So Fucking Pissed

I'm just so goddamned pissed and upset right now. I just got back from the RE's. I started my period Friday, so I knew this cycle was a bust. So I was thinking, ok we'll just do a cycle day 3 scan for cysts. And, of course, I have cysts. Two big fat cysts on my right ovary. I know they're "normal" but what the fuck ever. Like I care. So we're on a forced break cycle. Yip-ee. To add insult to injury, they insisted on doing a HCG test anyway. Because all those negative pee sticks, and, I don't know, the presence of my PERIOD mean nothing apparently. And it hurt. And they can all go take a flying leap. Fuck them all. I'm just so goddamned pissed off at the world right now.

I know I technically could have had a chemical pregnancy, and I know they want to make absolutely sure I'm not pg, but really? I started my period rather early. So, no. Not likely a chem pg. And if it was, do they really think I want to know that? That my period was actually a m/c? Yes, that would be quite lovely. Miscarriage number 3. And, if I am pregnant, what are the chances that I'm actually going to stay pregnant? I just had the heaviest fucking bleeding - seriously, soaking through super tampons in two hours - so you know; great sign for a healthy pregnancy.

To top it all off, this weekend was my first estimated delivery date. So, if things hadn't gotten all FUBAR with my first pregnancy, we could have a baby right now. Isn't that thrilling to know.

I seriously just can't be happy about anything or for anyone right now. It's not fair. All these recent pregnancy announcements on the board are making me sad. And then I feel like a horrible person for being so jealous and miserable.

I could have handled (and did) a negative pg test. A negative cycle. But this forced break I can't. Because last time we were on a forced break I got pg. So now, my hopes (and even more sadly, Marc's) are going to be ridiculously high... when they shouldn't be, because that pregnancy was SUCH a fluke. I know my body doesn't work that way. And when it doesn't work and I'm not pregnant 35 days later and have to start Provera... it's just going to be a lot harder. For both of us.

May 1. 35 days later I'll test so I can start Provera. Just to get a period. May 1 before we get to start doing anything again. It feels so far away.

Yeah so forget everything I wrote in that last post

because I started my period last night.

Yeah.

So that feeling different thing? Not so much different as in about to start my period. Which, really... not so different. And it hur-ts and is heavy. funfunfun

A Confession

So I've been testing. Since 8dpiui. All negative. Today is 11dpiui and it's still negative. I really thought this cycle had done something - I just felt different. I know that sounds strange, but... man. I know there's still time, and that it still could have worked and that I've been testing way too early, but I just thought it would be nice if it were positive early. Oh well.

Marc saw one in the trash and asked why I tested. I gave him an excuse, because, I honestly don't know what to say to explain my actions. They're just dollar store tests. What's the big deal? I suppose he's right.

By different, I mean, that I've had super sensitive boobs all throughout (which I've been told is nothing) that I only had when I was pregnant the first time and is a symptom I thought would come back when I was pg again. My boobs feel heavier and larger and just... sore. Taking them out of a bra - man. Totally crazy. I've also been tired early, something that only happened when I was pg. I have had trouble sleeping. Vivid dreams. I was super bloated the first week (probably until 7 or 8 dpiui) and then lately I've had weird cramps. Sometimes it feels like I'm about to start my period, sometimes its just weird twinges and stuff. Actually, I guess I should say I've had that throughout the 2ww.

Maybe its just my body getting re-acclimated to all this again. All the meds and hormones. I told Marc the other night that if this worked it would be like a freaking miracle. To get pg 3 times out of 4 iuis? Man. (Granted, one of those was a break cycle and doesn't really count as a pg by iui, but still.) I told him that I wasn't expecting this first cycle back to work and that it would be like we were easing back into things and this was just a warm up. A practice run, you might say. I also told him the percentages were against us with this stuff, so he should not be surprised when it doesn't work and should be surprised when it does. I'm just being logical. He said I should be more positive. (I really wanted to remind him of the conversation we had after the 2nd m/c - he (or anyone else) doesn't get to tell me how to feel about all of this.)

I'm also afraid that by not getting a positive test yet, that means there isn't a lot of HCG in my system, which means that IF I am pg, my beta will be low. And that sucks. Because the last time I had a low beta I miscarried. And I had a negative test the Saturday night before the Monday beta. So yeah. But so, a negative test this morning. We only have a couple more days. I hope, if it is negative that AF just shows up so I don't have to get a stupid blood test.

What a Good Post

So I read this and decided to copy and link to the article because it brought me to tears and was just dead on. And is something I wish all my friends and family would read lol.

How to be Good Friends with an Infertile
I have quite a few ‘normal’ friends (i.e. not infertile) who read this blog. (I am so far out the closet it is frightening, even my brother and ex flirts read this blog). Imagine how confusing most of the lingo must be for them. Anyhow. Back to the point of this post. One of those friends said to me “I wish you would write about how to be a good friend to an infertile person”. Which is really sweet of her and shows she has already passed one of the requirements. So I started thinking about writing a post on this and realized what a hard task this is. How do you become a Good Friend to an Infertile?

Firstly, I have to say that this being a Good Friend to an Infertile is not an easy job at all. It is a job with fluid parameters, a thankless job sometimes and one where it might appear that no matter how hard you try, you never seem to get it right. There are times when you will be extremely busy and the job is very demanding. There are other times where you will benched, forced to sit on the outside looking in. There is not often any logic in this change of demand. Be aware of the volatility of work pressure when applying for this job. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.
Secondly, there is not a universal job description, and worst of all, your job duties will change over time. There is not a universal job description because Infertiles come in different flavors. True, one can categorize these flavors to some extent, but variations will always exist. Your eternal optimist / newbie / completely uninvolved infertile doesn’t need too much in the way of special friendship; they believe the problem is temporary and will get resolved soon. They don’t feel broken, different or an outcast. Your longer term / highly involved infertile is a very tricky beast, and is one to be handled with great caution and protective gloves (for you, not her). This person feels alienated from society and carries great pain and angst in their souls. They might not show it all the time, but there is a very sensitive, raw spot in their souls that is easily bruised. Then you get the older timers, who’ve been doing this so long it just becomes part of who they are. These infertiles have gone through the great angst and intense pain of the ‘dark years’ and have come out realizing that while infertility is shit, it is not all consuming. And instead of crying, they laugh. Because infertility is actually a comedy of errors, sometimes.
Infertiles tend to move through these stages at different pace. Which makes it very hard being a Good Friend to an Infertile, because the type of friendship involved is so different at each stage. It is very very hard being a Good Friend to someone stuck in the dark stage of infertility. It is a very painful place for an infertile to be. There is no hope, just a great deep dark sense of despair. You feel totally alienated from the rest of the world and you are consumed by your situation. Every thing hurts, and every thing has the power to hurt you. Your world shrinks to the world of infertility and you fight tooth and nail to protect the fragile hold you have on sanity. The best advice I can give to a Good Friend at this stage is to offer friendship and support, from a distance. Say things like “I am here for you if you want to talk, or not talk, or drink, or swear, or shop. But if you don’t want to that’s perfectly ok. I’ll be here waiting for you when YOU are ready to come out the cave”. If you can bear it, hang in there, your friendship should return to some semblance of its previous form once your Infertile has worked her way through her dark despair. It has nothing to do with you or you ability to friend, it has every thing to do with her coping with the horrible reality of her situation. Being a Good Friend to the eternal optimist or the good-humored veteran is a lot easier, with these few survival tips.

1. Good Friends never judge. Remember that unless
you’ve walked in the person’s shoes, you can’t say “well I would never….do IVF/terminate a pg/spend so much money on ART etc” To be honest, who likes judgmental people any way.
2. Good Friends will educate themselves about what their Infertile is going through. HUGE proviso: see point 3 before putting any thing into action. Read up about infertility so that you get a high-level understanding of the intricacies involved. Know little things like eggs are retrieved, then fertilized and they become embryos. Then the embryos are put back. Just small things so that when your infertile does share some of her world with you, you will understand. I think this shows commitment to the friendship.
3. However. Do not willy nilly offer advice, or hot off the press latest research about a fantastic new procedure that is sure to work. Remember the stuff they write about in your local woman’s magazine is stuff that your Infertile did in Infertility 101. Been there, failed that. ICSI is not a new procedure, I promise. And yes, we have heard of taking cough syrup to increase cervical mucous. Oh, and for my Aunt, yes I have heard of lying with my legs in the air after having sex. Unfortunately, I have PCOS and don’t ovulate so I could be lying with my legs in the air doing bicycle movements till the cows come home and all the sperm are going to do is mill around confused asking where the fuck the egg is, bemoaning the fact that this has been a useless trip out and they might as well have had a wank. Which goes back to Point 2. Educate yourself about your friend’s diagnosis so that you can avoid offering pointless advice.
And please, what ever you do, never, ever be so stupid as to say “just relax”. Would you say to a cancer patient “just relax”? Would you say to someone who can’t see “just relax”? Of course you wouldn’t. Plus you have to know that “just relaxing” will not change the medical diagnosis that is causing your friends infertility. Because of course you’ve done enough reading to carry on an intelligent conversation, if your Infertile decides to engage you in one.
4. Platitudes. Never ever offer platitudes. This is a totally selfish act any way because all platitudes do is make you feel better and the Infertile feel worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly stupid thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin etc”. Infertility is a medical condition. Not some factor in the universe’s bigger plan for the Infertile. Similar to “its God will”. How the fuck do you know? You have a direct connection or what? How about “are you sure you want kids?” lovingly looking at your own screaming kids. No dear, I am spending thousands and enduring physical, emotional and mental anguish just because I am obscenely stupid. Or “you can have mine”. Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke? Call me stupid. In addition, please don’t tell me about your friend/cousin/co-worker who got pg naturally after 8 years of trying. It doesn’t make me feel better, it depresses me. Good for her. It’s got nothing to do with my situation.
5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.
6. The level of involvement. Infertiles differ in the level of involvement they engage their Good Friends in. Some, like me, are pretty open about the whole thing. Every Friend and their Mother knows when I am going in for ER, ET or whatever. Other people prefer to keep their infertility private. Find out what your Infertile prefers and operate at the level she feels comfortable with.
7. Which brings to me to my final point. If you don’t know how to act, ask. I love that my friends ask me how I want them to act around me. They also know that if they ask the question “how is it going with your treatment” I will either tell them or I will say “irritating, I don’t want to talk about it now”. They totally respect that and don’t push. I have great friends.

There have been many articles written on the web about what to say and not to say to an Infertile, how the family should act etc. I wont go into those. If you are a Good Friend you will have done a little surfing and read those things anyway. Besides, this post is already way too long.
To end off, if you decide to accept the job of Good Friend to an Infertile, I applaud you. Because it is not an easy job. It really isn’t. As I have said, it’s a pretty thankless job and one in which your job description is so fluid that what is required today is wrong tomorrow. I thank those of my Good Friends who have stuck around so long with me. I know it hasn’t been easy. I appreciate your friendship, I really do.

Weird Dreams

So San Antonio was great. We didn't really do anything fun - watched movies both nights and generally didn't do anything. I had vivid dreams one night that funnily enough was very similar to one George had, which was funny. We ate great (like always) thanks to George.

So last night I had a weird dream about starting my period. :( So I guess we'll see what happens there. My boobs have already gotten less tender (I think it was the trigger that caused the sore boobies side effect in the first place - I was just hoping that some real sore boobie symptom would take its place). Anyway, so there's nothing new to report. I am 8dpiui today. I'm going to be running to the dollar store later to pick up some pee sticks, although I may wait to so I don't get tempted to pee early. I know knowing really won't make a difference in anything. But you know. Knowing would mean I would know. Ah, now I'm just talking in circles.

In other news, we got accepted into the Attain program! Whoo-hoo! So if we decide to spend $23,400 for 3 IVF and 3 FET cycles, we can. Well, I guess with a guarantee of 70% back if it doesn't work. We have 60 days to accept or not. I think we'll do a couple more IUI's before we do IVF. So we may need to re-apply later. But at least all the tests are done so if we want to or need to convert a cycle to IVF we can.

March the 18th

We had a showing! And they were interested! And we had a Realtor call Amy who said that she had a client who was interested (she saw the house last week)! So yay for all the interest on the house!

Today and tomorrow is when the implantation should occur, if there be any fertilized anythings to implant. We'll see. So the cleaning for the house this morning was light. And I haven't exerted myself and I plan on doing nothing but sitting on my ass all the live long rest of the day. And possibly tomorrow.

The BLOAT

Oh. My. God. I feel like I've gained 20 pounds. All in my stomach. The bloat is unbelievable. I'm still taking the wheat grass, but today it doesn't seem to be doing much, like it has in the past week or so. I just sit here, hoping to fart and burp to try to get rid of some of this.

And, after that lovely intro - Happy St. Patrick's Day! I plan on going up to Sherlock's with the gang today, so that's exciting. I know its so not what I "should" do while trying to get pregnant and spending lots of money to get pregnant, but I plan on drinking tonight. I just don't think its going to make a difference in whether or not I get and stay pregnant. I mean, the last two pregnancies, I was so good. I didn't drink any alcohol, much less caffeine, etc. I drank a ton of water. I ate healthier. And none of it did any good. So right now - I'm not going to stress about it. What happens will happen, whether I drink today or not. Whether I have a soda today. Or not. What I do today will not have much impact on whether I get pg (within certain limits, of course). So I plan on having a good time. I'm not going to get drunk, I'm not going to get crazy. But, I'm going to have a good time hanging out with friends. Last night, today, tonight or tomorrow morning, the sperm should fertilize the egg. I got worried this morning after reading about a WTF appointment from someone who did IVF with a negative result who said that her eggs may not have been fully mature because she stimmed so fast - under 8 days. Well, I only stimmed for 7 days, so now I'm a little worried that my eggs weren't mature enough. Oh well. I'll guess we'll see. Wednesday or Thursday should be implantation day. I just keep visualizing whats going on in there to hopefully get my body and the spermies to cooperate. Hopefully, the luck of the Irish will be with me! Fertilize egg! Fertilize!

IUI #4 This Morning

And now I am tired. Everything went well. The nurse who did the IUI said I was "easy" because the IUI was easy to do on me. Apparently, I'm very "open" down there and it was easy to get everything in. Well, gee! They sure know how to flatter a girl! Afterward I made a trip to Costco and then the grocery store. The maids were at the house (yay for a clean house) so I hung out with Amy and Ponch and had lunch with them. By the time I got home, I was super tired and bloated as hell. The prescibed sexy time happened, but I was freaked out that what happened last time (the horrible, horrible waves of pain through my abdomen) would happen again, so I was careful and, thankfully, nothing happened. So now we wait. Although the goal right now is to just get pregnant, I'm kinda freaked about it and worried about staying pregnant. But, one step at a time. First I just need to get pregnant.

Things Are a Go!

So tonight I trigger. We went to the RE this morning and got blood work and a scan and got the phone call to trigger tonight at 9:30pm. We had 2 mature-ish follies (15mm and 16mm) and one that was pretty close. I don't know what my estrogen levels were as I got a message, but hopefully we aren't triggering too early. This means the IUI will be Monday morning. I kinda wanted it to be on St. Patrick's Day, because that's when we got engaged, but it's close enough. I'm kinda torn as to how much I'm going to really be partying. I don't really want to drink a lot, but at the same time was looking forward to celebrating with Amy. Since I'd only be one day past the IUI I think I'll just have a couple of drinks, but not over do it. But I'm pretty excited about the IUI! I hope it goes really well!

Hysteroscopy This Morning

So this morning was my pain-free completely cool hysteroscopy. I got to see the inside of my uterus and my fallopian tubes - in real time on a screen with a camera. It was awesome! And, everything looked good, thank god. I also have one good sized follicle on each ovary (a 10 and a 13) so that's good. My e2 is only 275, but we're lowering my stims to 75iu's and go back on Saturday morning.

But now I'm really stuck with what we do next. We're getting everything ready to move to IVF because we felt like that's what we 'should' do; the logical next step, after what will be our fourth IUI this cycle. I'm excited about it - about moving forward...

BUT after talking with Dr. M today, I'm even more unsure. She basically said that it was a matter of patience - whether we want a baby NOW or if it's ok with us if it takes a bit longer. All our problems are with my reproductive system and as she puts it I'm young - 27. But DH is 41. (His stuff is fine and I know it doesn't really matter how old he is IF wise, but as he puts it, he doesn't want to be the grandpa on the playground with our kid(s).)

We've been at the RE for a little over a year (off BCP to get pg since Jan 2006) and after 2 pregnancies and 2 subsequent m/c's I know I can get pg without IVF... but I also want to get and stay pg NOW. But I don't want to spend the $$ for IVF if we can get pg without it and I know IVF won't necessarily help me stay pg, but I also know that if there are problems with us tests haven't brought up so far, IVF could reveal them. We did just get diagnosed with the MTHFR mutation so its possible that that could explain one or both of the m/c's and that more IUI's would lead to a successful, viable pregnancy. Ugh. I'm so stuck. I would love it if this wasn't even an issue in a couple of weeks.

IUI #4 Update

So I got the e2 results from this morning - it's at 124. Not the greatest, so I'm kinda bummed about that, but hopefully they'll get better. I am to continue the 150iu and then go in Thursday for a scan and more bloodwork, along with the hysteroscopy.

Tomorrow is the OB GYN yearly. The nurse was calling to confirm my appointment and I told her I had the pap done at HIVF, so she wondered if I really needed to come in at all. She confirmed that I would come in when I found out I was pg and that we could do everything then. I agreed until she said, well I guess we don't know how long it'll take for you to get pg. And I told her I had been with HIVF for over a year. And she said, well then you should definitely come in. I know she didn't mean to imply that it would take me even LONGER to get pg, but seriously. It's called tact and thinking before you speak. Needless to say, I'm going in tomorrow, for what is promising to be a rather unpleasant day. I get to recap the entire year for her. Joy.

Wheatgrass for me!

So after reading about it, and (more importantly) reading about all the people who have gotten pregnant while taking wheatgrass, I've decided to buy some and try it. I don't know how long it'll take for the stuff to take effect, but I'm hoping that it will work its magic by this cycle's IUI. And if this cycle doesn't work (which - positive vibes here!) then the wheatgrass should continue all those great things and hopefully make the IVF cycle fantastic. I'm convinced that its just a matter of time. This year will be different and things will be great.

Never thought I'd be here tonight

I just took the first injectible shot tonight since last October. I know its weird, but I really, really thought that there wouldn't be anymore shots until IVF time. We got pregnant again right after that cycle on a break cycle and I just thought - ok this is it. For real - like not even for IVF. I can't imagine myself giving myself any more shots - like I literally can't see it. I'm done. And tonight, it all started again. I'm excited to be starting up again, don't get me wrong, but I'm also kinda surprised that I did it. That I had to do it. That I looked down and saw myself give myself a shot. It doesn't really seem real.

And while part of me is all lament-y and stuff, another part is all - YYYEAAAHHH!!!! We're really doing this again - wah-hoo! I just hope this isn't a throwaway cycle before we move to IVF. I really hope this one works. Even if I am using 'old' meds. So 150iu of Gonal tonight, tomorrow and Monday, and then doctor appt Tuesday so see where we are. Marc's coming with to get communicables tested again and then Thursday, I'll get the hysteroscopy.

Today was also the last day of Saturday class for me at ACT... only Monday and Tuesday left! It honestly feels like throwaway classes. I mean, we're learning good stuff, but it's just so close to the end. We've passed the tests and made it through the projects. It just feels like there's not much else to get through. I guess the hardest part is yet to come.

Today was also Mike's memorial service. RIP Mike. I wish I had gotten to know you better, but I liked what I knew and liked hanging out with you and Anne.

We have a showing tomorrow, which I really hope goes well. I told Amy today that I'm not optimistic, and that I don't care if the house just sits on the market - I'd rather it be listed than not - know what I mean? I just don't think there's a market out there right now. No one's buying. But I'd rather the house be listed than not. Just in case. Everyone needs SOMEWHERE to live, right? Why not here?

We also found out today that Euchre got all knocked up. I swear. First time being poked and she gets babies (I mean, is this seriously fair?!? Not that I wish I had gotten KU the first time I was 'poked' or anything, but come on!). We get first pick - heehee! I'm so excited to get a little Winston/Euchre pup! They're going to be the MOST beautiful little beebees ever. And, that means we get a dog!!! The cats will freak, but I'm just so excited. I heart dogs and have wanted one for so long. I'll also be helping Amy take care of them, as much as she needs me to, anyway. How fun!

This Makes Me Heartsick

http://www.sweet-juniper.com/2009/02/i-scrapper.html

and angry and sad and shocked and appalled and... well just about speechless.

OK. What. The. Fuck.

I so thought today was the day. I so thought wow, I can't believe this, I'm starting my period today, which is even better than I thought. I didn't think I'd start until Friday. And then my schedule would be all fucked up because I have class on Saturday I DO NOT want to miss. Actually, I take that back. I will not miss that class. So I don't really know what that would mean and when I'd go in. So yeah. The cramping it started. There was discharge. I was well on my way. And then it all stopped. Or stalled. I prefer stalled. Meaning that it will eventually start up again. Soon. God I hope it starts again soon. I don't want to jinx myself out of it. Maybe I'll just go to bed now.

Update

So I passed my sickness onto Marc, and he has not enjoyed it at all. I think he's finally getting over it though. Monday was my last day on Provera and I think I'm starting a little bit today. The cramps are coming and I've had some spotting. I hope this is the real thing. I took a pg test this morning, knowing it would be negative in hopes that it would spur AF to action, so it might have worked. I won't be able to call today day one though, its looking like. So we'll see. I'm excited that this is finally starting up again. It feels like its been so long.

I only have 3 more classes left of my teacher training, so that's exciting. I need to finish the last couple of tickets, but after that I should be mostly done. Last week I had my mini teach which was extremely nerve-wracking, but done. And my teacher said I did really well and that I was "a natural". Whoop-ee! It was very gratifying to hear that and makes me feel much more confident. And, Amy and I both passed our ESL certification tests. So we can now be more marketable as potential teachers and hopefully find great jobs. I'm not 100% sure about teaching to these kids - at least for my first year, I'd like to at least have a 'normal' class without the higher demands and pressures, but I don't know that that will be possible.

The house hasn't seen any more action, for which we are incredibly bummed about. I just can't help but think about the timing of everything and I really, really hope that it will all work out together (the baby and the house) and SOON. I just kinda feel like we're in some strange limbo period, and have been for about a year now. I just wish something would happen. And now seems like the worst time, economically, for us to be in this situation.

Uck...Yack...

I'm just now getting over being sick. I started feeling badly the day after we got back from Mexico, so I'm guessing it's something I picked up on the plane (probably from those damn babies) or airport. Or it could have been all the ugly ranting from the last post, which, after re-reading seems excessive, but I'm not going to delete or edit it. I blame the hormones. The sore throat, the sinus headaches, the sneezing, etc. Man it's been ugly. At least all I've needed to this past week was do laundry, clean up the house and read the Sookie Stackhouse books, which I've done. At least until book 7. I'm waiting for book 8 to arrive in the mail. Whee!

We had one showing this weekend, which seemed promising. Of course we haven't heard anything and they didn't have a pre-approval letter, so I'm guessing it wasn't a serious buyer.

This week I have to concentrate on finishing my assignments for my ACT classes. I have a major presentation due Saturday that I have to put together this week. And I have the ESL test on Wednesday afternoon that I'll spend all morning studying for.

I'm on day 4 of the Provera. No sign of AF, so I'm guessing it'll take the full course before I get anything. Which, according to my past history means I should be starting my period around March 6. Which would mean a tame St. Patrick's Day for me, as I'll likely be in the 2ww.

Back from Vacation

It was a lot of fun. Cancun was very cool, Chichen Itza was awesome and Isla Mujeres was muy excelente.

Until the flight back.
The flight - fine.
The emptiness of the plane - great.
The amount of time it took to get through the airport/customs on both sides - surprisingly incredibly fast.
The mommies and daddies with the little babies all around who would only talk to each other about their trip and no one else and who were all around us and made up over half the flight and whose little babies screamed on the plane and who at least two of them pooped - my worst fucking nightmare.
It didn't help that I was feeling all hormonal and started to cry. (No one really noticed as I'm always appalled to cry in public and around people and was therefore silent and non obvious (I hope).) But there it is. Everything hit me at once.

Before two of the mommies started comparing notes, the younger mommy (w/ a 3 mth old) was showing off her baby. I failed at being overly impressed.

It was all just TOO MUCH. It was shoved down our throats. It made me want to sit up and scream at her/them 'Do you think I wouldn't like to have my own baby by now how much did yours cost how many died before you got that one and fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou I would have been 34 weeks right now OR around 18 weeks right now and then you would have talked to me you bitches fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou'. But I'm getting myself all upset again and having the nice cry I couldn't yesterday.

I feel like I should be starting my period anytime. I've had cramping off and on the last week, but nothing. There's been spotting after the sexy time, but that's all. And I took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative. I'm due to start Provera on Saturday, so I'll need to call in and get them to renew the prescription tomorrow so I can start them on Saturday after another negative test.

Let me tell you though - that break cycle non-miracle sure had my hopes up for a repeat. They sure did crash down hard after last night's test.

And now I'm off to finish the laundry, my homework and maybe read some.

Some good news: our house is officially listed. Townhouse buyers welcome.

New Stuff

So I've been playing with different free backgrounds I've found online... and I'm so happy with the new one! It's so cute and I've had so much fun playing and picking different colors... I just love it.

So long

so so so so so long since I've updated my blog...

Let's see... what is today? Feb.9. Maybe it hasn't been too long. There's not really much going on.

I have class tonight... that's all going well. I got pretty frustrated with my last class (Saturday) as we basically read out loud everything we were supposed to read at home. I mean, what's the freaking point of that? Felt like a total waste of time. Half a class day on Saturday and then... MEXICO!!! Whoo-hoo! Super excited about that. And that we'll be gone, just the two of us for so long. We don't usually take vacations, just the two of us, so I'm pretty excited about it. Let's see if I can use 'just the two of us' in another sentence in this post, because I seem to be on a roll. I also am scheduled to take the ESL test which will qualify me to teach ESL (although I'm not sure I want to). Amy and I passed the generalist 4-8 exam, so I am now techincally qualified to teach EC-8. Go me.

I have two observations scheduled this week at my mom's school; Wednesday with 1st grade and Friday with 4th. I'm pretty excited about the 4th grade appointment, but also nervous since it'll be the day before V-day and I'm worried that it won't be a 'typical' day. And, I don't know when I'm supposed to be there. So, that's kinda frustrating. The rest of the week includes happy hour Wednesday with Sarah (after observing), homework for Saturday's class that I haven't started, packing for our trip, movie day tomorrow with Amy (to see Bride Wars, He's Just Not That Into You, and Shopaholic - can you say chick-flick-a-palooza?) and I should probably go into my moms class again to see a 'typical day'... I guess on Thursday.

Overall, this week should be pretty busy, which is a nice change. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that what with the construction and classes lately I'm not just sitting here. Today I applied for part-time, no brainer admin/ office assistant jobs. I'm really hoping something comes through. I figure with the classes, observing, IF treatments, etc. it would be great to get something part time to help with the monthly expenses. (especially if (knockonwood) I get something at Memorial Hermann hospitals, who cover IVF in their insurance so we wouldn't have to worry about, oh well anything financially - but we're going to keep this real quiet and not anger the karma gods who don't like it when you talk about things like this shhhhhh) And we got the test results back from the retested proteins s and c - both negative or normal. So that's good. I have to say, I'm looking forward to starting this whole thing up again, unbelievably. We're doing an IUI during the cycle we're doing the hysteroscopy for application into the IVF Shared Risk program. We are hesitating spending so much on IVF since I've gotten pregnant twice without it. So we'll see. I would love to not have to do IVF just because it would take so much financial stress off us. (I just reread that sentence and thought well duh. No one wants to spend that kind of money... retarded-ness personified here.)

I'm also hoping that our house will be listed by the end of the week. I WAS hoping it would be listed earlier, but what are you gonna do? George came in town last week, which was nice. She stayed with us and we worked on painting Amy's bathroom.

So that's about it. Let's see... Just the two of us. There. Done.