Pictures!

Edited: I deleted all the stuff about the house stuff because I didn't want that bad stuff grouped with baby pics. If you missed it, sorry. I'll probably retell it later.

And pictures:


This is Baby B who is completely upside down.


And this is Baby A. We haven't gotten group shots since the 6 week mark. Still so tiny and small. Hard to believe these beans are causing me so much bloat and food issues. I can't wait until these beans look more like real babies. This week was better than before with the looking like babies versus looking like blobs. Also, I made my OB appointment - it's next Friday. I don't know if they're going to do vag cam scans, so who knows when my next set of pictures will be. I still haven't decided if I want to graduate myself from the RE, but am leaning towards it, if nothing but for the cost of the scans - $185. We get a discounted rate through our insurance, but we won't see that money for a while. We're going to be seriously budgeting from here on out with (knock on wood) a new house and twins on the way and all the costs that are associated with each.

8w1d

We had another scan yesterday and everything was good! A's HB was 179 and B's was 170... everything was pretty much on track. I got into trouble because I haven't made an appointment with an OB yet. I wanted to wait until after this appointment and was told to get an appointment ASAP. Opps. I'm switching OB's though, so I'm trying to research a good one. They gave me a recommendation of some doctors who are in their building, so that's nice. I have to look them up first. I liked my other one (she's the one who recommended me to my clinic) but she's a drive and now that I don't work over there, there's no reason for me to make the drive.

I'm hairy as a something-really-hairy right now and am fighting the urge to shave... BUT there hasn't been another bleeding episode!!!!!! (knock on wood) And the SCH shrunk a little. Whoo-hoo! My symptoms are still come and go, which never ceases to freak me out. Sleeping... is... a fight. I am tired, but just can't seem to sleep very well or very long. I had my first gag/dry heave the other day - just the toothbrush and water first thing in the morning, but still no barfing (yay!). But I am pretty queasy a lot and food is very iffy right now. I don't fit into my pants very well, but this could be from the donuts I've been eating (because OMG yummmmm).... or it could be because I've got two embryos-almost-fetuses in me. I'm a tall person (5'11") and *ahem* not thin (slightly overweight) so I thought for sure that I wouldn't show (not that I'm 'showing' cuz I'm not, but my pudge has definitely gotten bigger) or be busting out of clothes this soon, but I apparently am. Spandex is my friend. I don't know if this is normal? Or just super bloat?

M keeps asking me when I'm going to "get excited" about this. And I tell him I am excited, but I know what he means. I'm reserved. You can't have something taken away and hear all the awful stories and not think that it could happen to you. (TMI warning) Every over-abundance of cervical discharge sends me rushing into the bathroom or pulling down my pants (when alone) to check my underwear. Today is one of those days. But, as far as we've made it, as normal as everything looks, it's still just so early. I feel like time has gone by so slowly that it should be the 12th week, but man, I've got a whole month until then! I keep giving M deadlines like, past seven weeks, when we get to 10 weeks, when we're out of the first tri, then I'll relax. We'll (hopefully) see.

Pics: Coming soon (hopefully). M has to scan them in so they're digital. But he will. And then I'll put them up.

7w0d

And all is... good?

Can you believe it? We saw the heartbeats again today (A: 129 B: 134), and everyone is measuring on track. They are supposed to be the size of blueberries! Yum! There is a SCH though, but its apparently small. I'm still quite worried about it and google is my enemy. Hopefully everything will be fine.

I had yet another bleeding scare yesterday. It was about a two inch in diameter spot in my underwear when I stood up that was like watered down blood that increasingly got more bright red, but also less and less. M noticed a trend - I tend to bleed on days I shave my legs. I wonder if its something I do, some way I bend or twist in the shower? I don't know, but you can bet that I won't be shaving in the shower anytime soon. And hopefully we'll go a full week (or - dare I even hope it - more) without blood. That would be nice. Really, really nice.

We also had my mom and dad over for lunch Sunday and they are officially in the know about the embryos that are growing in my ute. They were super excited for us, although we warned about the earliness of everything. I think pictures drowned out our warnings.

Totally Stolen

But right now I need them. Success After a Loss Mantras:

-"Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."


-"I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise."


-"My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c."


-"Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you." We all know m/c and complications are not contagious!


- "Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot ‘jinx’ your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!


- "There is nothing I can do to prevent a m/c from happening. Worrying yourself sick doesn't prevent a m/c. And if (gods forbid)it were to happen again, I know I will survive."

The Chance at Hope

The post I originally wanted to write would have been full of hope. We passed our milestone yesterday and saw both babies heartbeats. We heard one, pumping away at a beautiful 103 bpm. We were joyous. Laughing, crying... we couldn't believe we landed on the good side of a percentage again. We told M's mom. We told our friends who knew we were pregnant already. We were so excited.

Maybe too excited.

I woke up with blood in my underwear. Blood, again. We've been to the RE's office for another scan, although by the time we got there, the bleeding had gone. Once again, no blood coming from the uterus and both babies are fine. *breathe* I can't begin to tell you how stressed and anxious these "episodes" have made me. I was sure I was losing them, each time. I still question everything I feel or don't feel. If I can just make it through this week. And then the next. M came home to take me to the doctor. He's my hero. I'm so glad he was there.

In good news, we got to see both babies, measure both heartbeats this time (A: 112; B: 99) and get more pictures. It's amazing to see the difference in growth in less than 24 hours. Right now they're a grain of rice. And I'm scared shitless, but so thankful everything seems to be good (for now).

And now, because I know you want to see, a picture from yesterday at 6w0d.

Scary night and an Update

So last night, I'm sitting on the couch, eating too much ice cream and I feel a gush. Go to the bathroom and all I see is bright red blood. A lot of it. I tell M that I'm bleeding. It takes a second for him to understand. I have him call the on call nurse at the clinic. And she tells me to skip the Lovenox and baby aspirin and take it easy and stay hydrated. I make an appointment to come in this morning for a scan.

I didn't sleep. I cried all night long, sure I was losing this baby. My third miscarriage. The blood kept coming, with waves of pain and cramping in my back and abdomen. I passed a few clots and thought this was it.

We went to the clinic and got a scan. I'm only 5w3d today. But, good news. No bleeding from the uterus. I couldn't believe it. And, there are two sacs. M kept saying I can't believe you're doing this to me.

I can't believe I'm not miscarrying them. But as happy as I am about there being two, its doubly freak-out-ness now. Because if I do miscarry, now I know I'll be losing two.

I'm still so freaked out and scared. I'm still cramping. My back still hurts and I still have dark brown blood coming out. At least it isn't bright red. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We still have a long way to go and a lot can happen.

Tempting fate, yet agian

This time it's because I bought a pregnancy book. What to Expect (otherwise known as WTEWYE) seemed to be the popular choice, so I just went with that. I don't own any kind of pregnancy book (something M was surprised to hear) and was nervous in the store buying it. It was an odd feeling; half of me kinda felt like a fraud and the other half was praying that buying it wouldn't be the start of something bad happening.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm scared. It's scary. I'm freaked. There's nothing to measure anything with right now. My symptoms come and go. I read some things (like headaches that last longer than a couple of hours - call your doc! or Back pain - signs of an impending miscarriage! or If you've had more than two miscarriages, you have a 40% chance of miscarrying again) and I freak out, and then remember that I've also read that headaches are normal in the first and third tri because of all the hormones and that back pain is also normal... (I don't know of any counter-argument against the m/c statistic, but I try not to think about it.) Because I don't have anything happening until next week, I peed on a stick this morning to see if the line would pop up right away and to see how dark it was. And it popped and was super dark - darker than the control. So that made me feel better - my little at home un-scientific test.

I'm also getting excited. M seems to think that I should be. That I should allow myself to be. That positive thinking will lead to a positive outcome. But I wanted to wait until I saw a heartbeat. I know that seeing a heartbeat isn't the end all be all of a healthy pregnancy, but I've never gotten that far and it's a big milestone to me. So I'm going to try it. Allowing myself to be happy. I'm going to try to let go of some bullshit superstitions I find myself clinging to (no cutting fingernails, waxing eyebrows or painting toenails - bet you didn't know what a super freak I was, huh?) I'm also going to try to stop qualifying everything I think in my head with "Well, maybe. Bad things happen all the time." I'm going to try to think of the good things we could see at next week's ultrasound... like twins :) and a yolk sac, with fetal pole in my uterus and everything looking great and normal and maybe a heartbeat (I did ask Nurse D what they wanted to see next week and she said the chances of seeing a heartbeat was 40%. I hope I'm on the lucky side of that percentage). But it's going to be hard.

So it'll either be a really happy birthday, or a really shitty one

Because August 12 is when my first ultrasound is. And my birthday is the 14th. So... yeah. I'm kinda freaked out because they didn't run a beta today, they just checked my estrogen to see if I was good to come off the patches, and apparently I am. Good. And coming off the patches. But no beta. They said they don't run them a third time if everything looked good before. And since my number more than doubled, they're going to assume that everything is gravy.

I'm just worried.

And now it feels like a long, long time to wait. At that u/s I should be 6w0d exactly. I don't know if they're expecting to see a heartbeat or not (but I'm pretty sure they are. Well, I hope so. Or, I should say, I hope we see one then. Otherwise I think it'll be another week of waiting.) I'm also worried because I feel a very noticeable lack of symptoms this fine day. My boobs didn't hurt this morning. Still no nighttime peeing. I wasn't really hungry this morning. And... my back hurts a lot and I'm having sharp pains in my lower abdomen. So. Yeah.

Why can't this be easy? Why can't I be like 24 weeks right now? Why can't I be less whiny and scared and freaked about all of this?

I won an Award!

Woot Woot! Thanks Jackie!

So now I have to follow the rules. (copied from Jackie) The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. (I'm cheating a bit here - I'm just going to put some IF blogs I love)

Please bear with me, as I've never listed and linked to blogs before... so here goes, in no particular order!

1. Jeanna's Motherhood Journey
2. ~Baby Manatee~
3. Maybe If You Just Relax
4. my acronyms give me character
5. http://nothowiplanned.blogspot.com/
6. http://peardream.blogspot.com/
7. The Fertility Project
8. Who Says Life is Fair?
9. Bella and her Fella
10. Blog Shmog
11. Don't Stop Believin'
12. The Journey is Not The Destination
13. The roller coaster of infertility
14. A Little Star of our Own
15. Peachy
16. Your maybe not so Average Twins-After-Pregnancy-After-Infertility Blog
17. Three Cheers for Babies
18. http://babbsbabytrail.blogspot.com/
19. A Foxy Family Blog (no link because its private)

Ok, well hopefully that worked. You ladies are all lovely and I love reading your blogs.

In other news... there is none. I'm starving a lot. And getting full faster. My boobs are getting sore. I still am cramping. My back hurts. (TMI) My pee smells weird. Chocolate gives me heartburn (M made chocolate chip cookies for me and the first bite I knew I would be hit with it. And I was). I'm constantly exhausted, but sleeping like shit. (Last night I ate half a bag of Skittles (which I normally don't reach for - now love) and then laid awake for an hour, with my heart pounding trying not to think 'things', and failing miserably. I think it was a sugar rush?) Oh, yeah... and the hotness. Especially at night.

I'm still scared shitless. I ordered more PIO and Lovenox, so I kinda feel like I'm tempting fate here. Tomorrow I go in for more blood work. They're slowly 'detoxing' me from the estrogen patches (I can't think of the right phrase, but you get the idea.)

ETA: I have had a headache since last night and am starting to freak. I need some good vibes. Headaches happen, right?