Way TMI :::warning:::

But...

I can't poop! WTF? I've been eating like shit all week (yesterday fettuccine alfredo for lunch and the leftovers for dinner) today a muffin, mini burger from Sonic, chips and queso and enchiladas, rice and beans, light ice cream (cuz you know I don't need those calories) with hot fudge and a couple twizzlers. Yeah. Am big fatzo. And feel like big fatzo. And yesterday pooped very easily after lunch, then nothing after dinner. It was difficult. I felt last night and feel today like I need to but can't. And I'm taking my wheat grass! That stuff really helps things along. Not since yesterday afternoon unfortunately. *whine* This sucks... I'm not even on any medicines... I want to poooo-ooop... :( I need to eat better. That may help. But come on wheat grass! Work your intestinal magic!

I bought my baby aspirin and scared the shit out of a nurse (let's call her S) over at the clinic. I called and basically bombarded her with questions (only four, really) and now I have another and I really want to call her again and scare her again. I'm evil heeheehee...
The first: I was wondering if my luteal phase was short because after the med. cycles, I never make it to beta - I always start the period 3-4 days early. So, short LP. I thought that may account for something? Apparently not since its medicated... hmm.. will possibly post and ask to get other expert opinions...
Second: I wanted to have it marked in my chart that I would like to stim for longer this cycle than the last. A "low and slow" approach. I was told that they start me at one unit (75ius) and that is low. So, there you go. Humph. I will then be requesting that I stay low when they bump me up.
The third: What do they look for before testing for the Beta-3 integrin? Except I totally murdered what it's actually called (I called it the endometrial intigin 3 biopsy) and she told me she had no idea what that was. I think she could have figured it out but she said she was new there, so wasn't really sure and that I should ask Dr. M when I talk to her (which - see below).
The fourth: If I could take baby aspirin. I've asked before and told I didn't really need to. Come to find out (from this nurse - not my normal who I don't really like - we'll call her D) that it's SOP for IVF patients and that it wouldn't really hurt, which is what I thought this whole time!!! I'm SO mad! I mean, hello? One of my proteins that affect clotting was slightly elevated! What could it hurt? Could it possibly, even in the littlest, slightest bit help? Then, ok! Let me do it! It's freaking aspirin for fuck's sake! Fucking cow.

I want to call tomorrow and ask her (S) if they test my progesterone with CD3 b/w and during stims, or if they ever have. Because I wonder if I have low progesterone levels. And I want to ask her (new or not) because she's so nice while my regular nurse is out of town. She (D) just makes me feel like my questions are stupid but dammit! I want to be educated. And if they are stupid, then explain it and I won't bother you. Don't just blow me off. Ugh. Anyway, she suggested I set up an appointment with Dr. M. because it sounded like I had a lot of questions about my treatment plan. So I set one up. For MAY 12. That is the first time she is available to talk to me! I can't believe it! Hopefully I'll be near CD3 anyway, so...

I know I go through spurts where I drive them all crazy up there with all my calls and questions, and I know that most of them are stupid because I start scaring myself into thinking I may possibly have a low this or have a defective that. I just am scared. I really don't want to go to IVF and discover something new wrong. I don't want another loss before we get more tests. I just want to know, now. And I know its unreasonable to test me for every fucking thing under the sun, but you know what? I don't care. I think part of it is that I found this super cool website (thanks TTTC boards) that explains hormone levels on the CD they're taken and what it all means! Hallelujah! So now, I'll know exactly how "within normal range" I am. Out of the dark! No more talking over my head for some of this stuff! Now I want to test it out, lol. And use it to help develop new anxiety.

And damn. This will be my second post of the day. Fuck. I tried to keep today's short and non-ramble-y. Guess I fail.

Man

I was reading over my last posts and wow. I sure do ramble. I mean as I'm reading, I realize I basically spew whatever thought pops into my head out onto this blog, but I didn't realize how ramble-y and jump-y and all over the place I was. I understand it, but I suppose I'm used to that kind of chaos in my head.

So I'll keep this uncharacteristically short. I'm going to buy baby aspirin today after reading all the great benefits concerning IF. I'm going to try and stop worrying that I have a uterus that fights being pregnant and not call and demand more testing (like the integrin 3 biopsy). I'm doing laundry. And that is all.

I went to UsRBabies today;

I deserve a medal.
Please give it to me now.

Thank you.


Yes, I went to baby heaven and saw pregnant people, newborns and all sorts of other babies. I saw mothers/grandmas shopping with their daughters/new mommies and baby. I saw significant others' shopping with pregnant others. I saw baby furniture and bedding and strollers and swings and slings (oh my!). And the tiniest little stripe-y socks ever.

And I didn't cry. (Which, my god, I realize how fucking sappy that must make me now. I used to never cry. Now I cry all the time, or at least well up.) And I didn't glare. And I kept my bitter, resentful, infertile self to a minimum in my head. And I melted a little. I saw a beautiful crib on sale and wanted to buy it and then go stick in our storage unit and not feel that guilty when I explained the credit card charge because Marc? He would indulge me my craziness.

Which is what I probably wouldn't have done anyway, though SIL was with me. (Because she would have thought I had TOTALLY gone off my rocker if I had pulled that shit with her.) But it did keep me from calling Marc and explaining the beauty of THIS. CRIB. RIGHT. HERE. and SALE!!! to which he would have been pretty shocked and speechless at me wanting to buy a crib.

And I have a confession. I snuck another pee. I know, I know, I know... I haven't been sleeping well. I constantly think about it and its that damn last pregnancy's fault. I just lie/lay awake thinking about it. And I just have to know. I just have to. It's like I need to prepare myself for something bad, because honestly, either way? Would bring issues. I mean, if negative (which it was and will be for this break cycle - duh) I am so sad. So, so sad. So bummed. So broken. But then I have a plan for next cycle. And if positive,

I mean just typing the possibility of it had me sitting here speechless. But the insane worry and stress and preparation of it being bad, but the hope that its not and the joy of just actually being and... oh my god. Either way, total roller coaster. So I have this need to know and prepare myself. For my period. Or for the number.

I swear, for someone with losses, sometimes the thought of being pregnant is scarier than the fear of not being pregnant at all.

And now I need to take a break from my own head and escape into TV, the boards, Sudoku or my book.

Do you think

I can become a follower to my own blog? I could be the first :)

Oh yeah... approx 22 minutes until CD 31... which is only 3 days until CD 35. I'll actually be calling the clinic this week! Yea!

I'm also planning a trip to Huntsville to visit my sister. Maybe Wednesday. That should be fun. I found out today that my car's inspection sticker expired in February. I blame Marc as he is responsible for car stuff. He claims that is not in his area, and I should be a responsible adult and take care of it on my own. Buh wah??? Respo..? huh? So tomorrow I suppose I'll be going to take care of that before I get a ticket.

In other car news, I've been looking at SUV's and crossovers and etc. at Carmax. You know, because we'll soon need it when I'm knocked up with the very least twins, but most likely triplets and have our huge dog. Then we'll have to trade to a van or something equally attractive and 'family-with-the-hugest-dog-ever friendly'. And won't that be sweet. lol. I am actually excited about getting a bigger car - as a close to six foot tall woman, I like the leg room and being slightly higher off the ground. I've wanted one for a while, but couldn't afford one when I bought my car and now love the gas mileage on my little Honda. But that is just another thing I am looking forward to in my new life, when we have a baby, a new house and a dog. Ah, limbo just rocks.

Oh yeah, and also? I applied for a job as a local, nation-wide pharmacy store manager two weeks ago. Yeah. I have a business degree and customer service skills. That would qualify me, right? Yet I have yet to hear back... so embarrassing. So I applied again. That'll get me hired, right?

I'm tired. And feeling pretty meh, as the tone to this post can attest.

Six Days...

until Provera! We're babysitting the puppies tonight while SIL goes to a party. I've decided to add a picture of just how cute these puppies will be when they get a little older, because I don't think many people know about mastiffs. I mean, look how freaking cute that puppy is! Adorable!! This is just a generic mastiff puppy - I'm not sure on the age.

We just got back from Costco and eating Freebirds, and man am I full. Ugh. So full. I ate way too much. And I've been super moody and hormonal and have been having incredibly vivid dreams. I keep hoping this means that AF is on her way, without Provera, but I doubt it. Today also marks the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week. I know some people have been coming out on Facebook, but there is no way I would do that. Not that I'm ashamed of my infertility, but I just don't want people I barely know knowing that much about me. I am a member of Resolve on Facebook, so people can go see that about me, but it's pretty passive and doesn't really invite conversation. And I'm kinda mad, because there's been something I was wanting to post about, but it has completely slipped my mind. How annoying!!

MIL Visit - Check

So the MIL is gone. She was here for a short while and now she has left. As a result, the past week has flown by and I am gearing up for the weekend (and by gearing up I mean sitting here wondering how it's the weekend already).

I have a little secret. And it's just so stupid. SO STUPID. I keep yelling that at myself because I feel the need to berate myself for doing this... I peed. On a Stick. Last night. OMFG how dumb am I? Let me count the ways... I mean, it's just ridiculous.

1 - It's a break cycle, which mean the chance of something... so low... there are no meds!
2 - Even if I were, it is way too early!! Today is CD 28. Which means I should be starting my period today. Which means, if I listen to those commercials, I shouldn't be taking a HPT until 5 days AFTER my missed period. So yesterday? Not the right time.

I mean duh. I am most shamed by this. Of course it was negative. At least it was only a $1 test. No more testing until next Friday. I just keep hoping I'll get AF so I don't have to worry about taking Provera. That would be the best* thing ever!

This weekend we're going to my parents for the birthdays. Like I mentioned in my previous post there have been 3 birthdays in 2 days in my family. One of those was my SIL, which is why my MIL came into town. The other two were my dad and brother (on the same day). So this weekend, we're getting together for that and my mom's birthday, which is next weekend. My entire family (mom, dad, bro, sis) all have birthdays within less than one month of each other. Mine is the lone outlier. I suppose we'll get together for my sister's birthday and Mother's (barf) Day soon.

*Well, obviously not THE best, but we're working on the not-pregnant assumption

The past couple of days

Not a whole lot has been happening... I'm counting down the days until CD 35 (10 days from now - whoopee!), fluctuating between being super excited about the puppy and freaking out about the storage situation and celebrating birthdays.

We're on a break cycle, which means I'm drinking. There have been three family birthdays in the matter of 2 days. So yea! Happy B-day and all that. So Sunday night I go out with my SIL and a couple other people. Marc hits the first bar with us, then goes home (like an intelligent person). We continue on. Now, I have not gone out in a while. A long while. Needless to say, my tolerance for the alcohol is pretty low. So when I continue drinking on an empty stomach (SO smart, I am) it is no shock that I end up drunk. It is a shock that I am so sick the next day, I couldn't keep anything down before 1:00 pm. This was yesterday. Today I'm feeling better. THANK GOD. I'm glad I got that out of my system, because I have a feeling its going to be a long time before I do that again - hopefully not until 2010. It's likely that another break cycle will result in me going to a bar, although not being as crazy.

Marc's mom is coming in town tomorrow, so I planned to spend the day cleaning and re-hydrating myself. Just taking it easy and making sure I'm 100% and feeling normal. I decide that I can put off cleaning the house until tomorrow (the day she gets here), because 1) I am lazy and 2) I didn't feel like cleaning and 3) I wanted to make Marc feel a little bad because I think he's been slacking on his part of the chore situation around here (which makes me feel bad, because I'm unemployed, so taking care of the house IS my job... while he's at work all day making, you know, real money to support us) and I knew that if I were cleaning in front of him he'd feel bad. But it's HARD to clean up someone else's (adult) mess every day.

So procrastination. This - I am good at. Did some grocery shopping and what not and had a wonderful day feeling better. Until I got a phone call for a house showing. They wanted to see the house in less than an hour. ARGGGH. So I busted ass and cleaned the hell out of my house.

I realize the irony of bitching about a showing (which really I'm not - I'm more bitching at the timing) when I'm freaked that we won't sell it. And I realize that if I really wanted to bitch about timing, the showing would have been yesterday when I felt like complete and utter shite. But you know. It was still a PITA. But at least my house is clean for MIL and I don't have to clean it tomorrow.

Today a thought struck me... its one I've had for a while, although not necessarily in this context. So I was thinking - when will I have learned? I grew up with a religious upbringing, and part of me still thinks that somehow, God is trying to teach me something. That God won't let me get (and stay - a very important distinction) pregnant, that I still have something to discover, to prove to... something. I don't really know. And I don't even believe it, this grown-up "Catholic school girl guilt" if you know what I mean. Some way for me to rationalize why I haven't been able to get/stay pregnant. That I won't be blessed with a child until - fill in the blank. And, rationally, I know this is a load of shit, this imaginary test I must pass to be good enough to be a mother, but I still catch myself thinking it sometimes.

And, so not to end on such a serious note - the puppies are opening their eyes! It's so cute. They're finally starting to stand a little and and getting bigger and bigger. I can't wait until they're older and even cuter. Right now, it doesn't look like we'll be bringing home a puppy until the beginning of June, so there's some relief there, but I'm still feeling the pressure to sell this house.

All Anxiety All the Time

So after reading back my last entry, I realize how neurotic I've been. Because now, I have a whole new set of worries. We are getting a puppy. This is something I've dreamed about for years. I've wanted to move and get a house with a yard so we could have a dog since... um, well... spring of 2006. Seriously. So the fact that we are now getting a puppy has me excited beyond belief.

So I've been researching and trying to see what we need for a puppy and dog and now I'm starting to freak out a little bit. We're getting a mastiff. We haven't had a showing in over a week. We bought a crate. We have nowhere to put it. We bought some puppy food. We have nowhere to put a puppy's bowl. We have nowhere to put the cats food so the dog won't get it. We are stuck in this house. Cue anxiety. I need someone to buy our house NOW. Before, we were pretty laissez-faire about selling the house. That was before. Now, we need to get rid of it and in a new house with a yard and more space.

When I bought the crate, it barely fit into my car. Now, we plan on taking the dog with us when we go to San Antonio, and taking the fold-able crate for the dog while we're there. Or, if not that, taking the dog to my parents' so they can watch it - but also taking the crate for her to sleep in. So how in God's name are we going to take us, the crate and the dog in our cars? Anywhere? In either of them?? Cue panic. We were planning on getting an SUV when we had a baby. Well... now I'm thinking we should get a SUV ASAP.

And after reading the last post about anxiousness of where we would move - well, I'm still worried about that, but now I'm MUCH more worried about actually selling this damn house and being able to move. After so much time wanting to move... it makes me mad we didn't list our house earlier. I should have demanded it. But someone wanted to wait. I brought it up to the point of nagging. And was put off for excuse after excuse. And now the market is shit and we don't have room for our dog and we're never going to sell and we won't be able to go anywhere.

**deep breaths**

It will all work out. We will be fine. Soon I'll be sitting in my new house, pregnant or with my baby, husband and dog, with a wonderful job freaking out about something else. Limbo will be over. And this will be a distant memory.

PS - and also - we so didn't score another break cycle BFP. I can just feel it. Counting down the days to Provera time.

"You Can Drink Now, Right?"

Yes, unfortunately. So nothing really happening on the IF front. Still in the middle of a break cycle. Still trying to make the best of the break cycle. Doing the procreation dance every other day to up our chances. Taking (worthless) OPK sticks every morning. And having (TMI) a whole SHITLOAD of CM. I mean, dripping down my leg lot. Seems really weird to me. I've never had this happen before. And its obviously not fertile CM, because of the drippiness and non-egg-white-ness- feeling. So, I wonder what it means. Must be an overabundance of some hormone or something right? Maybe from all the procreation dancing (I'm testing this phrase to see if I like it or if it sounds a little... gai).

In other news... Puppies! Were! Born! Euchre had 7 puppies; 5 boys (hmmph) and 2 girls. Since Amy, Marc and I are all partial to girl dogs, we were a little saddened (well, me and Amy especially, since I think Marc was feeling defensive about his gender there) about all the boys. But they're here! And they are all healthy and doing great! Euchre isa great mom, cleaning them and being super protective of them and feeding them. Marc and I were there for the births of the last 6 (we just missed the first born) and I actually caught the 7th as it was coming out of her (she was standing up and I didn't want it to fall on the floor). Overall, the birthing process went from 1:30pm to 8:30pm, which is pretty normal. Marc and I are struggling over names right now. I've got a list going of the ones we like, but girl names are so much harder than boy names. We seriously have over ten boy names we like. But very few we both like for girls. We'll find something though.

I've applied to a school district to teach in and am working on applying to more. I didn't realize the application process would require a writing sample about you had a success story with a child (thanks KISD for that load of shite) so its taking some time. Job fairs should be coming up soon. I'm super nervous about the prospect of teaching, but know that I NEED a job! Especially for when we sell the house and then are making mortgage payments on a more expensive one. Eek!

Speaking of the house, we seem to have a couple of interested parties, but no offers. The outside was just painted, so that's nice... all we need now are some offers!! Of course, my big fear now is that we'll have no idea where to move to once the house is sold and we'll have to make some big decisions quickly. Of course, if all this could happen in time for the puppy to come home (to the new house) that would be GREAT. So we don't have to worry about a puppy in the house we're trying to sell.