For nothing is really happening today. I got a full night's sleep, which was a wonderful surprise. Thanks to M for sleeping out on the couch, little Leinie didn't make much of a peep all night long. Now I just wish it was feasible to move her entire setup into the bedroom with us. Oh well. I just keep thinking that this is practice for a real baby. Getting up all night, feeding and cleaning up poop and pee through the day. Not leaving the house and spending time with the little one. Yeah. Total practice.
Last night M and I had the serious IVF talk. Again. He doesn't like talking about it until the cycle we're on is officially done, and I see his POV, but I'm too much a realist. I need to know what comes next, what our game plan is, just in case. Obviously I want this to work. And I absolutely believe that my third pregnancy will be The One... I just wish I knew when that would happen and what it would be a result of. IUI? IVF? Another break cycle? Anyway, I'm still freaking out about the state of our finances and the lack of employment. It's not like my salary is huge and would make everything a-ok, but it sure would help. Hell, anything would do right about now. I'd take a pay cut or work part-time. I just don't want to be flipping burgers. (My skin is already suffering from all the hormones - I don't think it could take standing in a grease pit all day.)
So far my symptoms are... well... nothing that can't be explained by the Endometr.in. So... there's nothing really to report there. I think when I go in for my beta, I'll ask if it would make sense to run my progesterone as well - I'm curious as to what my levels are on the Endom and want to know if it's helping or a big waste. Of course, I may have missed that boat as I know its supposed to be done on CD21. We'll see.
No other big plans for the week. Terminix guy is coming tomorrow. The highlight of my day. (Not - he totally creeps me out.) Hope everyone else has more fun than me!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
10dpIUI
So here I am at 10 days past IUI, or - 4 days until beta. This weekend I've felt tired and icky (thank you endom.etrin) and still have sore boobs. And that's really about it. So, we'll see.
We picked Leinie up on Friday and so far have had erratic sleep. I've been the one to get up with her mostly - Marc seemed to sleep through some of the initial barks and whines. Last night we both endured long barking and whining. Hopefully she will get past this phase quickly. We took her over to A&J's Saturday where she was overwhelmed and behaved. She slept a lot and basically was a poster child for a laid back dog.
We also found out A&C were 11 weeks pg. I was immediately happy and bummed at the same time. I spent the night getting up with the dog, who was sick, and crying. This is honestly the first time someone else's pregnancy has affected me this way. I cried and cried and basically felt really sorry for myself. And then hated myself for not being happier for them. We were pg (the second time for me) at the same time and then miscarried at the same time back in December. They got pregnant pretty easily and I've been waiting for an announcement from them for a while. I guess I didn't expect the announcement to be so far along. I mean, I felt like we were pretty close before and she said they would share whenever they knew they were pg again.... I feel a little betrayed I guess. I feel like we kind of went through something and we shared all our difficulties with them... I was shocked although I shouldn't have been. I was just struck with the absolute unfairness of it all. And feelings of jealousy that they'll have the first grandchild on that side of the family (although they are step-in laws, so not really but close enough). And then feelings of self-despise-ment for not being a better person and for being so petty. It just rang so true the dream I had about a month or two ago. We're all gathered for Christmas or Thanksgiving and she is very pg and I'm not. And all anyone can talk about is the baby and her pregnancy and it's all I can do to be somewhat happy around them. And in my dream I just want to curl up and die. So with the timing of it all, yeah... I can easily picture this happening. It makes me want to skip the holidays this year. My only hope is that I'll be pregnant too.
Sunday afternoon we went over to my parent's so Leinie could meet their dogs and my family. Again, the poster child of a laid back dog. We got back home and she was pretty playful. I think she just gets overwhelmed. I need to take her to the vet and set up a schedule for her shots and other vaccines and talk about when we can spay her.
So that was my weekend. It'll be nice to get Leinie used to a more set schedule here around the house. The cats are slowly adjusting, I think. They just need more time getting used to her.
We picked Leinie up on Friday and so far have had erratic sleep. I've been the one to get up with her mostly - Marc seemed to sleep through some of the initial barks and whines. Last night we both endured long barking and whining. Hopefully she will get past this phase quickly. We took her over to A&J's Saturday where she was overwhelmed and behaved. She slept a lot and basically was a poster child for a laid back dog.
We also found out A&C were 11 weeks pg. I was immediately happy and bummed at the same time. I spent the night getting up with the dog, who was sick, and crying. This is honestly the first time someone else's pregnancy has affected me this way. I cried and cried and basically felt really sorry for myself. And then hated myself for not being happier for them. We were pg (the second time for me) at the same time and then miscarried at the same time back in December. They got pregnant pretty easily and I've been waiting for an announcement from them for a while. I guess I didn't expect the announcement to be so far along. I mean, I felt like we were pretty close before and she said they would share whenever they knew they were pg again.... I feel a little betrayed I guess. I feel like we kind of went through something and we shared all our difficulties with them... I was shocked although I shouldn't have been. I was just struck with the absolute unfairness of it all. And feelings of jealousy that they'll have the first grandchild on that side of the family (although they are step-in laws, so not really but close enough). And then feelings of self-despise-ment for not being a better person and for being so petty. It just rang so true the dream I had about a month or two ago. We're all gathered for Christmas or Thanksgiving and she is very pg and I'm not. And all anyone can talk about is the baby and her pregnancy and it's all I can do to be somewhat happy around them. And in my dream I just want to curl up and die. So with the timing of it all, yeah... I can easily picture this happening. It makes me want to skip the holidays this year. My only hope is that I'll be pregnant too.
Sunday afternoon we went over to my parent's so Leinie could meet their dogs and my family. Again, the poster child of a laid back dog. We got back home and she was pretty playful. I think she just gets overwhelmed. I need to take her to the vet and set up a schedule for her shots and other vaccines and talk about when we can spay her.
So that was my weekend. It'll be nice to get Leinie used to a more set schedule here around the house. The cats are slowly adjusting, I think. They just need more time getting used to her.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday and Monday
So the Memorial Day party we were supposed to go to was cancelled. Instead we brought the puppy home for a night. Man oh, man. We got like 3 hours of sleep that night and am shocked we didn't get the police called on us for a noise complaint. She screamed. All. night. long. I knew to expect the crying - Marc was shocked by it (the duration the loudness). She had several accidents (although, that's not really fair as she's never been remotely trained to not pee where she sleeps) so we started that, but since she was going back to the other puppies, we couldn't use the public grass that other dogs go on and I'm not sure anything really sunk in as she is back with the rest of the litter and back to "eliminating" wherever she wants. Marc flipped out about the 'accidents' on the carpet, so her new base will be the kitchen. I need to get a gate, as her crate is way too big and she tore down every divider we erected (one didn't come with the crate) or a smaller crate. I don't really want to spend the money on a smaller crate that she'll outgrow quickly though. I need to find out how A and P trained W because he loves his crate.
I've read all about crate training and potty training, and honestly, I'm not sure what we should do. There are so many different ideologies and I'm not really sure which we should adhere to. This is going to be a process. A long process. I've already figured that my schedule is going to have to change, because Marc can't go to work with 3 hours of sleep and function. So. yeah. I see a lot of sleepless nights and naps in my future. At least this will keep me occupied while unemployed and trying to get pregnant.
Let's see... today I am 4dpiui. Nothing to note, really. I still feel rather bloated and have had quite the upset stomach, which I'm guessing is from the endo.metrin.
I've been having vivid, bad dreams the last couple of night. Last night all the people I went to high school with were all hanging out for some type of reunion get together thing and all the girls were pregnant. All. of. them. Except me. I woke up feeling melancholy. My 10 year reunion is this year, so I guess that's where I got the ammunition for the dream. And (thanks to FB) I know several of my old classmates do have children... Ah well. The night before was some nightmare about being chased and having my leg cut off. Not pleasant.
I've read all about crate training and potty training, and honestly, I'm not sure what we should do. There are so many different ideologies and I'm not really sure which we should adhere to. This is going to be a process. A long process. I've already figured that my schedule is going to have to change, because Marc can't go to work with 3 hours of sleep and function. So. yeah. I see a lot of sleepless nights and naps in my future. At least this will keep me occupied while unemployed and trying to get pregnant.
Let's see... today I am 4dpiui. Nothing to note, really. I still feel rather bloated and have had quite the upset stomach, which I'm guessing is from the endo.metrin.
I've been having vivid, bad dreams the last couple of night. Last night all the people I went to high school with were all hanging out for some type of reunion get together thing and all the girls were pregnant. All. of. them. Except me. I woke up feeling melancholy. My 10 year reunion is this year, so I guess that's where I got the ammunition for the dream. And (thanks to FB) I know several of my old classmates do have children... Ah well. The night before was some nightmare about being chased and having my leg cut off. Not pleasant.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
One Week Until Puppy!
So the cramping has slowed, and gotten better. The endo.metrin is going well, I'm afraid I'm going to forget to take it though. I'll get into the habit though, and should get the hang of it.
The baby shower today was great - I was so happy to see L again. I can't believe so much time had gone by before seeing her. She looked, great, as always, and especially with her being 8 months pregnant. From behind you couldn't even tell she was pg - I know I won't look like that, but a girl can dream... The shower was nice, but awkward for me. I didn't know anyone there and have always been a freak about being around people I don't know. I am totally Social Anxiety when it comes to these kind of things, but today wasn't too bad.
We went out with the G's and R's which was nice... especially the trip to The Choc.olate Bar. Oh yeah. Yum. I picked up a piece of cake to eat at home and ate some ice cream there. YUM.
I'm not sure about tomorrow's plans - I have to say I'm not too disappointed with not hanging out with some of these people. Apparently A is sick and the neighbor I hate had surgery and may be in the hospital... so no big celebration.
And one week from today we should be bringing our new furbaby home! We may bring her over to introduce her to the cats, before the permanent move to helpfully reduce the shock. I'm SO excited about having her home. The cats just have no idea. And she will be a wonderful distraction from the 2ww when it gets really bad at the end.
And, I think I forgot to mention - we had two showings last week! Yay! One was a second showing, so I really hope something comes from it. They seem to be moving pretty slow, as the second showing was 18 days from the first. I don't care - just make an offer!!!!
The baby shower today was great - I was so happy to see L again. I can't believe so much time had gone by before seeing her. She looked, great, as always, and especially with her being 8 months pregnant. From behind you couldn't even tell she was pg - I know I won't look like that, but a girl can dream... The shower was nice, but awkward for me. I didn't know anyone there and have always been a freak about being around people I don't know. I am totally Social Anxiety when it comes to these kind of things, but today wasn't too bad.
We went out with the G's and R's which was nice... especially the trip to The Choc.olate Bar. Oh yeah. Yum. I picked up a piece of cake to eat at home and ate some ice cream there. YUM.
I'm not sure about tomorrow's plans - I have to say I'm not too disappointed with not hanging out with some of these people. Apparently A is sick and the neighbor I hate had surgery and may be in the hospital... so no big celebration.
And one week from today we should be bringing our new furbaby home! We may bring her over to introduce her to the cats, before the permanent move to helpfully reduce the shock. I'm SO excited about having her home. The cats just have no idea. And she will be a wonderful distraction from the 2ww when it gets really bad at the end.
And, I think I forgot to mention - we had two showings last week! Yay! One was a second showing, so I really hope something comes from it. They seem to be moving pretty slow, as the second showing was 18 days from the first. I don't care - just make an offer!!!!
Friday, May 22, 2009
IUI #5 This Morning
Everything went well! M had great numbers:
Post Wash:
Count: 81 million/ml
Progression: 3+
Motile %: 90%
Total Motile: 36.4 million
% Recovery: 38%
Honestly, I'm not sure what everything means, as far as the numbers go. I just know pre-wash what they want to see, and he passed, like always. We are so lucky and thankful that I'm the only one who has issues...
Apparently my cervix is easy - it just pops out according to the nurse today. There wasn't any pain - uncomfortableness from the speculum, and a little tickling when they cleaned off the excess cervical mucus, but that's it. Now, at home, I have some slight cramping, but that's to be expected and no big deal.
I also ran into one of our nurses and she gave me a free box of Endo.metrin - yay! Those things are expensive and you're supposed to use them through your tenth week of pregnancy, so I'm glad I got more. They are so cool there - I <3 my clinic.
That's about it - I'm off to watch SYTYCD and hang out on the couch!
Post Wash:
Count: 81 million/ml
Progression: 3+
Motile %: 90%
Total Motile: 36.4 million
% Recovery: 38%
Honestly, I'm not sure what everything means, as far as the numbers go. I just know pre-wash what they want to see, and he passed, like always. We are so lucky and thankful that I'm the only one who has issues...
Apparently my cervix is easy - it just pops out according to the nurse today. There wasn't any pain - uncomfortableness from the speculum, and a little tickling when they cleaned off the excess cervical mucus, but that's it. Now, at home, I have some slight cramping, but that's to be expected and no big deal.
I also ran into one of our nurses and she gave me a free box of Endo.metrin - yay! Those things are expensive and you're supposed to use them through your tenth week of pregnancy, so I'm glad I got more. They are so cool there - I <3 my clinic.
That's about it - I'm off to watch SYTYCD and hang out on the couch!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Most Likely Triggering Tonight!
So I didn't get my lining number this morning (but let's face it - it was so awesome yesterday it probably didn't get worse) (and wow did that sound cocky!) but I am pretty happy because my right ovary looked as if it had exploded. I had one follicle on the right measuring at 17.3mm, and a couple 14's and 13's, with some 11's thrown and a bunch of little ones in there... on the scan it just looked like there were bubbles covering the entire surface of my ovary. Kinda cool. I seriously couldn't count the number as she was measuring them, but she took like 15 pictures. My left one is the brownheaded* step child of the cycle, with the biggest at 15.somethinglow and just one or two smaller. Marc speculated that since in "normal" women ovulation takes turns between ovaries and that it must have been ole rightie's turn. So, since the clinic considers 15 mature (which hummph. I'm still not entirely convinced, although u/s tech made a good argument about how they determine that number through IVF and that 15 IS mature) it looks like I will 99.999% be triggering tonight. I got a cup and everything. I just hope they continue to grow... and be really mature - not just on the cusp.
For shits and giggles I asked what my e2 levels were last cycle when I triggered. They were only 434. That's it! I had one follicle at 16.something and one at 15.something. I'm glad this cycle is different. She did say that higher e2 levels were better. So, that's good... I still can't believe the number for last cycle. No wonder I'm being such a super freak about this one.
Ah well. The joyous part of the morning was being confronted with a baby while waiting for my blood to be drawn. He was probably 2 or 3, and his mom was there for b/w as well. I just kinda got hit with a WTF moment. I mean, she was obviously there for #2, but man. Just right there. Kinda stung a bit. Brought up a little bitterness, I'm not going to lie. Made me feel like a bad person. But, what could she do? It's not her fault she has to bring her kid to the clinic to try and get pg with a second.
I also RSVPed to a baby shower this weekend... I'm super happy for her as it took her A LOT to get pg, but still kinda anxious about it since I would have been only 3 weeks behind her if I hadn't lost the second pregnancy and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about seeing a big ole belly and thinking about what should have been.
And now I'm off to take a bath, as I won't be able to do so in the next couple of weeks (I like HOT baths) and meeting Sarah for lunch at Jake's - yum!
*As I am redheaded, when I was younger I took offense to this saying (now I'm not so offended; I feel sorry for real redheaded step children and everyone always looks at me when they say it, which is weird) so have changed it to make myself happy. Suck on it brunettes.
For shits and giggles I asked what my e2 levels were last cycle when I triggered. They were only 434. That's it! I had one follicle at 16.something and one at 15.something. I'm glad this cycle is different. She did say that higher e2 levels were better. So, that's good... I still can't believe the number for last cycle. No wonder I'm being such a super freak about this one.
Ah well. The joyous part of the morning was being confronted with a baby while waiting for my blood to be drawn. He was probably 2 or 3, and his mom was there for b/w as well. I just kinda got hit with a WTF moment. I mean, she was obviously there for #2, but man. Just right there. Kinda stung a bit. Brought up a little bitterness, I'm not going to lie. Made me feel like a bad person. But, what could she do? It's not her fault she has to bring her kid to the clinic to try and get pg with a second.
I also RSVPed to a baby shower this weekend... I'm super happy for her as it took her A LOT to get pg, but still kinda anxious about it since I would have been only 3 weeks behind her if I hadn't lost the second pregnancy and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about seeing a big ole belly and thinking about what should have been.
And now I'm off to take a bath, as I won't be able to do so in the next couple of weeks (I like HOT baths) and meeting Sarah for lunch at Jake's - yum!
*As I am redheaded, when I was younger I took offense to this saying (now I'm not so offended; I feel sorry for real redheaded step children and everyone always looks at me when they say it, which is weird) so have changed it to make myself happy. Suck on it brunettes.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Cycle Check In
So this morning was the scan and b/w check. I have 5 measurable follicles; 14, 14, 13, 12, 11... or something like that. My lining is at 11.3 - awesome! She said that I most likely would be coming in daily or almost daily. It all depends on my estrogen levels. So we'll see.. Things are definitely happening in there!
**Edited to add:
e2 levels at 559! Yay! I'm doing another 150iu of Gonal tonight and going in again tomorrow morning. I'm kinda mad because I was under the impression that I would maybe go two more days - to stim for 8 days total, not 7 :( The way it's sounding now, I may be triggering tomorrow for a Friday IUI, which means I'll only have stimmed for 7 days. Which sucks. I'm trying really, really hard not to take this as a bad thing, but I really, really want to go for 8 days. I just have this feeling that it would be better. Stupid, yes. Illogical, yes. Crazy, yes. But will it make me feel better - YES. I may be calling my nurse back. Or maybe I'll just wait until tomorrow and see what they say then. If follicles only grow 2mm per day, then tomorrow they won't be ready anyway. Maybe if I can just coast the 8th night - no meds. I know its stupid but I'm having high anxiety over this - the possibility of triggering tomorrow.
**Edited to add:
e2 levels at 559! Yay! I'm doing another 150iu of Gonal tonight and going in again tomorrow morning. I'm kinda mad because I was under the impression that I would maybe go two more days - to stim for 8 days total, not 7 :( The way it's sounding now, I may be triggering tomorrow for a Friday IUI, which means I'll only have stimmed for 7 days. Which sucks. I'm trying really, really hard not to take this as a bad thing, but I really, really want to go for 8 days. I just have this feeling that it would be better. Stupid, yes. Illogical, yes. Crazy, yes. But will it make me feel better - YES. I may be calling my nurse back. Or maybe I'll just wait until tomorrow and see what they say then. If follicles only grow 2mm per day, then tomorrow they won't be ready anyway. Maybe if I can just coast the 8th night - no meds. I know its stupid but I'm having high anxiety over this - the possibility of triggering tomorrow.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Weekend Recap
Had a pretty great weekend. The weather was wonderful (even downright cool!) and we had a lot of fun. Saturday I went to the A.lief job fair, which was horrible. I wish the cool front had come in then, because they didn't turn on the AC all the way, and everyone was sweating. We stood around in lines for 3 hours, I talked to 10 people for like 10 seconds and that was it. It felt very discouraging. I highly doubt I will get a call back from any of the schools I met with. I don't know what to do, other than looking for a job elsewhere, or in some other field.
We went to lunch with A&P and then went over to Alex and Jen's. We swam and hung out with friends*. I wasn't drinking, but it was a lot of fun. Sunday morning, we had an appointment, got there SUPER early (like 7:15 - they didn't even open until 7:30 and usually don't start taking appointments until 8 - whoops! Nurse said it was fine, and she was happy we were there early, but who knows, really). After that, we had breakfast and then saw S.tar T.rek. It was great. The 10:10am showing only cost $10 for the both of us! We'll be doing that again. I couldn't believe how affordable it was. We've been avoiding movie theaters and just waiting for movies to come out and buy them used because $20 for two of us to see a movie seems ridiculous. After that we went home and hung out until it was time for bed.
Overall, a pretty fun weekend, although I am NOT looking forward to next weekend. Memorial Day. We're hanging out with Alex and Jen again, except the newly pregnant (announced she was pg at FOUR WEEKS and has been married for um, 3 months?) neighbor's son and DIL will be there. I hate the neighbors and don't care much for the son and DIL, on top of the fact that they're pregnant. Ugh. Just what I don't want. To hang around THAT. We'll see who else is there and how long we stay. I'm assuming my IUI will be at the end of this week, so no swimming or drinking for me, which sucks. Especially since getting drunk sounds like a lovely way to avoid that nightmare. We'll probably be leaving early that day. I may not be feeling very well.
At the Sunday morning appointment, we only had blood drawn. I didn't make a fuss about it like I kinda wanted to, for which I patted myself on the back. My e2 was 186. I am to continue the 150iu of Gonal and I go back in Tuesday for blood work AND a scan. My boobs have been so painful, I was kinda worried about what was happening with my hormones and figured that if I had high levels of estrogen to make them hurt that I would get over-stimulated and get cancelled (or we would get transferred to IVF). They had an almost burning sensation on the tops of them. Its not so bad this morning, but man was it painful last night. My skin also feels very sensitive. I wonder if it's because of the Gonal...
*There was this other couple there who brought their 1.5 year old daughter - we hadn't seen them since she was pg and don't really know them well. I like them, but really didn't need to hear about how smart we are for waiting until we're older to have kids and how much they change your life (nice assumption there, asshole). She just went on about how hard it was and that she loves her, but... hard work, yapyapyap. I kinda wanted to say something shocking and somewhat rude about our situation but managed to restrain myself. Good for me. Another pat on the back for that.
We went to lunch with A&P and then went over to Alex and Jen's. We swam and hung out with friends*. I wasn't drinking, but it was a lot of fun. Sunday morning, we had an appointment, got there SUPER early (like 7:15 - they didn't even open until 7:30 and usually don't start taking appointments until 8 - whoops! Nurse said it was fine, and she was happy we were there early, but who knows, really). After that, we had breakfast and then saw S.tar T.rek. It was great. The 10:10am showing only cost $10 for the both of us! We'll be doing that again. I couldn't believe how affordable it was. We've been avoiding movie theaters and just waiting for movies to come out and buy them used because $20 for two of us to see a movie seems ridiculous. After that we went home and hung out until it was time for bed.
Overall, a pretty fun weekend, although I am NOT looking forward to next weekend. Memorial Day. We're hanging out with Alex and Jen again, except the newly pregnant (announced she was pg at FOUR WEEKS and has been married for um, 3 months?) neighbor's son and DIL will be there. I hate the neighbors and don't care much for the son and DIL, on top of the fact that they're pregnant. Ugh. Just what I don't want. To hang around THAT. We'll see who else is there and how long we stay. I'm assuming my IUI will be at the end of this week, so no swimming or drinking for me, which sucks. Especially since getting drunk sounds like a lovely way to avoid that nightmare. We'll probably be leaving early that day. I may not be feeling very well.
At the Sunday morning appointment, we only had blood drawn. I didn't make a fuss about it like I kinda wanted to, for which I patted myself on the back. My e2 was 186. I am to continue the 150iu of Gonal and I go back in Tuesday for blood work AND a scan. My boobs have been so painful, I was kinda worried about what was happening with my hormones and figured that if I had high levels of estrogen to make them hurt that I would get over-stimulated and get cancelled (or we would get transferred to IVF). They had an almost burning sensation on the tops of them. Its not so bad this morning, but man was it painful last night. My skin also feels very sensitive. I wonder if it's because of the Gonal...
*There was this other couple there who brought their 1.5 year old daughter - we hadn't seen them since she was pg and don't really know them well. I like them, but really didn't need to hear about how smart we are for waiting until we're older to have kids and how much they change your life (nice assumption there, asshole). She just went on about how hard it was and that she loves her, but... hard work, yapyapyap. I kinda wanted to say something shocking and somewhat rude about our situation but managed to restrain myself. Good for me. Another pat on the back for that.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Ack! Almost forgot...
I wanted to make sure I charted, or at least recorded everything from this cycle. And on CD 2 when I had the scan and b/w, my lining was 3.3 (good) and my e2 was 62 (also good). I'll make sure to update on Sunday, when I get b/w results back. Apparently they aren't doing a scan, which I'm not happy about. I kinda feel like they're being cheapskates and I'm mad because I'm paying $500 more dollars for an injectibles only cycle, which means more monitoring. And I'm not getting a scan. If I get too many follies that are too big and have to cancel the cycle, I'm gonna be pissed. P-I-S-S-E-D. So we shall see.
Oh, and nothing on the house. We haven't had a showing in forever, we haven't had a single open house and our info box out front has been empty for days. Yeah. And that's all I'll say about that.
Oh, and nothing on the house. We haven't had a showing in forever, we haven't had a single open house and our info box out front has been empty for days. Yeah. And that's all I'll say about that.
Non-Title Title
Not too much to report here. Today will be day 3 of 150iu of Gonal. So that's fun - no really. I don't mind the shots and, in fact, look forward to them. Because it means I'm doing something and things are progressing. And, really, I only get to feel like this for maybe a week, before the 2ww starts. Yay for the shots. My next appointment is Sunday, where we see where's I'm at. I hung out with my sister this week, which was fun, especially since I don't get to see her very often. There's a job fair Saturday I need to go to, and need to get ready for - oh holy crap - that's tomorrow! Well, I guess I just planned out my day, along with watching Grey's season finale. I hope it's not going to be ruined like The Office. So bittersweet. So sad for myself.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Today was a Big Day
And I am tired. Marc is bringing me food which makes me very happy.
So it started off with the dermatologist appointment this morning at 10. He seemed really nice and removed one 'abnormal' looking mole to send off and one unsightly skin tag I was SO glad to be rid of. They now hurt, but didn't at the time. So that's good. He also gave me a safe rosecea medicine I can use while pregnant (that the RE even okayed).
I then went to meet and talk with Dr. M, who I love. Talking to her always gives me such hope and optimism. She answers my questions, doesn't mind that I ask them and knows me. Like, doesn't have to look at my chart to know my history and know what I've been through and know who I am. Which means so, so much. She helped clear my worries of:
- other testing that may catch something
- my short LP
- the study I read online about PCOS/early miscarriage rates and Met.formin. (That met would bring down the higher chance of m/c that PCOS girls have.)
- my stimming length of time
- when to go to IVF
It was just really nice to talk to her about things. She gave me a card to the resident therapist and told me if I was feeling especially stressed and frustrated that I should call and see what I think about going to some support groups or talking to her. I know I should think about it, but it's very hard to think that I can do that with the $$ situation the way it is. Realistically, we probably shouldn't even think about moving right now, should fire our maid, shouldn't get a dog, should sell our new iPhones on ebay, and I should start applying for jobs at fast food restaurants. I'm stressed because I just paid medical bills. Which are now even higher.
Back to my talk with Dr. M; I have been tested for everything that is a valid test. My short LP is a concern (which - HA! I knew they never noted that when I told them my period was starting super early after the IUIs) so I am now on Endo.metrin which is fucking expensive. (I know it's nothing like IVF meds, but we aren't at IVF... and I know it could be a lot worse and am glad I respond well to low-ish doses of Gonal.) My concerns about Met and m/c and PCOS is not super valid. Apparently there was a study that tested Met and getting pg with a sub study of m/c rates. And the people on Met who got pg didn't have a lower rate of m/c - in fact it was slightly higher. So, no Met for me, which I'm somewhat happy to hear about given the recent increase in fertility meds I'm taking and the $$. Stimming for a certain length of time... well, as long as it's not short, like 5 days, anything from 7 to 10 days is good. And won't make a big difference if we go 7 instead of 10. So that worry is set aside.
The last is the IVF. She asked what we were thinking about it and that we should start to think about it. (I didn't tell her that we both have had it sitting in the back of our minds since this thing started. We both just automatically subtract $40,000 out of savings and then stress about it. And buying a house and such. STRESS.) She also confirmed some serious doubts. IVF won't help us stay pregnant, it will just get us pregnant faster. Considering I've conceived twice, with no live baby, it is not a pleasant thought that we should pay 5 times more for the same result.
If we don't conceive in this IUI or the next, we will seriously venture into IVF. That's the standard. 3-4 failed inject/IUI cycles says time for IVF. IVF will give us more information. Like egg quality that blood tests aren't picking up on. Or sperm issues that a SA doesn't see. Or fertilization problems. There's all sort of things that could help answer the IF question further. Unfortunately, none of these answers mean anything if we do IVF and get a BFN. I mean, it's not like there's a better treatment out there. IVF is it.
I admitted that I was probably more scared of getting pregnant again than I am of anything else. I would just wait for the other shoe to drop. She told me that she knows that it will happen for me, that I will be pregnant. And it feels so good to have someone tell me with such honest, pure, BELIEF that this will happen for us.
So, onto the rest of my day. I then had a scan and blood work. The scan was awesome. I told the tech that I would seriously probably cry if there was a cyst - I think I freaked her out a little. But - no cysts! This cycle is a go! I'm waiting for my e2 levels back and official instructions that I'm to start the Gonal tonight. The b/w didn't hurt either. Sometimes it just feels like they are stabbing my arm. I got a free box of Endomet.rin which was nice, considering I now know how expensive it is. And I confirmed the order for all the meds I will get tomorrow. And abused my AMEX to the tune of ~$700 for those meds. Ouch!
I am super, retardedly excited to start this cycle, so I can't wait for the phone call and tomorrow's first injection. (Now I just need to worry about using expired meds and if they're still good... god I hope so. I can't imagine that I wasted all that money.) But! Wish me luck on this cycle! And tell me how beautiful our new puppy (getting her end of May/beginning of June) is!
So it started off with the dermatologist appointment this morning at 10. He seemed really nice and removed one 'abnormal' looking mole to send off and one unsightly skin tag I was SO glad to be rid of. They now hurt, but didn't at the time. So that's good. He also gave me a safe rosecea medicine I can use while pregnant (that the RE even okayed).
I then went to meet and talk with Dr. M, who I love. Talking to her always gives me such hope and optimism. She answers my questions, doesn't mind that I ask them and knows me. Like, doesn't have to look at my chart to know my history and know what I've been through and know who I am. Which means so, so much. She helped clear my worries of:
- other testing that may catch something
- my short LP
- the study I read online about PCOS/early miscarriage rates and Met.formin. (That met would bring down the higher chance of m/c that PCOS girls have.)
- my stimming length of time
- when to go to IVF
It was just really nice to talk to her about things. She gave me a card to the resident therapist and told me if I was feeling especially stressed and frustrated that I should call and see what I think about going to some support groups or talking to her. I know I should think about it, but it's very hard to think that I can do that with the $$ situation the way it is. Realistically, we probably shouldn't even think about moving right now, should fire our maid, shouldn't get a dog, should sell our new iPhones on ebay, and I should start applying for jobs at fast food restaurants. I'm stressed because I just paid medical bills. Which are now even higher.
Back to my talk with Dr. M; I have been tested for everything that is a valid test. My short LP is a concern (which - HA! I knew they never noted that when I told them my period was starting super early after the IUIs) so I am now on Endo.metrin which is fucking expensive. (I know it's nothing like IVF meds, but we aren't at IVF... and I know it could be a lot worse and am glad I respond well to low-ish doses of Gonal.) My concerns about Met and m/c and PCOS is not super valid. Apparently there was a study that tested Met and getting pg with a sub study of m/c rates. And the people on Met who got pg didn't have a lower rate of m/c - in fact it was slightly higher. So, no Met for me, which I'm somewhat happy to hear about given the recent increase in fertility meds I'm taking and the $$. Stimming for a certain length of time... well, as long as it's not short, like 5 days, anything from 7 to 10 days is good. And won't make a big difference if we go 7 instead of 10. So that worry is set aside.
The last is the IVF. She asked what we were thinking about it and that we should start to think about it. (I didn't tell her that we both have had it sitting in the back of our minds since this thing started. We both just automatically subtract $40,000 out of savings and then stress about it. And buying a house and such. STRESS.) She also confirmed some serious doubts. IVF won't help us stay pregnant, it will just get us pregnant faster. Considering I've conceived twice, with no live baby, it is not a pleasant thought that we should pay 5 times more for the same result.
If we don't conceive in this IUI or the next, we will seriously venture into IVF. That's the standard. 3-4 failed inject/IUI cycles says time for IVF. IVF will give us more information. Like egg quality that blood tests aren't picking up on. Or sperm issues that a SA doesn't see. Or fertilization problems. There's all sort of things that could help answer the IF question further. Unfortunately, none of these answers mean anything if we do IVF and get a BFN. I mean, it's not like there's a better treatment out there. IVF is it.
I admitted that I was probably more scared of getting pregnant again than I am of anything else. I would just wait for the other shoe to drop. She told me that she knows that it will happen for me, that I will be pregnant. And it feels so good to have someone tell me with such honest, pure, BELIEF that this will happen for us.
So, onto the rest of my day. I then had a scan and blood work. The scan was awesome. I told the tech that I would seriously probably cry if there was a cyst - I think I freaked her out a little. But - no cysts! This cycle is a go! I'm waiting for my e2 levels back and official instructions that I'm to start the Gonal tonight. The b/w didn't hurt either. Sometimes it just feels like they are stabbing my arm. I got a free box of Endomet.rin which was nice, considering I now know how expensive it is. And I confirmed the order for all the meds I will get tomorrow. And abused my AMEX to the tune of ~$700 for those meds. Ouch!
I am super, retardedly excited to start this cycle, so I can't wait for the phone call and tomorrow's first injection. (Now I just need to worry about using expired meds and if they're still good... god I hope so. I can't imagine that I wasted all that money.) But! Wish me luck on this cycle! And tell me how beautiful our new puppy (getting her end of May/beginning of June) is!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day and iPhones
So Happy Mother's Day* and all that jazz. Yay for moms. Good for you. Thanks especially to the moms in my family for birthing me and my hubs. The end of all that.
So in even more exciting news... iPhones! We has them! We went to the phone store and paid the (gulp) $199 each and have spent the entire weekend with our heads stuck in our phones and apps. And weeee! How do I love it? Let me count the ways... I think I've pretty much sold everyone I've come in contact with on it. They should pay me much for extolling the awesome-ness of the phone. So we've been having lots of fun.
We've officially picked a pup - Blue! We're very excited to officially choose her to be in our family and can't wait for her to come home. I will be on poop duty soon. (Marc does the cats, so I suppose it's only fair that I do the dog, but also fair to point out the daily soon-to-be horse-like poop I will be dealing with.) I hope potty training is easy and fast. So does our still-for-sale-house carpet. Speaking of which, the showings have s..loooo...w...www..eeedddd... big time. We need a miracle this summer. Actually, we need several major ones, so I shouldn't be too specific for what I ask for, since any of the three will do nicely *ahemjobhousebabyahem* but we'd really like them all, if it's not too much to ask. (God, I think something got stuck in my throat/finger knuckles there a second.)
And... last and least, today was the last of the Provera. I really hope that I start my period soon and put all the hormonal nonsense of last week in the past. The s/e's slowly eased off the next day after writing the previous post, and are gone now, so all we need is some crimson tide action. Go Red!
*And I wish an even happier Mother's Day to families who have lost their babies and to those who are trying so desperately to have them. I wish strength onto all of us.
So in even more exciting news... iPhones! We has them! We went to the phone store and paid the (gulp) $199 each and have spent the entire weekend with our heads stuck in our phones and apps. And weeee! How do I love it? Let me count the ways... I think I've pretty much sold everyone I've come in contact with on it. They should pay me much for extolling the awesome-ness of the phone. So we've been having lots of fun.
We've officially picked a pup - Blue! We're very excited to officially choose her to be in our family and can't wait for her to come home. I will be on poop duty soon. (Marc does the cats, so I suppose it's only fair that I do the dog, but also fair to point out the daily soon-to-be horse-like poop I will be dealing with.) I hope potty training is easy and fast. So does our still-for-sale-house carpet. Speaking of which, the showings have s..loooo...w...www..eeedddd... big time. We need a miracle this summer. Actually, we need several major ones, so I shouldn't be too specific for what I ask for, since any of the three will do nicely *ahemjobhousebabyahem* but we'd really like them all, if it's not too much to ask. (God, I think something got stuck in my throat/finger knuckles there a second.)
And... last and least, today was the last of the Provera. I really hope that I start my period soon and put all the hormonal nonsense of last week in the past. The s/e's slowly eased off the next day after writing the previous post, and are gone now, so all we need is some crimson tide action. Go Red!
*And I wish an even happier Mother's Day to families who have lost their babies and to those who are trying so desperately to have them. I wish strength onto all of us.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The Never Before Experienced Side Effects of Provera
Or Holy Hot Flashes, Fatigue and Boob Soreness.
Seriously. I took a pregnancy test this morning, just to be sure (I keep replaying the women from 'I didn't know I was pregnant' in my head who swore they took pregnancy tests that were negative and thinking, well if it happened to them...) And that is utterly retarded. *
But, the side effects! My god, they are a-plenty. I'm flashing during the day (not at night, or at least not enough to wake me up) and not as strongly as when I was on Clomid, but enough to feel 'moist' all over. While in my air-conditioned, fanned house wearing a sports bra, very thin pj pants and undies. (Please don't let anyone knock on my door today! I'd burn their eyes out.) I'm tired but that could be attributed to something else**, and my boobs. My god. My boobs. They hu-uuuuuu-urttttttt. They feel so heavy and they are so sore. I have to say, I'm very surprised I'm responding to the Provera this way this time around. I've never had anything remotely approaching this level of side effect, but I'm feeling it now. Oh well. Only four (!!) more days to go and then hopefully I'll start my period.
Seriously. I took a pregnancy test this morning, just to be sure (I keep replaying the women from 'I didn't know I was pregnant' in my head who swore they took pregnancy tests that were negative and thinking, well if it happened to them...) And that is utterly retarded. *
But, the side effects! My god, they are a-plenty. I'm flashing during the day (not at night, or at least not enough to wake me up) and not as strongly as when I was on Clomid, but enough to feel 'moist' all over. While in my air-conditioned, fanned house wearing a sports bra, very thin pj pants and undies. (Please don't let anyone knock on my door today! I'd burn their eyes out.) I'm tired but that could be attributed to something else**, and my boobs. My god. My boobs. They hu-uuuuuu-urttttttt. They feel so heavy and they are so sore. I have to say, I'm very surprised I'm responding to the Provera this way this time around. I've never had anything remotely approaching this level of side effect, but I'm feeling it now. Oh well. Only four (!!) more days to go and then hopefully I'll start my period.
*But, apparently, not so retarded. I called in to my clinic and left a message asking them about these side effects and they called back and said that Provera is not known to cause them. She asked if I took a HPT before taking Provera (which - duh - I mean, who wouldn't do that?) and I said yes and one this morning (to which she said good) and that they were both negative. She said that my hormones are probably all screwed up and that my estrogen levels could be high, which is causing me not to start, but giving me these s/e's. I asked her if I haven't started my period by what day should I call back and she said to give it a week. Ugggghhhh... So now this cycle may be all FUBAR. I mean, what the fuck? I just hope my hormones get themselves straightened out so I can have a period and start my cycle.
**Yesterday and Monday Anthony's school was closed due to the Swine flu so I got to watch him all day. Monday we went to Chik.F.A and ate lunch. A played in the jungle gym while I watched and came out to eat when he felt like it. We played at the house and he fell asleep before Jen got home. Yesterday we went to the zoo. From 10 am to 1:45 pm. And it. was. hot. I was worn out from all the walking and the heat. And so was A who was a little cranky when we got back to the house, but overall was awesome both days. And it was the coolest thing ever. Other people thought I was his mom (even though I look nothing like him blond/blue vs red/green). And it kinda felt like this could be me and my kid one day. And that was the coolest feeling ever. It was so encouraging to know that one day I WILL be doing this with my own child. I could just, for a moment, picture it, as I pushed A in his stroller through the zoo and watched him play at CFA. I know I will be a mother soon. My time is soon approaching, and I can't wait.
In other 'mother' news, we are picking out a dog this week. We have to decide between Pink girl and Blue girl, before Saturday. They have people coming over to look at the dogs and don't know if they prefer a gender, and if they want a female, they have to know which one is available. So the hard decision is being thought out. As Marc pointed out there is no wrong answer here. We did a preliminary 'which one do you want' and we came up with different answers, of course.
It's so funny. Since the pups were born both Marc and Amy have liked Pink over Blue. Because I'm obstinate and feel bad for the underdog, I liked Blue better. I felt bad that no one else liked her and that they perceived her to be the "not as cool" dog. Pink would cuddle more and seemed to tolerate more than Blue. But I didn't care. I held Blue and figured out that she didn't like being held like Marc and Amy wanted to hold her - she preferred to sit upright and not be as smothered. We played with them last night, trying to decide. I clipped their toes and Pink seemed more bothered by it than Blue. Pink is the fawn colored one, whereas Blue is more apricot (and, to be honest a little bit uglier - lots of black undercoating, with the red and a blond-ish furry like appearance - not smooth coated; we don't really know what she will look like older when all the puppy undercoating falls out). Marc has pointed out that getting a fawn would be neat because then our dog would look different than Amy's adult ones, the parents, who are both apricot. Pink is also about 8 ounces lighter than Blue, and would probably be a smaller dog. I thought as first-ish time dog owners, a smaller dog would be smarter. (Although, as my friend Sarah pointed out, with a giant breed it's like a 100 story building and a 80 story building - big is big, even if one is slightly smaller.) Both seemed to be playful and come when called (as much as five week old pups do). I'm worried that we'll be making our decision with Pink being a little developmentally behind, because she's so small, and we won't see her true personality before we make a decision. Blue is the one who plays more aggressively with her brothers. Both seem inquisitive and will go check things out outside their comfort zone. Blue follows Amy around. Pink seems more delicate. Both are chewing on things already (of course).
So, in our vote last night, Marc chose Blue and I chose Pink. I thought it out and had all my reasons and Marc went with his gut. One of the other reasons I chose Pink is because that's who I thought Marc would like. Because, all along I've liked Blue and am now wondering if I like her because I felt bad for her in the beginning, and have grown more attached. So I need to play with Pink some more to see. Our coin toss also had Blue winning 2 out of 3. I'm thinking we should narrow down some names and see what we like and who we like for it. Marc still loves Leinenkugal (and calling her Leine; like Line-y, which is not my favorite and think sounds like heinie. I think I like Kimble the best so far, but Marc doesn't love it *sigh*).
So, if you have an opinion, vote! Tell me what to do!
**Yesterday and Monday Anthony's school was closed due to the Swine flu so I got to watch him all day. Monday we went to Chik.F.A and ate lunch. A played in the jungle gym while I watched and came out to eat when he felt like it. We played at the house and he fell asleep before Jen got home. Yesterday we went to the zoo. From 10 am to 1:45 pm. And it. was. hot. I was worn out from all the walking and the heat. And so was A who was a little cranky when we got back to the house, but overall was awesome both days. And it was the coolest thing ever. Other people thought I was his mom (even though I look nothing like him blond/blue vs red/green). And it kinda felt like this could be me and my kid one day. And that was the coolest feeling ever. It was so encouraging to know that one day I WILL be doing this with my own child. I could just, for a moment, picture it, as I pushed A in his stroller through the zoo and watched him play at CFA. I know I will be a mother soon. My time is soon approaching, and I can't wait.
In other 'mother' news, we are picking out a dog this week. We have to decide between Pink girl and Blue girl, before Saturday. They have people coming over to look at the dogs and don't know if they prefer a gender, and if they want a female, they have to know which one is available. So the hard decision is being thought out. As Marc pointed out there is no wrong answer here. We did a preliminary 'which one do you want' and we came up with different answers, of course.
It's so funny. Since the pups were born both Marc and Amy have liked Pink over Blue. Because I'm obstinate and feel bad for the underdog, I liked Blue better. I felt bad that no one else liked her and that they perceived her to be the "not as cool" dog. Pink would cuddle more and seemed to tolerate more than Blue. But I didn't care. I held Blue and figured out that she didn't like being held like Marc and Amy wanted to hold her - she preferred to sit upright and not be as smothered. We played with them last night, trying to decide. I clipped their toes and Pink seemed more bothered by it than Blue. Pink is the fawn colored one, whereas Blue is more apricot (and, to be honest a little bit uglier - lots of black undercoating, with the red and a blond-ish furry like appearance - not smooth coated; we don't really know what she will look like older when all the puppy undercoating falls out). Marc has pointed out that getting a fawn would be neat because then our dog would look different than Amy's adult ones, the parents, who are both apricot. Pink is also about 8 ounces lighter than Blue, and would probably be a smaller dog. I thought as first-ish time dog owners, a smaller dog would be smarter. (Although, as my friend Sarah pointed out, with a giant breed it's like a 100 story building and a 80 story building - big is big, even if one is slightly smaller.) Both seemed to be playful and come when called (as much as five week old pups do). I'm worried that we'll be making our decision with Pink being a little developmentally behind, because she's so small, and we won't see her true personality before we make a decision. Blue is the one who plays more aggressively with her brothers. Both seem inquisitive and will go check things out outside their comfort zone. Blue follows Amy around. Pink seems more delicate. Both are chewing on things already (of course).
So, in our vote last night, Marc chose Blue and I chose Pink. I thought it out and had all my reasons and Marc went with his gut. One of the other reasons I chose Pink is because that's who I thought Marc would like. Because, all along I've liked Blue and am now wondering if I like her because I felt bad for her in the beginning, and have grown more attached. So I need to play with Pink some more to see. Our coin toss also had Blue winning 2 out of 3. I'm thinking we should narrow down some names and see what we like and who we like for it. Marc still loves Leinenkugal (and calling her Leine; like Line-y, which is not my favorite and think sounds like heinie. I think I like Kimble the best so far, but Marc doesn't love it *sigh*).
So, if you have an opinion, vote! Tell me what to do!
Today is also the great laundry day. Marc wants all of his shirts washed. ALL OF THEM. Some of them have started to have an almost chemically smell that he can't stand, so today, out of the kindness of my heart, I am washing them. This also means that I'll be able to sort them in his closet as I please (mwah-hahahaha). I believe I will sort his work shirts by color (like my side) and then his t-shirts by type (comedy, concert tee, sports) and sub-sort those by color. I have to take all his long sleeved 'dress' shirts to be dry-cleaned as well. Fun day for an unemployed wife!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Thank you Swine Flu
Our friend's son's day school is closed, thanks to the swine flu here in Houston, so I'm spending the next couple of days hanging out with him. Marc, with his superior knowledge of everything, thinks all this is over-hyped sensationalism that is completely ridiculous. I agree he has a point. For instance, closing down random schools... so the middle school is closed, but the elementary and high school, where students may have siblings, are open? And all the malls are open, so instead of going to school, people are congregating in other public spots - not exactly helping stop the spread of the virus if some of these people are infected. I'm sure officials are just covering their asses, in case this thing turns out to be real. I told Marc that if I were in the 2ww or even stimming, I probably would not watch Anthony (our friend's 2 year old). His school had a confirmed case and in the off chance I was pregnant or stimming to become pregnant (spending lots of money) I wouldn't want to get sick and throw a cycle away. I still don't want to throw a cycle away, and if I do get sick, I will be pissed, but since I know I'm not pg and only taking Provera to get my period, I figure I should help out since I can.
So that's what my plans are for the week. I was going to maybe visit my sister, but probably not now. I'll just be taking my Provera, hoping to get my period before I take all the pills, and watching Anthony.
So that's what my plans are for the week. I was going to maybe visit my sister, but probably not now. I'll just be taking my Provera, hoping to get my period before I take all the pills, and watching Anthony.
Friday, May 1, 2009
It's May Day
The first of ten days of Provera.... done! Yay! Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and the day I can upgrade my cell phone - yay! Marc says we can't afford i.Phones for both of us. Well, really either of us. So I don't know what we're going to get.
I'm trying to stay positive about the beginning of something great; a wonderful cycle where I'll get (AND STAY) pregnant. I also need to make a list of things to ask Dr. M. about at our May 12 phone appointment. By then, I will be done with the Provera, and hopefully really, really close to starting my period, and starting all the doctor visits, bloodwork and scans, injections, and obsessing over everything...
I'm trying to stay positive about the beginning of something great; a wonderful cycle where I'll get (AND STAY) pregnant. I also need to make a list of things to ask Dr. M. about at our May 12 phone appointment. By then, I will be done with the Provera, and hopefully really, really close to starting my period, and starting all the doctor visits, bloodwork and scans, injections, and obsessing over everything...
*sigh*
So today is the day. (Technically.) It is 1:29am right now, so it's officially May. And officially the day I get my rx for Provera. After this long wait that feels like it has dragged on for forever. And I'm quite sad. I don't want to POAS tomorrow because I know it will be negative and it just breaks my heart knowing that I have to look at a negative pee stick tomorrow morning. It just really, really sucks and I'm already devastated. I know it'll be a step forward in this process that will eventually lead to a baby, but right now it just hurts.
Oh yeah. And I finally pooped tonight.
Oh yeah. And I finally pooped tonight.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Way TMI :::warning:::
But...
I can't poop! WTF? I've been eating like shit all week (yesterday fettuccine alfredo for lunch and the leftovers for dinner) today a muffin, mini burger from Sonic, chips and queso and enchiladas, rice and beans, light ice cream (cuz you know I don't need those calories) with hot fudge and a couple twizzlers. Yeah. Am big fatzo. And feel like big fatzo. And yesterday pooped very easily after lunch, then nothing after dinner. It was difficult. I felt last night and feel today like I need to but can't. And I'm taking my wheat grass! That stuff really helps things along. Not since yesterday afternoon unfortunately. *whine* This sucks... I'm not even on any medicines... I want to poooo-ooop... :( I need to eat better. That may help. But come on wheat grass! Work your intestinal magic!
I bought my baby aspirin and scared the shit out of a nurse (let's call her S) over at the clinic. I called and basically bombarded her with questions (only four, really) and now I have another and I really want to call her again and scare her again. I'm evil heeheehee...
The first: I was wondering if my luteal phase was short because after the med. cycles, I never make it to beta - I always start the period 3-4 days early. So, short LP. I thought that may account for something? Apparently not since its medicated... hmm.. will possibly post and ask to get other expert opinions...
Second: I wanted to have it marked in my chart that I would like to stim for longer this cycle than the last. A "low and slow" approach. I was told that they start me at one unit (75ius) and that is low. So, there you go. Humph. I will then be requesting that I stay low when they bump me up.
The third: What do they look for before testing for the Beta-3 integrin? Except I totally murdered what it's actually called (I called it the endometrial intigin 3 biopsy) and she told me she had no idea what that was. I think she could have figured it out but she said she was new there, so wasn't really sure and that I should ask Dr. M when I talk to her (which - see below).
The fourth: If I could take baby aspirin. I've asked before and told I didn't really need to. Come to find out (from this nurse - not my normal who I don't really like - we'll call her D) that it's SOP for IVF patients and that it wouldn't really hurt, which is what I thought this whole time!!! I'm SO mad! I mean, hello? One of my proteins that affect clotting was slightly elevated! What could it hurt? Could it possibly, even in the littlest, slightest bit help? Then, ok! Let me do it! It's freaking aspirin for fuck's sake! Fucking cow.
I want to call tomorrow and ask her (S) if they test my progesterone with CD3 b/w and during stims, or if they ever have. Because I wonder if I have low progesterone levels. And I want to ask her (new or not) because she's so nice while my regular nurse is out of town. She (D) just makes me feel like my questions are stupid but dammit! I want to be educated. And if they are stupid, then explain it and I won't bother you. Don't just blow me off. Ugh. Anyway, she suggested I set up an appointment with Dr. M. because it sounded like I had a lot of questions about my treatment plan. So I set one up. For MAY 12. That is the first time she is available to talk to me! I can't believe it! Hopefully I'll be near CD3 anyway, so...
I know I go through spurts where I drive them all crazy up there with all my calls and questions, and I know that most of them are stupid because I start scaring myself into thinking I may possibly have a low this or have a defective that. I just am scared. I really don't want to go to IVF and discover something new wrong. I don't want another loss before we get more tests. I just want to know, now. And I know its unreasonable to test me for every fucking thing under the sun, but you know what? I don't care. I think part of it is that I found this super cool website (thanks TTTC boards) that explains hormone levels on the CD they're taken and what it all means! Hallelujah! So now, I'll know exactly how "within normal range" I am. Out of the dark! No more talking over my head for some of this stuff! Now I want to test it out, lol. And use it to help develop new anxiety.
And damn. This will be my second post of the day. Fuck. I tried to keep today's short and non-ramble-y. Guess I fail.
I can't poop! WTF? I've been eating like shit all week (yesterday fettuccine alfredo for lunch and the leftovers for dinner) today a muffin, mini burger from Sonic, chips and queso and enchiladas, rice and beans, light ice cream (cuz you know I don't need those calories) with hot fudge and a couple twizzlers. Yeah. Am big fatzo. And feel like big fatzo. And yesterday pooped very easily after lunch, then nothing after dinner. It was difficult. I felt last night and feel today like I need to but can't. And I'm taking my wheat grass! That stuff really helps things along. Not since yesterday afternoon unfortunately. *whine* This sucks... I'm not even on any medicines... I want to poooo-ooop... :( I need to eat better. That may help. But come on wheat grass! Work your intestinal magic!
I bought my baby aspirin and scared the shit out of a nurse (let's call her S) over at the clinic. I called and basically bombarded her with questions (only four, really) and now I have another and I really want to call her again and scare her again. I'm evil heeheehee...
The first: I was wondering if my luteal phase was short because after the med. cycles, I never make it to beta - I always start the period 3-4 days early. So, short LP. I thought that may account for something? Apparently not since its medicated... hmm.. will possibly post and ask to get other expert opinions...
Second: I wanted to have it marked in my chart that I would like to stim for longer this cycle than the last. A "low and slow" approach. I was told that they start me at one unit (75ius) and that is low. So, there you go. Humph. I will then be requesting that I stay low when they bump me up.
The third: What do they look for before testing for the Beta-3 integrin? Except I totally murdered what it's actually called (I called it the endometrial intigin 3 biopsy) and she told me she had no idea what that was. I think she could have figured it out but she said she was new there, so wasn't really sure and that I should ask Dr. M when I talk to her (which - see below).
The fourth: If I could take baby aspirin. I've asked before and told I didn't really need to. Come to find out (from this nurse - not my normal who I don't really like - we'll call her D) that it's SOP for IVF patients and that it wouldn't really hurt, which is what I thought this whole time!!! I'm SO mad! I mean, hello? One of my proteins that affect clotting was slightly elevated! What could it hurt? Could it possibly, even in the littlest, slightest bit help? Then, ok! Let me do it! It's freaking aspirin for fuck's sake! Fucking cow.
I want to call tomorrow and ask her (S) if they test my progesterone with CD3 b/w and during stims, or if they ever have. Because I wonder if I have low progesterone levels. And I want to ask her (new or not) because she's so nice while my regular nurse is out of town. She (D) just makes me feel like my questions are stupid but dammit! I want to be educated. And if they are stupid, then explain it and I won't bother you. Don't just blow me off. Ugh. Anyway, she suggested I set up an appointment with Dr. M. because it sounded like I had a lot of questions about my treatment plan. So I set one up. For MAY 12. That is the first time she is available to talk to me! I can't believe it! Hopefully I'll be near CD3 anyway, so...
I know I go through spurts where I drive them all crazy up there with all my calls and questions, and I know that most of them are stupid because I start scaring myself into thinking I may possibly have a low this or have a defective that. I just am scared. I really don't want to go to IVF and discover something new wrong. I don't want another loss before we get more tests. I just want to know, now. And I know its unreasonable to test me for every fucking thing under the sun, but you know what? I don't care. I think part of it is that I found this super cool website (thanks TTTC boards) that explains hormone levels on the CD they're taken and what it all means! Hallelujah! So now, I'll know exactly how "within normal range" I am. Out of the dark! No more talking over my head for some of this stuff! Now I want to test it out, lol. And use it to help develop new anxiety.
And damn. This will be my second post of the day. Fuck. I tried to keep today's short and non-ramble-y. Guess I fail.
Man
I was reading over my last posts and wow. I sure do ramble. I mean as I'm reading, I realize I basically spew whatever thought pops into my head out onto this blog, but I didn't realize how ramble-y and jump-y and all over the place I was. I understand it, but I suppose I'm used to that kind of chaos in my head.
So I'll keep this uncharacteristically short. I'm going to buy baby aspirin today after reading all the great benefits concerning IF. I'm going to try and stop worrying that I have a uterus that fights being pregnant and not call and demand more testing (like the integrin 3 biopsy). I'm doing laundry. And that is all.
So I'll keep this uncharacteristically short. I'm going to buy baby aspirin today after reading all the great benefits concerning IF. I'm going to try and stop worrying that I have a uterus that fights being pregnant and not call and demand more testing (like the integrin 3 biopsy). I'm doing laundry. And that is all.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I went to UsRBabies today;
I deserve a medal.
Please give it to me now.
Thank you.
Yes, I went to baby heaven and saw pregnant people, newborns and all sorts of other babies. I saw mothers/grandmas shopping with their daughters/new mommies and baby. I saw significant others' shopping with pregnant others. I saw baby furniture and bedding and strollers and swings and slings (oh my!). And the tiniest little stripe-y socks ever.
And I didn't cry. (Which, my god, I realize how fucking sappy that must make me now. I used to never cry. Now I cry all the time, or at least well up.) And I didn't glare. And I kept my bitter, resentful, infertile self to a minimum in my head. And I melted a little. I saw a beautiful crib on sale and wanted to buy it and then go stick in our storage unit and not feel that guilty when I explained the credit card charge because Marc? He would indulge me my craziness.
Which is what I probably wouldn't have done anyway, though SIL was with me. (Because she would have thought I had TOTALLY gone off my rocker if I had pulled that shit with her.) But it did keep me from calling Marc and explaining the beauty of THIS. CRIB. RIGHT. HERE. and SALE!!! to which he would have been pretty shocked and speechless at me wanting to buy a crib.
And I have a confession. I snuck another pee. I know, I know, I know... I haven't been sleeping well. I constantly think about it and its that damn last pregnancy's fault. I just lie/lay awake thinking about it. And I just have to know. I just have to. It's like I need to prepare myself for something bad, because honestly, either way? Would bring issues. I mean, if negative (which it was and will be for this break cycle - duh) I am so sad. So, so sad. So bummed. So broken. But then I have a plan for next cycle. And if positive,
I mean just typing the possibility of it had me sitting here speechless. But the insane worry and stress and preparation of it being bad, but the hope that its not and the joy of just actually being and... oh my god. Either way, total roller coaster. So I have this need to know and prepare myself. For my period. Or for the number.
I swear, for someone with losses, sometimes the thought of being pregnant is scarier than the fear of not being pregnant at all.
And now I need to take a break from my own head and escape into TV, the boards, Sudoku or my book.
Please give it to me now.
Thank you.
Yes, I went to baby heaven and saw pregnant people, newborns and all sorts of other babies. I saw mothers/grandmas shopping with their daughters/new mommies and baby. I saw significant others' shopping with pregnant others. I saw baby furniture and bedding and strollers and swings and slings (oh my!). And the tiniest little stripe-y socks ever.
And I didn't cry. (Which, my god, I realize how fucking sappy that must make me now. I used to never cry. Now I cry all the time, or at least well up.) And I didn't glare. And I kept my bitter, resentful, infertile self to a minimum in my head. And I melted a little. I saw a beautiful crib on sale and wanted to buy it and then go stick in our storage unit and not feel that guilty when I explained the credit card charge because Marc? He would indulge me my craziness.
Which is what I probably wouldn't have done anyway, though SIL was with me. (Because she would have thought I had TOTALLY gone off my rocker if I had pulled that shit with her.) But it did keep me from calling Marc and explaining the beauty of THIS. CRIB. RIGHT. HERE. and SALE!!! to which he would have been pretty shocked and speechless at me wanting to buy a crib.
And I have a confession. I snuck another pee. I know, I know, I know... I haven't been sleeping well. I constantly think about it and its that damn last pregnancy's fault. I just lie/lay awake thinking about it. And I just have to know. I just have to. It's like I need to prepare myself for something bad, because honestly, either way? Would bring issues. I mean, if negative (which it was and will be for this break cycle - duh) I am so sad. So, so sad. So bummed. So broken. But then I have a plan for next cycle. And if positive,
I mean just typing the possibility of it had me sitting here speechless. But the insane worry and stress and preparation of it being bad, but the hope that its not and the joy of just actually being and... oh my god. Either way, total roller coaster. So I have this need to know and prepare myself. For my period. Or for the number.
I swear, for someone with losses, sometimes the thought of being pregnant is scarier than the fear of not being pregnant at all.
And now I need to take a break from my own head and escape into TV, the boards, Sudoku or my book.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Do you think
I can become a follower to my own blog? I could be the first :)
Oh yeah... approx 22 minutes until CD 31... which is only 3 days until CD 35. I'll actually be calling the clinic this week! Yea!
I'm also planning a trip to Huntsville to visit my sister. Maybe Wednesday. That should be fun. I found out today that my car's inspection sticker expired in February. I blame Marc as he is responsible for car stuff. He claims that is not in his area, and I should be a responsible adult and take care of it on my own. Buh wah??? Respo..? huh? So tomorrow I suppose I'll be going to take care of that before I get a ticket.
In other car news, I've been looking at SUV's and crossovers and etc. at Carmax. You know, because we'll soon need it when I'm knocked up with the very least twins, but most likely triplets and have our huge dog. Then we'll have to trade to a van or something equally attractive and 'family-with-the-hugest-dog-ever friendly'. And won't that be sweet. lol. I am actually excited about getting a bigger car - as a close to six foot tall woman, I like the leg room and being slightly higher off the ground. I've wanted one for a while, but couldn't afford one when I bought my car and now love the gas mileage on my little Honda. But that is just another thing I am looking forward to in my new life, when we have a baby, a new house and a dog. Ah, limbo just rocks.
Oh yeah, and also? I applied for a job as a local, nation-wide pharmacy store manager two weeks ago. Yeah. I have a business degree and customer service skills. That would qualify me, right? Yet I have yet to hear back... so embarrassing. So I applied again. That'll get me hired, right?
I'm tired. And feeling pretty meh, as the tone to this post can attest.
Oh yeah... approx 22 minutes until CD 31... which is only 3 days until CD 35. I'll actually be calling the clinic this week! Yea!
I'm also planning a trip to Huntsville to visit my sister. Maybe Wednesday. That should be fun. I found out today that my car's inspection sticker expired in February. I blame Marc as he is responsible for car stuff. He claims that is not in his area, and I should be a responsible adult and take care of it on my own. Buh wah??? Respo..? huh? So tomorrow I suppose I'll be going to take care of that before I get a ticket.
In other car news, I've been looking at SUV's and crossovers and etc. at Carmax. You know, because we'll soon need it when I'm knocked up with the very least twins, but most likely triplets and have our huge dog. Then we'll have to trade to a van or something equally attractive and 'family-with-the-hugest-dog-ever friendly'. And won't that be sweet. lol. I am actually excited about getting a bigger car - as a close to six foot tall woman, I like the leg room and being slightly higher off the ground. I've wanted one for a while, but couldn't afford one when I bought my car and now love the gas mileage on my little Honda. But that is just another thing I am looking forward to in my new life, when we have a baby, a new house and a dog. Ah, limbo just rocks.
Oh yeah, and also? I applied for a job as a local, nation-wide pharmacy store manager two weeks ago. Yeah. I have a business degree and customer service skills. That would qualify me, right? Yet I have yet to hear back... so embarrassing. So I applied again. That'll get me hired, right?
I'm tired. And feeling pretty meh, as the tone to this post can attest.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Six Days...
until Provera! We're babysitting the puppies tonight while SIL goes to a party. I've decided to add a picture of just how cute these puppies will be when they get a little older, because I don't think many people know about mastiffs. I mean, look how freaking cute that puppy is! Adorable!! This is just a generic mastiff puppy - I'm not sure on the age.
We just got back from Costco and eating Freebirds, and man am I full. Ugh. So full. I ate way too much. And I've been super moody and hormonal and have been having incredibly vivid dreams. I keep hoping this means that AF is on her way, without Provera, but I doubt it. Today also marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. I know some people have been coming out on Facebook, but there is no way I would do that. Not that I'm ashamed of my infertility, but I just don't want people I barely know knowing that much about me. I am a member of Resolve on Facebook, so people can go see that about me, but it's pretty passive and doesn't really invite conversation. And I'm kinda mad, because there's been something I was wanting to post about, but it has completely slipped my mind. How annoying!!
Friday, April 24, 2009
MIL Visit - Check
So the MIL is gone. She was here for a short while and now she has left. As a result, the past week has flown by and I am gearing up for the weekend (and by gearing up I mean sitting here wondering how it's the weekend already).
I have a little secret. And it's just so stupid. SO STUPID. I keep yelling that at myself because I feel the need to berate myself for doing this... I peed. On a Stick. Last night. OMFG how dumb am I? Let me count the ways... I mean, it's just ridiculous.
1 - It's a break cycle, which mean the chance of something... so low... there are no meds!
2 - Even if I were, it is way too early!! Today is CD 28. Which means I should be starting my period today. Which means, if I listen to those commercials, I shouldn't be taking a HPT until 5 days AFTER my missed period. So yesterday? Not the right time.
I mean duh. I am most shamed by this. Of course it was negative. At least it was only a $1 test. No more testing until next Friday. I just keep hoping I'll get AF so I don't have to worry about taking Provera. That would be the best* thing ever!
This weekend we're going to my parents for the birthdays. Like I mentioned in my previous post there have been 3 birthdays in 2 days in my family. One of those was my SIL, which is why my MIL came into town. The other two were my dad and brother (on the same day). So this weekend, we're getting together for that and my mom's birthday, which is next weekend. My entire family (mom, dad, bro, sis) all have birthdays within less than one month of each other. Mine is the lone outlier. I suppose we'll get together for my sister's birthday and Mother's (barf) Day soon.
*Well, obviously not THE best, but we're working on the not-pregnant assumption
I have a little secret. And it's just so stupid. SO STUPID. I keep yelling that at myself because I feel the need to berate myself for doing this... I peed. On a Stick. Last night. OMFG how dumb am I? Let me count the ways... I mean, it's just ridiculous.
1 - It's a break cycle, which mean the chance of something... so low... there are no meds!
2 - Even if I were, it is way too early!! Today is CD 28. Which means I should be starting my period today. Which means, if I listen to those commercials, I shouldn't be taking a HPT until 5 days AFTER my missed period. So yesterday? Not the right time.
I mean duh. I am most shamed by this. Of course it was negative. At least it was only a $1 test. No more testing until next Friday. I just keep hoping I'll get AF so I don't have to worry about taking Provera. That would be the best* thing ever!
This weekend we're going to my parents for the birthdays. Like I mentioned in my previous post there have been 3 birthdays in 2 days in my family. One of those was my SIL, which is why my MIL came into town. The other two were my dad and brother (on the same day). So this weekend, we're getting together for that and my mom's birthday, which is next weekend. My entire family (mom, dad, bro, sis) all have birthdays within less than one month of each other. Mine is the lone outlier. I suppose we'll get together for my sister's birthday and Mother's (barf) Day soon.
*Well, obviously not THE best, but we're working on the not-pregnant assumption
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The past couple of days
Not a whole lot has been happening... I'm counting down the days until CD 35 (10 days from now - whoopee!), fluctuating between being super excited about the puppy and freaking out about the storage situation and celebrating birthdays.
We're on a break cycle, which means I'm drinking. There have been three family birthdays in the matter of 2 days. So yea! Happy B-day and all that. So Sunday night I go out with my SIL and a couple other people. Marc hits the first bar with us, then goes home (like an intelligent person). We continue on. Now, I have not gone out in a while. A long while. Needless to say, my tolerance for the alcohol is pretty low. So when I continue drinking on an empty stomach (SO smart, I am) it is no shock that I end up drunk. It is a shock that I am so sick the next day, I couldn't keep anything down before 1:00 pm. This was yesterday. Today I'm feeling better. THANK GOD. I'm glad I got that out of my system, because I have a feeling its going to be a long time before I do that again - hopefully not until 2010. It's likely that another break cycle will result in me going to a bar, although not being as crazy.
Marc's mom is coming in town tomorrow, so I planned to spend the day cleaning and re-hydrating myself. Just taking it easy and making sure I'm 100% and feeling normal. I decide that I can put off cleaning the house until tomorrow (the day she gets here), because 1) I am lazy and 2) I didn't feel like cleaning and 3) I wanted to make Marc feel a little bad because I think he's been slacking on his part of the chore situation around here (which makes me feel bad, because I'm unemployed, so taking care of the house IS my job... while he's at work all day making, you know, real money to support us) and I knew that if I were cleaning in front of him he'd feel bad. But it's HARD to clean up someone else's (adult) mess every day.
So procrastination. This - I am good at. Did some grocery shopping and what not and had a wonderful day feeling better. Until I got a phone call for a house showing. They wanted to see the house in less than an hour. ARGGGH. So I busted ass and cleaned the hell out of my house.
I realize the irony of bitching about a showing (which really I'm not - I'm more bitching at the timing) when I'm freaked that we won't sell it. And I realize that if I really wanted to bitch about timing, the showing would have been yesterday when I felt like complete and utter shite. But you know. It was still a PITA. But at least my house is clean for MIL and I don't have to clean it tomorrow.
Today a thought struck me... its one I've had for a while, although not necessarily in this context. So I was thinking - when will I have learned? I grew up with a religious upbringing, and part of me still thinks that somehow, God is trying to teach me something. That God won't let me get (and stay - a very important distinction) pregnant, that I still have something to discover, to prove to... something. I don't really know. And I don't even believe it, this grown-up "Catholic school girl guilt" if you know what I mean. Some way for me to rationalize why I haven't been able to get/stay pregnant. That I won't be blessed with a child until - fill in the blank. And, rationally, I know this is a load of shit, this imaginary test I must pass to be good enough to be a mother, but I still catch myself thinking it sometimes.
And, so not to end on such a serious note - the puppies are opening their eyes! It's so cute. They're finally starting to stand a little and and getting bigger and bigger. I can't wait until they're older and even cuter. Right now, it doesn't look like we'll be bringing home a puppy until the beginning of June, so there's some relief there, but I'm still feeling the pressure to sell this house.
We're on a break cycle, which means I'm drinking. There have been three family birthdays in the matter of 2 days. So yea! Happy B-day and all that. So Sunday night I go out with my SIL and a couple other people. Marc hits the first bar with us, then goes home (like an intelligent person). We continue on. Now, I have not gone out in a while. A long while. Needless to say, my tolerance for the alcohol is pretty low. So when I continue drinking on an empty stomach (SO smart, I am) it is no shock that I end up drunk. It is a shock that I am so sick the next day, I couldn't keep anything down before 1:00 pm. This was yesterday. Today I'm feeling better. THANK GOD. I'm glad I got that out of my system, because I have a feeling its going to be a long time before I do that again - hopefully not until 2010. It's likely that another break cycle will result in me going to a bar, although not being as crazy.
Marc's mom is coming in town tomorrow, so I planned to spend the day cleaning and re-hydrating myself. Just taking it easy and making sure I'm 100% and feeling normal. I decide that I can put off cleaning the house until tomorrow (the day she gets here), because 1) I am lazy and 2) I didn't feel like cleaning and 3) I wanted to make Marc feel a little bad because I think he's been slacking on his part of the chore situation around here (which makes me feel bad, because I'm unemployed, so taking care of the house IS my job... while he's at work all day making, you know, real money to support us) and I knew that if I were cleaning in front of him he'd feel bad. But it's HARD to clean up someone else's (adult) mess every day.
So procrastination. This - I am good at. Did some grocery shopping and what not and had a wonderful day feeling better. Until I got a phone call for a house showing. They wanted to see the house in less than an hour. ARGGGH. So I busted ass and cleaned the hell out of my house.
I realize the irony of bitching about a showing (which really I'm not - I'm more bitching at the timing) when I'm freaked that we won't sell it. And I realize that if I really wanted to bitch about timing, the showing would have been yesterday when I felt like complete and utter shite. But you know. It was still a PITA. But at least my house is clean for MIL and I don't have to clean it tomorrow.
Today a thought struck me... its one I've had for a while, although not necessarily in this context. So I was thinking - when will I have learned? I grew up with a religious upbringing, and part of me still thinks that somehow, God is trying to teach me something. That God won't let me get (and stay - a very important distinction) pregnant, that I still have something to discover, to prove to... something. I don't really know. And I don't even believe it, this grown-up "Catholic school girl guilt" if you know what I mean. Some way for me to rationalize why I haven't been able to get/stay pregnant. That I won't be blessed with a child until - fill in the blank. And, rationally, I know this is a load of shit, this imaginary test I must pass to be good enough to be a mother, but I still catch myself thinking it sometimes.
And, so not to end on such a serious note - the puppies are opening their eyes! It's so cute. They're finally starting to stand a little and and getting bigger and bigger. I can't wait until they're older and even cuter. Right now, it doesn't look like we'll be bringing home a puppy until the beginning of June, so there's some relief there, but I'm still feeling the pressure to sell this house.
Friday, April 17, 2009
All Anxiety All the Time
So after reading back my last entry, I realize how neurotic I've been. Because now, I have a whole new set of worries. We are getting a puppy. This is something I've dreamed about for years. I've wanted to move and get a house with a yard so we could have a dog since... um, well... spring of 2006. Seriously. So the fact that we are now getting a puppy has me excited beyond belief.
So I've been researching and trying to see what we need for a puppy and dog and now I'm starting to freak out a little bit. We're getting a mastiff. We haven't had a showing in over a week. We bought a crate. We have nowhere to put it. We bought some puppy food. We have nowhere to put a puppy's bowl. We have nowhere to put the cats food so the dog won't get it. We are stuck in this house. Cue anxiety. I need someone to buy our house NOW. Before, we were pretty laissez-faire about selling the house. That was before. Now, we need to get rid of it and in a new house with a yard and more space.
When I bought the crate, it barely fit into my car. Now, we plan on taking the dog with us when we go to San Antonio, and taking the fold-able crate for the dog while we're there. Or, if not that, taking the dog to my parents' so they can watch it - but also taking the crate for her to sleep in. So how in God's name are we going to take us, the crate and the dog in our cars? Anywhere? In either of them?? Cue panic. We were planning on getting an SUV when we had a baby. Well... now I'm thinking we should get a SUV ASAP.
And after reading the last post about anxiousness of where we would move - well, I'm still worried about that, but now I'm MUCH more worried about actually selling this damn house and being able to move. After so much time wanting to move... it makes me mad we didn't list our house earlier. I should have demanded it. But someone wanted to wait. I brought it up to the point of nagging. And was put off for excuse after excuse. And now the market is shit and we don't have room for our dog and we're never going to sell and we won't be able to go anywhere.
**deep breaths**
It will all work out. We will be fine. Soon I'll be sitting in my new house, pregnant or with my baby, husband and dog, with a wonderful job freaking out about something else. Limbo will be over. And this will be a distant memory.
PS - and also - we so didn't score another break cycle BFP. I can just feel it. Counting down the days to Provera time.
So I've been researching and trying to see what we need for a puppy and dog and now I'm starting to freak out a little bit. We're getting a mastiff. We haven't had a showing in over a week. We bought a crate. We have nowhere to put it. We bought some puppy food. We have nowhere to put a puppy's bowl. We have nowhere to put the cats food so the dog won't get it. We are stuck in this house. Cue anxiety. I need someone to buy our house NOW. Before, we were pretty laissez-faire about selling the house. That was before. Now, we need to get rid of it and in a new house with a yard and more space.
When I bought the crate, it barely fit into my car. Now, we plan on taking the dog with us when we go to San Antonio, and taking the fold-able crate for the dog while we're there. Or, if not that, taking the dog to my parents' so they can watch it - but also taking the crate for her to sleep in. So how in God's name are we going to take us, the crate and the dog in our cars? Anywhere? In either of them?? Cue panic. We were planning on getting an SUV when we had a baby. Well... now I'm thinking we should get a SUV ASAP.
And after reading the last post about anxiousness of where we would move - well, I'm still worried about that, but now I'm MUCH more worried about actually selling this damn house and being able to move. After so much time wanting to move... it makes me mad we didn't list our house earlier. I should have demanded it. But someone wanted to wait. I brought it up to the point of nagging. And was put off for excuse after excuse. And now the market is shit and we don't have room for our dog and we're never going to sell and we won't be able to go anywhere.
**deep breaths**
It will all work out. We will be fine. Soon I'll be sitting in my new house, pregnant or with my baby, husband and dog, with a wonderful job freaking out about something else. Limbo will be over. And this will be a distant memory.
PS - and also - we so didn't score another break cycle BFP. I can just feel it. Counting down the days to Provera time.
Friday, April 10, 2009
"You Can Drink Now, Right?"
Yes, unfortunately. So nothing really happening on the IF front. Still in the middle of a break cycle. Still trying to make the best of the break cycle. Doing the procreation dance every other day to up our chances. Taking (worthless) OPK sticks every morning. And having (TMI) a whole SHITLOAD of CM. I mean, dripping down my leg lot. Seems really weird to me. I've never had this happen before. And its obviously not fertile CM, because of the drippiness and non-egg-white-ness- feeling. So, I wonder what it means. Must be an overabundance of some hormone or something right? Maybe from all the procreation dancing (I'm testing this phrase to see if I like it or if it sounds a little... gai).
In other news... Puppies! Were! Born! Euchre had 7 puppies; 5 boys (hmmph) and 2 girls. Since Amy, Marc and I are all partial to girl dogs, we were a little saddened (well, me and Amy especially, since I think Marc was feeling defensive about his gender there) about all the boys. But they're here! And they are all healthy and doing great! Euchre isa great mom, cleaning them and being super protective of them and feeding them. Marc and I were there for the births of the last 6 (we just missed the first born) and I actually caught the 7th as it was coming out of her (she was standing up and I didn't want it to fall on the floor). Overall, the birthing process went from 1:30pm to 8:30pm, which is pretty normal. Marc and I are struggling over names right now. I've got a list going of the ones we like, but girl names are so much harder than boy names. We seriously have over ten boy names we like. But very few we both like for girls. We'll find something though.
I've applied to a school district to teach in and am working on applying to more. I didn't realize the application process would require a writing sample about you had a success story with a child (thanks KISD for that load of shite) so its taking some time. Job fairs should be coming up soon. I'm super nervous about the prospect of teaching, but know that I NEED a job! Especially for when we sell the house and then are making mortgage payments on a more expensive one. Eek!
Speaking of the house, we seem to have a couple of interested parties, but no offers. The outside was just painted, so that's nice... all we need now are some offers!! Of course, my big fear now is that we'll have no idea where to move to once the house is sold and we'll have to make some big decisions quickly. Of course, if all this could happen in time for the puppy to come home (to the new house) that would be GREAT. So we don't have to worry about a puppy in the house we're trying to sell.
In other news... Puppies! Were! Born! Euchre had 7 puppies; 5 boys (hmmph) and 2 girls. Since Amy, Marc and I are all partial to girl dogs, we were a little saddened (well, me and Amy especially, since I think Marc was feeling defensive about his gender there) about all the boys. But they're here! And they are all healthy and doing great! Euchre isa great mom, cleaning them and being super protective of them and feeding them. Marc and I were there for the births of the last 6 (we just missed the first born) and I actually caught the 7th as it was coming out of her (she was standing up and I didn't want it to fall on the floor). Overall, the birthing process went from 1:30pm to 8:30pm, which is pretty normal. Marc and I are struggling over names right now. I've got a list going of the ones we like, but girl names are so much harder than boy names. We seriously have over ten boy names we like. But very few we both like for girls. We'll find something though.
I've applied to a school district to teach in and am working on applying to more. I didn't realize the application process would require a writing sample about you had a success story with a child (thanks KISD for that load of shite) so its taking some time. Job fairs should be coming up soon. I'm super nervous about the prospect of teaching, but know that I NEED a job! Especially for when we sell the house and then are making mortgage payments on a more expensive one. Eek!
Speaking of the house, we seem to have a couple of interested parties, but no offers. The outside was just painted, so that's nice... all we need now are some offers!! Of course, my big fear now is that we'll have no idea where to move to once the house is sold and we'll have to make some big decisions quickly. Of course, if all this could happen in time for the puppy to come home (to the new house) that would be GREAT. So we don't have to worry about a puppy in the house we're trying to sell.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Temper Tantrum Over
So yesterday I threw a bit of a fit. I was pissed and upset. Today I feel... better. Not quite so angry. I mean, it still SUCKS, but a forced break is a part of IF life. I felt a ton better after talking to Marc yesterday. We looked at what we did the last break cycle when we got pregnant and are going to do everything we can to have that happen again. Starting on cycle day 10, I'm going to take OPK tests and we're going to have sex every other day for a week or two. I really just cannot imagine that my body would ovulate on a break cycle again, but we're going to try. So, although we aren't really doing anything, it still feels like we're taking control of what we can. And that makes me feel better.
To me, it's incredibly weird that we are in the same pattern as before. Pregnancy, miscarriage, negative IUI, break cycle. There are several big differences, of course, but... it's pretty interesting. I can only hope that the pattern continues in the same fashion for just one more step. And only one more step.
I also put my finger on what I dislike about the nurse I'm assigned to. I feel like she doesn't really know me and my situation. I know her IVF patients require more time and I'm sure she tries harder with them... but I still feel like she should try to get to know me more. (Whenever I talk to Dr. M I feel like she knows me and cares. And I know she has a hell of a lot more patients than the stupid nurse.) This whole process is so personal and intimate - yet with her, I get platitudes and she talks to me in a very fake way. She says that she's "bummed for us because we on a break and oooh man!" in her high pitched fake voice that she normally doesn't talk to people with. When she's serious she talks normally... half the time I don't believe a word she's saying she feels. And I hate that she drums the 'be positive!' 'everything's going to be good!' into me and makes me feel bad when I don't feel that way. Marc brought up the point that she has to be positive or people would complain... I just don't want to be browbeat-ed into feeling that way when I don't. I think I should be allowed to feel down and defeated once in a while. Ugh. I just hate her. The sooner I get pregnant and graduate and don't have to deal with her the better.
Maybe I should ask to be reassigned. But I'm not doing IVF so I feel bad, which, in turn angers me. Most people not doing IVF don't get assigned a nurse, which is stupid to me - everyone should have an assigned nurse. If they're going to offer other ARTs then they should treat everyone the same - not like some stepchildren because we aren't ready for IVF and possibly can't afford it. (I also have a huge problem with clinics charging regular people so much money for all of this and then giving insurance companies discounts - what's that about anyway? pisses me off....)
Anyway, I don't really know what I'm going to do about this. I guess I'll stay with her until something really pisses me off. I got kinda snipy with her yesterday on the phone. I made it clear that I didn't like the blood test, even though I knew why they had to do it. It doesn't feel like she listens to me (or even likes me). Before I could even say that I knew why they had to do it, she was telling me and kind of arguing with me about it. When I was agreeing with her! I basically took some of my bad mood out on her, but overall was just very upset. She didn't help at all. Not that I feel too bad about it - I didn't appreciate the false tones she was talking to me in and she didn't try to make me feel better about anything. AARGGHHH.. Ok. I'm just done talking about this. We'll see what happens. I know she has a good IUI success rate. I'm not going to do anything for now.
To me, it's incredibly weird that we are in the same pattern as before. Pregnancy, miscarriage, negative IUI, break cycle. There are several big differences, of course, but... it's pretty interesting. I can only hope that the pattern continues in the same fashion for just one more step. And only one more step.
I also put my finger on what I dislike about the nurse I'm assigned to. I feel like she doesn't really know me and my situation. I know her IVF patients require more time and I'm sure she tries harder with them... but I still feel like she should try to get to know me more. (Whenever I talk to Dr. M I feel like she knows me and cares. And I know she has a hell of a lot more patients than the stupid nurse.) This whole process is so personal and intimate - yet with her, I get platitudes and she talks to me in a very fake way. She says that she's "bummed for us because we on a break and oooh man!" in her high pitched fake voice that she normally doesn't talk to people with. When she's serious she talks normally... half the time I don't believe a word she's saying she feels. And I hate that she drums the 'be positive!' 'everything's going to be good!' into me and makes me feel bad when I don't feel that way. Marc brought up the point that she has to be positive or people would complain... I just don't want to be browbeat-ed into feeling that way when I don't. I think I should be allowed to feel down and defeated once in a while. Ugh. I just hate her. The sooner I get pregnant and graduate and don't have to deal with her the better.
Maybe I should ask to be reassigned. But I'm not doing IVF so I feel bad, which, in turn angers me. Most people not doing IVF don't get assigned a nurse, which is stupid to me - everyone should have an assigned nurse. If they're going to offer other ARTs then they should treat everyone the same - not like some stepchildren because we aren't ready for IVF and possibly can't afford it. (I also have a huge problem with clinics charging regular people so much money for all of this and then giving insurance companies discounts - what's that about anyway? pisses me off....)
Anyway, I don't really know what I'm going to do about this. I guess I'll stay with her until something really pisses me off. I got kinda snipy with her yesterday on the phone. I made it clear that I didn't like the blood test, even though I knew why they had to do it. It doesn't feel like she listens to me (or even likes me). Before I could even say that I knew why they had to do it, she was telling me and kind of arguing with me about it. When I was agreeing with her! I basically took some of my bad mood out on her, but overall was just very upset. She didn't help at all. Not that I feel too bad about it - I didn't appreciate the false tones she was talking to me in and she didn't try to make me feel better about anything. AARGGHHH.. Ok. I'm just done talking about this. We'll see what happens. I know she has a good IUI success rate. I'm not going to do anything for now.
Monday, March 30, 2009
So Fucking Pissed
I'm just so goddamned pissed and upset right now. I just got back from the RE's. I started my period Friday, so I knew this cycle was a bust. So I was thinking, ok we'll just do a cycle day 3 scan for cysts. And, of course, I have cysts. Two big fat cysts on my right ovary. I know they're "normal" but what the fuck ever. Like I care. So we're on a forced break cycle. Yip-ee. To add insult to injury, they insisted on doing a HCG test anyway. Because all those negative pee sticks, and, I don't know, the presence of my PERIOD mean nothing apparently. And it hurt. And they can all go take a flying leap. Fuck them all. I'm just so goddamned pissed off at the world right now.
I know I technically could have had a chemical pregnancy, and I know they want to make absolutely sure I'm not pg, but really? I started my period rather early. So, no. Not likely a chem pg. And if it was, do they really think I want to know that? That my period was actually a m/c? Yes, that would be quite lovely. Miscarriage number 3. And, if I am pregnant, what are the chances that I'm actually going to stay pregnant? I just had the heaviest fucking bleeding - seriously, soaking through super tampons in two hours - so you know; great sign for a healthy pregnancy.
To top it all off, this weekend was my first estimated delivery date. So, if things hadn't gotten all FUBAR with my first pregnancy, we could have a baby right now. Isn't that thrilling to know.
I seriously just can't be happy about anything or for anyone right now. It's not fair. All these recent pregnancy announcements on the board are making me sad. And then I feel like a horrible person for being so jealous and miserable.
I could have handled (and did) a negative pg test. A negative cycle. But this forced break I can't. Because last time we were on a forced break I got pg. So now, my hopes (and even more sadly, Marc's) are going to be ridiculously high... when they shouldn't be, because that pregnancy was SUCH a fluke. I know my body doesn't work that way. And when it doesn't work and I'm not pregnant 35 days later and have to start Provera... it's just going to be a lot harder. For both of us.
May 1. 35 days later I'll test so I can start Provera. Just to get a period. May 1 before we get to start doing anything again. It feels so far away.
I know I technically could have had a chemical pregnancy, and I know they want to make absolutely sure I'm not pg, but really? I started my period rather early. So, no. Not likely a chem pg. And if it was, do they really think I want to know that? That my period was actually a m/c? Yes, that would be quite lovely. Miscarriage number 3. And, if I am pregnant, what are the chances that I'm actually going to stay pregnant? I just had the heaviest fucking bleeding - seriously, soaking through super tampons in two hours - so you know; great sign for a healthy pregnancy.
To top it all off, this weekend was my first estimated delivery date. So, if things hadn't gotten all FUBAR with my first pregnancy, we could have a baby right now. Isn't that thrilling to know.
I seriously just can't be happy about anything or for anyone right now. It's not fair. All these recent pregnancy announcements on the board are making me sad. And then I feel like a horrible person for being so jealous and miserable.
I could have handled (and did) a negative pg test. A negative cycle. But this forced break I can't. Because last time we were on a forced break I got pg. So now, my hopes (and even more sadly, Marc's) are going to be ridiculously high... when they shouldn't be, because that pregnancy was SUCH a fluke. I know my body doesn't work that way. And when it doesn't work and I'm not pregnant 35 days later and have to start Provera... it's just going to be a lot harder. For both of us.
May 1. 35 days later I'll test so I can start Provera. Just to get a period. May 1 before we get to start doing anything again. It feels so far away.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Yeah so forget everything I wrote in that last post
because I started my period last night.
Yeah.
So that feeling different thing? Not so much different as in about to start my period. Which, really... not so different. And it hur-ts and is heavy. funfunfun
Yeah.
So that feeling different thing? Not so much different as in about to start my period. Which, really... not so different. And it hur-ts and is heavy. funfunfun
Friday, March 27, 2009
A Confession
So I've been testing. Since 8dpiui. All negative. Today is 11dpiui and it's still negative. I really thought this cycle had done something - I just felt different. I know that sounds strange, but... man. I know there's still time, and that it still could have worked and that I've been testing way too early, but I just thought it would be nice if it were positive early. Oh well.
Marc saw one in the trash and asked why I tested. I gave him an excuse, because, I honestly don't know what to say to explain my actions. They're just dollar store tests. What's the big deal? I suppose he's right.
By different, I mean, that I've had super sensitive boobs all throughout (which I've been told is nothing) that I only had when I was pregnant the first time and is a symptom I thought would come back when I was pg again. My boobs feel heavier and larger and just... sore. Taking them out of a bra - man. Totally crazy. I've also been tired early, something that only happened when I was pg. I have had trouble sleeping. Vivid dreams. I was super bloated the first week (probably until 7 or 8 dpiui) and then lately I've had weird cramps. Sometimes it feels like I'm about to start my period, sometimes its just weird twinges and stuff. Actually, I guess I should say I've had that throughout the 2ww.
Maybe its just my body getting re-acclimated to all this again. All the meds and hormones. I told Marc the other night that if this worked it would be like a freaking miracle. To get pg 3 times out of 4 iuis? Man. (Granted, one of those was a break cycle and doesn't really count as a pg by iui, but still.) I told him that I wasn't expecting this first cycle back to work and that it would be like we were easing back into things and this was just a warm up. A practice run, you might say. I also told him the percentages were against us with this stuff, so he should not be surprised when it doesn't work and should be surprised when it does. I'm just being logical. He said I should be more positive. (I really wanted to remind him of the conversation we had after the 2nd m/c - he (or anyone else) doesn't get to tell me how to feel about all of this.)
I'm also afraid that by not getting a positive test yet, that means there isn't a lot of HCG in my system, which means that IF I am pg, my beta will be low. And that sucks. Because the last time I had a low beta I miscarried. And I had a negative test the Saturday night before the Monday beta. So yeah. But so, a negative test this morning. We only have a couple more days. I hope, if it is negative that AF just shows up so I don't have to get a stupid blood test.
Marc saw one in the trash and asked why I tested. I gave him an excuse, because, I honestly don't know what to say to explain my actions. They're just dollar store tests. What's the big deal? I suppose he's right.
By different, I mean, that I've had super sensitive boobs all throughout (which I've been told is nothing) that I only had when I was pregnant the first time and is a symptom I thought would come back when I was pg again. My boobs feel heavier and larger and just... sore. Taking them out of a bra - man. Totally crazy. I've also been tired early, something that only happened when I was pg. I have had trouble sleeping. Vivid dreams. I was super bloated the first week (probably until 7 or 8 dpiui) and then lately I've had weird cramps. Sometimes it feels like I'm about to start my period, sometimes its just weird twinges and stuff. Actually, I guess I should say I've had that throughout the 2ww.
Maybe its just my body getting re-acclimated to all this again. All the meds and hormones. I told Marc the other night that if this worked it would be like a freaking miracle. To get pg 3 times out of 4 iuis? Man. (Granted, one of those was a break cycle and doesn't really count as a pg by iui, but still.) I told him that I wasn't expecting this first cycle back to work and that it would be like we were easing back into things and this was just a warm up. A practice run, you might say. I also told him the percentages were against us with this stuff, so he should not be surprised when it doesn't work and should be surprised when it does. I'm just being logical. He said I should be more positive. (I really wanted to remind him of the conversation we had after the 2nd m/c - he (or anyone else) doesn't get to tell me how to feel about all of this.)
I'm also afraid that by not getting a positive test yet, that means there isn't a lot of HCG in my system, which means that IF I am pg, my beta will be low. And that sucks. Because the last time I had a low beta I miscarried. And I had a negative test the Saturday night before the Monday beta. So yeah. But so, a negative test this morning. We only have a couple more days. I hope, if it is negative that AF just shows up so I don't have to get a stupid blood test.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
What a Good Post
So I read this and decided to copy and link to the article because it brought me to tears and was just dead on. And is something I wish all my friends and family would read lol.
How to be Good Friends with an Infertile
I have quite a few ‘normal’ friends (i.e. not infertile) who read this blog. (I am so far out the closet it is frightening, even my brother and ex flirts read this blog). Imagine how confusing most of the lingo must be for them. Anyhow. Back to the point of this post. One of those friends said to me “I wish you would write about how to be a good friend to an infertile person”. Which is really sweet of her and shows she has already passed one of the requirements. So I started thinking about writing a post on this and realized what a hard task this is. How do you become a Good Friend to an Infertile?
Firstly, I have to say that this being a Good Friend to an Infertile is not an easy job at all. It is a job with fluid parameters, a thankless job sometimes and one where it might appear that no matter how hard you try, you never seem to get it right. There are times when you will be extremely busy and the job is very demanding. There are other times where you will benched, forced to sit on the outside looking in. There is not often any logic in this change of demand. Be aware of the volatility of work pressure when applying for this job. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.
Secondly, there is not a universal job description, and worst of all, your job duties will change over time. There is not a universal job description because Infertiles come in different flavors. True, one can categorize these flavors to some extent, but variations will always exist. Your eternal optimist / newbie / completely uninvolved infertile doesn’t need too much in the way of special friendship; they believe the problem is temporary and will get resolved soon. They don’t feel broken, different or an outcast. Your longer term / highly involved infertile is a very tricky beast, and is one to be handled with great caution and protective gloves (for you, not her). This person feels alienated from society and carries great pain and angst in their souls. They might not show it all the time, but there is a very sensitive, raw spot in their souls that is easily bruised. Then you get the older timers, who’ve been doing this so long it just becomes part of who they are. These infertiles have gone through the great angst and intense pain of the ‘dark years’ and have come out realizing that while infertility is shit, it is not all consuming. And instead of crying, they laugh. Because infertility is actually a comedy of errors, sometimes.
Infertiles tend to move through these stages at different pace. Which makes it very hard being a Good Friend to an Infertile, because the type of friendship involved is so different at each stage. It is very very hard being a Good Friend to someone stuck in the dark stage of infertility. It is a very painful place for an infertile to be. There is no hope, just a great deep dark sense of despair. You feel totally alienated from the rest of the world and you are consumed by your situation. Every thing hurts, and every thing has the power to hurt you. Your world shrinks to the world of infertility and you fight tooth and nail to protect the fragile hold you have on sanity. The best advice I can give to a Good Friend at this stage is to offer friendship and support, from a distance. Say things like “I am here for you if you want to talk, or not talk, or drink, or swear, or shop. But if you don’t want to that’s perfectly ok. I’ll be here waiting for you when YOU are ready to come out the cave”. If you can bear it, hang in there, your friendship should return to some semblance of its previous form once your Infertile has worked her way through her dark despair. It has nothing to do with you or you ability to friend, it has every thing to do with her coping with the horrible reality of her situation. Being a Good Friend to the eternal optimist or the good-humored veteran is a lot easier, with these few survival tips.
1. Good Friends never judge. Remember that unless
you’ve walked in the person’s shoes, you can’t say “well I would never….do IVF/terminate a pg/spend so much money on ART etc” To be honest, who likes judgmental people any way.
2. Good Friends will educate themselves about what their Infertile is going through. HUGE proviso: see point 3 before putting any thing into action. Read up about infertility so that you get a high-level understanding of the intricacies involved. Know little things like eggs are retrieved, then fertilized and they become embryos. Then the embryos are put back. Just small things so that when your infertile does share some of her world with you, you will understand. I think this shows commitment to the friendship.
3. However. Do not willy nilly offer advice, or hot off the press latest research about a fantastic new procedure that is sure to work. Remember the stuff they write about in your local woman’s magazine is stuff that your Infertile did in Infertility 101. Been there, failed that. ICSI is not a new procedure, I promise. And yes, we have heard of taking cough syrup to increase cervical mucous. Oh, and for my Aunt, yes I have heard of lying with my legs in the air after having sex. Unfortunately, I have PCOS and don’t ovulate so I could be lying with my legs in the air doing bicycle movements till the cows come home and all the sperm are going to do is mill around confused asking where the fuck the egg is, bemoaning the fact that this has been a useless trip out and they might as well have had a wank. Which goes back to Point 2. Educate yourself about your friend’s diagnosis so that you can avoid offering pointless advice.
And please, what ever you do, never, ever be so stupid as to say “just relax”. Would you say to a cancer patient “just relax”? Would you say to someone who can’t see “just relax”? Of course you wouldn’t. Plus you have to know that “just relaxing” will not change the medical diagnosis that is causing your friends infertility. Because of course you’ve done enough reading to carry on an intelligent conversation, if your Infertile decides to engage you in one.
4. Platitudes. Never ever offer platitudes. This is a totally selfish act any way because all platitudes do is make you feel better and the Infertile feel worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly stupid thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin etc”. Infertility is a medical condition. Not some factor in the universe’s bigger plan for the Infertile. Similar to “its God will”. How the fuck do you know? You have a direct connection or what? How about “are you sure you want kids?” lovingly looking at your own screaming kids. No dear, I am spending thousands and enduring physical, emotional and mental anguish just because I am obscenely stupid. Or “you can have mine”. Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke? Call me stupid. In addition, please don’t tell me about your friend/cousin/co-worker who got pg naturally after 8 years of trying. It doesn’t make me feel better, it depresses me. Good for her. It’s got nothing to do with my situation.
5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.
6. The level of involvement. Infertiles differ in the level of involvement they engage their Good Friends in. Some, like me, are pretty open about the whole thing. Every Friend and their Mother knows when I am going in for ER, ET or whatever. Other people prefer to keep their infertility private. Find out what your Infertile prefers and operate at the level she feels comfortable with.
7. Which brings to me to my final point. If you don’t know how to act, ask. I love that my friends ask me how I want them to act around me. They also know that if they ask the question “how is it going with your treatment” I will either tell them or I will say “irritating, I don’t want to talk about it now”. They totally respect that and don’t push. I have great friends.
There have been many articles written on the web about what to say and not to say to an Infertile, how the family should act etc. I wont go into those. If you are a Good Friend you will have done a little surfing and read those things anyway. Besides, this post is already way too long.
To end off, if you decide to accept the job of Good Friend to an Infertile, I applaud you. Because it is not an easy job. It really isn’t. As I have said, it’s a pretty thankless job and one in which your job description is so fluid that what is required today is wrong tomorrow. I thank those of my Good Friends who have stuck around so long with me. I know it hasn’t been easy. I appreciate your friendship, I really do.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Weird Dreams
So San Antonio was great. We didn't really do anything fun - watched movies both nights and generally didn't do anything. I had vivid dreams one night that funnily enough was very similar to one George had, which was funny. We ate great (like always) thanks to George.
So last night I had a weird dream about starting my period. :( So I guess we'll see what happens there. My boobs have already gotten less tender (I think it was the trigger that caused the sore boobies side effect in the first place - I was just hoping that some real sore boobie symptom would take its place). Anyway, so there's nothing new to report. I am 8dpiui today. I'm going to be running to the dollar store later to pick up some pee sticks, although I may wait to so I don't get tempted to pee early. I know knowing really won't make a difference in anything. But you know. Knowing would mean I would know. Ah, now I'm just talking in circles.
In other news, we got accepted into the Attain program! Whoo-hoo! So if we decide to spend $23,400 for 3 IVF and 3 FET cycles, we can. Well, I guess with a guarantee of 70% back if it doesn't work. We have 60 days to accept or not. I think we'll do a couple more IUI's before we do IVF. So we may need to re-apply later. But at least all the tests are done so if we want to or need to convert a cycle to IVF we can.
So last night I had a weird dream about starting my period. :( So I guess we'll see what happens there. My boobs have already gotten less tender (I think it was the trigger that caused the sore boobies side effect in the first place - I was just hoping that some real sore boobie symptom would take its place). Anyway, so there's nothing new to report. I am 8dpiui today. I'm going to be running to the dollar store later to pick up some pee sticks, although I may wait to so I don't get tempted to pee early. I know knowing really won't make a difference in anything. But you know. Knowing would mean I would know. Ah, now I'm just talking in circles.
In other news, we got accepted into the Attain program! Whoo-hoo! So if we decide to spend $23,400 for 3 IVF and 3 FET cycles, we can. Well, I guess with a guarantee of 70% back if it doesn't work. We have 60 days to accept or not. I think we'll do a couple more IUI's before we do IVF. So we may need to re-apply later. But at least all the tests are done so if we want to or need to convert a cycle to IVF we can.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
March the 18th
We had a showing! And they were interested! And we had a Realtor call Amy who said that she had a client who was interested (she saw the house last week)! So yay for all the interest on the house!
Today and tomorrow is when the implantation should occur, if there be any fertilized anythings to implant. We'll see. So the cleaning for the house this morning was light. And I haven't exerted myself and I plan on doing nothing but sitting on my ass all the live long rest of the day. And possibly tomorrow.
Today and tomorrow is when the implantation should occur, if there be any fertilized anythings to implant. We'll see. So the cleaning for the house this morning was light. And I haven't exerted myself and I plan on doing nothing but sitting on my ass all the live long rest of the day. And possibly tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
The BLOAT
Oh. My. God. I feel like I've gained 20 pounds. All in my stomach. The bloat is unbelievable. I'm still taking the wheat grass, but today it doesn't seem to be doing much, like it has in the past week or so. I just sit here, hoping to fart and burp to try to get rid of some of this.
And, after that lovely intro - Happy St. Patrick's Day! I plan on going up to Sherlock's with the gang today, so that's exciting. I know its so not what I "should" do while trying to get pregnant and spending lots of money to get pregnant, but I plan on drinking tonight. I just don't think its going to make a difference in whether or not I get and stay pregnant. I mean, the last two pregnancies, I was so good. I didn't drink any alcohol, much less caffeine, etc. I drank a ton of water. I ate healthier. And none of it did any good. So right now - I'm not going to stress about it. What happens will happen, whether I drink today or not. Whether I have a soda today. Or not. What I do today will not have much impact on whether I get pg (within certain limits, of course). So I plan on having a good time. I'm not going to get drunk, I'm not going to get crazy. But, I'm going to have a good time hanging out with friends. Last night, today, tonight or tomorrow morning, the sperm should fertilize the egg. I got worried this morning after reading about a WTF appointment from someone who did IVF with a negative result who said that her eggs may not have been fully mature because she stimmed so fast - under 8 days. Well, I only stimmed for 7 days, so now I'm a little worried that my eggs weren't mature enough. Oh well. I'll guess we'll see. Wednesday or Thursday should be implantation day. I just keep visualizing whats going on in there to hopefully get my body and the spermies to cooperate. Hopefully, the luck of the Irish will be with me! Fertilize egg! Fertilize!
And, after that lovely intro - Happy St. Patrick's Day! I plan on going up to Sherlock's with the gang today, so that's exciting. I know its so not what I "should" do while trying to get pregnant and spending lots of money to get pregnant, but I plan on drinking tonight. I just don't think its going to make a difference in whether or not I get and stay pregnant. I mean, the last two pregnancies, I was so good. I didn't drink any alcohol, much less caffeine, etc. I drank a ton of water. I ate healthier. And none of it did any good. So right now - I'm not going to stress about it. What happens will happen, whether I drink today or not. Whether I have a soda today. Or not. What I do today will not have much impact on whether I get pg (within certain limits, of course). So I plan on having a good time. I'm not going to get drunk, I'm not going to get crazy. But, I'm going to have a good time hanging out with friends. Last night, today, tonight or tomorrow morning, the sperm should fertilize the egg. I got worried this morning after reading about a WTF appointment from someone who did IVF with a negative result who said that her eggs may not have been fully mature because she stimmed so fast - under 8 days. Well, I only stimmed for 7 days, so now I'm a little worried that my eggs weren't mature enough. Oh well. I'll guess we'll see. Wednesday or Thursday should be implantation day. I just keep visualizing whats going on in there to hopefully get my body and the spermies to cooperate. Hopefully, the luck of the Irish will be with me! Fertilize egg! Fertilize!
Monday, March 16, 2009
IUI #4 This Morning
And now I am tired. Everything went well. The nurse who did the IUI said I was "easy" because the IUI was easy to do on me. Apparently, I'm very "open" down there and it was easy to get everything in. Well, gee! They sure know how to flatter a girl! Afterward I made a trip to Costco and then the grocery store. The maids were at the house (yay for a clean house) so I hung out with Amy and Ponch and had lunch with them. By the time I got home, I was super tired and bloated as hell. The prescibed sexy time happened, but I was freaked out that what happened last time (the horrible, horrible waves of pain through my abdomen) would happen again, so I was careful and, thankfully, nothing happened. So now we wait. Although the goal right now is to just get pregnant, I'm kinda freaked about it and worried about staying pregnant. But, one step at a time. First I just need to get pregnant.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Things Are a Go!
So tonight I trigger. We went to the RE this morning and got blood work and a scan and got the phone call to trigger tonight at 9:30pm. We had 2 mature-ish follies (15mm and 16mm) and one that was pretty close. I don't know what my estrogen levels were as I got a message, but hopefully we aren't triggering too early. This means the IUI will be Monday morning. I kinda wanted it to be on St. Patrick's Day, because that's when we got engaged, but it's close enough. I'm kinda torn as to how much I'm going to really be partying. I don't really want to drink a lot, but at the same time was looking forward to celebrating with Amy. Since I'd only be one day past the IUI I think I'll just have a couple of drinks, but not over do it. But I'm pretty excited about the IUI! I hope it goes really well!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Hysteroscopy This Morning
So this morning was my pain-free completely cool hysteroscopy. I got to see the inside of my uterus and my fallopian tubes - in real time on a screen with a camera. It was awesome! And, everything looked good, thank god. I also have one good sized follicle on each ovary (a 10 and a 13) so that's good. My e2 is only 275, but we're lowering my stims to 75iu's and go back on Saturday morning.
But now I'm really stuck with what we do next. We're getting everything ready to move to IVF because we felt like that's what we 'should' do; the logical next step, after what will be our fourth IUI this cycle. I'm excited about it - about moving forward...
BUT after talking with Dr. M today, I'm even more unsure. She basically said that it was a matter of patience - whether we want a baby NOW or if it's ok with us if it takes a bit longer. All our problems are with my reproductive system and as she puts it I'm young - 27. But DH is 41. (His stuff is fine and I know it doesn't really matter how old he is IF wise, but as he puts it, he doesn't want to be the grandpa on the playground with our kid(s).)
We've been at the RE for a little over a year (off BCP to get pg since Jan 2006) and after 2 pregnancies and 2 subsequent m/c's I know I can get pg without IVF... but I also want to get and stay pg NOW. But I don't want to spend the $$ for IVF if we can get pg without it and I know IVF won't necessarily help me stay pg, but I also know that if there are problems with us tests haven't brought up so far, IVF could reveal them. We did just get diagnosed with the MTHFR mutation so its possible that that could explain one or both of the m/c's and that more IUI's would lead to a successful, viable pregnancy. Ugh. I'm so stuck. I would love it if this wasn't even an issue in a couple of weeks.
But now I'm really stuck with what we do next. We're getting everything ready to move to IVF because we felt like that's what we 'should' do; the logical next step, after what will be our fourth IUI this cycle. I'm excited about it - about moving forward...
BUT after talking with Dr. M today, I'm even more unsure. She basically said that it was a matter of patience - whether we want a baby NOW or if it's ok with us if it takes a bit longer. All our problems are with my reproductive system and as she puts it I'm young - 27. But DH is 41. (His stuff is fine and I know it doesn't really matter how old he is IF wise, but as he puts it, he doesn't want to be the grandpa on the playground with our kid(s).)
We've been at the RE for a little over a year (off BCP to get pg since Jan 2006) and after 2 pregnancies and 2 subsequent m/c's I know I can get pg without IVF... but I also want to get and stay pg NOW. But I don't want to spend the $$ for IVF if we can get pg without it and I know IVF won't necessarily help me stay pg, but I also know that if there are problems with us tests haven't brought up so far, IVF could reveal them. We did just get diagnosed with the MTHFR mutation so its possible that that could explain one or both of the m/c's and that more IUI's would lead to a successful, viable pregnancy. Ugh. I'm so stuck. I would love it if this wasn't even an issue in a couple of weeks.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
IUI #4 Update
So I got the e2 results from this morning - it's at 124. Not the greatest, so I'm kinda bummed about that, but hopefully they'll get better. I am to continue the 150iu and then go in Thursday for a scan and more bloodwork, along with the hysteroscopy.
Tomorrow is the OB GYN yearly. The nurse was calling to confirm my appointment and I told her I had the pap done at HIVF, so she wondered if I really needed to come in at all. She confirmed that I would come in when I found out I was pg and that we could do everything then. I agreed until she said, well I guess we don't know how long it'll take for you to get pg. And I told her I had been with HIVF for over a year. And she said, well then you should definitely come in. I know she didn't mean to imply that it would take me even LONGER to get pg, but seriously. It's called tact and thinking before you speak. Needless to say, I'm going in tomorrow, for what is promising to be a rather unpleasant day. I get to recap the entire year for her. Joy.
Tomorrow is the OB GYN yearly. The nurse was calling to confirm my appointment and I told her I had the pap done at HIVF, so she wondered if I really needed to come in at all. She confirmed that I would come in when I found out I was pg and that we could do everything then. I agreed until she said, well I guess we don't know how long it'll take for you to get pg. And I told her I had been with HIVF for over a year. And she said, well then you should definitely come in. I know she didn't mean to imply that it would take me even LONGER to get pg, but seriously. It's called tact and thinking before you speak. Needless to say, I'm going in tomorrow, for what is promising to be a rather unpleasant day. I get to recap the entire year for her. Joy.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Wheatgrass for me!
So after reading about it, and (more importantly) reading about all the people who have gotten pregnant while taking wheatgrass, I've decided to buy some and try it. I don't know how long it'll take for the stuff to take effect, but I'm hoping that it will work its magic by this cycle's IUI. And if this cycle doesn't work (which - positive vibes here!) then the wheatgrass should continue all those great things and hopefully make the IVF cycle fantastic. I'm convinced that its just a matter of time. This year will be different and things will be great.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Never thought I'd be here tonight
I just took the first injectible shot tonight since last October. I know its weird, but I really, really thought that there wouldn't be anymore shots until IVF time. We got pregnant again right after that cycle on a break cycle and I just thought - ok this is it. For real - like not even for IVF. I can't imagine myself giving myself any more shots - like I literally can't see it. I'm done. And tonight, it all started again. I'm excited to be starting up again, don't get me wrong, but I'm also kinda surprised that I did it. That I had to do it. That I looked down and saw myself give myself a shot. It doesn't really seem real.
And while part of me is all lament-y and stuff, another part is all - YYYEAAAHHH!!!! We're really doing this again - wah-hoo! I just hope this isn't a throwaway cycle before we move to IVF. I really hope this one works. Even if I am using 'old' meds. So 150iu of Gonal tonight, tomorrow and Monday, and then doctor appt Tuesday so see where we are. Marc's coming with to get communicables tested again and then Thursday, I'll get the hysteroscopy.
Today was also the last day of Saturday class for me at ACT... only Monday and Tuesday left! It honestly feels like throwaway classes. I mean, we're learning good stuff, but it's just so close to the end. We've passed the tests and made it through the projects. It just feels like there's not much else to get through. I guess the hardest part is yet to come.
Today was also Mike's memorial service. RIP Mike. I wish I had gotten to know you better, but I liked what I knew and liked hanging out with you and Anne.
We have a showing tomorrow, which I really hope goes well. I told Amy today that I'm not optimistic, and that I don't care if the house just sits on the market - I'd rather it be listed than not - know what I mean? I just don't think there's a market out there right now. No one's buying. But I'd rather the house be listed than not. Just in case. Everyone needs SOMEWHERE to live, right? Why not here?
We also found out today that Euchre got all knocked up. I swear. First time being poked and she gets babies (I mean, is this seriously fair?!? Not that I wish I had gotten KU the first time I was 'poked' or anything, but come on!). We get first pick - heehee! I'm so excited to get a little Winston/Euchre pup! They're going to be the MOST beautiful little beebees ever. And, that means we get a dog!!! The cats will freak, but I'm just so excited. I heart dogs and have wanted one for so long. I'll also be helping Amy take care of them, as much as she needs me to, anyway. How fun!
And while part of me is all lament-y and stuff, another part is all - YYYEAAAHHH!!!! We're really doing this again - wah-hoo! I just hope this isn't a throwaway cycle before we move to IVF. I really hope this one works. Even if I am using 'old' meds. So 150iu of Gonal tonight, tomorrow and Monday, and then doctor appt Tuesday so see where we are. Marc's coming with to get communicables tested again and then Thursday, I'll get the hysteroscopy.
Today was also the last day of Saturday class for me at ACT... only Monday and Tuesday left! It honestly feels like throwaway classes. I mean, we're learning good stuff, but it's just so close to the end. We've passed the tests and made it through the projects. It just feels like there's not much else to get through. I guess the hardest part is yet to come.
Today was also Mike's memorial service. RIP Mike. I wish I had gotten to know you better, but I liked what I knew and liked hanging out with you and Anne.
We have a showing tomorrow, which I really hope goes well. I told Amy today that I'm not optimistic, and that I don't care if the house just sits on the market - I'd rather it be listed than not - know what I mean? I just don't think there's a market out there right now. No one's buying. But I'd rather the house be listed than not. Just in case. Everyone needs SOMEWHERE to live, right? Why not here?
We also found out today that Euchre got all knocked up. I swear. First time being poked and she gets babies (I mean, is this seriously fair?!? Not that I wish I had gotten KU the first time I was 'poked' or anything, but come on!). We get first pick - heehee! I'm so excited to get a little Winston/Euchre pup! They're going to be the MOST beautiful little beebees ever. And, that means we get a dog!!! The cats will freak, but I'm just so excited. I heart dogs and have wanted one for so long. I'll also be helping Amy take care of them, as much as she needs me to, anyway. How fun!
Friday, March 6, 2009
This Makes Me Heartsick
http://www.sweet-juniper.com/2009/02/i-scrapper.html
and angry and sad and shocked and appalled and... well just about speechless.
and angry and sad and shocked and appalled and... well just about speechless.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
OK. What. The. Fuck.
I so thought today was the day. I so thought wow, I can't believe this, I'm starting my period today, which is even better than I thought. I didn't think I'd start until Friday. And then my schedule would be all fucked up because I have class on Saturday I DO NOT want to miss. Actually, I take that back. I will not miss that class. So I don't really know what that would mean and when I'd go in. So yeah. The cramping it started. There was discharge. I was well on my way. And then it all stopped. Or stalled. I prefer stalled. Meaning that it will eventually start up again. Soon. God I hope it starts again soon. I don't want to jinx myself out of it. Maybe I'll just go to bed now.
Update
So I passed my sickness onto Marc, and he has not enjoyed it at all. I think he's finally getting over it though. Monday was my last day on Provera and I think I'm starting a little bit today. The cramps are coming and I've had some spotting. I hope this is the real thing. I took a pg test this morning, knowing it would be negative in hopes that it would spur AF to action, so it might have worked. I won't be able to call today day one though, its looking like. So we'll see. I'm excited that this is finally starting up again. It feels like its been so long.
I only have 3 more classes left of my teacher training, so that's exciting. I need to finish the last couple of tickets, but after that I should be mostly done. Last week I had my mini teach which was extremely nerve-wracking, but done. And my teacher said I did really well and that I was "a natural". Whoop-ee! It was very gratifying to hear that and makes me feel much more confident. And, Amy and I both passed our ESL certification tests. So we can now be more marketable as potential teachers and hopefully find great jobs. I'm not 100% sure about teaching to these kids - at least for my first year, I'd like to at least have a 'normal' class without the higher demands and pressures, but I don't know that that will be possible.
The house hasn't seen any more action, for which we are incredibly bummed about. I just can't help but think about the timing of everything and I really, really hope that it will all work out together (the baby and the house) and SOON. I just kinda feel like we're in some strange limbo period, and have been for about a year now. I just wish something would happen. And now seems like the worst time, economically, for us to be in this situation.
I only have 3 more classes left of my teacher training, so that's exciting. I need to finish the last couple of tickets, but after that I should be mostly done. Last week I had my mini teach which was extremely nerve-wracking, but done. And my teacher said I did really well and that I was "a natural". Whoop-ee! It was very gratifying to hear that and makes me feel much more confident. And, Amy and I both passed our ESL certification tests. So we can now be more marketable as potential teachers and hopefully find great jobs. I'm not 100% sure about teaching to these kids - at least for my first year, I'd like to at least have a 'normal' class without the higher demands and pressures, but I don't know that that will be possible.
The house hasn't seen any more action, for which we are incredibly bummed about. I just can't help but think about the timing of everything and I really, really hope that it will all work out together (the baby and the house) and SOON. I just kinda feel like we're in some strange limbo period, and have been for about a year now. I just wish something would happen. And now seems like the worst time, economically, for us to be in this situation.
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