Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Complete and Total FAIL

Apparently, my body wants to stay pregnant. Very badly. See the following:
Monday: Scan. Fetal tissue present. Cytotec (misoprostol) administered. Bleeding ensues.
Tuesday: Scan. Residual tissue remains. Dialated cervix at RE to stimulate things.
Wednesday: Scan. Residual tissue remaims. Dialated cervix at RE in an attempt to pass the tissue in the office. Cytotec administered. 

And... so far nothing. Here's what I'm seeing in my future: 
Thursday: Scan. Residual tissue remains. D&C scheduled and performed. 

So, as you can see, I not only fail at sometimes getting pregnant, but completely fail at staying pregnant (hopefully this is not permanent) and now, fail at miscarrying a baby! And I have the honor of being the first patient of Dr. McKenzie's who has ever needed two doses of Cytotec (and possibly only the third or fourth patient in the practice). And, if I need a D&C I will be the first person in the entire practice who has needed two doses of Cytotec and a D&C. 

So I fail. My RE kinda put it off as a good thing and that in the future my body will hang on to a 'good' pregnancy. We'll see about that, as my track record isn't so good. 

Monday, December 8, 2008

Heartbreak Daily

It's been one week since we found out that the baby does not have a heartbeat and is no longer growing.

7 (almost 8) whole days of depression, heartbreak, tears, anxiousness and failure. Of numbness, gut-wrenching sobbing, anger, disbelief and guilt. Of walking around with the knowledge that my baby died. Again. Of pain so great I don't want to and can't really sleep. So great that I can't bear to be around anything that reminds me of babies and pregnancy.

It's been 9 days since we heard from Marc's step sister that they're expecting. She's due two weeks after I would have been. I had a dream about seeing her last night and how I tried to get out of it and everybody thought that I was being selfish and rude because I wasn't happy for her. But I just couldn't. It just hurt so bad.

In one week I have another doctor's appointment to check on the progress of things. The bleeding has slowed a lot the last couple of days. If I don't know better I would be ecstatic. But I do know better and it feels like the universe is just laughing at me. Because all I want now is for this to be over. I don't want a dead baby in my uterus anymore. I walk around thinking about the dead baby in my body. What's going to happen? Will I have to have a D&C? I'm tired of recognizing the few pregnancy symptoms I'm still feeling and being reminded that, once again, my body has failed to be able to carry, sustain and grow life. Once again, I have failed at the basic function that makes me a woman.

I see pregnant people and babies daily. I cry daily. I try my hardest to ignore that area of my life. I do my best not to think of the mess my life and body is in. I spend my days doing everything I can from being bored and thinking of this thing that has become my life. This pain that is my life.

Marc and I were talking the other day about how 2008 was not a good year for us. Marc's grandparents died. I got laid off. Our house was listed for 6 months with no offers and few showings. We spent thousands on fertility treatments. And we have two dead babies. I hope I miscarry before the end of the year. Somehow I don't think my doctors will let it last that long, but I suppose you never know.

I told Marc that the next pregnancy, I do not want to be told to 'be positive'. I don't want to hear anything about how I should be excited. I don't want to be admonished for being practical, even if that practicality is negative. I don't want anyone telling me how I should or should not feel when the time comes, because I don't want to hear it. I'll decide how I feel, since obviously, being happy and positive has done nothing for me thus far. I'll feel what I want when I want, because I already know that there is nothing more scary than being pregnant.