Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sunday and Monday

So the Memorial Day party we were supposed to go to was cancelled. Instead we brought the puppy home for a night. Man oh, man. We got like 3 hours of sleep that night and am shocked we didn't get the police called on us for a noise complaint. She screamed. All. night. long. I knew to expect the crying - Marc was shocked by it (the duration the loudness). She had several accidents (although, that's not really fair as she's never been remotely trained to not pee where she sleeps) so we started that, but since she was going back to the other puppies, we couldn't use the public grass that other dogs go on and I'm not sure anything really sunk in as she is back with the rest of the litter and back to "eliminating" wherever she wants. Marc flipped out about the 'accidents' on the carpet, so her new base will be the kitchen. I need to get a gate, as her crate is way too big and she tore down every divider we erected (one didn't come with the crate) or a smaller crate. I don't really want to spend the money on a smaller crate that she'll outgrow quickly though. I need to find out how A and P trained W because he loves his crate.

I've read all about crate training and potty training, and honestly, I'm not sure what we should do. There are so many different ideologies and I'm not really sure which we should adhere to. This is going to be a process. A long process. I've already figured that my schedule is going to have to change, because Marc can't go to work with 3 hours of sleep and function. So. yeah. I see a lot of sleepless nights and naps in my future. At least this will keep me occupied while unemployed and trying to get pregnant.

Let's see... today I am 4dpiui. Nothing to note, really. I still feel rather bloated and have had quite the upset stomach, which I'm guessing is from the endo.metrin.

I've been having vivid, bad dreams the last couple of night. Last night all the people I went to high school with were all hanging out for some type of reunion get together thing and all the girls were pregnant. All. of. them. Except me. I woke up feeling melancholy. My 10 year reunion is this year, so I guess that's where I got the ammunition for the dream. And (thanks to FB) I know several of my old classmates do have children... Ah well. The night before was some nightmare about being chased and having my leg cut off. Not pleasant.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

One Week Until Puppy!

So the cramping has slowed, and gotten better. The endo.metrin is going well, I'm afraid I'm going to forget to take it though. I'll get into the habit though, and should get the hang of it.

The baby shower today was great - I was so happy to see L again. I can't believe so much time had gone by before seeing her. She looked, great, as always, and especially with her being 8 months pregnant. From behind you couldn't even tell she was pg - I know I won't look like that, but a girl can dream... The shower was nice, but awkward for me. I didn't know anyone there and have always been a freak about being around people I don't know. I am totally Social Anxiety when it comes to these kind of things, but today wasn't too bad.

We went out with the G's and R's which was nice... especially the trip to The Choc.olate Bar. Oh yeah. Yum. I picked up a piece of cake to eat at home and ate some ice cream there. YUM.

I'm not sure about tomorrow's plans - I have to say I'm not too disappointed with not hanging out with some of these people. Apparently A is sick and the neighbor I hate had surgery and may be in the hospital... so no big celebration.

And one week from today we should be bringing our new furbaby home! We may bring her over to introduce her to the cats, before the permanent move to helpfully reduce the shock. I'm SO excited about having her home. The cats just have no idea. And she will be a wonderful distraction from the 2ww when it gets really bad at the end.

And, I think I forgot to mention - we had two showings last week! Yay! One was a second showing, so I really hope something comes from it. They seem to be moving pretty slow, as the second showing was 18 days from the first. I don't care - just make an offer!!!!

Friday, May 22, 2009

IUI #5 This Morning

Everything went well! M had great numbers:

Post Wash:
Count: 81 million/ml
Progression: 3+
Motile %: 90%
Total Motile: 36.4 million
% Recovery: 38%

Honestly, I'm not sure what everything means, as far as the numbers go. I just know pre-wash what they want to see, and he passed, like always. We are so lucky and thankful that I'm the only one who has issues...

Apparently my cervix is easy - it just pops out according to the nurse today. There wasn't any pain - uncomfortableness from the speculum, and a little tickling when they cleaned off the excess cervical mucus, but that's it. Now, at home, I have some slight cramping, but that's to be expected and no big deal.

I also ran into one of our nurses and she gave me a free box of Endo.metrin - yay! Those things are expensive and you're supposed to use them through your tenth week of pregnancy, so I'm glad I got more. They are so cool there - I <3 my clinic.

That's about it - I'm off to watch SYTYCD and hang out on the couch!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Definitely triggering! 9:30pm! e2 was 677! Yay!

Most Likely Triggering Tonight!

So I didn't get my lining number this morning (but let's face it - it was so awesome yesterday it probably didn't get worse) (and wow did that sound cocky!) but I am pretty happy because my right ovary looked as if it had exploded. I had one follicle on the right measuring at 17.3mm, and a couple 14's and 13's, with some 11's thrown and a bunch of little ones in there... on the scan it just looked like there were bubbles covering the entire surface of my ovary. Kinda cool. I seriously couldn't count the number as she was measuring them, but she took like 15 pictures. My left one is the brownheaded* step child of the cycle, with the biggest at 15.somethinglow and just one or two smaller. Marc speculated that since in "normal" women ovulation takes turns between ovaries and that it must have been ole rightie's turn. So, since the clinic considers 15 mature (which hummph. I'm still not entirely convinced, although u/s tech made a good argument about how they determine that number through IVF and that 15 IS mature) it looks like I will 99.999% be triggering tonight. I got a cup and everything. I just hope they continue to grow... and be really mature - not just on the cusp.

For shits and giggles I asked what my e2 levels were last cycle when I triggered. They were only 434. That's it! I had one follicle at 16.something and one at 15.something. I'm glad this cycle is different. She did say that higher e2 levels were better. So, that's good... I still can't believe the number for last cycle. No wonder I'm being such a super freak about this one.

Ah well. The joyous part of the morning was being confronted with a baby while waiting for my blood to be drawn. He was probably 2 or 3, and his mom was there for b/w as well. I just kinda got hit with a WTF moment. I mean, she was obviously there for #2, but man. Just right there. Kinda stung a bit. Brought up a little bitterness, I'm not going to lie. Made me feel like a bad person. But, what could she do? It's not her fault she has to bring her kid to the clinic to try and get pg with a second.

I also RSVPed to a baby shower this weekend... I'm super happy for her as it took her A LOT to get pg, but still kinda anxious about it since I would have been only 3 weeks behind her if I hadn't lost the second pregnancy and I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about seeing a big ole belly and thinking about what should have been.

And now I'm off to take a bath, as I won't be able to do so in the next couple of weeks (I like HOT baths) and meeting Sarah for lunch at Jake's - yum!

*As I am redheaded, when I was younger I took offense to this saying (now I'm not so offended; I feel sorry for real redheaded step children and everyone always looks at me when they say it, which is weird) so have changed it to make myself happy. Suck on it brunettes.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Cycle Check In

So this morning was the scan and b/w check. I have 5 measurable follicles; 14, 14, 13, 12, 11... or something like that. My lining is at 11.3 - awesome! She said that I most likely would be coming in daily or almost daily. It all depends on my estrogen levels. So we'll see.. Things are definitely happening in there!

**Edited to add:
e2 levels at 559! Yay! I'm doing another 150iu of Gonal tonight and going in again tomorrow morning. I'm kinda mad because I was under the impression that I would maybe go two more days - to stim for 8 days total, not 7 :( The way it's sounding now, I may be triggering tomorrow for a Friday IUI, which means I'll only have stimmed for 7 days. Which sucks. I'm trying really, really hard not to take this as a bad thing, but I really, really want to go for 8 days. I just have this feeling that it would be better. Stupid, yes. Illogical, yes. Crazy, yes. But will it make me feel better - YES. I may be calling my nurse back. Or maybe I'll just wait until tomorrow and see what they say then. If follicles only grow 2mm per day, then tomorrow they won't be ready anyway. Maybe if I can just coast the 8th night - no meds. I know its stupid but I'm having high anxiety over this - the possibility of triggering tomorrow.

Monday, May 18, 2009

The Weekend Recap

Had a pretty great weekend. The weather was wonderful (even downright cool!) and we had a lot of fun. Saturday I went to the A.lief job fair, which was horrible. I wish the cool front had come in then, because they didn't turn on the AC all the way, and everyone was sweating. We stood around in lines for 3 hours, I talked to 10 people for like 10 seconds and that was it. It felt very discouraging. I highly doubt I will get a call back from any of the schools I met with. I don't know what to do, other than looking for a job elsewhere, or in some other field.

We went to lunch with A&P and then went over to Alex and Jen's. We swam and hung out with friends*. I wasn't drinking, but it was a lot of fun. Sunday morning, we had an appointment, got there SUPER early (like 7:15 - they didn't even open until 7:30 and usually don't start taking appointments until 8 - whoops! Nurse said it was fine, and she was happy we were there early, but who knows, really). After that, we had breakfast and then saw S.tar T.rek. It was great. The 10:10am showing only cost $10 for the both of us! We'll be doing that again. I couldn't believe how affordable it was. We've been avoiding movie theaters and just waiting for movies to come out and buy them used because $20 for two of us to see a movie seems ridiculous. After that we went home and hung out until it was time for bed.

Overall, a pretty fun weekend, although I am NOT looking forward to next weekend. Memorial Day. We're hanging out with Alex and Jen again, except the newly pregnant (announced she was pg at FOUR WEEKS and has been married for um, 3 months?) neighbor's son and DIL will be there. I hate the neighbors and don't care much for the son and DIL, on top of the fact that they're pregnant. Ugh. Just what I don't want. To hang around THAT. We'll see who else is there and how long we stay. I'm assuming my IUI will be at the end of this week, so no swimming or drinking for me, which sucks. Especially since getting drunk sounds like a lovely way to avoid that nightmare. We'll probably be leaving early that day. I may not be feeling very well.

At the Sunday morning appointment, we only had blood drawn. I didn't make a fuss about it like I kinda wanted to, for which I patted myself on the back. My e2 was 186. I am to continue the 150iu of Gonal and I go back in Tuesday for blood work AND a scan. My boobs have been so painful, I was kinda worried about what was happening with my hormones and figured that if I had high levels of estrogen to make them hurt that I would get over-stimulated and get cancelled (or we would get transferred to IVF). They had an almost burning sensation on the tops of them. Its not so bad this morning, but man was it painful last night. My skin also feels very sensitive. I wonder if it's because of the Gonal...

*There was this other couple there who brought their 1.5 year old daughter - we hadn't seen them since she was pg and don't really know them well. I like them, but really didn't need to hear about how smart we are for waiting until we're older to have kids and how much they change your life (nice assumption there, asshole). She just went on about how hard it was and that she loves her, but... hard work, yapyapyap. I kinda wanted to say something shocking and somewhat rude about our situation but managed to restrain myself. Good for me. Another pat on the back for that.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Ack! Almost forgot...

I wanted to make sure I charted, or at least recorded everything from this cycle. And on CD 2 when I had the scan and b/w, my lining was 3.3 (good) and my e2 was 62 (also good). I'll make sure to update on Sunday, when I get b/w results back. Apparently they aren't doing a scan, which I'm not happy about. I kinda feel like they're being cheapskates and I'm mad because I'm paying $500 more dollars for an injectibles only cycle, which means more monitoring. And I'm not getting a scan. If I get too many follies that are too big and have to cancel the cycle, I'm gonna be pissed. P-I-S-S-E-D. So we shall see.

Oh, and nothing on the house. We haven't had a showing in forever, we haven't had a single open house and our info box out front has been empty for days. Yeah. And that's all I'll say about that.

Non-Title Title

Not too much to report here. Today will be day 3 of 150iu of Gonal. So that's fun - no really. I don't mind the shots and, in fact, look forward to them. Because it means I'm doing something and things are progressing. And, really, I only get to feel like this for maybe a week, before the 2ww starts. Yay for the shots. My next appointment is Sunday, where we see where's I'm at. I hung out with my sister this week, which was fun, especially since I don't get to see her very often. There's a job fair Saturday I need to go to, and need to get ready for - oh holy crap - that's tomorrow! Well, I guess I just planned out my day, along with watching Grey's season finale. I hope it's not going to be ruined like The Office. So bittersweet. So sad for myself.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Today was a Big Day

And I am tired. Marc is bringing me food which makes me very happy.

So it started off with the dermatologist appointment this morning at 10. He seemed really nice and removed one 'abnormal' looking mole to send off and one unsightly skin tag I was SO glad to be rid of. They now hurt, but didn't at the time. So that's good. He also gave me a safe rosecea medicine I can use while pregnant (that the RE even okayed).

I then went to meet and talk with Dr. M, who I love. Talking to her always gives me such hope and optimism. She answers my questions, doesn't mind that I ask them and knows me. Like, doesn't have to look at my chart to know my history and know what I've been through and know who I am. Which means so, so much. She helped clear my worries of:

- other testing that may catch something
- my short LP
- the study I read online about PCOS/early miscarriage rates and Met.formin. (That met would bring down the higher chance of m/c that PCOS girls have.)
- my stimming length of time
- when to go to IVF

It was just really nice to talk to her about things. She gave me a card to the resident therapist and told me if I was feeling especially stressed and frustrated that I should call and see what I think about going to some support groups or talking to her. I know I should think about it, but it's very hard to think that I can do that with the $$ situation the way it is. Realistically, we probably shouldn't even think about moving right now, should fire our maid, shouldn't get a dog, should sell our new iPhones on ebay, and I should start applying for jobs at fast food restaurants. I'm stressed because I just paid medical bills. Which are now even higher.

Back to my talk with Dr. M; I have been tested for everything that is a valid test. My short LP is a concern (which - HA! I knew they never noted that when I told them my period was starting super early after the IUIs) so I am now on Endo.metrin which is fucking expensive. (I know it's nothing like IVF meds, but we aren't at IVF... and I know it could be a lot worse and am glad I respond well to low-ish doses of Gonal.) My concerns about Met and m/c and PCOS is not super valid. Apparently there was a study that tested Met and getting pg with a sub study of m/c rates. And the people on Met who got pg didn't have a lower rate of m/c - in fact it was slightly higher. So, no Met for me, which I'm somewhat happy to hear about given the recent increase in fertility meds I'm taking and the $$. Stimming for a certain length of time... well, as long as it's not short, like 5 days, anything from 7 to 10 days is good. And won't make a big difference if we go 7 instead of 10. So that worry is set aside.

The last is the IVF. She asked what we were thinking about it and that we should start to think about it. (I didn't tell her that we both have had it sitting in the back of our minds since this thing started. We both just automatically subtract $40,000 out of savings and then stress about it. And buying a house and such. STRESS.) She also confirmed some serious doubts. IVF won't help us stay pregnant, it will just get us pregnant faster. Considering I've conceived twice, with no live baby, it is not a pleasant thought that we should pay 5 times more for the same result.

If we don't conceive in this IUI or the next, we will seriously venture into IVF. That's the standard. 3-4 failed inject/IUI cycles says time for IVF. IVF will give us more information. Like egg quality that blood tests aren't picking up on. Or sperm issues that a SA doesn't see. Or fertilization problems. There's all sort of things that could help answer the IF question further. Unfortunately, none of these answers mean anything if we do IVF and get a BFN. I mean, it's not like there's a better treatment out there. IVF is it.

I admitted that I was probably more scared of getting pregnant again than I am of anything else. I would just wait for the other shoe to drop. She told me that she knows that it will happen for me, that I will be pregnant. And it feels so good to have someone tell me with such honest, pure, BELIEF that this will happen for us.

So, onto the rest of my day. I then had a scan and blood work. The scan was awesome. I told the tech that I would seriously probably cry if there was a cyst - I think I freaked her out a little. But - no cysts! This cycle is a go! I'm waiting for my e2 levels back and official instructions that I'm to start the Gonal tonight. The b/w didn't hurt either. Sometimes it just feels like they are stabbing my arm. I got a free box of Endomet.rin which was nice, considering I now know how expensive it is. And I confirmed the order for all the meds I will get tomorrow. And abused my AMEX to the tune of ~$700 for those meds. Ouch!

I am super, retardedly excited to start this cycle, so I can't wait for the phone call and tomorrow's first injection. (Now I just need to worry about using expired meds and if they're still good... god I hope so. I can't imagine that I wasted all that money.) But! Wish me luck on this cycle! And tell me how beautiful our new puppy (getting her end of May/beginning of June) is!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day and iPhones

So Happy Mother's Day* and all that jazz. Yay for moms. Good for you. Thanks especially to the moms in my family for birthing me and my hubs. The end of all that.

So in even more exciting news... iPhones! We has them! We went to the phone store and paid the (gulp) $199 each and have spent the entire weekend with our heads stuck in our phones and apps. And weeee! How do I love it? Let me count the ways... I think I've pretty much sold everyone I've come in contact with on it. They should pay me much for extolling the awesome-ness of the phone. So we've been having lots of fun.

We've officially picked a pup - Blue! We're very excited to officially choose her to be in our family and can't wait for her to come home. I will be on poop duty soon. (Marc does the cats, so I suppose it's only fair that I do the dog, but also fair to point out the daily soon-to-be horse-like poop I will be dealing with.) I hope potty training is easy and fast. So does our still-for-sale-house carpet. Speaking of which, the showings have s..loooo...w...www..eeedddd... big time. We need a miracle this summer. Actually, we need several major ones, so I shouldn't be too specific for what I ask for, since any of the three will do nicely *ahemjobhousebabyahem* but we'd really like them all, if it's not too much to ask. (God, I think something got stuck in my throat/finger knuckles there a second.)

And... last and least, today was the last of the Provera. I really hope that I start my period soon and put all the hormonal nonsense of last week in the past. The s/e's slowly eased off the next day after writing the previous post, and are gone now, so all we need is some crimson tide action. Go Red!

*And I wish an even happier Mother's Day to families who have lost their babies and to those who are trying so desperately to have them. I wish strength onto all of us.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Never Before Experienced Side Effects of Provera

Or Holy Hot Flashes, Fatigue and Boob Soreness.

Seriously. I took a pregnancy test this morning, just to be sure (I keep replaying the women from 'I didn't know I was pregnant' in my head who swore they took pregnancy tests that were negative and thinking, well if it happened to them...) And that is utterly retarded. *

But, the side effects! My god, they are a-plenty. I'm flashing during the day (not at night, or at least not enough to wake me up) and not as strongly as when I was on Clomid, but enough to feel 'moist' all over. While in my air-conditioned, fanned house wearing a sports bra, very thin pj pants and undies. (Please don't let anyone knock on my door today! I'd burn their eyes out.) I'm tired but that could be attributed to something else**, and my boobs. My god. My boobs. They hu-uuuuuu-urttttttt. They feel so heavy and they are so sore. I have to say, I'm very surprised I'm responding to the Provera this way this time around. I've never had anything remotely approaching this level of side effect, but I'm feeling it now. Oh well. Only four (!!) more days to go and then hopefully I'll start my period.
*But, apparently, not so retarded. I called in to my clinic and left a message asking them about these side effects and they called back and said that Provera is not known to cause them. She asked if I took a HPT before taking Provera (which - duh - I mean, who wouldn't do that?) and I said yes and one this morning (to which she said good) and that they were both negative. She said that my hormones are probably all screwed up and that my estrogen levels could be high, which is causing me not to start, but giving me these s/e's. I asked her if I haven't started my period by what day should I call back and she said to give it a week. Ugggghhhh... So now this cycle may be all FUBAR. I mean, what the fuck? I just hope my hormones get themselves straightened out so I can have a period and start my cycle.

**Yesterday and Monday Anthony's school was closed due to the Swine flu so I got to watch him all day. Monday we went to Chik.F.A and ate lunch. A played in the jungle gym while I watched and came out to eat when he felt like it. We played at the house and he fell asleep before Jen got home. Yesterday we went to the zoo. From 10 am to 1:45 pm. And it. was. hot. I was worn out from all the walking and the heat. And so was A who was a little cranky when we got back to the house, but overall was awesome both days. And it was the coolest thing ever. Other people thought I was his mom (even though I look nothing like him blond/blue vs red/green). And it kinda felt like this could be me and my kid one day. And that was the coolest feeling ever. It was so encouraging to know that one day I WILL be doing this with my own child. I could just, for a moment, picture it, as I pushed A in his stroller through the zoo and watched him play at CFA. I know I will be a mother soon. My time is soon approaching, and I can't wait.

In other 'mother' news, we are picking out a dog this week. We have to decide between Pink girl and Blue girl, before Saturday. They have people coming over to look at the dogs and don't know if they prefer a gender, and if they want a female, they have to know which one is available. So the hard decision is being thought out. As Marc pointed out there is no wrong answer here. We did a preliminary 'which one do you want' and we came up with different answers, of course.

It's so funny. Since the pups were born both Marc and Amy have liked Pink over Blue. Because I'm obstinate and feel bad for the underdog, I liked Blue better. I felt bad that no one else liked her and that they perceived her to be the "not as cool" dog. Pink would cuddle more and seemed to tolerate more than Blue. But I didn't care. I held Blue and figured out that she didn't like being held like Marc and Amy wanted to hold her - she preferred to sit upright and not be as smothered. We played with them last night, trying to decide. I clipped their toes and Pink seemed more bothered by it than Blue. Pink is the fawn colored one, whereas Blue is more apricot (and, to be honest a little bit uglier - lots of black undercoating, with the red and a blond-ish furry like appearance - not smooth coated; we don't really know what she will look like older when all the puppy undercoating falls out). Marc has pointed out that getting a fawn would be neat because then our dog would look different than Amy's adult ones, the parents, who are both apricot. Pink is also about 8 ounces lighter than Blue, and would probably be a smaller dog. I thought as first-ish time dog owners, a smaller dog would be smarter. (Although, as my friend Sarah pointed out, with a giant breed it's like a 100 story building and a 80 story building - big is big, even if one is slightly smaller.) Both seemed to be playful and come when called (as much as five week old pups do). I'm worried that we'll be making our decision with Pink being a little developmentally behind, because she's so small, and we won't see her true personality before we make a decision. Blue is the one who plays more aggressively with her brothers. Both seem inquisitive and will go check things out outside their comfort zone. Blue follows Amy around. Pink seems more delicate. Both are chewing on things already (of course).

So, in our vote last night, Marc chose Blue and I chose Pink. I thought it out and had all my reasons and Marc went with his gut. One of the other reasons I chose Pink is because that's who I thought Marc would like. Because, all along I've liked Blue and am now wondering if I like her because I felt bad for her in the beginning, and have grown more attached. So I need to play with Pink some more to see. Our coin toss also had Blue winning 2 out of 3. I'm thinking we should narrow down some names and see what we like and who we like for it. Marc still loves Leinenkugal (and calling her Leine; like Line-y, which is not my favorite and think sounds like heinie. I think I like Kimble the best so far, but Marc doesn't love it *sigh*).

So, if you have an opinion, vote! Tell me what to do!

Today is also the great laundry day. Marc wants all of his shirts washed. ALL OF THEM. Some of them have started to have an almost chemically smell that he can't stand, so today, out of the kindness of my heart, I am washing them. This also means that I'll be able to sort them in his closet as I please (mwah-hahahaha). I believe I will sort his work shirts by color (like my side) and then his t-shirts by type (comedy, concert tee, sports) and sub-sort those by color. I have to take all his long sleeved 'dress' shirts to be dry-cleaned as well. Fun day for an unemployed wife!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Thank you Swine Flu

Our friend's son's day school is closed, thanks to the swine flu here in Houston, so I'm spending the next couple of days hanging out with him. Marc, with his superior knowledge of everything, thinks all this is over-hyped sensationalism that is completely ridiculous. I agree he has a point. For instance, closing down random schools... so the middle school is closed, but the elementary and high school, where students may have siblings, are open? And all the malls are open, so instead of going to school, people are congregating in other public spots - not exactly helping stop the spread of the virus if some of these people are infected. I'm sure officials are just covering their asses, in case this thing turns out to be real. I told Marc that if I were in the 2ww or even stimming, I probably would not watch Anthony (our friend's 2 year old). His school had a confirmed case and in the off chance I was pregnant or stimming to become pregnant (spending lots of money) I wouldn't want to get sick and throw a cycle away. I still don't want to throw a cycle away, and if I do get sick, I will be pissed, but since I know I'm not pg and only taking Provera to get my period, I figure I should help out since I can.

So that's what my plans are for the week. I was going to maybe visit my sister, but probably not now. I'll just be taking my Provera, hoping to get my period before I take all the pills, and watching Anthony.

Friday, May 1, 2009

It's May Day

The first of ten days of Provera.... done! Yay! Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and the day I can upgrade my cell phone - yay! Marc says we can't afford i.Phones for both of us. Well, really either of us. So I don't know what we're going to get.

I'm trying to stay positive about the beginning of something great; a wonderful cycle where I'll get (AND STAY) pregnant. I also need to make a list of things to ask Dr. M. about at our May 12 phone appointment. By then, I will be done with the Provera, and hopefully really, really close to starting my period, and starting all the doctor visits, bloodwork and scans, injections, and obsessing over everything...


So today is the day. (Technically.) It is 1:29am right now, so it's officially May. And officially the day I get my rx for Provera. After this long wait that feels like it has dragged on for forever. And I'm quite sad. I don't want to POAS tomorrow because I know it will be negative and it just breaks my heart knowing that I have to look at a negative pee stick tomorrow morning. It just really, really sucks and I'm already devastated. I know it'll be a step forward in this process that will eventually lead to a baby, but right now it just hurts.

Oh yeah. And I finally pooped tonight.