My New Favorite Acronym

So there are a lot of things I hate about IF. Part of those things are the acronyms associated with bodily functions. Especially AF. Aunt Flo. It's weird and I hate it. But today I was reading a blog. And my period will now be referred to as FP or MFP. As in Fucking Period or My Fucking Period. Sounds so much better. I don't need something that requires sticking cotton wads up in my junk to be named after a relative. My Fucking Period sounds a lot more like what it really is.

So. My impending IVF. I'm so excited for it to start. This is my proposed, please-god-please-let-this-happen plan. That only myself really knows about. Well, kinda the RE's office, but probably not as specifically. And I don't really know everything that will happen, I just have timing guesses. So I start Provera. I get MFP. I have the hysteroscopy. It's clear and I re-apply for Shared Risk. It's approved. I start BCP and stay on them for 21 days. During those 21 days I do all the classes and whatever I need to do to get ready for the actual IVF. Then I start stimming, etc, etc (other meds and stuff I'm not super clear on except that I'll have to do PIO shots which freak the bajeebies out of me)... egg retrieval, lots and lots of good eggs, high fertilization percentage, great embryos, transfer beautiful, high grade embryos (with leftovers to freeze) and then STAY pregnant! With super high beta numbers! So there's no worry! Seems easy to me!

SICK of being sick

I made it back from Wisconsin without getting sick. One day in Houston and BAM! sore throat, stuffy nose, coughing - just MUCUS everywhere. I can't breathe. It hit me in a day and I felt horrible. I'm on the mend, but still coughing and gagging and all stopped up. I guess its a good thing we aren't on a cycle right now or else I wouldn't be able to take anything and I don't know what I'd do. Probably die.

Marc's out of town so here I sit blogging with candles lit, my kitties near me and Monday Night Football on. What the hell is wrong with me? Watching football when it's two teams I don't care about and Marc's not here.

Today I was accepted into the ACT alternative certification program. Yay! Classes start in January and until then I have my book and can read ahead if I want. I'm already signed up to take the TExES Content exam next week. The program people say that if I pass that I can get a probationary certificate and start teaching before classes even start! How cool would that be? I'm also planning on getting ESL certified. I need something to give me an edge against all those fresh out of college bitches. And here in Texas, ESL certified teachers are high in demand.

I'm also a leetle bit excited because today is cycle day 17. Which is pretty much halfway to day 35. Which is when I can start the Provera and get this cycle going! I'm so nervous and apprehensive about moving to IVF. All the new meds, the new procedures with IV's, all the hope and heart that will be going into this cycle. And the money! To say the least!

This weekend we hung out with our good friends who we haven't seen in a while. Our best friends were there with their 2 year old. He is just the most adorable thing ever. And I was his favorite that night. I know it was just for that night and babies are finicky, but it just made me feel so good. Especially on the same night when I had people looking at me with question marks in their eyes when I pulled out the Jack Daniels and fixed myself a drink. And when Marc's coworker texted that she had just had her baby.

I've been feeling pretty emotional lately and had myself a good cry the other day after listening to my IF theme song So Hard by The Dixie Chicks.

It felt like a given
Something a woman is born to do
A natural ambition
See a reflection of me and you
And I’d feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn’t give
And could you be happy
If life wasn’t how we pictured it

The lyrics that apply to IF and the words that I feel so closely. The words that I mean to say to Marc every cycle but can't. But still feel. How do others cope with the guilt?

And since the mood of this post has turned pretty somber, I'm going to end it. No point in bringing my make believe readers down.

Long time coming

I've been busy. Very busy. Vacationing and all tends to bring out the busy-ness. Even for the unemployed.

So the last IUI did not work, which should be no surprise to anyone. I started my period VERY early this time. Two weeks from my IUI would have been Wednesday, Oct 15. I was scheduled for my beta on the 14th. I started spotting Friday the 10th and had full blown AF by Saturday. And, to this day, I'm still spotting. Oh, yes. It was heavy and clot-ty. My theory that my uterus was contracting still holds. I was sore the entire rest of the week and have banned myself and Marc to pelvic rest to make sure this doesn't happen again. My paranoia is also up after this. Like I was meant to get pg with that IUI but for some reason my body said no. Bastard uterus. I don't really feel like there's an alternative explanation.

I went in on Monday to see if I could get another IUI in, even with my vacation from the 15th to the 20th. They would have let me, but lo and behold I had cysts. So, I'm now on a break cycle. Whoo-hoo. The next day I went in and spoke to Dr. McKenzie about IVF. Marc did not go with me (which resulted in a huge fight that evening) but we have decided to move forward with it. It will be EXPENSIVE. We applied for Shared Risk, but was told that we need another test before we are approved or not. So, as soon as I get my period, I'm going to call early and request a hysteroscopy, which will basically take a look around my ute and make sure there are no cysts or fibroids there. If there are, I will have to undergo surgery to have them removed. If its clear, which I'm praying it will be, we re-apply and wait to hear back from IntegraMed to see if we're approved. Then starts the fun stuff...

I'm quite ready to get this show on the road. I hope and figure that I'll have the ER and ET in between Christmas and New Years. We'll see what happens.

So, as I mentioned before, we also just got back from vacation! We went to Door County Wisconsin to a sweet B&B in Sister Bay for a while. It was awesome. We happened to be there during the Fall (Down Drunk) Fest, so there was plenty to do. We got to see a lighthouse, go to a vineyard and overall, just relax. We also got to do lots of shopping! It was a blast. Since our return Monday, I've been doing laundry and stocking up on groceries.

Today is also me and Marc's 3rd Anniversary. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have found my husband, who is the best person I know. I cannot wait to start a family with him and to grow and love him for many years to come. I love you, baby. Thank you for the past three wonderful years, for standing by my side and being there for me when I needed you, when I wanted you and even when I took advantage of you and behaved like a spoiled brat. Thank you for overlooking my flaws and loving me with them. Thank you for understanding me.

IUI, Pain and Hospital, Oh My!

So I had my IUI last Wednesday. It was pretty uneventful, except for some pretty bad cramping right after that lasted throughout the day. When I woke up the next day the cramps were mostly gone. Except for a weird feeling in the pelvic area and random strange twinges. But no big deal, right? Until last night when Marc and I had sexy time. As soon as I came, I had immediate, intense, searing, pains. I don't even know what they were. Just horrible, horrible pain that spanned from ovary to ovary, from above my belly button all the way down. It came in waves and was so bad I would cry. It was seriously like nothing I've ever experienced. Marc freaked. We ended up in the Emergency Room after a phone call into the nurse at HIVF, who was no help. After two and a half hours the pain finally stopped coming as frequently and the waves stopped. They tried to get blood from me at the hospital, but missed, and then left it for later. Fortunately, I was able to escape the blood work as I was ordered to go to get an ultrasound. They didn't find anything that would explain the pain, and all they offered was pain medicine. Considering the pain was better, I denied the meds. I am holding out hope that whatever happened to me has no effect on the IUI. I am hoping and praying. Fervently. I still have no explanation as to what happened to me or why. I still have pain and am moving slowly, but it is nowhere near where it was. I can live with this. I've confined myself to my bed and am hoping that the pain I'm feeling now is just residual muscle ache from all the pain from last night and that staying in bed will help keep things in place.

On top of all that, I feel like the world is against me getting pregnant. This time I took the Sudafed and Claritin while taking Gonal, which possibly wasted some of the effectiveness of the Gonal. Then, I develop a bad eye infection. I had to go on eye antibiotics. And my allergies are going crazy (which led to the eye infection). And I can't take anything. Now this. The last IUI ended in miscarriage, after a staph infection on the outer lip of my vagina immediately following the IUI. And, when I tested negative for that IUI, I took allergy medicine, when really, I was pregnant. A big no-no.

I seriously can't help but wonder what could be next. Either way this IUI goes, I don't think it will be a positive outcome. And I hate being negative. But after all of this...