I made this IUI my bitch today

So we had IUI#2 today. Fuck Yeah. I kicked its bitch-ass butt. For reals yo. I'm now experiencing some light cramping - pretty much exactly like the first IUI. No swimming, no hot baths, no exercise. Marc made a smart ass comment about how that last one 'wouldn't be a problem for me' not-so-subtly referring to the fact that I don't exercise. So, now onto the dreaded two week wait. Before, I was all paranoid about when I would test, but this time, I'm just kinda feeling like I'll get my period if I don't get pregnant. It's nature time now. I talked to my gut a little and told the eggs to be nice and the sperms to be aggressive and infiltrating and all that nasty, hostile, take-over stuff that is so boy-like. And I told my eggs to take it and like it and be owned. So, we'll see what happens. I'm strangely optimistic. The nurses made me feel really good about how I'm going to get pregnant tonight (the egg and sperm join) and then in 3-5 days the egg/sperm will make a nice home on the wall of my uterus. So, I feel like that will happen. Homework tonight and tomorrow, just like last time.

This weekend was fun. Sarah came over to learn to play Halo, spent the night and then got stranded the next day because her car wouldn't start. It was a huge pain in the ass. We had a doctor's appointment on Saturday and when we came back with breakfast, Sarah tried to leave and we got ready to leave for Alex's Citizen party. Of course that was all for nothing as we stayed and waited with Sarah for a tow truck and mechanic until 1. I felt horrible. Absolutely horrible. We left her. I am a sucky, sucky friend because I left her and because I wasn't able to help Jen get ready for the party. We sucked. I was so irritated at myself and the whole situation. Couldn't look at or do anything but be mad a frustrated and guilty. Anyway, ten minutes after we left the tow truck showed up. After waiting for hours, it finally came. Figures. Hopefully her car is getting better and will be drivable today. She'll probably never want to come over again, but at least she played Halo once.

Alex's party was fun. We swam. I got burned. I played with Anthony. I triggered. The Saturday morning appointment showed that I had on the right follicle a 18.8 and 15.2mm and on my left follicle a 19.1mm. My estrogen levels jumped to 1,112 and my lining was "nice and thick with a triple something pattern". So, yay! I also had around 20 smaller follicles on each ovary, some in the 12mm range, which kinda freaked me out. No high order multiples, please!

Sunday was movie day for us. We saw Wall-E and Wanted. Both good. Wall-E was cute and 'adult', and Wanted was a lot better than I thought it would be. It was a lot of fun and Marc and I both really enjoyed it. We also saw the first 10 minutes of Get Smart, and I have to say - I wasn't impressed. And so, another week begins, albeit a short week. Thank god the Fourth of July is this week. We plan on trekking up to San Antone to see Marc's mom and step dad and swim, hang out and have a good time. I'm very excited about that. We leave Thursday night. Hopefully the work week will be pretty slow and I'll have a nice, easygoing two week wait.

I Am Slacker

Totally. I feel bad. Last update 6-16. Wowza. I guess I haven't posted because I've been depressed and unsure.

To get everyone updated, I am on CD 19. I am on the 12th day of stims. I have used 4 Gonal-f (300iu) pens, which translates to $1000. They doubled my dosage Monday the 23rd after no follicular growth and no estrogen increase over the weekend. I was depressed. I felt like we flushed $250 down the toliet. I thought the cycle would end up cancelled. I thought we would get pushed to IVF, hardcore. There were also lots of blood drawing attempts. Many that were unsuccessful. Many. All I can say is that I am oh, so glad CJ is back from vacation.

Today's appointment went well, even though I wore black and had my hair up. (Silly superstitions) I have growth! I have two at 13.something and one at 11. I will continue stimming tonight and will go in again tomorrow. So that pretty much rocks. There is talk of possibly triggering tomorrow (although I want to wait until Saturday night).

So, although I have felt like this is the longest cycle in the world, at least its going somewhere, finally. And that makes me happy.


(Do I really need to say that me being happy is all that counts? I feel it is a known thing, but here I am saying it. Just so you know.)

Posting too Soon

So, yeah. Am a bit shame-faced here. Turns out that dosage is perfect for me and my 61 follicles and that they'd rather I start off nice and slow that have too many and end up with a cancelled cycle due to over-stimulation. She said I could be on injections for up to 12 days!! That's a lot of bruising... (I'm good at bruising myself when giving myself injections - yay). So I'm a lot comforted knowing that we're taking the slow route that will eventually pay off with hopefully more than one mature follicle.

What The FUCK?

So, needless to say, I'm a bit frustrated. We had an 8:00am doctor's appointment Sunday. I had no measurable follicles after 5 days of 100mg of Clomid. My lining was still thin at 4.6mm. I got the voicemail later that day that instructed me to do 75iu of Gonal and that they would see me again on Wednesday. I am so frustrated I want to cry.

My last cycle I did the Clomid then 4 days of 75iu of Gonal and ended up with ONE follicle at a measly 16.4mm when I triggered. Not surprisingly, I got a BFN. So WHY would they not increase the dosage of Gonal? I don't even have a good starting point, follicle size wise. I am so frustrated and am working myself into a good upset. Do they not want the IUI to work? Do they just want me to go to IVF? I swear, if they push me on IVF, I'm going to see another RE for a second opinion. I AM NOT READY to accept that IVF is our only chance. I'm waiting to hear back from the nurse about whether or not they'll increase the dosage. I better hear back soon or else I'm making an appointment with the doctor to talk about this with her today (if possible). I will be super pissed if this cycle gets cancelled.

Super pissed. I seriously want to cry right now.

In other news, we had two showings this weekend. Or, I should say, we had two scheduled. We don't know if they actually showed up or not. Ugh. And a big shout-out to our neighbors who left their laundry out for the potential showings. We made a special trip to the Home Depot for you. Looking forward to spending $100 or so on plants to hide your laundry. Thanks a bunch.

Yesterday we went over to my parent's house and went swimming and stuff. I told my mom about our IF and stuff. It was a big step for me. She just kept bringing up these people who had recently had babies and then she told me about how my BFF from high school was diagnosed with endometriosis, had lap surgery and was told that if she wanted kids she'd have to try right away. And she told me about her sister who had a m/c at 10 weeks. She gave me this really sweet book called Someday that almost made me cry and so I decided to tell her. It was kinda weird. She was nice about it. Wanted to know about all the science and stuff. I guess she approached it the way I would... give me the facts so I know what we're/you're dealing with. I refrained from giving her hard dates though. I don't want to have to keep up a cycle by cycle, blow by blow with people on where we stand, pregnancy wise. I'd rather just wait until it happens and then let everyone know.

Clomeh

I hate my job sometimes.

Sometimes I like it a lot and just feel really great and everything.

And sometimes I don't.

Today is one of those days when I am happy I just applied for 3 other jobs last night. I applied for them because they offer IVF insurance coverage, but you know. Cuz sometimes I really hate my job. And I'm afraid of becoming ungood at it. And of being mediocre. And I don't really feel that I'm growing and everything it feels like I'm trying to do and learn and be good at is just one big fat mess that I will never be successful in.

Ugh.

I just want to go home today. I keep thinking that because I am looking for a new job, that I hopefully will get one and hanging onto all this vacation really isn't worth it. You know? I get 5 days that transfer into next year if I hold onto them. I've used maybe 4? I've got 6 days left where I won't touch the 5 for next year - you know - because I'll be pregnant and will want the extra week of maternity leave. And so I'm thinking that I need a vacation day. The other really sucky thing about my work is that I don't get sick days. Sick days are counted like vacation days, which really pisses me the fuck off. Because me getting sick is a total wreck to all my other plans.

Hopefully none of this will matter because I'll have a great new job with IVF coverage and will get pregnant immediately and say suck off to the company anyway.

Totally Copying

But what it says... it is what I feel. No one reads this blog, but if you do, go check out the link.

Sex and the City: Bad Charlotte

Dear Charlotte:
This is a little awkward because we don't really know each other. I mean, I know you: I've been to the spa with you (and by "been" I mean that I sat in my friend's living room watching your spa escapades on the screen while I drank a latte), I've been to your art openings, I've even...er... watched you have sex with a man from Chabad. Just trust that I really do care about you even if half the infertile world wants to impale you with the heel of your Jimmy Choos.
Listen, does it happen? Do people adopt after infertility and then become pregnant sans treatments? Yes--the number often quoted is that this happens 3% of the time. You know how many people don't adopt after attempting fertility treatments, give up on trying, and get pregnant? 3%. And that whole relax-and-it-will-happen myth? Infertility causes stress; stress doesn't cause infertility. Beyond that, you would think all the trips to the aforementioned spa and the Cosmos you downed would be relaxing enough to keep those hormone levels in check.
Can you see why we're all getting cranky with you? You were our hero--infertile girl on the small screen. Sure, infertility may have ended your marriage and struck fear in our hearts, but we could always blame it on Trey and his freaky mother. You were out there, fighting for love and family and what girl didn't wish as they were daydreaming in the clinic waiting room that you'd be sitting there primly, an open copy of Vogue on your lap, waiting to be called back for blood work and a sonogram too?
Listen, it's not just me. Sunny from My Journey Towards My Little Miracle said,

We all know Charlotte is part of our infertility community. She longed for a
family. Well she finally adopted a beautiful little girl and is very content. As
the movie begins to wrap up guess what she announces? YEP, she's pregnant! I was
happy for her but then I felt it coming. The words an IF NEVER wants to hear
EVER spoken aloud!
"I'm pregnant. I guess if you relax and adopt like they
say, you will finally get pregnant on your own!" I am not sure if these are the
exact words but they are what I remember.
Guess what I did? You won't believe
it! I first gasped! You could feel the row of my girls do the same thing. Then I
stood up, gave an ugly hand gesture and called her a 'not so nice' word very
loudly. I am blaming it all on the cosmos! Then I sat myself back down and
cried. I just couldn't believe they had to add that line into the movie.

And you know she loves you, but damn, no one who is working this hard to build their family wants to hear you discuss your daughter as a means to another child.
Lindsay at Our Family Beginnings got that the movie was about everyone achieving their personal fantasy--and getting to experience pregnancy was one of your personal fantasies. No one is begrudging you that, sweetie. But as Lindsay said,

Everyone gets the happy ending they want. So, therefore, OF COURSE she gets
pregnant. Now, as an infertile, it’s a slap in the face. It’s perpetuating the
myth that it is all our fault, that we are just too tense. And making it
Charlotte, who has always been the most uptight of the bunch - even worse. It’s
a stereotype, and a crappy one at that. So, do I look past it, as I do Carrie’s
endless acceptance of Big? Or do I bitch and moan and not get the joke. I don’t
know, but me and Lea Bee sure had fun that night flipping the bird at the
screen.

The Other Shoe points out the largest problem of all--the source for all of this misinformation and perpetuation of the stereotype:

But then they had to elaborate. And Charlotte said that her doctor told her --
her DOCTOR, people, not her mother or the girl at the checkout counter at the
grocery store -- that she had known this to happen to several of her patients.
Not only did the movie make the low, ill-informed choice to perpetuate the
infertility myth that refuses to die, they used a doctor as a mouthpiece to do
so.
You guys made shoe designers famous and kicked off a wavy of cursive
name necklaces. How can we not fear the backlash we'll have to endure from those
grasping for any advice they can pass along to help us on our way? The "just
adopt" myth--it's offensive. It's reductive and dehumanizing and treats one
child as a means for another. And seriously, as one of us--at least
fictionally--we expected more from you.

And, frankly, as fans of the show, we expected more from the writers who invented you too. If there's ever a follow up film, they may want to spend some time with the bloggers featured at Adoption All-Top. It really sucks when great resources exist and people don't use them.

Does the myth happen? Sure, 3% of the time.

But I would run from placing a storyline on those odds in a New York Minute.

Love,Mel


Melissa is the author of the infertility and pregnancy loss blog, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. She keeps a categorized blogroll of over 1300 infertility blogs and writes the daily Lost and Found and Connections Abound, a news source for the infertility blogosphere. Her infertility book, The Land of If, is forthcoming from Seal Press in Spring 2009.

ow ohmyfuckingod ow

So the heating pad has become my new best friend. I am constantly on it. I am lucky to have one at work. I have it on my back all day, and then go home and lay on one on the couch.

This period. Man. Kicking my ass.

I guess, that maybe this is 'normal'??? I mean I ovulated this cycle like 'normal'... and started my period on CD28, like 'normal'... is it really supposed to hurt this bad? And be SO heavy? Sorry for the TMI, but seriously. I'm changing supers and super pluses every couple of hours. This SUCKS. But, I'm happy to have it since it means the cycle is underway. I start Clomid tonight - yay!

And, I'm going to see the Sex and the City movie this afternoon!!! I'm super excited as I've heard great things about it. I need to bring lots of tissues (yeah - so totally on my period) but am so looking forward to it. That, and I get to leave work early. heeheehee. My bosses are sick, and I need to return some shoes to DSW before getting Marc... mwah haha.. I'm so leaving early.

Ok then. That's what we'll do.

So. Bad News First: IUI#1 was unsuccessful. I tested Sunday morning and nothing. I then started my period.

Now, for the Good News! (and no, I don't mean that kind of 'Good News') I started my period!! Day 28!! A miracle for me! I'm never anywhere close to being regular, but apparently ovulating like you're supposed to also brings out other "normal" body functions! Who knew? Marc and I were both shocked by it. Blown away. I'm still in shock. It's the best thing that could have happened after getting a negative test! This means no two week wait for AF - no Provera. This means I get to start things again - My beta appointment turned into my CD 2 rule-out-cysts ultrasound. (Which - MORE Good News - No Cysts!!! Moving Forward! Onward and Upward! More Capitalization and Exclamation Points!!)

They're also checking my hormones, so we'll see where we stand with that, but for now, we're moving forward. I have a handy prescription for Clomid and a box of Gonal-f with my name on it. I still don't know the official procedure this time around, and will meet with my RE in person during the next appointment I have to determine where we go during this cycle and after (should we need to).

This cycle, I'll do the Clomid (I'm pretty sure anyway - will depend on phone call this afternoon) and the Gonal-f. Since I only had one good sized follicle last time around, I think they'll increase the dosage to 150iu, up from 75iu. I will probably only stim for 3 days, especially with a higher dose, and then trigger and IUI time. I want to discuss the possibility of doing back to back (B2B) IUIs either this time or the next time around when I meet with the Doc. If this cycle doesn't work, I'll (probably) be off Clomid and on injectibles solely. That's just my guess, so we'll see.

In other weekend news, we were planning to be total bums until the phone calls. We had two showings! One definitely showed! lol It's funny that that's such an accomplishment. Yay for showing up - gold star next to your name.

Unfortunately, our new neighbors (renters) have made selling our house even harder. I don't know if they just don't own a dryer, or what, but they have decided the best way to dry their clothes is by stringing whatever electronic cables they have (headphone wires are apparently ok) together to make a clothesline and hang their clothes from that. Not a pretty view. I'm not happy with this development. I wouldn't want to move into the house with the neighbors who hang their clothes from electric wires; walk around outside in their wife-beater, gold chains and flip flops; and allow their teenage son to walk around in his wife-beater and flip flops in the middle of the street oblivious to cars who might be trying to get somewhere. Yeah. I'm not too happy about this whole arrangement and plan on placing a call into the Townhome Association later today.

Just... Unhappy

So I cheated yesterday. Marc told me not to, but I couldn't help myself. I peed on a stick. And it wasn't a cheap one either (the cheap ones required me to pee into a cup first and use a dropper to drop some pee onto a specific area - WTH kind of test are these?!?). It was a $10 one. And it was negative.

I did it first thing yesterday morning thinking that at 11dpIUI I might get an answer. I am now just sad.

I feel like I'm getting menstrual cramps, which means no BFP. My boobs are still a little sore, but overall I'm not thinking this worked and I'm pretty bummed out. I know its stupid to be bummed, because this was our first IUI and the chances of it actually working were low. I was just hoping. I felt like I had decent side effects and that that meant that something good was happening. Now, I realize that it's probably just residual meds and I'm all hormonal.

I feel like crying. Yay for PMS!

I think I'll test again on Sunday morning just to be sure I'm negative. I have the beta Monday morning, and I'd rather know before they call me at work and tell me I'm not pregnant. What a sucky, sucky day. And Monday won't be better.

I wish my beta were today so I could go and drink my misery away this weekend. I'm so not looking forward to telling the few people who know about this that it was negative.

Wish I Could Come With Something

So, yeah. I don't really have anything to write. I'm still waiting to test and at 10dpIUI I am super tempted. I'm going to try to hold out until the weekend, but I don't have faith that I'll actually make it that long. I woke up this morning thinking about testing, and when I fell back asleep, I had a weird dream about how I couldn't tell if it was positive or not because I didn't know where to look for the effectivity line and the test line.

I had a restless last couple of hours of sleep, as you can probably imagine. After my dream I kept waking up thinking I had slept past my alarm.

So, needless to say, I really want to test. I just want to know, already. Meh. But at the same time... am kinda freaked. I'm worried it'll be negative and a little freaked if it's positive, because, you know... I'd be having a baby - for real!

Bad blogger

So after seeing commercials about "think before you post" that at first made me laugh, then made me think and worry a bit, I might be changing the settings on this to private.

Anyway, so I'm all bloaty today. I stopped by a Dollar Tree this weekend and bought some $1 tests - four to be exact - and have been driving myself crazy not using them. I keep rationalizing that some people have tested super early and found out and I might be one of them. I just have to keep telling myself that either way, its not going to change anything and thinking that I would rather not know, than see an early negative. So that's where my head is at. Friday we had a happy hour for Michelle, a new person here at work and I had a drink - just one. It was kinda weird. I know it didn't hurt anything, but I've been so good and careful these past several weeks that it still felt weird. And aside from the bloatiness, I've also had sore boobs/nips since last Thursday and almost cramping but different - pressure in my lower abdomen since the IUI. I hope these, and the starving-ness of today are all pregnancy symptoms. I HOPE so much. I don't know that my boobs are bigger, but they definitely hurt. I'm trying to stay positive with all that's going on. I know that I feel different, I just don't know if it's leftover from the meds (like the bruise on my stomach - it's 12 days old! and still purple!) or if it's from a possible pregnancy.

That's part of the reason I haven't blogged much. I'm trying to keep from going crazy and specualting too much out loud (or on 'paper'). In other news, no news on the house! Exciting! If I am pregnant, I'd like to drop the price on it maybe. I just want to see some action!