Insurance and IF

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Barely Pregnant

So my last beta (July 29) was 11. Which means I'm almost done. Thank god. I couldn't be happier that this happened naturally and is almost over. I'm still sad about everything, but at least there's not any lingering worries and we can move on.

Yucky

Is how I feel. I have the cramps. I guess it's safe to say that I have officially started the miscarriage process of the Developmentally Challenged Embryo. Yay! Because, if that is indeed true, then I do not have an ectopic! Yay! And that means I can go back to injecting things into my stomach sooner! Ya - oh wait... No, but it does mean we can start trying again sooner. Like in a month. And I can use that month to take a break from all the treatments and go out and have a drink, already. Sheesh. But a break from all the doctor's appointments, blood draws and meds will be nice (or so I'm telling myself). I just hope everything leaves on its own, without any lingering pieces of tissue. I"m waiting until things get really rowdy and out of control and then I'm going home. This weekend it started, but wasn't a gushing rush of things. More like heavy spotting. So I have to be careful and pick the good day to stay home carefully, cuz its not like I get all sorts of vacation.

In other news, I fianlly made it out to the new outlet mall outside Houston. I have to say, I was pretty disappointed. I thought they would have a lot more. San Marcos is definitely the outlet mall to visit, which I will plan on next. I'm thinking it wouldn't be too hard to drag Sarah out there with me and, maybe if we wanted, we could stay at George and Bob's.

However, they did have a makeup store. Oh yes. And that is where I spent my money. Mwah-hahaha... It was a Clinique/Estee Lauder/Bobbi Brown/MAC store. So I got some goodies. Oh yes. I decided I was going to remain optimistic and not buy clothes, but also avoided any baby/kid stores. So I bought makeup and the Clinique skincare regimen I had my eye on. I was sorely temoted in the Kate Spade store, but not so much at the Coach store, which was a freaking mad house.

And now, because I can't hink of anything else. My God. Dear God. The cramping is so much worse now. It's so bad. It hurts so bad. I just can't wait for this to be over.

And I totally forgot to mention that my beta on Friday, the 25th was 73. So it definitely went down which is also promising towards a natural m/c.

UPDATE

So my number was only 93. Not good. They said there is no way the pregnancy is viable and that my numbers were "inappropriately* rising". I go back Friday to see if my numbers start dropping on their own. I hope to miscarry naturally, so we can get back into the TTC swing of things in no time. The nurses said we would only have to wait a month. Now I'm just waiting to miscarry. I don't know if or when I'll find out if its ectopic. So I'm still a ticking time bomb in that sense, in another, that I could miscarry anytime, anywhere. Everything I read said that I would have spotting, but so far that hasn't happened. We'll see. I'm hoping its just like a heavy period.

I've had a sick sense of humor about this, which I think that being able to laugh, or find something to amuse myself with about this situation has kept me from being really depressed.

So here is a list of Things I Have Recently Found Inappropriately* Funny:

1. I laughed when I realized that if I started to miscarry I would bleed all over myself because I didn't have any necessary "supplies". You can't wear a tampon, after all.

2. I don't know what to call the thing in me, so I tried to come up with names for it. Dead Baby wasn't right. I couldn't keep calling it "Zoe the Zygote". Dead Zygote didn't have the right ring to it. Developmentally Challenged Embryo is where I settled eventually. This was as we were going to bed the other night.

3. Yes, I dragged my unwitting, sweetheart husband in on that conversation. He did not find it so humorous.

4. I also am not quite satisfied with the term Developmentally Challenged Embryo because it doesn't have the word "Dead" in it. Is that funny? Or just really sick?

5. Is it appropriate* to still call the next pregnancy "Zoe the Zygote" or would we be jinxing it? What do we call it then? Is it inappropriate* if we call it the same thing?

6. The phrase "inappropriately* rising" in reference to my beta numbers. It's just funny to me! Why that phrase? Why did it stick with me? I don't know, but I get a chuckle out of it.

*I just have to use it a lot. It's funny. The word just will not leave my mind. It is stuck like glue, unlike my Developmentally Challenged Embryo.** (HA!***)

**Also, I spelt the words appropriate and inappropriate correctly every time I used it in this post. Hooray for me! No Developmentally Challenged Embryo sucking my brain cells!

*** I made another funny! I guess that should technically be number 7, but whatever.

Beta #4 Today

I'm waiting on my phone call. I don't really know how to feel. I'm kinda numb. It's weird, because I have all these pregnancy "symptoms", yet the knowledge that this could turn out to be something terrible casts this horrible shadow over everything. I can't really be excited. I'm not really expecting any kind of answer today. I know that I'll most likely go in next Monday for a scan. I just don't know how to be. Positive, at the risk of yet another crushing number? Negative, so I'm expecting it, but possibly making my own fear come to life? I still have hope. Barely. I didn't realize how much I didn't have until yesterday when I was telling J about it.

And I already know I'm going to miss this feeling. Knowing that there is life inside me. Waking up every morning and feeling pregnant. All the symptoms throughout the day that go along with a pregnancy. Knowing that I'll get to have a baby of my own within 9 months.

Today

Today is hard already. I'm already feeling weepy and I don't know why. Well, I know why, it just feels so random.

So I've decided that I'm either living in an action movie, a fairy tale or a depressing, sad documentary. I've either got a ticking time bomb; a slow starting, but healthy baby or well... that outcome is just too much for me right now and doesn't help to keep the tears away. Damn these pregnancy hormones that only seem to be able to make me cry. Where's the upswing?

I'm officially 5w0d today.

Tomorrow is another beta. And next Monday, is the scan, unless something happens before that. Like my fallopian tube exploding.

I would guess that if my beta is plateaued or falling, a scan would be unnecessary. I really hope not. I'm still hoping for the best.

And I can't help but thinking - wouldn't this be an interesting pregnancy story, were it all to turn out ok.

Distraught

This is hell. My third beta: 72. It only went up by 45% and didn't come close to doubling. But, it went up. I have a fourth beta scheduled for Tuesday. They told me they think its ectopic, but would have to wait until I was 6 weeks so they could do a scan to confirm either way. I swear this has been the best and worst week all at once. I will be 6 weeks on the 28th. I hope I won't need surgery, if it is ectopic. If it is, it will put us off trying for several months.

I really, really want to hold out for hope here, but it's really hard.

To summarize: ten days of limbo hell and a shot in the dark I'll see a sac in my uterus. I'll be praying for a heartbeat.

Beta #3 today

And I'm feeling pretty confident. I know the Zoe the Zygote is going to kick it's ass and be all like beta whaa? Please bitch. I own you. Oh yeah. I'm carrying driven, determined baby now. Oh yeah.

And I have to say, I found support most on The Nest SAIF board. Specifically this, from a fellow Nestie from her doctor when she was upset about a low beta (15):

"And he pointed something out to me that I won't forget, he said, " Deanna, you
are pregnant. Your beta proves that you are pregnant because it is over 5 and I
consider that pregnant. You have to stop and think how many people do not see
RE's and do not have their beta #'s. They have no clue if their beta's are 15 or
150 at their first pregnancy test but yet they are still excited and happy when
that plus sign pops up. So try to look at it from that perspective and don't put
so much on a number. ""

That little piece of wisdom has helped me immensely; many many thanks to Deanna, who shared that with me. And so I'm confident and excited and pregnant. And I love it.

Trying really hard to feel good about things

I'm a mess right now. My beta is 49.7. So it went up 60%, but didn't double. So I have to go back in for another one on Friday.

Please, please, please, please, please let Friday's number be high. I'm trying really hard to be positive. Really hard.

I need to chill...

I am so freaked out. Today was the second beta. I'm waiting on my phone call to tell me what the number is. I am so freaked out. On one hand, it feels so real that I can't believe it could be taken away so quickly. On the other, it feels so unreal that I kinda ask myself - would it really be that surprising? I'm totally on edge. Marc didn't go with me today, and there was someone other than CJ who drew my blood. Needless to say, it worried me. I'm just so freaked. I feel so attached to it and the idea and the future and everything, that I don't know what I'd do if it turned out not to be real. I don't feel like I really fit in on either board over on the Nest and can't talk about it to anyone because no one knows.

I swear this is worse than the 2ww. I just need to relax. What happened to the calm, serene Lawren of the 2ww? lol she disappeared the minute I found out I was pregnant and heard the number. I cherish every symptom, the sore boobs and slight cramping in my back and stomach. I've peed on all the sticks I have at home, hoping to see them turn right away. I bought more on my way to work. I NEED this number to come back high. Please, God. I'm so ready for this.

Knock me over with a feather

Really. Well, not in a literal sense, in light of more recent news. News that says I'm pregnant.

Cue jaw dropping. Cue the shock and surprise. Cue the crying in a very public Schlotzsky's because our house is being shown.

Now for the worrisome news. My beta was only 30. They like to see 50 or higher. I'd kill to see higher. Like in the thousands, please. So I go back Wednesday. Good God.

I'm fr-eeeeeeeeeakkk-ing.

Beta #1 this Morning

So this morning was the blood draw to see if I dun got knocked up. I haven't started my period yet. Weird. I have slight cramps that feel like I'm going to any minute. I'll probably start even before I get the phone call.

I tested on Saturday night with a dollar test so I could see if I could take Sudafed (if it was negative) - oh the allergies, they are here.

I took the damn Sudafed and felt much better. But I took it. Dammit. Damn it all to hell.

George and Bob stayed the night with us last night as a stop-gap on their way home. They bought a fancy new car in Florida (they saved $$ that paid for the airfare out there and Bob got to fish) and drove it back this weekend. It was nice to have them... we went to dinner with Amy and the Pomadchin's and generally hung out and had a relaxing visit.

I also slept like a teenager this weekend... I went to bed Friday and 11 and slept till 10 and then Saturday went to bed at 10 and slept till 9! Man, I was tired! I had a difficult time falling asleep last night, but slept fine.

So back to this morning. I had my blood drawn. And while the tech (CJ - the best) was drawing it she prayed over me. I'm not an especially religious person. I grew up going to church, but don't go now and generally disagree with the concept of 'religion'. And, to be completely honest, I was pretty surprised and didn't quite know how to feel about it. But, she prayed over me, and it meant so much. I see her probably more than I'd like, but she is still a relative stranger. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me through this process. After she was done, she gave me a hug and wished me good luck. There should be more people in the world like that.

Vacation Plans Made!

I am so excited! There's nothing quite like booking airline reservations for a vacation. I love having something to look forward to. We are going to Door county in northern Wisconsin in mid October for SIX days - a nice long vacation! Marc's mom, George, booked an entire B&B up there and invited us to come and stay. Marc's step-sister and her husband (both who I love) are going as well. I'm so excited about it. I hope to be pregnant by then and hope to do nothing but lay around, see the town we'll be in and relax... I found a website and it all looks so cute! They have orchard maps, lighthouses everywhere and since its on a pennisula, there is a lot of water to see... Yay!

8dpiui/o

I'm thinking of not testing this time around. I'll just wait until my period doesn't show up or I get a blood test (next Monday). Of course, I am so totally knocked up right now. Oh yeah. Just waiting on the morning sickness to kick in. I can feel it wanting to start.

As you can probably tell, we're being really optimistic this round. We've named the baby Zoe the Zygote. We're seriously looking at middle names. ('O' names for a girl are super difficult, I might add.) So our hopes are pretty far up there, even though this is completely against my nature. I am normally very cautious and am very careful about what I say. So this is weird for me.

It is nice not to be completely worried and freaked about whats going to happen. I feel much calmer this 2ww knowing that what will happen, will happen and there's not much I can do about it all. I'm not stressed about taking a HPT or anything. I'm trying not to over analyze everything I'm feeling, as a possible positive or negative sign of pregnancy.

TMI

So I had my IUI on Monday. Monday night I had extreme pain down there. I went to the doctor yesterday and found out I have (see title before reading further - you've been warned) a badly infected hair follicle. Oh yes. One might call what I have a boil (but that sounds gross, so we'll just say 'an infection' mmmk?) down there. So infected in fact, my lymph nodes are screaming and it hurts to do anything resembling walking and sitting. Being horizontal is nice though. I am on antibiotics and a hot compress routine (which is pretty difficult thing to do at work). I need to buy some yogurt to fight off any other down there problems that may arise from the antibiotics.

So won't this be a funny pregnancy story? I am being fully optimistic at this point. I am pregnant, or will shortly be. The zygote is traveling out of the fallopian tube to make a nice home on my lovely triple-patterned uterine lining.

We are on our way to SA this weekend (tomorrow, in fact) which means I'll need to do some packing and cleaning and laundry tonight. Fun! I'm not sure if I can go swimming what with the infection and the recent procedure as I call it to my boss who doesn't really know whats going on with me.

I also realize I've been gaining weight at an astounding rate. And I want a cookie cake. So there's that. I'm not so slowly outgrowing my pants. All my 'big' work pants are now my regular pants. It's mighty uncomforatble. I need to chill with the eating of whatever I want.