So this morning was the scan and b/w check. I have 5 measurable follicles; 14, 14, 13, 12, 11... or something like that. My lining is at 11.3 - awesome! She said that I most likely would be coming in daily or almost daily. It all depends on my estrogen levels. So we'll see.. Things are definitely happening in there!
**Edited to add:
e2 levels at 559! Yay! I'm doing another 150iu of Gonal tonight and going in again tomorrow morning. I'm kinda mad because I was under the impression that I would maybe go two more days - to stim for 8 days total, not 7 :( The way it's sounding now, I may be triggering tomorrow for a Friday IUI, which means I'll only have stimmed for 7 days. Which sucks. I'm trying really, really hard not to take this as a bad thing, but I really, really want to go for 8 days. I just have this feeling that it would be better. Stupid, yes. Illogical, yes. Crazy, yes. But will it make me feel better - YES. I may be calling my nurse back. Or maybe I'll just wait until tomorrow and see what they say then. If follicles only grow 2mm per day, then tomorrow they won't be ready anyway. Maybe if I can just coast the 8th night - no meds. I know its stupid but I'm having high anxiety over this - the possibility of triggering tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Weekend Recap
Had a pretty great weekend. The weather was wonderful (even downright cool!) and we had a lot of fun. Saturday I went to the A.lief job fair, which was horrible. I wish the cool front had come in then, because they didn't turn on the AC all the way, and everyone was sweating. We stood around in lines for 3 hours, I talked to 10 people for like 10 seconds and that was it. It felt very discouraging. I highly doubt I will get a call back from any of the schools I met with. I don't know what to do, other than looking for a job elsewhere, or in some other field.
We went to lunch with A&P and then went over to Alex and Jen's. We swam and hung out with friends*. I wasn't drinking, but it was a lot of fun. Sunday morning, we had an appointment, got there SUPER early (like 7:15 - they didn't even open until 7:30 and usually don't start taking appointments until 8 - whoops! Nurse said it was fine, and she was happy we were there early, but who knows, really). After that, we had breakfast and then saw S.tar T.rek. It was great. The 10:10am showing only cost $10 for the both of us! We'll be doing that again. I couldn't believe how affordable it was. We've been avoiding movie theaters and just waiting for movies to come out and buy them used because $20 for two of us to see a movie seems ridiculous. After that we went home and hung out until it was time for bed.
Overall, a pretty fun weekend, although I am NOT looking forward to next weekend. Memorial Day. We're hanging out with Alex and Jen again, except the newly pregnant (announced she was pg at FOUR WEEKS and has been married for um, 3 months?) neighbor's son and DIL will be there. I hate the neighbors and don't care much for the son and DIL, on top of the fact that they're pregnant. Ugh. Just what I don't want. To hang around THAT. We'll see who else is there and how long we stay. I'm assuming my IUI will be at the end of this week, so no swimming or drinking for me, which sucks. Especially since getting drunk sounds like a lovely way to avoid that nightmare. We'll probably be leaving early that day. I may not be feeling very well.
At the Sunday morning appointment, we only had blood drawn. I didn't make a fuss about it like I kinda wanted to, for which I patted myself on the back. My e2 was 186. I am to continue the 150iu of Gonal and I go back in Tuesday for blood work AND a scan. My boobs have been so painful, I was kinda worried about what was happening with my hormones and figured that if I had high levels of estrogen to make them hurt that I would get over-stimulated and get cancelled (or we would get transferred to IVF). They had an almost burning sensation on the tops of them. Its not so bad this morning, but man was it painful last night. My skin also feels very sensitive. I wonder if it's because of the Gonal...
*There was this other couple there who brought their 1.5 year old daughter - we hadn't seen them since she was pg and don't really know them well. I like them, but really didn't need to hear about how smart we are for waiting until we're older to have kids and how much they change your life (nice assumption there, asshole). She just went on about how hard it was and that she loves her, but... hard work, yapyapyap. I kinda wanted to say something shocking and somewhat rude about our situation but managed to restrain myself. Good for me. Another pat on the back for that.
We went to lunch with A&P and then went over to Alex and Jen's. We swam and hung out with friends*. I wasn't drinking, but it was a lot of fun. Sunday morning, we had an appointment, got there SUPER early (like 7:15 - they didn't even open until 7:30 and usually don't start taking appointments until 8 - whoops! Nurse said it was fine, and she was happy we were there early, but who knows, really). After that, we had breakfast and then saw S.tar T.rek. It was great. The 10:10am showing only cost $10 for the both of us! We'll be doing that again. I couldn't believe how affordable it was. We've been avoiding movie theaters and just waiting for movies to come out and buy them used because $20 for two of us to see a movie seems ridiculous. After that we went home and hung out until it was time for bed.
Overall, a pretty fun weekend, although I am NOT looking forward to next weekend. Memorial Day. We're hanging out with Alex and Jen again, except the newly pregnant (announced she was pg at FOUR WEEKS and has been married for um, 3 months?) neighbor's son and DIL will be there. I hate the neighbors and don't care much for the son and DIL, on top of the fact that they're pregnant. Ugh. Just what I don't want. To hang around THAT. We'll see who else is there and how long we stay. I'm assuming my IUI will be at the end of this week, so no swimming or drinking for me, which sucks. Especially since getting drunk sounds like a lovely way to avoid that nightmare. We'll probably be leaving early that day. I may not be feeling very well.
At the Sunday morning appointment, we only had blood drawn. I didn't make a fuss about it like I kinda wanted to, for which I patted myself on the back. My e2 was 186. I am to continue the 150iu of Gonal and I go back in Tuesday for blood work AND a scan. My boobs have been so painful, I was kinda worried about what was happening with my hormones and figured that if I had high levels of estrogen to make them hurt that I would get over-stimulated and get cancelled (or we would get transferred to IVF). They had an almost burning sensation on the tops of them. Its not so bad this morning, but man was it painful last night. My skin also feels very sensitive. I wonder if it's because of the Gonal...
*There was this other couple there who brought their 1.5 year old daughter - we hadn't seen them since she was pg and don't really know them well. I like them, but really didn't need to hear about how smart we are for waiting until we're older to have kids and how much they change your life (nice assumption there, asshole). She just went on about how hard it was and that she loves her, but... hard work, yapyapyap. I kinda wanted to say something shocking and somewhat rude about our situation but managed to restrain myself. Good for me. Another pat on the back for that.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Ack! Almost forgot...
I wanted to make sure I charted, or at least recorded everything from this cycle. And on CD 2 when I had the scan and b/w, my lining was 3.3 (good) and my e2 was 62 (also good). I'll make sure to update on Sunday, when I get b/w results back. Apparently they aren't doing a scan, which I'm not happy about. I kinda feel like they're being cheapskates and I'm mad because I'm paying $500 more dollars for an injectibles only cycle, which means more monitoring. And I'm not getting a scan. If I get too many follies that are too big and have to cancel the cycle, I'm gonna be pissed. P-I-S-S-E-D. So we shall see.
Oh, and nothing on the house. We haven't had a showing in forever, we haven't had a single open house and our info box out front has been empty for days. Yeah. And that's all I'll say about that.
Oh, and nothing on the house. We haven't had a showing in forever, we haven't had a single open house and our info box out front has been empty for days. Yeah. And that's all I'll say about that.
Non-Title Title
Not too much to report here. Today will be day 3 of 150iu of Gonal. So that's fun - no really. I don't mind the shots and, in fact, look forward to them. Because it means I'm doing something and things are progressing. And, really, I only get to feel like this for maybe a week, before the 2ww starts. Yay for the shots. My next appointment is Sunday, where we see where's I'm at. I hung out with my sister this week, which was fun, especially since I don't get to see her very often. There's a job fair Saturday I need to go to, and need to get ready for - oh holy crap - that's tomorrow! Well, I guess I just planned out my day, along with watching Grey's season finale. I hope it's not going to be ruined like The Office. So bittersweet. So sad for myself.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Today was a Big Day
And I am tired. Marc is bringing me food which makes me very happy.
So it started off with the dermatologist appointment this morning at 10. He seemed really nice and removed one 'abnormal' looking mole to send off and one unsightly skin tag I was SO glad to be rid of. They now hurt, but didn't at the time. So that's good. He also gave me a safe rosecea medicine I can use while pregnant (that the RE even okayed).
I then went to meet and talk with Dr. M, who I love. Talking to her always gives me such hope and optimism. She answers my questions, doesn't mind that I ask them and knows me. Like, doesn't have to look at my chart to know my history and know what I've been through and know who I am. Which means so, so much. She helped clear my worries of:
- other testing that may catch something
- my short LP
- the study I read online about PCOS/early miscarriage rates and Met.formin. (That met would bring down the higher chance of m/c that PCOS girls have.)
- my stimming length of time
- when to go to IVF
It was just really nice to talk to her about things. She gave me a card to the resident therapist and told me if I was feeling especially stressed and frustrated that I should call and see what I think about going to some support groups or talking to her. I know I should think about it, but it's very hard to think that I can do that with the $$ situation the way it is. Realistically, we probably shouldn't even think about moving right now, should fire our maid, shouldn't get a dog, should sell our new iPhones on ebay, and I should start applying for jobs at fast food restaurants. I'm stressed because I just paid medical bills. Which are now even higher.
Back to my talk with Dr. M; I have been tested for everything that is a valid test. My short LP is a concern (which - HA! I knew they never noted that when I told them my period was starting super early after the IUIs) so I am now on Endo.metrin which is fucking expensive. (I know it's nothing like IVF meds, but we aren't at IVF... and I know it could be a lot worse and am glad I respond well to low-ish doses of Gonal.) My concerns about Met and m/c and PCOS is not super valid. Apparently there was a study that tested Met and getting pg with a sub study of m/c rates. And the people on Met who got pg didn't have a lower rate of m/c - in fact it was slightly higher. So, no Met for me, which I'm somewhat happy to hear about given the recent increase in fertility meds I'm taking and the $$. Stimming for a certain length of time... well, as long as it's not short, like 5 days, anything from 7 to 10 days is good. And won't make a big difference if we go 7 instead of 10. So that worry is set aside.
The last is the IVF. She asked what we were thinking about it and that we should start to think about it. (I didn't tell her that we both have had it sitting in the back of our minds since this thing started. We both just automatically subtract $40,000 out of savings and then stress about it. And buying a house and such. STRESS.) She also confirmed some serious doubts. IVF won't help us stay pregnant, it will just get us pregnant faster. Considering I've conceived twice, with no live baby, it is not a pleasant thought that we should pay 5 times more for the same result.
If we don't conceive in this IUI or the next, we will seriously venture into IVF. That's the standard. 3-4 failed inject/IUI cycles says time for IVF. IVF will give us more information. Like egg quality that blood tests aren't picking up on. Or sperm issues that a SA doesn't see. Or fertilization problems. There's all sort of things that could help answer the IF question further. Unfortunately, none of these answers mean anything if we do IVF and get a BFN. I mean, it's not like there's a better treatment out there. IVF is it.
I admitted that I was probably more scared of getting pregnant again than I am of anything else. I would just wait for the other shoe to drop. She told me that she knows that it will happen for me, that I will be pregnant. And it feels so good to have someone tell me with such honest, pure, BELIEF that this will happen for us.
So, onto the rest of my day. I then had a scan and blood work. The scan was awesome. I told the tech that I would seriously probably cry if there was a cyst - I think I freaked her out a little. But - no cysts! This cycle is a go! I'm waiting for my e2 levels back and official instructions that I'm to start the Gonal tonight. The b/w didn't hurt either. Sometimes it just feels like they are stabbing my arm. I got a free box of Endomet.rin which was nice, considering I now know how expensive it is. And I confirmed the order for all the meds I will get tomorrow. And abused my AMEX to the tune of ~$700 for those meds. Ouch!
I am super, retardedly excited to start this cycle, so I can't wait for the phone call and tomorrow's first injection. (Now I just need to worry about using expired meds and if they're still good... god I hope so. I can't imagine that I wasted all that money.) But! Wish me luck on this cycle! And tell me how beautiful our new puppy (getting her end of May/beginning of June) is!
So it started off with the dermatologist appointment this morning at 10. He seemed really nice and removed one 'abnormal' looking mole to send off and one unsightly skin tag I was SO glad to be rid of. They now hurt, but didn't at the time. So that's good. He also gave me a safe rosecea medicine I can use while pregnant (that the RE even okayed).
I then went to meet and talk with Dr. M, who I love. Talking to her always gives me such hope and optimism. She answers my questions, doesn't mind that I ask them and knows me. Like, doesn't have to look at my chart to know my history and know what I've been through and know who I am. Which means so, so much. She helped clear my worries of:
- other testing that may catch something
- my short LP
- the study I read online about PCOS/early miscarriage rates and Met.formin. (That met would bring down the higher chance of m/c that PCOS girls have.)
- my stimming length of time
- when to go to IVF
It was just really nice to talk to her about things. She gave me a card to the resident therapist and told me if I was feeling especially stressed and frustrated that I should call and see what I think about going to some support groups or talking to her. I know I should think about it, but it's very hard to think that I can do that with the $$ situation the way it is. Realistically, we probably shouldn't even think about moving right now, should fire our maid, shouldn't get a dog, should sell our new iPhones on ebay, and I should start applying for jobs at fast food restaurants. I'm stressed because I just paid medical bills. Which are now even higher.
Back to my talk with Dr. M; I have been tested for everything that is a valid test. My short LP is a concern (which - HA! I knew they never noted that when I told them my period was starting super early after the IUIs) so I am now on Endo.metrin which is fucking expensive. (I know it's nothing like IVF meds, but we aren't at IVF... and I know it could be a lot worse and am glad I respond well to low-ish doses of Gonal.) My concerns about Met and m/c and PCOS is not super valid. Apparently there was a study that tested Met and getting pg with a sub study of m/c rates. And the people on Met who got pg didn't have a lower rate of m/c - in fact it was slightly higher. So, no Met for me, which I'm somewhat happy to hear about given the recent increase in fertility meds I'm taking and the $$. Stimming for a certain length of time... well, as long as it's not short, like 5 days, anything from 7 to 10 days is good. And won't make a big difference if we go 7 instead of 10. So that worry is set aside.
The last is the IVF. She asked what we were thinking about it and that we should start to think about it. (I didn't tell her that we both have had it sitting in the back of our minds since this thing started. We both just automatically subtract $40,000 out of savings and then stress about it. And buying a house and such. STRESS.) She also confirmed some serious doubts. IVF won't help us stay pregnant, it will just get us pregnant faster. Considering I've conceived twice, with no live baby, it is not a pleasant thought that we should pay 5 times more for the same result.
If we don't conceive in this IUI or the next, we will seriously venture into IVF. That's the standard. 3-4 failed inject/IUI cycles says time for IVF. IVF will give us more information. Like egg quality that blood tests aren't picking up on. Or sperm issues that a SA doesn't see. Or fertilization problems. There's all sort of things that could help answer the IF question further. Unfortunately, none of these answers mean anything if we do IVF and get a BFN. I mean, it's not like there's a better treatment out there. IVF is it.
I admitted that I was probably more scared of getting pregnant again than I am of anything else. I would just wait for the other shoe to drop. She told me that she knows that it will happen for me, that I will be pregnant. And it feels so good to have someone tell me with such honest, pure, BELIEF that this will happen for us.
So, onto the rest of my day. I then had a scan and blood work. The scan was awesome. I told the tech that I would seriously probably cry if there was a cyst - I think I freaked her out a little. But - no cysts! This cycle is a go! I'm waiting for my e2 levels back and official instructions that I'm to start the Gonal tonight. The b/w didn't hurt either. Sometimes it just feels like they are stabbing my arm. I got a free box of Endomet.rin which was nice, considering I now know how expensive it is. And I confirmed the order for all the meds I will get tomorrow. And abused my AMEX to the tune of ~$700 for those meds. Ouch!
I am super, retardedly excited to start this cycle, so I can't wait for the phone call and tomorrow's first injection. (Now I just need to worry about using expired meds and if they're still good... god I hope so. I can't imagine that I wasted all that money.) But! Wish me luck on this cycle! And tell me how beautiful our new puppy (getting her end of May/beginning of June) is!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day and iPhones
So Happy Mother's Day* and all that jazz. Yay for moms. Good for you. Thanks especially to the moms in my family for birthing me and my hubs. The end of all that.
So in even more exciting news... iPhones! We has them! We went to the phone store and paid the (gulp) $199 each and have spent the entire weekend with our heads stuck in our phones and apps. And weeee! How do I love it? Let me count the ways... I think I've pretty much sold everyone I've come in contact with on it. They should pay me much for extolling the awesome-ness of the phone. So we've been having lots of fun.
We've officially picked a pup - Blue! We're very excited to officially choose her to be in our family and can't wait for her to come home. I will be on poop duty soon. (Marc does the cats, so I suppose it's only fair that I do the dog, but also fair to point out the daily soon-to-be horse-like poop I will be dealing with.) I hope potty training is easy and fast. So does our still-for-sale-house carpet. Speaking of which, the showings have s..loooo...w...www..eeedddd... big time. We need a miracle this summer. Actually, we need several major ones, so I shouldn't be too specific for what I ask for, since any of the three will do nicely *ahemjobhousebabyahem* but we'd really like them all, if it's not too much to ask. (God, I think something got stuck in my throat/finger knuckles there a second.)
And... last and least, today was the last of the Provera. I really hope that I start my period soon and put all the hormonal nonsense of last week in the past. The s/e's slowly eased off the next day after writing the previous post, and are gone now, so all we need is some crimson tide action. Go Red!
*And I wish an even happier Mother's Day to families who have lost their babies and to those who are trying so desperately to have them. I wish strength onto all of us.
So in even more exciting news... iPhones! We has them! We went to the phone store and paid the (gulp) $199 each and have spent the entire weekend with our heads stuck in our phones and apps. And weeee! How do I love it? Let me count the ways... I think I've pretty much sold everyone I've come in contact with on it. They should pay me much for extolling the awesome-ness of the phone. So we've been having lots of fun.
We've officially picked a pup - Blue! We're very excited to officially choose her to be in our family and can't wait for her to come home. I will be on poop duty soon. (Marc does the cats, so I suppose it's only fair that I do the dog, but also fair to point out the daily soon-to-be horse-like poop I will be dealing with.) I hope potty training is easy and fast. So does our still-for-sale-house carpet. Speaking of which, the showings have s..loooo...w...www..eeedddd... big time. We need a miracle this summer. Actually, we need several major ones, so I shouldn't be too specific for what I ask for, since any of the three will do nicely *ahemjobhousebabyahem* but we'd really like them all, if it's not too much to ask. (God, I think something got stuck in my throat/finger knuckles there a second.)
And... last and least, today was the last of the Provera. I really hope that I start my period soon and put all the hormonal nonsense of last week in the past. The s/e's slowly eased off the next day after writing the previous post, and are gone now, so all we need is some crimson tide action. Go Red!
*And I wish an even happier Mother's Day to families who have lost their babies and to those who are trying so desperately to have them. I wish strength onto all of us.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
The Never Before Experienced Side Effects of Provera
Or Holy Hot Flashes, Fatigue and Boob Soreness.
Seriously. I took a pregnancy test this morning, just to be sure (I keep replaying the women from 'I didn't know I was pregnant' in my head who swore they took pregnancy tests that were negative and thinking, well if it happened to them...) And that is utterly retarded. *
But, the side effects! My god, they are a-plenty. I'm flashing during the day (not at night, or at least not enough to wake me up) and not as strongly as when I was on Clomid, but enough to feel 'moist' all over. While in my air-conditioned, fanned house wearing a sports bra, very thin pj pants and undies. (Please don't let anyone knock on my door today! I'd burn their eyes out.) I'm tired but that could be attributed to something else**, and my boobs. My god. My boobs. They hu-uuuuuu-urttttttt. They feel so heavy and they are so sore. I have to say, I'm very surprised I'm responding to the Provera this way this time around. I've never had anything remotely approaching this level of side effect, but I'm feeling it now. Oh well. Only four (!!) more days to go and then hopefully I'll start my period.
Seriously. I took a pregnancy test this morning, just to be sure (I keep replaying the women from 'I didn't know I was pregnant' in my head who swore they took pregnancy tests that were negative and thinking, well if it happened to them...) And that is utterly retarded. *
But, the side effects! My god, they are a-plenty. I'm flashing during the day (not at night, or at least not enough to wake me up) and not as strongly as when I was on Clomid, but enough to feel 'moist' all over. While in my air-conditioned, fanned house wearing a sports bra, very thin pj pants and undies. (Please don't let anyone knock on my door today! I'd burn their eyes out.) I'm tired but that could be attributed to something else**, and my boobs. My god. My boobs. They hu-uuuuuu-urttttttt. They feel so heavy and they are so sore. I have to say, I'm very surprised I'm responding to the Provera this way this time around. I've never had anything remotely approaching this level of side effect, but I'm feeling it now. Oh well. Only four (!!) more days to go and then hopefully I'll start my period.
*But, apparently, not so retarded. I called in to my clinic and left a message asking them about these side effects and they called back and said that Provera is not known to cause them. She asked if I took a HPT before taking Provera (which - duh - I mean, who wouldn't do that?) and I said yes and one this morning (to which she said good) and that they were both negative. She said that my hormones are probably all screwed up and that my estrogen levels could be high, which is causing me not to start, but giving me these s/e's. I asked her if I haven't started my period by what day should I call back and she said to give it a week. Ugggghhhh... So now this cycle may be all FUBAR. I mean, what the fuck? I just hope my hormones get themselves straightened out so I can have a period and start my cycle.
**Yesterday and Monday Anthony's school was closed due to the Swine flu so I got to watch him all day. Monday we went to Chik.F.A and ate lunch. A played in the jungle gym while I watched and came out to eat when he felt like it. We played at the house and he fell asleep before Jen got home. Yesterday we went to the zoo. From 10 am to 1:45 pm. And it. was. hot. I was worn out from all the walking and the heat. And so was A who was a little cranky when we got back to the house, but overall was awesome both days. And it was the coolest thing ever. Other people thought I was his mom (even though I look nothing like him blond/blue vs red/green). And it kinda felt like this could be me and my kid one day. And that was the coolest feeling ever. It was so encouraging to know that one day I WILL be doing this with my own child. I could just, for a moment, picture it, as I pushed A in his stroller through the zoo and watched him play at CFA. I know I will be a mother soon. My time is soon approaching, and I can't wait.
In other 'mother' news, we are picking out a dog this week. We have to decide between Pink girl and Blue girl, before Saturday. They have people coming over to look at the dogs and don't know if they prefer a gender, and if they want a female, they have to know which one is available. So the hard decision is being thought out. As Marc pointed out there is no wrong answer here. We did a preliminary 'which one do you want' and we came up with different answers, of course.
It's so funny. Since the pups were born both Marc and Amy have liked Pink over Blue. Because I'm obstinate and feel bad for the underdog, I liked Blue better. I felt bad that no one else liked her and that they perceived her to be the "not as cool" dog. Pink would cuddle more and seemed to tolerate more than Blue. But I didn't care. I held Blue and figured out that she didn't like being held like Marc and Amy wanted to hold her - she preferred to sit upright and not be as smothered. We played with them last night, trying to decide. I clipped their toes and Pink seemed more bothered by it than Blue. Pink is the fawn colored one, whereas Blue is more apricot (and, to be honest a little bit uglier - lots of black undercoating, with the red and a blond-ish furry like appearance - not smooth coated; we don't really know what she will look like older when all the puppy undercoating falls out). Marc has pointed out that getting a fawn would be neat because then our dog would look different than Amy's adult ones, the parents, who are both apricot. Pink is also about 8 ounces lighter than Blue, and would probably be a smaller dog. I thought as first-ish time dog owners, a smaller dog would be smarter. (Although, as my friend Sarah pointed out, with a giant breed it's like a 100 story building and a 80 story building - big is big, even if one is slightly smaller.) Both seemed to be playful and come when called (as much as five week old pups do). I'm worried that we'll be making our decision with Pink being a little developmentally behind, because she's so small, and we won't see her true personality before we make a decision. Blue is the one who plays more aggressively with her brothers. Both seem inquisitive and will go check things out outside their comfort zone. Blue follows Amy around. Pink seems more delicate. Both are chewing on things already (of course).
So, in our vote last night, Marc chose Blue and I chose Pink. I thought it out and had all my reasons and Marc went with his gut. One of the other reasons I chose Pink is because that's who I thought Marc would like. Because, all along I've liked Blue and am now wondering if I like her because I felt bad for her in the beginning, and have grown more attached. So I need to play with Pink some more to see. Our coin toss also had Blue winning 2 out of 3. I'm thinking we should narrow down some names and see what we like and who we like for it. Marc still loves Leinenkugal (and calling her Leine; like Line-y, which is not my favorite and think sounds like heinie. I think I like Kimble the best so far, but Marc doesn't love it *sigh*).
So, if you have an opinion, vote! Tell me what to do!
**Yesterday and Monday Anthony's school was closed due to the Swine flu so I got to watch him all day. Monday we went to Chik.F.A and ate lunch. A played in the jungle gym while I watched and came out to eat when he felt like it. We played at the house and he fell asleep before Jen got home. Yesterday we went to the zoo. From 10 am to 1:45 pm. And it. was. hot. I was worn out from all the walking and the heat. And so was A who was a little cranky when we got back to the house, but overall was awesome both days. And it was the coolest thing ever. Other people thought I was his mom (even though I look nothing like him blond/blue vs red/green). And it kinda felt like this could be me and my kid one day. And that was the coolest feeling ever. It was so encouraging to know that one day I WILL be doing this with my own child. I could just, for a moment, picture it, as I pushed A in his stroller through the zoo and watched him play at CFA. I know I will be a mother soon. My time is soon approaching, and I can't wait.
In other 'mother' news, we are picking out a dog this week. We have to decide between Pink girl and Blue girl, before Saturday. They have people coming over to look at the dogs and don't know if they prefer a gender, and if they want a female, they have to know which one is available. So the hard decision is being thought out. As Marc pointed out there is no wrong answer here. We did a preliminary 'which one do you want' and we came up with different answers, of course.
It's so funny. Since the pups were born both Marc and Amy have liked Pink over Blue. Because I'm obstinate and feel bad for the underdog, I liked Blue better. I felt bad that no one else liked her and that they perceived her to be the "not as cool" dog. Pink would cuddle more and seemed to tolerate more than Blue. But I didn't care. I held Blue and figured out that she didn't like being held like Marc and Amy wanted to hold her - she preferred to sit upright and not be as smothered. We played with them last night, trying to decide. I clipped their toes and Pink seemed more bothered by it than Blue. Pink is the fawn colored one, whereas Blue is more apricot (and, to be honest a little bit uglier - lots of black undercoating, with the red and a blond-ish furry like appearance - not smooth coated; we don't really know what she will look like older when all the puppy undercoating falls out). Marc has pointed out that getting a fawn would be neat because then our dog would look different than Amy's adult ones, the parents, who are both apricot. Pink is also about 8 ounces lighter than Blue, and would probably be a smaller dog. I thought as first-ish time dog owners, a smaller dog would be smarter. (Although, as my friend Sarah pointed out, with a giant breed it's like a 100 story building and a 80 story building - big is big, even if one is slightly smaller.) Both seemed to be playful and come when called (as much as five week old pups do). I'm worried that we'll be making our decision with Pink being a little developmentally behind, because she's so small, and we won't see her true personality before we make a decision. Blue is the one who plays more aggressively with her brothers. Both seem inquisitive and will go check things out outside their comfort zone. Blue follows Amy around. Pink seems more delicate. Both are chewing on things already (of course).
So, in our vote last night, Marc chose Blue and I chose Pink. I thought it out and had all my reasons and Marc went with his gut. One of the other reasons I chose Pink is because that's who I thought Marc would like. Because, all along I've liked Blue and am now wondering if I like her because I felt bad for her in the beginning, and have grown more attached. So I need to play with Pink some more to see. Our coin toss also had Blue winning 2 out of 3. I'm thinking we should narrow down some names and see what we like and who we like for it. Marc still loves Leinenkugal (and calling her Leine; like Line-y, which is not my favorite and think sounds like heinie. I think I like Kimble the best so far, but Marc doesn't love it *sigh*).
So, if you have an opinion, vote! Tell me what to do!
Today is also the great laundry day. Marc wants all of his shirts washed. ALL OF THEM. Some of them have started to have an almost chemically smell that he can't stand, so today, out of the kindness of my heart, I am washing them. This also means that I'll be able to sort them in his closet as I please (mwah-hahahaha). I believe I will sort his work shirts by color (like my side) and then his t-shirts by type (comedy, concert tee, sports) and sub-sort those by color. I have to take all his long sleeved 'dress' shirts to be dry-cleaned as well. Fun day for an unemployed wife!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Thank you Swine Flu
Our friend's son's day school is closed, thanks to the swine flu here in Houston, so I'm spending the next couple of days hanging out with him. Marc, with his superior knowledge of everything, thinks all this is over-hyped sensationalism that is completely ridiculous. I agree he has a point. For instance, closing down random schools... so the middle school is closed, but the elementary and high school, where students may have siblings, are open? And all the malls are open, so instead of going to school, people are congregating in other public spots - not exactly helping stop the spread of the virus if some of these people are infected. I'm sure officials are just covering their asses, in case this thing turns out to be real. I told Marc that if I were in the 2ww or even stimming, I probably would not watch Anthony (our friend's 2 year old). His school had a confirmed case and in the off chance I was pregnant or stimming to become pregnant (spending lots of money) I wouldn't want to get sick and throw a cycle away. I still don't want to throw a cycle away, and if I do get sick, I will be pissed, but since I know I'm not pg and only taking Provera to get my period, I figure I should help out since I can.
So that's what my plans are for the week. I was going to maybe visit my sister, but probably not now. I'll just be taking my Provera, hoping to get my period before I take all the pills, and watching Anthony.
So that's what my plans are for the week. I was going to maybe visit my sister, but probably not now. I'll just be taking my Provera, hoping to get my period before I take all the pills, and watching Anthony.
Friday, May 1, 2009
It's May Day
The first of ten days of Provera.... done! Yay! Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and the day I can upgrade my cell phone - yay! Marc says we can't afford i.Phones for both of us. Well, really either of us. So I don't know what we're going to get.
I'm trying to stay positive about the beginning of something great; a wonderful cycle where I'll get (AND STAY) pregnant. I also need to make a list of things to ask Dr. M. about at our May 12 phone appointment. By then, I will be done with the Provera, and hopefully really, really close to starting my period, and starting all the doctor visits, bloodwork and scans, injections, and obsessing over everything...
I'm trying to stay positive about the beginning of something great; a wonderful cycle where I'll get (AND STAY) pregnant. I also need to make a list of things to ask Dr. M. about at our May 12 phone appointment. By then, I will be done with the Provera, and hopefully really, really close to starting my period, and starting all the doctor visits, bloodwork and scans, injections, and obsessing over everything...
*sigh*
So today is the day. (Technically.) It is 1:29am right now, so it's officially May. And officially the day I get my rx for Provera. After this long wait that feels like it has dragged on for forever. And I'm quite sad. I don't want to POAS tomorrow because I know it will be negative and it just breaks my heart knowing that I have to look at a negative pee stick tomorrow morning. It just really, really sucks and I'm already devastated. I know it'll be a step forward in this process that will eventually lead to a baby, but right now it just hurts.
Oh yeah. And I finally pooped tonight.
Oh yeah. And I finally pooped tonight.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Way TMI :::warning:::
But...
I can't poop! WTF? I've been eating like shit all week (yesterday fettuccine alfredo for lunch and the leftovers for dinner) today a muffin, mini burger from Sonic, chips and queso and enchiladas, rice and beans, light ice cream (cuz you know I don't need those calories) with hot fudge and a couple twizzlers. Yeah. Am big fatzo. And feel like big fatzo. And yesterday pooped very easily after lunch, then nothing after dinner. It was difficult. I felt last night and feel today like I need to but can't. And I'm taking my wheat grass! That stuff really helps things along. Not since yesterday afternoon unfortunately. *whine* This sucks... I'm not even on any medicines... I want to poooo-ooop... :( I need to eat better. That may help. But come on wheat grass! Work your intestinal magic!
I bought my baby aspirin and scared the shit out of a nurse (let's call her S) over at the clinic. I called and basically bombarded her with questions (only four, really) and now I have another and I really want to call her again and scare her again. I'm evil heeheehee...
The first: I was wondering if my luteal phase was short because after the med. cycles, I never make it to beta - I always start the period 3-4 days early. So, short LP. I thought that may account for something? Apparently not since its medicated... hmm.. will possibly post and ask to get other expert opinions...
Second: I wanted to have it marked in my chart that I would like to stim for longer this cycle than the last. A "low and slow" approach. I was told that they start me at one unit (75ius) and that is low. So, there you go. Humph. I will then be requesting that I stay low when they bump me up.
The third: What do they look for before testing for the Beta-3 integrin? Except I totally murdered what it's actually called (I called it the endometrial intigin 3 biopsy) and she told me she had no idea what that was. I think she could have figured it out but she said she was new there, so wasn't really sure and that I should ask Dr. M when I talk to her (which - see below).
The fourth: If I could take baby aspirin. I've asked before and told I didn't really need to. Come to find out (from this nurse - not my normal who I don't really like - we'll call her D) that it's SOP for IVF patients and that it wouldn't really hurt, which is what I thought this whole time!!! I'm SO mad! I mean, hello? One of my proteins that affect clotting was slightly elevated! What could it hurt? Could it possibly, even in the littlest, slightest bit help? Then, ok! Let me do it! It's freaking aspirin for fuck's sake! Fucking cow.
I want to call tomorrow and ask her (S) if they test my progesterone with CD3 b/w and during stims, or if they ever have. Because I wonder if I have low progesterone levels. And I want to ask her (new or not) because she's so nice while my regular nurse is out of town. She (D) just makes me feel like my questions are stupid but dammit! I want to be educated. And if they are stupid, then explain it and I won't bother you. Don't just blow me off. Ugh. Anyway, she suggested I set up an appointment with Dr. M. because it sounded like I had a lot of questions about my treatment plan. So I set one up. For MAY 12. That is the first time she is available to talk to me! I can't believe it! Hopefully I'll be near CD3 anyway, so...
I know I go through spurts where I drive them all crazy up there with all my calls and questions, and I know that most of them are stupid because I start scaring myself into thinking I may possibly have a low this or have a defective that. I just am scared. I really don't want to go to IVF and discover something new wrong. I don't want another loss before we get more tests. I just want to know, now. And I know its unreasonable to test me for every fucking thing under the sun, but you know what? I don't care. I think part of it is that I found this super cool website (thanks TTTC boards) that explains hormone levels on the CD they're taken and what it all means! Hallelujah! So now, I'll know exactly how "within normal range" I am. Out of the dark! No more talking over my head for some of this stuff! Now I want to test it out, lol. And use it to help develop new anxiety.
And damn. This will be my second post of the day. Fuck. I tried to keep today's short and non-ramble-y. Guess I fail.
I can't poop! WTF? I've been eating like shit all week (yesterday fettuccine alfredo for lunch and the leftovers for dinner) today a muffin, mini burger from Sonic, chips and queso and enchiladas, rice and beans, light ice cream (cuz you know I don't need those calories) with hot fudge and a couple twizzlers. Yeah. Am big fatzo. And feel like big fatzo. And yesterday pooped very easily after lunch, then nothing after dinner. It was difficult. I felt last night and feel today like I need to but can't. And I'm taking my wheat grass! That stuff really helps things along. Not since yesterday afternoon unfortunately. *whine* This sucks... I'm not even on any medicines... I want to poooo-ooop... :( I need to eat better. That may help. But come on wheat grass! Work your intestinal magic!
I bought my baby aspirin and scared the shit out of a nurse (let's call her S) over at the clinic. I called and basically bombarded her with questions (only four, really) and now I have another and I really want to call her again and scare her again. I'm evil heeheehee...
The first: I was wondering if my luteal phase was short because after the med. cycles, I never make it to beta - I always start the period 3-4 days early. So, short LP. I thought that may account for something? Apparently not since its medicated... hmm.. will possibly post and ask to get other expert opinions...
Second: I wanted to have it marked in my chart that I would like to stim for longer this cycle than the last. A "low and slow" approach. I was told that they start me at one unit (75ius) and that is low. So, there you go. Humph. I will then be requesting that I stay low when they bump me up.
The third: What do they look for before testing for the Beta-3 integrin? Except I totally murdered what it's actually called (I called it the endometrial intigin 3 biopsy) and she told me she had no idea what that was. I think she could have figured it out but she said she was new there, so wasn't really sure and that I should ask Dr. M when I talk to her (which - see below).
The fourth: If I could take baby aspirin. I've asked before and told I didn't really need to. Come to find out (from this nurse - not my normal who I don't really like - we'll call her D) that it's SOP for IVF patients and that it wouldn't really hurt, which is what I thought this whole time!!! I'm SO mad! I mean, hello? One of my proteins that affect clotting was slightly elevated! What could it hurt? Could it possibly, even in the littlest, slightest bit help? Then, ok! Let me do it! It's freaking aspirin for fuck's sake! Fucking cow.
I want to call tomorrow and ask her (S) if they test my progesterone with CD3 b/w and during stims, or if they ever have. Because I wonder if I have low progesterone levels. And I want to ask her (new or not) because she's so nice while my regular nurse is out of town. She (D) just makes me feel like my questions are stupid but dammit! I want to be educated. And if they are stupid, then explain it and I won't bother you. Don't just blow me off. Ugh. Anyway, she suggested I set up an appointment with Dr. M. because it sounded like I had a lot of questions about my treatment plan. So I set one up. For MAY 12. That is the first time she is available to talk to me! I can't believe it! Hopefully I'll be near CD3 anyway, so...
I know I go through spurts where I drive them all crazy up there with all my calls and questions, and I know that most of them are stupid because I start scaring myself into thinking I may possibly have a low this or have a defective that. I just am scared. I really don't want to go to IVF and discover something new wrong. I don't want another loss before we get more tests. I just want to know, now. And I know its unreasonable to test me for every fucking thing under the sun, but you know what? I don't care. I think part of it is that I found this super cool website (thanks TTTC boards) that explains hormone levels on the CD they're taken and what it all means! Hallelujah! So now, I'll know exactly how "within normal range" I am. Out of the dark! No more talking over my head for some of this stuff! Now I want to test it out, lol. And use it to help develop new anxiety.
And damn. This will be my second post of the day. Fuck. I tried to keep today's short and non-ramble-y. Guess I fail.
Man
I was reading over my last posts and wow. I sure do ramble. I mean as I'm reading, I realize I basically spew whatever thought pops into my head out onto this blog, but I didn't realize how ramble-y and jump-y and all over the place I was. I understand it, but I suppose I'm used to that kind of chaos in my head.
So I'll keep this uncharacteristically short. I'm going to buy baby aspirin today after reading all the great benefits concerning IF. I'm going to try and stop worrying that I have a uterus that fights being pregnant and not call and demand more testing (like the integrin 3 biopsy). I'm doing laundry. And that is all.
So I'll keep this uncharacteristically short. I'm going to buy baby aspirin today after reading all the great benefits concerning IF. I'm going to try and stop worrying that I have a uterus that fights being pregnant and not call and demand more testing (like the integrin 3 biopsy). I'm doing laundry. And that is all.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I went to UsRBabies today;
I deserve a medal.
Please give it to me now.
Thank you.
Yes, I went to baby heaven and saw pregnant people, newborns and all sorts of other babies. I saw mothers/grandmas shopping with their daughters/new mommies and baby. I saw significant others' shopping with pregnant others. I saw baby furniture and bedding and strollers and swings and slings (oh my!). And the tiniest little stripe-y socks ever.
And I didn't cry. (Which, my god, I realize how fucking sappy that must make me now. I used to never cry. Now I cry all the time, or at least well up.) And I didn't glare. And I kept my bitter, resentful, infertile self to a minimum in my head. And I melted a little. I saw a beautiful crib on sale and wanted to buy it and then go stick in our storage unit and not feel that guilty when I explained the credit card charge because Marc? He would indulge me my craziness.
Which is what I probably wouldn't have done anyway, though SIL was with me. (Because she would have thought I had TOTALLY gone off my rocker if I had pulled that shit with her.) But it did keep me from calling Marc and explaining the beauty of THIS. CRIB. RIGHT. HERE. and SALE!!! to which he would have been pretty shocked and speechless at me wanting to buy a crib.
And I have a confession. I snuck another pee. I know, I know, I know... I haven't been sleeping well. I constantly think about it and its that damn last pregnancy's fault. I just lie/lay awake thinking about it. And I just have to know. I just have to. It's like I need to prepare myself for something bad, because honestly, either way? Would bring issues. I mean, if negative (which it was and will be for this break cycle - duh) I am so sad. So, so sad. So bummed. So broken. But then I have a plan for next cycle. And if positive,
I mean just typing the possibility of it had me sitting here speechless. But the insane worry and stress and preparation of it being bad, but the hope that its not and the joy of just actually being and... oh my god. Either way, total roller coaster. So I have this need to know and prepare myself. For my period. Or for the number.
I swear, for someone with losses, sometimes the thought of being pregnant is scarier than the fear of not being pregnant at all.
And now I need to take a break from my own head and escape into TV, the boards, Sudoku or my book.
Please give it to me now.
Thank you.
Yes, I went to baby heaven and saw pregnant people, newborns and all sorts of other babies. I saw mothers/grandmas shopping with their daughters/new mommies and baby. I saw significant others' shopping with pregnant others. I saw baby furniture and bedding and strollers and swings and slings (oh my!). And the tiniest little stripe-y socks ever.
And I didn't cry. (Which, my god, I realize how fucking sappy that must make me now. I used to never cry. Now I cry all the time, or at least well up.) And I didn't glare. And I kept my bitter, resentful, infertile self to a minimum in my head. And I melted a little. I saw a beautiful crib on sale and wanted to buy it and then go stick in our storage unit and not feel that guilty when I explained the credit card charge because Marc? He would indulge me my craziness.
Which is what I probably wouldn't have done anyway, though SIL was with me. (Because she would have thought I had TOTALLY gone off my rocker if I had pulled that shit with her.) But it did keep me from calling Marc and explaining the beauty of THIS. CRIB. RIGHT. HERE. and SALE!!! to which he would have been pretty shocked and speechless at me wanting to buy a crib.
And I have a confession. I snuck another pee. I know, I know, I know... I haven't been sleeping well. I constantly think about it and its that damn last pregnancy's fault. I just lie/lay awake thinking about it. And I just have to know. I just have to. It's like I need to prepare myself for something bad, because honestly, either way? Would bring issues. I mean, if negative (which it was and will be for this break cycle - duh) I am so sad. So, so sad. So bummed. So broken. But then I have a plan for next cycle. And if positive,
I mean just typing the possibility of it had me sitting here speechless. But the insane worry and stress and preparation of it being bad, but the hope that its not and the joy of just actually being and... oh my god. Either way, total roller coaster. So I have this need to know and prepare myself. For my period. Or for the number.
I swear, for someone with losses, sometimes the thought of being pregnant is scarier than the fear of not being pregnant at all.
And now I need to take a break from my own head and escape into TV, the boards, Sudoku or my book.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Do you think
I can become a follower to my own blog? I could be the first :)
Oh yeah... approx 22 minutes until CD 31... which is only 3 days until CD 35. I'll actually be calling the clinic this week! Yea!
I'm also planning a trip to Huntsville to visit my sister. Maybe Wednesday. That should be fun. I found out today that my car's inspection sticker expired in February. I blame Marc as he is responsible for car stuff. He claims that is not in his area, and I should be a responsible adult and take care of it on my own. Buh wah??? Respo..? huh? So tomorrow I suppose I'll be going to take care of that before I get a ticket.
In other car news, I've been looking at SUV's and crossovers and etc. at Carmax. You know, because we'll soon need it when I'm knocked up with the very least twins, but most likely triplets and have our huge dog. Then we'll have to trade to a van or something equally attractive and 'family-with-the-hugest-dog-ever friendly'. And won't that be sweet. lol. I am actually excited about getting a bigger car - as a close to six foot tall woman, I like the leg room and being slightly higher off the ground. I've wanted one for a while, but couldn't afford one when I bought my car and now love the gas mileage on my little Honda. But that is just another thing I am looking forward to in my new life, when we have a baby, a new house and a dog. Ah, limbo just rocks.
Oh yeah, and also? I applied for a job as a local, nation-wide pharmacy store manager two weeks ago. Yeah. I have a business degree and customer service skills. That would qualify me, right? Yet I have yet to hear back... so embarrassing. So I applied again. That'll get me hired, right?
I'm tired. And feeling pretty meh, as the tone to this post can attest.
Oh yeah... approx 22 minutes until CD 31... which is only 3 days until CD 35. I'll actually be calling the clinic this week! Yea!
I'm also planning a trip to Huntsville to visit my sister. Maybe Wednesday. That should be fun. I found out today that my car's inspection sticker expired in February. I blame Marc as he is responsible for car stuff. He claims that is not in his area, and I should be a responsible adult and take care of it on my own. Buh wah??? Respo..? huh? So tomorrow I suppose I'll be going to take care of that before I get a ticket.
In other car news, I've been looking at SUV's and crossovers and etc. at Carmax. You know, because we'll soon need it when I'm knocked up with the very least twins, but most likely triplets and have our huge dog. Then we'll have to trade to a van or something equally attractive and 'family-with-the-hugest-dog-ever friendly'. And won't that be sweet. lol. I am actually excited about getting a bigger car - as a close to six foot tall woman, I like the leg room and being slightly higher off the ground. I've wanted one for a while, but couldn't afford one when I bought my car and now love the gas mileage on my little Honda. But that is just another thing I am looking forward to in my new life, when we have a baby, a new house and a dog. Ah, limbo just rocks.
Oh yeah, and also? I applied for a job as a local, nation-wide pharmacy store manager two weeks ago. Yeah. I have a business degree and customer service skills. That would qualify me, right? Yet I have yet to hear back... so embarrassing. So I applied again. That'll get me hired, right?
I'm tired. And feeling pretty meh, as the tone to this post can attest.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Six Days...
until Provera! We're babysitting the puppies tonight while SIL goes to a party. I've decided to add a picture of just how cute these puppies will be when they get a little older, because I don't think many people know about mastiffs. I mean, look how freaking cute that puppy is! Adorable!! This is just a generic mastiff puppy - I'm not sure on the age.
We just got back from Costco and eating Freebirds, and man am I full. Ugh. So full. I ate way too much. And I've been super moody and hormonal and have been having incredibly vivid dreams. I keep hoping this means that AF is on her way, without Provera, but I doubt it. Today also marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. I know some people have been coming out on Facebook, but there is no way I would do that. Not that I'm ashamed of my infertility, but I just don't want people I barely know knowing that much about me. I am a member of Resolve on Facebook, so people can go see that about me, but it's pretty passive and doesn't really invite conversation. And I'm kinda mad, because there's been something I was wanting to post about, but it has completely slipped my mind. How annoying!!
Friday, April 24, 2009
MIL Visit - Check
So the MIL is gone. She was here for a short while and now she has left. As a result, the past week has flown by and I am gearing up for the weekend (and by gearing up I mean sitting here wondering how it's the weekend already).
I have a little secret. And it's just so stupid. SO STUPID. I keep yelling that at myself because I feel the need to berate myself for doing this... I peed. On a Stick. Last night. OMFG how dumb am I? Let me count the ways... I mean, it's just ridiculous.
1 - It's a break cycle, which mean the chance of something... so low... there are no meds!
2 - Even if I were, it is way too early!! Today is CD 28. Which means I should be starting my period today. Which means, if I listen to those commercials, I shouldn't be taking a HPT until 5 days AFTER my missed period. So yesterday? Not the right time.
I mean duh. I am most shamed by this. Of course it was negative. At least it was only a $1 test. No more testing until next Friday. I just keep hoping I'll get AF so I don't have to worry about taking Provera. That would be the best* thing ever!
This weekend we're going to my parents for the birthdays. Like I mentioned in my previous post there have been 3 birthdays in 2 days in my family. One of those was my SIL, which is why my MIL came into town. The other two were my dad and brother (on the same day). So this weekend, we're getting together for that and my mom's birthday, which is next weekend. My entire family (mom, dad, bro, sis) all have birthdays within less than one month of each other. Mine is the lone outlier. I suppose we'll get together for my sister's birthday and Mother's (barf) Day soon.
*Well, obviously not THE best, but we're working on the not-pregnant assumption
I have a little secret. And it's just so stupid. SO STUPID. I keep yelling that at myself because I feel the need to berate myself for doing this... I peed. On a Stick. Last night. OMFG how dumb am I? Let me count the ways... I mean, it's just ridiculous.
1 - It's a break cycle, which mean the chance of something... so low... there are no meds!
2 - Even if I were, it is way too early!! Today is CD 28. Which means I should be starting my period today. Which means, if I listen to those commercials, I shouldn't be taking a HPT until 5 days AFTER my missed period. So yesterday? Not the right time.
I mean duh. I am most shamed by this. Of course it was negative. At least it was only a $1 test. No more testing until next Friday. I just keep hoping I'll get AF so I don't have to worry about taking Provera. That would be the best* thing ever!
This weekend we're going to my parents for the birthdays. Like I mentioned in my previous post there have been 3 birthdays in 2 days in my family. One of those was my SIL, which is why my MIL came into town. The other two were my dad and brother (on the same day). So this weekend, we're getting together for that and my mom's birthday, which is next weekend. My entire family (mom, dad, bro, sis) all have birthdays within less than one month of each other. Mine is the lone outlier. I suppose we'll get together for my sister's birthday and Mother's (barf) Day soon.
*Well, obviously not THE best, but we're working on the not-pregnant assumption
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
The past couple of days
Not a whole lot has been happening... I'm counting down the days until CD 35 (10 days from now - whoopee!), fluctuating between being super excited about the puppy and freaking out about the storage situation and celebrating birthdays.
We're on a break cycle, which means I'm drinking. There have been three family birthdays in the matter of 2 days. So yea! Happy B-day and all that. So Sunday night I go out with my SIL and a couple other people. Marc hits the first bar with us, then goes home (like an intelligent person). We continue on. Now, I have not gone out in a while. A long while. Needless to say, my tolerance for the alcohol is pretty low. So when I continue drinking on an empty stomach (SO smart, I am) it is no shock that I end up drunk. It is a shock that I am so sick the next day, I couldn't keep anything down before 1:00 pm. This was yesterday. Today I'm feeling better. THANK GOD. I'm glad I got that out of my system, because I have a feeling its going to be a long time before I do that again - hopefully not until 2010. It's likely that another break cycle will result in me going to a bar, although not being as crazy.
Marc's mom is coming in town tomorrow, so I planned to spend the day cleaning and re-hydrating myself. Just taking it easy and making sure I'm 100% and feeling normal. I decide that I can put off cleaning the house until tomorrow (the day she gets here), because 1) I am lazy and 2) I didn't feel like cleaning and 3) I wanted to make Marc feel a little bad because I think he's been slacking on his part of the chore situation around here (which makes me feel bad, because I'm unemployed, so taking care of the house IS my job... while he's at work all day making, you know, real money to support us) and I knew that if I were cleaning in front of him he'd feel bad. But it's HARD to clean up someone else's (adult) mess every day.
So procrastination. This - I am good at. Did some grocery shopping and what not and had a wonderful day feeling better. Until I got a phone call for a house showing. They wanted to see the house in less than an hour. ARGGGH. So I busted ass and cleaned the hell out of my house.
I realize the irony of bitching about a showing (which really I'm not - I'm more bitching at the timing) when I'm freaked that we won't sell it. And I realize that if I really wanted to bitch about timing, the showing would have been yesterday when I felt like complete and utter shite. But you know. It was still a PITA. But at least my house is clean for MIL and I don't have to clean it tomorrow.
Today a thought struck me... its one I've had for a while, although not necessarily in this context. So I was thinking - when will I have learned? I grew up with a religious upbringing, and part of me still thinks that somehow, God is trying to teach me something. That God won't let me get (and stay - a very important distinction) pregnant, that I still have something to discover, to prove to... something. I don't really know. And I don't even believe it, this grown-up "Catholic school girl guilt" if you know what I mean. Some way for me to rationalize why I haven't been able to get/stay pregnant. That I won't be blessed with a child until - fill in the blank. And, rationally, I know this is a load of shit, this imaginary test I must pass to be good enough to be a mother, but I still catch myself thinking it sometimes.
And, so not to end on such a serious note - the puppies are opening their eyes! It's so cute. They're finally starting to stand a little and and getting bigger and bigger. I can't wait until they're older and even cuter. Right now, it doesn't look like we'll be bringing home a puppy until the beginning of June, so there's some relief there, but I'm still feeling the pressure to sell this house.
We're on a break cycle, which means I'm drinking. There have been three family birthdays in the matter of 2 days. So yea! Happy B-day and all that. So Sunday night I go out with my SIL and a couple other people. Marc hits the first bar with us, then goes home (like an intelligent person). We continue on. Now, I have not gone out in a while. A long while. Needless to say, my tolerance for the alcohol is pretty low. So when I continue drinking on an empty stomach (SO smart, I am) it is no shock that I end up drunk. It is a shock that I am so sick the next day, I couldn't keep anything down before 1:00 pm. This was yesterday. Today I'm feeling better. THANK GOD. I'm glad I got that out of my system, because I have a feeling its going to be a long time before I do that again - hopefully not until 2010. It's likely that another break cycle will result in me going to a bar, although not being as crazy.
Marc's mom is coming in town tomorrow, so I planned to spend the day cleaning and re-hydrating myself. Just taking it easy and making sure I'm 100% and feeling normal. I decide that I can put off cleaning the house until tomorrow (the day she gets here), because 1) I am lazy and 2) I didn't feel like cleaning and 3) I wanted to make Marc feel a little bad because I think he's been slacking on his part of the chore situation around here (which makes me feel bad, because I'm unemployed, so taking care of the house IS my job... while he's at work all day making, you know, real money to support us) and I knew that if I were cleaning in front of him he'd feel bad. But it's HARD to clean up someone else's (adult) mess every day.
So procrastination. This - I am good at. Did some grocery shopping and what not and had a wonderful day feeling better. Until I got a phone call for a house showing. They wanted to see the house in less than an hour. ARGGGH. So I busted ass and cleaned the hell out of my house.
I realize the irony of bitching about a showing (which really I'm not - I'm more bitching at the timing) when I'm freaked that we won't sell it. And I realize that if I really wanted to bitch about timing, the showing would have been yesterday when I felt like complete and utter shite. But you know. It was still a PITA. But at least my house is clean for MIL and I don't have to clean it tomorrow.
Today a thought struck me... its one I've had for a while, although not necessarily in this context. So I was thinking - when will I have learned? I grew up with a religious upbringing, and part of me still thinks that somehow, God is trying to teach me something. That God won't let me get (and stay - a very important distinction) pregnant, that I still have something to discover, to prove to... something. I don't really know. And I don't even believe it, this grown-up "Catholic school girl guilt" if you know what I mean. Some way for me to rationalize why I haven't been able to get/stay pregnant. That I won't be blessed with a child until - fill in the blank. And, rationally, I know this is a load of shit, this imaginary test I must pass to be good enough to be a mother, but I still catch myself thinking it sometimes.
And, so not to end on such a serious note - the puppies are opening their eyes! It's so cute. They're finally starting to stand a little and and getting bigger and bigger. I can't wait until they're older and even cuter. Right now, it doesn't look like we'll be bringing home a puppy until the beginning of June, so there's some relief there, but I'm still feeling the pressure to sell this house.
Friday, April 17, 2009
All Anxiety All the Time
So after reading back my last entry, I realize how neurotic I've been. Because now, I have a whole new set of worries. We are getting a puppy. This is something I've dreamed about for years. I've wanted to move and get a house with a yard so we could have a dog since... um, well... spring of 2006. Seriously. So the fact that we are now getting a puppy has me excited beyond belief.
So I've been researching and trying to see what we need for a puppy and dog and now I'm starting to freak out a little bit. We're getting a mastiff. We haven't had a showing in over a week. We bought a crate. We have nowhere to put it. We bought some puppy food. We have nowhere to put a puppy's bowl. We have nowhere to put the cats food so the dog won't get it. We are stuck in this house. Cue anxiety. I need someone to buy our house NOW. Before, we were pretty laissez-faire about selling the house. That was before. Now, we need to get rid of it and in a new house with a yard and more space.
When I bought the crate, it barely fit into my car. Now, we plan on taking the dog with us when we go to San Antonio, and taking the fold-able crate for the dog while we're there. Or, if not that, taking the dog to my parents' so they can watch it - but also taking the crate for her to sleep in. So how in God's name are we going to take us, the crate and the dog in our cars? Anywhere? In either of them?? Cue panic. We were planning on getting an SUV when we had a baby. Well... now I'm thinking we should get a SUV ASAP.
And after reading the last post about anxiousness of where we would move - well, I'm still worried about that, but now I'm MUCH more worried about actually selling this damn house and being able to move. After so much time wanting to move... it makes me mad we didn't list our house earlier. I should have demanded it. But someone wanted to wait. I brought it up to the point of nagging. And was put off for excuse after excuse. And now the market is shit and we don't have room for our dog and we're never going to sell and we won't be able to go anywhere.
**deep breaths**
It will all work out. We will be fine. Soon I'll be sitting in my new house, pregnant or with my baby, husband and dog, with a wonderful job freaking out about something else. Limbo will be over. And this will be a distant memory.
PS - and also - we so didn't score another break cycle BFP. I can just feel it. Counting down the days to Provera time.
So I've been researching and trying to see what we need for a puppy and dog and now I'm starting to freak out a little bit. We're getting a mastiff. We haven't had a showing in over a week. We bought a crate. We have nowhere to put it. We bought some puppy food. We have nowhere to put a puppy's bowl. We have nowhere to put the cats food so the dog won't get it. We are stuck in this house. Cue anxiety. I need someone to buy our house NOW. Before, we were pretty laissez-faire about selling the house. That was before. Now, we need to get rid of it and in a new house with a yard and more space.
When I bought the crate, it barely fit into my car. Now, we plan on taking the dog with us when we go to San Antonio, and taking the fold-able crate for the dog while we're there. Or, if not that, taking the dog to my parents' so they can watch it - but also taking the crate for her to sleep in. So how in God's name are we going to take us, the crate and the dog in our cars? Anywhere? In either of them?? Cue panic. We were planning on getting an SUV when we had a baby. Well... now I'm thinking we should get a SUV ASAP.
And after reading the last post about anxiousness of where we would move - well, I'm still worried about that, but now I'm MUCH more worried about actually selling this damn house and being able to move. After so much time wanting to move... it makes me mad we didn't list our house earlier. I should have demanded it. But someone wanted to wait. I brought it up to the point of nagging. And was put off for excuse after excuse. And now the market is shit and we don't have room for our dog and we're never going to sell and we won't be able to go anywhere.
**deep breaths**
It will all work out. We will be fine. Soon I'll be sitting in my new house, pregnant or with my baby, husband and dog, with a wonderful job freaking out about something else. Limbo will be over. And this will be a distant memory.
PS - and also - we so didn't score another break cycle BFP. I can just feel it. Counting down the days to Provera time.
Friday, April 10, 2009
"You Can Drink Now, Right?"
Yes, unfortunately. So nothing really happening on the IF front. Still in the middle of a break cycle. Still trying to make the best of the break cycle. Doing the procreation dance every other day to up our chances. Taking (worthless) OPK sticks every morning. And having (TMI) a whole SHITLOAD of CM. I mean, dripping down my leg lot. Seems really weird to me. I've never had this happen before. And its obviously not fertile CM, because of the drippiness and non-egg-white-ness- feeling. So, I wonder what it means. Must be an overabundance of some hormone or something right? Maybe from all the procreation dancing (I'm testing this phrase to see if I like it or if it sounds a little... gai).
In other news... Puppies! Were! Born! Euchre had 7 puppies; 5 boys (hmmph) and 2 girls. Since Amy, Marc and I are all partial to girl dogs, we were a little saddened (well, me and Amy especially, since I think Marc was feeling defensive about his gender there) about all the boys. But they're here! And they are all healthy and doing great! Euchre isa great mom, cleaning them and being super protective of them and feeding them. Marc and I were there for the births of the last 6 (we just missed the first born) and I actually caught the 7th as it was coming out of her (she was standing up and I didn't want it to fall on the floor). Overall, the birthing process went from 1:30pm to 8:30pm, which is pretty normal. Marc and I are struggling over names right now. I've got a list going of the ones we like, but girl names are so much harder than boy names. We seriously have over ten boy names we like. But very few we both like for girls. We'll find something though.
I've applied to a school district to teach in and am working on applying to more. I didn't realize the application process would require a writing sample about you had a success story with a child (thanks KISD for that load of shite) so its taking some time. Job fairs should be coming up soon. I'm super nervous about the prospect of teaching, but know that I NEED a job! Especially for when we sell the house and then are making mortgage payments on a more expensive one. Eek!
Speaking of the house, we seem to have a couple of interested parties, but no offers. The outside was just painted, so that's nice... all we need now are some offers!! Of course, my big fear now is that we'll have no idea where to move to once the house is sold and we'll have to make some big decisions quickly. Of course, if all this could happen in time for the puppy to come home (to the new house) that would be GREAT. So we don't have to worry about a puppy in the house we're trying to sell.
In other news... Puppies! Were! Born! Euchre had 7 puppies; 5 boys (hmmph) and 2 girls. Since Amy, Marc and I are all partial to girl dogs, we were a little saddened (well, me and Amy especially, since I think Marc was feeling defensive about his gender there) about all the boys. But they're here! And they are all healthy and doing great! Euchre isa great mom, cleaning them and being super protective of them and feeding them. Marc and I were there for the births of the last 6 (we just missed the first born) and I actually caught the 7th as it was coming out of her (she was standing up and I didn't want it to fall on the floor). Overall, the birthing process went from 1:30pm to 8:30pm, which is pretty normal. Marc and I are struggling over names right now. I've got a list going of the ones we like, but girl names are so much harder than boy names. We seriously have over ten boy names we like. But very few we both like for girls. We'll find something though.
I've applied to a school district to teach in and am working on applying to more. I didn't realize the application process would require a writing sample about you had a success story with a child (thanks KISD for that load of shite) so its taking some time. Job fairs should be coming up soon. I'm super nervous about the prospect of teaching, but know that I NEED a job! Especially for when we sell the house and then are making mortgage payments on a more expensive one. Eek!
Speaking of the house, we seem to have a couple of interested parties, but no offers. The outside was just painted, so that's nice... all we need now are some offers!! Of course, my big fear now is that we'll have no idea where to move to once the house is sold and we'll have to make some big decisions quickly. Of course, if all this could happen in time for the puppy to come home (to the new house) that would be GREAT. So we don't have to worry about a puppy in the house we're trying to sell.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Temper Tantrum Over
So yesterday I threw a bit of a fit. I was pissed and upset. Today I feel... better. Not quite so angry. I mean, it still SUCKS, but a forced break is a part of IF life. I felt a ton better after talking to Marc yesterday. We looked at what we did the last break cycle when we got pregnant and are going to do everything we can to have that happen again. Starting on cycle day 10, I'm going to take OPK tests and we're going to have sex every other day for a week or two. I really just cannot imagine that my body would ovulate on a break cycle again, but we're going to try. So, although we aren't really doing anything, it still feels like we're taking control of what we can. And that makes me feel better.
To me, it's incredibly weird that we are in the same pattern as before. Pregnancy, miscarriage, negative IUI, break cycle. There are several big differences, of course, but... it's pretty interesting. I can only hope that the pattern continues in the same fashion for just one more step. And only one more step.
I also put my finger on what I dislike about the nurse I'm assigned to. I feel like she doesn't really know me and my situation. I know her IVF patients require more time and I'm sure she tries harder with them... but I still feel like she should try to get to know me more. (Whenever I talk to Dr. M I feel like she knows me and cares. And I know she has a hell of a lot more patients than the stupid nurse.) This whole process is so personal and intimate - yet with her, I get platitudes and she talks to me in a very fake way. She says that she's "bummed for us because we on a break and oooh man!" in her high pitched fake voice that she normally doesn't talk to people with. When she's serious she talks normally... half the time I don't believe a word she's saying she feels. And I hate that she drums the 'be positive!' 'everything's going to be good!' into me and makes me feel bad when I don't feel that way. Marc brought up the point that she has to be positive or people would complain... I just don't want to be browbeat-ed into feeling that way when I don't. I think I should be allowed to feel down and defeated once in a while. Ugh. I just hate her. The sooner I get pregnant and graduate and don't have to deal with her the better.
Maybe I should ask to be reassigned. But I'm not doing IVF so I feel bad, which, in turn angers me. Most people not doing IVF don't get assigned a nurse, which is stupid to me - everyone should have an assigned nurse. If they're going to offer other ARTs then they should treat everyone the same - not like some stepchildren because we aren't ready for IVF and possibly can't afford it. (I also have a huge problem with clinics charging regular people so much money for all of this and then giving insurance companies discounts - what's that about anyway? pisses me off....)
Anyway, I don't really know what I'm going to do about this. I guess I'll stay with her until something really pisses me off. I got kinda snipy with her yesterday on the phone. I made it clear that I didn't like the blood test, even though I knew why they had to do it. It doesn't feel like she listens to me (or even likes me). Before I could even say that I knew why they had to do it, she was telling me and kind of arguing with me about it. When I was agreeing with her! I basically took some of my bad mood out on her, but overall was just very upset. She didn't help at all. Not that I feel too bad about it - I didn't appreciate the false tones she was talking to me in and she didn't try to make me feel better about anything. AARGGHHH.. Ok. I'm just done talking about this. We'll see what happens. I know she has a good IUI success rate. I'm not going to do anything for now.
To me, it's incredibly weird that we are in the same pattern as before. Pregnancy, miscarriage, negative IUI, break cycle. There are several big differences, of course, but... it's pretty interesting. I can only hope that the pattern continues in the same fashion for just one more step. And only one more step.
I also put my finger on what I dislike about the nurse I'm assigned to. I feel like she doesn't really know me and my situation. I know her IVF patients require more time and I'm sure she tries harder with them... but I still feel like she should try to get to know me more. (Whenever I talk to Dr. M I feel like she knows me and cares. And I know she has a hell of a lot more patients than the stupid nurse.) This whole process is so personal and intimate - yet with her, I get platitudes and she talks to me in a very fake way. She says that she's "bummed for us because we on a break and oooh man!" in her high pitched fake voice that she normally doesn't talk to people with. When she's serious she talks normally... half the time I don't believe a word she's saying she feels. And I hate that she drums the 'be positive!' 'everything's going to be good!' into me and makes me feel bad when I don't feel that way. Marc brought up the point that she has to be positive or people would complain... I just don't want to be browbeat-ed into feeling that way when I don't. I think I should be allowed to feel down and defeated once in a while. Ugh. I just hate her. The sooner I get pregnant and graduate and don't have to deal with her the better.
Maybe I should ask to be reassigned. But I'm not doing IVF so I feel bad, which, in turn angers me. Most people not doing IVF don't get assigned a nurse, which is stupid to me - everyone should have an assigned nurse. If they're going to offer other ARTs then they should treat everyone the same - not like some stepchildren because we aren't ready for IVF and possibly can't afford it. (I also have a huge problem with clinics charging regular people so much money for all of this and then giving insurance companies discounts - what's that about anyway? pisses me off....)
Anyway, I don't really know what I'm going to do about this. I guess I'll stay with her until something really pisses me off. I got kinda snipy with her yesterday on the phone. I made it clear that I didn't like the blood test, even though I knew why they had to do it. It doesn't feel like she listens to me (or even likes me). Before I could even say that I knew why they had to do it, she was telling me and kind of arguing with me about it. When I was agreeing with her! I basically took some of my bad mood out on her, but overall was just very upset. She didn't help at all. Not that I feel too bad about it - I didn't appreciate the false tones she was talking to me in and she didn't try to make me feel better about anything. AARGGHHH.. Ok. I'm just done talking about this. We'll see what happens. I know she has a good IUI success rate. I'm not going to do anything for now.
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