Temper Tantrum Over

So yesterday I threw a bit of a fit. I was pissed and upset. Today I feel... better. Not quite so angry. I mean, it still SUCKS, but a forced break is a part of IF life. I felt a ton better after talking to Marc yesterday. We looked at what we did the last break cycle when we got pregnant and are going to do everything we can to have that happen again. Starting on cycle day 10, I'm going to take OPK tests and we're going to have sex every other day for a week or two. I really just cannot imagine that my body would ovulate on a break cycle again, but we're going to try. So, although we aren't really doing anything, it still feels like we're taking control of what we can. And that makes me feel better.

To me, it's incredibly weird that we are in the same pattern as before. Pregnancy, miscarriage, negative IUI, break cycle. There are several big differences, of course, but... it's pretty interesting. I can only hope that the pattern continues in the same fashion for just one more step. And only one more step.

I also put my finger on what I dislike about the nurse I'm assigned to. I feel like she doesn't really know me and my situation. I know her IVF patients require more time and I'm sure she tries harder with them... but I still feel like she should try to get to know me more. (Whenever I talk to Dr. M I feel like she knows me and cares. And I know she has a hell of a lot more patients than the stupid nurse.) This whole process is so personal and intimate - yet with her, I get platitudes and she talks to me in a very fake way. She says that she's "bummed for us because we on a break and oooh man!" in her high pitched fake voice that she normally doesn't talk to people with. When she's serious she talks normally... half the time I don't believe a word she's saying she feels. And I hate that she drums the 'be positive!' 'everything's going to be good!' into me and makes me feel bad when I don't feel that way. Marc brought up the point that she has to be positive or people would complain... I just don't want to be browbeat-ed into feeling that way when I don't. I think I should be allowed to feel down and defeated once in a while. Ugh. I just hate her. The sooner I get pregnant and graduate and don't have to deal with her the better.

Maybe I should ask to be reassigned. But I'm not doing IVF so I feel bad, which, in turn angers me. Most people not doing IVF don't get assigned a nurse, which is stupid to me - everyone should have an assigned nurse. If they're going to offer other ARTs then they should treat everyone the same - not like some stepchildren because we aren't ready for IVF and possibly can't afford it. (I also have a huge problem with clinics charging regular people so much money for all of this and then giving insurance companies discounts - what's that about anyway? pisses me off....)

Anyway, I don't really know what I'm going to do about this. I guess I'll stay with her until something really pisses me off. I got kinda snipy with her yesterday on the phone. I made it clear that I didn't like the blood test, even though I knew why they had to do it. It doesn't feel like she listens to me (or even likes me). Before I could even say that I knew why they had to do it, she was telling me and kind of arguing with me about it. When I was agreeing with her! I basically took some of my bad mood out on her, but overall was just very upset. She didn't help at all. Not that I feel too bad about it - I didn't appreciate the false tones she was talking to me in and she didn't try to make me feel better about anything. AARGGHHH.. Ok. I'm just done talking about this. We'll see what happens. I know she has a good IUI success rate. I'm not going to do anything for now.

So Fucking Pissed

I'm just so goddamned pissed and upset right now. I just got back from the RE's. I started my period Friday, so I knew this cycle was a bust. So I was thinking, ok we'll just do a cycle day 3 scan for cysts. And, of course, I have cysts. Two big fat cysts on my right ovary. I know they're "normal" but what the fuck ever. Like I care. So we're on a forced break cycle. Yip-ee. To add insult to injury, they insisted on doing a HCG test anyway. Because all those negative pee sticks, and, I don't know, the presence of my PERIOD mean nothing apparently. And it hurt. And they can all go take a flying leap. Fuck them all. I'm just so goddamned pissed off at the world right now.

I know I technically could have had a chemical pregnancy, and I know they want to make absolutely sure I'm not pg, but really? I started my period rather early. So, no. Not likely a chem pg. And if it was, do they really think I want to know that? That my period was actually a m/c? Yes, that would be quite lovely. Miscarriage number 3. And, if I am pregnant, what are the chances that I'm actually going to stay pregnant? I just had the heaviest fucking bleeding - seriously, soaking through super tampons in two hours - so you know; great sign for a healthy pregnancy.

To top it all off, this weekend was my first estimated delivery date. So, if things hadn't gotten all FUBAR with my first pregnancy, we could have a baby right now. Isn't that thrilling to know.

I seriously just can't be happy about anything or for anyone right now. It's not fair. All these recent pregnancy announcements on the board are making me sad. And then I feel like a horrible person for being so jealous and miserable.

I could have handled (and did) a negative pg test. A negative cycle. But this forced break I can't. Because last time we were on a forced break I got pg. So now, my hopes (and even more sadly, Marc's) are going to be ridiculously high... when they shouldn't be, because that pregnancy was SUCH a fluke. I know my body doesn't work that way. And when it doesn't work and I'm not pregnant 35 days later and have to start Provera... it's just going to be a lot harder. For both of us.

May 1. 35 days later I'll test so I can start Provera. Just to get a period. May 1 before we get to start doing anything again. It feels so far away.

Yeah so forget everything I wrote in that last post

because I started my period last night.

Yeah.

So that feeling different thing? Not so much different as in about to start my period. Which, really... not so different. And it hur-ts and is heavy. funfunfun

A Confession

So I've been testing. Since 8dpiui. All negative. Today is 11dpiui and it's still negative. I really thought this cycle had done something - I just felt different. I know that sounds strange, but... man. I know there's still time, and that it still could have worked and that I've been testing way too early, but I just thought it would be nice if it were positive early. Oh well.

Marc saw one in the trash and asked why I tested. I gave him an excuse, because, I honestly don't know what to say to explain my actions. They're just dollar store tests. What's the big deal? I suppose he's right.

By different, I mean, that I've had super sensitive boobs all throughout (which I've been told is nothing) that I only had when I was pregnant the first time and is a symptom I thought would come back when I was pg again. My boobs feel heavier and larger and just... sore. Taking them out of a bra - man. Totally crazy. I've also been tired early, something that only happened when I was pg. I have had trouble sleeping. Vivid dreams. I was super bloated the first week (probably until 7 or 8 dpiui) and then lately I've had weird cramps. Sometimes it feels like I'm about to start my period, sometimes its just weird twinges and stuff. Actually, I guess I should say I've had that throughout the 2ww.

Maybe its just my body getting re-acclimated to all this again. All the meds and hormones. I told Marc the other night that if this worked it would be like a freaking miracle. To get pg 3 times out of 4 iuis? Man. (Granted, one of those was a break cycle and doesn't really count as a pg by iui, but still.) I told him that I wasn't expecting this first cycle back to work and that it would be like we were easing back into things and this was just a warm up. A practice run, you might say. I also told him the percentages were against us with this stuff, so he should not be surprised when it doesn't work and should be surprised when it does. I'm just being logical. He said I should be more positive. (I really wanted to remind him of the conversation we had after the 2nd m/c - he (or anyone else) doesn't get to tell me how to feel about all of this.)

I'm also afraid that by not getting a positive test yet, that means there isn't a lot of HCG in my system, which means that IF I am pg, my beta will be low. And that sucks. Because the last time I had a low beta I miscarried. And I had a negative test the Saturday night before the Monday beta. So yeah. But so, a negative test this morning. We only have a couple more days. I hope, if it is negative that AF just shows up so I don't have to get a stupid blood test.

What a Good Post

So I read this and decided to copy and link to the article because it brought me to tears and was just dead on. And is something I wish all my friends and family would read lol.

How to be Good Friends with an Infertile
I have quite a few ‘normal’ friends (i.e. not infertile) who read this blog. (I am so far out the closet it is frightening, even my brother and ex flirts read this blog). Imagine how confusing most of the lingo must be for them. Anyhow. Back to the point of this post. One of those friends said to me “I wish you would write about how to be a good friend to an infertile person”. Which is really sweet of her and shows she has already passed one of the requirements. So I started thinking about writing a post on this and realized what a hard task this is. How do you become a Good Friend to an Infertile?

Firstly, I have to say that this being a Good Friend to an Infertile is not an easy job at all. It is a job with fluid parameters, a thankless job sometimes and one where it might appear that no matter how hard you try, you never seem to get it right. There are times when you will be extremely busy and the job is very demanding. There are other times where you will benched, forced to sit on the outside looking in. There is not often any logic in this change of demand. Be aware of the volatility of work pressure when applying for this job. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.
Secondly, there is not a universal job description, and worst of all, your job duties will change over time. There is not a universal job description because Infertiles come in different flavors. True, one can categorize these flavors to some extent, but variations will always exist. Your eternal optimist / newbie / completely uninvolved infertile doesn’t need too much in the way of special friendship; they believe the problem is temporary and will get resolved soon. They don’t feel broken, different or an outcast. Your longer term / highly involved infertile is a very tricky beast, and is one to be handled with great caution and protective gloves (for you, not her). This person feels alienated from society and carries great pain and angst in their souls. They might not show it all the time, but there is a very sensitive, raw spot in their souls that is easily bruised. Then you get the older timers, who’ve been doing this so long it just becomes part of who they are. These infertiles have gone through the great angst and intense pain of the ‘dark years’ and have come out realizing that while infertility is shit, it is not all consuming. And instead of crying, they laugh. Because infertility is actually a comedy of errors, sometimes.
Infertiles tend to move through these stages at different pace. Which makes it very hard being a Good Friend to an Infertile, because the type of friendship involved is so different at each stage. It is very very hard being a Good Friend to someone stuck in the dark stage of infertility. It is a very painful place for an infertile to be. There is no hope, just a great deep dark sense of despair. You feel totally alienated from the rest of the world and you are consumed by your situation. Every thing hurts, and every thing has the power to hurt you. Your world shrinks to the world of infertility and you fight tooth and nail to protect the fragile hold you have on sanity. The best advice I can give to a Good Friend at this stage is to offer friendship and support, from a distance. Say things like “I am here for you if you want to talk, or not talk, or drink, or swear, or shop. But if you don’t want to that’s perfectly ok. I’ll be here waiting for you when YOU are ready to come out the cave”. If you can bear it, hang in there, your friendship should return to some semblance of its previous form once your Infertile has worked her way through her dark despair. It has nothing to do with you or you ability to friend, it has every thing to do with her coping with the horrible reality of her situation. Being a Good Friend to the eternal optimist or the good-humored veteran is a lot easier, with these few survival tips.

1. Good Friends never judge. Remember that unless
you’ve walked in the person’s shoes, you can’t say “well I would never….do IVF/terminate a pg/spend so much money on ART etc” To be honest, who likes judgmental people any way.
2. Good Friends will educate themselves about what their Infertile is going through. HUGE proviso: see point 3 before putting any thing into action. Read up about infertility so that you get a high-level understanding of the intricacies involved. Know little things like eggs are retrieved, then fertilized and they become embryos. Then the embryos are put back. Just small things so that when your infertile does share some of her world with you, you will understand. I think this shows commitment to the friendship.
3. However. Do not willy nilly offer advice, or hot off the press latest research about a fantastic new procedure that is sure to work. Remember the stuff they write about in your local woman’s magazine is stuff that your Infertile did in Infertility 101. Been there, failed that. ICSI is not a new procedure, I promise. And yes, we have heard of taking cough syrup to increase cervical mucous. Oh, and for my Aunt, yes I have heard of lying with my legs in the air after having sex. Unfortunately, I have PCOS and don’t ovulate so I could be lying with my legs in the air doing bicycle movements till the cows come home and all the sperm are going to do is mill around confused asking where the fuck the egg is, bemoaning the fact that this has been a useless trip out and they might as well have had a wank. Which goes back to Point 2. Educate yourself about your friend’s diagnosis so that you can avoid offering pointless advice.
And please, what ever you do, never, ever be so stupid as to say “just relax”. Would you say to a cancer patient “just relax”? Would you say to someone who can’t see “just relax”? Of course you wouldn’t. Plus you have to know that “just relaxing” will not change the medical diagnosis that is causing your friends infertility. Because of course you’ve done enough reading to carry on an intelligent conversation, if your Infertile decides to engage you in one.
4. Platitudes. Never ever offer platitudes. This is a totally selfish act any way because all platitudes do is make you feel better and the Infertile feel worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly stupid thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin etc”. Infertility is a medical condition. Not some factor in the universe’s bigger plan for the Infertile. Similar to “its God will”. How the fuck do you know? You have a direct connection or what? How about “are you sure you want kids?” lovingly looking at your own screaming kids. No dear, I am spending thousands and enduring physical, emotional and mental anguish just because I am obscenely stupid. Or “you can have mine”. Now that’s an incredibly stupid thing to say. What kind of mother are you to give her kids away? Oh you were only joking? What was the funny part? That I don’t have my own kids? Sorry, but I am not getting the joke? Call me stupid. In addition, please don’t tell me about your friend/cousin/co-worker who got pg naturally after 8 years of trying. It doesn’t make me feel better, it depresses me. Good for her. It’s got nothing to do with my situation.
5. The tricky one. Announcing pregnancies / baby showers / births and other kid things. The best advice I can give here is trust the Infertile to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your Infertile knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle. But do invite her, give her the choice of saying no. And then respect her to know that sometimes she needs to protect her own fragile soul more than she needs to fulfill social obligations.
6. The level of involvement. Infertiles differ in the level of involvement they engage their Good Friends in. Some, like me, are pretty open about the whole thing. Every Friend and their Mother knows when I am going in for ER, ET or whatever. Other people prefer to keep their infertility private. Find out what your Infertile prefers and operate at the level she feels comfortable with.
7. Which brings to me to my final point. If you don’t know how to act, ask. I love that my friends ask me how I want them to act around me. They also know that if they ask the question “how is it going with your treatment” I will either tell them or I will say “irritating, I don’t want to talk about it now”. They totally respect that and don’t push. I have great friends.

There have been many articles written on the web about what to say and not to say to an Infertile, how the family should act etc. I wont go into those. If you are a Good Friend you will have done a little surfing and read those things anyway. Besides, this post is already way too long.
To end off, if you decide to accept the job of Good Friend to an Infertile, I applaud you. Because it is not an easy job. It really isn’t. As I have said, it’s a pretty thankless job and one in which your job description is so fluid that what is required today is wrong tomorrow. I thank those of my Good Friends who have stuck around so long with me. I know it hasn’t been easy. I appreciate your friendship, I really do.

Weird Dreams

So San Antonio was great. We didn't really do anything fun - watched movies both nights and generally didn't do anything. I had vivid dreams one night that funnily enough was very similar to one George had, which was funny. We ate great (like always) thanks to George.

So last night I had a weird dream about starting my period. :( So I guess we'll see what happens there. My boobs have already gotten less tender (I think it was the trigger that caused the sore boobies side effect in the first place - I was just hoping that some real sore boobie symptom would take its place). Anyway, so there's nothing new to report. I am 8dpiui today. I'm going to be running to the dollar store later to pick up some pee sticks, although I may wait to so I don't get tempted to pee early. I know knowing really won't make a difference in anything. But you know. Knowing would mean I would know. Ah, now I'm just talking in circles.

In other news, we got accepted into the Attain program! Whoo-hoo! So if we decide to spend $23,400 for 3 IVF and 3 FET cycles, we can. Well, I guess with a guarantee of 70% back if it doesn't work. We have 60 days to accept or not. I think we'll do a couple more IUI's before we do IVF. So we may need to re-apply later. But at least all the tests are done so if we want to or need to convert a cycle to IVF we can.

March the 18th

We had a showing! And they were interested! And we had a Realtor call Amy who said that she had a client who was interested (she saw the house last week)! So yay for all the interest on the house!

Today and tomorrow is when the implantation should occur, if there be any fertilized anythings to implant. We'll see. So the cleaning for the house this morning was light. And I haven't exerted myself and I plan on doing nothing but sitting on my ass all the live long rest of the day. And possibly tomorrow.

The BLOAT

Oh. My. God. I feel like I've gained 20 pounds. All in my stomach. The bloat is unbelievable. I'm still taking the wheat grass, but today it doesn't seem to be doing much, like it has in the past week or so. I just sit here, hoping to fart and burp to try to get rid of some of this.

And, after that lovely intro - Happy St. Patrick's Day! I plan on going up to Sherlock's with the gang today, so that's exciting. I know its so not what I "should" do while trying to get pregnant and spending lots of money to get pregnant, but I plan on drinking tonight. I just don't think its going to make a difference in whether or not I get and stay pregnant. I mean, the last two pregnancies, I was so good. I didn't drink any alcohol, much less caffeine, etc. I drank a ton of water. I ate healthier. And none of it did any good. So right now - I'm not going to stress about it. What happens will happen, whether I drink today or not. Whether I have a soda today. Or not. What I do today will not have much impact on whether I get pg (within certain limits, of course). So I plan on having a good time. I'm not going to get drunk, I'm not going to get crazy. But, I'm going to have a good time hanging out with friends. Last night, today, tonight or tomorrow morning, the sperm should fertilize the egg. I got worried this morning after reading about a WTF appointment from someone who did IVF with a negative result who said that her eggs may not have been fully mature because she stimmed so fast - under 8 days. Well, I only stimmed for 7 days, so now I'm a little worried that my eggs weren't mature enough. Oh well. I'll guess we'll see. Wednesday or Thursday should be implantation day. I just keep visualizing whats going on in there to hopefully get my body and the spermies to cooperate. Hopefully, the luck of the Irish will be with me! Fertilize egg! Fertilize!

IUI #4 This Morning

And now I am tired. Everything went well. The nurse who did the IUI said I was "easy" because the IUI was easy to do on me. Apparently, I'm very "open" down there and it was easy to get everything in. Well, gee! They sure know how to flatter a girl! Afterward I made a trip to Costco and then the grocery store. The maids were at the house (yay for a clean house) so I hung out with Amy and Ponch and had lunch with them. By the time I got home, I was super tired and bloated as hell. The prescibed sexy time happened, but I was freaked out that what happened last time (the horrible, horrible waves of pain through my abdomen) would happen again, so I was careful and, thankfully, nothing happened. So now we wait. Although the goal right now is to just get pregnant, I'm kinda freaked about it and worried about staying pregnant. But, one step at a time. First I just need to get pregnant.

Things Are a Go!

So tonight I trigger. We went to the RE this morning and got blood work and a scan and got the phone call to trigger tonight at 9:30pm. We had 2 mature-ish follies (15mm and 16mm) and one that was pretty close. I don't know what my estrogen levels were as I got a message, but hopefully we aren't triggering too early. This means the IUI will be Monday morning. I kinda wanted it to be on St. Patrick's Day, because that's when we got engaged, but it's close enough. I'm kinda torn as to how much I'm going to really be partying. I don't really want to drink a lot, but at the same time was looking forward to celebrating with Amy. Since I'd only be one day past the IUI I think I'll just have a couple of drinks, but not over do it. But I'm pretty excited about the IUI! I hope it goes really well!

Hysteroscopy This Morning

So this morning was my pain-free completely cool hysteroscopy. I got to see the inside of my uterus and my fallopian tubes - in real time on a screen with a camera. It was awesome! And, everything looked good, thank god. I also have one good sized follicle on each ovary (a 10 and a 13) so that's good. My e2 is only 275, but we're lowering my stims to 75iu's and go back on Saturday morning.

But now I'm really stuck with what we do next. We're getting everything ready to move to IVF because we felt like that's what we 'should' do; the logical next step, after what will be our fourth IUI this cycle. I'm excited about it - about moving forward...

BUT after talking with Dr. M today, I'm even more unsure. She basically said that it was a matter of patience - whether we want a baby NOW or if it's ok with us if it takes a bit longer. All our problems are with my reproductive system and as she puts it I'm young - 27. But DH is 41. (His stuff is fine and I know it doesn't really matter how old he is IF wise, but as he puts it, he doesn't want to be the grandpa on the playground with our kid(s).)

We've been at the RE for a little over a year (off BCP to get pg since Jan 2006) and after 2 pregnancies and 2 subsequent m/c's I know I can get pg without IVF... but I also want to get and stay pg NOW. But I don't want to spend the $$ for IVF if we can get pg without it and I know IVF won't necessarily help me stay pg, but I also know that if there are problems with us tests haven't brought up so far, IVF could reveal them. We did just get diagnosed with the MTHFR mutation so its possible that that could explain one or both of the m/c's and that more IUI's would lead to a successful, viable pregnancy. Ugh. I'm so stuck. I would love it if this wasn't even an issue in a couple of weeks.

IUI #4 Update

So I got the e2 results from this morning - it's at 124. Not the greatest, so I'm kinda bummed about that, but hopefully they'll get better. I am to continue the 150iu and then go in Thursday for a scan and more bloodwork, along with the hysteroscopy.

Tomorrow is the OB GYN yearly. The nurse was calling to confirm my appointment and I told her I had the pap done at HIVF, so she wondered if I really needed to come in at all. She confirmed that I would come in when I found out I was pg and that we could do everything then. I agreed until she said, well I guess we don't know how long it'll take for you to get pg. And I told her I had been with HIVF for over a year. And she said, well then you should definitely come in. I know she didn't mean to imply that it would take me even LONGER to get pg, but seriously. It's called tact and thinking before you speak. Needless to say, I'm going in tomorrow, for what is promising to be a rather unpleasant day. I get to recap the entire year for her. Joy.

Wheatgrass for me!

So after reading about it, and (more importantly) reading about all the people who have gotten pregnant while taking wheatgrass, I've decided to buy some and try it. I don't know how long it'll take for the stuff to take effect, but I'm hoping that it will work its magic by this cycle's IUI. And if this cycle doesn't work (which - positive vibes here!) then the wheatgrass should continue all those great things and hopefully make the IVF cycle fantastic. I'm convinced that its just a matter of time. This year will be different and things will be great.

Never thought I'd be here tonight

I just took the first injectible shot tonight since last October. I know its weird, but I really, really thought that there wouldn't be anymore shots until IVF time. We got pregnant again right after that cycle on a break cycle and I just thought - ok this is it. For real - like not even for IVF. I can't imagine myself giving myself any more shots - like I literally can't see it. I'm done. And tonight, it all started again. I'm excited to be starting up again, don't get me wrong, but I'm also kinda surprised that I did it. That I had to do it. That I looked down and saw myself give myself a shot. It doesn't really seem real.

And while part of me is all lament-y and stuff, another part is all - YYYEAAAHHH!!!! We're really doing this again - wah-hoo! I just hope this isn't a throwaway cycle before we move to IVF. I really hope this one works. Even if I am using 'old' meds. So 150iu of Gonal tonight, tomorrow and Monday, and then doctor appt Tuesday so see where we are. Marc's coming with to get communicables tested again and then Thursday, I'll get the hysteroscopy.

Today was also the last day of Saturday class for me at ACT... only Monday and Tuesday left! It honestly feels like throwaway classes. I mean, we're learning good stuff, but it's just so close to the end. We've passed the tests and made it through the projects. It just feels like there's not much else to get through. I guess the hardest part is yet to come.

Today was also Mike's memorial service. RIP Mike. I wish I had gotten to know you better, but I liked what I knew and liked hanging out with you and Anne.

We have a showing tomorrow, which I really hope goes well. I told Amy today that I'm not optimistic, and that I don't care if the house just sits on the market - I'd rather it be listed than not - know what I mean? I just don't think there's a market out there right now. No one's buying. But I'd rather the house be listed than not. Just in case. Everyone needs SOMEWHERE to live, right? Why not here?

We also found out today that Euchre got all knocked up. I swear. First time being poked and she gets babies (I mean, is this seriously fair?!? Not that I wish I had gotten KU the first time I was 'poked' or anything, but come on!). We get first pick - heehee! I'm so excited to get a little Winston/Euchre pup! They're going to be the MOST beautiful little beebees ever. And, that means we get a dog!!! The cats will freak, but I'm just so excited. I heart dogs and have wanted one for so long. I'll also be helping Amy take care of them, as much as she needs me to, anyway. How fun!

This Makes Me Heartsick

http://www.sweet-juniper.com/2009/02/i-scrapper.html

and angry and sad and shocked and appalled and... well just about speechless.

OK. What. The. Fuck.

I so thought today was the day. I so thought wow, I can't believe this, I'm starting my period today, which is even better than I thought. I didn't think I'd start until Friday. And then my schedule would be all fucked up because I have class on Saturday I DO NOT want to miss. Actually, I take that back. I will not miss that class. So I don't really know what that would mean and when I'd go in. So yeah. The cramping it started. There was discharge. I was well on my way. And then it all stopped. Or stalled. I prefer stalled. Meaning that it will eventually start up again. Soon. God I hope it starts again soon. I don't want to jinx myself out of it. Maybe I'll just go to bed now.

Update

So I passed my sickness onto Marc, and he has not enjoyed it at all. I think he's finally getting over it though. Monday was my last day on Provera and I think I'm starting a little bit today. The cramps are coming and I've had some spotting. I hope this is the real thing. I took a pg test this morning, knowing it would be negative in hopes that it would spur AF to action, so it might have worked. I won't be able to call today day one though, its looking like. So we'll see. I'm excited that this is finally starting up again. It feels like its been so long.

I only have 3 more classes left of my teacher training, so that's exciting. I need to finish the last couple of tickets, but after that I should be mostly done. Last week I had my mini teach which was extremely nerve-wracking, but done. And my teacher said I did really well and that I was "a natural". Whoop-ee! It was very gratifying to hear that and makes me feel much more confident. And, Amy and I both passed our ESL certification tests. So we can now be more marketable as potential teachers and hopefully find great jobs. I'm not 100% sure about teaching to these kids - at least for my first year, I'd like to at least have a 'normal' class without the higher demands and pressures, but I don't know that that will be possible.

The house hasn't seen any more action, for which we are incredibly bummed about. I just can't help but think about the timing of everything and I really, really hope that it will all work out together (the baby and the house) and SOON. I just kinda feel like we're in some strange limbo period, and have been for about a year now. I just wish something would happen. And now seems like the worst time, economically, for us to be in this situation.

Uck...Yack...

I'm just now getting over being sick. I started feeling badly the day after we got back from Mexico, so I'm guessing it's something I picked up on the plane (probably from those damn babies) or airport. Or it could have been all the ugly ranting from the last post, which, after re-reading seems excessive, but I'm not going to delete or edit it. I blame the hormones. The sore throat, the sinus headaches, the sneezing, etc. Man it's been ugly. At least all I've needed to this past week was do laundry, clean up the house and read the Sookie Stackhouse books, which I've done. At least until book 7. I'm waiting for book 8 to arrive in the mail. Whee!

We had one showing this weekend, which seemed promising. Of course we haven't heard anything and they didn't have a pre-approval letter, so I'm guessing it wasn't a serious buyer.

This week I have to concentrate on finishing my assignments for my ACT classes. I have a major presentation due Saturday that I have to put together this week. And I have the ESL test on Wednesday afternoon that I'll spend all morning studying for.

I'm on day 4 of the Provera. No sign of AF, so I'm guessing it'll take the full course before I get anything. Which, according to my past history means I should be starting my period around March 6. Which would mean a tame St. Patrick's Day for me, as I'll likely be in the 2ww.

Back from Vacation

It was a lot of fun. Cancun was very cool, Chichen Itza was awesome and Isla Mujeres was muy excelente.

Until the flight back.
The flight - fine.
The emptiness of the plane - great.
The amount of time it took to get through the airport/customs on both sides - surprisingly incredibly fast.
The mommies and daddies with the little babies all around who would only talk to each other about their trip and no one else and who were all around us and made up over half the flight and whose little babies screamed on the plane and who at least two of them pooped - my worst fucking nightmare.
It didn't help that I was feeling all hormonal and started to cry. (No one really noticed as I'm always appalled to cry in public and around people and was therefore silent and non obvious (I hope).) But there it is. Everything hit me at once.

Before two of the mommies started comparing notes, the younger mommy (w/ a 3 mth old) was showing off her baby. I failed at being overly impressed.

It was all just TOO MUCH. It was shoved down our throats. It made me want to sit up and scream at her/them 'Do you think I wouldn't like to have my own baby by now how much did yours cost how many died before you got that one and fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou I would have been 34 weeks right now OR around 18 weeks right now and then you would have talked to me you bitches fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou'. But I'm getting myself all upset again and having the nice cry I couldn't yesterday.

I feel like I should be starting my period anytime. I've had cramping off and on the last week, but nothing. There's been spotting after the sexy time, but that's all. And I took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative. I'm due to start Provera on Saturday, so I'll need to call in and get them to renew the prescription tomorrow so I can start them on Saturday after another negative test.

Let me tell you though - that break cycle non-miracle sure had my hopes up for a repeat. They sure did crash down hard after last night's test.

And now I'm off to finish the laundry, my homework and maybe read some.

Some good news: our house is officially listed. Townhouse buyers welcome.

New Stuff

So I've been playing with different free backgrounds I've found online... and I'm so happy with the new one! It's so cute and I've had so much fun playing and picking different colors... I just love it.

So long

so so so so so long since I've updated my blog...

Let's see... what is today? Feb.9. Maybe it hasn't been too long. There's not really much going on.

I have class tonight... that's all going well. I got pretty frustrated with my last class (Saturday) as we basically read out loud everything we were supposed to read at home. I mean, what's the freaking point of that? Felt like a total waste of time. Half a class day on Saturday and then... MEXICO!!! Whoo-hoo! Super excited about that. And that we'll be gone, just the two of us for so long. We don't usually take vacations, just the two of us, so I'm pretty excited about it. Let's see if I can use 'just the two of us' in another sentence in this post, because I seem to be on a roll. I also am scheduled to take the ESL test which will qualify me to teach ESL (although I'm not sure I want to). Amy and I passed the generalist 4-8 exam, so I am now techincally qualified to teach EC-8. Go me.

I have two observations scheduled this week at my mom's school; Wednesday with 1st grade and Friday with 4th. I'm pretty excited about the 4th grade appointment, but also nervous since it'll be the day before V-day and I'm worried that it won't be a 'typical' day. And, I don't know when I'm supposed to be there. So, that's kinda frustrating. The rest of the week includes happy hour Wednesday with Sarah (after observing), homework for Saturday's class that I haven't started, packing for our trip, movie day tomorrow with Amy (to see Bride Wars, He's Just Not That Into You, and Shopaholic - can you say chick-flick-a-palooza?) and I should probably go into my moms class again to see a 'typical day'... I guess on Thursday.

Overall, this week should be pretty busy, which is a nice change. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that what with the construction and classes lately I'm not just sitting here. Today I applied for part-time, no brainer admin/ office assistant jobs. I'm really hoping something comes through. I figure with the classes, observing, IF treatments, etc. it would be great to get something part time to help with the monthly expenses. (especially if (knockonwood) I get something at Memorial Hermann hospitals, who cover IVF in their insurance so we wouldn't have to worry about, oh well anything financially - but we're going to keep this real quiet and not anger the karma gods who don't like it when you talk about things like this shhhhhh) And we got the test results back from the retested proteins s and c - both negative or normal. So that's good. I have to say, I'm looking forward to starting this whole thing up again, unbelievably. We're doing an IUI during the cycle we're doing the hysteroscopy for application into the IVF Shared Risk program. We are hesitating spending so much on IVF since I've gotten pregnant twice without it. So we'll see. I would love to not have to do IVF just because it would take so much financial stress off us. (I just reread that sentence and thought well duh. No one wants to spend that kind of money... retarded-ness personified here.)

I'm also hoping that our house will be listed by the end of the week. I WAS hoping it would be listed earlier, but what are you gonna do? George came in town last week, which was nice. She stayed with us and we worked on painting Amy's bathroom.

So that's about it. Let's see... Just the two of us. There. Done.

NEWS

So I am just finishing my period. Which started exactly one month from the D&C. Which was weird. And we got test results back. The karotyping was normal for both of us. I have to go back in so they can retest for the protein c and s - one was elevated and the other was not able to be run in the lab due to the lab fucking the sample up. Whatever. However, I am positive for the MTHFR gene mutation. After a little bit of research, and another phone call to the clinic and even more research, I now know that I have the heterozygous for A1298C mutation. Which is the least serious form of the mutation possible. All I have to do is take 5 times the normal amount of folic acid to make sure I am getting the right amount. As for the the protein c... well I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. It's a clotting factor, so I hope that the only thing I'd have to do to fix it is take some baby aspirin, if needed. To be honest, I'm tempted to take the baby aspirin anyway, as I don't see as to how it could hurt anything.


In other news, the contractors are here! And they're fixing the house! And it looks good! And it will be done by the end of the week! Whoo-hoo!

And I have a test on Friday - the Generalist 4-8 Texes test that I have to pass if I want to teach grades 4 through 8. Or, 5 through 8 really, because I passed the EC-4 test... but semantics. So I'm supposed to be studying this week for the test on Friday. And I really haven't studied all that much. But I plan on it. I was never much of a good student.

Goodbye 2008; You Mother Fucking Whore. I HATE You

And hello there 2009! How are you doing? Feeling nice and generous? Anything you need, you just let me know. I am HERE for YOU.

So, let's see... 2008 ended with a nice bout of complete and total suckiness. I ended up needing the D&C - yay surgery! I forgot that anesthesia makes me hurl so there was that. (So noted, not to be forgotten again.) But, the bleeding was non existent by that Sunday, thus ending the pad wearing days I had grown accustomed to after 6 weeks of it. The surgery was exactly one week before Christmas.

We went to the clinic Monday to get blood work and after waiting an hour, we were finally able to do that. It makes me laugh when they don't know why you're there. I mean, just look in my chart, people! Dr. M said she wrote a note about how we were coming in for blood work for karyotyping today. No, I'm not having any problems and please PLEASE do not do a scan. I have a feeling my bits are still a bit sensitive. I also hated when Dr. M couldn't do my D&C and Dr. C had to. I don't like him as much and Marc says I act differently around him. He's the one who tried to push us into IVF after the first cycle was cancelled. Pfft. Yeah. We showed him. Anyway, so all my follow ups were with him. So they took the blood. Now the wait for the testing.

I took a pregnancy test after the blood work and appointment, just to see how my HCG levels were. It was negative! I couldn't believe it. (Continued story after the inescapable Xmas recap)

For Christmas, we hosted Chili and Shrimp party and had a lot of fun with my siblings and family. Amy and Ponch were sick, so they didn't stay long. We went over to Aunt Laura's Christmas day and the drove to SA with Cody in tow. We had fun and I think Cody and Matt got along well. We saw Amanda and Chris and found out that they lost their baby as well. Cody and I got sick from allergies to cedar which was pretty brutal. We went back home Sunday.

(ahem) So I was hoping for good things went I went in Dec. 31. And the nicest thing happened (I think it was 2009's influence on the bitch who knew she was going down, 2008). My scan showed a normal uterine lining (shocking!). I had a follicle on my right ovary that was measuring 10.3mm and my uterus was empty!!! And, they did more blood work for the rest of the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) panel, and tested to see what my HCG levels were. See, they couldn't send off the blood work for the RPL panel if the HCG level was positive. So I was hoping that they were 0. And... they were 1.5, which they counted as negative, which means all the blood they took (seriously, like 9 vials) can be sent off and the testing can start. And, that means I'm no longer officially, technically pregnant!!! Dr. C said that waiting for your levels can drop can be like a 6 week process, especially when they're high, like mine (hello - 8,234). So now we wait for test results, which I'm already nervous about, but at least will hopefully (??? should I 'hope' something is wrong without feeling horribly guilty like I want something to have killed our babies?) explain why our babies have not survived. Or not. And I'm just the most unlucky bitch ever. I guess I should say we. But you know. My body. I think I can claim majority of unluckiness.

Needless to say, that was the best thing that had happened in this whole mother fucking mess. And, like I said, I think it was 2009's influence. Rock on with your bad ass self, 2009. I loves you already.

We spent NYE over at Alexifer's playing Halo. It was fun and low key. I wasn't really into celebrating the end of 08, so it seemed an apropos way to end it. Now we just wait for test results. And live life as best we can without trying to get pregnant. I start my classes on the 8th and I'm hoping that will be a good distraction. I also am applying to substitute teach so I can get some experience before actually trying to get a teaching job. We'll see how that goes. :) Its nice to have something distracting to look forward to. And, we have people scheduled to come and fix our house! Whoopee! Which means it'll be back on the market in no time. And this time, we aren't playing around. We're cutting the price and just getting rid of this bitch. And buying a house. A beautiful house. Scary, with me not having a job, but it'll work out because...

I'll get a job. Also, scary, but imperative.

So here's a big fuck off to you 2008. Fuck you for the miscarriage in July, the layoff in August, our house not selling all goddamn summer, Marc's grandparents dying, the hurricane causing damage to our house in September, the second non-viable pregnancy, with following fun ending with a D&C...

And hello, you beautiful thing you. Hello 2009.

Complete and Total FAIL

Apparently, my body wants to stay pregnant. Very badly. See the following:

Monday: Scan. Fetal tissue present. Cytotec (misoprostol) administered. Bleeding ensues.

Tuesday: Scan. Residual tissue remains. Dialated cervix at RE to stimulate things.

Wednesday: Scan. Residual tissue remaims. Dialated cervix at RE in an attempt to pass the tissue in the office. Cytotec administered. 

And... so far nothing. Here's what I'm seeing in my future: 

Thursday: Scan. Residual tissue remains. D&C scheduled and performed. 

THE END OF THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE. 

So, as you can see, I not only fail at sometimes getting pregnant, but completely fail at staying pregnant (hopefully this is not permanent) and now, fail at miscarrying a baby! And I have the honor of being the first patient of Dr. McKenzie's who has ever needed two doses of Cytotec (and possibly only the third or fourth patient in the practice). And, if I need a D&C I will be the first person in the entire practice who has needed two doses of Cytotec and a D&C. 

So I fail. My RE kinda put it off as a good thing and that in the future my body will hang on to a 'good' pregnancy. We'll see about that, as my track record isn't so good. 

Heartbreak Daily

It's been one week since we found out that the baby does not have a heartbeat and is no longer growing.

7 (almost 8) whole days of depression, heartbreak, tears, anxiousness and failure. Of numbness, gut-wrenching sobbing, anger, disbelief and guilt. Of walking around with the knowledge that my baby died. Again. Of pain so great I don't want to and can't really sleep. So great that I can't bear to be around anything that reminds me of babies and pregnancy.

It's been 9 days since we heard from Marc's step sister that they're expecting. She's due two weeks after I would have been. I had a dream about seeing her last night and how I tried to get out of it and everybody thought that I was being selfish and rude because I wasn't happy for her. But I just couldn't. It just hurt so bad.

In one week I have another doctor's appointment to check on the progress of things. The bleeding has slowed a lot the last couple of days. If I don't know better I would be ecstatic. But I do know better and it feels like the universe is just laughing at me. Because all I want now is for this to be over. I don't want a dead baby in my uterus anymore. I walk around thinking about the dead baby in my body. What's going to happen? Will I have to have a D&C? I'm tired of recognizing the few pregnancy symptoms I'm still feeling and being reminded that, once again, my body has failed to be able to carry, sustain and grow life. Once again, I have failed at the basic function that makes me a woman.

I see pregnant people and babies daily. I cry daily. I try my hardest to ignore that area of my life. I do my best not to think of the mess my life and body is in. I spend my days doing everything I can from being bored and thinking of this thing that has become my life. This pain that is my life.

Marc and I were talking the other day about how 2008 was not a good year for us. Marc's grandparents died. I got laid off. Our house was listed for 6 months with no offers and few showings. We spent thousands on fertility treatments. And we have two dead babies. I hope I miscarry before the end of the year. Somehow I don't think my doctors will let it last that long, but I suppose you never know.

I told Marc that the next pregnancy, I do not want to be told to 'be positive'. I don't want to hear anything about how I should be excited. I don't want to be admonished for being practical, even if that practicality is negative. I don't want anyone telling me how I should or should not feel when the time comes, because I don't want to hear it. I'll decide how I feel, since obviously, being happy and positive has done nothing for me thus far. I'll feel what I want when I want, because I already know that there is nothing more scary than being pregnant.

I'll take a little bit of good right about now...

I called the RE yesterday after all the bleeding that went on this weekend. I wasn't trying to get seen early, I just wanted to know if they were expecting the bleeding to slow down at all (since it had gotten worse) and if I were to miscarry, if there would want the tissue to do any genetic testing on. I want to make sure that if I did miscarry, that it wouldn't be either me or Marc's genetic faults. Or the combination of the two. I know its rare, but it does happen. Well, she wanted me to come in and be looked at, which I was. And everything looked fine. The baby is still there, and they don't see a source of the bleeding. The baby is also growing, so that is also good. I was really hoping to see a heartbeat at this u/s, but we didn't. We scheduled a scan for next Monday and if we don't see a heartbeat then, she's going to call it as an unviable pregnancy. My dates also changed. According to everything I've looked at and entered into the internet, I am, today, 6w3d. Last Wednesday when I went in, she told me I was 5w5d. Yesterday (Monday) I was 6w4d, according to the RE. WTF? That doesn't make any sense. I can't just be more days pregnant than I am. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. But, I'm not the expert, so whatevs. And if it means the baby is measuring ahead, well, I don't think that's anything to complain about. And I've come to a conclusion about the bleeding. I'm not going to worry about it. It's gross. It smells gross. But there's nothing I can do. And apparently I'm just one of those unlucky 15% who bleed while pregnant. At least this time around. So that's what I think about that. And, to top it off, I woke up this morning with no blood. How the hell that happened, I don't know, but I'm taking only good things from it. And I'm not stupid enough to believe that this means its all over, but for now, I'm happy. Baby steps.

First Ultrasound and more

So my first ultrasound was Wednesday. Still bleeding. One beautiful egg sac there. In the right spot. Not ectopic. Not molar. I know this baby is strong and a fighter. But dear god I think I'm just losing it. All day Wednesday I was so happy. Exuberant. Dr. McKenzie said that 15% of pregnancies bleed and that it doesn't have to be a problem. The ultrasound didn't show any bleeding around the sac, which was the important part. As long as the bleeding doesn't affect the baby and it wasn't. Wednesday was the best day. We got to see our baby. It just made it so much more real. Not like last time when I miscarried without ever getting to see it. I made it to exactly six weeks last time. Tomorrow I'll be six weeks.

Today I can barely keep from crying. All right, I guess I should say I can't stop crying. Woke up to that feeling. The feeling of a warm sticky fluid between my legs. Which means that its getting worse. It hasn't before crossed that barrier while I'm horizontal. I'm expecting a lot of blood today. And I'm freaking out. I know my baby is strong, I just hope its strong enough. And I know I can't DO anything. It's just a waiting game from here on out. But how much longer can I bleed? Why is my body betraying me this way? Where is all this blood coming from anyway? Why won't it stop? How much longer can it go on without hurting my baby? I'm just so scared. So, so scared. I want it so badly.

And, worst of all, Marc's scared. He's really freaking out, too. And there's nothing I can do but keep him updated. At least he doesn't have to see and smell all the blood. But I know he's preparing himself for the worst. And it breaks my heart that I can't do this the right way for him. For our miracle, break cycle baby.

All I can do is be hopeful, as much as that may break my heart later. And pray that the bleeding stops. And pray that this baby makes it. And that his heart starts beating. Come on baby, I have faith in you.

Camping!

This weekend was the annual "family" camping trip. This year it happened to be at Buescher State Park. It was a lot of fun and got very cold Saturday night - low of 32. We froze our patooties off!

But, I suppose the bigger news is that I'm supposedly pregnant. I don't really believe that I am or that it will last. But I havev a blood test proving me otherwise, at least for today. I go in for a scan on Wednesday to see what we see. It was a break cycle for us, as we were gearing up for IVF #1 to start. I took a HPT Friday morning so I could get a prescription of Provera and get the IVF show on the road. I was shocked to see that it was positive and convinced that it was a false positive. I called in to the RE's and was able to get in for a blood test, which confirmed the HPT. My beta was 8,234. A huge, huge number. Gi-normous. Made me feel really good. Except that I'm still spotting. And its red spotting. And that sometimes I see it in my underwear. Actually, I've been seeing it in my underwear for about 4 days now. And always when I wipe. It started off being dark brown, but it turned to red. And its been happening for over a week. And today I have some mild cramping/back pain to go along with it. Let's see... now why would that make me nervous? Oh yeah:

Symptoms of a miscarriage include:
- Vaginal bleeding that may be light or heavy, constant or irregular. Although
bleeding is often the first sign of a miscarriage, first-trimester bleeding may also occur with a normal pregnancy. But bleeding with pain is a sign that miscarriage is more likely.
- Pain. You may have pelvic cramps, abdominal pain, or a persistent, dull ache in your lower back. Pain may start a few hours to several days after bleeding has begun.

Thank you SO much WebMD. That helps tremendously.

It's really hard to believe that there's anything good going on. I find myself getting hopeful. Fuck, I know I have hope for this pregnancy, but I just can't push away the doubts. And it scares me beyond anything else. Because why would this happen? Why would I be able to conceive without any medicine when I couldn't conceive, much less ovualte on medicine before? It just seems cruel to let me get pregnant again and then take it away from me. And I can't help but think that's going to happen. I mean, how else do I prepare myself for the possibility of losing another one?

But what I must repeat as my mantra: TODAY I am pregnant. I must believe that I will carry a healthy baby to term. I must believe that miracles do happen and that I have seen one in my own life.

Oh Happy Day!

I am so excited. We have a new president, President Obama. I am so relieved, excited and cannot wait for him to take office.

My New Favorite Acronym

So there are a lot of things I hate about IF. Part of those things are the acronyms associated with bodily functions. Especially AF. Aunt Flo. It's weird and I hate it. But today I was reading a blog. And my period will now be referred to as FP or MFP. As in Fucking Period or My Fucking Period. Sounds so much better. I don't need something that requires sticking cotton wads up in my junk to be named after a relative. My Fucking Period sounds a lot more like what it really is.

So. My impending IVF. I'm so excited for it to start. This is my proposed, please-god-please-let-this-happen plan. That only myself really knows about. Well, kinda the RE's office, but probably not as specifically. And I don't really know everything that will happen, I just have timing guesses. So I start Provera. I get MFP. I have the hysteroscopy. It's clear and I re-apply for Shared Risk. It's approved. I start BCP and stay on them for 21 days. During those 21 days I do all the classes and whatever I need to do to get ready for the actual IVF. Then I start stimming, etc, etc (other meds and stuff I'm not super clear on except that I'll have to do PIO shots which freak the bajeebies out of me)... egg retrieval, lots and lots of good eggs, high fertilization percentage, great embryos, transfer beautiful, high grade embryos (with leftovers to freeze) and then STAY pregnant! With super high beta numbers! So there's no worry! Seems easy to me!

SICK of being sick

I made it back from Wisconsin without getting sick. One day in Houston and BAM! sore throat, stuffy nose, coughing - just MUCUS everywhere. I can't breathe. It hit me in a day and I felt horrible. I'm on the mend, but still coughing and gagging and all stopped up. I guess its a good thing we aren't on a cycle right now or else I wouldn't be able to take anything and I don't know what I'd do. Probably die.

Marc's out of town so here I sit blogging with candles lit, my kitties near me and Monday Night Football on. What the hell is wrong with me? Watching football when it's two teams I don't care about and Marc's not here.

Today I was accepted into the ACT alternative certification program. Yay! Classes start in January and until then I have my book and can read ahead if I want. I'm already signed up to take the TExES Content exam next week. The program people say that if I pass that I can get a probationary certificate and start teaching before classes even start! How cool would that be? I'm also planning on getting ESL certified. I need something to give me an edge against all those fresh out of college bitches. And here in Texas, ESL certified teachers are high in demand.

I'm also a leetle bit excited because today is cycle day 17. Which is pretty much halfway to day 35. Which is when I can start the Provera and get this cycle going! I'm so nervous and apprehensive about moving to IVF. All the new meds, the new procedures with IV's, all the hope and heart that will be going into this cycle. And the money! To say the least!

This weekend we hung out with our good friends who we haven't seen in a while. Our best friends were there with their 2 year old. He is just the most adorable thing ever. And I was his favorite that night. I know it was just for that night and babies are finicky, but it just made me feel so good. Especially on the same night when I had people looking at me with question marks in their eyes when I pulled out the Jack Daniels and fixed myself a drink. And when Marc's coworker texted that she had just had her baby.

I've been feeling pretty emotional lately and had myself a good cry the other day after listening to my IF theme song So Hard by The Dixie Chicks.

It felt like a given
Something a woman is born to do
A natural ambition
See a reflection of me and you
And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it

The lyrics that apply to IF and the words that I feel so closely. The words that I mean to say to Marc every cycle but can't. But still feel. How do others cope with the guilt?

And since the mood of this post has turned pretty somber, I'm going to end it. No point in bringing my make believe readers down.

Long time coming

I've been busy. Very busy. Vacationing and all tends to bring out the busy-ness. Even for the unemployed.

So the last IUI did not work, which should be no surprise to anyone. I started my period VERY early this time. Two weeks from my IUI would have been Wednesday, Oct 15. I was scheduled for my beta on the 14th. I started spotting Friday the 10th and had full blown AF by Saturday. And, to this day, I'm still spotting. Oh, yes. It was heavy and clot-ty. My theory that my uterus was contracting still holds. I was sore the entire rest of the week and have banned myself and Marc to pelvic rest to make sure this doesn't happen again. My paranoia is also up after this. Like I was meant to get pg with that IUI but for some reason my body said no. Bastard uterus. I don't really feel like there's an alternative explanation.

I went in on Monday to see if I could get another IUI in, even with my vacation from the 15th to the 20th. They would have let me, but lo and behold I had cysts. So, I'm now on a break cycle. Whoo-hoo. The next day I went in and spoke to Dr. McKenzie about IVF. Marc did not go with me (which resulted in a huge fight that evening) but we have decided to move forward with it. It will be EXPENSIVE. We applied for Shared Risk, but was told that we need another test before we are approved or not. So, as soon as I get my period, I'm going to call early and request a hysteroscopy, which will basically take a look around my ute and make sure there are no cysts or fibroids there. If there are, I will have to undergo surgery to have them removed. If its clear, which I'm praying it will be, we re-apply and wait to hear back from IntegraMed to see if we're approved. Then starts the fun stuff...

I'm quite ready to get this show on the road. I hope and figure that I'll have the ER and ET in between Christmas and New Years. We'll see what happens.

So, as I mentioned before, we also just got back from vacation! We went to Door County Wisconsin to a sweet B&B in Sister Bay for a while. It was awesome. We happened to be there during the Fall (Down Drunk) Fest, so there was plenty to do. We got to see a lighthouse, go to a vineyard and overall, just relax. We also got to do lots of shopping! It was a blast. Since our return Monday, I've been doing laundry and stocking up on groceries.

Today is also me and Marc's 3rd Anniversary. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have found my husband, who is the best person I know. I cannot wait to start a family with him and to grow and love him for many years to come. I love you, baby. Thank you for the past three wonderful years, for standing by my side and being there for me when I needed you, when I wanted you and even when I took advantage of you and behaved like a spoiled brat. Thank you for overlooking my flaws and loving me with them. Thank you for understanding me.

IUI, Pain and Hospital, Oh My!

So I had my IUI last Wednesday. It was pretty uneventful, except for some pretty bad cramping right after that lasted throughout the day. When I woke up the next day the cramps were mostly gone. Except for a weird feeling in the pelvic area and random strange twinges. But no big deal, right? Until last night when Marc and I had sexy time. As soon as I came, I had immediate, intense, searing, pains. I don't even know what they were. Just horrible, horrible pain that spanned from ovary to ovary, from above my belly button all the way down. It came in waves and was so bad I would cry. It was seriously like nothing I've ever experienced. Marc freaked. We ended up in the Emergency Room after a phone call into the nurse at HIVF, who was no help. After two and a half hours the pain finally stopped coming as frequently and the waves stopped. They tried to get blood from me at the hospital, but missed, and then left it for later. Fortunately, I was able to escape the blood work as I was ordered to go to get an ultrasound. They didn't find anything that would explain the pain, and all they offered was pain medicine. Considering the pain was better, I denied the meds. I am holding out hope that whatever happened to me has no effect on the IUI. I am hoping and praying. Fervently. I still have no explanation as to what happened to me or why. I still have pain and am moving slowly, but it is nowhere near where it was. I can live with this. I've confined myself to my bed and am hoping that the pain I'm feeling now is just residual muscle ache from all the pain from last night and that staying in bed will help keep things in place.

On top of all that, I feel like the world is against me getting pregnant. This time I took the Sudafed and Claritin while taking Gonal, which possibly wasted some of the effectiveness of the Gonal. Then, I develop a bad eye infection. I had to go on eye antibiotics. And my allergies are going crazy (which led to the eye infection). And I can't take anything. Now this. The last IUI ended in miscarriage, after a staph infection on the outer lip of my vagina immediately following the IUI. And, when I tested negative for that IUI, I took allergy medicine, when really, I was pregnant. A big no-no.

I seriously can't help but wonder what could be next. Either way this IUI goes, I don't think it will be a positive outcome. And I hate being negative. But after all of this...

I am so very stupid

I took Sudafed and Claritin this morning. My allergies are really bad from all the water damage in the house and I couldn't sleep and my eye was hurting SO bad. Well, I feel better now, but am kicking my own ass. I called the RE AFTER taking the meds to find out that no, I am not supposed to take any of those meds while taking Gonal because the medicine in decongestants interfere with the Gonal. So that basically means I flushed $$ down the toilet. That basically means I could have totally ruined this cycle. And now, I am concerned that the Sudafed I took right before finding out I was pregnant could have caused the miscarriage. I took a test and it was negative before I took the meds, but who knows?

I'm upset because I just feel so stupid. Even Marc knew better than this. I am intelligence personified.

Where to Start?

So it's been a month since I've last blogged. Wow. So much has happened. I got laid off August 27. Yeah. I had a feeling about it, but was hoping I'd survive. Nope. Unfortunately not.

The good thing is that it now gives me the opportunity to try something else. More specifically, teaching. I'm going to get an alternative teaching certification so I can become a kindergarten teacher. I figure that the scheduling and vacation teachers get are perfect for raising a baby. I thought about it and realized that as much as I loved aspects of my job, I wasn't willing to give up hours of time with our child and having the same schedule they/he/she/it would would allow me to be home when they get home and be more involved with their life. If I hate it, I have something else to fall back on, so it's pretty cool. I wouldn't make a ton of money but I'd have great hours.

The contract on the house is up, so the house is no longer on the market. And me not having a job means that its going to stay that way. Which sucks. But I figure we can sit on it for another year or so. :( I'm working on getting a job as a teacher's aide while getting certified, but that pays less than half of what I used to make. At least it would be SOMETHING until I got a teaching job, but.... no house, yard, etc really sucks. I really wanted to settle into a house. Be able to paint and decorate a baby's room, knowing that we'd be staying and not have to worry about having to sell the house.

Also, Ike. Yes, I live in Houston and got to experience all the joys that a hurricane brings. Downed trees, no power, horrible traffic. Fun. Water damage to the house... which thankfully is no longer for sale. We're still waiting for an insurance adjuster to come out and asses the damage. We're hoping they'll have someone they recommend to fix it all. We're estimating ~$30,000 worth of damage.

And, I started Provera, started my period, was cleared of any pre-med cysts and am now on CD 6. I have done 3 nights of 75iu of Gonal only to find that my estrogen today was 44. Oh yeah. Major growth happening there. Not. So I'm now on 150iu nightly. I just ordered $500 worth of meds. Yea! We got a free 450iu pen, which, it turns out is a huge blessing. I hope my body starts responding the way its supposed to to this medicine. Clomid didn't do much, but at least that was only $10. And the Clomid/injectible cycle was $500 less at the clinic. So yeah. Totally hoping the 150iu really works.

I guess that's about all there is. I'm trying to stay busy and not bored, and also trying not to spend money. Not fun.

Happy Birthday!

Yay for birthdays! It is my 27th. Hip-hip-hooray!

Since the Miscarriage

I came across a post on the Nest - Pregnancy Loss board yesterday. Flame-proof Confessions. I thought of a confession and decided to post. I though of several confessions. I haven't actually taken the time to sort out my feelings since the miscarriage and will expound on the already long confessions I made on the board. I'm glad I had the opportunity to think of these things and share them, because I hadn't quite identified them and think its a healthy step in healing. And it actually made me think of how much this affected me. I'm good at blocking things, and this is definitely one of those things.

Confession #1
- I refuse to go to a friends' baby shower in a couple of weeks because I am avoiding pg people, babies and baby things. I don't feel bad about it either. And there's no way in hell I'm going to a Babies R Us right now. This is her second baby in two years. First of all, she shouldn't have a shower, IMO. Secondly, the invite shouldn't ask for gifts. Tacky. And, to be perfectly, 100% honest, I'm kinda bothered that Marc is going. I would never tell him that, but I am.

Confession #2
- I am shopping a LOT. Retail therapy, right? Stupid because we are TTTC and OOP and injections cost a lot. Feel guilty about that, yet bought a pair of shoes yesterday at lunch. Bought stuff on sale at Ulta today. I've recently bought things at Chico's, Soma, the Gap, Marshall's, TJ Maxx, Ulta (times 3), and eBay. I bought three bags off of eBay. Marc is gonna shit. And I know there's more that I can't even think of right now. And it's my birthday tomorrow and I know I'll be getting presents and yet I still go out and spend all this money. Stoo-pid

Confession #3
- I'm glad I can drink soda again. I really missed it when I was, for an oh-so-short time pregnant. Now I relish every soda I can get. And now I have a chance to lose some weight before getting pg. I'm really just trying to eat better, and less. I hope it starts making a difference. (Because it hasn't YET - dammit I want instantaneous results!)

Confession #4
- I kinda knew when I got pg that the pg wasn't going to happen - it felt unreal and I just knew the timing was off and it wasn't going to happen this time. I feel totally guilty about that, even though I know the m/c wasn't my fault. *

Confession #5
- I hate pg people who are so happy about their pregnancies and just assuming everything will just come up roses for them. I just feel like they think they're so special. And they are. And I'm not. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't know everyone's journey. I just want to yell at them that not everybody has it so easy in getting and staying pg. Bitches.

So there we go. Issues I'm dealing with. Ugh...

*And I swear I'm physic or something. I just knew about the pregnancy. The timing just didn't feel right. And I kept waiting for something bad to happen. And sure, most people will say that's normal pregnancy paranoia, and maybe it was but I've had other things happen too. Last week I wrote my friend a letter. I suddenly had a very strong urge to write him. I just knew I had to, for whatever reason. He wrote me back saying that that very day he was involved in a life-threatening incident. And all my life I've always known that I would meet the man I would marry when I was 22, get married when I was 24 and have a baby when I was 28. And, so far, that's been accurate. And when I was in Moscow a guy asked to read me and asked me if there were psychics in my family because for whatever reason I was blocking him and that usually meant I had some physic-ness in me. He told my friend she would have a difficult pregnancy, but would end up with two boys. She got pregnant in Moscow, had a difficult pregnancy, and has a little boy. Anyway, you can think I'm crazy or not, but I've always had strong instincts and feelings about things. So I believe it.

Beta #7 Today

What a great way to start the day. Hopefully the number will be 0. I really think it will be. I don't feel pregnant at all and am actually starting to get some energy back. I stay up later but am having trouble falling asleep - my brain won't shut up. My sleep schedule is all out of whack. But I more or less feel like I've gotten over being somewhat sick. It's amazing because I haven't really felt this way in a long time what with all the meds and shit I've been on. Going back to all of that is going to be difficult. I don't think most people know how hard all of this is on your body, physically and mentally - I sure underestimated it (and I haven't even had IVF, which is just so much MORE).

And just as a side rant - they should really put the type of blood work you're getting done on the paperwork. I don't need someone to be excited for me because I'm getting an HCG test. I know I'm not pregnant. I've already miscarried. Thanks anyway.

As it turned out I had to come in to work yesterday. TS Edouard was a dud. We got some rain, but the sun actually came out for a little bit yesterday afternoon. Sorry, but tropical storms are supposed to bring more than that. I've been in a horrible mood since. I don't know why (well, I know why I was in a horrible mood yesterday - having to come in and all, while Marc stayed home (butI have to give him credit - he knew how I was feeling and made me dinner and did the dishes and let me watch all my reality TV without complaint and I was still bitchy. But I stopped and got him ice cream on the way home to try and make up for it)) but I really have no reason for it today, yet here I am resentful and bitter and just downright cranky (and I keep having these weird dreams where things in my life are just horrible and things aren't happening right and there's just this sense of frustration and unfairness - gee - that's hard to figure out - but it leaves me feeling the residuals of it when I wake up and feel miserable and angry).

I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be talked to. I just want to sleep and watch TV and read my book (which is really good). I don't want to be at work, yet I can't take off. I seriously cannot wait for the October vacation. And yet, if I'm not pregnant then, I'll be so depressed. I would have been 17 weeks then. And it's weird because I can't even really imagine being pregnant now. And I can't imagine being pregnant without being seriously freaked and worried. How do you enjoy a pregnancy? How do you not worry that something is going to happen? I don't know that I can be happy again looking at a positive pregnancy test. Knowing that actually having a positive test is just the tiny-est first step and that so much can go horribly wrong. That the 2ww is nothing compared to waiting for beta numbers, especially when they aren't "normal".

I just don't know how to do all of this again.

A Post About Nothing

Well, I guess not nothing... TS Edouard is heading straight for Houston, which means we should be able to work from home tomorrow. Marc is all set for it. I'm getting set for it (hopefully). Work is slow. And I almost fucked something up. I swear to god... Thank god Jeff checked in on me. How embarassing though.

Insurance and IF

More companies should be like these. Click to follow the link to conceive online's 2008 top 50 companies with If and adoption benefits.

http://www.conceiveonline.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=202&Itemid=147

Barely Pregnant

So my last beta (July 29) was 11. Which means I'm almost done. Thank god. I couldn't be happier that this happened naturally and is almost over. I'm still sad about everything, but at least there's not any lingering worries and we can move on.

Yucky

Is how I feel. I have the cramps. I guess it's safe to say that I have officially started the miscarriage process of the Developmentally Challenged Embryo. Yay! Because, if that is indeed true, then I do not have an ectopic! Yay! And that means I can go back to injecting things into my stomach sooner! Ya - oh wait... No, but it does mean we can start trying again sooner. Like in a month. And I can use that month to take a break from all the treatments and go out and have a drink, already. Sheesh. But a break from all the doctor's appointments, blood draws and meds will be nice (or so I'm telling myself). I just hope everything leaves on its own, without any lingering pieces of tissue. I"m waiting until things get really rowdy and out of control and then I'm going home. This weekend it started, but wasn't a gushing rush of things. More like heavy spotting. So I have to be careful and pick the good day to stay home carefully, cuz its not like I get all sorts of vacation.

In other news, I fianlly made it out to the new outlet mall outside Houston. I have to say, I was pretty disappointed. I thought they would have a lot more. San Marcos is definitely the outlet mall to visit, which I will plan on next. I'm thinking it wouldn't be too hard to drag Sarah out there with me and, maybe if we wanted, we could stay at George and Bob's.

However, they did have a makeup store. Oh yes. And that is where I spent my money. Mwah-hahaha... It was a Clinique/Estee Lauder/Bobbi Brown/MAC store. So I got some goodies. Oh yes. I decided I was going to remain optimistic and not buy clothes, but also avoided any baby/kid stores. So I bought makeup and the Clinique skincare regimen I had my eye on. I was sorely temoted in the Kate Spade store, but not so much at the Coach store, which was a freaking mad house.

And now, because I can't hink of anything else. My God. Dear God. The cramping is so much worse now. It's so bad. It hurts so bad. I just can't wait for this to be over.

And I totally forgot to mention that my beta on Friday, the 25th was 73. So it definitely went down which is also promising towards a natural m/c.

UPDATE

So my number was only 93. Not good. They said there is no way the pregnancy is viable and that my numbers were "inappropriately* rising". I go back Friday to see if my numbers start dropping on their own. I hope to miscarry naturally, so we can get back into the TTC swing of things in no time. The nurses said we would only have to wait a month. Now I'm just waiting to miscarry. I don't know if or when I'll find out if its ectopic. So I'm still a ticking time bomb in that sense, in another, that I could miscarry anytime, anywhere. Everything I read said that I would have spotting, but so far that hasn't happened. We'll see. I'm hoping its just like a heavy period.

I've had a sick sense of humor about this, which I think that being able to laugh, or find something to amuse myself with about this situation has kept me from being really depressed.

So here is a list of Things I Have Recently Found Inappropriately* Funny:

1. I laughed when I realized that if I started to miscarry I would bleed all over myself because I didn't have any necessary "supplies". You can't wear a tampon, after all.

2. I don't know what to call the thing in me, so I tried to come up with names for it. Dead Baby wasn't right. I couldn't keep calling it "Zoe the Zygote". Dead Zygote didn't have the right ring to it. Developmentally Challenged Embryo is where I settled eventually. This was as we were going to bed the other night.

3. Yes, I dragged my unwitting, sweetheart husband in on that conversation. He did not find it so humorous.

4. I also am not quite satisfied with the term Developmentally Challenged Embryo because it doesn't have the word "Dead" in it. Is that funny? Or just really sick?

5. Is it appropriate* to still call the next pregnancy "Zoe the Zygote" or would we be jinxing it? What do we call it then? Is it inappropriate* if we call it the same thing?

6. The phrase "inappropriately* rising" in reference to my beta numbers. It's just funny to me! Why that phrase? Why did it stick with me? I don't know, but I get a chuckle out of it.

*I just have to use it a lot. It's funny. The word just will not leave my mind. It is stuck like glue, unlike my Developmentally Challenged Embryo.** (HA!***)

**Also, I spelt the words appropriate and inappropriate correctly every time I used it in this post. Hooray for me! No Developmentally Challenged Embryo sucking my brain cells!

*** I made another funny! I guess that should technically be number 7, but whatever.

Beta #4 Today

I'm waiting on my phone call. I don't really know how to feel. I'm kinda numb. It's weird, because I have all these pregnancy "symptoms", yet the knowledge that this could turn out to be something terrible casts this horrible shadow over everything. I can't really be excited. I'm not really expecting any kind of answer today. I know that I'll most likely go in next Monday for a scan. I just don't know how to be. Positive, at the risk of yet another crushing number? Negative, so I'm expecting it, but possibly making my own fear come to life? I still have hope. Barely. I didn't realize how much I didn't have until yesterday when I was telling J about it.

And I already know I'm going to miss this feeling. Knowing that there is life inside me. Waking up every morning and feeling pregnant. All the symptoms throughout the day that go along with a pregnancy. Knowing that I'll get to have a baby of my own within 9 months.

Today

Today is hard already. I'm already feeling weepy and I don't know why. Well, I know why, it just feels so random.

So I've decided that I'm either living in an action movie, a fairy tale or a depressing, sad documentary. I've either got a ticking time bomb; a slow starting, but healthy baby or well... that outcome is just too much for me right now and doesn't help to keep the tears away. Damn these pregnancy hormones that only seem to be able to make me cry. Where's the upswing?

I'm officially 5w0d today.

Tomorrow is another beta. And next Monday, is the scan, unless something happens before that. Like my fallopian tube exploding.

I would guess that if my beta is plateaued or falling, a scan would be unnecessary. I really hope not. I'm still hoping for the best.

And I can't help but thinking - wouldn't this be an interesting pregnancy story, were it all to turn out ok.

Distraught

This is hell. My third beta: 72. It only went up by 45% and didn't come close to doubling. But, it went up. I have a fourth beta scheduled for Tuesday. They told me they think its ectopic, but would have to wait until I was 6 weeks so they could do a scan to confirm either way. I swear this has been the best and worst week all at once. I will be 6 weeks on the 28th. I hope I won't need surgery, if it is ectopic. If it is, it will put us off trying for several months.

I really, really want to hold out for hope here, but it's really hard.

To summarize: ten days of limbo hell and a shot in the dark I'll see a sac in my uterus. I'll be praying for a heartbeat.

Beta #3 today

And I'm feeling pretty confident. I know the Zoe the Zygote is going to kick it's ass and be all like beta whaa? Please bitch. I own you. Oh yeah. I'm carrying driven, determined baby now. Oh yeah.

And I have to say, I found support most on The Nest SAIF board. Specifically this, from a fellow Nestie from her doctor when she was upset about a low beta (15):

"And he pointed something out to me that I won't forget, he said, " Deanna, you
are pregnant. Your beta proves that you are pregnant because it is over 5 and I
consider that pregnant. You have to stop and think how many people do not see
RE's and do not have their beta #'s. They have no clue if their beta's are 15 or
150 at their first pregnancy test but yet they are still excited and happy when
that plus sign pops up. So try to look at it from that perspective and don't put
so much on a number. ""

That little piece of wisdom has helped me immensely; many many thanks to Deanna, who shared that with me. And so I'm confident and excited and pregnant. And I love it.

Trying really hard to feel good about things

I'm a mess right now. My beta is 49.7. So it went up 60%, but didn't double. So I have to go back in for another one on Friday.

Please, please, please, please, please let Friday's number be high. I'm trying really hard to be positive. Really hard.

I need to chill...

I am so freaked out. Today was the second beta. I'm waiting on my phone call to tell me what the number is. I am so freaked out. On one hand, it feels so real that I can't believe it could be taken away so quickly. On the other, it feels so unreal that I kinda ask myself - would it really be that surprising? I'm totally on edge. Marc didn't go with me today, and there was someone other than CJ who drew my blood. Needless to say, it worried me. I'm just so freaked. I feel so attached to it and the idea and the future and everything, that I don't know what I'd do if it turned out not to be real. I don't feel like I really fit in on either board over on the Nest and can't talk about it to anyone because no one knows.

I swear this is worse than the 2ww. I just need to relax. What happened to the calm, serene Lawren of the 2ww? lol she disappeared the minute I found out I was pregnant and heard the number. I cherish every symptom, the sore boobs and slight cramping in my back and stomach. I've peed on all the sticks I have at home, hoping to see them turn right away. I bought more on my way to work. I NEED this number to come back high. Please, God. I'm so ready for this.

Knock me over with a feather

Really. Well, not in a literal sense, in light of more recent news. News that says I'm pregnant.

Cue jaw dropping. Cue the shock and surprise. Cue the crying in a very public Schlotzsky's because our house is being shown.

Now for the worrisome news. My beta was only 30. They like to see 50 or higher. I'd kill to see higher. Like in the thousands, please. So I go back Wednesday. Good God.

I'm fr-eeeeeeeeeakkk-ing.

Beta #1 this Morning

So this morning was the blood draw to see if I dun got knocked up. I haven't started my period yet. Weird. I have slight cramps that feel like I'm going to any minute. I'll probably start even before I get the phone call.

I tested on Saturday night with a dollar test so I could see if I could take Sudafed (if it was negative) - oh the allergies, they are here.

I took the damn Sudafed and felt much better. But I took it. Dammit. Damn it all to hell.

George and Bob stayed the night with us last night as a stop-gap on their way home. They bought a fancy new car in Florida (they saved $$ that paid for the airfare out there and Bob got to fish) and drove it back this weekend. It was nice to have them... we went to dinner with Amy and the Pomadchin's and generally hung out and had a relaxing visit.

I also slept like a teenager this weekend... I went to bed Friday and 11 and slept till 10 and then Saturday went to bed at 10 and slept till 9! Man, I was tired! I had a difficult time falling asleep last night, but slept fine.

So back to this morning. I had my blood drawn. And while the tech (CJ - the best) was drawing it she prayed over me. I'm not an especially religious person. I grew up going to church, but don't go now and generally disagree with the concept of 'religion'. And, to be completely honest, I was pretty surprised and didn't quite know how to feel about it. But, she prayed over me, and it meant so much. I see her probably more than I'd like, but she is still a relative stranger. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me through this process. After she was done, she gave me a hug and wished me good luck. There should be more people in the world like that.

Vacation Plans Made!

I am so excited! There's nothing quite like booking airline reservations for a vacation. I love having something to look forward to. We are going to Door county in northern Wisconsin in mid October for SIX days - a nice long vacation! Marc's mom, George, booked an entire B&B up there and invited us to come and stay. Marc's step-sister and her husband (both who I love) are going as well. I'm so excited about it. I hope to be pregnant by then and hope to do nothing but lay around, see the town we'll be in and relax... I found a website and it all looks so cute! They have orchard maps, lighthouses everywhere and since its on a pennisula, there is a lot of water to see... Yay!

8dpiui/o

I'm thinking of not testing this time around. I'll just wait until my period doesn't show up or I get a blood test (next Monday). Of course, I am so totally knocked up right now. Oh yeah. Just waiting on the morning sickness to kick in. I can feel it wanting to start.

As you can probably tell, we're being really optimistic this round. We've named the baby Zoe the Zygote. We're seriously looking at middle names. ('O' names for a girl are super difficult, I might add.) So our hopes are pretty far up there, even though this is completely against my nature. I am normally very cautious and am very careful about what I say. So this is weird for me.

It is nice not to be completely worried and freaked about whats going to happen. I feel much calmer this 2ww knowing that what will happen, will happen and there's not much I can do about it all. I'm not stressed about taking a HPT or anything. I'm trying not to over analyze everything I'm feeling, as a possible positive or negative sign of pregnancy.

TMI

So I had my IUI on Monday. Monday night I had extreme pain down there. I went to the doctor yesterday and found out I have (see title before reading further - you've been warned) a badly infected hair follicle. Oh yes. One might call what I have a boil (but that sounds gross, so we'll just say 'an infection' mmmk?) down there. So infected in fact, my lymph nodes are screaming and it hurts to do anything resembling walking and sitting. Being horizontal is nice though. I am on antibiotics and a hot compress routine (which is pretty difficult thing to do at work). I need to buy some yogurt to fight off any other down there problems that may arise from the antibiotics.

So won't this be a funny pregnancy story? I am being fully optimistic at this point. I am pregnant, or will shortly be. The zygote is traveling out of the fallopian tube to make a nice home on my lovely triple-patterned uterine lining.

We are on our way to SA this weekend (tomorrow, in fact) which means I'll need to do some packing and cleaning and laundry tonight. Fun! I'm not sure if I can go swimming what with the infection and the recent procedure as I call it to my boss who doesn't really know whats going on with me.

I also realize I've been gaining weight at an astounding rate. And I want a cookie cake. So there's that. I'm not so slowly outgrowing my pants. All my 'big' work pants are now my regular pants. It's mighty uncomforatble. I need to chill with the eating of whatever I want.