The Sickness

I can't breathe through my nose.... which is running. I keep sneezing. My face hurts like I've been punched. My ears are kinda itchy and stopped up. My throat feels as if it is on fire. And I've started to cough.

I took Sudafed yesterday to no effect.

I took half a Mucinex today to try and kill some of the gunk.

I'm using saline nasal spray.

I'm gargling with warm salt water.

My shower today was full of steam.

And, I have to admit, I felt better than I do now earlier in the afternoon. Nights always seem to get me good. And with the weather changing back and forth and back and forth, I knew this was coming and was pleasantly surprised that I had missed this ... until now it seems. And I seriously don't know what to do to make this all stop. I am miserable. And half terrified I'm going to go into labor sick. I just hope, that by some miracle, I can start feeling better without the normal arsenal over over the counter drugs I use to fight this. And that it doesn't get any worse.

34 Weeks

So the sleep issue... has been taken to the couch. As in, I am now sleeping on the couch. I just can't get comfortable in bed and we have a sectional and a large pillow. So, that's where we are. On the couch I get up to pee less and I wake up in pain less, which all leads to more sleep. Which is nice. Even though I'm pretty cramped (the couch isn't that wide) and all the morning light wakes me up earlier, I'm still getting more sleep, so it all evens out.

And the last post was written at a bad time, I think - I've been feeling a lot better. And this happens with regularity - the babies grow, I stretch and am in pain for a couple days, then my body adjusts and I feel better. Granted, as they've been getting bigger, the painful periods have gotten a lot more painful (I now know exactly what they mean by the second trimester being the best feeling - it is so true).

It still feels like there's a lot to do, but I'm slowly ticking things off my list. I just finished thank you cards from the shower and am planning on getting those out this week. I also plan on finishing up the last of the shopping I need to do; and M and I plan on going car shopping this weekend. We still haven't found what we want and I'm really afraid that we may be stuck for a while without a car that will fit the stroller. I also really need to start laundry on all the sheets and clothes - its something I've been putting off but with it getting so close, I really need to get that done. I also need to finish packing my hospital bag. I got the cutest twin memory books (they're a little silly, but overall pretty freaking cute, and I love the twin part of it).

We finished up our Childbirth Preparedness class (I don't know that I feel that much more ready, but I don't suppose anything will make me feel more ready for that.) And today we have the Breastfeeding class. I hope I get valuable info from this class... and that M doesn't feel weird going. I hope there are other dads there.

Contractions have started back up again. I couldn't tell when I was having them before - my stomach would tighten but I was in so much pain anyway, it didn't feel much different other than the tightening. But now that I'm feeling better, the contractions are making themselves known. I had several last night and have had one this morning. I still don't feel as much from the little lady as I would like - he on the other hand is active all the time. I like to think that she is too, but facing the other way makes it harder to feel. I try not to stress about her too much - I usually end up feeling her.

And I'm really trying to not stress over something going wrong between now and delivery. That the babies are best when in me for now and that they'll be ok and make it through delivery with no problems. It almost seems easier to have them born via c-section - it seems like a smaller chance of something bad happening. And I know I'm copping to this because both babies are head down and the likelihood of a vaginal delivery is much greater - if it were the other way around, I'm sure I would be complaining about a c-section. I'm so fickle. But labor scares me.

And, I can't believe I'm already 34 weeks. Most likely we'll have babies within the next four weeks, and I would be ok with them coming anytime after 36 weeks. Which, as I can type that rationally and quite matter-of-factly, still baffles the hell out of me. It still feels quite unreal - this whole going to be a mother thing. Going to have two newborns at our house. Going to have children - little pieces of M and I to take care of and raise. Wow.

Update! 33w5d

How far along? 33w5d
Total weight gain/loss: up 35 pounds or so...
Maternity clothes? Oh, yeah
Stretch marks? Oh, yeah
Sleep: I wish I could get some
Best moment this week: Making the list of What To Do Before Babies Come and marking some stuff off... and realizing that I will be 36w in like two weeks and freaking out a little bit
Movement: Oh, yeah.. and it hurts sometimes (they mess and poke with innards that should not be messed with or poked...)
Food cravings: None, really. I just eat what I want...
Gender: Still one boy, one girl
Labor Signs: some contractions
What I miss: Sleep and being pain free
What I am looking forward to: Sleep (please don't laugh at this... I am allowed to dream, right?) and being pain free

Seriously - notice a recurring theme here? The pain. Ohmygawd. It is hurting. All over my torso. My stomach muscles. My back. My sinuses. Fuckity fuck fuck. I can't even get comfortable laying on my side on the couch. It is hurt. But, all the pain is due to good news - we had a growth scan today and apparently the babies are big fatties - Girl is 6 pounds! Boy is 6 pounds 15 ounces!! That's like full term baby weights there. Everything else looked good - my massive looking cankles are normal, BP is fine, cervix is closed and babies are high (per the internal - the scan said they were low and both head down), so that's all good.

And it is no wonder I'm hurting - that's just about 13 pounds of baby in me. And man, do I feel for the other large baby peoples - the trip and quad mamas, the lady who had the 14 pound baby... man. I can't imagine how much bigger I'm going to get and how much bigger the babies are going to get. I really want to make it to 36 weeks at minimum but I know it will be a painful journey. And, to be clear - I'm thrilled the babies are doing so well. I couldn't ask for more - they seem healthy and are apparently eating well. So, that's awesome. But now I start to wonder if I should start worrying about 8 and 9 pound babies when I deliver... I have to admit the thought scares me a little - it seems like a painful delivery. And a painful last week or so.

Our Baby Shower!

My baby shower was this weekend and it was AWESOME. My friend Jen threw it completely by herself for us (it was a coed shower) and it was great. We had about 50 adults there and some kids, my sister and nephew got to come down for it and we are so blessed and lucky to have so many people who are excited and supportive of us and these babies.

The theme was "Double Stuffed" so there were Oreos everywhere - the centerpieces had Oreos, the party favors were specialty Oreos, the cake was a giant Oreo; the colors were brown and some pink and blue... it was great. The food was awesome, the cake was chocolate fudge and super yummy... it was all great. And long. It started at 5 and we didn't leave until 9:30. I was very tired and after all the presents slept fitfully and dreamt of being at the shower and opening presents. My feet... were cankles. And sadly, I sat a good portion of the time! But the swelling was a little out of control.

The one complaint I have - and I know I sound like a total brat and I really don't mean to - I swear - I'm just frustrated at BRU and their registry. We got very little off our registries. Very little. Maybe 10 items. So, needless to say we still need a lot. A lot lot. And its because we moved recently and our address (including the city) changed (so maybe it's not all BRU's fault... but people who are moving soon, take note and spread the word). We heard several complaints of "We couldn't find your registry..." which is frustrating. Because people were very generous... incredibly generous... but we still need the things we need. So that will be a project for the weekend, or as soon as the registry completion coupon comes in. And we are now set for clothes for... the next 6-9 months. :)

Pictures!

Complain-y

Please do not read unless you like to hear me complain.

How is it that there is so much to do, yet I have zero energy to do it? And, its not like I work. I'm a total suck on the household and all I do is lay around all day and still manage to be exhausted. There's not a lot I can do, but doing nothing makes me feel... totally worthless.

And speaking of being a total suck... I will have to go back to work sooner than I anticipated. And it bums me out. Because its my fault we're in this position financially. If I had found a job, started subbing, done something to earn money... and I didn't and now we're in a tough spot. If I were working now. If I were getting paid maternity leave. M is totally stressed at work, but we need the money. We have to get a larger car (long story short, the stroller we got (an 'inexpensive' double as a gift) and doesn't fit in either of our cars) and to do that, we have to trade in M's car. M's car is much nicer than my car and is pretty freaking brand new. It still smells like a new car. And he's treated it so well. And my car, which is finally paid off, is the one he's going to have to drive now. And he doesn't deserve that, but we can't afford the second car payment. Again, it's my fault because if I had been working, we would be in a much better place. And, yes, the economy sucks, but let's be honest here - I could have done a lot more and tried a lot harder to get a job. And I let the IVF and then pregnancy, and then the selling and moving keep me from looking once that started. But before that - I could have and SHOULD have found a job. And now, at 30w5d pregnant, it's too late for that.

So blah. I suck. And I have no idea what I'm going to do, especially after these babies are born. Finding a job... fills me with total anxiety and scares me. What will I find? Will I be happy? How will I get back into the "work" mode with two babies at home? And how the hell am I going to have time for everything? And who will watch the babies? Agh. I'm really trying to appreciate that, although it causes financial strain, I am home now and I should appreciate the time I have to rest, relax and be by myself. But sometimes I hate myself for it. Especially when I do nothing all day but fight boredom. And have nothing to show for it.