Thursday, June 25, 2009

Update on Me!

So I've been a bit MIA here.

To catch up, yesterday was my last BCP. I took 27 days of them (my clinic always ends BCPs on Wednesdays). I started 10 units of Lupron on Monday, so I've been doing that for a couple of days. After watching the "how to give yourself IM injections" I decided I need to learn how to stab myself, instead of slowly pushing the needle in. M is deathly afraid (like will literally pass out) of needles, so he will not be giving me my IM injections. Which worries me. I don't know if I'll be able to pull back and test for blood. He may have to look after the needle is in. Anyway, so I've been stabbing myself with the Lupron needle and doing it without icing the area down (like a big girl!). And have been getting red splotches that kinda itch. I don't know if this is from jabbing the needle in, or if its just the Lupron I'm having a slight reaction to. It doesn't last longer than 30-60 minutes, so I'm not too worried about it.

But that's about it! The puppy is still in classes and we seem to have a handle on her UTI. The crate and potty training seem to be slowly coming along. We still manage to have at least one accident in the house a day (which isn't TOO bad) and she is holding it and sleeping in her crate through most of the night. We are having a major pulling problem on the leash though. She just wants to come inside immediately! This lead to the accident of the day yesterday (while I was trying to get the house ready for a showing, no less) and is causing a big problem. I'm worried that she doesn't want to go outside and therefore will not go to the door when she has to pee. And when I take her out to pee and she immediately does her business and then rushes in, it leads to accidents of the number 2 variety. (Which, uck.)

After this weekend, things will really be happening. We have the suppression check, I'm visiting a friend and her new baby, my sister has her first OBGYN appointment, we have another puppy class and we'll be going to San Antonio for the Fourth of July weekend, and hopefully will start stimming then. And then things will REALLY start happening! Which I'm really very excited about, although the IM needles still scare me. Bring on the stims! Those needles are easy! But starting from the trigger... gulp.

And, can I please also mention - holy mother fucker is it hot? It got to 103 degrees yesterday! Today is supposed to be 102! According to the, right now it's 97 degrees but feels like 104. Um, seriously? We haven't had rain in weeks... ugh. It's so nasty outside. I hate summer.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Obligatory Meds Pic

Or: Oh. My. God. Look at those needles.

Yes, I know it's four pictures of basically the same thing. But still. I'm kinda horrified by all the needles I know I'll be sticking myself with. (Seriously, after accounting for everything and matching everything up I started really looking and started sweating (lovely, I know).)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Teach Class - I'm all Learned Now!

So a lot of paperwork to sign. A lot of talk of needles that sound really scary. I'm worried about mixing the meds correctly and making sure I do the right thing at the right time. But there's also a lot of excitement. I feel like this is actually happening now. We ordered my meds, so the requisite picture of the stacks of boxes will be coming. I have a calendar, which is something so delightfully awesome, I can barely contain my excitement. I have a little bit of organizational/planning obsessiveness that takes over when I feel out of my element or when doing something new, so I can't tell you how much calmer I feel having it. I'm such a freak one of my favorite things to do besides making lists is filling up my datebook. I'm usually disappointed by the look of it as my life isn't that interesting, but with all these appointments and a calendar(!) I know I'll be able to fill it up soon. So, my tentative calendar, for all the blog world to see:

June 22 (that's Monday!): Start Lupr.on (10iu)/Dexy
June 24: Last BCP
July 2: Suppression check
July 4: Start stims 150iu of Go.nal-f and 150iu of Men.opur; Lupr.on decreased to 5iu
July 6: First office visit to check progress

Nurse D told me that I'd probably stim for 8 days rather than 10, based on previous reaction to the meds and that we'd probably have egg retrieval early the week of July 13. Then I start other meds (tetracycline, medrol, PIO) the days following and the have Valium for the ET, the next day start Loven.ox and then start Viv.elle.

Whew. (Oh yeah, and she totally hooked me up with a couple boxes of *free* meds - she is officially my favorite.person.ever.)

In Leinie news, her UTI isn't going away. I knew it wasn't. I knew she wasn't responding to the antibiotics, knew she wasn't back to normal. And the culture came back and confirmed it. So now we're starting all over with a different drug that will hopefully clear this thing up. Unfortunately, it's a slower acting drug, so we can't expect to see any change until four or five days have gone by. Which is really screwing with her potty training. We had her first puppy class last night and the trainer said that we would have to start all over with her and potty training once the infection is gone. Which disturbs her crate training. And a lot of the other training we're trying to accomplish in this class. Ugh. I just hope she feels better soon so we can play with her more and get her on the right track.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Bye Bye Savings...

I know when I actually have my baby, I won't be so sad to see all that money gone, but right now it stings a little bit.


Down payment on a house.

Really nice car I will never drive.

Paying off student loans.

Getting a baby.

Ouch. Shared Risk IVF with ICSI. Man, oh man. This doesn't include meds, cryo or anesthesia. There's always the 70% back if this doesn't work, but its not like we want that. I don't know how people do this. We could have paid the clinic cycle by cycle... $13,815 per IVF with ICSI cycle. The money will be charged to our now maxed out credit cards as we speak. At least we get 1% cash back... it's something.

Hopefully once things get rolling we won't miss the money too badly. Hopefully, we learn to be more frugal. Hopefully I can get a job. Hopefully, this works and we get our baby.

Like I mentioned in a previous post there are a lot of miracles we need this summer. I hope we're doing our part to make this one happen.

And lest I sound like an ungrateful brat, I would like to acknowledge that I know how incredibly lucky we are to even be able to financially swing this. I know there are incomplete families out there who can't. And my heart breaks for them. Just like it breaks for those who have exhausted all monetary resources and still don't have a family. Just like it breaks for those struggling with IF. I hope someday everyone is able to have the family they dream of.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Other Things

So, to catch up on everything non-IF/baby related...

Leinie (puppy) has a UTI. Anyone who has ever had one knows how painful and uncomfortable they are and can probably guess how fun this is making the potty training process. She went to the vet and almost $300 later, she has antibiotics and should be feeling better soon. She also is enrolled in a puppy training class, which I'm very excited about. She goes for 8 weeks, on Wednesday nights. I'm happy we actually signed her up for them and are doing it. We've talked and talked about how we need to get her in a class to get trained because once she gets full grown she'll be impossible otherwise, blah blah blah, but now all that talk is being put into action and I'm excited.

I had a job fair yesterday, in which I left with the same feeling of "Wow. I just wasted my day." I really hope something comes from this though.

We also had a showing the other day. Amy said they were interested, but honestly, it doesn't really matter how much they liked it. I've gotten excited over people being "interested" and nothing has ever come of it, so I'm kinda over all that. If we get an offer, then I'll be excited. But not until then.

And, I suppose that's pretty much it. Except - oh yeah. I'm going to be an aunt. My little sister is pregnant. My little, 23-year-old, still-in-school, unmarried sister is pregnant. Surprise! (And as awful as this sounds, I'm kinda relieved she wasn't actually trying - the we've-been-trying-for-a-month-or-two-and-golly-gee!-I'm-preggo! would sting a lot more.)

She's excited though, so I'm happy for her. There's going to be a wedding soon, and I know I'll be picturing my dad with a shotgun the entire time. She's not very far along and has her first appointment with her OBGYN on the 30th where she'll find out for sure.

Honestly, with everything, I'm not super upset. I know it'll be really hard when I see her with a belly. And when I see my dad with his grandchild. That'll be really hard. Really fucking hard. Life doesn't always work out the way you think. I always thought that as the first grandchild, I'd be having the first baby, and I was obviously very wrong about that. I think what I'll be most upset about is all the firsts I'll miss. Firsts I thought for all my life would be mine. And I know that I'll be super upset if she gets anything I don't. It better be fair, dammit. She's been so spoiled all this time (the baby of the family)... I swear to god, I will lose it. It's one thing when she gets a brand new phone and digital camera for Christmas and you get sheets. But our babies better be getting the SAME. DAMN. SHIT. That'll just push me over the edge. It really will. And she better be getting fucking sheets for Christmas now too, since she'll be all married. If things changed for me, they sure as hell better change for her. I almost feel like I should sit down with my mom and have this discussion of what fairness and treating your children equally and showing no favoritism means with her.

Ugh, thinking about all this just makes me feel all ugly and bitter. But, as selfish as it seems, I'm completely serious. I've distanced myself from my family because of shit like this. Because it hurts to see them fawn over and spend so much money on her when they don't for me (and my brother). And I'll be the first to admit, I have unresolved issues from my wedding when they left in the middle of it. (Oh, yes. There's a story here - but it's ugly and bitter and hurts so much I doubt I'll be re-telling it, but it's there.) And the fucking sheets at Christmas amongst cameras and digital phones (and how something similar seems to happen every year. We all get a GPS system? She gets another brand new PDA too... and only her.)(And I still have those sheets, have never used them and will be re-gifting them at an appropriate time.) And the free vs. not so free college education. (Yes, another story. Probably won't fill in the details of that either. Sorry.) But I swear to god if they treat my child (I'll have one dammit - it may not be first, but it'll be there) like they treated me... It will not happen.

Ahem. I've seem to gone off on a rather unpleasant trip down memory lane. So, I'm off to deal with my still sick and peeing everywhere puppy and to eat some breakfast.

ETA: And now, reading this a few hours later, I feel like I should add something. I truly am happy for her and hope that she can make the best of this situation. She knew about our struggles and was very worried about how I would feel about her news and was upset thinking she might upset me. It was sweet of her to be so concerned. I told her that our struggles don't have anything to do with her and I don't blame her for this. Its sweet of her to keep me in mind, but it's not her fault I can't get/stay pregnant. She's excited about this and I'm excited for her, even if I'm sad for myself.

It's also not her fault she was/is treated differently and I'm not angry with her about that either. And, at this point, all projected "unfairness" hasn't even happened. I've no reason to get angry over something that hasn't happened (is it wrong of me to add 'yet'?). I hope my mom pushes her to become more independent and stops holding her hand. If she's going to have and take care of a baby, she has to be able to take care of herself.

And lastly, I need to keep the bitterness out of my blog and my mind. I've tried so hard to work through this and get past all of this and its so ugly when it comes up. I don't want to be that person always looking at the past and comparing this and that. I don't want the past staining my life. (Although, I will admit weakness with the sheets.... we got them the Christmas after we got married, the same year both my brother and sister got digital cameras (my sis got a nicer model, something that chaps my ass for my brother's sake )and chaps his as well)). I will return them to my parents, I just haven't thought of when the most appropriate time would be.)

Friday, June 12, 2009

Update after RE Meeting

We have a plan! We have a tentative schedule! We have understanding about our clinic's standard operating procedures regarding strict morph!

So right now, the teach class is next Thursday, when I'll also get the prescription for Lupron. I'll start that while still on BCP, then continue for (I think she said 10 days?). Suppression check is July 2. Stims (the Gonal and Menopur) should start July 4 (Happy Fourth of July to me! We'll be in San Antonio and I'm glad we won't have to cancel that trip...) and the egg retrieval (ER) should be the week of July 13-17. Whoopee! With the embryo transfer (ET) at the latest July 22. Which, I believe puts beta at July 31? I'll start PIO right after the ER and then Lovenox after the (ET). If all goes according to schedule, this should be the plan. We think I'll probably go early for ER because I respond well to the meds, so I guess we'll see!

I'm so excited!!! It all seems to be happening so fast, even though I know ER is like a month away. Yippee!! I know I'll be pregnant in no time!

Oh yeah, and their SOP is that strict morph doesn't matter with IUI's - only IVF, and that if its low, they recommend ICSI, which we will do. I have to be honest, it did make me feel better hearing a person with an actual medical degree tell me that and I kinda feel like a total drama queen for freaking out about it when I didn't have all the information... but not about the non-returning phone call though. Grr.

Communication is Key

So after all the bitching and whining and complaining the last couple of posts, I finally got a phone call this morning. Granted, this was after another voicemail and a call into the receptionists to make sure Nurse D had been in this week, which she had. If I hadn't gotten a phone call, I would have scheduled an appointment with Dr. M and talked to her about everything.

I'm somewhat satisfied with the explanation I've received regarding the strict morph issue and her calling me. According to her, she has been waiting for the Shared Risk people to call her back and let her know what I was approved for. She claims she still hasn't received a call back. I'm kinda mad because she did promise to do everything she could to try and get us approved for IVF alone, and I don't think she did. On top of that, when I called her originally and left her that message, I stated that I had heard from the Shared Risk people and that we had been approved. She acted like she didn't know that. So whatever.

About the strict morph. It sounds like they don't take strict morph into consideration when looking at success rates for IUI. I seriously have a problem with that, but what can I do? She understood exactly what I was asking and concerned with (wasting time and money on IUI's) and told me that we hadn't wasted anything and that they do not consider strict morph an important criteria when doing IUI's (or something like that). Like I said, I think this is total bullshit and kinda want to talk to Dr. M about this to hear it straight from her. I may set up a phone appointment, but don't want to look like I don't trust Nurse D (which... I don't 100%, but don't want to admit that to them, which maybe I should and ask to get a different nurse). Anyway, what's done is done - there isn't a whole lot I can do now - we're definitly moving to IVF and since I really love Dr. M and a lot of the people there, we aren't moving clinics. So I've decided to take all this in stride and just go forward. Being mad won't help anything and won't change what's already happened.

So I'm going to my teach class next Thursday and will get my schedule then. I also will find out how long I'm staying on the BCP and what protocol I'll be on.

You know, on second thought, I am going to try and meet with Dr. M when M can be there... and done! She had a cancellation this afternoon, so off we'll go! After talking with M, he's right - meeting with her and hearing her say that that's the way the clinic operates regarding strict morph will not make me feel any better and will not change our mind about what we're doing, so I'm not even going to bring it up. I am glad that M will be able to talk with Dr. M about IVF though. I've talked with her already and he was unable to be there, but I know he wants to be in the loop with everything, so it'll be good for him and me to have a clear understanding of what exactly we're doing and why. And, Dr. M ALWAYS makes me feel great, so my spirits are lifted already just knowing we'll be meeting with her today.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Still Upset and Getting Mad

Really mad. After posting about this and seeing if others RE's thought it was a big deal, I find out it kinda is. And it makes me wonder about the success rates we were told about for IUI's (15-20% or something) and if those percentages applied to us. I put a call in to Nurse D asking about the Shared Risk call (she was going to see if she could get them to approve us for the Shared Risk non ICSI) and letting her know that I was upset and wanted to hear again how she thinks the strict morph did or did not affect our chances and if the IUI's were a waste of money and especially now that the cost just went up that we were upset about not knowing about this. And I let her know that I wanted a copy of the SA and for her to please call me back.

That was yesterday at 11:35am.

I haven't heard back from her.

I'm just getting more and more angry about it.

I got the contract from Shared Risk though... the contract for Shared Risk with ICSI for $31,800, so apparently she called them and got the application pushed through and approved. But just decided not to call me back.

I don't know what to do. I'm feeling petty and stubborn and do not want to call them first and want to wait and see how long it takes for them to call me. But, I'm also anxious about all this and feel childish. But I also don't want to be the annoying patient who calls everyday (which - let's face it - I probably am already). Part of me wants to schedule a meeting with Dr. M and get her take on this. I want to know why so many other RE's DO seem to think this is an issue and recommended their patients to move straight to IVF. Here's how it was explained to a few fellow nesties:

"The reason you can't find answers is because this a hotly contested issue. Some REs believe it makes a huge difference while others thinks it makes no difference at all.
I liked how my RE described it. Lower numbers (and ours is 14% and above normal) just mean it might take you longer to get pregnant than some people if you were trying on your own. Considering my highish FSH and age, we don't have the time so we went on to IVF-ICSI right away. "

"We have 1-3% strict morph and we were advised to go straight to IVF. Like PP, my RE said it's like trying to hit the lottery basically. I didn't ovulate on my own but even if I did, out of 85 million, if only 1% are shaped right to fertilize an egg, you have to hope that 1% is also moving good enough to get to the one egg released too. It *can* happen, but it may never happen on it's own."

"Our counts are below 40 million, with 1% morph and motility around 30%. We hit the lottery once, but I miscarried... My Re pretty much told me we had about a 1% chance on our own, maybe 5% with IUI and he thought we'd be wasting our money (especially as we're OOP) if we did anything but IVF with ICSI.
It's definitely contested, but I think if the rest of the numbers aren't stellar, then morph could definitely be the tipping point. Our Re is on the morph matters side
of the equation."

"My DH has a strict morph of 0%. We were told that our chances of conveiving naturally is less than 5%, so we decided to go straight to IVF with ICSI. We are 100% OOP, so we skipped IUIs and went with our best odds. We were very lucky that it worked the first time."

Reading these made me want to cry. I mean I knew that IVF had a better chance of working - duh. And I have gotten pregnant twice - maybe that's why they don't think its a big deal??? The rest of his numbers are fine, so it's not really a problem? Really? And this wouldn't have affected the success rates for the IUI's?

And really - let's say for argument's sake that we were told about the strict morph and just have completely forgotten the entire conversation about it - no one ever brought it up to us again. So all the meetings, all the appointments, trying to figure out what we should do and how it was MY body that was all fucked up - and nobody mentioned this. I didn't even realize that we would HAVE to do ICSI if we went to IVF. I knew it was suggested because it is so much better and blahblahblahICSIisgreatblahblah but I didn't think we would have to because of a problem.

And, they still haven't called. Which, really - I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and being totally dramatic. Fucking call me back. I don't care if I just all of a sudden told you that I didn't know I had PCOS this whole time and am upset - you fucking call. me. back.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Something Good, Something Bad

Let's start with the bad news. I was told that the SA performed on M February of 2008, was not, in fact, "fine". I am having a hard time remembering the exact conversation about the results, since it happened a year and a half ago, but know that all this time, I've been thinking everything was "fine". It's not. His strict morph is 0.5%. Normal range is 4%. Not the end of the world, but, it seems like it's something that could be pretty big. Big enough that we will not qualify for regular IVF Shared Risk. Instead, we have to pay the $6,000 + extra for the IVF+ICSI Shared Risk plan. I'm SO not happy about this. I just went back and read what I thought of the results from M's SA were back in 2008. I believe the term used was "rock star sperm". Really? I'm trying not to make too big a deal about this (we are moving to IVF - there's not much else we can do), but it's hard. Because we just missed the cutoff for the Shared Risk price increase and would we have done that last IUI knowing about this? And we've been doing all these IUI's thinking that everything with M was fine, when, in reality, it was not. Were they a waste of money? I guess we'll never know. I'm just kinda upset by the whole thing.

I found this out because I talked to Nurse D yesterday and she told me that my genius plan of only doing the regular IVF Shared Risk and then paying for the ICSI as we go ($2,600 each) wouldn't be possible due to the strict morph issue and because of that, how it says we should do ICSI all over my chart. It just keeps getting more and more and more expensive. We have to rerun numbers and try to re-figure this whole thing out.

The good news: We bought our iPhones a month ago. They just came out with a new version and dropped the price on the ones we just bought. By $100 each. So, I'm to go by the AT&T store where we bought them and getting a credit. That's nice. There's some money.

Ugh all this $$ and IVF talk is just making me upset. To top it all off, I can't find the copy of M's SA results that I thought we had. I'd like to put it in our file and look over it myself.

Monday, June 8, 2009

New Plan.

We are Moving Forward. Oh yes. And while I'm still incredibly anxious and worried and whatnot, I am also excited.

I started birth control pills Friday afternoon. After a 3 hour doctor appointment, in which all my questions were answered (thank you very much Connie - I heart you). I knew going in, and told Connie (u/s tech) that if there were cysts we were moving to IVF and if, by some miracle, there weren't any cysts, we'd do another IUI with injectibles cycle. Lo and behold, there were FIVE huge cysts. I knew they were there - I could almost feel them all. The most I've ever had. I would have been on a break cycle for sure, hoping we got pregnant again, and waiting until CD35 for Provera. So instead, I'm on BCP, moving towards our first IVF. I guess this means we're doing the right thing - all signs pointing to IVF. And it felt really good - everyone at the clinic was so excited for me and confident that this would work. The confidence they had helped boost my own about this.

There is still a lot to do before the actual IVF starts. In any random order I need to get approved for Shared Risk*, take the class, get my protocol, possibly meet again with Dr. M, talk to the financial advisor, and get my nurse D who was not there Friday, up to speed on what we're doing. So yeah. The money freaks me out, as does the possibility of spending all this dough with it not working, but right now.... man I just want to get going. I'm tired of sitting in limbo, waiting for things to happen TO me, as opposed to making things happen FOR me. And IVF is the most aggressive, the best way to get things happening.

M was so funny - he said that with the way we've been doing things financially, it's only right that we do the Shared Risk* and have work the first time rather than pay for them one by one because then we'd probably take like 3 cycles. Oh yeah, and the price went up. Remember how I was just approved in March? The 60 day period has just ended. I'm so mad. I mean, really, what's another $2000, but the clinic didn't raise their prices - the Shared Risk* people did. It's so frustrating, but right on track with the way we love flushing money. They say it includes "more" - like assisted hatching. But I don't need that!! I already talked about it with Dr. M and she said the likelihood of me needing that were very low! How about including ICSI? I sure as hell don't want to spend $2600 extra for that! I'm looking into some credit offers to see if we can get anything with a low interest rate. I'm glad our credit is ok.

And I think I've decided to not really tell anyone about the IVF. I don't know - I feel like I've retreated back into my shell IF-wise a bit. I just feel like we told all these people we have problems, and when we'd talk to them, would tell them where we were in our process... I don't know. Maybe I just feel superstitious about it all and don't want to jinx it by all these people knowing what's happening and that we're spending all this money (or have it to spend - barely). I guess we'll see what happens. I've been very blessed that I don't have a lot of people asking about it - what happening next? where are you? etc.

So that's the big news. We're already trying to cut back drastically and I've been looking everywhere for anything that could help cover these costs. I've got a job fair coming up next week that I'm going to... hopefully I'll be able to find something.

*Oh yes - I almost forgot and wouldn't that have been annoying? Shared Risk is what I call it. Not Attain or whatever bullshit name they came up for it recently. I hate getting corrected by people at the RE's (I know, if I just said it the right way no one would correct me but meh to that) and now I feel all defensive in my head whenever I call it Shared Risk.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

So Depressing

AF is fully here. IUI#5 is a BFFN.

I have some questions about the point of Endom if I started spotting for my period yesterday. Way too early to start considering I'm shoving this shit up myself twice a day and spending money for something that doesn't work. Signs that I should be tested? For something???

So more IVF talk. A spreadsheet to weigh the fiscal pros and cons of doing SharedRisk vs paying for them one by one. And the winner... SharedRisk. Although, I was faced with the realization that their 70% back! really isn't all that great once you factor in the amount you spend on meds and cryo and anesthesia for each cycle. Blech. I feel like crying. No February or March baby for me. Yes, I am assuming I'm going to have a cyst and will be forced on a break cycle. Either that or I'll be starting birth control pills (if I'm lucky).

I'm just so upset about all of this. Onto IVF. For real this time. With no guarantees. How do so many people do this? How do so many people afford this? I know I should be thankful we are able to stretch this, even with me out of work. I know I should be thankful for a lot of things that I'm having a hard time thinking of right now. I know a lot of people have it a lot worse. And have been through a lot worse. I'm trying to think of that right now, to keep myself from being so upset. But when will it be my turn? How long do we sit in limbo? Waiting to get pregnant. Waiting for someone to buy our house. Waiting for someone to hire me.



Ok. For Real. O.V.E.R.

I am now starting to spot more heavily with more red color and less brown. So either this is a nightmare-ish 3rd m/c or a for real BFN. God, could I be more pathetic with more detailed play by play of the goings on of my va-jay-jay?


Maybe I called it too fast... because nothing else is happening. I mean, I'm still getting some slight spotting, but its all dark brown and I'm not getting anymore bright red. So WTF? According to my nurse, it could be implantation spotting. (huh????) I thought I was way out of the game with that. I mean, I'm 12dpiui. I don't know. She said implantation can take place for up to 8 weeks, and that spotting would be normal. I really don't know what to think here. Part of me thinks she wants me to stay positive and hopeful through the bitter end... (that's the type of person she is - and I'm SO not) but I'm just not sure that I should get and keep my hopes (and M's!!) up for what seems like a super long shot. I do know that I'm not going to be happy spending all this money of the Endom for an impending period. I do know that the soreness of the boobies are less, probably because I didn't take the Endom last night or this morning (shut up I just took it). And I do know that I feel like my period is right around the corner and the spotting is just pre-period spotting. But I'm still going in for my blood test Friday. And if I start my period, full blown period, then I'll stop the Endom.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Le Spotting

So I am somewhat officially calling IUI#5 a BFN... I'm spotting dark brown with the lovely Endom and when I wipe am getting bright red. So. Yeah. The end. I think I'll have a soda tonight and will be calling the RE tomorrow. Because I'm not supposed to be starting this early, especially not with the addition of the Endom. So we'll see what they say. I'm super bummed. Guess the IVF talk last night seems a lot more real now.

Le Sigh

For nothing is really happening today. I got a full night's sleep, which was a wonderful surprise. Thanks to M for sleeping out on the couch, little Leinie didn't make much of a peep all night long. Now I just wish it was feasible to move her entire setup into the bedroom with us. Oh well. I just keep thinking that this is practice for a real baby. Getting up all night, feeding and cleaning up poop and pee through the day. Not leaving the house and spending time with the little one. Yeah. Total practice.

Last night M and I had the serious IVF talk. Again. He doesn't like talking about it until the cycle we're on is officially done, and I see his POV, but I'm too much a realist. I need to know what comes next, what our game plan is, just in case. Obviously I want this to work. And I absolutely believe that my third pregnancy will be The One... I just wish I knew when that would happen and what it would be a result of. IUI? IVF? Another break cycle? Anyway, I'm still freaking out about the state of our finances and the lack of employment. It's not like my salary is huge and would make everything a-ok, but it sure would help. Hell, anything would do right about now. I'd take a pay cut or work part-time. I just don't want to be flipping burgers. (My skin is already suffering from all the hormones - I don't think it could take standing in a grease pit all day.)

So far my symptoms are... well... nothing that can't be explained by the So... there's nothing really to report there. I think when I go in for my beta, I'll ask if it would make sense to run my progesterone as well - I'm curious as to what my levels are on the Endom and want to know if it's helping or a big waste. Of course, I may have missed that boat as I know its supposed to be done on CD21. We'll see.

No other big plans for the week. Terminix guy is coming tomorrow. The highlight of my day. (Not - he totally creeps me out.) Hope everyone else has more fun than me!

Monday, June 1, 2009


So here I am at 10 days past IUI, or - 4 days until beta. This weekend I've felt tired and icky (thank you endom.etrin) and still have sore boobs. And that's really about it. So, we'll see.

We picked Leinie up on Friday and so far have had erratic sleep. I've been the one to get up with her mostly - Marc seemed to sleep through some of the initial barks and whines. Last night we both endured long barking and whining. Hopefully she will get past this phase quickly. We took her over to A&J's Saturday where she was overwhelmed and behaved. She slept a lot and basically was a poster child for a laid back dog.

We also found out A&C were 11 weeks pg. I was immediately happy and bummed at the same time. I spent the night getting up with the dog, who was sick, and crying. This is honestly the first time someone else's pregnancy has affected me this way. I cried and cried and basically felt really sorry for myself. And then hated myself for not being happier for them. We were pg (the second time for me) at the same time and then miscarried at the same time back in December. They got pregnant pretty easily and I've been waiting for an announcement from them for a while. I guess I didn't expect the announcement to be so far along. I mean, I felt like we were pretty close before and she said they would share whenever they knew they were pg again.... I feel a little betrayed I guess. I feel like we kind of went through something and we shared all our difficulties with them... I was shocked although I shouldn't have been. I was just struck with the absolute unfairness of it all. And feelings of jealousy that they'll have the first grandchild on that side of the family (although they are step-in laws, so not really but close enough). And then feelings of self-despise-ment for not being a better person and for being so petty. It just rang so true the dream I had about a month or two ago. We're all gathered for Christmas or Thanksgiving and she is very pg and I'm not. And all anyone can talk about is the baby and her pregnancy and it's all I can do to be somewhat happy around them. And in my dream I just want to curl up and die. So with the timing of it all, yeah... I can easily picture this happening. It makes me want to skip the holidays this year. My only hope is that I'll be pregnant too.

Sunday afternoon we went over to my parent's so Leinie could meet their dogs and my family. Again, the poster child of a laid back dog. We got back home and she was pretty playful. I think she just gets overwhelmed. I need to take her to the vet and set up a schedule for her shots and other vaccines and talk about when we can spay her.

So that was my weekend. It'll be nice to get Leinie used to a more set schedule here around the house. The cats are slowly adjusting, I think. They just need more time getting used to her.