Obligatory Meds Pic

Or: Oh. My. God. Look at those needles.

Yes, I know it's four pictures of basically the same thing. But still. I'm kinda horrified by all the needles I know I'll be sticking myself with. (Seriously, after accounting for everything and matching everything up I started really looking and started sweating (lovely, I know).)

Teach Class - I'm all Learned Now!

So a lot of paperwork to sign. A lot of talk of needles that sound really scary. I'm worried about mixing the meds correctly and making sure I do the right thing at the right time. But there's also a lot of excitement. I feel like this is actually happening now. We ordered my meds, so the requisite picture of the stacks of boxes will be coming. I have a calendar, which is something so delightfully awesome, I can barely contain my excitement. I have a little bit of organizational/planning obsessiveness that takes over when I feel out of my element or when doing something new, so I can't tell you how much calmer I feel having it. I'm such a freak one of my favorite things to do besides making lists is filling up my datebook. I'm usually disappointed by the look of it as my life isn't that interesting, but with all these appointments and a calendar(!) I know I'll be able to fill it up soon. So, my tentative calendar, for all the blog world to see:

June 22 (that's Monday!): Start Lupr.on (10iu)/Dexy
June 24: Last BCP
July 2: Suppression check
July 4: Start stims 150iu of Go.nal-f and 150iu of Men.opur; Lupr.on decreased to 5iu
July 6: First office visit to check progress

Nurse D told me that I'd probably stim for 8 days rather than 10, based on previous reaction to the meds and that we'd probably have egg retrieval early the week of July 13. Then I start other meds (tetracycline, medrol, PIO) the days following and the have Valium for the ET, the next day start Loven.ox and then start Viv.elle.

Whew. (Oh yeah, and she totally hooked me up with a couple boxes of *free* meds - she is officially my favorite.person.ever.)

In Leinie news, her UTI isn't going away. I knew it wasn't. I knew she wasn't responding to the antibiotics, knew she wasn't back to normal. And the culture came back and confirmed it. So now we're starting all over with a different drug that will hopefully clear this thing up. Unfortunately, it's a slower acting drug, so we can't expect to see any change until four or five days have gone by. Which is really screwing with her potty training. We had her first puppy class last night and the trainer said that we would have to start all over with her and potty training once the infection is gone. Which disturbs her crate training. And a lot of the other training we're trying to accomplish in this class. Ugh. I just hope she feels better soon so we can play with her more and get her on the right track.

Bye Bye Savings...

I know when I actually have my baby, I won't be so sad to see all that money gone, but right now it stings a little bit.

$31,800.

Down payment on a house.

Really nice car I will never drive.

Paying off student loans.

Getting a baby.

Ouch. Shared Risk IVF with ICSI. Man, oh man. This doesn't include meds, cryo or anesthesia. There's always the 70% back if this doesn't work, but its not like we want that. I don't know how people do this. We could have paid the clinic cycle by cycle... $13,815 per IVF with ICSI cycle. The money will be charged to our now maxed out credit cards as we speak. At least we get 1% cash back... it's something.

Hopefully once things get rolling we won't miss the money too badly. Hopefully, we learn to be more frugal. Hopefully I can get a job. Hopefully, this works and we get our baby.

Like I mentioned in a previous post there are a lot of miracles we need this summer. I hope we're doing our part to make this one happen.

And lest I sound like an ungrateful brat, I would like to acknowledge that I know how incredibly lucky we are to even be able to financially swing this. I know there are incomplete families out there who can't. And my heart breaks for them. Just like it breaks for those who have exhausted all monetary resources and still don't have a family. Just like it breaks for those struggling with IF. I hope someday everyone is able to have the family they dream of.

Other Things

So, to catch up on everything non-IF/baby related...

Leinie (puppy) has a UTI. Anyone who has ever had one knows how painful and uncomfortable they are and can probably guess how fun this is making the potty training process. She went to the vet and almost $300 later, she has antibiotics and should be feeling better soon. She also is enrolled in a puppy training class, which I'm very excited about. She goes for 8 weeks, on Wednesday nights. I'm happy we actually signed her up for them and are doing it. We've talked and talked about how we need to get her in a class to get trained because once she gets full grown she'll be impossible otherwise, blah blah blah, but now all that talk is being put into action and I'm excited.

I had a job fair yesterday, in which I left with the same feeling of "Wow. I just wasted my day." I really hope something comes from this though.

We also had a showing the other day. Amy said they were interested, but honestly, it doesn't really matter how much they liked it. I've gotten excited over people being "interested" and nothing has ever come of it, so I'm kinda over all that. If we get an offer, then I'll be excited. But not until then.

And, I suppose that's pretty much it. Except - oh yeah. I'm going to be an aunt. My little sister is pregnant. My little, 23-year-old, still-in-school, unmarried sister is pregnant. Surprise! (And as awful as this sounds, I'm kinda relieved she wasn't actually trying - the we've-been-trying-for-a-month-or-two-and-golly-gee!-I'm-preggo! would sting a lot more.)

She's excited though, so I'm happy for her. There's going to be a wedding soon, and I know I'll be picturing my dad with a shotgun the entire time. She's not very far along and has her first appointment with her OBGYN on the 30th where she'll find out for sure.

Honestly, with everything, I'm not super upset. I know it'll be really hard when I see her with a belly. And when I see my dad with his grandchild. That'll be really hard. Really fucking hard. Life doesn't always work out the way you think. I always thought that as the first grandchild, I'd be having the first baby, and I was obviously very wrong about that. I think what I'll be most upset about is all the firsts I'll miss. Firsts I thought for all my life would be mine. And I know that I'll be super upset if she gets anything I don't. It better be fair, dammit. She's been so spoiled all this time (the baby of the family)... I swear to god, I will lose it. It's one thing when she gets a brand new phone and digital camera for Christmas and you get sheets. But our babies better be getting the SAME. DAMN. SHIT. That'll just push me over the edge. It really will. And she better be getting fucking sheets for Christmas now too, since she'll be all married. If things changed for me, they sure as hell better change for her. I almost feel like I should sit down with my mom and have this discussion of what fairness and treating your children equally and showing no favoritism means with her.

Ugh, thinking about all this just makes me feel all ugly and bitter. But, as selfish as it seems, I'm completely serious. I've distanced myself from my family because of shit like this. Because it hurts to see them fawn over and spend so much money on her when they don't for me (and my brother). And I'll be the first to admit, I have unresolved issues from my wedding when they left in the middle of it. (Oh, yes. There's a story here - but it's ugly and bitter and hurts so much I doubt I'll be re-telling it, but it's there.) And the fucking sheets at Christmas amongst cameras and digital phones (and how something similar seems to happen every year. We all get a GPS system? She gets another brand new PDA too... and only her.)(And I still have those sheets, have never used them and will be re-gifting them at an appropriate time.) And the free vs. not so free college education. (Yes, another story. Probably won't fill in the details of that either. Sorry.) But I swear to god if they treat my child (I'll have one dammit - it may not be first, but it'll be there) like they treated me... It will not happen.

Ahem. I've seem to gone off on a rather unpleasant trip down memory lane. So, I'm off to deal with my still sick and peeing everywhere puppy and to eat some breakfast.

ETA: And now, reading this a few hours later, I feel like I should add something. I truly am happy for her and hope that she can make the best of this situation. She knew about our struggles and was very worried about how I would feel about her news and was upset thinking she might upset me. It was sweet of her to be so concerned. I told her that our struggles don't have anything to do with her and I don't blame her for this. Its sweet of her to keep me in mind, but it's not her fault I can't get/stay pregnant. She's excited about this and I'm excited for her, even if I'm sad for myself.

It's also not her fault she was/is treated differently and I'm not angry with her about that either. And, at this point, all projected "unfairness" hasn't even happened. I've no reason to get angry over something that hasn't happened (is it wrong of me to add 'yet'?). I hope my mom pushes her to become more independent and stops holding her hand. If she's going to have and take care of a baby, she has to be able to take care of herself.

And lastly, I need to keep the bitterness out of my blog and my mind. I've tried so hard to work through this and get past all of this and its so ugly when it comes up. I don't want to be that person always looking at the past and comparing this and that. I don't want the past staining my life. (Although, I will admit weakness with the sheets.... we got them the Christmas after we got married, the same year both my brother and sister got digital cameras (my sis got a nicer model, something that chaps my ass for my brother's sake )and chaps his as well)). I will return them to my parents, I just haven't thought of when the most appropriate time would be.)

Update after RE Meeting

We have a plan! We have a tentative schedule! We have understanding about our clinic's standard operating procedures regarding strict morph!

So right now, the teach class is next Thursday, when I'll also get the prescription for Lupron. I'll start that while still on BCP, then continue for (I think she said 10 days?). Suppression check is July 2. Stims (the Gonal and Menopur) should start July 4 (Happy Fourth of July to me! We'll be in San Antonio and I'm glad we won't have to cancel that trip...) and the egg retrieval (ER) should be the week of July 13-17. Whoopee! With the embryo transfer (ET) at the latest July 22. Which, I believe puts beta at July 31? I'll start PIO right after the ER and then Lovenox after the (ET). If all goes according to schedule, this should be the plan. We think I'll probably go early for ER because I respond well to the meds, so I guess we'll see!

I'm so excited!!! It all seems to be happening so fast, even though I know ER is like a month away. Yippee!! I know I'll be pregnant in no time!

Oh yeah, and their SOP is that strict morph doesn't matter with IUI's - only IVF, and that if its low, they recommend ICSI, which we will do. I have to be honest, it did make me feel better hearing a person with an actual medical degree tell me that and I kinda feel like a total drama queen for freaking out about it when I didn't have all the information... but not about the non-returning phone call though. Grr.

Communication is Key

So after all the bitching and whining and complaining the last couple of posts, I finally got a phone call this morning. Granted, this was after another voicemail and a call into the receptionists to make sure Nurse D had been in this week, which she had. If I hadn't gotten a phone call, I would have scheduled an appointment with Dr. M and talked to her about everything.

I'm somewhat satisfied with the explanation I've received regarding the strict morph issue and her calling me. According to her, she has been waiting for the Shared Risk people to call her back and let her know what I was approved for. She claims she still hasn't received a call back. I'm kinda mad because she did promise to do everything she could to try and get us approved for IVF alone, and I don't think she did. On top of that, when I called her originally and left her that message, I stated that I had heard from the Shared Risk people and that we had been approved. She acted like she didn't know that. So whatever.

About the strict morph. It sounds like they don't take strict morph into consideration when looking at success rates for IUI. I seriously have a problem with that, but what can I do? She understood exactly what I was asking and concerned with (wasting time and money on IUI's) and told me that we hadn't wasted anything and that they do not consider strict morph an important criteria when doing IUI's (or something like that). Like I said, I think this is total bullshit and kinda want to talk to Dr. M about this to hear it straight from her. I may set up a phone appointment, but don't want to look like I don't trust Nurse D (which... I don't 100%, but don't want to admit that to them, which maybe I should and ask to get a different nurse). Anyway, what's done is done - there isn't a whole lot I can do now - we're definitly moving to IVF and since I really love Dr. M and a lot of the people there, we aren't moving clinics. So I've decided to take all this in stride and just go forward. Being mad won't help anything and won't change what's already happened.

So I'm going to my teach class next Thursday and will get my schedule then. I also will find out how long I'm staying on the BCP and what protocol I'll be on.

You know, on second thought, I am going to try and meet with Dr. M when M can be there... and done! She had a cancellation this afternoon, so off we'll go! After talking with M, he's right - meeting with her and hearing her say that that's the way the clinic operates regarding strict morph will not make me feel any better and will not change our mind about what we're doing, so I'm not even going to bring it up. I am glad that M will be able to talk with Dr. M about IVF though. I've talked with her already and he was unable to be there, but I know he wants to be in the loop with everything, so it'll be good for him and me to have a clear understanding of what exactly we're doing and why. And, Dr. M ALWAYS makes me feel great, so my spirits are lifted already just knowing we'll be meeting with her today.

Still Upset and Getting Mad

Really mad. After posting about this and seeing if others RE's thought it was a big deal, I find out it kinda is. And it makes me wonder about the success rates we were told about for IUI's (15-20% or something) and if those percentages applied to us. I put a call in to Nurse D asking about the Shared Risk call (she was going to see if she could get them to approve us for the Shared Risk non ICSI) and letting her know that I was upset and wanted to hear again how she thinks the strict morph did or did not affect our chances and if the IUI's were a waste of money and especially now that the cost just went up that we were upset about not knowing about this. And I let her know that I wanted a copy of the SA and for her to please call me back.

That was yesterday at 11:35am.

I haven't heard back from her.

I'm just getting more and more angry about it.

I got the contract from Shared Risk though... the contract for Shared Risk with ICSI for $31,800, so apparently she called them and got the application pushed through and approved. But just decided not to call me back.

I don't know what to do. I'm feeling petty and stubborn and do not want to call them first and want to wait and see how long it takes for them to call me. But, I'm also anxious about all this and feel childish. But I also don't want to be the annoying patient who calls everyday (which - let's face it - I probably am already). Part of me wants to schedule a meeting with Dr. M and get her take on this. I want to know why so many other RE's DO seem to think this is an issue and recommended their patients to move straight to IVF. Here's how it was explained to a few fellow nesties:

"The reason you can't find answers is because this a hotly contested issue. Some REs believe it makes a huge difference while others thinks it makes no difference at all.
I liked how my RE described it. Lower numbers (and ours is 14% and above normal) just mean it might take you longer to get pregnant than some people if you were trying on your own. Considering my highish FSH and age, we don't have the time so we went on to IVF-ICSI right away. "

"We have 1-3% strict morph and we were advised to go straight to IVF. Like PP, my RE said it's like trying to hit the lottery basically. I didn't ovulate on my own but even if I did, out of 85 million, if only 1% are shaped right to fertilize an egg, you have to hope that 1% is also moving good enough to get to the one egg released too. It *can* happen, but it may never happen on it's own."

"Our counts are below 40 million, with 1% morph and motility around 30%. We hit the lottery once, but I miscarried... My Re pretty much told me we had about a 1% chance on our own, maybe 5% with IUI and he thought we'd be wasting our money (especially as we're OOP) if we did anything but IVF with ICSI.
It's definitely contested, but I think if the rest of the numbers aren't stellar, then morph could definitely be the tipping point. Our Re is on the morph matters side
of the equation."

"My DH has a strict morph of 0%. We were told that our chances of conveiving naturally is less than 5%, so we decided to go straight to IVF with ICSI. We are 100% OOP, so we skipped IUIs and went with our best odds. We were very lucky that it worked the first time."

Reading these made me want to cry. I mean I knew that IVF had a better chance of working - duh. And I have gotten pregnant twice - maybe that's why they don't think its a big deal??? The rest of his numbers are fine, so it's not really a problem? Really? And this wouldn't have affected the success rates for the IUI's?

And really - let's say for argument's sake that we were told about the strict morph and just have completely forgotten the entire conversation about it - no one ever brought it up to us again. So all the meetings, all the appointments, trying to figure out what we should do and how it was MY body that was all fucked up - and nobody mentioned this. I didn't even realize that we would HAVE to do ICSI if we went to IVF. I knew it was suggested because it is so much better and blahblahblahICSIisgreatblahblah but I didn't think we would have to because of a problem.

And, they still haven't called. Which, really - I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and being totally dramatic. Fucking call me back. I don't care if I just all of a sudden told you that I didn't know I had PCOS this whole time and am upset - you fucking call. me. back.

Something Good, Something Bad

Let's start with the bad news. I was told that the SA performed on M February of 2008, was not, in fact, "fine". I am having a hard time remembering the exact conversation about the results, since it happened a year and a half ago, but know that all this time, I've been thinking everything was "fine". It's not. His strict morph is 0.5%. Normal range is 4%. Not the end of the world, but, it seems like it's something that could be pretty big. Big enough that we will not qualify for regular IVF Shared Risk. Instead, we have to pay the $6,000 + extra for the IVF+ICSI Shared Risk plan. I'm SO not happy about this. I just went back and read what I thought of the results from M's SA were back in 2008. I believe the term used was "rock star sperm". Really? I'm trying not to make too big a deal about this (we are moving to IVF - there's not much else we can do), but it's hard. Because we just missed the cutoff for the Shared Risk price increase and would we have done that last IUI knowing about this? And we've been doing all these IUI's thinking that everything with M was fine, when, in reality, it was not. Were they a waste of money? I guess we'll never know. I'm just kinda upset by the whole thing.

I found this out because I talked to Nurse D yesterday and she told me that my genius plan of only doing the regular IVF Shared Risk and then paying for the ICSI as we go ($2,600 each) wouldn't be possible due to the strict morph issue and because of that, how it says we should do ICSI all over my chart. It just keeps getting more and more and more expensive. We have to rerun numbers and try to re-figure this whole thing out.

The good news: We bought our iPhones a month ago. They just came out with a new version and dropped the price on the ones we just bought. By $100 each. So, I'm to go by the AT&T store where we bought them and getting a credit. That's nice. There's some money.

Ugh all this $$ and IVF talk is just making me upset. To top it all off, I can't find the copy of M's SA results that I thought we had. I'd like to put it in our file and look over it myself.

New Plan.

We are Moving Forward. Oh yes. And while I'm still incredibly anxious and worried and whatnot, I am also excited.

I started birth control pills Friday afternoon. After a 3 hour doctor appointment, in which all my questions were answered (thank you very much Connie - I heart you). I knew going in, and told Connie (u/s tech) that if there were cysts we were moving to IVF and if, by some miracle, there weren't any cysts, we'd do another IUI with injectibles cycle. Lo and behold, there were FIVE huge cysts. I knew they were there - I could almost feel them all. The most I've ever had. I would have been on a break cycle for sure, hoping we got pregnant again, and waiting until CD35 for Provera. So instead, I'm on BCP, moving towards our first IVF. I guess this means we're doing the right thing - all signs pointing to IVF. And it felt really good - everyone at the clinic was so excited for me and confident that this would work. The confidence they had helped boost my own about this.

There is still a lot to do before the actual IVF starts. In any random order I need to get approved for Shared Risk*, take the class, get my protocol, possibly meet again with Dr. M, talk to the financial advisor, and get my nurse D who was not there Friday, up to speed on what we're doing. So yeah. The money freaks me out, as does the possibility of spending all this dough with it not working, but right now.... man I just want to get going. I'm tired of sitting in limbo, waiting for things to happen TO me, as opposed to making things happen FOR me. And IVF is the most aggressive, the best way to get things happening.

M was so funny - he said that with the way we've been doing things financially, it's only right that we do the Shared Risk* and have work the first time rather than pay for them one by one because then we'd probably take like 3 cycles. Oh yeah, and the price went up. Remember how I was just approved in March? The 60 day period has just ended. I'm so mad. I mean, really, what's another $2000, but the clinic didn't raise their prices - the Shared Risk* people did. It's so frustrating, but right on track with the way we love flushing money. They say it includes "more" - like assisted hatching. But I don't need that!! I already talked about it with Dr. M and she said the likelihood of me needing that were very low! How about including ICSI? I sure as hell don't want to spend $2600 extra for that! I'm looking into some credit offers to see if we can get anything with a low interest rate. I'm glad our credit is ok.

And I think I've decided to not really tell anyone about the IVF. I don't know - I feel like I've retreated back into my shell IF-wise a bit. I just feel like we told all these people we have problems, and when we'd talk to them, would tell them where we were in our process... I don't know. Maybe I just feel superstitious about it all and don't want to jinx it by all these people knowing what's happening and that we're spending all this money (or have it to spend - barely). I guess we'll see what happens. I've been very blessed that I don't have a lot of people asking about it - what happening next? where are you? etc.

So that's the big news. We're already trying to cut back drastically and I've been looking everywhere for anything that could help cover these costs. I've got a job fair coming up next week that I'm going to... hopefully I'll be able to find something.

*Oh yes - I almost forgot and wouldn't that have been annoying? Shared Risk is what I call it. Not Attain or whatever bullshit name they came up for it recently. I hate getting corrected by people at the RE's (I know, if I just said it the right way no one would correct me but meh to that) and now I feel all defensive in my head whenever I call it Shared Risk.

So Depressing

AF is fully here. IUI#5 is a BFFN.

I have some questions about the point of Endom if I started spotting for my period yesterday. Way too early to start considering I'm shoving this shit up myself twice a day and spending money for something that doesn't work. Signs that I should be tested? For something???

So more IVF talk. A spreadsheet to weigh the fiscal pros and cons of doing SharedRisk vs paying for them one by one. And the winner... SharedRisk. Although, I was faced with the realization that their 70% back! really isn't all that great once you factor in the amount you spend on meds and cryo and anesthesia for each cycle. Blech. I feel like crying. No February or March baby for me. Yes, I am assuming I'm going to have a cyst and will be forced on a break cycle. Either that or I'll be starting birth control pills (if I'm lucky).

I'm just so upset about all of this. Onto IVF. For real this time. With no guarantees. How do so many people do this? How do so many people afford this? I know I should be thankful we are able to stretch this, even with me out of work. I know I should be thankful for a lot of things that I'm having a hard time thinking of right now. I know a lot of people have it a lot worse. And have been through a lot worse. I'm trying to think of that right now, to keep myself from being so upset. But when will it be my turn? How long do we sit in limbo? Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting for someone to buy our house. Waiting for someone to hire me.

Just.

Waiting...

Ok. For Real. O.V.E.R.

I am now starting to spot more heavily with more red color and less brown. So either this is a nightmare-ish 3rd m/c or a for real BFN. God, could I be more pathetic with more detailed play by play of the goings on of my va-jay-jay?

Well....

Maybe I called it too fast... because nothing else is happening. I mean, I'm still getting some slight spotting, but its all dark brown and I'm not getting anymore bright red. So WTF? According to my nurse, it could be implantation spotting. (huh????) I thought I was way out of the game with that. I mean, I'm 12dpiui. I don't know. She said implantation can take place for up to 8 weeks, and that spotting would be normal. I really don't know what to think here. Part of me thinks she wants me to stay positive and hopeful through the bitter end... (that's the type of person she is - and I'm SO not) but I'm just not sure that I should get and keep my hopes (and M's!!) up for what seems like a super long shot. I do know that I'm not going to be happy spending all this money of the Endom for an impending period. I do know that the soreness of the boobies are less, probably because I didn't take the Endom last night or this morning (shut up I just took it). And I do know that I feel like my period is right around the corner and the spotting is just pre-period spotting. But I'm still going in for my blood test Friday. And if I start my period, full blown period, then I'll stop the Endom.

Le Spotting

So I am somewhat officially calling IUI#5 a BFN... I'm spotting dark brown with the lovely Endom and when I wipe am getting bright red. So. Yeah. The end. I think I'll have a soda tonight and will be calling the RE tomorrow. Because I'm not supposed to be starting this early, especially not with the addition of the Endom. So we'll see what they say. I'm super bummed. Guess the IVF talk last night seems a lot more real now.

Le Sigh

For nothing is really happening today. I got a full night's sleep, which was a wonderful surprise. Thanks to M for sleeping out on the couch, little Leinie didn't make much of a peep all night long. Now I just wish it was feasible to move her entire setup into the bedroom with us. Oh well. I just keep thinking that this is practice for a real baby. Getting up all night, feeding and cleaning up poop and pee through the day. Not leaving the house and spending time with the little one. Yeah. Total practice.

Last night M and I had the serious IVF talk. Again. He doesn't like talking about it until the cycle we're on is officially done, and I see his POV, but I'm too much a realist. I need to know what comes next, what our game plan is, just in case. Obviously I want this to work. And I absolutely believe that my third pregnancy will be The One... I just wish I knew when that would happen and what it would be a result of. IUI? IVF? Another break cycle? Anyway, I'm still freaking out about the state of our finances and the lack of employment. It's not like my salary is huge and would make everything a-ok, but it sure would help. Hell, anything would do right about now. I'd take a pay cut or work part-time. I just don't want to be flipping burgers. (My skin is already suffering from all the hormones - I don't think it could take standing in a grease pit all day.)

So far my symptoms are... well... nothing that can't be explained by the Endometr.in. So... there's nothing really to report there. I think when I go in for my beta, I'll ask if it would make sense to run my progesterone as well - I'm curious as to what my levels are on the Endom and want to know if it's helping or a big waste. Of course, I may have missed that boat as I know its supposed to be done on CD21. We'll see.

No other big plans for the week. Terminix guy is coming tomorrow. The highlight of my day. (Not - he totally creeps me out.) Hope everyone else has more fun than me!

10dpIUI

So here I am at 10 days past IUI, or - 4 days until beta. This weekend I've felt tired and icky (thank you endom.etrin) and still have sore boobs. And that's really about it. So, we'll see.

We picked Leinie up on Friday and so far have had erratic sleep. I've been the one to get up with her mostly - Marc seemed to sleep through some of the initial barks and whines. Last night we both endured long barking and whining. Hopefully she will get past this phase quickly. We took her over to A&J's Saturday where she was overwhelmed and behaved. She slept a lot and basically was a poster child for a laid back dog.

We also found out A&C were 11 weeks pg. I was immediately happy and bummed at the same time. I spent the night getting up with the dog, who was sick, and crying. This is honestly the first time someone else's pregnancy has affected me this way. I cried and cried and basically felt really sorry for myself. And then hated myself for not being happier for them. We were pg (the second time for me) at the same time and then miscarried at the same time back in December. They got pregnant pretty easily and I've been waiting for an announcement from them for a while. I guess I didn't expect the announcement to be so far along. I mean, I felt like we were pretty close before and she said they would share whenever they knew they were pg again.... I feel a little betrayed I guess. I feel like we kind of went through something and we shared all our difficulties with them... I was shocked although I shouldn't have been. I was just struck with the absolute unfairness of it all. And feelings of jealousy that they'll have the first grandchild on that side of the family (although they are step-in laws, so not really but close enough). And then feelings of self-despise-ment for not being a better person and for being so petty. It just rang so true the dream I had about a month or two ago. We're all gathered for Christmas or Thanksgiving and she is very pg and I'm not. And all anyone can talk about is the baby and her pregnancy and it's all I can do to be somewhat happy around them. And in my dream I just want to curl up and die. So with the timing of it all, yeah... I can easily picture this happening. It makes me want to skip the holidays this year. My only hope is that I'll be pregnant too.

Sunday afternoon we went over to my parent's so Leinie could meet their dogs and my family. Again, the poster child of a laid back dog. We got back home and she was pretty playful. I think she just gets overwhelmed. I need to take her to the vet and set up a schedule for her shots and other vaccines and talk about when we can spay her.

So that was my weekend. It'll be nice to get Leinie used to a more set schedule here around the house. The cats are slowly adjusting, I think. They just need more time getting used to her.

Sunday and Monday

So the Memorial Day party we were supposed to go to was cancelled. Instead we brought the puppy home for a night. Man oh, man. We got like 3 hours of sleep that night and am shocked we didn't get the police called on us for a noise complaint. She screamed. All. night. long. I knew to expect the crying - Marc was shocked by it (the duration the loudness). She had several accidents (although, that's not really fair as she's never been remotely trained to not pee where she sleeps) so we started that, but since she was going back to the other puppies, we couldn't use the public grass that other dogs go on and I'm not sure anything really sunk in as she is back with the rest of the litter and back to "eliminating" wherever she wants. Marc flipped out about the 'accidents' on the carpet, so her new base will be the kitchen. I need to get a gate, as her crate is way too big and she tore down every divider we erected (one didn't come with the crate) or a smaller crate. I don't really want to spend the money on a smaller crate that she'll outgrow quickly though. I need to find out how A and P trained W because he loves his crate.

I've read all about crate training and potty training, and honestly, I'm not sure what we should do. There are so many different ideologies and I'm not really sure which we should adhere to. This is going to be a process. A long process. I've already figured that my schedule is going to have to change, because Marc can't go to work with 3 hours of sleep and function. So. yeah. I see a lot of sleepless nights and naps in my future. At least this will keep me occupied while unemployed and trying to get pregnant.

Let's see... today I am 4dpiui. Nothing to note, really. I still feel rather bloated and have had quite the upset stomach, which I'm guessing is from the endo.metrin.

I've been having vivid, bad dreams the last couple of night. Last night all the people I went to high school with were all hanging out for some type of reunion get together thing and all the girls were pregnant. All. of. them. Except me. I woke up feeling melancholy. My 10 year reunion is this year, so I guess that's where I got the ammunition for the dream. And (thanks to FB) I know several of my old classmates do have children... Ah well. The night before was some nightmare about being chased and having my leg cut off. Not pleasant.

One Week Until Puppy!

So the cramping has slowed, and gotten better. The endo.metrin is going well, I'm afraid I'm going to forget to take it though. I'll get into the habit though, and should get the hang of it.

The baby shower today was great - I was so happy to see L again. I can't believe so much time had gone by before seeing her. She looked, great, as always, and especially with her being 8 months pregnant. From behind you couldn't even tell she was pg - I know I won't look like that, but a girl can dream... The shower was nice, but awkward for me. I didn't know anyone there and have always been a freak about being around people I don't know. I am totally Social Anxiety when it comes to these kind of things, but today wasn't too bad.

We went out with the G's and R's which was nice... especially the trip to The Choc.olate Bar. Oh yeah. Yum. I picked up a piece of cake to eat at home and ate some ice cream there. YUM.

I'm not sure about tomorrow's plans - I have to say I'm not too disappointed with not hanging out with some of these people. Apparently A is sick and the neighbor I hate had surgery and may be in the hospital... so no big celebration.

And one week from today we should be bringing our new furbaby home! We may bring her over to introduce her to the cats, before the permanent move to helpfully reduce the shock. I'm SO excited about having her home. The cats just have no idea. And she will be a wonderful distraction from the 2ww when it gets really bad at the end.

And, I think I forgot to mention - we had two showings last week! Yay! One was a second showing, so I really hope something comes from it. They seem to be moving pretty slow, as the second showing was 18 days from the first. I don't care - just make an offer!!!!

IUI #5 This Morning

Everything went well! M had great numbers:

Post Wash:
Count: 81 million/ml
Progression: 3+
Motile %: 90%
Total Motile: 36.4 million
% Recovery: 38%

Honestly, I'm not sure what everything means, as far as the numbers go. I just know pre-wash what they want to see, and he passed, like always. We are so lucky and thankful that I'm the only one who has issues...

Apparently my cervix is easy - it just pops out according to the nurse today. There wasn't any pain - uncomfortableness from the speculum, and a little tickling when they cleaned off the excess cervical mucus, but that's it. Now, at home, I have some slight cramping, but that's to be expected and no big deal.

I also ran into one of our nurses and she gave me a free box of Endo.metrin - yay! Those things are expensive and you're supposed to use them through your tenth week of pregnancy, so I'm glad I got more. They are so cool there - I <3 my clinic.

That's about it - I'm off to watch SYTYCD and hang out on the couch!

News!

Definitely triggering! 9:30pm! e2 was 677! Yay!

Most Likely Triggering Tonight!

So I didn't get my lining number this morning (but let's face it - it was so awesome yesterday it probably didn't get worse) (and wow did that sound cocky!) but I am pretty happy because my right ovary looked as if it had exploded. I had one follicle on the right measuring at 17.3mm, and a couple 14's and 13's, with some 11's thrown and a bunch of little ones in there... on the scan it just looked like there were bubbles covering the entire surface of my ovary. Kinda cool. I seriously couldn't count the number as she was measuring them, but she took like 15 pictures. My left one is the brownheaded* step child of the cycle, with the biggest at 15.somethinglow and just one or two smaller. Marc speculated that since in "normal" women ovulation takes turns between ovaries and that it must have been ole rightie's turn. So, since the clinic considers 15 mature (which hummph. I'm still not entirely convinced, although u/s tech made a good argument about how they determine that number through IVF and that 15 IS mature) it looks like I will 99.999% be triggering tonight. I got a cup and everything. I just hope they continue to grow... and be really mature - not just on the cusp.

For shits and giggles I asked what my e2 levels were last cycle when I triggered. They were only 434. That's it! I had one follicle at 16.something and one at 15.something. I'm glad this cycle is different. She did say that higher e2 levels were better. So, that's good... I still can't believe the number for last cycle. No wonder I'm being such a super freak about this one.

Ah well. The joyous part of the morning was being confronted with a baby while waiting for my blood to be drawn. He was probably 2 or 3, and his mom was there for b/w as well. I just kinda got hit with a WTF moment. I mean, she was obviously there for #2, but man. Just right there. Kinda stung a bit. Brought up a little bitterness, I'm not going to lie. Made me feel like a bad person. But, what could she do? It's not her fault she has to bring her kid to the clinic to try and get pg with a second.

I also RSVPed to a baby shower this weekend... I'm super happy for her as it took her A LOT to get pg, but still kinda anxious about it since I would have been only 3 weeks behind her if I hadn't lost the second pregnancy and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about seeing a big ole belly and thinking about what should have been.

And now I'm off to take a bath, as I won't be able to do so in the next couple of weeks (I like HOT baths) and meeting Sarah for lunch at Jake's - yum!

*As I am redheaded, when I was younger I took offense to this saying (now I'm not so offended; I feel sorry for real redheaded step children and everyone always looks at me when they say it, which is weird) so have changed it to make myself happy. Suck on it brunettes.

Cycle Check In

So this morning was the scan and b/w check. I have 5 measurable follicles; 14, 14, 13, 12, 11... or something like that. My lining is at 11.3 - awesome! She said that I most likely would be coming in daily or almost daily. It all depends on my estrogen levels. So we'll see.. Things are definitely happening in there!

**Edited to add:
e2 levels at 559! Yay! I'm doing another 150iu of Gonal tonight and going in again tomorrow morning. I'm kinda mad because I was under the impression that I would maybe go two more days - to stim for 8 days total, not 7 :( The way it's sounding now, I may be triggering tomorrow for a Friday IUI, which means I'll only have stimmed for 7 days. Which sucks. I'm trying really, really hard not to take this as a bad thing, but I really, really want to go for 8 days. I just have this feeling that it would be better. Stupid, yes. Illogical, yes. Crazy, yes. But will it make me feel better - YES. I may be calling my nurse back. Or maybe I'll just wait until tomorrow and see what they say then. If follicles only grow 2mm per day, then tomorrow they won't be ready anyway. Maybe if I can just coast the 8th night - no meds. I know its stupid but I'm having high anxiety over this - the possibility of triggering tomorrow.

The Weekend Recap

Had a pretty great weekend. The weather was wonderful (even downright cool!) and we had a lot of fun. Saturday I went to the A.lief job fair, which was horrible. I wish the cool front had come in then, because they didn't turn on the AC all the way, and everyone was sweating. We stood around in lines for 3 hours, I talked to 10 people for like 10 seconds and that was it. It felt very discouraging. I highly doubt I will get a call back from any of the schools I met with. I don't know what to do, other than looking for a job elsewhere, or in some other field.

We went to lunch with A&P and then went over to Alex and Jen's. We swam and hung out with friends*. I wasn't drinking, but it was a lot of fun. Sunday morning, we had an appointment, got there SUPER early (like 7:15 - they didn't even open until 7:30 and usually don't start taking appointments until 8 - whoops! Nurse said it was fine, and she was happy we were there early, but who knows, really). After that, we had breakfast and then saw S.tar T.rek. It was great. The 10:10am showing only cost $10 for the both of us! We'll be doing that again. I couldn't believe how affordable it was. We've been avoiding movie theaters and just waiting for movies to come out and buy them used because $20 for two of us to see a movie seems ridiculous. After that we went home and hung out until it was time for bed.

Overall, a pretty fun weekend, although I am NOT looking forward to next weekend. Memorial Day. We're hanging out with Alex and Jen again, except the newly pregnant (announced she was pg at FOUR WEEKS and has been married for um, 3 months?) neighbor's son and DIL will be there. I hate the neighbors and don't care much for the son and DIL, on top of the fact that they're pregnant. Ugh. Just what I don't want. To hang around THAT. We'll see who else is there and how long we stay. I'm assuming my IUI will be at the end of this week, so no swimming or drinking for me, which sucks. Especially since getting drunk sounds like a lovely way to avoid that nightmare. We'll probably be leaving early that day. I may not be feeling very well.

At the Sunday morning appointment, we only had blood drawn. I didn't make a fuss about it like I kinda wanted to, for which I patted myself on the back. My e2 was 186. I am to continue the 150iu of Gonal and I go back in Tuesday for blood work AND a scan. My boobs have been so painful, I was kinda worried about what was happening with my hormones and figured that if I had high levels of estrogen to make them hurt that I would get over-stimulated and get cancelled (or we would get transferred to IVF). They had an almost burning sensation on the tops of them. Its not so bad this morning, but man was it painful last night. My skin also feels very sensitive. I wonder if it's because of the Gonal...

*There was this other couple there who brought their 1.5 year old daughter - we hadn't seen them since she was pg and don't really know them well. I like them, but really didn't need to hear about how smart we are for waiting until we're older to have kids and how much they change your life (nice assumption there, asshole). She just went on about how hard it was and that she loves her, but... hard work, yapyapyap. I kinda wanted to say something shocking and somewhat rude about our situation but managed to restrain myself. Good for me. Another pat on the back for that.

Ack! Almost forgot...

I wanted to make sure I charted, or at least recorded everything from this cycle. And on CD 2 when I had the scan and b/w, my lining was 3.3 (good) and my e2 was 62 (also good). I'll make sure to update on Sunday, when I get b/w results back. Apparently they aren't doing a scan, which I'm not happy about. I kinda feel like they're being cheapskates and I'm mad because I'm paying $500 more dollars for an injectibles only cycle, which means more monitoring. And I'm not getting a scan. If I get too many follies that are too big and have to cancel the cycle, I'm gonna be pissed. P-I-S-S-E-D. So we shall see.

Oh, and nothing on the house. We haven't had a showing in forever, we haven't had a single open house and our info box out front has been empty for days. Yeah. And that's all I'll say about that.

Non-Title Title

Not too much to report here. Today will be day 3 of 150iu of Gonal. So that's fun - no really. I don't mind the shots and, in fact, look forward to them. Because it means I'm doing something and things are progressing. And, really, I only get to feel like this for maybe a week, before the 2ww starts. Yay for the shots. My next appointment is Sunday, where we see where's I'm at. I hung out with my sister this week, which was fun, especially since I don't get to see her very often. There's a job fair Saturday I need to go to, and need to get ready for - oh holy crap - that's tomorrow! Well, I guess I just planned out my day, along with watching Grey's season finale. I hope it's not going to be ruined like The Office. So bittersweet. So sad for myself.

Today was a Big Day

And I am tired. Marc is bringing me food which makes me very happy.

So it started off with the dermatologist appointment this morning at 10. He seemed really nice and removed one 'abnormal' looking mole to send off and one unsightly skin tag I was SO glad to be rid of. They now hurt, but didn't at the time. So that's good. He also gave me a safe rosecea medicine I can use while pregnant (that the RE even okayed).


I then went to meet and talk with Dr. M, who I love. Talking to her always gives me such hope and optimism. She answers my questions, doesn't mind that I ask them and knows me. Like, doesn't have to look at my chart to know my history and know what I've been through and know who I am. Which means so, so much. She helped clear my worries of:

- other testing that may catch something
- my short LP
- the study I read online about PCOS/early miscarriage rates and Met.formin. (That met would bring down the higher chance of m/c that PCOS girls have.)
- my stimming length of time
- when to go to IVF


It was just really nice to talk to her about things. She gave me a card to the resident therapist and told me if I was feeling especially stressed and frustrated that I should call and see what I think about going to some support groups or talking to her. I know I should think about it, but it's very hard to think that I can do that with the $$ situation the way it is. Realistically, we probably shouldn't even think about moving right now, should fire our maid, shouldn't get a dog, should sell our new iPhones on ebay, and I should start applying for jobs at fast food restaurants. I'm stressed because I just paid medical bills. Which are now even higher.


Back to my talk with Dr. M; I have been tested for everything that is a valid test. My short LP is a concern (which - HA! I knew they never noted that when I told them my period was starting super early after the IUIs) so I am now on Endo.metrin which is fucking expensive. (I know it's nothing like IVF meds, but we aren't at IVF... and I know it could be a lot worse and am glad I respond well to low-ish doses of Gonal.) My concerns about Met and m/c and PCOS is not super valid. Apparently there was a study that tested Met and getting pg with a sub study of m/c rates. And the people on Met who got pg didn't have a lower rate of m/c - in fact it was slightly higher. So, no Met for me, which I'm somewhat happy to hear about given the recent increase in fertility meds I'm taking and the $$. Stimming for a certain length of time... well, as long as it's not short, like 5 days, anything from 7 to 10 days is good. And won't make a big difference if we go 7 instead of 10. So that worry is set aside.


The last is the IVF. She asked what we were thinking about it and that we should start to think about it. (I didn't tell her that we both have had it sitting in the back of our minds since this thing started. We both just automatically subtract $40,000 out of savings and then stress about it. And buying a house and such. STRESS.) She also confirmed some serious doubts. IVF won't help us stay pregnant, it will just get us pregnant faster. Considering I've conceived twice, with no live baby, it is not a pleasant thought that we should pay 5 times more for the same result.


If we don't conceive in this IUI or the next, we will seriously venture into IVF. That's the standard. 3-4 failed inject/IUI cycles says time for IVF. IVF will give us more information. Like egg quality that blood tests aren't picking up on. Or sperm issues that a SA doesn't see. Or fertilization problems. There's all sort of things that could help answer the IF question further. Unfortunately, none of these answers mean anything if we do IVF and get a BFN. I mean, it's not like there's a better treatment out there. IVF is it.


I admitted that I was probably more scared of getting pregnant again than I am of anything else. I would just wait for the other shoe to drop. She told me that she knows that it will happen for me, that I will be pregnant. And it feels so good to have someone tell me with such honest, pure, BELIEF that this will happen for us.


So, onto the rest of my day. I then had a scan and blood work. The scan was awesome. I told the tech that I would seriously probably cry if there was a cyst - I think I freaked her out a little. But - no cysts! This cycle is a go! I'm waiting for my e2 levels back and official instructions that I'm to start the Gonal tonight. The b/w didn't hurt either. Sometimes it just feels like they are stabbing my arm. I got a free box of Endomet.rin which was nice, considering I now know how expensive it is. And I confirmed the order for all the meds I will get tomorrow. And abused my AMEX to the tune of ~$700 for those meds. Ouch!


I am super, retardedly excited to start this cycle, so I can't wait for the phone call and tomorrow's first injection. (Now I just need to worry about using expired meds and if they're still good... god I hope so. I can't imagine that I wasted all that money.) But! Wish me luck on this cycle! And tell me how beautiful our new puppy (getting her end of May/beginning of June) is!

Mother's Day and iPhones

So Happy Mother's Day* and all that jazz. Yay for moms. Good for you. Thanks especially to the moms in my family for birthing me and my hubs. The end of all that.

So in even more exciting news... iPhones! We has them! We went to the phone store and paid the (gulp) $199 each and have spent the entire weekend with our heads stuck in our phones and apps. And weeee! How do I love it? Let me count the ways... I think I've pretty much sold everyone I've come in contact with on it. They should pay me much for extolling the awesome-ness of the phone. So we've been having lots of fun.

We've officially picked a pup - Blue! We're very excited to officially choose her to be in our family and can't wait for her to come home. I will be on poop duty soon. (Marc does the cats, so I suppose it's only fair that I do the dog, but also fair to point out the daily soon-to-be horse-like poop I will be dealing with.) I hope potty training is easy and fast. So does our still-for-sale-house carpet. Speaking of which, the showings have s..loooo...w...www..eeedddd... big time. We need a miracle this summer. Actually, we need several major ones, so I shouldn't be too specific for what I ask for, since any of the three will do nicely *ahemjobhousebabyahem* but we'd really like them all, if it's not too much to ask. (God, I think something got stuck in my throat/finger knuckles there a second.)

And... last and least, today was the last of the Provera. I really hope that I start my period soon and put all the hormonal nonsense of last week in the past. The s/e's slowly eased off the next day after writing the previous post, and are gone now, so all we need is some crimson tide action. Go Red!

*And I wish an even happier Mother's Day to families who have lost their babies and to those who are trying so desperately to have them. I wish strength onto all of us.

The Never Before Experienced Side Effects of Provera

Or Holy Hot Flashes, Fatigue and Boob Soreness.

Seriously. I took a pregnancy test this morning, just to be sure (I keep replaying the women from 'I didn't know I was pregnant' in my head who swore they took pregnancy tests that were negative and thinking, well if it happened to them...) And that is utterly retarded. *

But, the side effects! My god, they are a-plenty. I'm flashing during the day (not at night, or at least not enough to wake me up) and not as strongly as when I was on Clomid, but enough to feel 'moist' all over. While in my air-conditioned, fanned house wearing a sports bra, very thin pj pants and undies. (Please don't let anyone knock on my door today! I'd burn their eyes out.) I'm tired but that could be attributed to something else**, and my boobs. My god. My boobs. They hu-uuuuuu-urttttttt. They feel so heavy and they are so sore. I have to say, I'm very surprised I'm responding to the Provera this way this time around. I've never had anything remotely approaching this level of side effect, but I'm feeling it now. Oh well. Only four (!!) more days to go and then hopefully I'll start my period.

*But, apparently, not so retarded. I called in to my clinic and left a message asking them about these side effects and they called back and said that Provera is not known to cause them. She asked if I took a HPT before taking Provera (which - duh - I mean, who wouldn't do that?) and I said yes and one this morning (to which she said good) and that they were both negative. She said that my hormones are probably all screwed up and that my estrogen levels could be high, which is causing me not to start, but giving me these s/e's. I asked her if I haven't started my period by what day should I call back and she said to give it a week. Ugggghhhh... So now this cycle may be all FUBAR. I mean, what the fuck? I just hope my hormones get themselves straightened out so I can have a period and start my cycle.

**Yesterday and Monday Anthony's school was closed due to the Swine flu so I got to watch him all day. Monday we went to Chik.F.A and ate lunch. A played in the jungle gym while I watched and came out to eat when he felt like it. We played at the house and he fell asleep before Jen got home. Yesterday we went to the zoo. From 10 am to 1:45 pm. And it. was. hot. I was worn out from all the walking and the heat. And so was A who was a little cranky when we got back to the house, but overall was awesome both days. And it was the coolest thing ever. Other people thought I was his mom (even though I look nothing like him blond/blue vs red/green). And it kinda felt like this could be me and my kid one day. And that was the coolest feeling ever. It was so encouraging to know that one day I WILL be doing this with my own child. I could just, for a moment, picture it, as I pushed A in his stroller through the zoo and watched him play at CFA. I know I will be a mother soon. My time is soon approaching, and I can't wait.

In other 'mother' news, we are picking out a dog this week. We have to decide between Pink girl and Blue girl, before Saturday. They have people coming over to look at the dogs and don't know if they prefer a gender, and if they want a female, they have to know which one is available. So the hard decision is being thought out. As Marc pointed out there is no wrong answer here. We did a preliminary 'which one do you want' and we came up with different answers, of course.

It's so funny. Since the pups were born both Marc and Amy have liked Pink over Blue. Because I'm obstinate and feel bad for the underdog, I liked Blue better. I felt bad that no one else liked her and that they perceived her to be the "not as cool" dog. Pink would cuddle more and seemed to tolerate more than Blue. But I didn't care. I held Blue and figured out that she didn't like being held like Marc and Amy wanted to hold her - she preferred to sit upright and not be as smothered. We played with them last night, trying to decide. I clipped their toes and Pink seemed more bothered by it than Blue. Pink is the fawn colored one, whereas Blue is more apricot (and, to be honest a little bit uglier - lots of black undercoating, with the red and a blond-ish furry like appearance - not smooth coated; we don't really know what she will look like older when all the puppy undercoating falls out). Marc has pointed out that getting a fawn would be neat because then our dog would look different than Amy's adult ones, the parents, who are both apricot. Pink is also about 8 ounces lighter than Blue, and would probably be a smaller dog. I thought as first-ish time dog owners, a smaller dog would be smarter. (Although, as my friend Sarah pointed out, with a giant breed it's like a 100 story building and a 80 story building - big is big, even if one is slightly smaller.) Both seemed to be playful and come when called (as much as five week old pups do). I'm worried that we'll be making our decision with Pink being a little developmentally behind, because she's so small, and we won't see her true personality before we make a decision. Blue is the one who plays more aggressively with her brothers. Both seem inquisitive and will go check things out outside their comfort zone. Blue follows Amy around. Pink seems more delicate. Both are chewing on things already (of course).

So, in our vote last night, Marc chose Blue and I chose Pink. I thought it out and had all my reasons and Marc went with his gut. One of the other reasons I chose Pink is because that's who I thought Marc would like. Because, all along I've liked Blue and am now wondering if I like her because I felt bad for her in the beginning, and have grown more attached. So I need to play with Pink some more to see. Our coin toss also had Blue winning 2 out of 3. I'm thinking we should narrow down some names and see what we like and who we like for it. Marc still loves Leinenkugal (and calling her Leine; like Line-y, which is not my favorite and think sounds like heinie. I think I like Kimble the best so far, but Marc doesn't love it *sigh*).

So, if you have an opinion, vote! Tell me what to do!

Today is also the great laundry day. Marc wants all of his shirts washed. ALL OF THEM. Some of them have started to have an almost chemically smell that he can't stand, so today, out of the kindness of my heart, I am washing them. This also means that I'll be able to sort them in his closet as I please (mwah-hahahaha). I believe I will sort his work shirts by color (like my side) and then his t-shirts by type (comedy, concert tee, sports) and sub-sort those by color. I have to take all his long sleeved 'dress' shirts to be dry-cleaned as well. Fun day for an unemployed wife!

Thank you Swine Flu

Our friend's son's day school is closed, thanks to the swine flu here in Houston, so I'm spending the next couple of days hanging out with him. Marc, with his superior knowledge of everything, thinks all this is over-hyped sensationalism that is completely ridiculous. I agree he has a point. For instance, closing down random schools... so the middle school is closed, but the elementary and high school, where students may have siblings, are open? And all the malls are open, so instead of going to school, people are congregating in other public spots - not exactly helping stop the spread of the virus if some of these people are infected. I'm sure officials are just covering their asses, in case this thing turns out to be real. I told Marc that if I were in the 2ww or even stimming, I probably would not watch Anthony (our friend's 2 year old). His school had a confirmed case and in the off chance I was pregnant or stimming to become pregnant (spending lots of money) I wouldn't want to get sick and throw a cycle away. I still don't want to throw a cycle away, and if I do get sick, I will be pissed, but since I know I'm not pg and only taking Provera to get my period, I figure I should help out since I can.

So that's what my plans are for the week. I was going to maybe visit my sister, but probably not now. I'll just be taking my Provera, hoping to get my period before I take all the pills, and watching Anthony.

It's May Day

The first of ten days of Provera.... done! Yay! Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and the day I can upgrade my cell phone - yay! Marc says we can't afford i.Phones for both of us. Well, really either of us. So I don't know what we're going to get.

I'm trying to stay positive about the beginning of something great; a wonderful cycle where I'll get (AND STAY) pregnant. I also need to make a list of things to ask Dr. M. about at our May 12 phone appointment. By then, I will be done with the Provera, and hopefully really, really close to starting my period, and starting all the doctor visits, bloodwork and scans, injections, and obsessing over everything...

*sigh*

So today is the day. (Technically.) It is 1:29am right now, so it's officially May. And officially the day I get my rx for Provera. After this long wait that feels like it has dragged on for forever. And I'm quite sad. I don't want to POAS tomorrow because I know it will be negative and it just breaks my heart knowing that I have to look at a negative pee stick tomorrow morning. It just really, really sucks and I'm already devastated. I know it'll be a step forward in this process that will eventually lead to a baby, but right now it just hurts.





Oh yeah. And I finally pooped tonight.

Way TMI :::warning:::

But...

I can't poop! WTF? I've been eating like shit all week (yesterday fettuccine alfredo for lunch and the leftovers for dinner) today a muffin, mini burger from Sonic, chips and queso and enchiladas, rice and beans, light ice cream (cuz you know I don't need those calories) with hot fudge and a couple twizzlers. Yeah. Am big fatzo. And feel like big fatzo. And yesterday pooped very easily after lunch, then nothing after dinner. It was difficult. I felt last night and feel today like I need to but can't. And I'm taking my wheat grass! That stuff really helps things along. Not since yesterday afternoon unfortunately. *whine* This sucks... I'm not even on any medicines... I want to poooo-ooop... :( I need to eat better. That may help. But come on wheat grass! Work your intestinal magic!

I bought my baby aspirin and scared the shit out of a nurse (let's call her S) over at the clinic. I called and basically bombarded her with questions (only four, really) and now I have another and I really want to call her again and scare her again. I'm evil heeheehee...
The first: I was wondering if my luteal phase was short because after the med. cycles, I never make it to beta - I always start the period 3-4 days early. So, short LP. I thought that may account for something? Apparently not since its medicated... hmm.. will possibly post and ask to get other expert opinions...
Second: I wanted to have it marked in my chart that I would like to stim for longer this cycle than the last. A "low and slow" approach. I was told that they start me at one unit (75ius) and that is low. So, there you go. Humph. I will then be requesting that I stay low when they bump me up.
The third: What do they look for before testing for the Beta-3 integrin? Except I totally murdered what it's actually called (I called it the endometrial intigin 3 biopsy) and she told me she had no idea what that was. I think she could have figured it out but she said she was new there, so wasn't really sure and that I should ask Dr. M when I talk to her (which - see below).
The fourth: If I could take baby aspirin. I've asked before and told I didn't really need to. Come to find out (from this nurse - not my normal who I don't really like - we'll call her D) that it's SOP for IVF patients and that it wouldn't really hurt, which is what I thought this whole time!!! I'm SO mad! I mean, hello? One of my proteins that affect clotting was slightly elevated! What could it hurt? Could it possibly, even in the littlest, slightest bit help? Then, ok! Let me do it! It's freaking aspirin for fuck's sake! Fucking cow.

I want to call tomorrow and ask her (S) if they test my progesterone with CD3 b/w and during stims, or if they ever have. Because I wonder if I have low progesterone levels. And I want to ask her (new or not) because she's so nice while my regular nurse is out of town. She (D) just makes me feel like my questions are stupid but dammit! I want to be educated. And if they are stupid, then explain it and I won't bother you. Don't just blow me off. Ugh. Anyway, she suggested I set up an appointment with Dr. M. because it sounded like I had a lot of questions about my treatment plan. So I set one up. For MAY 12. That is the first time she is available to talk to me! I can't believe it! Hopefully I'll be near CD3 anyway, so...

I know I go through spurts where I drive them all crazy up there with all my calls and questions, and I know that most of them are stupid because I start scaring myself into thinking I may possibly have a low this or have a defective that. I just am scared. I really don't want to go to IVF and discover something new wrong. I don't want another loss before we get more tests. I just want to know, now. And I know its unreasonable to test me for every fucking thing under the sun, but you know what? I don't care. I think part of it is that I found this super cool website (thanks TTTC boards) that explains hormone levels on the CD they're taken and what it all means! Hallelujah! So now, I'll know exactly how "within normal range" I am. Out of the dark! No more talking over my head for some of this stuff! Now I want to test it out, lol. And use it to help develop new anxiety.

And damn. This will be my second post of the day. Fuck. I tried to keep today's short and non-ramble-y. Guess I fail.

Man

I was reading over my last posts and wow. I sure do ramble. I mean as I'm reading, I realize I basically spew whatever thought pops into my head out onto this blog, but I didn't realize how ramble-y and jump-y and all over the place I was. I understand it, but I suppose I'm used to that kind of chaos in my head.

So I'll keep this uncharacteristically short. I'm going to buy baby aspirin today after reading all the great benefits concerning IF. I'm going to try and stop worrying that I have a uterus that fights being pregnant and not call and demand more testing (like the integrin 3 biopsy). I'm doing laundry. And that is all.

I went to UsRBabies today;

I deserve a medal.
Please give it to me now.

Thank you.


Yes, I went to baby heaven and saw pregnant people, newborns and all sorts of other babies. I saw mothers/grandmas shopping with their daughters/new mommies and baby. I saw significant others' shopping with pregnant others. I saw baby furniture and bedding and strollers and swings and slings (oh my!). And the tiniest little stripe-y socks ever.

And I didn't cry. (Which, my god, I realize how fucking sappy that must make me now. I used to never cry. Now I cry all the time, or at least well up.) And I didn't glare. And I kept my bitter, resentful, infertile self to a minimum in my head. And I melted a little. I saw a beautiful crib on sale and wanted to buy it and then go stick in our storage unit and not feel that guilty when I explained the credit card charge because Marc? He would indulge me my craziness.

Which is what I probably wouldn't have done anyway, though SIL was with me. (Because she would have thought I had TOTALLY gone off my rocker if I had pulled that shit with her.) But it did keep me from calling Marc and explaining the beauty of THIS. CRIB. RIGHT. HERE. and SALE!!! to which he would have been pretty shocked and speechless at me wanting to buy a crib.

And I have a confession. I snuck another pee. I know, I know, I know... I haven't been sleeping well. I constantly think about it and its that damn last pregnancy's fault. I just lie/lay awake thinking about it. And I just have to know. I just have to. It's like I need to prepare myself for something bad, because honestly, either way? Would bring issues. I mean, if negative (which it was and will be for this break cycle - duh) I am so sad. So, so sad. So bummed. So broken. But then I have a plan for next cycle. And if positive,

I mean just typing the possibility of it had me sitting here speechless. But the insane worry and stress and preparation of it being bad, but the hope that its not and the joy of just actually being and... oh my god. Either way, total roller coaster. So I have this need to know and prepare myself. For my period. Or for the number.

I swear, for someone with losses, sometimes the thought of being pregnant is scarier than the fear of not being pregnant at all.

And now I need to take a break from my own head and escape into TV, the boards, Sudoku or my book.

Do you think

I can become a follower to my own blog? I could be the first :)

Oh yeah... approx 22 minutes until CD 31... which is only 3 days until CD 35. I'll actually be calling the clinic this week! Yea!

I'm also planning a trip to Huntsville to visit my sister. Maybe Wednesday. That should be fun. I found out today that my car's inspection sticker expired in February. I blame Marc as he is responsible for car stuff. He claims that is not in his area, and I should be a responsible adult and take care of it on my own. Buh wah??? Respo..? huh? So tomorrow I suppose I'll be going to take care of that before I get a ticket.

In other car news, I've been looking at SUV's and crossovers and etc. at Carmax. You know, because we'll soon need it when I'm knocked up with the very least twins, but most likely triplets and have our huge dog. Then we'll have to trade to a van or something equally attractive and 'family-with-the-hugest-dog-ever friendly'. And won't that be sweet. lol. I am actually excited about getting a bigger car - as a close to six foot tall woman, I like the leg room and being slightly higher off the ground. I've wanted one for a while, but couldn't afford one when I bought my car and now love the gas mileage on my little Honda. But that is just another thing I am looking forward to in my new life, when we have a baby, a new house and a dog. Ah, limbo just rocks.

Oh yeah, and also? I applied for a job as a local, nation-wide pharmacy store manager two weeks ago. Yeah. I have a business degree and customer service skills. That would qualify me, right? Yet I have yet to hear back... so embarrassing. So I applied again. That'll get me hired, right?

I'm tired. And feeling pretty meh, as the tone to this post can attest.

Six Days...

until Provera! We're babysitting the puppies tonight while SIL goes to a party. I've decided to add a picture of just how cute these puppies will be when they get a little older, because I don't think many people know about mastiffs. I mean, look how freaking cute that puppy is! Adorable!! This is just a generic mastiff puppy - I'm not sure on the age.

We just got back from Costco and eating Freebirds, and man am I full. Ugh. So full. I ate way too much. And I've been super moody and hormonal and have been having incredibly vivid dreams. I keep hoping this means that AF is on her way, without Provera, but I doubt it. Today also marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. I know some people have been coming out on Facebook, but there is no way I would do that. Not that I'm ashamed of my infertility, but I just don't want people I barely know knowing that much about me. I am a member of Resolve on Facebook, so people can go see that about me, but it's pretty passive and doesn't really invite conversation. And I'm kinda mad, because there's been something I was wanting to post about, but it has completely slipped my mind. How annoying!!

MIL Visit - Check

So the MIL is gone. She was here for a short while and now she has left. As a result, the past week has flown by and I am gearing up for the weekend (and by gearing up I mean sitting here wondering how it's the weekend already).

I have a little secret. And it's just so stupid. SO STUPID. I keep yelling that at myself because I feel the need to berate myself for doing this... I peed. On a Stick. Last night. OMFG how dumb am I? Let me count the ways... I mean, it's just ridiculous.

1 - It's a break cycle, which mean the chance of something... so low... there are no meds!
2 - Even if I were, it is way too early!! Today is CD 28. Which means I should be starting my period today. Which means, if I listen to those commercials, I shouldn't be taking a HPT until 5 days AFTER my missed period. So yesterday? Not the right time.

I mean duh. I am most shamed by this. Of course it was negative. At least it was only a $1 test. No more testing until next Friday. I just keep hoping I'll get AF so I don't have to worry about taking Provera. That would be the best* thing ever!

This weekend we're going to my parents for the birthdays. Like I mentioned in my previous post there have been 3 birthdays in 2 days in my family. One of those was my SIL, which is why my MIL came into town. The other two were my dad and brother (on the same day). So this weekend, we're getting together for that and my mom's birthday, which is next weekend. My entire family (mom, dad, bro, sis) all have birthdays within less than one month of each other. Mine is the lone outlier. I suppose we'll get together for my sister's birthday and Mother's (barf) Day soon.

*Well, obviously not THE best, but we're working on the not-pregnant assumption

The past couple of days

Not a whole lot has been happening... I'm counting down the days until CD 35 (10 days from now - whoopee!), fluctuating between being super excited about the puppy and freaking out about the storage situation and celebrating birthdays.

We're on a break cycle, which means I'm drinking. There have been three family birthdays in the matter of 2 days. So yea! Happy B-day and all that. So Sunday night I go out with my SIL and a couple other people. Marc hits the first bar with us, then goes home (like an intelligent person). We continue on. Now, I have not gone out in a while. A long while. Needless to say, my tolerance for the alcohol is pretty low. So when I continue drinking on an empty stomach (SO smart, I am) it is no shock that I end up drunk. It is a shock that I am so sick the next day, I couldn't keep anything down before 1:00 pm. This was yesterday. Today I'm feeling better. THANK GOD. I'm glad I got that out of my system, because I have a feeling its going to be a long time before I do that again - hopefully not until 2010. It's likely that another break cycle will result in me going to a bar, although not being as crazy.

Marc's mom is coming in town tomorrow, so I planned to spend the day cleaning and re-hydrating myself. Just taking it easy and making sure I'm 100% and feeling normal. I decide that I can put off cleaning the house until tomorrow (the day she gets here), because 1) I am lazy and 2) I didn't feel like cleaning and 3) I wanted to make Marc feel a little bad because I think he's been slacking on his part of the chore situation around here (which makes me feel bad, because I'm unemployed, so taking care of the house IS my job... while he's at work all day making, you know, real money to support us) and I knew that if I were cleaning in front of him he'd feel bad. But it's HARD to clean up someone else's (adult) mess every day.

So procrastination. This - I am good at. Did some grocery shopping and what not and had a wonderful day feeling better. Until I got a phone call for a house showing. They wanted to see the house in less than an hour. ARGGGH. So I busted ass and cleaned the hell out of my house.

I realize the irony of bitching about a showing (which really I'm not - I'm more bitching at the timing) when I'm freaked that we won't sell it. And I realize that if I really wanted to bitch about timing, the showing would have been yesterday when I felt like complete and utter shite. But you know. It was still a PITA. But at least my house is clean for MIL and I don't have to clean it tomorrow.

Today a thought struck me... its one I've had for a while, although not necessarily in this context. So I was thinking - when will I have learned? I grew up with a religious upbringing, and part of me still thinks that somehow, God is trying to teach me something. That God won't let me get (and stay - a very important distinction) pregnant, that I still have something to discover, to prove to... something. I don't really know. And I don't even believe it, this grown-up "Catholic school girl guilt" if you know what I mean. Some way for me to rationalize why I haven't been able to get/stay pregnant. That I won't be blessed with a child until - fill in the blank. And, rationally, I know this is a load of shit, this imaginary test I must pass to be good enough to be a mother, but I still catch myself thinking it sometimes.

And, so not to end on such a serious note - the puppies are opening their eyes! It's so cute. They're finally starting to stand a little and and getting bigger and bigger. I can't wait until they're older and even cuter. Right now, it doesn't look like we'll be bringing home a puppy until the beginning of June, so there's some relief there, but I'm still feeling the pressure to sell this house.

All Anxiety All the Time

So after reading back my last entry, I realize how neurotic I've been. Because now, I have a whole new set of worries. We are getting a puppy. This is something I've dreamed about for years. I've wanted to move and get a house with a yard so we could have a dog since... um, well... spring of 2006. Seriously. So the fact that we are now getting a puppy has me excited beyond belief.

So I've been researching and trying to see what we need for a puppy and dog and now I'm starting to freak out a little bit. We're getting a mastiff. We haven't had a showing in over a week. We bought a crate. We have nowhere to put it. We bought some puppy food. We have nowhere to put a puppy's bowl. We have nowhere to put the cats food so the dog won't get it. We are stuck in this house. Cue anxiety. I need someone to buy our house NOW. Before, we were pretty laissez-faire about selling the house. That was before. Now, we need to get rid of it and in a new house with a yard and more space.

When I bought the crate, it barely fit into my car. Now, we plan on taking the dog with us when we go to San Antonio, and taking the fold-able crate for the dog while we're there. Or, if not that, taking the dog to my parents' so they can watch it - but also taking the crate for her to sleep in. So how in God's name are we going to take us, the crate and the dog in our cars? Anywhere? In either of them?? Cue panic. We were planning on getting an SUV when we had a baby. Well... now I'm thinking we should get a SUV ASAP.

And after reading the last post about anxiousness of where we would move - well, I'm still worried about that, but now I'm MUCH more worried about actually selling this damn house and being able to move. After so much time wanting to move... it makes me mad we didn't list our house earlier. I should have demanded it. But someone wanted to wait. I brought it up to the point of nagging. And was put off for excuse after excuse. And now the market is shit and we don't have room for our dog and we're never going to sell and we won't be able to go anywhere.

**deep breaths**

It will all work out. We will be fine. Soon I'll be sitting in my new house, pregnant or with my baby, husband and dog, with a wonderful job freaking out about something else. Limbo will be over. And this will be a distant memory.

PS - and also - we so didn't score another break cycle BFP. I can just feel it. Counting down the days to Provera time.

"You Can Drink Now, Right?"

Yes, unfortunately. So nothing really happening on the IF front. Still in the middle of a break cycle. Still trying to make the best of the break cycle. Doing the procreation dance every other day to up our chances. Taking (worthless) OPK sticks every morning. And having (TMI) a whole SHITLOAD of CM. I mean, dripping down my leg lot. Seems really weird to me. I've never had this happen before. And its obviously not fertile CM, because of the drippiness and non-egg-white-ness- feeling. So, I wonder what it means. Must be an overabundance of some hormone or something right? Maybe from all the procreation dancing (I'm testing this phrase to see if I like it or if it sounds a little... gai).

In other news... Puppies! Were! Born! Euchre had 7 puppies; 5 boys (hmmph) and 2 girls. Since Amy, Marc and I are all partial to girl dogs, we were a little saddened (well, me and Amy especially, since I think Marc was feeling defensive about his gender there) about all the boys. But they're here! And they are all healthy and doing great! Euchre isa great mom, cleaning them and being super protective of them and feeding them. Marc and I were there for the births of the last 6 (we just missed the first born) and I actually caught the 7th as it was coming out of her (she was standing up and I didn't want it to fall on the floor). Overall, the birthing process went from 1:30pm to 8:30pm, which is pretty normal. Marc and I are struggling over names right now. I've got a list going of the ones we like, but girl names are so much harder than boy names. We seriously have over ten boy names we like. But very few we both like for girls. We'll find something though.

I've applied to a school district to teach in and am working on applying to more. I didn't realize the application process would require a writing sample about you had a success story with a child (thanks KISD for that load of shite) so its taking some time. Job fairs should be coming up soon. I'm super nervous about the prospect of teaching, but know that I NEED a job! Especially for when we sell the house and then are making mortgage payments on a more expensive one. Eek!

Speaking of the house, we seem to have a couple of interested parties, but no offers. The outside was just painted, so that's nice... all we need now are some offers!! Of course, my big fear now is that we'll have no idea where to move to once the house is sold and we'll have to make some big decisions quickly. Of course, if all this could happen in time for the puppy to come home (to the new house) that would be GREAT. So we don't have to worry about a puppy in the house we're trying to sell.