I'll take a little bit of good right about now...

I called the RE yesterday after all the bleeding that went on this weekend. I wasn't trying to get seen early, I just wanted to know if they were expecting the bleeding to slow down at all (since it had gotten worse) and if I were to miscarry, if there would want the tissue to do any genetic testing on. I want to make sure that if I did miscarry, that it wouldn't be either me or Marc's genetic faults. Or the combination of the two. I know its rare, but it does happen. Well, she wanted me to come in and be looked at, which I was. And everything looked fine. The baby is still there, and they don't see a source of the bleeding. The baby is also growing, so that is also good. I was really hoping to see a heartbeat at this u/s, but we didn't. We scheduled a scan for next Monday and if we don't see a heartbeat then, she's going to call it as an unviable pregnancy. My dates also changed. According to everything I've looked at and entered into the internet, I am, today, 6w3d. Last Wednesday when I went in, she told me I was 5w5d. Yesterday (Monday) I was 6w4d, according to the RE. WTF? That doesn't make any sense. I can't just be more days pregnant than I am. I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. But, I'm not the expert, so whatevs. And if it means the baby is measuring ahead, well, I don't think that's anything to complain about. And I've come to a conclusion about the bleeding. I'm not going to worry about it. It's gross. It smells gross. But there's nothing I can do. And apparently I'm just one of those unlucky 15% who bleed while pregnant. At least this time around. So that's what I think about that. And, to top it off, I woke up this morning with no blood. How the hell that happened, I don't know, but I'm taking only good things from it. And I'm not stupid enough to believe that this means its all over, but for now, I'm happy. Baby steps.

First Ultrasound and more

So my first ultrasound was Wednesday. Still bleeding. One beautiful egg sac there. In the right spot. Not ectopic. Not molar. I know this baby is strong and a fighter. But dear god I think I'm just losing it. All day Wednesday I was so happy. Exuberant. Dr. McKenzie said that 15% of pregnancies bleed and that it doesn't have to be a problem. The ultrasound didn't show any bleeding around the sac, which was the important part. As long as the bleeding doesn't affect the baby and it wasn't. Wednesday was the best day. We got to see our baby. It just made it so much more real. Not like last time when I miscarried without ever getting to see it. I made it to exactly six weeks last time. Tomorrow I'll be six weeks.

Today I can barely keep from crying. All right, I guess I should say I can't stop crying. Woke up to that feeling. The feeling of a warm sticky fluid between my legs. Which means that its getting worse. It hasn't before crossed that barrier while I'm horizontal. I'm expecting a lot of blood today. And I'm freaking out. I know my baby is strong, I just hope its strong enough. And I know I can't DO anything. It's just a waiting game from here on out. But how much longer can I bleed? Why is my body betraying me this way? Where is all this blood coming from anyway? Why won't it stop? How much longer can it go on without hurting my baby? I'm just so scared. So, so scared. I want it so badly.

And, worst of all, Marc's scared. He's really freaking out, too. And there's nothing I can do but keep him updated. At least he doesn't have to see and smell all the blood. But I know he's preparing himself for the worst. And it breaks my heart that I can't do this the right way for him. For our miracle, break cycle baby.

All I can do is be hopeful, as much as that may break my heart later. And pray that the bleeding stops. And pray that this baby makes it. And that his heart starts beating. Come on baby, I have faith in you.

Camping!

This weekend was the annual "family" camping trip. This year it happened to be at Buescher State Park. It was a lot of fun and got very cold Saturday night - low of 32. We froze our patooties off!

But, I suppose the bigger news is that I'm supposedly pregnant. I don't really believe that I am or that it will last. But I havev a blood test proving me otherwise, at least for today. I go in for a scan on Wednesday to see what we see. It was a break cycle for us, as we were gearing up for IVF #1 to start. I took a HPT Friday morning so I could get a prescription of Provera and get the IVF show on the road. I was shocked to see that it was positive and convinced that it was a false positive. I called in to the RE's and was able to get in for a blood test, which confirmed the HPT. My beta was 8,234. A huge, huge number. Gi-normous. Made me feel really good. Except that I'm still spotting. And its red spotting. And that sometimes I see it in my underwear. Actually, I've been seeing it in my underwear for about 4 days now. And always when I wipe. It started off being dark brown, but it turned to red. And its been happening for over a week. And today I have some mild cramping/back pain to go along with it. Let's see... now why would that make me nervous? Oh yeah:

Symptoms of a miscarriage include:
- Vaginal bleeding that may be light or heavy, constant or irregular. Although
bleeding is often the first sign of a miscarriage, first-trimester bleeding may also occur with a normal pregnancy. But bleeding with pain is a sign that miscarriage is more likely.
- Pain. You may have pelvic cramps, abdominal pain, or a persistent, dull ache in your lower back. Pain may start a few hours to several days after bleeding has begun.

Thank you SO much WebMD. That helps tremendously.

It's really hard to believe that there's anything good going on. I find myself getting hopeful. Fuck, I know I have hope for this pregnancy, but I just can't push away the doubts. And it scares me beyond anything else. Because why would this happen? Why would I be able to conceive without any medicine when I couldn't conceive, much less ovualte on medicine before? It just seems cruel to let me get pregnant again and then take it away from me. And I can't help but think that's going to happen. I mean, how else do I prepare myself for the possibility of losing another one?

But what I must repeat as my mantra: TODAY I am pregnant. I must believe that I will carry a healthy baby to term. I must believe that miracles do happen and that I have seen one in my own life.

Oh Happy Day!

I am so excited. We have a new president, President Obama. I am so relieved, excited and cannot wait for him to take office.