopsy). I'm doing laundry. And that is all.

I went to UsRBabies today;

I deserve a medal.
Please give it to me now.

Thank you.


Yes, I went to baby heaven and saw pregnant people, newborns and all sorts of other babies. I saw mothers/grandmas shopping with their daughters/new mommies and baby. I saw significant others' shopping with pregnant others. I saw baby furniture and bedding and strollers and swings and slings (oh my!). And the tiniest little stripe-y socks ever.

And I didn't cry. (Which, my god, I realize how fucking sappy that must make me now. I used to never cry. Now I cry all the time, or at least well up.) And I didn't glare. And I kept my bitter, resentful, infertile self to a minimum in my head. And I melted a little. I saw a beautiful crib on sale and wanted to buy it and then go stick in our storage unit and not feel that guilty when I explained the credit card charge because Marc? He would indulge me my craziness.

Which is what I probably wouldn't have done anyway, though SIL was with me. (Because she would have thought I had TOTALLY gone off my rocker if I had pulled that shit with her.) But it did keep me from calling Marc and explaining the beauty of THIS. CRIB. RIGHT. HERE. and SALE!!! to which he would have been pretty shocked and speechless at me wanting to buy a crib.

And I have a confession. I snuck another pee. I know, I know, I know... I haven't been sleeping well. I constantly think about it and its that damn last pregnancy's fault. I just lie/lay awake thinking about it. And I just have to know. I just have to. It's like I need to prepare myself for something bad, because honestly, either way? Would bring issues. I mean, if negative (which it was and will be for this break cycle - duh) I am so sad. So, so sad. So bummed. So broken. But then I have a plan for next cycle. And if positive,

I mean just typing the possibility of it had me sitting here speechless. But the insane worry and stress and preparation of it being bad, but the hope that its not and the joy of just actually being and... oh my god. Either way, total roller coaster. So I have this need to know and prepare myself. For my period. Or for the number.

I swear, for someone with losses, sometimes the thought of being pregnant is scarier than the fear of not being pregnant at all.

And now I need to take a break from my own head and escape into TV, the boards, Sudoku or my book.

Do you think

I can become a follower to my own blog? I could be the first :)

Oh yeah... approx 22 minutes until CD 31... which is only 3 days until CD 35. I'll actually be calling the clinic this week! Yea!

I'm also planning a trip to Huntsville to visit my sister. Maybe Wednesday. That should be fun. I found out today that my car's inspection sticker expired in February. I blame Marc as he is responsible for car stuff. He claims that is not in his area, and I should be a responsible adult and take care of it on my own. Buh wah??? Respo..? huh? So tomorrow I suppose I'll be going to take care of that before I get a ticket.

In other car news, I've been looking at SUV's and crossovers and etc. at Carmax. You know, because we'll soon need it when I'm knocked up with the very least twins, but most likely triplets and have our huge dog. Then we'll have to trade to a van or something equally attractive and 'family-with-the-hugest-dog-ever friendly'. And won't that be sweet. lol. I am actually excited about getting a bigger car - as a close to six foot tall woman, I like the leg room and being slightly higher off the ground. I've wanted one for a while, but couldn't afford one when I bought my car and now love the gas mileage on my little Honda. But that is just another thing I am looking forward to in my new life, when we have a baby, a new house and a dog. Ah, limbo just rocks.

Oh yeah, and also? I applied for a job as a local, nation-wide pharmacy store manager two weeks ago. Yeah. I have a business degree and customer service skills. That would qualify me, right? Yet I have yet to hear back... so embarrassing. So I applied again. That'll get me hired, right?

I'm tired. And feeling pretty meh, as the tone to this post can attest.

Six Days...

until Provera! We're babysitting the puppies tonight while SIL goes to a party. I've decided to add a picture of just how cute these puppies will be when they get a little older, because I don't think many people know about mastiffs. I mean, look how freaking cute that puppy is! Adorable!! This is just a generic mastiff puppy - I'm not sure on the age.

We just got back from Costco and eating Freebirds, and man am I full. Ugh. So full. I ate way too much. And I've been super moody and hormonal and have been having incredibly vivid dreams. I keep hoping this means that AF is on her way, without Provera, but I doubt it. Today also marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. I know some people have been coming out on Facebook, but there is no way I would do that. Not that I'm ashamed of my infertility, but I just don't want people I barely know knowing that much about me. I am a member of Resolve on Facebook, so people can go see that about me, but it's pretty passive and doesn't really invite conversation. And I'm kinda mad, because there's been something I was wanting to post about, but it has completely slipped my mind. How annoying!!

MIL Visit - Check

So the MIL is gone. She was here for a short while and now she has left. As a result, the past week has flown by and I am gearing up for the weekend (and by gearing up I mean sitting here wondering how it's the weekend already).

I have a little secret. And it's just so stupid. SO STUPID. I keep yelling that at myself because I feel the need to berate myself for doing this... I peed. On a Stick. Last night. OMFG how dumb am I? Let me count the ways... I mean, it's just ridiculous.

1 - It's a break cycle, which mean the chance of something... so low... there are no meds!
2 - Even if I were, it is way too early!! Today is CD 28. Which means I should be starting my period today. Which means, if I listen to those commercials, I shouldn't be taking a HPT until 5 days AFTER my missed period. So yesterday? Not the right time.

I mean duh. I am most shamed by this. Of course it was negative. At least it was only a $1 test. No more testing until next Friday. I just keep hoping I'll get AF so I don't have to worry about taking Provera. That would be the best* thing ever!

This weekend we're going to my parents for the birthdays. Like I mentioned in my previous post there have been 3 birthdays in 2 days in my family. One of those was my SIL, which is why my MIL came into town. The other two were my dad and brother (on the same day). So this weekend, we're getting together for that and my mom's birthday, which is next weekend. My entire family (mom, dad, bro, sis) all have birthdays within less than one month of each other. Mine is the lone outlier. I suppose we'll get together for my sister's birthday and Mother's (barf) Day soon.

*Well, obviously not THE best, but we're working on the not-pregnant assumption

The past couple of days

Not a whole lot has been happening... I'm counting down the days until CD 35 (10 days from now - whoopee!), fluctuating between being super excited about the puppy and freaking out about the storage situation and celebrating birthdays.

We're on a break cycle, which means I'm drinking. There have been three family birthdays in the matter of 2 days. So yea! Happy B-day and all that. So Sunday night I go out with my SIL and a couple other people. Marc hits the first bar with us, then goes home (like an intelligent person). We continue on. Now, I have not gone out in a while. A long while. Needless to say, my tolerance for the alcohol is pretty low. So when I continue drinking on an empty stomach (SO smart, I am) it is no shock that I end up drunk. It is a shock that I am so sick the next day, I couldn't keep anything down before 1:00 pm. This was yesterday. Today I'm feeling better. THANK GOD. I'm glad I got that out of my system, because I have a feeling its going to be a long time before I do that again - hopefully not until 2010. It's likely that another break cycle will result in me going to a bar, although not being as crazy.

Marc's mom is coming in town tomorrow, so I planned to spend the day cleaning and re-hydrating myself. Just taking it easy and making sure I'm 100% and feeling normal. I decide that I can put off cleaning the house until tomorrow (the day she gets here), because 1) I am lazy and 2) I didn't feel like cleaning and 3) I wanted to make Marc feel a little bad because I think he's been slacking on his part of the chore situation around here (which makes me feel bad, because I'm unemployed, so taking care of the house IS my job... while he's at work all day making, you know, real money to support us) and I knew that if I were cleaning in front of him he'd feel bad. But it's HARD to clean up someone else's (adult) mess every day.

So procrastination. This - I am good at. Did some grocery shopping and what not and had a wonderful day feeling better. Until I got a phone call for a house showing. They wanted to see the house in less than an hour. ARGGGH. So I busted ass and cleaned the hell out of my house.

I realize the irony of bitching about a showing (which really I'm not - I'm more bitching at the timing) when I'm freaked that we won't sell it. And I realize that if I really wanted to bitch about timing, the showing would have been yesterday when I felt like complete and utter shite. But you know. It was still a PITA. But at least my house is clean for MIL and I don't have to clean it tomorrow.

Today a thought struck me... its one I've had for a while, although not necessarily in this context. So I was thinking - when will I have learned? I grew up with a religious upbringing, and part of me still thinks that somehow, God is trying to teach me something. That God won't let me get (and stay - a very important distinction) pregnant, that I still have something to discover, to prove to... something. I don't really know. And I don't even believe it, this grown-up "Catholic school girl guilt" if you know what I mean. Some way for me to rationalize why I haven't been able to get/stay pregnant. That I won't be blessed with a child until - fill in the blank. And, rationally, I know this is a load of shit, this imaginary test I must pass to be good enough to be a mother, but I still catch myself thinking it sometimes.

And, so not to end on such a serious note - the puppies are opening their eyes! It's so cute. They're finally starting to stand a little and and getting bigger and bigger. I can't wait until they're older and even cuter. Right now, it doesn't look like we'll be bringing home a puppy until the beginning of June, so there's some relief there, but I'm still feeling the pressure to sell this house.

All Anxiety All the Time

So after reading back my last entry, I realize how neurotic I've been. Because now, I have a whole new set of worries. We are getting a puppy. This is something I've dreamed about for years. I've wanted to move and get a house with a yard so we could have a dog since... um, well... spring of 2006. Seriously. So the fact that we are now getting a puppy has me excited beyond belief.

So I've been researching and trying to see what we need for a puppy and dog and now I'm starting to freak out a little bit. We're getting a mastiff. We haven't had a showing in over a week. We bought a crate. We have nowhere to put it. We bought some puppy food. We have nowhere to put a puppy's bowl. We have nowhere to put the cats food so the dog won't get it. We are stuck in this house. Cue anxiety. I need someone to buy our house NOW. Before, we were pretty laissez-faire about selling the house. That was before. Now, we need to get rid of it and in a new house with a yard and more space.

When I bought the crate, it barely fit into my car. Now, we plan on taking the dog with us when we go to San Antonio, and taking the fold-able crate for the dog while we're there. Or, if not that, taking the dog to my parents' so they can watch it - but also taking the crate for her to sleep in. So how in God's name are we going to take us, the crate and the dog in our cars? Anywhere? In either of them?? Cue panic. We were planning on getting an SUV when we had a baby. Well... now I'm thinking we should get a SUV ASAP.

And after reading the last post about anxiousness of where we would move - well, I'm still worried about that, but now I'm MUCH more worried about actually selling this damn house and being able to move. After so much time wanting to move... it makes me mad we didn't list our house earlier. I should have demanded it. But someone wanted to wait. I brought it up to the point of nagging. And was put off for excuse after excuse. And now the market is shit and we don't have room for our dog and we're never going to sell and we won't be able to go anywhere.

**deep breaths**

It will all work out. We will be fine. Soon I'll be sitting in my new house, pregnant or with my baby, husband and dog, with a wonderful job freaking out about something else. Limbo will be over. And this will be a distant memory.

PS - and also - we so didn't score another break cycle BFP. I can just feel it. Counting down the days to Provera time.

"You Can Drink Now, Right?"

Yes, unfortunately. So nothing really happening on the IF front. Still in the middle of a break cycle. Still trying to make the best of the break cycle. Doing the procreation dance every other day to up our chances. Taking (worthless) OPK sticks every morning. And having (TMI) a whole SHITLOAD of CM. I mean, dripping down my leg lot. Seems really weird to me. I've never had this happen before. And its obviously not fertile CM, because of the drippiness and non-egg-white-ness- feeling. So, I wonder what it means. Must be an overabundance of some hormone or something right? Maybe from all the procreation dancing (I'm testing this phrase to see if I like it or if it sounds a little... gai).

In other news... Puppies! Were! Born! Euchre had 7 puppies; 5 boys (hmmph) and 2 girls. Since Amy, Marc and I are all partial to girl dogs, we were a little saddened (well, me and Amy especially, since I think Marc was feeling defensive about his gender there) about all the boys. But they're here! And they are all healthy and doing great! Euchre isa great mom, cleaning them and being super protective of them and feeding them. Marc and I were there for the births of the last 6 (we just missed the first born) and I actually caught the 7th as it was coming out of her (she was standing up and I didn't want it to fall on the floor). Overall, the birthing process went from 1:30pm to 8:30pm, which is pretty normal. Marc and I are struggling over names right now. I've got a list going of the ones we like, but girl names are so much harder than boy names. We seriously have over ten boy names we like. But very few we both like for girls. We'll find something though.

I've applied to a school district to teach in and am working on applying to more. I didn't realize the application process would require a writing sample about you had a success story with a child (thanks KISD for that load of shite) so its taking some time. Job fairs should be coming up soon. I'm super nervous about the prospect of teaching, but know that I NEED a job! Especially for when we sell the house and then are making mortgage payments on a more expensive one. Eek!

Speaking of the house, we seem to have a couple of interested parties, but no offers. The outside was just painted, so that's nice... all we need now are some offers!! Of course, my big fear now is that we'll have no idea where to move to once the house is sold and we'll have to make some big decisions quickly. Of course, if all this could happen in time for the puppy to come home (to the new house) that would be GREAT. So we don't have to worry about a puppy in the house we're trying to sell.

Temper Tantrum Over

So yesterday I threw a bit of a fit. I was pissed and upset. Today I feel... better. Not quite so angry. I mean, it still SUCKS, but a forced break is a part of IF life. I felt a ton better after talking to Marc yesterday. We looked at what we did the last break cycle when we got pregnant and are going to do everything we can to have that happen again. Starting on cycle day 10, I'm going to take OPK tests and we're going to have sex every other day for a week or two. I really just cannot imagine that my body would ovulate on a break cycle again, but we're going to try. So, although we aren't really doing anything, it still feels like we're taking control of what we can. And that makes me feel better.

To me, it's incredibly weird that we are in the same pattern as before. Pregnancy, miscarriage, negative IUI, break cycle. There are several big differences, of course, but... it's pretty interesting. I can only hope that the pattern continues in the same fashion for just one more step. And only one more step.

I also put my finger on what I dislike about the nurse I'm assigned to. I feel like she doesn't really know me and my situation. I know her IVF patients require more time and I'm sure she tries harder with them... but I still feel like she should try to get to know me more. (Whenever I talk to Dr. M I feel like she knows me and cares. And I know she has a hell of a lot more patients than the stupid nurse.) This whole process is so personal and intimate - yet with her, I get platitudes and she talks to me in a very fake way. She says that she's "bummed for us because we on a break and oooh man!" in her high pitched fake voice that she normally doesn't talk to people with. When she's serious she talks normally... half the time I don't believe a word she's saying she feels. And I hate that she drums the 'be positive!' 'everything's going to be good!' into me and makes me feel bad when I don't feel that way. Marc brought up the point that she has to be positive or people would complain... I just don't want to be browbeat-ed into feeling that way when I don't. I think I should be allowed to feel down and defeated once in a while. Ugh. I just hate her. The sooner I get pregnant and graduate and don't have to deal with her the better.

Maybe I should ask to be reassigned. But I'm not doing IVF so I feel bad, which, in turn angers me. Most people not doing IVF don't get assigned a nurse, which is stupid to me - everyone should have an assigned nurse. If they're going to offer other ARTs then they should treat everyone the same - not like some stepchildren because we aren't ready for IVF and possibly can't afford it. (I also have a huge problem with clinics charging regular people so much money for all of this and then giving insurance companies discounts - what's that about anyway? pisses me off....)

Anyway, I don't really know what I'm going to do about this. I guess I'll stay with her until something really pisses me off. I got kinda snipy with her yesterday on the phone. I made it clear that I didn't like the blood test, even though I knew why they had to do it. It doesn't feel like she listens to me (or even likes me). Before I could even say that I knew why they had to do it, she was telling me and kind of arguing with me about it. When I was agreeing with her! I basically took some of my bad mood out on her, but overall was just very upset. She didn't help at all. Not that I feel too bad about it - I didn't appreciate the false tones she was talking to me in and she didn't try to make me feel better about anything. AARGGHHH.. Ok. I'm just done talking about this. We'll see what happens. I know she has a good IUI success rate. I'm not going to do anything for now.

So Fucking Pissed

I'm just so goddamned pissed and upset right now. I just got back from the RE's. I started my period Friday, so I knew this cycle was a bust. So I was thinking, ok we'll just do a cycle day 3 scan for cysts. And, of course, I have cysts. Two big fat cysts on my right ovary. I know they're "normal" but what the fuck ever. Like I care. So we're on a forced break cycle. Yip-ee. To add insult to injury, they insisted on doing a HCG test anyway. Because all those negative pee sticks, and, I don't know, the presence of my PERIOD mean nothing apparently. And it hurt. And they can all go take a flying leap. Fuck them all. I'm just so goddamned pissed off at the world right now.

I know I technically could have had a chemical pregnancy, and I know they want to make absolutely sure I'm not pg, but really? I started my period rather early. So, no. Not likely a chem pg. And if it was, do they really think I want to know that? That my period was actually a m/c? Yes, that would be quite lovely. Miscarriage number 3. And, if I am pregnant, what are the chances that I'm actually going to stay pregnant? I just had the heaviest fucking bleeding - seriously, soaking through super tampons in two hours - so you know; great sign for a healthy pregnancy.

To top it all off, this weekend was my first estimated delivery date. So, if things hadn't gotten all FUBAR with my first pregnancy, we could have a baby right now. Isn't that thrilling to know.

I seriously just can't be happy about anything or for anyone right now. It's not fair. All these recent pregnancy announcements on the board are making me sad. And then I feel like a horrible person for being so jealous and miserable.

I could have handled (and did) a negative pg test. A negative cycle. But this forced break I can't. Because last time we were on a forced break I got pg. So now, my hopes (and even more sadly, Marc's) are going to be ridiculously high... when they shouldn't be, because that pregnancy was SUCH a fluke. I know my body doesn't work that way. And when it doesn't work and I'm not pregnant 35 days later and have to start Provera... it's just going to be a lot harder. For both of us.

May 1. 35 days later I'll test so I can start Provera. Just to get a period. May 1 before we get to start doing anything again. It feels so far away.

Yeah so forget everything I wrote in that last post

because I started my period last night.

Yeah.

So that feeling different thing? Not so much different as in about to start my period. Which, really... not so different. And it hur-ts and is heavy. funfunfun

A Confession

So I've been testing. Since 8dpiui. All negative. Today is 11dpiui and it's still negative. I really thought this cycle had done something - I just felt different. I know that sounds strange, but... man. I know there's still time, and that it still could have worked and that I've been testing way too early, but I just thought it would be nice if it were positive early. Oh well.

Marc saw one in the trash and asked why I tested. I gave him an excuse, because, I honestly don't know what to say to explain my actions. They're just dollar store tests. What's the big deal? I suppose he's right.

By different, I mean, that I've had super sensitive boobs all throughout (which I've been told is nothing) that I only had when I was pregnant the first time and is a symptom I thought would come back when I was pg again. My boobs feel heavier and larger and just... sore. Taking them out of a bra - man. Totally crazy. I've also been tired early, something that only happened when I was pg. I have had trouble sleeping. Vivid dreams. I was super bloated the first week (probably until 7 or 8 dpiui) and then lately I've had weird cramps. Sometimes it feels like I'm about to start my period, sometimes its just weird twinges and stuff. Actually, I guess I should say I've had that throughout the 2ww.

Maybe its just my body getting re-acclimated to all this again. All the meds and hormones. I told Marc the other night that if this worked it would be like a freaking miracle. To get pg 3 times out of 4 iuis? Man. (Granted, one of those was a break cycle and doesn't really count as a pg by iui, but still.) I told him that I wasn't expecting this first cycle back to work and that it would be like we were easing back into things and this was just a warm up. A practice run, you might say. I also told him the percentages were against us with this stuff, so he should not be surprised when it doesn't work and should be surprised when it does. I'm just being logical. He said I should be more positive. (I really wanted to remind him of the conversation we had after the 2nd m/c - he (or anyone else) doesn't get to tell me how to feel about all of this.)

I'm also afraid that by not getting a positive test yet, that means there isn't a lot of HCG in my system, which means that IF I am pg, my beta will be low. And that sucks. Because the last time I had a low beta I miscarried. And I had a negative test the Saturday night before the Monday beta. So yeah. But so, a negative test this morning. We only have a couple more days. I hope, if it is negative that AF just shows up so I don't have to get a stupid blood test.

What a Good Post

So I read this and decided to copy and link to the article because it brought me to tears and was just dead on. And is something I wish all my friends and family would read lol.

How to be Good Friends with an Infertile
I have quite a few ‘normal’ friends (i.e. not infertile) who read this blog. (I am so far out the closet it is frightening, even my brother and ex flirts read this blog). Imagine how confusing most of the lingo must be for them. Anyhow. Back to the point of this post. One of those friends said to me “I wish you would write about how to be a good friend to an infertile person”. Which is really sweet of her and shows she has already passed one of the requirements. So I started thinking about writing a post on this and realized what a hard task this is. How do you become a Good Friend to an Infertile?

Firstly, I have to say that this being a Good Friend to an Infertile is not an easy job at all. It is a job with fluid parameters, a thankless job sometimes and one where it might appear that no matter how hard you try, you never seem to get it right. There are times when you will be extremely busy and the job is very demanding. There are other times where you will benched, forced to sit on the outside looking in. There is not often any logic in this change of demand. Be aware of the volatility of work pressure when applying for this job. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.
Secondly, there is not a universal job description, and worst of all, your job duties will change over time. There is not a universal job description because Infertiles come in different flavors. True, one can categorize these flavors to some extent, but variations will always exist. Your eternal optimist / newbie / completely uninvolved infertile doesn’t need too much in the way of special friendship; they believe the problem is temporary and will get resolved soon. They don’t feel broken, different or an outcast. Your longer term / highly involved infertile is a very tricky beast, and is one to be handled with great caution and protective gloves (for you, not her). This person feels alienated from society and carries great pain and angst in their souls. They might not show it all the time, but there is a very sensitive, raw spot in their souls that is easily bruised. Then you get the older timers, who’ve been doing this so long it just becomes part of who they are. These infertiles have gone through the great angst and intense pain of the ‘dark years’ and have come out realizing that while infertility is shit, it is not all consuming. And instead of crying, they laugh. Because infertility is actually a comedy of errors, sometimes.
Infertiles tend to move through these stages at different pace. Which makes it very hard being a Good Friend to an Infertile, because the type of friendship involved is so different at each stage. It is very very hard being a Good Friend to someone stuck in the dark stage of infertility. It is a very painful place for an infertile to be. There is no hope, just a great deep dark sense of despair. You feel totally alienated from the rest of the world and you are consumed by your situation. Every thing hurts, and every thing has the power to hurt you. Your world shrinks to the world of infertility and you fight tooth and nail to protect the fragile hold you have on sanity. The best advice I can give to a Good Friend at this stage is to offer friendship and support, from a distance. Say things like “I am here for you if you want to talk, or not talk, or drink, or swear, or shop. But if you don’t want to that’s perfectly ok. I’ll be here waiting for you when YOU are ready to come out the cave”. If you can bear it, hang in there, your friendship should return to some semblance of its previous form once your Infertile has worked her way through her dark despair. It has nothing to do with you or you ability to friend, it has every thing to do with her coping with the horrible reality of her situation. Being a Good Friend to the eternal optimist or the good-humored veteran is a lot easier, with these few survival tips.

1. Good Friends never judge. Remember that unless
you’ve walked in the person’s shoes, you can’t say “well I would never….do IVF/terminate a pg/spend so much money on ART etc” To be honest, who likes judgmental people any way.
2. Good Friends will educate themselves about what their Infertile is going through. HUGE proviso: see point 3 before putting any thing into action. Read up about infertility so that you get a high-level understanding of the intricacies involved. Know little things like eggs are retrieved, then fertilized and they become embryos. Then the embryos are put back. Just small things so that when your infertile does share some of her world with you, you will understand. I think this shows commitment to the friendship.
3. However. Do not willy nilly offer advice, or hot off the press latest research about a fantastic new procedure that is sure to work. Remember the stuff they write about in your local woman’s magazine is stuff that your Infertile did in Infertility 101. Been there, failed that. ICSI is not a new procedure, I promise. And yes, we have heard of taking cough syrup to increase cervical mucous. Oh, and for my Aunt, yes I have heard of lying with my legs in the air after having sex. Unfortunately, I have PCOS and don’t ovulate so I could be lying with my legs in the air doing bicycle movements till the cows come home and all the sperm are going to do is mill around confused asking where the fuck the egg is, bemoaning the fact that this has been a useless trip out and they might as well have had a wank. Which goes back to Point 2. Educate yourself about your friend’s diagnosis so that you can avoid offering pointless advice.
And please, what ever you do, never, ever be so stupid as to say “just relax”. Would you say to a cancer patient “just relax”? Would you say to someone who can’t see “just relax”? Of course you wouldn’t. Plus you have to know that “just relaxing” will not change the medical diagnosis that is causing your friends infertility. Because of course you’ve done enough reading to carry on an intelligent conversation, if your Infertile decides to engage you in one.
4. Platitudes. Never ever offer platitudes. This is a totally selfish act any way because all platitudes do is make you feel better and the Infertile feel worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly stupid thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin etc”. Infertility is a medical condition. Not some factor in the universe’s bigger plan for the Infertile. Similar to “its God will”. How the fuck do you know? You have a direct connection or what? How about “are you sure you want kids?” lovingly looking at your own screaming kids. No dear, I am spending thousands and enduring physical, emotional and mental anguish just because I am obscenely stupid. Or “you can have mine”. Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke? Call me stupid. In addition, please don’t tell me about your friend/cousin/co-worker who got pg naturally after 8 years of trying. It doesn’t make me feel better, it depresses me. Good for her. It’s got nothing to do with my situation.
5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.
6. The level of involvement. Infertiles differ in the level of involvement they engage their Good Friends in. Some, like me, are pretty open about the whole thing. Every Friend and their Mother knows when I am going in for ER, ET or whatever. Other people prefer to keep their infertility private. Find out what your Infertile prefers and operate at the level she feels comfortable with.
7. Which brings to me to my final point. If you don’t know how to act, ask. I love that my friends ask me how I want them to act around me. They also know that if they ask the question “how is it going with your treatment” I will either tell them or I will say “irritating, I don’t want to talk about it now”. They totally respect that and don’t push. I have great friends.

There have been many articles written on the web about what to say and not to say to an Infertile, how the family should act etc. I wont go into those. If you are a Good Friend you will have done a little surfing and read those things anyway. Besides, this post is already way too long.
To end off, if you decide to accept the job of Good Friend to an Infertile, I applaud you. Because it is not an easy job. It really isn’t. As I have said, it’s a pretty thankless job and one in which your job description is so fluid that what is required today is wrong tomorrow. I thank those of my Good Friends who have stuck around so long with me. I know it hasn’t been easy. I appreciate your friendship, I really do.

Weird Dreams

So San Antonio was great. We didn't really do anything fun - watched movies both nights and generally didn't do anything. I had vivid dreams one night that funnily enough was very similar to one George had, which was funny. We ate great (like always) thanks to George.

So last night I had a weird dream about starting my period. :( So I guess we'll see what happens there. My boobs have already gotten less tender (I think it was the trigger that caused the sore boobies side effect in the first place - I was just hoping that some real sore boobie symptom would take its place). Anyway, so there's nothing new to report. I am 8dpiui today. I'm going to be running to the dollar store later to pick up some pee sticks, although I may wait to so I don't get tempted to pee early. I know knowing really won't make a difference in anything. But you know. Knowing would mean I would know. Ah, now I'm just talking in circles.

In other news, we got accepted into the Attain program! Whoo-hoo! So if we decide to spend $23,400 for 3 IVF and 3 FET cycles, we can. Well, I guess with a guarantee of 70% back if it doesn't work. We have 60 days to accept or not. I think we'll do a couple more IUI's before we do IVF. So we may need to re-apply later. But at least all the tests are done so if we want to or need to convert a cycle to IVF we can.

March the 18th

We had a showing! And they were interested! And we had a Realtor call Amy who said that she had a client who was interested (she saw the house last week)! So yay for all the interest on the house!

Today and tomorrow is when the implantation should occur, if there be any fertilized anythings to implant. We'll see. So the cleaning for the house this morning was light. And I haven't exerted myself and I plan on doing nothing but sitting on my ass all the live long rest of the day. And possibly tomorrow.

The BLOAT

Oh. My. God. I feel like I've gained 20 pounds. All in my stomach. The bloat is unbelievable. I'm still taking the wheat grass, but today it doesn't seem to be doing much, like it has in the past week or so. I just sit here, hoping to fart and burp to try to get rid of some of this.

And, after that lovely intro - Happy St. Patrick's Day! I plan on going up to Sherlock's with the gang today, so that's exciting. I know its so not what I "should" do while trying to get pregnant and spending lots of money to get pregnant, but I plan on drinking tonight. I just don't think its going to make a difference in whether or not I get and stay pregnant. I mean, the last two pregnancies, I was so good. I didn't drink any alcohol, much less caffeine, etc. I drank a ton of water. I ate healthier. And none of it did any good. So right now - I'm not going to stress about it. What happens will happen, whether I drink today or not. Whether I have a soda today. Or not. What I do today will not have much impact on whether I get pg (within certain limits, of course). So I plan on having a good time. I'm not going to get drunk, I'm not going to get crazy. But, I'm going to have a good time hanging out with friends. Last night, today, tonight or tomorrow morning, the sperm should fertilize the egg. I got worried this morning after reading about a WTF appointment from someone who did IVF with a negative result who said that her eggs may not have been fully mature because she stimmed so fast - under 8 days. Well, I only stimmed for 7 days, so now I'm a little worried that my eggs weren't mature enough. Oh well. I'll guess we'll see. Wednesday or Thursday should be implantation day. I just keep visualizing whats going on in there to hopefully get my body and the spermies to cooperate. Hopefully, the luck of the Irish will be with me! Fertilize egg! Fertilize!

IUI #4 This Morning

And now I am tired. Everything went well. The nurse who did the IUI said I was "easy" because the IUI was easy to do on me. Apparently, I'm very "open" down there and it was easy to get everything in. Well, gee! They sure know how to flatter a girl! Afterward I made a trip to Costco and then the grocery store. The maids were at the house (yay for a clean house) so I hung out with Amy and Ponch and had lunch with them. By the time I got home, I was super tired and bloated as hell. The prescibed sexy time happened, but I was freaked out that what happened last time (the horrible, horrible waves of pain through my abdomen) would happen again, so I was careful and, thankfully, nothing happened. So now we wait. Although the goal right now is to just get pregnant, I'm kinda freaked about it and worried about staying pregnant. But, one step at a time. First I just need to get pregnant.