Happy Birthday!

Yay for birthdays! It is my 27th. Hip-hip-hooray!

Since the Miscarriage

I came across a post on the Nest - Pregnancy Loss board yesterday. Flame-proof Confessions. I thought of a confession and decided to post. I though of several confessions. I haven't actually taken the time to sort out my feelings since the miscarriage and will expound on the already long confessions I made on the board. I'm glad I had the opportunity to think of these things and share them, because I hadn't quite identified them and think its a healthy step in healing. And it actually made me think of how much this affected me. I'm good at blocking things, and this is definitely one of those things.

Confession #1
- I refuse to go to a friends' baby shower in a couple of weeks because I am avoiding pg people, babies and baby things. I don't feel bad about it either. And there's no way in hell I'm going to a Babies R Us right now. This is her second baby in two years. First of all, she shouldn't have a shower, IMO. Secondly, the invite shouldn't ask for gifts. Tacky. And, to be perfectly, 100% honest, I'm kinda bothered that Marc is going. I would never tell him that, but I am.

Confession #2
- I am shopping a LOT. Retail therapy, right? Stupid because we are TTTC and OOP and injections cost a lot. Feel guilty about that, yet bought a pair of shoes yesterday at lunch. Bought stuff on sale at Ulta today. I've recently bought things at Chico's, Soma, the Gap, Marshall's, TJ Maxx, Ulta (times 3), and eBay. I bought three bags off of eBay. Marc is gonna shit. And I know there's more that I can't even think of right now. And it's my birthday tomorrow and I know I'll be getting presents and yet I still go out and spend all this money. Stoo-pid

Confession #3
- I'm glad I can drink soda again. I really missed it when I was, for an oh-so-short time pregnant. Now I relish every soda I can get. And now I have a chance to lose some weight before getting pg. I'm really just trying to eat better, and less. I hope it starts making a difference. (Because it hasn't YET - dammit I want instantaneous results!)

Confession #4
- I kinda knew when I got pg that the pg wasn't going to happen - it felt unreal and I just knew the timing was off and it wasn't going to happen this time. I feel totally guilty about that, even though I know the m/c wasn't my fault. *

Confession #5
- I hate pg people who are so happy about their pregnancies and just assuming everything will just come up roses for them. I just feel like they think they're so special. And they are. And I'm not. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't know everyone's journey. I just want to yell at them that not everybody has it so easy in getting and staying pg. Bitches.

So there we go. Issues I'm dealing with. Ugh...

*And I swear I'm physic or something. I just knew about the pregnancy. The timing just didn't feel right. And I kept waiting for something bad to happen. And sure, most people will say that's normal pregnancy paranoia, and maybe it was but I've had other things happen too. Last week I wrote my friend a letter. I suddenly had a very strong urge to write him. I just knew I had to, for whatever reason. He wrote me back saying that that very day he was involved in a life-threatening incident. And all my life I've always known that I would meet the man I would marry when I was 22, get married when I was 24 and have a baby when I was 28. And, so far, that's been accurate. And when I was in Moscow a guy asked to read me and asked me if there were psychics in my family because for whatever reason I was blocking him and that usually meant I had some physic-ness in me. He told my friend she would have a difficult pregnancy, but would end up with two boys. She got pregnant in Moscow, had a difficult pregnancy, and has a little boy. Anyway, you can think I'm crazy or not, but I've always had strong instincts and feelings about things. So I believe it.

Beta #7 Today

What a great way to start the day. Hopefully the number will be 0. I really think it will be. I don't feel pregnant at all and am actually starting to get some energy back. I stay up later but am having trouble falling asleep - my brain won't shut up. My sleep schedule is all out of whack. But I more or less feel like I've gotten over being somewhat sick. It's amazing because I haven't really felt this way in a long time what with all the meds and shit I've been on. Going back to all of that is going to be difficult. I don't think most people know how hard all of this is on your body, physically and mentally - I sure underestimated it (and I haven't even had IVF, which is just so much MORE).

And just as a side rant - they should really put the type of blood work you're getting done on the paperwork. I don't need someone to be excited for me because I'm getting an HCG test. I know I'm not pregnant. I've already miscarried. Thanks anyway.

As it turned out I had to come in to work yesterday. TS Edouard was a dud. We got some rain, but the sun actually came out for a little bit yesterday afternoon. Sorry, but tropical storms are supposed to bring more than that. I've been in a horrible mood since. I don't know why (well, I know why I was in a horrible mood yesterday - having to come in and all, while Marc stayed home (butI have to give him credit - he knew how I was feeling and made me dinner and did the dishes and let me watch all my reality TV without complaint and I was still bitchy. But I stopped and got him ice cream on the way home to try and make up for it)) but I really have no reason for it today, yet here I am resentful and bitter and just downright cranky (and I keep having these weird dreams where things in my life are just horrible and things aren't happening right and there's just this sense of frustration and unfairness - gee - that's hard to figure out - but it leaves me feeling the residuals of it when I wake up and feel miserable and angry).

I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be talked to. I just want to sleep and watch TV and read my book (which is really good). I don't want to be at work, yet I can't take off. I seriously cannot wait for the October vacation. And yet, if I'm not pregnant then, I'll be so depressed. I would have been 17 weeks then. And it's weird because I can't even really imagine being pregnant now. And I can't imagine being pregnant without being seriously freaked and worried. How do you enjoy a pregnancy? How do you not worry that something is going to happen? I don't know that I can be happy again looking at a positive pregnancy test. Knowing that actually having a positive test is just the tiny-est first step and that so much can go horribly wrong. That the 2ww is nothing compared to waiting for beta numbers, especially when they aren't "normal".

I just don't know how to do all of this again.

A Post About Nothing

Well, I guess not nothing... TS Edouard is heading straight for Houston, which means we should be able to work from home tomorrow. Marc is all set for it. I'm getting set for it (hopefully). Work is slow. And I almost fucked something up. I swear to god... Thank god Jeff checked in on me. How embarassing though.