And to back-blog

I just noticed I never posted Friday about how that appointment went! I had one follicle on my right that was 16.4 and the other on my left at 10.5. My lining was pretty good at 9.5. I was given instructions to trigger Friday night and we set up a Sunday IUI!

This Weekend

Whew. This weekend was crazy. Friday we went and saw Indiana Jones 4; which was ok - not fabulous, but ok. My expectations were pretty low, so I wasn't too disappointed. I took my trigger shot at 9:30pm. The needle was bigger than the Gonal-f pen, which freaked me out, because it was harder to give myself the shot then. I really had to jab it.

Saturday we woke up early-ish to go to the Family Reunion deal out in New Waverly. We got there right around noon and stayed until about 3:30. We didn't get home until almost 5 and then Marc had to work so he could take Tuesday off. So I watched TV, did laundry and cleaned the house up for the maid to come on Monday.

Sunday, we woke up early and dropped Marc's "collection" off at the doctor at 8:30. We then went out and had breakfast and went back an hour later. Well, it turns out we could have taken our time with breakfast, because we ended up waiting an hour for them to call us. The office's AC was broken too, and I swear it was close to 90 degrees in that waiting room! It was horrible! We finally got to go back and then the IUI was done! It was pretty painless - more uncomfortable than anything else. I was slightly concerned because that morning I took an OPK test and it was negative. But, later that day, once we got into San Antonio, I started feeling cramps and pains around my ovaries, so I'm pretty sure I ovulated. I didn't bring any OPK test to check though. Marc and I were able to complete our "homework" that night and Monday morning, so I think we have a pretty good chance. The nurse said my CM (cervical mucus) was nice and looked like I was ovulating, and that made me feel better.

So now we're onto the dreaded two week wait. I wish Big Brother was on so I could have something else to distract myself with, other than the nest and thinking about if I'm "getting pregnant". My abdominal area feels bloated today. I will go back to the doctor's Monday, June 9. Seriously, it feels forever away. I'll be able to start testing that Saturday. By then I'll be 12 days past, and should get a pretty good idea. Wish me luck!

I wanted to take today off of work like Marc, but never heard back from my boss when I asked. He said he texted me back, but I never got it. I'm very curious about whether he actually did or not.

News Updated

So I talked to the nurse. My estrogen levels were at 194, which is ok. They want me to do Gonal again tonight and then come in tomorrow to see if they can tell me to trigger Friday night or Saturday - whee! I'm so excited. I'm going to do the shot as soon as I get home tonight instead of waiting like I normally do, so it has a chance to really do its work. I can't believe I'm so close to having this actually happen. This also pretty much shoots our SA trip to hell... if we trigger Fri/Sat then the IUI would be Sun/Mon. Not fun for anyone - that would mean the nurses would have to come in on their day off, which would totally suck for them. But if that's what has to happen, I'm all for it! We'll see after tomorrow!

News

So I'm back from the doctor, where it looks like things are going... ok. Not great. But ok. My lining is nice and thick, and I have some growth. On the right, the largest follicle is 14.4. The left one has the largest coming in at 8.8. The left is disappointing, but at least I know the medicine is working. I'm going to continue with the Gonal-f for a couple more days (I think - when they call with my estrogen levels, they'll tell me for sure) and then possibly go in on Saturday. Which works out perfectly, except that we won't know what the plan is until then, so going to San Antonio and the length of time we stay is all up in the air. I think we'll definitely go to SA though and, if need be, schedule a Monday appointment later in the day so we can spend two nights there.
I was hoping my follicles would have grown nice and big and that I'd have more than one viable follicle, but as they say, you only need one... blah blah blah... meh. This is a good learning experience for next time though. Hopefully I'll be on a slightly higher dosage, with no Clomid (I don't think it does anything). Of course, this is assuming this won't all work out. At least we aren't cancelled!

Injections, Round Two

So, I last night went well, with the injection and what not. I was all professional and "I know what I'm doing now". I really kicked it's ass! I wasn't a baby, there was no messing around and only the smallest hesitation before the actual prick (because really, should it ever feel normal to stab yourself?) I was so proud!

Until now. Now and all day, really. I have realized that the injection has been kicking MY ass, all day long. I have a horrendous headache, I'm still all bloaty and now I'm gassy and have slight heartburn. I also cannot go 5 minutes without yawning. I am exhausted. Completely wiped. I know this can't compare to the tired-ness of pregnancy and the no-sleep thrills I will hopefully one day have, thanks to a sleepless baby, but man. Right here, right now? This thing is kicking my ass. I'm SO glad I only have one more day of these (well, so far, anyway). I really really hope they are working. Update tomorrow after u/s and b/w. I'm wearing my hair down, but haven't decided on the rest of the outfit.

The Un-Natural-ness of It

So last night Marc and I almost passed out. Seriously. I went shopping after work. Bought cute socks. Picked up dinner. Ate dinner. And between the meal and the Frosty... was the injection. I did not know how big a deal this would be for me. And I learned, oh yes I learned. I know I do not "do well" with needles - especially shots. I figure, a needle that takes something out of me is a lot less painful than a needle putting something into me, so generally blood draws are nothing! Shots are different. I don't know if it's the sting of the medicine when it goes in or what, but I do not do well with needles.

So the injection lasted a lot longer than intended. I paced. I sat. I looked at the needle. I put it up to my stomach about a hundred times and thought "There is NO WAY I am going to be able to do this." It was just so unnatural. Marc about passed out just looking at the needle, but valiantly offered to give me the shot. He said he would probably pass out afterwards though. I told him, that was ok. I then had a thought - a stroke of pure genius. ICE. I'll numb the area. How stupid am I? So I numbed it and stabbed myself. It was a very weird feeling. Very. Weird. But it didn't hurt at all.

I then had a panic attack of if I managed to get the medicine in me correctly. Did it work? How do I know? I called the pharmacy and couldn't get anyone, so then called Fertility Lifeline who assured me that if I heard two clicks, I did it right.

Let me just get on my soap box real quick... ok. WHAT THE FUCK??? These pens are stupid. I hate them. I would much rather see the medicine in the needle, watch it go away as I inject myself and know that I actually gave myself medicine! You can't tell if you did it right or not! You can't tell if you did it at all! And if you make a mistake and set it to an amount that is too high - well guess what? You just wasted all that medicine. Medicine that IS NOT CHEAP. Just give me a damn needle and a freaking vial. Seriously. The pens suck. They suck ass. I'm so irritated about the whole thing.

Tonight I have the joy of a repeat performance. I watched a couple on YouTube and saw how the gray plunger thingie moves, so I'll have to watch for that.

Update from the Doctor

So I went in today for my CD8 b/w and u/s. I have taken Clomid CD 3-7. My results were:

Lining: 5.5mm
Right Ovary: She saw like 36 follicles with the largest being 10.7mm and no others even close to that
Left Ovary: she saw a lot of follicles; largest being 6.4mm and all others smaller
Estrogen: 80

Now, I will start the Gonal-F and continue it to Wednesday (instead of Tuesday) and have a follow up appointment on Thursday. I'm guessing because of my low follicle size and the # of follicles at that size, they're going to keep me on injectibles longer. Here's hoping that this medication will actually work to make my one large one grow and hopefully get another one up there! I hope I don't end up with 36 10mm follicles or little to no growth on the big one.

I have to say, I'm already a little disappointed at what my body is doing. I think this is worse than last time. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, what with my body's normal lack of response to Clomid. This is where the injectibles come in - to give me and my broken ovaries a boost! A much needed boost, as it appears.

I'm anxious about the shot tonight and am super anxious about the followup appointment Thursday. I'm also stupidly superstitious, so I'm already trying to decide if my wearing my hair up led to the somewhat disappointing appointment today and wondering what I should wear Thursday, because IT WILL MATTER. Like I said - stupid. stupidstupidstupid. But I can't help the way I think!

La De Da

Pretty much describes my mood, even with waking up pretty grouchy.

Could have something to do with the new purse that is heading my way... (please be as totally super cute in real life as you are on my monitor!)

Could have something to do with the fact that I pretty much blew off a good 1-1.5 hours with my boss/friend just gabbing this morning...

Could have something to do with the fact that we have a pretty busy weekend ahead of us, which is usually pretty fun...

OR it could be the fact that I got my injectibles in! They came into my work and are all official and serious looking the package that says "personal and confidential" and "refrigerate upon arrival". The nosy receptionist asked about them, to which I proudly said: It's medicine! She was sorry she asked.

I told another person about our IF yesterday. It just feels good to talk about it. She sits in the cube right next to mine, so I know she can pretty much overhear all the talk about stuff when I call the RE and notices when I come in late due to "Dr's Appts" all the time. She had a friend go through IF, so she understands a lot of it (as much as she can - she's in her 30's, not close to being married and kinda thinks that if kids are in her future, she might have to go down this path). She's incredibly sweet and I know she'll be supportive and nice about the whole thing, so it's a good thing.

I definitely feel a lot more open about everything, after telling Marc's mom about it. We aren't sure we are going to be able to go down to San Antonio next weekend and didn't want to just leave her hanging, so we let them know. I think we'll slowly start letting more people know. We're getting more comfortable with everything ourselves, which makes us more comfortable in talking about it to other people.

I'm just happy I'm in an overall good mood. I think this weekend, if I get the opportunity, I'll drink, but not too much, and then abstain until I know what's going on - if the cycle goes forward I'll wait until I know whether it worked. I know some people are very strict with their alcohol intake and have completely cut themselves off (more power to them), but I don't feel like that is necessary, and my doctor has not put those restrictions on me. So I'll wait and try to have a relaxing weekend. The sooner the weekend is over, the sooner next week gets here and we'll know more and hopefully be able to have something happen! Like an IUI!

New Plan! New Plan!

So, as I mentioned yesterday, I was NOT too excited to begin this cycle. I knew the Clomid wouldn't really work, since I have not responded well from it in the past. So! This morning! I had the rule-out-cysts ultrasound which basically is an ultrasound to make sure I don't have any cysts on my ovaries (because then they wouldn't give me any Clomid and the cycle would be cancelled (I think - if I had one I was going to ask about alternatives)) but I didn't have any cysts! Yay for that! First victory-o-the-day!

So then, in talking to the ultrasound technician, we talked about my last cancelled cycle and how Dr. C (not my doctor) had talked to me about moving straight onto IVF and how I knew I would definitely NOT do that, as I believe every body is different and I would like to try to injectibles to see how I respond to that first. And she mentioned doing a COMBINATION cycle of Clomid and injectibles! It's more aggressive, but the doctor gave the ok and after talking to the tech, she said she thought it would give me a nice little "boost" to the Clomid, so I was SOLD! And it's a nice intermediary step from just Clomid/IUI to injectibles/IUI. Apparently, the clinic hasn't done a lot of these and the process is pretty new, but I'm going to do it! It cost a little more money, but since we had a credit from the last cycle, it got applied to that.

I'm so excited about this cycle now. I couldn't believe it when she said the doctor gave his ok. I'm still on a monitored cycle, but the clinic is ordering my meds which I'll have shipped to my work and then my next appointment will be Monday, the 19th. I'll be taking Clomid CD 3-7 instead of 5-9 and I won't be getting 150mg like I was going to, they're going to give me 100mg, like last time. I'll do the injectibles CD 8-9 and then go back on CD 10. All my appointments will now also be accompanied with a blood draw to check estrogen levels.

So now, I'm just hoping my body does what it's supposed to with all of the new medications. I'm so excited about a new process and that I was listened to about my pessimism about the Clomid and my body's response to it.

Cramps

Man. Am I glad to have started. Right on schedule too (see - that's ironic because I'm not really ever on schedule... I have to take meds to make me start) I did accurately guess about when I would start though, so it's humorous to me that I actually started. Tomorrow is my Rule-out-cysts ultrasound appointment, so we'll see where I stand there, then. I'm nervous because last time I had a medium-ish cyst on one ovary, that, thankfully wasn't large enough to keep me from going forward, but was there, nevertheless. So hopefully, I'm cyst free tomorrow. And hopefully, the Clomid will work. To be honest, I'm not really expecting much from this cycle. I don't think the Clomid will work and I don't think I'll have good sized follicles and I do think the Clomid will affect the thickness of my uterine lining, which is just another way this cycle could be cancelled. I'm definitely one bitten, twice shy about all of this and am trying not to be too nervous, anxious or pessimistic (can you tell by the rambling?) but am. We'll see how tomorrow goes. It might be cancelled right then and there! And then I'll have a whole month and a half of wait time to start again. Fun. And I won't have Big Brother to distract me from the Nest boards and all the "babyness" of the web.

Anyway, this weekend was fun - we didn't really do much. Friday was a blast - we had a company fun day where we played Laser Tag, bowling and arcade games at The Main Event. We also got treated to a nice lunch and I didn't have to work too much at all! It was a great way to completely wear myself out physically (instead of mentally) and made me completely forget about work and all the BS.

On that note, I have updated my resume! And posted it online! We'll see what kind of response I get, now that I have learn-ed skillz in marketing.

The Attitude of Meh

Am lazy. And super bizzy, if working until after six (SIX) every night this week (till 6:45 Tuesday night) counts as being busy. Which, to me - it so does.

Am tired also. Almost forgot to take my Provera last night and then did and slept like the dead. I had a dream about a guy named David. I don't remember much except when I woke up and thought - well if I'm dreaming about men who want me and not babies, maybe this means something. And then immediately thought - will not tell Marc about Dream David. Cuz, can you say awkward? I don't want to know and therefore will assume he doesn't either.

And new topic! Actually no new topic, because as I pointed out: Am lazy.

The end