Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Today I can barely keep from crying. All right, I guess I should say I can't stop crying. Woke up to that feeling. The feeling of a warm sticky fluid between my legs. Which means that its getting worse. It hasn't before crossed that barrier while I'm horizontal. I'm expecting a lot of blood today. And I'm freaking out. I know my baby is strong, I just hope its strong enough. And I know I can't DO anything. It's just a waiting game from here on out. But how much longer can I bleed? Why is my body betraying me this way? Where is all this blood coming from anyway? Why won't it stop? How much longer can it go on without hurting my baby? I'm just so scared. So, so scared. I want it so badly.
And, worst of all, Marc's scared. He's really freaking out, too. And there's nothing I can do but keep him updated. At least he doesn't have to see and smell all the blood. But I know he's preparing himself for the worst. And it breaks my heart that I can't do this the right way for him. For our miracle, break cycle baby.
All I can do is be hopeful, as much as that may break my heart later. And pray that the bleeding stops. And pray that this baby makes it. And that his heart starts beating. Come on baby, I have faith in you.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
But, I suppose the bigger news is that I'm supposedly pregnant. I don't really believe that I am or that it will last. But I havev a blood test proving me otherwise, at least for today. I go in for a scan on Wednesday to see what we see. It was a break cycle for us, as we were gearing up for IVF #1 to start. I took a HPT Friday morning so I could get a prescription of Provera and get the IVF show on the road. I was shocked to see that it was positive and convinced that it was a false positive. I called in to the RE's and was able to get in for a blood test, which confirmed the HPT. My beta was 8,234. A huge, huge number. Gi-normous. Made me feel really good. Except that I'm still spotting. And its red spotting. And that sometimes I see it in my underwear. Actually, I've been seeing it in my underwear for about 4 days now. And always when I wipe. It started off being dark brown, but it turned to red. And its been happening for over a week. And today I have some mild cramping/back pain to go along with it. Let's see... now why would that make me nervous? Oh yeah:
Symptoms of a miscarriage include:
- Vaginal bleeding that may be light or heavy, constant or irregular. Although
bleeding is often the first sign of a miscarriage, first-trimester bleeding may also occur with a normal pregnancy. But bleeding with pain is a sign that miscarriage is more likely.
- Pain. You may have pelvic cramps, abdominal pain, or a persistent, dull ache in your lower back. Pain may start a few hours to several days after bleeding has begun.
Thank you SO much WebMD. That helps tremendously.
It's really hard to believe that there's anything good going on. I find myself getting hopeful. Fuck, I know I have hope for this pregnancy, but I just can't push away the doubts. And it scares me beyond anything else. Because why would this happen? Why would I be able to conceive without any medicine when I couldn't conceive, much less ovualte on medicine before? It just seems cruel to let me get pregnant again and then take it away from me. And I can't help but think that's going to happen. I mean, how else do I prepare myself for the possibility of losing another one?
But what I must repeat as my mantra: TODAY I am pregnant. I must believe that I will carry a healthy baby to term. I must believe that miracles do happen and that I have seen one in my own life.