Beta #2 this AM

And it's up. To 356.

I... am....

finally able to breathe today.

But still feel very super duper cautious. Like I said before, I need to see the heartbeat. I need it to be there. And then and only then will I feel ... good.

My symptoms are very few: I notice I'm drinking more water and I have slight cramping. Kinda like AF is on her way. I can also smell more strongly I think. Maybe. But no sore boobies. And nothing that really says - wow - I MUST be pregnant now.

We go back again Tuesday. For more bloodwork. Today I got big hugs and smiles from everyone, which I accepted with anxiousness and nervousness and tight, tiny little smiles back. I was glad the clinic was kinda empty otherwise I would have felt bad for the other patients there. I love those people. I go down to one patch of Vivelle on Saturday. And that's all she wrote.

Well not all. I really appreciate everyone who has thought of me during this journey. Thank you for all the good thoughts and well wishes and everything. I'll say it again: this part is the scariest part. I'm still so freaked out and scared. But all is good for now.

So Apparently my "Feelings" Are Shit

Because BFP. 126.

Not the highest, but I've had higher and miscarried. Not the lowest either, it's higher than the other miscarriage. I don't think I'll truly believe it until I see the heartbeat. This is the scariest part of this entire process.

Please send good thoughts/prayers/vibes/whatever you want that this one sticks. And thanks.

Beta This AM

I don't really know what to think. I told M before going in (as he was giving me my shot) that I felt that it was fair that he know how I was feeling, since it's not like he has a clue either way about this working, that I didn't feel like this worked. I told him, that I could be wrong, and I hoped that I was, but I just didn't feel it. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, or trying to "prepare myself" - I just don't feel it. I mean, I guess I have some symptoms, but I don't have key others like sore boos/nips and getting up to pee during the night. I know every pregnancy is different and I pray to God (and I'm not religious) that this is a pregnancy, but ... *sigh*... I guess we'll see. I haven't tested, so I really have no clue other than my "feeling" so, I'll update later when I get the news.

Big Fat Doofus

Is me. See, I forgot that I was supposed to start the Vivelle patches yesterday. Arguably the easiest of all fertility meds. They're no mess, completely painless... I mean. So. Easy. And I forgot them. Until I woke up last night after another terrible, anxiety-ridden nightmare with heartburn and hot flashes and a need to pee (I forgot those lovely "symptoms" in yesterday's post) and realized that I was supposed to start them. So I slapped those puppies on at 3:31am. And then fretted and couldn't go back to sleep. And once I did, had another nightmare. Am preparing myself and trying not to stress, but lying wide awake last night in bed, trying not to think about it... well, let's just say last night was not a pleasant one. At least the patches are supposed to help with the hot flashes, so maybe tonight I'll sleep better.

Nothing Doing

So, let's see... not much going on here! Still! I know, so boring. Why blog about nothing? I've been taking it easy, trying not to do anything to elevate my heart rate, still doing shots twice a day... I've been crampy. And that's about it. I don't notice that I get tired early - of course since I sleep from 10-10:30 to 9-9:30 there really is no reason to get tired, but it's one of the pregnancy symptoms I look for. I feel pretty hot a lot it seems (not that this means anything), and my boobs do NOT (I repeat DO NOT) hurt. They are not sore. So, I don't really know what to think, to be honest. I'm trying not to think anything. What will be will be. I can't control what will happen. *Rinse and repeat**Rinse and repeat*... No stressing allowed.

Freeze Report

Only two made it to freeze. Again, I know how lucky we are to have any to freeze, but considering there were so many, I'm kinda sad so many didn't make it. Nothing much to report here. I've extended my bed rest until M gets home from work. I figure it couldn't hurt anything.

The PIO shots seem to have gotten better. I've been icing down the area first, and the burn doesn't seem to last very long, which I'm thankful for. The Lovenox though - damn! That burns. And burns for like 30 minutes after the injection. At least the Menopur only burned for a minute or two. But, no complaints, really.

Hmm... guess that's it! It's pretty boring around here. I guess I won't really have any news until my beta next Wednesday. Whew! I have to say - one advantage to IVF and a 5dt is that the 2ww is really short! I only have one week left!

Transfer was Yesterday

So, technically, I'm pregnant! With two embryos!

We got the grades on our transfer - 4AA and 4AA! As Dr. M said there were two superstars in the bunch, so we transferred those.

So what do you think? A boy and a girl? Both boys? Both girls? These two are currently residing in my lovely ute, hopefully snuggling in for the long haul. We're still waiting to hear how many will make it to freeze. We know that two will definitely be going (4BB's) but there are 5 others that could also make it. We'll see. At this point, I'm just thrilled with the two and know I'm lucky to have that many.

Below is a picture of my uterus, and circled in green are the superstars and an air bubble. Woohoo! My uterus is on the Internet! The green arrow is pointing to my very full bladder, for which there is a very embarrassing story to go along with.

Embarrassing Bladder Story: So we do the transfer. It's easy as pie. My cervix is a cooperating rockstar. I feel no pain except the very pressing need to pee. Which is normal - they do that on purpose. So I drank all the water I'm supposed to. My appointment is at 1:15. We don't get seen until 1:40. Um... they realize I'm sitting here with a full bladder, no? But, I survive and hold it. We got talk to Dr. M. I get changed and we get all set up. Transfer, yay! Then they catheterize me. To relieve my bladder. Let me tell you, this is not the same comfort as peeing (although the catheter part itself - not as painful as I'd anticipated). The act of peeing - well, its just better. But, soon enough, my bladder empties and they leave me and M in there - I'm supposed to chill horizontally for an hour. Well, when I drink a bunch of water like that, before long, I have to pee again. So, before I know it, I'm sitting there with a full bladder - again. But can't get up. So they bring me a bed pan. It's not an old fashioned kind - it's a smaller kind. She positions it and tells me to let loose. So I do. I pee. And pee. And pee. And feel so. much. better. 5 minutes later, I'm peeing again! Man, water just goes through me. So she comes to take it away. And I realize, that I have peed all over myself. There is pee up my back, soaking my shirt. I have no idea what happened. Did the bed pan malfunction? Was it not situated correctly? Was it overflowing? I don't know but do know that I walked out of there with a hospital gown and my pants on. I think people think I was escaping or something.

So that's the story of my transfer. I go in for a blood test Wednesday the 29th to see what has happened. I have to admit, now that they're in me, I feel all responsible. Before, someone else was taking care of them and making sure that nothing horrible happened, but now its all me and my bed resting self, who is supposed to be at a 45 degree angle. Not 90. No strain on the ute. Maybe it needs another Valium?

Embie Update

We have some bona fide rock stars on our hands! All 16 of our embryos are still growing. All of them, to which I say: Wahoo!! It totally made what would have been a sad day. So now we officially have a 5 day transfer on Monday.

Today I spent the day with my mom and sister wedding dress shopping. After nearly 12 hours, we finished and I came back home. A got a dress. My mom and I got dresses. This might be one of the most dressy wedding the Justice of the Peace has seen. M was surprised because he thought he'd be able to wear jeans. Ha! A's dress really is very pretty though and I know she'll make a beautiful bride when she gets married on the 27th.

Keeping busy really helped keep my mind off the sad landmark that today should have been: the estimated delivery date for my second pregnancy. I want to note and acknowledge that here because its important that I remember these dates and remember what I lost and the journey I've traveled. I can only hope that the losses we've suffered have brought us closer to our live baby, who I hope to meet soon.

First PIO shot

and let me say what no one else has... Ow, ow, fuckity ow! M gave it to me before he headed off to work and I thought I'd be able to go right back to sleep. Well, no. I'm here instead with heating pad on my ass/hip trying to make the injection site stop hurting. It just kinda burns. And I've tried really massaging it in. I've tried the heating pad thing (well am in the process of, but it doesn't seem to be helping a lot). So what do I do now? I'm so NOT looking forward to tomorrow morning and the next 8 weeks of mornings.

Also, I want to send some loooove to our 16 embryos - I hope you guys are growing big and strong and fast for us! As M said this morning, we're doing everything we can to give you a nice home; please stay with us a while.

Fert Report In!

So I feel better today. Not anywhere near 100%, but better. Like standing up and sitting back down aren't a big accomplishment accompanied with grunts and moans that take a couple of minutes. I got up to pee like 5 times last night. I hope that means the fluid intake is where it should be. Also, peeing? Better too. I'm still feeling a lot of pressure, but for the most part the pain is manageable. And I've shunned the heating pad because its like 105 degrees out there today and I'm already hot just from taking the dog out.

I got my phone call this morning on how many embies we have. Out of the 32 eggs retrieved, 26 were mature. Which is great. Fantastic! But, I have to admit, I was a little sad about those 6 eggs that weren't fully mature. I feel like they didn't have a chance to be all they could be. But! 26! No feeling sorry about that at all! That's an amazing number. I'm SO thankful so many were mature. Out of the 26 that were mature though, only 16 fertilized normally. Which - again - I'm thrilled about the number! That's a huge number and I know how lucky I am and I'm extremely thankful my body at least did this right. But at the same time, I'm a little sad about the 10 that were busts. But, this is the great thing about IVF - I'd rather these 10 go bust now than be doing an IUI where the 3 eggs released potentially all go bust/fertilize incorrectly and I end up miscarrying again. And, it's not like we don't have an awesome amount of embryos now that are growing for us. I really, really hope they all grow normally and we have a lot to freeze.

We have a Saturday appointment in case we do a 3 day transfer (and I found out the difference between a 3 day and a 5 day (according to Nurse D): a 3 day transfer happens when there aren't a lot of embryos to choose from. If there are a lot, they wait the two days to see which show themselves to be the best and the worst and then transfer the best back.) Nurse D said she was 95% sure that we would go to Monday, so I hope that's the case. She's been mostly right about a lot of things, so I hope this one goes in her favor.

So that's about all. I've been sleeping my ass off, chilling on the couch and reading and watching TV... I need to go catch up with everyone on my favorite board. Thanks to everyone who is thinking of us and our little embies! I'll keep you posted when I get news...

32

Eggs. Retrieved.



Holy fraking hell. I really thought I was just way over-hoping when I said I wanted 30. I figured I would be a good candidate to get a lot what with the PCOS. But wowza. I know that 32 is an amazing number and I'm incredibly lucky to get so many. I just hope a good number of them are mature, because Dr. M. didn't know after the procedure.



And also? Holy fucking hell. The pain. Oh my god. I woke up with a heating pad on me. Which, thank god. And then I cried like a big baby. I just wasn't really expecting it. At all. I didn't read or hear of anyone having shitloads of pain. I've been guzzling Tylenol (that's an exaggeration, but I've been taking it all day, as prescribed) and laying around with a heating pad. It's just incapacitating. I really hope tomorrow is better because my god. Just moving around hurts. And peeing hurts. And standing up. And sitting down. I think, when I don't move my body much at all, that feels best. I wonder if # of eggs retrieved has a correlation to pain? Will update tomorrow on how many embryos fertilized and are growing...

Holy Freaking Estrogen

It's 5152. Seriously. I asked how many eggs they are expecting to get and Nurse D said she'd be surprised if they got less than 20 and would expect 20-25. Which fits perfectly into my own expectations, but wow. I kinda thought I might be full of shit to expect that (I actually was hoping for 3o, but WILL NOT COMPLAIN if they get 20). They counted 12 mature this morning and 19 others. She said this was just an estimate, so I'm going to try and not pin all hopes on that number. I just gave myself another dose of Gonal-f. I can't even imagine how high my estrogen will be at the time of retrieval. Trigger at 9:30pm sharp for 8:00am Wednesday retrieval. Holy crap. This is really happening.

Scan this Morning...

and I'm triggering tonight! They said I had tons of growth and looked to be perfectly on track. I'm waiting to do my morning stim shot to see what my estrogen is, but my ovaries are nice and huge with lots and lots of follies and my lining was an awesome 14mm!!! Dr. M was right though - I definitely started to feel it yesterday, and man am I feeling it today! I slept poorly dreaming that I couldn't breathe very well from all the pressure in my abdomen (although I could breathe fine when I woke up). My subconscious must be working out all my anxieties. I suppose now I'll dream they only got one egg or something. I know the expectations I have for myself for the number of eggs we should get, and I know I'll be disappointed if we don't get a certain number... it seems like everyone else (my mom and M) thinks I'm crazy for thinking it. Oh well. So it looks like Wednesday will be the big day for retrieval which puts the transfer at next Monday. Whoo. It's really happening! I just hope I don't screw up any of the meds...

I'll update my estrogen level when I get it.

From Friday

I had another check Friday morning and my estrogen was 1671. Whoo-hoo! Everything looks like it's still on track. I'm not sure about the follie count, but it did seem to me that I didn't have as many measurable follies as I should. She counted maybe three on each ovary that was over 10, but then said there were around 12 more on each that was under. Which has me slightly worried, but there's not much I can do about it. I go back on Monday to see where we are then. I'm guessing I should be getting ready to trigger, and will most likely trigger Monday or Tuesday. I think its kinda funny that I am not triggering tonight like some people thought I would - I guess my body isn't as predictable as they thought. I'm not upset by any means - is there is any chance that stimming a little longer means more mature eggs of better quality (and I'm not saying that it does, in fact no one ever told me that, it's just something I feel to be true - I'd rather trigger on the average middle day than go at the earliest possible), I'll take it. So Monday we get a better idea.

I am definitely feeling pressure in my abdomen, in the ovary area almost all the time. The bloat isn't constantly bad - I feel it at certain times, but not always. I have to say, I really thought I'd be feeling worse by now. I guess I just prepared myself for the worst possible, and I just keep waiting for it to get there. (Not that I'm complaining that it's not there now...) Dr. M said Sunday (tomorrow) I should really start to feel it... She did the scan Friday, which I was happy about. M had to be at work early so was unable to be there and was sad to miss seeing Dr. M and being there for the scan. My lining was 9.8mm - she said they like to see at least 7 for transfers, so I'm golden there. It should get even thicker - the better for my little em-babies to implant into.

I also realized something with all the timing of things. I kept worrying that I would get pregnant and we would still be in this house and not have space, that we would still be trying to sell it with a newborn, and I wouldn't get to decorate a nursery because we had to keep it neutral, etc. etc. but... now I'm glad its working out this way. I just keep thinking, well, if we have two then that could change a lot of things for us... the house we buy (and where and how big and how much), if I'm going to work, the car we buy, everything (especially if there's even a question of me going back to work). And so I realized that maybe the timing IS perfect because we need to know how many babies we're going to have right now before doing all these big things. Because, and I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but this will be the only round of IVF we do. We can't afford to do this again. If we have frozen, we might try for siblings, but we're both ok with only having one child. So unless we get two with this one shot, we most likely won't have another. Which is kinda sad, but makes a big difference in future plans. So if the universe wants the timing to be so we know what to better plan for... I'm ok with that. But it better get it's butt in gear once we know.

Follow Up...

So my e2 this morning was 678. I am dropping my menopur dosage from 150iu to 75iu and keeping the Gonal the same at 150iu. I also forgot to mention my lining measurements this morning - it was 8mm, which he said was great for where I am right now. I go back in on Friday to see where we are! I'm thinking that Nurse D might be off a little - she was guessing a Saturday trigger for Monday ER, but I'm thinking I may go another day or two... I guess we'll see! If I do, I won't have any complaints - I'd like as many eggs to be as mature as possible. I just keep expecting my e2 to be in the 2000-3000 and it feels like I have a long way to go until then. But I seem to be getting there!

Ugh, Bloat

So I had another appointment today, complete with scan and bloodwork. I don't have my estrogen results yet (will update that later), but the scan was great! I had 35-40 follies total, with the largest ones being ~ 9-11mm (I cannot tell you how excited I am about the number of potential eggs I have!! Finally, something good about having PCOS! Now I just hope they all get good and mature and that all of the follies have eggs in them). Dr. H said everything looked perfect and that I was right on track.

I'm really starting to feel the bloat though. Man, oh man, with the increased appetite and now bloating, I can't even imagine what I'm going to feel like in the next several days. Don't get me wrong - I've been expecting this, and right now I don't feel worse than I have for my IUI's, but knowing its going to get worse has me a little worried. I know I'll survive though. And I know feeling like this is nothing compared to what I'll be getting out of this deal and will gladly put up with it. I just hope I can find pants to wear that keep me comfy during this process lol. I have a feeling my pajama pants and yoga pants will be getting a full run during the next couple of weeks.

And, I have to admit, I am super excited for Big Brother to start!!! Whee! I love that show. Poor M - he abhors all reality TV and these coming weeks will be a nightmare for him as I obsess about it. Oh well, at least I can watch the Tivo'ed episodes at home while he works.

I want to also thank the people who read this blog and leave comments - I appreciate all of your support throughout this process and reading your comments really brighten my day - so thank you!!

Oh, and I guess I should update the dog/house situation... We had a showing Monday and she liked it a lot and said she wanted to bring someone else by to see it again... we'll see. My hopes are no higher than the tops of my feet about this. But at least we had a showing. That's something. It seems like all of that has really slowed. We aren't even running out of flyers like we used to. It's discouraging, but I know it'll sell eventually (hopefully) and if not, I know we can live here without problem, until it does. Poor Leinie on the other hand... her UTI hasn't completely gone away. She finished off the round of meds over the weekend, and I noticed her squatting multiple times Monday and Tuesday, a sure sign that her infection is not completely gone. I called and the Dr. gave her another round of antibiotics. The problem is, the bacteria (e. coli) is very resistant to medicine which doesn't actually kill the bacteria - it just keeps them from reproducing. So until all the bacteria completely die off, as soon as the medicine stops, remaining bacteria will start growing again. Because she's so young, she can't be on a broader spectrum antibiotic that would kill the bacteria, and her immune and urinary systems are immature and unable to fight as hard to get rid of the infection. So, I'm glad she's back on the meds and I hope this round will wipe out all the remaining bacteria once and for all. Otherwise, we're looking at a very expensive, very time consuming process that will delay her potty training even more.

Update

So my e2 is 228; Nurse D said that was perfect. Exactly where I should be. Not too high, not too low. So yay! I go back Wednesday for another e2 test and a scan. She said they would be looking at my lining then, which I shouldn't have a problem with (knock on wood). I also clarified that I would definitely be getting a scan then. She laughed and said that because I had been there for so long, they all just assume I've been through it before and know what to expect, and that they forget this is my first IVF cycle. My dosage is staying the same at 2 units (150iu) of Gonal in the morning, and 2 units of Menopur, with 5iu of Lupron and the dexamethasone at night. So far everything looks like its going perfectly for this cycle. I just hope it stays that way.

So Far, So Good!

My suppression check was Thursday. I had a follicle that was close to being too big (9.3mm; 10 would have been the limit) but my blood work came back within limits (estrogen was 55; 70 was the limit), so I got to start stims on the fourth (Wahoo! Independence Day! Freedom for ovaries and eggs! No, just kidding... But seriously, I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend.) So, starting stims was exciting... in a very anti-climatic way. Just more shots. The mixing was interesting and fun, but the anxiety of making sure I was doing it right and making sure M got his meds every time he was supposed to kind of made it not as exciting. And it doesn't really feel like anything is very different than a normal IUI cycle. Of course since I stayed up all night worried about the IM shots, I know how different this cycle is going to be, it just doesn't feel like it yet.

I went in this morning to get my blood work checked (my mom came too because I thought we'd get a scan - half an hour after waiting, I was told that I wasn't going to get one... grr... they could have told me a little sooner.) So we'll see where we are and when my next check is. I'll update that info when I get it.

The weekend was nice. Hanging out with everyone in San Ann-tone was a lot of fun. We spent a lot of time by the pool and ate a lot of food, like we normally do when we go down there. We went to a little parade and ate homemade ice cream... see that? With the food there - yeah... a lot of food. I got a slight burn, even wearing SPF 70 sunscreen, but nothing too bad. Leinie had a blast with her brother, who Amy brought down as well. It was awesome for her to have a playmate - they kept each other occupied all weekend. It was super sweet to see her after he left though - she kept looking for him all over the house.

Now I have to go look for a job... I really need one, but, at the same time, am terrified of getting one. Terr-i-fied. I have no idea what I will be doing. At least with an office job, I kinda learned as I went, but this kind of thing is just completely different. And I'm a little freaked. Ugh, so now I need to figure out how to fake my way to actually getting a job and then fake my way along until I know what I'm doing.

Ah, Lupron

At the beginning, there wasn't much in the side effects department. Now, I am sorry to say, I feel like I was mislead. Night sweats. Increased appetite. Aversion to alcohol. Headache.

I thought I was just really hot at night and couldn't find the right temperature. Until I realized that I did this with Clomid and M isn't experiencing this. So. Yeah. Night sweats. Fun.

I thought I was just really hungry a lot. I didn't really notice that I had a super increased appetite until I realized that I was eating like a pig, and always hungry again shortly thereafter. Because the weight I'll gain from the bloat of the other drugs isn't enough, thank you Lupron for the extra poundage I'm surely carrying.

Monday night I went out with Amy. I figured it would be my last night out on the town because I should start stims on July 4. Those first couple of drinks made me a little nauseous. But, trooper that I am, I got past it and had a good time. Didn't get stupid drunk. Barely got intoxicated, I would say. My tab was $8. I mean, come on, that's nothing. Drank shitloads of water. Felt fine when I woke up. Then later that afternoon had a monster headache a stomach so messed up I was afraid to be too far from a toliet. So, thank you, Lupron. I didn't know you didn't like alcohol. Won't be doing that again.

I go in tomorrow morning for my suppression check. Everything seems to be going according to plan. I started what feels like a mini period yesterday, to my surprise. I thought my body would fuck that up too, and I'd be one of the weirdo patients who didn't have a period coming off the birth control. But I do! Which is perfect. I just hope everything goes according to plan for this cycle. I really, really do.