Merry Xmas!!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

We had some immediate family over for Christmas Eve Chili and Shrimp (a tradition) and it was a really nice excuse to get the house cleaned up somewhat. It really gave us an idea of what it will feel like once everything is done and we can move in all the way.

We had a great Christmas day; my step-sister-in-law had her baby on Christmas Eve (which I totally called... she was due on the 19th and wanted her to come earlier to hopefully not have her birthday so close to Christmas... and I said, well, she'll probably be born on Christmas Eve - ha! I love being right...).

We spent time with my family and had a great lunch and got lots of baby stuff. Our family normally does a white elephant gift exchange, but since both my little sister and I are pregnant, everyone chipped in and gave up their own gifts to give us baby gifts - it was a total shock. It was like my little sister and I had a surprise, joint baby shower on Christmas day! I couldn't believe the generosity of everyone to forfeit receiving anything so we could get baby stuff. And we got some good stuff too... a ton of clothes and the swing, a diaper genie, a play mat, and diapers, among other things. All very badly needed items.

We are also getting closer to the baby shower - it feels a lot closer as opposed to some far off thing that will happen in the future. It's now just a little over a month away! And, as much as I hate attention focused on me, I'm getting excited about it and just hope people come. I'm editing the registry and trying to make sure I have everything I need; we seem to be in good shape, thanks to very generous friends of ours who have a three year old and want to give us, well, everything. They don't plan on having more children and so far plan on giving us a full bedroom set (crib, dresser and changing table) play-yard, two convertible car seats and an infant car seat, toys, clothes, sheets, blankets, towels, a single stroller, a baby carrier, a Medela breast pump, bottles, cups, silverware... basically, just about everything we could possibly want. These are super close friends of ours (she's throwing us the shower as well) and so we feel comfortable with this stuff (like the crib and car seat) because we know they haven't been in a car accident and that they take care of their stuff. (Although we plan on buying two infant car seats just so we don't have to screw around with the different car seat bases.) There's still stuff we want/need, but they are really setting us up. We have the greatest friends ever.

I am feeling... heavier. My joints still hurt and I feel swoll in my hands a lot. And have had some issues this past week with the digestive process. Specifically, the end of that process. I haven't been able to poop! And it's been bad... and painful. There might have been an over-flowing toilet and the plunger has gotten a work out this past week. I started incorporating more fiber into my diet, when I noticed the problem - to no avail. I finally added some stool softeners to help things along. M is in charge of making sure I go at least once a day (which is difficult for me - I was never that regular even before). So that's my new goal. And hopefully the end of my problem there as I still have a long way to go.

The house is coming along. Painters started painting TODAY (!!!!) and so it really feels like we'll soon be able to get things set up and actually unpack everything and make the house really feel like home.

One Year Ago Today

One year ago I was in the hospital having a D&C. Finishing the end of the worst week of my life. The worst month.


This year is so much better. And I couldn't be more grateful.



And I hope everyone gets their turn.

Quick Update - 24w!

I went to the doctor today and everything is going well! The babies heartbeats were good. I had blood taken to recheck my white count, but everything seemed good. The joint pain and swelling is normal and after looking at the u/s results from the hospital visit this weekend, the doctor said everything looked good. I am measuring at 29 weeks (I love knowing how big I am compared to a singleton pregnancy) and have gained 5 pounds since my last visit 4 weeks ago, which the doctor said was good. She said I should expect to gain about 20 more pounds (yikes!).

I have my next appointment in two weeks for the dreaded glucose test, a growth scan and a regular appointment. Fun times!

23w5d

We had an exciting weekend. I had my first official freak out. And it was really nothing. And I feel really dumb about it.

Since early Friday afternoon I had been having this sharp stabby pain in my lower left belly area - kinda next to my hip - and after chilling on the couch with water for several hours (like 5 or 6) it hadn't gone away and was coming regularly... so I'm all freaked and call my doctor's office after hours (which is really the emergency line) and talk to a doctor who tells me to go to the hospital. Well, they couldn't really figure out what was causing the pain - no contractions after monitoring me for about an hour, cervix long and closed, babies were doing fine, u/s showed nothing except a slightly enlarged kidney. The only other thing was that I was (TMI) slightly constipated (so embarrassing) and after going felt better even though the pain didn't go away entirely, it slacked off in intensity and occurrence.

The nurse thought it was just round ligament pains, which is probably all it was. Combined with the poop thing. M keeps telling me my poop at the hospital was the most expensive poop taken. We'll see when the bill comes in. I came home that night after finding out there wasn't anything wrong and begging to be let go so I could sleep in my own bed (they wanted to keep me overnight - yuck). I felt better the rest of the weekend, no pain or anything, just a mild case of embarrassment.

I still can't decide if it was the smart thing to do because what if something really had been wrong, or if I just over- reacted. I feel slightly dumb and dramatic about it all. And betrayed by my own body, cause I couldn't tell what was happening and if something was seriously wrong or not. But I'm glad the babies are ok.

So other than that, I've been doing pretty well. The babies seem pretty active. The weather is totally screwing with my allergies and making me feel like I'm constantly fighting something off, which isn't fun. I've been sleeping a lot and eating a lot. And have been hormonal - crying easily (I'm such a cliche); yesterday while unpacking the master bath I started crying listening to Christmas music. It was Amy Grant's Mary's Song. Oh, and I can't believe I almost left this very important aspect out - when I was in the hospital, the ultrasound tech told us we were having two girls. WHAT?!??!? We kindly asked her to revisit things and double check and she said that one of the could be a boy, but that we won't know for sure until around 30 weeks or so. Um... ok? So now I'm officially on hiatus from buying anything.

The house is slowly coming together. I ordered the furniture we want, the repairs are under way so soon we can get the house painted, which I'm looking forward to. I really think it'll freshen things up and make the house look new. THEN we can get all our stuff from storage... and finish the unpacking.

Big Week for Us - 23w

So we moved.

And had my little sister's baby shower.

And, yeah. It's been a long week. We were unsure we were going to be closing Friday until... um Thursday night. And if we weren't going to be able to close Friday, we would have been homeless. Because we were to be out of our townhouse by Sunday midnight. So... yeah. It was stressful. But we moved. And we're here. Thank fucking god.

As far as moving while pregnant (with twins anyway)... I strongly advise against it. My feet. My back. I didn't lift more than a couple of (light!) boxes and was worn out. My fingers and feet are still swollen. My body has just ached every night. My feet haven't hurt so badly since... well, probably since I started waiting tables and worked a double. And I'm SO glad we had as much help as we did. My MIL and her husband came into town, my parents and my SIL (for a couple of hours) all helped out so I could go to the shower and could do as little as possible as far as lifting boxes and over doing it. My next appointment is next week - no u/s, just a regular check up, but with my swelling and back pains and all the exerting of myself (and there was something else I wanted to talk to her about, but for the life of me can't remember - oh! Two hours later I remember! My joints... I swear it feels like I've started getting arthritis.) I'm curious if she'll give me one anyway. I've also noticed what feels like a lack of movement. I swear they were moving around a lot more (or I was feeling them a lot more) last week. So that has me considerably worried, as you can imagine. But, I just keep telling myself that it's normal not to feel a lot right now and that the movement I do feel can vary. Of course, once next week's appointment is over and I know everything is good, I'll feel a ton better. (Did I even need to say that? Isn't that kinda a no duh kinda thing? lol)

There's still so much work to do. We have repairs a contractor will be doing (sometime, if he ever calls...grrr...) and then a painter will be painting almost the entire house - so we're half unpacked and unable to hang things or unpack decor. And we have furniture I want to buy from San Antonio (I need to order it)... the furniture we're getting is a living room set - so our TV is sitting on the floor. And our electronics are just kinda... laying around. It's so fun. AND on top of all that, we still have a 10x10 storage unit filled to the brim (seriously; wall to wall, floor to ceiling) that still needs to come over. So. Yeah. Whew. We have a ton to get done.

My sister's shower was in the middle of the big move Saturday, so I got to take a three hour break and go have some fun. See the pic below for me and my sister, belly to belly.

She is right about 10 weeks ahead of me, with one. And I was 22w3d. Which put her at around 33 weeks. So yeah. Apparently, I am big or she is small, or a little bit of each; for our respective dates. She IS a lot smaller than me, normally, not pregnant. Like, a lot. So that is also a part of it, I'm sure. And, the outfit I was planning on wearing was packed in with the movers, so this is a non-maternity, wore it the day before, shirt, which was a hell of a lot nicer than the shirt I was wearing that day (a long sleeved Green Bay packer grey tee). So I love seeing how the bottom of my shirt was... pulling up. Cuz I kept pulling it down, for all the good it did lol.

So I'm exhausted. And trying to chillax for the rest of the week and get a little bit done every day.

22w1d

Craziness. That is what I am feeling.

My already over-analytical nature kicks into overdrive analyzing everything to do with pregnancy. And you'd think I was able to relax more... not the case. What's making me crazy is the differences. The amount and type (thick or thin) of cervical discharge I experience in a day either has me running for the bathroom or wondering where it went. The amount of movement I feel varies from day to day and has me constantly repeating to myself "this is normal, they don't even ask for movement monitoring until much later, some people are just starting to feel things" on a day when I don't feel much. A day like today. And yesterday.

It all makes me want to.. I don't know, but I do know I'm driving myself crazy. And there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So, not too much to report here. I figured I would do a milestone check as I haven't done one in a while and now I have something fun to add (and be thankful for)!

How far along? 21 weeks!

Total weight gain/loss: I have no idea as I turned a blind eye to the scale last week. But the doctor didn't say anything, so I'm pretty sure I'm ok there.

Maternity clothes? In pants all the time - and am still trying to make some shirts work for me. The tall shirts I had previously seem to be making the cut ok... the others, not so much.

Stretch marks? No

Sleep: Off and on... I'll sleep a lot and nothing can wake me up some nights and some nights I wake up constantly and have a hard time falling asleep.

Best moment this week: Finding out the sexes and having both babies be healthy and good.

Movement: More so. I have been feeling more (in quantity) every day and have been feeling more (like in pressure and define-ness of movement)

Food cravings: Beef. And sweets. Pretty much all Food

. I either eat a large meal and am full for like 4-5 hours or I eat a normal amount and am hungry like 2-3 hours later. Yeah. Just give me a cheeseburger and I'm happy. Or a donut. Or, you know, pretty much anything. And writing that made me hungry again. But, I will say one thing: the burping of one meal and having my stomach growl for another is pretty weird.

Gender: One BOY and one GIRL!!! I am so happy about this. Exactly what I wanted. Makes the naming easier and makes me super happy since we won't be able to afford doing any other ART, which means a very small chance of having more babies, which, in all honesty, I'm perfectly fine with. Two is perfect for us. And having one of each makes it more perfect. And I super love knowing who is where and being able to think or say things like "She's really active right now" or "He's awake now". So cool. I can't wait for M to be able to feel them.

Labor Signs: Um, no. And it can stay that way, thankyouverymuch.

What I miss: Subway. Sandwiches... yum...

What I am looking forward to: More movement, M feeling the babies move and getting bigger. I know that last one sounds weird, but sometimes I feel like I shrink and lose my baby belly.

And, because I mentioned it before, this is the picture of me, at the baby shower a month ago. Three pregnant women, with me being the least far along (and on the right, in the brown). If I calculated correctly, I am 16w3d in this picture, the person next to me was 20-21 weeks and the shower honoree (in red) was 30ish weeks (and they are both pregnant with one). We're all facing straight on, so its kinda hard to actually see any bumps. I think I look... just... fat. And man, am I tall from my boobs up, because you sure as hell can't tell I'm taller than both these women in this picture! But as I get my more pictures taken of me, I'll be sure to post them. I think I have a camping one... or someone does.

Such! Exciting! Things!

So many great things! So much to share! I guess I should get right to it...

Great Thing Number One: I popped! My belly is large(ish)! I look pregnant! I think it kinda happened from last weekend to this week. My mom and sister saw me on Sunday and were like - oh wow, you look bigger and now I feel like I am bigger. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see more pregnant belly than 'oh she's fat'.

Great Thing Number Two: We sold our townhouse!!! We closed on Thursday and are officially renting the place out until closing on our new house, which will hopefully be early December. I've been packing and dealing with inspectors and contractors (for the new house, which, until we're closed, I won't talk about) and all sorts of stuff. Both moms have been in helping us pack, which has been a godsend. Generally I've been keeping pretty busy, but still trying to rest and not over-exert myself.

Great Thing Number Three: We had our anatomy scan and both babies look great! And we know the sexes... A boy and a girl!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't be happier. We are both so excited. I measured to be 25-26 weeks (which I think is CRAZY - I feel like I just started showing) if carrying a singleton (I have to remember that my little sister, who is 10 weeks ahead of me pregnancy wise, with one, only started showing and looking pregnant at 26 weeks - she's tall, like me but slimmer and in the last couple of weeks started really growing. She's bigger than me (of course) but it took her a lot longer to get there).

Both babies are perfect, the boy (who is residing on the left side of my belly) is measuring 20w4d and looked to be 360 grams and the girl (on the right) is measuring 20w1d and looked to be 333 grams. So both ahead and doing wonderfully. I am kinda mad, though, because the technician did not give us baby-boy-bit pictures on the DVD we got to take home. Am pretty peeved, and have debated calling and asking for them. However, since it was an outside company who came in and did the scan... I don't know if I could get them. But I do know I am not happy.

Both future grandmas were there and were swapped out between babies (we lured them here with the promise of being at the scan and they helped pack too). My mom was there for the measuring of the boy, M's mom there for the girl. So they both got to see them moving and kicking around. I am feeling more movement now, although nothing crazy and only when I'm laying down or being still. I feel fine, although am kinda fighting an allergy sinus thing which hasn't been fun. And with knowing the sexes we feel pretty finalized on the names, which is nice, because us coming up with two boy names would've caused some MAJOR discussions.

I just kinda feel like as long as we three make it through this move and to Christmas, we'll all be good (right before Christmas is the V-day milestone). So that's what I'm aiming and hoping for, short term, because, of course, I want these babies in me for another 18-20 weeks. Smoothness for everything to be on track and to be ok. No big bumps (except mine) or bobbles and I'll be pretty happy. And relieved.

I Survived

The camping trip is over. And I (and my marriage) survived. Just barely.

Not to be all drama-queen, but man did I not really anticipate the level of uncomfortableness I would feel. And this was in perfect (maybe a touch too warm) camping weather. I mean, every camping trip there is a level of uncomfortableness everyone feels. You're living outside for a couple of days. Not sleeping in your bed. With no walls, so sound travels amazingly well. With no showers. With bathrooms that are a small hike away. Sitting in chairs much less comfortable than your couch or office chair. Cooking on a dinky little stove. Staying up late and waking up early. And, if you drink, being hungover.Packing so much crap you can hardly believe you will use it all, just for a couple of days, and unloading and moving all that crap to your campsite, which is never right where you can park. And then repacking everything a day or two later. And the special joys of trying to get the tent back into the same bag it came in. So some uncomfortableness is expected. And you do it, because its an annual tradition. And you generally have fun. But, man, being pregnant added a whole other level to all this.

Friday we got there. After a four and a half hour car trip. So, I survived that. Then we* unloaded. I am a tent setting up genius, and so we got everything together. I wasn't too bad. We ate. We sat and we hung out. Fun times. Until bed time. You see, every other camping trip has involved alcohol. And I've never had too much of a problem going to sleep. Until this trip (and I even packed earplugs, just in case... they did not work). Thanks to the washer-game-playing campsite neighbors (some game I've never heard of, but can tell you it involves pitching metal things at a loud receptacle) who played said game until about 2am... yeah. It was ugly. Because I still couldn't sleep after that. I got like two hours of sleep.

So the next day, I got up, ate and tried to hang... until I crashed around noon. Which is the precise time those game playing assholes decided to play again. So, I read my book and waited them out. With a raging headache. And this is where it gets ugly, especially for the hubs. Because I finally fell asleep. For maybe a half hour. And that's when I got woken up and realized that my husband had started playing a game not ten feet from our tent. With a group of people. And, yes, he tried to keep them all quiet. I heard him shh-ing people. But that was it for me. I laid awake, fuming, crying, etc until they stopped playing. (Of course, all this awake time is peppered with numerous trips to the bathroom since you can't pee outside in the daytime.) And then I found my husband and let loose on his ass. And we almost went home. He apologized. We were going home. And then we waited so I could calm down, eat and take medicine I was avoiding taking (but obviously needed, as I realized my allergies were getting in on the act and my tired headache had turned into a full blown sinus headache). So I ate. And calmed down. And felt better. And hung out. And decided to stay. And actually slept that night (as much as one can sleep while camping... I'm sorry, but I need absolute quiet and darkness to sleep most of the time and camping without alcohol... I just couldn't fully sleep). And then made breakfast and packed up and headed home, to a sweet shower and my bed.

My feet still don't feel like they have recovered from all the swelling. My back still aches from the car ride and the camping chairs that get old... and uncomfortable... quickly. And I'm still trying to catch up on my sleep. Because man, oh man... do I need it. I am still very, very tired. And plan on being a complete bum all day, despite the moms coming over tomorrow. But I survived.

And tomorrow we go to the doctor. I'm trying not to get all crazy-worried about it. I'm trying not to freak out. I'm trying not to be anxious and nervous and everything else I usually am before a scan. And I'm trying to not imagine the worst case scenario with both moms right there in the room. It's a tall order for me. I'm trying, instead to concentrate on the fact that I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow! And that I can't believe I'm halfway (more than halfway) there. And that I'm still good. And that we get to know the sexes tomorrow. And that we get to have new pictures of babies. Finally. (It's been like two months man...) I need to chill-ax about all this and go watch all the shows that I have Tivoed and not think.

*We. Yeah. All the loading and unloading and packing all that crap into my tiny little car, and carrying coolers to and from the car and etc... that was totally the hubs and not me. I saw we because I watched him do it (*ahem* and offered wonderful suggestions) and carried pillows and other... light things. So. Yeah. Way to go hubs.

And, also, to LCB; we should totally do a get together. I'd love to meet people from around here in real life.

18w5d - almost 19w, which is almost 20w! The halfway point!

Slacker is me. I knows it. So there isn't much really happening right now. I think I'm feeling movement, but its pretty sporadic. My not wanting candy phase is officially OVER and I'm sure my doctor will not be happy at my next appointment (9 days!) at the sudden weight gain (mint m&ms are out!). I invited both M's mom and my mom to the appointment, since it will be the anatomy scan that *should* reveal the sexes... I am hungry a lot though and sleeping is still off and on. I think it's directly related to the amount of stress and anxiety I feel, which, really, is no surprise (see below).

We go camping this weekend; M is taking Thursday, Friday and Monday off, so, hopefully, I won't have to do a whole lot to get us ready and then unpacked. I am noticing that my feet and fingers swell now and standing up for more than an hour at a time really puts the strain on my feet and back. I don't think I look too big right now, but M says he thinks I definitely look pregnant. I stick out my belly as much as possible when standing in line at the post office, but no one's made a comment. (Gawd, how weirdo am I?) I am working on getting a picture - I had one taken at a baby shower I went to a couple of weekends ago, but I haven't received the photo yet. I guess I should just bite the bullet and take one of myself in the mirror. I'm such a lazy lame ass.

In other news, things may be happening in the housing department, but because I am ridiculous, I will leave it at that. And say that I am very busy at home now. And very excited. And very stressed. So, when things are more final, I will be sure to share, but right now, I prefer not to jinx things.

17w and No Flu For Me

Today is 17 weeks. And the worrying never stops. I got my H1N1 vaccine today, so now we're all protected and whatnot since I got the seasonal flu shot a couple of weeks ago. And, since I was there, I asked for a quick listen on the Doppler. They're both in the 140's (down from last week when they were both in the 150's). I know the rate is normal (I asked and anything from 120-170 is the norm), but I'm kinda worried about the right-sided baby - heart rate was always in the 170's until last week when it dropped to the 150's and now a week later its in the 140's. And both times, there was little to no movement, while the left one was super active... Both appointments were around the same time of day. So one sleeps and the other parties between 1-3pm? I just don't get it. And I don't know if I should be worried about this or not. I'm just afraid of this being a bad sign of bad things to come. Like, a warning sign that everyone but me is ignoring. Ah well. There really isn't much I can do about it, so *shrugsigh*.

I'm going to be very anxious to see what the doctor says next time I see her, however. And I'm even contemplating borrowing a Doppler to monitor the situation. But I don't know what that would help. Especially since I know babies' heart rates fluctuate. I know they get lower as they get bigger. But what I don't know is if this rate is normal for 17 weeks. And maybe one baby is super active and the other... is lazy like me. I've heard of that. Babies are different. So maybe mine are just completely... different.

In good baby news, the AFP blood work and we're low risk for neural tube defects! Rock on, babies!

In other pregnancy news, still no stranger comments on the belly, which I take to mean I still look fat and not pregnant. Or that awkward phase between the two where people would rather stay safe than be sorry. And the maternity pants I wear are pretty baggy. It's funny to me that they are and I can't wait to be busting out of them. I just look at them and wonder... and kinda laugh since some of them are borrowed and I may have to quit them before I stretch them out beyond anyone else's* wearing capabilities.

*By the way - is else's not a word? Because I always get called out on spell check about it. What the hell?

16w2d

This week was our 16 week appointment. And everything was good. No scan (grumble) but heartbeats sounded good and the doctor was happy with everything.

How far along? 16w2d
Total weight gain/loss: plus 8 pounds - that's it! My doctor was happy with that, so I guess I am too. I haven't been eating "healthy" but whatever I'm doing seems to work ok.
Maternity clothes? In mat pants all the time and am realizing that many of my shirts will not transition well... primarily because they are too short.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Sometimes I get a lot... sometimes I wake up and can't go back to sleep...
Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeats... always a nice thing
Movement: Well, maybe. I don't want to call it before it happens for real, but I feel.. things.. inside. Very sporadically. Very lightly. But definitely there. Hard to describe and mostly on the left side of the belly, although I did feel something on the right last night... hopefully the farther along I get the more I feel them and then will know for sure if it is what it is... or really just intestinal issues.
Food cravings: Kinda... like I went to Target to buy Jello and had to have one immediately after leaving the store. And the same with chocolate milk... but not like "real" food.
Gender: Still hoping for one of each, but after Wednesday's check up where BOTH heartbeats were measuring in the same range (150's) my theory is shot. (I'm also trying not to worry that one was so much lower than before. Still in normal range = ok)
Labor Signs: NO. And it can stay that way for a long time thankyouverymuch.
What I miss: Well, since finding pasteurized eggs, nothing that involves raw eggs. Yippee! I guess deli meats. I ate steak for our anniversary (what a rebel) and it was fantastic, and I wish I could eat it all the time.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sexes - one month to go! Getting bigger. Having a stranger comment so I feel like I look pregnant, as opposed to fat...

So yesterday and today I was incredibly worried about things. It was weird, since I was so calm about the doctor's appointment this time, a clear switch from my usual pre-appointment anxiety. Apparently now, I'm stressing about things AFTER the appointment. It's just that I've had pain low on my sides when I stand up and walk around. And it kinda worries me. And my belly feels tight and hard all the time. Which is a change from its pre-pregnancy squishy feeling... and I know it's normal. I just don't know if its too tight or too hard, if that makes sense. I think part of what stresses me out is the idea that I won't know what's wrong until its too late and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it and then... Bad Things. Irrational... probably. I need to remember that things that stretch are growing and some pain isn't always bad. I am going to be very happy to be more than 24 weeks. Very happy. Viability day. Very important.

Maybe I would have felt more at ease if we had gotten a scan. And I'm sure if I had whined and been more drama queen, we could have finagled one. But it's mainly my own fault. Next time, when the nurse talks about how hard it may be to find the heartbeats, don't point out the exact location where the nurse found them last time. Because guess what, genius? Chances are they'll still be in that general area. And my nurse found them at first Doppler poke.

Oh, I just remembered I had a dream about eating Whataburger last night and am suddenly ravenous. So bye.

Since I have the time...

So M is out of town, so I have time to write. I'm going nuts. I started measuring my stomach so I can hopefully curb my craziness that something bad has happened by proof that my stomach is growing. I'm such a nut ball. But, funnily enough, I grew almost an entire inch by the end of the day from when I woke up. I mean, I knew I was getting bigger throughout the day, but I didn't realize it was an inch. It seems like a lot.

Anyway, I'm also going crazy because I don't really feel anything. I mean, I still have some symptoms, but not as many as before. And I know that's the way its supposed to be, but its kinda driving me wacko. I can't wait to feel them kicking around. I can't wait to have a real "hey that chick is pregnant not fat" stomach. I just can't wait to feel like I'm really pregnant. It just feels so unreal right now. And it's still so early! Sometimes I look at other people's tickers and compare myself to them and then realize - wait a sec - they're two weeks ahead of me!

Before it took so long to get pregnant and after the false starts... I now realize that I can't wait to actually have my babies. I used to think that I would cherish being pregnant and relish in the attention and the absolute cuteness of it all. And I think I still will, but with everything that's happened, I just want the babies. Healthy, happy babies. And it makes me kinda sad that that's been taken away from me. I used to tell M that I wanted to really appreciate the time and feelings of being pregnant, because (after realizing what it would take to get pregnant) it was most likely the only time in my life I could experience it. And now, all I want is for the pregnancy to be over and for us to just have babies. And, I feel kinda robbed. All the worry, all the heartache during the pregnancy, kinda takes away from the experience. All the financial dreams we had, all gone. It really hits home when I see my sister and how she behaves toward her pregnancy. She gets maternity clothes for future wear. She doesn't worry about the things that drive me crazy and keep me up at night. She just... assumes everything is fine. And it is! I don't mean that I want something bad to happen to her or my nephew, but there is no reality check for her! And I totally envy it (well as much as I can, because my nature would be to want to know about everything, would want to ask about everything, would just care about all the little details, whereas she is more ditsy, more head in clouds, which, in this case presents itself as assuming everything is fine) (wow can you say run-on sentence?). But I still envy the total state of non anxiety. And am amazed that such an attitude about pregnancy can exist.

Ugh, ok well, enough mental diarrhea onto my blog for today. Time for bed.

14w5d

I'm writing this at 6:27am. I can't believe I can't go back to sleep. UGH. M left at 5:30 to fly out to some work stuff he has to do. He'll be gone until Thursday. :( It feels forever away. I used to cherish my alone time (especially when M went out of town for a few days) and now I have so much of it, I get bored so easily. Not that I'm complaining, but sheesh. I need something to do. Preferrably something I would get paid for. I'm not overqualified and your shitty job sounds right up my alley!

Anyway, NT scan blood tests came back and everything looks really good. Yay! I didn't ask for an exact ratio (who needs to obsess over numbers -->not this chick). but we are "low-risk". And, I'm STD free! Hooray! I think I'm starting to get a belly, but will not put up pics until I'm decidedly more cute-looking.

My great=grandmother's "dinner" was good (I saw "dinner" because she loves this horrible chinese buffet place where we have to go every year... there is so much better food for the kind of money we shell out to that place... oh well, its only once a year) and everyone was happy for us. I don't think my great grandmother knew what an ultrasound photo looked like or didn't understand what she was seeing. Even after staring at it for a good while and having people explain it to her, it took her some time to fully understand.

I would do the weekly check in thingy, but I think I may try to go back to sleep. I'm not hungry anymore, thanks to the HoneyNut Cheerios, but I know I'll be a drag ass the rest of today if I don't at least try to get some more sleep.

13w1d

Yesterday we had our 13 week appointment. It was... kinda a let down. You see, we had just seen the babies on Monday. So I wasn't stressed or worried or anything. And they didn't have my blood work back from the NT scan, so we couldn't go over that, and they "misplaced" the paperwork that had the measurements from the NT scan so we couldn't go over that either... instead I got a STD test (required by the OB) and got to ask questions... Unfortunately we were seriously unprepared as we thought this appointment was going to be All About the NT Scan and we couldn't think of hardly any, aside from a couple flu shot questions. We DID get to hear the heartbeats on the Doppler, which I thought was totally cool, seeing as how I'm plumper than what could be considered as healthy weight. I didn't think we'd be able to hear anything until 14 weeks or so, but I was proven wrong. I also rocked in the weight department, as I only gained four pounds! Seeing as how I needed to lose 20-30 pounds before getting pregnant, I'm hoping that I'm gaining good weight and gaining less because I'm losing bad weight... if that makes sense? Anyway, since I'm actively not trying to not gain weight, I was shocked.

We have our next appointment in three weeks, at 16 weeks for... well, I'm not really sure. Well, I know they're going to take blood for the spina bifida test and that's about all I know. Every time we leave the doctor M and I look at each other and go... so what are we doing next time? Are we getting a scan? I hope we do so maybe we can get sexes? Although, I think it may be early for that and we might be stuck waiting until the next appointment.... which will be....

20 weeks! At that appointment we'll have the Big scan to check out organs and stuff like that.

And since I am inconsistent, here is the weekly check in I missed last week:

How far along? 13w1d; Hello Second Trimester!!! (well, I know, officially in two days, but whatevs)

Total weight gain/loss: +4 pounds!

Maternity clothes? I bought some $15 cord from Old Navy that I wore yesterday and had to keep pulling up because they were loose, but OMFG were they comfy. Much more so than the jeans I keep wearing with the rubber band through the button hole.

Stretch marks? No

Sleep: Remarkably, pretty good. Still sleeping a lot despite rumors that the second tri leads to more energy.

Best moment this week: Seeing babies on the scan... watching them dance and wiggle was awesome. Also, hearing their heartbeats (one was in the 150's both times, the other in the 170's...)

Movement: No

Food cravings: Not really

Gender: Due to the heartbeat differences, I'm guessing and still hoping for one of each

Labor Signs: Or Pregnancy Symptoms: My nips are still sore, I get nauseous when I don't eat, I burp a lot, I have off and on back soreness, this morning I have this shooting pain near my belly button, I still sleep a lot, I'm still breaking out all over like a teenager, I'm still stuffy and congested, my boobs aren't bigger, my gums bleed easily, I still have super smelling abilities, and I'm still neurotic and anxious and nervous, but not nearly as much.

What I miss: Right now, steak (I like mine medium rare, so that's out). And Frosties. And Subway.

What I am looking forward to: Having the babies stay healthy. Telling people (M will start announcing tomorrow on his birthday and we'll tell my extended family on Sunday, my great-grandmother's birthday dinner... we'll also give the green light to family and friends who do know that they can tell whoever they want). Knowing the sexes and ... showing! I thought at first I would be like my mom was and show early but I think that was because of the PIO and all the bloatedness that came with it. Now, I'm afraid I'm going to be more like my sister who barely shows now at 24 weeks. She was still in pre-maternity clothes up until she was 5 1/2 months. So, we'll see... Right now, I just look... fat.

Whew. Ok.

So, first and foremost, everything is fine. The babies are fine. "Very active" quoted the frustrated u/s tech who spent a half hour pushing and jiggling and having me turn this way and that way to try to get measurements. We don't get the official blood results back until Wednesday, but everything was (unofficially) fine. We're planning on sharing the news after Wednesday, assuming all is good news. Because, Saturday is officially the start of the second trimester. Hells yes. 13w3d. Today is 12w5d. So close. So mother fucking close. I just know that when I actually get there this weekend there's going to be this weird anti-climactic feeling, but I don't care. And no 'sex' news. At the beginning of the scan the tech said she'd try to see if she could tell, but by the end, she had given up and was like: Nope - not happening.

Last night was a mess. After the earlier post we went to the grocery store. I got hungry. Immediately ravenous, I should say. I get hungry very quickly and if I don't eat soon, I start to get nauseous and nothing sounds good. And then I get a headache. So I got hungry and waited too long to eat and got very emotional about today and cried and cried and cried about it all. M was no help because he was a un-compassionate jerk yesterday (this could be the hormones, as he was pretty confused last night when we talked all this over). I ate, ignored M the rest of the evening and was in bed, reading by 9:00. I read an entire book. I have no idea how late I stayed up, I just wasn't tired enough to fall asleep immediately, which was my whole goal. I hate laying in bed, unable to sleep because I have 1000000000000 thoughts racing through my head. And this usually happens when I have a scan the next day. I get so anxious. And nervous. Anyway, so last night was pretty horrible. I did sleep, although I had nightmares about the book I was reading (should have known better to read a gruesome murder mystery before bed).

Today has been immensely better. I think, in addition to the crazy hormones that basically had be so upset about food, I just needed a good cry. Before the scan I went to Ulta and bought a Smashbox makeup kit (total waste of money as I've worn makeup twice in the last month, but I used a birthday gift card and I'm a total makeup junkie), then had lunch with M, had the scan, then had lunch #2, then went to BRU that is going out of business near us and spent way too much money on gender neutral things and stuff for my little sis who is having a baby boy in January (or me - is that wrong?), and then went to Target and bought a Cheesecake Factory cheesecake. Which I'll be popping open in a few. So yes. Today = much better day. (Hmmmmmm.... cheesecake.... droooooolllllll....)

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment (fun!) and then Wednesday we go back to make sure everything is kosher. I'm super excited to tell my family and friends about the little ones on the way and feel so much better about everything. M keeps double checking that I'm not getting all freaked out about something else now. I told him that I just wanted a bump now. Not to be super-fat whale-girl, but to look like I'm actually going to have a baby. Pics to come as soon as we upload them. (We got a DVD of pics - so cool!)

Look ma! We're like real babies! We even look like babies instead of weird blob things!

I tried to get the best pictures of each of them... the problem being that you very well could be looking at Baby A in both side pics because some of the pics were labeled and some weren't... or we could pretend that I got each of them in their glory and look how cute they are. (Also, yes I suck at consistent cropping.)

Nervous

So, so nervous. And anxious. And nervous.

Tomorrow is our NT scan. Between being terrified that something has happened to one or both of them, to worrying about what the test could reveal... today is not so good. Less than 24 hours to go. I wouldn't even post this, but, well, its all a part of the journey, I guess. I wish I had had another scan earlier. It feels like it was so far away.

But I'm going to try not to think about it too much. M doesn't like it when I start stressing out and just wants me to relax and be happy. And I am! But today, I'm a wreck about tomorrow.

A Fascinating "Milestone" I'm Sure You Couldn't Live Without Knowing

*Warning: gross content ahead*

I barfed this morning. A real, honest-to-goodness, spent-five-minutes gagging and retching all my stomach acid out with tears running down my face into the kitchen sink barf. (Don't judge; the kitchen sink was the closet throw-up acceptable place.) (I say don't judge because as I'm telling M this he's all eewwwwww! The kitchen sink! Why didn't you use the toliet? and is all judgey.)

Anyway, so my barfing is all the dog's fault. For the first time in... well, a long time, we had an accident of the Number Two variety. And I had to clean it up. I was fine... until I picked it up and put it in the bag (and my mouth is feeling all gaggy just thinking about it now) and then I had to dash to the kitchen sink and puke. And it was disgusting and burned the back of my throat and uck. And I know I shouldn't complain because oh-my-god I've been so lucky as to not actually have to do that everyday, but it was gross and reminded me of how much I hate throwing up and how lucky I've been.

And so then I opened the back door to help air out the odor and let a bunch of mosquitoes in, for which I got another grumpy comment about spraying air freshener. Yeah, because with my heightened sense of smell, smelling crap underneath fake-smelling spray is REALLY going to help. Good call there.

So, that was my morning. And then I went and ate blueberry pancakes with my brother. And M was jealous as he should have been for not being as impressed by the "milestone" this morning as I deem to be apropos. (According to him, he almost throws up dealing with that so its not a big deal. To which I say, yeah, but you haven't and I did, even though I've never after cleaning that up before, and you can go suck it.) And that's what he gets.

Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through. But, fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.

11 weeks. Counting down to the end of the first trimester. I can't wait. So here's the obligatory weekly check in.

How far along? 11 weeks 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: Blissfully ignorant of this

Maternity clothes? I bought jeans! Motherhood has tall jeans for only $35! After seeing the ugly, short Kohl's jeans for $56, I didn't hesitate to buy them.

Stretch marks? Or bruises; no. Although, the side of my ass/hip is kinda numb. And I still have some redness.

Sleep: I can finally sleep a little on my side, but its more stomach/side, rather than side/side. I still wake up on my back and I still have some issues falling asleep at times. And I still wake up at least twice a night to pee.

Best moment this week: Um... buying the jeans?

Movement: My stomach rumbles a whole lot. My digestive system is all screwy right now, so that's where the most movement is coming from.

Food cravings: Not really. M was surprised that I'm ok with chicken... we'll see.. I don't know how common it is to have that aversion, or when it's common to have it.

Gender: No idea, although I'm hoping the u/s tech will be able to give us a good idea at the NT scan.

Labor/Symptom Signs: My biggest symptom is the food issue. Ugh. Food. I eat and feel fine. Then an hour later I'm burping and feeling completely nauseous. And my stomach is all rumbly and ucky. And the after taste in my mouth after eating and the burping... its bitter and sour and gross. And makes me want to throw up. I actually threw up in my mouth a little bit last night. The closest I've come to actually barfing. I'm still sleeping a lot; close to 12 hours a night, so I don't nap and don't feel completely exhausted during the day, until 6 o'clock when I start yawning. I still get tired. I still have lots of discharge. My nips are still sensitive. But other than that, I wake up and wonder if I really am pregnant. Because until I eat, I'm just unsure. At times I just don't feel any different than normal. And then I'll get a hot flash or snap at M or be starving and think, ok, well, this is a good sign.

What I miss: Soda, although I had my first in about two and a half months the other day. It was wonderful. And Subway. I really want a sandwich right now.

What I am looking forward to: Seeing the babies and seeing the heartbeats and seeing everything be good and normal and healthy. I get anxious when I think about it, so I try to block it out. But, it's nerve wracking and I'm so worried one of them will have something be wrong... agh... I'm not thinking about it.

Weekly Wisdom: Um... treat others as you want to be treated... ? I don't know what to put here.

Milestones: In two days I will be under 200 days until EDD!

I Suck... 10w0d

With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)

So first can I just say... today is 10 weeks!!! The second major mini-milestone (after seeing heartbeats) I've been waiting for. And second... yes I suck. I haven't updated in a while. I would get annoyed with other blogs for not updating (especially the pg people's ones I'd go stalk to see how their week was measuring up to mine) and now I'm one of them. But at least I can say that I understand now. I've just been waiting for 10 weeks. And hoping nothing bad happens. So unless I wanted to constantly update with my complete neurotic-ness (which, I know is annoying based on M's reaction to it) there really isn't much else to say.

How far along? 10w0d.. Still so early...

Total weight gain/loss: Haven't really gained anything (which you wouldn't know by the way my clothes don't fit. I was in shock when I was weighed - M thinks the scale was lying to be nice to pg women).

Maternity clothes? No. But I am always wearing elastic, leggings, or cullots/gauchos. My jeans don't fit. Most of my other pants don't fit. I have a couple of work pants that were really big on me before that are now quite snug. But they work for 'formal' things for now.

Stretch marks? Um, no. Could this be bruises instead? Because then, hells yes. Ass/hip and stomach. Love those needles.

Sleep: Is a struggle. Sleeping on my back is best. Sleeping on my side doesn't feel good.

Best moment this week: Well, technically that will be tomorrow, when I don't have to have a PIO shot. I had my last one this morning. My ass/hip is numb, bruised and has red welts all over it, so not having anymore shots in that area will be total bliss.

Movement: Well, since its WAY too early for me to feel anything, this week it was awesome to see one of the babies twitching (M doesn't like that - he says dancing because it sounds better)

Food cravings: None, really.

Gender: I'm hoping for one of each.

Pregnancy (Labor) Signs: (I wish there was a strike through option; instead of labor I'm opting for this to mean symptoms because that's what relevant right now.) This is where the neurotic-ness kicks in. My boobs hurt one day, not the next. My nips are sensitive. I've had some weird pulling right above my pubic bone this week (like when I walk). My back hurts off and on. Some food still tastes weird. Nausea comes and goes. If I overeat, I'm absolutely miserable. Nauseous and bloated. I still get hungry often. Lots of discharge down there (which leads to lots of pantie checking). Gagging and dry heaving in the morning from phlegm. I sneeze a lot. Gagging at night when I brush my teeth. Getting up to pee at least twice at night. Every time we go anywhere I freeze. I get really cold and goosebumpy. My boobs have not gotten bigger. I think that's it... (could there be any more, lol?)

What I miss: soda

What I am looking forward to: Our NT scan, Sept 28, with follow up regular appointment on the 30th. Just a couple days after that, M's birthday; I'll be just over 13 weeks then. Those are my next major mini milestones. Also, showing. I can't wait to get a bump. Then maybe I'll actually believe that I'm pregnant. Whereas now, it's still hard to believe.

Milestones: We had the first real OB GYN appointment last Friday. It was weird, being amongst all the normalness. I was happy to hear that my doctor would most likely deliver me and I would get more attention later on, because I'm having twins. (I'm so speshul...)

The appointment last Friday went well, both babies looked great, both hearts beating away and some movement from one. I really like the staff at the new doctor and the doctor herself was nice and no-nonsense, which I appreciate. I didn't like the office decor (at all) but what does that matter, really? We got the whole new patient package, including a book, planner, some prescription PNV samples and some nice info sheets of what meds I can take and other informative stuff. (Gee, wonder why they're called info sheets.) We also got another picture, this time with both of them side by side.

*Also, I so wrote this yesterday but didn't want to jinx myself. So I waited to post it and then changed everything from 9w6d to 10w0d. (dorkus maximus over here)

**And also, has anyone else had bad dreams while pg? I keep dreaming I find blood in my underwear (takes no dream analyzer to figure that one out) but it scares me every time... I'd like a happy dream for once.