Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Working late

:P yuck yuck yuck... I've been pretty busy today and will be busy tomorrow as well, but at least I get to be busy from home half the day. Tonight is going to blow chunks because we have to get the house ready for the contracter... ugh... talk about a chore. Marc doesn't think it will take too long, but I have a feeling it's going to be more than expected. And we get to watch the last seaon finale of Lost tonight to catch up (I'm so glad they're doing this because otherwise I would be... wait for it... lost)(heh.. heh heh I so funny) on what happened when we left off. I told Sarah that I made the blog open to strangers and told her if she wanted to find it, to try. Go ahead mutherfucker, give it your best shot! No, just kidding. But I didn't give her the name of it or any clues to help her. I guess we will see if she found it. I bet she would leave a comment and it would be my first one. :)

Oh my god, I can't believe its taking so long for this file to attach itself! Jesus!!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

An Uplifting Monday

So Monday was my first appointment with the fertility doc, or RE as I've seen them called (and will refer to my doc as, because its easier to write)(which stands for Reproductive Endocrinologist)and it went pretty well! I talked with the doc about all the options and possibilities and she set up a game plan I even got a diagnosis all in the same visit! Which, miracle upon miracle, was the very next day after being referred. I was referred Friday and was able to set an appointment for Monday. Un-freaking-believable if you ask me. A good omen for the whole business too.
As a part of the first visit, they even did a vaginal ultrasound, which showed PCOS (or polycystic ovary syndrome - here is an informative link). Which explains the huge time gap between periods and the spare tire around my waist! (Oh, wait... well, that and all the crap I eat and the lack of excercise I do daily...) And which shows that my body can produce eggs, just is unable to bring them to full maturity and release them. (Well, that's what tests so far show - but its common and a 'good' thing, considering all the 'not good' things out there.) I have a game plan for everything and I know whats happening next and what we hope to have happen (blood work, semen analysis, xray, then hopefully a clomid/IUI combo (IUI informative link here)). YAY!

Pretty fucking good for a Monday! And (shh) I got to go home after the appointment... at 2:00. Actually, I got to go shopping and then go home. The only bad thing is that I didn't get my friend a baby present and I met with her for lunch today. Bad Lawren, Bad!

Monday, January 28, 2008

What a Weekend

We were busy this weekend! Marc and I went out to Sherlock's the local pub/bar where Marc and I first met and where he proposed (we're classy like that) with Amy and got drunk and stayed out late. Marc was with me at first, but then got bored as he wasn't talking to the awesome duo that is his wife and sister (we make a great team whilst drinking) and went home. I proceeded to make a couple of waitresses at Sherlock's really pissed off at me (that's a shameful story for later) and made it home by 3ish? I think? So was quite hung over Saturday.

Saturday we met up with the Gosmanos and friends at a place called Candelari's and had pizza and beer (not that I drank the beer cuz beer = yuck... me likey the Jack Daniels). The ladies went to get dessert at Amy's Ice Cream (yum!) and then we drove out to Jennifer's birthday party and her house. We walked into a full-swinging party where everyone was drunk (not me... I was the DD). Had I been thinking, I would have taken pictures. A lot of pictures. Blackmail picures... Sunday we packed up some stuff and sat on the couch like bums. BUMS, I tell you. We never left the house and watched some crap on the TV. We even went to bed early.

Since starting the whole "trying to have a baby thing" I have told exactly THREE people about that. THREE. One is my friend/boss, one is my best friend and one is a lady I work with who prompts secret telling - she's very good - you practically can't keep anything from her. Really. Especially when you're drunk! So, had I not been drunk, she would not know. There is, as you can probably tell, some regret in that information getting out, and its all my (and Jack Daniels') fault.

And it's not that I'm ashamed of being 'infertile' (sheesh, what a label). I just consider it a very private thing. I don't think it's anyone's business but my and my husbands and I really don't want people asking about it. I mean, really. I'll let you know when I'm ready. So, I should have been prepared (or more so) when the 3rd person wanted to "talk about it". Wanted to "see how I was doing". Well, agreeing to talk to her was a mistake! I should have said, "I'm fine! Really! Nothing to talk about here! Nothing to see! Let's just move right along!"

But, no. That was not what happened. We went outside, by ourselves, and talked. And when I say we talked, what I really mean is she talked. All about her birthing experiences to her three kids. Really. REALLY. How two of them were horrible and how she wasn't having anymore, etc. And then gave me advice! Seriously - advice! Since, obviously, she's had kids and knows how to get pregnant and I am obvioulsy doing something wrong. You know, I should relax and not be stressed, cuz you know, that can make a difference. And, the kicker - my personal favorite was that, it just might not be "meant to be". Was it wrong to then ask her, well if one of your kids dies, would you like to hear, "Well, it just wasn't meant to be." I didn't say that. I know she's trying to help. But! I didn't ask for advice! I didn't ask to be consoled! I don't need those 'nice' cliche sayings! This is why I haven't told people! People are assholes! Insensitive assholes who suffer from diarrhea of the mouth!

I knew from reading other infertile people's blogs that people are dickheads about this sort of thing, especially women/mothers, for who getting pregnant wasn't difficult. I should have been more prepared, I suppose, but wasn't. It's funny how the nicest, coolest, most well-meaning people are just insensitive pricks when it comes to spouting off about things they know nothing about. I must apologize if I've ever been one, because I truely believe that she had no idea how she sounded, and to be fair, was a little drunk when telling me these things. I don't think she was purposefully callous, and I don't think you always know you're being an asshole when you are. Quite a lesson about thinking before speaking.

Friday, January 25, 2008

My Stupid Body

Or my stupid ovaries. Same diff...

Well, it seems I have officially been welcomed to the supremely shitty world of infertility. Fanfuckingtastic.

I have an appointment with an infertility specialist. Bring on the bills! The clomid didn't work. Again. And my stupid OB/GYN referred me to this other doctor after two tries on it. Not three, like she said. I guess when you increase the Clomid and I still don't ovualte that says something. That something is "Sorry - take your non-egg-producing ass to be someone else's problem." Ok, maybe that wasn't an exact quote from my doctor, but it still stings like good old fashioned rejection.

So now I get to go through what thousands, millions of other women have been forced to go through. Joy.

I have to admit, I always thought I would have a problem getting pregnant. My mom told me that ever since I had the most wonky and irregular periods. So is it that I convinced myself it would happen or was it going to happen anyway? Too philisophical for my muddled brain (its Friday people!) Knowing, believing this, I always protected myself from it. Told myself that it didn't matter if I had kids or not, that it wasn't that big a deal. I've been trying to prepare myself for this ever since I was a teenager yet, the reality sucks a lot more than I thought it would. I thought I had myself convinced that it would be ok if things didn't work out. Now, however, things have changed. I never told people I wanted kids. I will still hedge around it because I don't want to open myself to it, all the way. When people ask, I say oh maybe... we'll see! And I fool myself into thinking that this time will have worked! In fact, I was convinced I could actually be pregnant this time! I was so sure I ovulated. And,this is just the beginning. The beginning of a long road.

I just hope I can manage to maintain hope, dignity and humor through it all.


It's been almost an entire year since I last blogged. It's a good thing I remember to do this around the new year. I thought it would be a lot of fun to do, but man, am I bad a finishing things. I changed the color of the background thinking that maybe I would attempt to start anew.

Anew is a funny word. an-ew. a-new. ane-w. Words are funny (God, I feel like I'm channeling Ralph Wiggum)

I don't consider myself much of a writer - writing is never one of those things I wanted to do 'when I grew up' and I feel quite vulnerable about putting my shit out there for people to see. And read. And judge. Time to get over myself, since I am apparently doing just that. (putting my shit out there)

(Ok - I am getting seriously annoyed with myself and my lack of typing skills. Every time I type a word with a double letter in it I type the letter before the double letter twice. For example funny comes out looking like fuuny. grr)