Friday, July 31, 2009
finally able to breathe today.
But still feel very super duper cautious. Like I said before, I need to see the heartbeat. I need it to be there. And then and only then will I feel ... good.
My symptoms are very few: I notice I'm drinking more water and I have slight cramping. Kinda like AF is on her way. I can also smell more strongly I think. Maybe. But no sore boobies. And nothing that really says - wow - I MUST be pregnant now.
We go back again Tuesday. For more bloodwork. Today I got big hugs and smiles from everyone, which I accepted with anxiousness and nervousness and tight, tiny little smiles back. I was glad the clinic was kinda empty otherwise I would have felt bad for the other patients there. I love those people. I go down to one patch of Vivelle on Saturday. And that's all she wrote.
Well not all. I really appreciate everyone who has thought of me during this journey. Thank you for all the good thoughts and well wishes and everything. I'll say it again: this part is the scariest part. I'm still so freaked out and scared. But all is good for now.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Not the highest, but I've had higher and miscarried. Not the lowest either, it's higher than the other miscarriage. I don't think I'll truly believe it until I see the heartbeat. This is the scariest part of this entire process.
Please send good thoughts/prayers/vibes/whatever you want that this one sticks. And thanks.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The PIO shots seem to have gotten better. I've been icing down the area first, and the burn doesn't seem to last very long, which I'm thankful for. The Lovenox though - damn! That burns. And burns for like 30 minutes after the injection. At least the Menopur only burned for a minute or two. But, no complaints, really.
Hmm... guess that's it! It's pretty boring around here. I guess I won't really have any news until my beta next Wednesday. Whew! I have to say - one advantage to IVF and a 5dt is that the 2ww is really short! I only have one week left!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
We got the grades on our transfer - 4AA and 4AA! As Dr. M said there were two superstars in the bunch, so we transferred those.
Embarrassing Bladder Story: So we do the transfer. It's easy as pie. My cervix is a cooperating rockstar. I feel no pain except the very pressing need to pee. Which is normal - they do that on purpose. So I drank all the water I'm supposed to. My appointment is at 1:15. We don't get seen until 1:40. Um... they realize I'm sitting here with a full bladder, no? But, I survive and hold it. We got talk to Dr. M. I get changed and we get all set up. Transfer, yay! Then they catheterize me. To relieve my bladder. Let me tell you, this is not the same comfort as peeing (although the catheter part itself - not as painful as I'd anticipated). The act of peeing - well, its just better. But, soon enough, my bladder empties and they leave me and M in there - I'm supposed to chill horizontally for an hour. Well, when I drink a bunch of water like that, before long, I have to pee again. So, before I know it, I'm sitting there with a full bladder - again. But can't get up. So they bring me a bed pan. It's not an old fashioned kind - it's a smaller kind. She positions it and tells me to let loose. So I do. I pee. And pee. And pee. And feel so. much. better. 5 minutes later, I'm peeing again! Man, water just goes through me. So she comes to take it away. And I realize, that I have peed all over myself. There is pee up my back, soaking my shirt. I have no idea what happened. Did the bed pan malfunction? Was it not situated correctly? Was it overflowing? I don't know but do know that I walked out of there with a hospital gown and my pants on. I think people think I was escaping or something.
So that's the story of my transfer. I go in for a blood test Wednesday the 29th to see what has happened. I have to admit, now that they're in me, I feel all responsible. Before, someone else was taking care of them and making sure that nothing horrible happened, but now its all me and my bed resting self, who is supposed to be at a 45 degree angle. Not 90. No strain on the ute. Maybe it needs another Valium?
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Today I spent the day with my mom and sister wedding dress shopping. After nearly 12 hours, we finished and I came back home. A got a dress. My mom and I got dresses. This might be one of the most dressy wedding the Justice of the Peace has seen. M was surprised because he thought he'd be able to wear jeans. Ha! A's dress really is very pretty though and I know she'll make a beautiful bride when she gets married on the 27th.
Keeping busy really helped keep my mind off the sad landmark that today should have been: the estimated delivery date for my second pregnancy. I want to note and acknowledge that here because its important that I remember these dates and remember what I lost and the journey I've traveled. I can only hope that the losses we've suffered have brought us closer to our live baby, who I hope to meet soon.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Also, I want to send some loooove to our 16 embryos - I hope you guys are growing big and strong and fast for us! As M said this morning, we're doing everything we can to give you a nice home; please stay with us a while.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I got my phone call this morning on how many embies we have. Out of the 32 eggs retrieved, 26 were mature. Which is great. Fantastic! But, I have to admit, I was a little sad about those 6 eggs that weren't fully mature. I feel like they didn't have a chance to be all they could be. But! 26! No feeling sorry about that at all! That's an amazing number. I'm SO thankful so many were mature. Out of the 26 that were mature though, only 16 fertilized normally. Which - again - I'm thrilled about the number! That's a huge number and I know how lucky I am and I'm extremely thankful my body at least did this right. But at the same time, I'm a little sad about the 10 that were busts. But, this is the great thing about IVF - I'd rather these 10 go bust now than be doing an IUI where the 3 eggs released potentially all go bust/fertilize incorrectly and I end up miscarrying again. And, it's not like we don't have an awesome amount of embryos now that are growing for us. I really, really hope they all grow normally and we have a lot to freeze.
We have a Saturday appointment in case we do a 3 day transfer (and I found out the difference between a 3 day and a 5 day (according to Nurse D): a 3 day transfer happens when there aren't a lot of embryos to choose from. If there are a lot, they wait the two days to see which show themselves to be the best and the worst and then transfer the best back.) Nurse D said she was 95% sure that we would go to Monday, so I hope that's the case. She's been mostly right about a lot of things, so I hope this one goes in her favor.
So that's about all. I've been sleeping my ass off, chilling on the couch and reading and watching TV... I need to go catch up with everyone on my favorite board. Thanks to everyone who is thinking of us and our little embies! I'll keep you posted when I get news...
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Holy fraking hell. I really thought I was just way over-hoping when I said I wanted 30. I figured I would be a good candidate to get a lot what with the PCOS. But wowza. I know that 32 is an amazing number and I'm incredibly lucky to get so many. I just hope a good number of them are mature, because Dr. M. didn't know after the procedure.
And also? Holy fucking hell. The pain. Oh my god. I woke up with a heating pad on me. Which, thank god. And then I cried like a big baby. I just wasn't really expecting it. At all. I didn't read or hear of anyone having shitloads of pain. I've been guzzling Tylenol (that's an exaggeration, but I've been taking it all day, as prescribed) and laying around with a heating pad. It's just incapacitating. I really hope tomorrow is better because my god. Just moving around hurts. And peeing hurts. And standing up. And sitting down. I think, when I don't move my body much at all, that feels best. I wonder if # of eggs retrieved has a correlation to pain? Will update tomorrow on how many embryos fertilized and are growing...
Monday, July 13, 2009
I'll update my estrogen level when I get it.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
I am definitely feeling pressure in my abdomen, in the ovary area almost all the time. The bloat isn't constantly bad - I feel it at certain times, but not always. I have to say, I really thought I'd be feeling worse by now. I guess I just prepared myself for the worst possible, and I just keep waiting for it to get there. (Not that I'm complaining that it's not there now...) Dr. M said Sunday (tomorrow) I should really start to feel it... She did the scan Friday, which I was happy about. M had to be at work early so was unable to be there and was sad to miss seeing Dr. M and being there for the scan. My lining was 9.8mm - she said they like to see at least 7 for transfers, so I'm golden there. It should get even thicker - the better for my little em-babies to implant into.
I also realized something with all the timing of things. I kept worrying that I would get pregnant and we would still be in this house and not have space, that we would still be trying to sell it with a newborn, and I wouldn't get to decorate a nursery because we had to keep it neutral, etc. etc. but... now I'm glad its working out this way. I just keep thinking, well, if we have two then that could change a lot of things for us... the house we buy (and where and how big and how much), if I'm going to work, the car we buy, everything (especially if there's even a question of me going back to work). And so I realized that maybe the timing IS perfect because we need to know how many babies we're going to have right now before doing all these big things. Because, and I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but this will be the only round of IVF we do. We can't afford to do this again. If we have frozen, we might try for siblings, but we're both ok with only having one child. So unless we get two with this one shot, we most likely won't have another. Which is kinda sad, but makes a big difference in future plans. So if the universe wants the timing to be so we know what to better plan for... I'm ok with that. But it better get it's butt in gear once we know.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I'm really starting to feel the bloat though. Man, oh man, with the increased appetite and now bloating, I can't even imagine what I'm going to feel like in the next several days. Don't get me wrong - I've been expecting this, and right now I don't feel worse than I have for my IUI's, but knowing its going to get worse has me a little worried. I know I'll survive though. And I know feeling like this is nothing compared to what I'll be getting out of this deal and will gladly put up with it. I just hope I can find pants to wear that keep me comfy during this process lol. I have a feeling my pajama pants and yoga pants will be getting a full run during the next couple of weeks.
And, I have to admit, I am super excited for Big Brother to start!!! Whee! I love that show. Poor M - he abhors all reality TV and these coming weeks will be a nightmare for him as I obsess about it. Oh well, at least I can watch the Tivo'ed episodes at home while he works.
I want to also thank the people who read this blog and leave comments - I appreciate all of your support throughout this process and reading your comments really brighten my day - so thank you!!
Oh, and I guess I should update the dog/house situation... We had a showing Monday and she liked it a lot and said she wanted to bring someone else by to see it again... we'll see. My hopes are no higher than the tops of my feet about this. But at least we had a showing. That's something. It seems like all of that has really slowed. We aren't even running out of flyers like we used to. It's discouraging, but I know it'll sell eventually (hopefully) and if not, I know we can live here without problem, until it does. Poor Leinie on the other hand... her UTI hasn't completely gone away. She finished off the round of meds over the weekend, and I noticed her squatting multiple times Monday and Tuesday, a sure sign that her infection is not completely gone. I called and the Dr. gave her another round of antibiotics. The problem is, the bacteria (e. coli) is very resistant to medicine which doesn't actually kill the bacteria - it just keeps them from reproducing. So until all the bacteria completely die off, as soon as the medicine stops, remaining bacteria will start growing again. Because she's so young, she can't be on a broader spectrum antibiotic that would kill the bacteria, and her immune and urinary systems are immature and unable to fight as hard to get rid of the infection. So, I'm glad she's back on the meds and I hope this round will wipe out all the remaining bacteria once and for all. Otherwise, we're looking at a very expensive, very time consuming process that will delay her potty training even more.
Monday, July 6, 2009
I went in this morning to get my blood work checked (my mom came too because I thought we'd get a scan - half an hour after waiting, I was told that I wasn't going to get one... grr... they could have told me a little sooner.) So we'll see where we are and when my next check is. I'll update that info when I get it.
The weekend was nice. Hanging out with everyone in San Ann-tone was a lot of fun. We spent a lot of time by the pool and ate a lot of food, like we normally do when we go down there. We went to a little parade and ate homemade ice cream... see that? With the food there - yeah... a lot of food. I got a slight burn, even wearing SPF 70 sunscreen, but nothing too bad. Leinie had a blast with her brother, who Amy brought down as well. It was awesome for her to have a playmate - they kept each other occupied all weekend. It was super sweet to see her after he left though - she kept looking for him all over the house.
Now I have to go look for a job... I really need one, but, at the same time, am terrified of getting one. Terr-i-fied. I have no idea what I will be doing. At least with an office job, I kinda learned as I went, but this kind of thing is just completely different. And I'm a little freaked. Ugh, so now I need to figure out how to fake my way to actually getting a job and then fake my way along until I know what I'm doing.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I thought I was just really hot at night and couldn't find the right temperature. Until I realized that I did this with Clomid and M isn't experiencing this. So. Yeah. Night sweats. Fun.
I thought I was just really hungry a lot. I didn't really notice that I had a super increased appetite until I realized that I was eating like a pig, and always hungry again shortly thereafter. Because the weight I'll gain from the bloat of the other drugs isn't enough, thank you Lupron for the extra poundage I'm surely carrying.
Monday night I went out with Amy. I figured it would be my last night out on the town because I should start stims on July 4. Those first couple of drinks made me a little nauseous. But, trooper that I am, I got past it and had a good time. Didn't get stupid drunk. Barely got intoxicated, I would say. My tab was $8. I mean, come on, that's nothing. Drank shitloads of water. Felt fine when I woke up. Then later that afternoon had a monster headache a stomach so messed up I was afraid to be too far from a toliet. So, thank you, Lupron. I didn't know you didn't like alcohol. Won't be doing that again.
I go in tomorrow morning for my suppression check. Everything seems to be going according to plan. I started what feels like a mini period yesterday, to my surprise. I thought my body would fuck that up too, and I'd be one of the weirdo patients who didn't have a period coming off the birth control. But I do! Which is perfect. I just hope everything goes according to plan for this cycle. I really, really do.