Blog? What Bl... oh. Yeah.

So yes, I'm alive, dear blog-o-mine. I know what you' thinking - that now, I'm all of a sudden too good for you. I go off to New Orleans and have a fabulous time and then come back and don't post and completely forget about you. But! NO! I'm not! I'm back! Here! Writing! See me tap-tap-tapping on the little keys? So, from where I left off *ahem* two weeks ago, we left for NO on Thursday morning. I was pretty busy at work just trying to get everything finished in time for the big trip. We had a great time in NO, doing all sorts of awesome touristy things, like eating and drinking and walking and a leetle bit of shopping (no, seriously - I didn't buy a whole lot). But the eating and drinking - yeah. There was lots of that.

Thursday we get in and go to our hotel to unload - we find out we've been given rooms that join together and that have balconies overlooking Bourbon St - awesome! We take a few minutes of down time and then head out for lunch. We stopped at Pat O'Briens for a later morning hurricane and proceeded to Port of Call where we had a Monsoon and great burgers. We then went to Razoo's where we stayed for most of the day. I danced and drank and drank and drank. We were in pretty early (after a stop at Mango's for pizza - I think) at around 11pm, but after a long day of partying and only getting 4 hours of sleep the night before - I was DONE. Unfortunately, our room overlooked Bourbon St. So sleep, the entire weekend was something I desired a lot more of.

Friday we ate at some cafe (breakfast was meh). We walked around Jackson Square, went down to the Canal St shops, ate lunch at Drago's, stopped at Harrah's and just took it easy. That night we went out and there was bull riding and more Mango's Pizza.

Saturday we were toast. I was so sore from Thursday (seriously - I don't understand how your body can ache so badly - I felt as though I'd been beat up) that after Friday, I didn't want to move. We went down to the Garden District to sight see and took a trolley back to our hotel. Amy was pretty sick that day, so she stayed back, except when it was time to eat! We went to the Acme Oyster House - which was fabulous. I have a new love for etouffee. I need to find me a place in Houston that has good etouffee because man - that stuff rocked. We flew back early Sunday morning and immediately had to clean the house for a showing (that was brutal) that ended up being cancelled (even worse). We ate lunch and went over to my folks' for my dad's and brother's birthdays. That was fun although I was exhausted. I think I ghost walked through work on Monday and Tuesday.

Marc had to leave to go to Tucson Tuesday afternoon. His grandfather died Wednesday night in his sleep. He just got back into town this Saturday and was glad to be home! I wish I could have gone to Tucson to be with Marc, Amy and the family, but couldn't take all that time off so soon after being gone. I should have left. I feel guilty about that and felt left out and pretty lonely the entire time Marc was gone. I know there's nothing I could have done for Marc, except be there. But I wish I had gone for a day or two.

So that leads us to today. The weekend was nice and relaxing. We went to Alex and Jen's Saturday after Marc got back into town, which was nice because we hadn't been there in a while. Sunday we caught up on TV we'd missed, went to the grocery store and just relaxed.

Today happens to be my CD 35. I POAS and got a negative, so I'm calling the RE's to get my prescription for Provera and we get to start this all over again, except with a higher dosage of Clomid. Hopefully this will work! I really do not want to end up having IVF. So, here's to this cycle!

Sleeeeeeep

I slept a lot this weekend. A LOT. Marc, Amy and I went out to The Old Brick Tavern last Friday and got our drink on. Man, did we drink a lot. I was hungover something fierce Saturday getting ready for the open house - which turned out pretty well - yay! We had several groups of people come by while we went out to eat and dropped our taxes off at the post office and drove around some. Marc and I both were horribly afraid that no one would show, but we got good comments on everything except the "problem" area we knew we 'd get comments about - the carpet. But, it went pretty well! I then came home and took what I thought was a short nap, that ended up being a 4 and a half hour nap. I didn't wake up again until 8:00!! I then was awake until around 1am then went to bed and slept until 9:30-10:00! That's a hell of a lot of sleep. So it didn't really feel like I did anything this weekend. I was in a pretty bad mood, too. I don't know why, but I was just in this funk I couldn't seem to break out of. Ugh. I still feel a little blah today, but not so bad. Poor Marc.

Ready, Set, Not

So this week has been horrible already. I went to the doctor on Monday for a checkup to see how my follicles were growing. They aren't. So the cycle was cancelled.

From what they said, no growth of follicles means that the likelihood of ovulation is very slim. I'm totally bummed out. Depressed. This sucks. It's so frustrating to be so close to having something actually happen. But instead we're stuck in a waiting pattern. Only my pattern is forever long - 5 weeks (May 12) is my estimate to start my cycle again. Looking at my calendar and realizing that if I were normal my period would most likely start after day 28 - April 21 - sucks.

The plan:
- Day 35 (I'm at CD16 today...) with a negative HPT, call in for a prescription of Provera
- 10 days on Provera
- ~4 days until my period actually starts (this would be the middle of May now)
- Go in for cyst-checking u/s CD 2-4; if we're good, then
- 150mg Clomid on CD 5-9
- u/s ~CD 10
- u/s ~CD 14 (this is where I was on Monday and 7 weeks from now)

So 7 weeks until my new cycle day 14... where I left off. Bleh. If that doesn't work, we have been advised that IVF would be the best option for me, PCOS girl. We have been thinking that IVF would be the last possible resort, and never thought that it would ever get that far. So now the possibility of selling our house while TTC and possibly spending tens of thousands of dollars doing so... It's worrisome that we will go into debt, or have to get a cheaper house because we will have gone through our down payment money.

This is supposed to be the cheap, hell - the FREE part of having a kid! No birth control pills, no condoms, etc - hah!

I'm pretty sure that if the higher dosage of Clomid doesn't work out, we're going to try injectibles (FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injectibles/stims -they go by many names). The RE says that girls with PCOS aren't a good candidate for injectibles because we have so MANY follicles, that injectibles would cause all of them to possibly release an egg, which could lead to high # multiples - which is not something we want - if they even let the cycle continue; they would most likely cancel the cycle due to over-stimulation of the follicles. But, in my thinking, there is no guarantee that that would happen (every body is different) and since it's a fuck load cheaper than IVF, I'm thinking we're going to try that if this cycle doesn't pan out and see.

Mun-day

So it is Monday again. I feel like we just did this! So - WTF? This weekend was a blur... of nothingness. We left the house once to eat. All weekend. Including Friday night. We are such winners. Guess how many episodes of X-files I watched? A LOT. This afternoon I have my doctor's appointment, where we'll see how big my follies are! Excitement! I had to let The Tool (I am starting to feel bad about that nickname... he hasn't done anything truly toolish in a while, so I'm thinking of renaming him here... ahem - where was I? oh right...) know about the doctor's appointment today and the possible upcoming appointments this week. Here is a snapshot of that wonderful, not awkward-at-all conversation:

ME: I have a doctor's appointment today, and I will most likely have one or two more this week. TOOL: looks at me like – wow
ME: explains that I am getting a procedure done and that all these appointments were pre-procedure appointments to make sure my body is working the way it is supposed to for the actual procedure, which may happen on Saturday. Or not. And that if he needed me to, I had no problem getting a doctor’s note.
TOOL: Um, ok.

I think I over-shared, but hopefully, without sharing too much. (did that even make sense?)

Fri-Day!

Yay! Slightly busy here... and very worried that I may be moved... which would suck. Right now my cube faces the lovely 6-10 loop here in Houston, from the 15th floor. I can see the Astrodome (far away) and all the trees in between. But they're talking about moving people and since I pretty much lucked into getting this cube (in between people) I have a feeling they're going to give it to a new person, who would be 'higher up'. I would be pretty fucking pissed if they did that though. So I guess we'll see. I'm not super happy with my job right now anyway, hopefully as soon as I get knocked up and get my maternity leave, I can find another job. shhhhh We're going to keep that on the dl.

I'm very happy that the weekend is almost here - next week should be the IUI... then the dreaded 2ww. Or 3ww to 4ww, since I am so irregular and probably won't get my period on time and will probably have to take medicine to start it up again, which they wouldn't want me to do until late in my cycle to really, absolutely make sure I wasn't pregnant. I keep thinking about the possibility of being pregnant and if it will ever happen to me. It's weird... I can't imagine being pregnant (well, duh) so its hard to imagine that I ever will be.

At least I have my other babies, BK and Lebowski, the most adorable cats in the world. And my husband, of course, who is very supportive. It's funny - I can't wait to get pregnant so we can tell his mom. I just know she'll be so happy and excited. Telling her I feel would be a sure thing that she would be super excited, whereas most everyone else, I wouldn't be sure. My parents and I have an... interesting relationship, to say the least.

Goo

So today was another monitoring check up. I went in for an u/s and everything looks ok! My lining and follicles are still immature, but they're there and growing. My lining was at about 5.7 when she said it needed to be closer to 8 and all but one follicle was under 10mm. So... yay, I guess. I go back in on Monday afternoon for another checkup and a crotch full of goo.

Fantasy baseball has officially started and I'm off to a 2-1 start. Not too bad, if I do say so myself.

House Update: Well, there's really not much to say at this point. We've had no action. How freaking sad is that? I still have the faith, but at this point in time, it looks like I'll be pregnant (please!) before the house gets looked at. Ugh. I just really want to be able to decorate a nursery without trying to sell a house, too. No painting...

My sickness: So anyone who knows me knows I love to shop, but will never pay full price - for anything (except on very rare occasions; this applies to clothes, by the way). I love the feeling of getting a deal and I hate knowing that I will have spent a crap load of money on some thing someone else, a month or two from now will get cheaper. So I wait. Which is good! Until I find sales. Then my husband gets mad. Because then I spend. I try to talk myself out of things that I know I do not need (which could qualify as everything, because let's face it - I'm not exactly wearing rags). But its very hard to pass up on pants or shirts that are on sale for a really good price.

In the past, I splurged. I racked up major credit card debt. Oh, I was so, so stupid. I paid full price for everything and had credit cards to so many places... I think I had like 12 credit cards. All pretty much maxed out. But! I had a closet full of beautiful clothes. Clothes I look at and still adore. If only I could get into them. See, I've gained weight. Like fifty pounds. I gained weight and I'm lazy and I love sugar and eats lots of food and candy, thus explaining the 50 pounds (and growing!). Good thing I'm tall, or I'd look a hell of a lot worse then I currently do. The 50, by the way has gone on slowly - I would say since early college, lets say 2000 or 2001.

Nevertheless, I cannot wear my great, full price, expensive clothes. And I refuse to throw them out, because they were so expensive (to me) and I dream that one day... one day, something will happen... like I'll suddenly become thin... and then, then I'll be able to wear my beautiful clothes... and I'll be so thankful that I have these clothes...

I buy new clothes at discounted prices, knowing I could very well get much fatter and wanting to be able to throw something out without the pain of knowing it was expensive. And, I still shop, even though I'm trying to get pregnant. Funny, huh. Hopefully my new clothes won't fit for much longer. Hopefully they'll fit again...

So that is my sickness. The sickness my husband can't understand. And wow! there is no way I'm going to be able to try to tie that in with what I started this post with. So I'll end it the word goo, so I can pretend it all makes sense. goo

Kinda confused

So I'm still new to this whole IF thang... and I guess I'm somewhat confused as to everything that's out there. I know my doctor/nurse will make sure I am where I'm supposed to be and make sure I am given the right treatments and what not. I guess I just feel kinda stupid when reading about other people's IF issues. Anyway. So my blood work came back from last Thursday and it looks like I'm good! My progesterone was at 54. I was told that was normal. Whatever that means. I'm trying to fond a detailed, easy to understand website that explains all of this stuff. Why are they monitoring my progesterone on my CD3? I know they'll do it again this Thursday also. I'm having another US to see where I'm at after the Clomid - I guess this is where they'll be looking at follicles? Hopefully everything will work out and we'll be good to go. My other huge worry is not knowing when I'm going to ovulate, if I do and how I can tell (since that's my problem - I don't). I know OPK tests are supposed to work but the last ones I used told me I did, when I didn't. WTF? The nurse had me buy a different brand, so hopefully there won't be any more confusion.

Tired

Good grief am I tired. This weekend was a lot of fun. Mike came and stayed with us and we had the ALB draft. I made food and am generally baseballed out. I am a part of three fantasy teams... ugh. I may not be a very good owner this year. I don't know how into it I'm going to be. Oh well. Considering I kicked some of the ALB guys' asses last year on Yahoo, I bet they'd be pretty happy about it all. I was going to post something yesterday, just to try and get out of the Tues/Thurs only habit, but was tired and didn't feel like it. Didn't feel like typing a lot. I wonder if this is the Clomid that's making me feel this way; I'm on a higher dosage. I still don't think its working though. I don't have any of the typical side effects, except night sweats (like last night). I'm not hormonal, I'm not cranky or PMS-y or anything. I really think that if the Clomid works, my body will act differently. Today is day 8, which is Clomid day 4. So I'm almost done with that round and, hopefully that means I'll be done with that for forever! I've been thinking a lot about getting pregnant and how much I want to and the fact that I don't share that with very many people. I want to have a baby. It still makes me feel funny to say that. When talking about it with Marc, I still use "kid" instead of baby sometimes. It's hard for me to admit it, like it's a weakness I have. My family doesn't know (not that I'm super close with them anyway), Marc's family doesn't know and I don't think I want them to. I would rather let them in on it in the future when I am pregnant or have had a baby. And I don't want to be that person who everyone pities. I don't want people asking me about it. I don't want to be the person that someone knows that is going through this that they tell other people about. You know, the "I have a friend who struggles with infertility" every time they are in a conversation about infertility or babies.

Yesterday I had lunch with Sarah and a former co-worker/~friend and her baby. She was just the cutest thing in the world. I got to hold her for a little bit and she was awesome. She was 7 months old and just happy and sweet. I feel really good about this upcoming IUI and really hope this works out for the good.

So the rest of the weekend was also fun. After the draft, I met up with my girlfriends and celebrated a co-worker's birthday at Howl at the Moon. It was crazy. I got there late and everyone was just trashed. Someone got kicked out! (I won't say who) So, after that mess, I called Amy to see what she was doing and met up with her and Ponch at a bar near where I was. It was fun. We hung out and I didn't say anything about how upset we were about the upcoming trip (yay me!). I've decided that she is family. And that I need to move past this thing and just be more careful in the future about what we say. But that I can't hold it against her without even telling her about it. So, I'm trying to get past it and hanging out with them on Saturday was a good first step to that. Marc and Mike went over to hang out with the guys that night and got home much earlier than I did. We all went to breakfast and Mike left and Marc and I ran some errands but basically had a hangover/do nothing day. It was pretty nice. Now if I can just get over this extreme exhaustion. I even drank a coffee drink to help wake me up to no avail. Yawn. I am so not a morning person.