NEWS

So I am just finishing my period. Which started exactly one month from the D&C. Which was weird. And we got test results back. The karotyping was normal for both of us. I have to go back in so they can retest for the protein c and s - one was elevated and the other was not able to be run in the lab due to the lab fucking the sample up. Whatever. However, I am positive for the MTHFR gene mutation. After a little bit of research, and another phone call to the clinic and even more research, I now know that I have the heterozygous for A1298C mutation. Which is the least serious form of the mutation possible. All I have to do is take 5 times the normal amount of folic acid to make sure I am getting the right amount. As for the the protein c... well I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. It's a clotting factor, so I hope that the only thing I'd have to do to fix it is take some baby aspirin, if needed. To be honest, I'm tempted to take the baby aspirin anyway, as I don't see as to how it could hurt anything.


In other news, the contractors are here! And they're fixing the house! And it looks good! And it will be done by the end of the week! Whoo-hoo!

And I have a test on Friday - the Generalist 4-8 Texes test that I have to pass if I want to teach grades 4 through 8. Or, 5 through 8 really, because I passed the EC-4 test... but semantics. So I'm supposed to be studying this week for the test on Friday. And I really haven't studied all that much. But I plan on it. I was never much of a good student.

Goodbye 2008; You Mother Fucking Whore. I HATE You

And hello there 2009! How are you doing? Feeling nice and generous? Anything you need, you just let me know. I am HERE for YOU.

So, let's see... 2008 ended with a nice bout of complete and total suckiness. I ended up needing the D&C - yay surgery! I forgot that anesthesia makes me hurl so there was that. (So noted, not to be forgotten again.) But, the bleeding was non existent by that Sunday, thus ending the pad wearing days I had grown accustomed to after 6 weeks of it. The surgery was exactly one week before Christmas.

We went to the clinic Monday to get blood work and after waiting an hour, we were finally able to do that. It makes me laugh when they don't know why you're there. I mean, just look in my chart, people! Dr. M said she wrote a note about how we were coming in for blood work for karyotyping today. No, I'm not having any problems and please PLEASE do not do a scan. I have a feeling my bits are still a bit sensitive. I also hated when Dr. M couldn't do my D&C and Dr. C had to. I don't like him as much and Marc says I act differently around him. He's the one who tried to push us into IVF after the first cycle was cancelled. Pfft. Yeah. We showed him. Anyway, so all my follow ups were with him. So they took the blood. Now the wait for the testing.

I took a pregnancy test after the blood work and appointment, just to see how my HCG levels were. It was negative! I couldn't believe it. (Continued story after the inescapable Xmas recap)

For Christmas, we hosted Chili and Shrimp party and had a lot of fun with my siblings and family. Amy and Ponch were sick, so they didn't stay long. We went over to Aunt Laura's Christmas day and the drove to SA with Cody in tow. We had fun and I think Cody and Matt got along well. We saw Amanda and Chris and found out that they lost their baby as well. Cody and I got sick from allergies to cedar which was pretty brutal. We went back home Sunday.

(ahem) So I was hoping for good things went I went in Dec. 31. And the nicest thing happened (I think it was 2009's influence on the bitch who knew she was going down, 2008). My scan showed a normal uterine lining (shocking!). I had a follicle on my right ovary that was measuring 10.3mm and my uterus was empty!!! And, they did more blood work for the rest of the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) panel, and tested to see what my HCG levels were. See, they couldn't send off the blood work for the RPL panel if the HCG level was positive. So I was hoping that they were 0. And... they were 1.5, which they counted as negative, which means all the blood they took (seriously, like 9 vials) can be sent off and the testing can start. And, that means I'm no longer officially, technically pregnant!!! Dr. C said that waiting for your levels can drop can be like a 6 week process, especially when they're high, like mine (hello - 8,234). So now we wait for test results, which I'm already nervous about, but at least will hopefully (??? should I 'hope' something is wrong without feeling horribly guilty like I want something to have killed our babies?) explain why our babies have not survived. Or not. And I'm just the most unlucky bitch ever. I guess I should say we. But you know. My body. I think I can claim majority of unluckiness.

Needless to say, that was the best thing that had happened in this whole mother fucking mess. And, like I said, I think it was 2009's influence. Rock on with your bad ass self, 2009. I loves you already.

We spent NYE over at Alexifer's playing Halo. It was fun and low key. I wasn't really into celebrating the end of 08, so it seemed an apropos way to end it. Now we just wait for test results. And live life as best we can without trying to get pregnant. I start my classes on the 8th and I'm hoping that will be a good distraction. I also am applying to substitute teach so I can get some experience before actually trying to get a teaching job. We'll see how that goes. :) Its nice to have something distracting to look forward to. And, we have people scheduled to come and fix our house! Whoopee! Which means it'll be back on the market in no time. And this time, we aren't playing around. We're cutting the price and just getting rid of this bitch. And buying a house. A beautiful house. Scary, with me not having a job, but it'll work out because...

I'll get a job. Also, scary, but imperative.

So here's a big fuck off to you 2008. Fuck you for the miscarriage in July, the layoff in August, our house not selling all goddamn summer, Marc's grandparents dying, the hurricane causing damage to our house in September, the second non-viable pregnancy, with following fun ending with a D&C...

And hello, you beautiful thing you. Hello 2009.

Complete and Total FAIL

Apparently, my body wants to stay pregnant. Very badly. See the following:

Monday: Scan. Fetal tissue present. Cytotec (misoprostol) administered. Bleeding ensues.

Tuesday: Scan. Residual tissue remains. Dialated cervix at RE to stimulate things.

Wednesday: Scan. Residual tissue remaims. Dialated cervix at RE in an attempt to pass the tissue in the office. Cytotec administered. 

And... so far nothing. Here's what I'm seeing in my future: 

Thursday: Scan. Residual tissue remains. D&C scheduled and performed. 

THE END OF THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE. 

So, as you can see, I not only fail at sometimes getting pregnant, but completely fail at staying pregnant (hopefully this is not permanent) and now, fail at miscarrying a baby! And I have the honor of being the first patient of Dr. McKenzie's who has ever needed two doses of Cytotec (and possibly only the third or fourth patient in the practice). And, if I need a D&C I will be the first person in the entire practice who has needed two doses of Cytotec and a D&C. 

So I fail. My RE kinda put it off as a good thing and that in the future my body will hang on to a 'good' pregnancy. We'll see about that, as my track record isn't so good. 

Heartbreak Daily

It's been one week since we found out that the baby does not have a heartbeat and is no longer growing.

7 (almost 8) whole days of depression, heartbreak, tears, anxiousness and failure. Of numbness, gut-wrenching sobbing, anger, disbelief and guilt. Of walking around with the knowledge that my baby died. Again. Of pain so great I don't want to and can't really sleep. So great that I can't bear to be around anything that reminds me of babies and pregnancy.

It's been 9 days since we heard from Marc's step sister that they're expecting. She's due two weeks after I would have been. I had a dream about seeing her last night and how I tried to get out of it and everybody thought that I was being selfish and rude because I wasn't happy for her. But I just couldn't. It just hurt so bad.

In one week I have another doctor's appointment to check on the progress of things. The bleeding has slowed a lot the last couple of days. If I don't know better I would be ecstatic. But I do know better and it feels like the universe is just laughing at me. Because all I want now is for this to be over. I don't want a dead baby in my uterus anymore. I walk around thinking about the dead baby in my body. What's going to happen? Will I have to have a D&C? I'm tired of recognizing the few pregnancy symptoms I'm still feeling and being reminded that, once again, my body has failed to be able to carry, sustain and grow life. Once again, I have failed at the basic function that makes me a woman.

I see pregnant people and babies daily. I cry daily. I try my hardest to ignore that area of my life. I do my best not to think of the mess my life and body is in. I spend my days doing everything I can from being bored and thinking of this thing that has become my life. This pain that is my life.

Marc and I were talking the other day about how 2008 was not a good year for us. Marc's grandparents died. I got laid off. Our house was listed for 6 months with no offers and few showings. We spent thousands on fertility treatments. And we have two dead babies. I hope I miscarry before the end of the year. Somehow I don't think my doctors will let it last that long, but I suppose you never know.

I told Marc that the next pregnancy, I do not want to be told to 'be positive'. I don't want to hear anything about how I should be excited. I don't want to be admonished for being practical, even if that practicality is negative. I don't want anyone telling me how I should or should not feel when the time comes, because I don't want to hear it. I'll decide how I feel, since obviously, being happy and positive has done nothing for me thus far. I'll feel what I want when I want, because I already know that there is nothing more scary than being pregnant.

I'll take a little bit of good right about now...

I called the RE yesterday after all the bleeding that went on this weekend. I wasn't trying to get seen early, I just wanted to know if they were expecting the bleeding to slow down at all (since it had gotten worse) and if I were to miscarry, if there would want the tissue to do any genetic testing on. I want to make sure that if I did miscarry, that it wouldn't be either me or Marc's genetic faults. Or the combination of the two. I know its rare, but it does happen. Well, she wanted me to come in and be looked at, which I was. And everything looked fine. The baby is still there, and they don't see a source of the bleeding. The baby is also growing, so that is also good. I was really hoping to see a heartbeat at this u/s, but we didn't. We scheduled a scan for next Monday and if we don't see a heartbeat then, she's going to call it as an unviable pregnancy. My dates also changed. According to everything I've looked at and entered into the internet, I am, today, 6w3d. Last Wednesday when I went in, she told me I was 5w5d. Yesterday (Monday) I was 6w4d, according to the RE. WTF? That doesn't make any sense. I can't just be more days pregnant than I am. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. But, I'm not the expert, so whatevs. And if it means the baby is measuring ahead, well, I don't think that's anything to complain about. And I've come to a conclusion about the bleeding. I'm not going to worry about it. It's gross. It smells gross. But there's nothing I can do. And apparently I'm just one of those unlucky 15% who bleed while pregnant. At least this time around. So that's what I think about that. And, to top it off, I woke up this morning with no blood. How the hell that happened, I don't know, but I'm taking only good things from it. And I'm not stupid enough to believe that this means its all over, but for now, I'm happy. Baby steps.

First Ultrasound and more

So my first ultrasound was Wednesday. Still bleeding. One beautiful egg sac there. In the right spot. Not ectopic. Not molar. I know this baby is strong and a fighter. But dear god I think I'm just losing it. All day Wednesday I was so happy. Exuberant. Dr. McKenzie said that 15% of pregnancies bleed and that it doesn't have to be a problem. The ultrasound didn't show any bleeding around the sac, which was the important part. As long as the bleeding doesn't affect the baby and it wasn't. Wednesday was the best day. We got to see our baby. It just made it so much more real. Not like last time when I miscarried without ever getting to see it. I made it to exactly six weeks last time. Tomorrow I'll be six weeks.

Today I can barely keep from crying. All right, I guess I should say I can't stop crying. Woke up to that feeling. The feeling of a warm sticky fluid between my legs. Which means that its getting worse. It hasn't before crossed that barrier while I'm horizontal. I'm expecting a lot of blood today. And I'm freaking out. I know my baby is strong, I just hope its strong enough. And I know I can't DO anything. It's just a waiting game from here on out. But how much longer can I bleed? Why is my body betraying me this way? Where is all this blood coming from anyway? Why won't it stop? How much longer can it go on without hurting my baby? I'm just so scared. So, so scared. I want it so badly.

And, worst of all, Marc's scared. He's really freaking out, too. And there's nothing I can do but keep him updated. At least he doesn't have to see and smell all the blood. But I know he's preparing himself for the worst. And it breaks my heart that I can't do this the right way for him. For our miracle, break cycle baby.

All I can do is be hopeful, as much as that may break my heart later. And pray that the bleeding stops. And pray that this baby makes it. And that his heart starts beating. Come on baby, I have faith in you.

Camping!

This weekend was the annual "family" camping trip. This year it happened to be at Buescher State Park. It was a lot of fun and got very cold Saturday night - low of 32. We froze our patooties off!

But, I suppose the bigger news is that I'm supposedly pregnant. I don't really believe that I am or that it will last. But I havev a blood test proving me otherwise, at least for today. I go in for a scan on Wednesday to see what we see. It was a break cycle for us, as we were gearing up for IVF #1 to start. I took a HPT Friday morning so I could get a prescription of Provera and get the IVF show on the road. I was shocked to see that it was positive and convinced that it was a false positive. I called in to the RE's and was able to get in for a blood test, which confirmed the HPT. My beta was 8,234. A huge, huge number. Gi-normous. Made me feel really good. Except that I'm still spotting. And its red spotting. And that sometimes I see it in my underwear. Actually, I've been seeing it in my underwear for about 4 days now. And always when I wipe. It started off being dark brown, but it turned to red. And its been happening for over a week. And today I have some mild cramping/back pain to go along with it. Let's see... now why would that make me nervous? Oh yeah:

Symptoms of a miscarriage include:
- Vaginal bleeding that may be light or heavy, constant or irregular. Although
bleeding is often the first sign of a miscarriage, first-trimester bleeding may also occur with a normal pregnancy. But bleeding with pain is a sign that miscarriage is more likely.
- Pain. You may have pelvic cramps, abdominal pain, or a persistent, dull ache in your lower back. Pain may start a few hours to several days after bleeding has begun.

Thank you SO much WebMD. That helps tremendously.

It's really hard to believe that there's anything good going on. I find myself getting hopeful. Fuck, I know I have hope for this pregnancy, but I just can't push away the doubts. And it scares me beyond anything else. Because why would this happen? Why would I be able to conceive without any medicine when I couldn't conceive, much less ovualte on medicine before? It just seems cruel to let me get pregnant again and then take it away from me. And I can't help but think that's going to happen. I mean, how else do I prepare myself for the possibility of losing another one?

But what I must repeat as my mantra: TODAY I am pregnant. I must believe that I will carry a healthy baby to term. I must believe that miracles do happen and that I have seen one in my own life.

Oh Happy Day!

I am so excited. We have a new president, President Obama. I am so relieved, excited and cannot wait for him to take office.

My New Favorite Acronym

So there are a lot of things I hate about IF. Part of those things are the acronyms associated with bodily functions. Especially AF. Aunt Flo. It's weird and I hate it. But today I was reading a blog. And my period will now be referred to as FP or MFP. As in Fucking Period or My Fucking Period. Sounds so much better. I don't need something that requires sticking cotton wads up in my junk to be named after a relative. My Fucking Period sounds a lot more like what it really is.

So. My impending IVF. I'm so excited for it to start. This is my proposed, please-god-please-let-this-happen plan. That only myself really knows about. Well, kinda the RE's office, but probably not as specifically. And I don't really know everything that will happen, I just have timing guesses. So I start Provera. I get MFP. I have the hysteroscopy. It's clear and I re-apply for Shared Risk. It's approved. I start BCP and stay on them for 21 days. During those 21 days I do all the classes and whatever I need to do to get ready for the actual IVF. Then I start stimming, etc, etc (other meds and stuff I'm not super clear on except that I'll have to do PIO shots which freak the bajeebies out of me)... egg retrieval, lots and lots of good eggs, high fertilization percentage, great embryos, transfer beautiful, high grade embryos (with leftovers to freeze) and then STAY pregnant! With super high beta numbers! So there's no worry! Seems easy to me!

SICK of being sick

I made it back from Wisconsin without getting sick. One day in Houston and BAM! sore throat, stuffy nose, coughing - just MUCUS everywhere. I can't breathe. It hit me in a day and I felt horrible. I'm on the mend, but still coughing and gagging and all stopped up. I guess its a good thing we aren't on a cycle right now or else I wouldn't be able to take anything and I don't know what I'd do. Probably die.

Marc's out of town so here I sit blogging with candles lit, my kitties near me and Monday Night Football on. What the hell is wrong with me? Watching football when it's two teams I don't care about and Marc's not here.

Today I was accepted into the ACT alternative certification program. Yay! Classes start in January and until then I have my book and can read ahead if I want. I'm already signed up to take the TExES Content exam next week. The program people say that if I pass that I can get a probationary certificate and start teaching before classes even start! How cool would that be? I'm also planning on getting ESL certified. I need something to give me an edge against all those fresh out of college bitches. And here in Texas, ESL certified teachers are high in demand.

I'm also a leetle bit excited because today is cycle day 17. Which is pretty much halfway to day 35. Which is when I can start the Provera and get this cycle going! I'm so nervous and apprehensive about moving to IVF. All the new meds, the new procedures with IV's, all the hope and heart that will be going into this cycle. And the money! To say the least!

This weekend we hung out with our good friends who we haven't seen in a while. Our best friends were there with their 2 year old. He is just the most adorable thing ever. And I was his favorite that night. I know it was just for that night and babies are finicky, but it just made me feel so good. Especially on the same night when I had people looking at me with question marks in their eyes when I pulled out the Jack Daniels and fixed myself a drink. And when Marc's coworker texted that she had just had her baby.

I've been feeling pretty emotional lately and had myself a good cry the other day after listening to my IF theme song So Hard by The Dixie Chicks.

It felt like a given
Something a woman is born to do
A natural ambition
See a reflection of me and you
And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it

The lyrics that apply to IF and the words that I feel so closely. The words that I mean to say to Marc every cycle but can't. But still feel. How do others cope with the guilt?

And since the mood of this post has turned pretty somber, I'm going to end it. No point in bringing my make believe readers down.

Long time coming

I've been busy. Very busy. Vacationing and all tends to bring out the busy-ness. Even for the unemployed.

So the last IUI did not work, which should be no surprise to anyone. I started my period VERY early this time. Two weeks from my IUI would have been Wednesday, Oct 15. I was scheduled for my beta on the 14th. I started spotting Friday the 10th and had full blown AF by Saturday. And, to this day, I'm still spotting. Oh, yes. It was heavy and clot-ty. My theory that my uterus was contracting still holds. I was sore the entire rest of the week and have banned myself and Marc to pelvic rest to make sure this doesn't happen again. My paranoia is also up after this. Like I was meant to get pg with that IUI but for some reason my body said no. Bastard uterus. I don't really feel like there's an alternative explanation.

I went in on Monday to see if I could get another IUI in, even with my vacation from the 15th to the 20th. They would have let me, but lo and behold I had cysts. So, I'm now on a break cycle. Whoo-hoo. The next day I went in and spoke to Dr. McKenzie about IVF. Marc did not go with me (which resulted in a huge fight that evening) but we have decided to move forward with it. It will be EXPENSIVE. We applied for Shared Risk, but was told that we need another test before we are approved or not. So, as soon as I get my period, I'm going to call early and request a hysteroscopy, which will basically take a look around my ute and make sure there are no cysts or fibroids there. If there are, I will have to undergo surgery to have them removed. If its clear, which I'm praying it will be, we re-apply and wait to hear back from IntegraMed to see if we're approved. Then starts the fun stuff...

I'm quite ready to get this show on the road. I hope and figure that I'll have the ER and ET in between Christmas and New Years. We'll see what happens.

So, as I mentioned before, we also just got back from vacation! We went to Door County Wisconsin to a sweet B&B in Sister Bay for a while. It was awesome. We happened to be there during the Fall (Down Drunk) Fest, so there was plenty to do. We got to see a lighthouse, go to a vineyard and overall, just relax. We also got to do lots of shopping! It was a blast. Since our return Monday, I've been doing laundry and stocking up on groceries.

Today is also me and Marc's 3rd Anniversary. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have found my husband, who is the best person I know. I cannot wait to start a family with him and to grow and love him for many years to come. I love you, baby. Thank you for the past three wonderful years, for standing by my side and being there for me when I needed you, when I wanted you and even when I took advantage of you and behaved like a spoiled brat. Thank you for overlooking my flaws and loving me with them. Thank you for understanding me.

IUI, Pain and Hospital, Oh My!

So I had my IUI last Wednesday. It was pretty uneventful, except for some pretty bad cramping right after that lasted throughout the day. When I woke up the next day the cramps were mostly gone. Except for a weird feeling in the pelvic area and random strange twinges. But no big deal, right? Until last night when Marc and I had sexy time. As soon as I came, I had immediate, intense, searing, pains. I don't even know what they were. Just horrible, horrible pain that spanned from ovary to ovary, from above my belly button all the way down. It came in waves and was so bad I would cry. It was seriously like nothing I've ever experienced. Marc freaked. We ended up in the Emergency Room after a phone call into the nurse at HIVF, who was no help. After two and a half hours the pain finally stopped coming as frequently and the waves stopped. They tried to get blood from me at the hospital, but missed, and then left it for later. Fortunately, I was able to escape the blood work as I was ordered to go to get an ultrasound. They didn't find anything that would explain the pain, and all they offered was pain medicine. Considering the pain was better, I denied the meds. I am holding out hope that whatever happened to me has no effect on the IUI. I am hoping and praying. Fervently. I still have no explanation as to what happened to me or why. I still have pain and am moving slowly, but it is nowhere near where it was. I can live with this. I've confined myself to my bed and am hoping that the pain I'm feeling now is just residual muscle ache from all the pain from last night and that staying in bed will help keep things in place.

On top of all that, I feel like the world is against me getting pregnant. This time I took the Sudafed and Claritin while taking Gonal, which possibly wasted some of the effectiveness of the Gonal. Then, I develop a bad eye infection. I had to go on eye antibiotics. And my allergies are going crazy (which led to the eye infection). And I can't take anything. Now this. The last IUI ended in miscarriage, after a staph infection on the outer lip of my vagina immediately following the IUI. And, when I tested negative for that IUI, I took allergy medicine, when really, I was pregnant. A big no-no.

I seriously can't help but wonder what could be next. Either way this IUI goes, I don't think it will be a positive outcome. And I hate being negative. But after all of this...

I am so very stupid

I took Sudafed and Claritin this morning. My allergies are really bad from all the water damage in the house and I couldn't sleep and my eye was hurting SO bad. Well, I feel better now, but am kicking my own ass. I called the RE AFTER taking the meds to find out that no, I am not supposed to take any of those meds while taking Gonal because the medicine in decongestants interfere with the Gonal. So that basically means I flushed $$ down the toilet. That basically means I could have totally ruined this cycle. And now, I am concerned that the Sudafed I took right before finding out I was pregnant could have caused the miscarriage. I took a test and it was negative before I took the meds, but who knows?

I'm upset because I just feel so stupid. Even Marc knew better than this. I am intelligence personified.

Where to Start?

So it's been a month since I've last blogged. Wow. So much has happened. I got laid off August 27. Yeah. I had a feeling about it, but was hoping I'd survive. Nope. Unfortunately not.

The good thing is that it now gives me the opportunity to try something else. More specifically, teaching. I'm going to get an alternative teaching certification so I can become a kindergarten teacher. I figure that the scheduling and vacation teachers get are perfect for raising a baby. I thought about it and realized that as much as I loved aspects of my job, I wasn't willing to give up hours of time with our child and having the same schedule they/he/she/it would would allow me to be home when they get home and be more involved with their life. If I hate it, I have something else to fall back on, so it's pretty cool. I wouldn't make a ton of money but I'd have great hours.

The contract on the house is up, so the house is no longer on the market. And me not having a job means that its going to stay that way. Which sucks. But I figure we can sit on it for another year or so. :( I'm working on getting a job as a teacher's aide while getting certified, but that pays less than half of what I used to make. At least it would be SOMETHING until I got a teaching job, but.... no house, yard, etc really sucks. I really wanted to settle into a house. Be able to paint and decorate a baby's room, knowing that we'd be staying and not have to worry about having to sell the house.

Also, Ike. Yes, I live in Houston and got to experience all the joys that a hurricane brings. Downed trees, no power, horrible traffic. Fun. Water damage to the house... which thankfully is no longer for sale. We're still waiting for an insurance adjuster to come out and asses the damage. We're hoping they'll have someone they recommend to fix it all. We're estimating ~$30,000 worth of damage.

And, I started Provera, started my period, was cleared of any pre-med cysts and am now on CD 6. I have done 3 nights of 75iu of Gonal only to find that my estrogen today was 44. Oh yeah. Major growth happening there. Not. So I'm now on 150iu nightly. I just ordered $500 worth of meds. Yea! We got a free 450iu pen, which, it turns out is a huge blessing. I hope my body starts responding the way its supposed to to this medicine. Clomid didn't do much, but at least that was only $10. And the Clomid/injectible cycle was $500 less at the clinic. So yeah. Totally hoping the 150iu really works.

I guess that's about all there is. I'm trying to stay busy and not bored, and also trying not to spend money. Not fun.

Happy Birthday!

Yay for birthdays! It is my 27th. Hip-hip-hooray!

Since the Miscarriage

I came across a post on the Nest - Pregnancy Loss board yesterday. Flame-proof Confessions. I thought of a confession and decided to post. I though of several confessions. I haven't actually taken the time to sort out my feelings since the miscarriage and will expound on the already long confessions I made on the board. I'm glad I had the opportunity to think of these things and share them, because I hadn't quite identified them and think its a healthy step in healing. And it actually made me think of how much this affected me. I'm good at blocking things, and this is definitely one of those things.

Confession #1
- I refuse to go to a friends' baby shower in a couple of weeks because I am avoiding pg people, babies and baby things. I don't feel bad about it either. And there's no way in hell I'm going to a Babies R Us right now. This is her second baby in two years. First of all, she shouldn't have a shower, IMO. Secondly, the invite shouldn't ask for gifts. Tacky. And, to be perfectly, 100% honest, I'm kinda bothered that Marc is going. I would never tell him that, but I am.

Confession #2
- I am shopping a LOT. Retail therapy, right? Stupid because we are TTTC and OOP and injections cost a lot. Feel guilty about that, yet bought a pair of shoes yesterday at lunch. Bought stuff on sale at Ulta today. I've recently bought things at Chico's, Soma, the Gap, Marshall's, TJ Maxx, Ulta (times 3), and eBay. I bought three bags off of eBay. Marc is gonna shit. And I know there's more that I can't even think of right now. And it's my birthday tomorrow and I know I'll be getting presents and yet I still go out and spend all this money. Stoo-pid

Confession #3
- I'm glad I can drink soda again. I really missed it when I was, for an oh-so-short time pregnant. Now I relish every soda I can get. And now I have a chance to lose some weight before getting pg. I'm really just trying to eat better, and less. I hope it starts making a difference. (Because it hasn't YET - dammit I want instantaneous results!)

Confession #4
- I kinda knew when I got pg that the pg wasn't going to happen - it felt unreal and I just knew the timing was off and it wasn't going to happen this time. I feel totally guilty about that, even though I know the m/c wasn't my fault. *

Confession #5
- I hate pg people who are so happy about their pregnancies and just assuming everything will just come up roses for them. I just feel like they think they're so special. And they are. And I'm not. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't know everyone's journey. I just want to yell at them that not everybody has it so easy in getting and staying pg. Bitches.

So there we go. Issues I'm dealing with. Ugh...

*And I swear I'm physic or something. I just knew about the pregnancy. The timing just didn't feel right. And I kept waiting for something bad to happen. And sure, most people will say that's normal pregnancy paranoia, and maybe it was but I've had other things happen too. Last week I wrote my friend a letter. I suddenly had a very strong urge to write him. I just knew I had to, for whatever reason. He wrote me back saying that that very day he was involved in a life-threatening incident. And all my life I've always known that I would meet the man I would marry when I was 22, get married when I was 24 and have a baby when I was 28. And, so far, that's been accurate. And when I was in Moscow a guy asked to read me and asked me if there were psychics in my family because for whatever reason I was blocking him and that usually meant I had some physic-ness in me. He told my friend she would have a difficult pregnancy, but would end up with two boys. She got pregnant in Moscow, had a difficult pregnancy, and has a little boy. Anyway, you can think I'm crazy or not, but I've always had strong instincts and feelings about things. So I believe it.

Beta #7 Today

What a great way to start the day. Hopefully the number will be 0. I really think it will be. I don't feel pregnant at all and am actually starting to get some energy back. I stay up later but am having trouble falling asleep - my brain won't shut up. My sleep schedule is all out of whack. But I more or less feel like I've gotten over being somewhat sick. It's amazing because I haven't really felt this way in a long time what with all the meds and shit I've been on. Going back to all of that is going to be difficult. I don't think most people know how hard all of this is on your body, physically and mentally - I sure underestimated it (and I haven't even had IVF, which is just so much MORE).

And just as a side rant - they should really put the type of blood work you're getting done on the paperwork. I don't need someone to be excited for me because I'm getting an HCG test. I know I'm not pregnant. I've already miscarried. Thanks anyway.

As it turned out I had to come in to work yesterday. TS Edouard was a dud. We got some rain, but the sun actually came out for a little bit yesterday afternoon. Sorry, but tropical storms are supposed to bring more than that. I've been in a horrible mood since. I don't know why (well, I know why I was in a horrible mood yesterday - having to come in and all, while Marc stayed home (butI have to give him credit - he knew how I was feeling and made me dinner and did the dishes and let me watch all my reality TV without complaint and I was still bitchy. But I stopped and got him ice cream on the way home to try and make up for it)) but I really have no reason for it today, yet here I am resentful and bitter and just downright cranky (and I keep having these weird dreams where things in my life are just horrible and things aren't happening right and there's just this sense of frustration and unfairness - gee - that's hard to figure out - but it leaves me feeling the residuals of it when I wake up and feel miserable and angry).

I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be talked to. I just want to sleep and watch TV and read my book (which is really good). I don't want to be at work, yet I can't take off. I seriously cannot wait for the October vacation. And yet, if I'm not pregnant then, I'll be so depressed. I would have been 17 weeks then. And it's weird because I can't even really imagine being pregnant now. And I can't imagine being pregnant without being seriously freaked and worried. How do you enjoy a pregnancy? How do you not worry that something is going to happen? I don't know that I can be happy again looking at a positive pregnancy test. Knowing that actually having a positive test is just the tiny-est first step and that so much can go horribly wrong. That the 2ww is nothing compared to waiting for beta numbers, especially when they aren't "normal".

I just don't know how to do all of this again.

A Post About Nothing

Well, I guess not nothing... TS Edouard is heading straight for Houston, which means we should be able to work from home tomorrow. Marc is all set for it. I'm getting set for it (hopefully). Work is slow. And I almost fucked something up. I swear to god... Thank god Jeff checked in on me. How embarassing though.

Insurance and IF

More companies should be like these. Click to follow the link to conceive online's 2008 top 50 companies with If and adoption benefits.

http://www.conceiveonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=202&Itemid=147

Barely Pregnant

So my last beta (July 29) was 11. Which means I'm almost done. Thank god. I couldn't be happier that this happened naturally and is almost over. I'm still sad about everything, but at least there's not any lingering worries and we can move on.