Wednesday, October 28, 2009

17w and No Flu For Me

Today is 17 weeks. And the worrying never stops. I got my H1N1 vaccine today, so now we're all protected and whatnot since I got the seasonal flu shot a couple of weeks ago. And, since I was there, I asked for a quick listen on the Doppler. They're both in the 140's (down from last week when they were both in the 150's). I know the rate is normal (I asked and anything from 120-170 is the norm), but I'm kinda worried about the right-sided baby - heart rate was always in the 170's until last week when it dropped to the 150's and now a week later its in the 140's. And both times, there was little to no movement, while the left one was super active... Both appointments were around the same time of day. So one sleeps and the other parties between 1-3pm? I just don't get it. And I don't know if I should be worried about this or not. I'm just afraid of this being a bad sign of bad things to come. Like, a warning sign that everyone but me is ignoring. Ah well. There really isn't much I can do about it, so *shrugsigh*.

I'm going to be very anxious to see what the doctor says next time I see her, however. And I'm even contemplating borrowing a Doppler to monitor the situation. But I don't know what that would help. Especially since I know babies' heart rates fluctuate. I know they get lower as they get bigger. But what I don't know is if this rate is normal for 17 weeks. And maybe one baby is super active and the other... is lazy like me. I've heard of that. Babies are different. So maybe mine are just completely... different.

In good baby news, the AFP blood work and we're low risk for neural tube defects! Rock on, babies!

In other pregnancy news, still no stranger comments on the belly, which I take to mean I still look fat and not pregnant. Or that awkward phase between the two where people would rather stay safe than be sorry. And the maternity pants I wear are pretty baggy. It's funny to me that they are and I can't wait to be busting out of them. I just look at them and wonder... and kinda laugh since some of them are borrowed and I may have to quit them before I stretch them out beyond anyone else's* wearing capabilities.

*By the way - is else's not a word? Because I always get called out on spell check about it. What the hell?

Friday, October 23, 2009


This week was our 16 week appointment. And everything was good. No scan (grumble) but heartbeats sounded good and the doctor was happy with everything.

How far along? 16w2d
Total weight gain/loss: plus 8 pounds - that's it! My doctor was happy with that, so I guess I am too. I haven't been eating "healthy" but whatever I'm doing seems to work ok.
Maternity clothes? In mat pants all the time and am realizing that many of my shirts will not transition well... primarily because they are too short.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Sometimes I get a lot... sometimes I wake up and can't go back to sleep...
Best moment this week: Hearing the heartbeats... always a nice thing
Movement: Well, maybe. I don't want to call it before it happens for real, but I feel.. things.. inside. Very sporadically. Very lightly. But definitely there. Hard to describe and mostly on the left side of the belly, although I did feel something on the right last night... hopefully the farther along I get the more I feel them and then will know for sure if it is what it is... or really just intestinal issues.
Food cravings: Kinda... like I went to Target to buy Jello and had to have one immediately after leaving the store. And the same with chocolate milk... but not like "real" food.
Gender: Still hoping for one of each, but after Wednesday's check up where BOTH heartbeats were measuring in the same range (150's) my theory is shot. (I'm also trying not to worry that one was so much lower than before. Still in normal range = ok)
Labor Signs: NO. And it can stay that way for a long time thankyouverymuch.
What I miss: Well, since finding pasteurized eggs, nothing that involves raw eggs. Yippee! I guess deli meats. I ate steak for our anniversary (what a rebel) and it was fantastic, and I wish I could eat it all the time.
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the sexes - one month to go! Getting bigger. Having a stranger comment so I feel like I look pregnant, as opposed to fat...

So yesterday and today I was incredibly worried about things. It was weird, since I was so calm about the doctor's appointment this time, a clear switch from my usual pre-appointment anxiety. Apparently now, I'm stressing about things AFTER the appointment. It's just that I've had pain low on my sides when I stand up and walk around. And it kinda worries me. And my belly feels tight and hard all the time. Which is a change from its pre-pregnancy squishy feeling... and I know it's normal. I just don't know if its too tight or too hard, if that makes sense. I think part of what stresses me out is the idea that I won't know what's wrong until its too late and there's nothing anyone can do to stop it and then... Bad Things. Irrational... probably. I need to remember that things that stretch are growing and some pain isn't always bad. I am going to be very happy to be more than 24 weeks. Very happy. Viability day. Very important.

Maybe I would have felt more at ease if we had gotten a scan. And I'm sure if I had whined and been more drama queen, we could have finagled one. But it's mainly my own fault. Next time, when the nurse talks about how hard it may be to find the heartbeats, don't point out the exact location where the nurse found them last time. Because guess what, genius? Chances are they'll still be in that general area. And my nurse found them at first Doppler poke.

Oh, I just remembered I had a dream about eating Whataburger last night and am suddenly ravenous. So bye.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Since I have the time...

So M is out of town, so I have time to write. I'm going nuts. I started measuring my stomach so I can hopefully curb my craziness that something bad has happened by proof that my stomach is growing. I'm such a nut ball. But, funnily enough, I grew almost an entire inch by the end of the day from when I woke up. I mean, I knew I was getting bigger throughout the day, but I didn't realize it was an inch. It seems like a lot.

Anyway, I'm also going crazy because I don't really feel anything. I mean, I still have some symptoms, but not as many as before. And I know that's the way its supposed to be, but its kinda driving me wacko. I can't wait to feel them kicking around. I can't wait to have a real "hey that chick is pregnant not fat" stomach. I just can't wait to feel like I'm really pregnant. It just feels so unreal right now. And it's still so early! Sometimes I look at other people's tickers and compare myself to them and then realize - wait a sec - they're two weeks ahead of me!

Before it took so long to get pregnant and after the false starts... I now realize that I can't wait to actually have my babies. I used to think that I would cherish being pregnant and relish in the attention and the absolute cuteness of it all. And I think I still will, but with everything that's happened, I just want the babies. Healthy, happy babies. And it makes me kinda sad that that's been taken away from me. I used to tell M that I wanted to really appreciate the time and feelings of being pregnant, because (after realizing what it would take to get pregnant) it was most likely the only time in my life I could experience it. And now, all I want is for the pregnancy to be over and for us to just have babies. And, I feel kinda robbed. All the worry, all the heartache during the pregnancy, kinda takes away from the experience. All the financial dreams we had, all gone. It really hits home when I see my sister and how she behaves toward her pregnancy. She gets maternity clothes for future wear. She doesn't worry about the things that drive me crazy and keep me up at night. She just... assumes everything is fine. And it is! I don't mean that I want something bad to happen to her or my nephew, but there is no reality check for her! And I totally envy it (well as much as I can, because my nature would be to want to know about everything, would want to ask about everything, would just care about all the little details, whereas she is more ditsy, more head in clouds, which, in this case presents itself as assuming everything is fine) (wow can you say run-on sentence?). But I still envy the total state of non anxiety. And am amazed that such an attitude about pregnancy can exist.

Ugh, ok well, enough mental diarrhea onto my blog for today. Time for bed.


I'm writing this at 6:27am. I can't believe I can't go back to sleep. UGH. M left at 5:30 to fly out to some work stuff he has to do. He'll be gone until Thursday. :( It feels forever away. I used to cherish my alone time (especially when M went out of town for a few days) and now I have so much of it, I get bored so easily. Not that I'm complaining, but sheesh. I need something to do. Preferrably something I would get paid for. I'm not overqualified and your shitty job sounds right up my alley!

Anyway, NT scan blood tests came back and everything looks really good. Yay! I didn't ask for an exact ratio (who needs to obsess over numbers -->not this chick). but we are "low-risk". And, I'm STD free! Hooray! I think I'm starting to get a belly, but will not put up pics until I'm decidedly more cute-looking.

My great=grandmother's "dinner" was good (I saw "dinner" because she loves this horrible chinese buffet place where we have to go every year... there is so much better food for the kind of money we shell out to that place... oh well, its only once a year) and everyone was happy for us. I don't think my great grandmother knew what an ultrasound photo looked like or didn't understand what she was seeing. Even after staring at it for a good while and having people explain it to her, it took her some time to fully understand.

I would do the weekly check in thingy, but I think I may try to go back to sleep. I'm not hungry anymore, thanks to the HoneyNut Cheerios, but I know I'll be a drag ass the rest of today if I don't at least try to get some more sleep.

Thursday, October 1, 2009


Yesterday we had our 13 week appointment. It was... kinda a let down. You see, we had just seen the babies on Monday. So I wasn't stressed or worried or anything. And they didn't have my blood work back from the NT scan, so we couldn't go over that, and they "misplaced" the paperwork that had the measurements from the NT scan so we couldn't go over that either... instead I got a STD test (required by the OB) and got to ask questions... Unfortunately we were seriously unprepared as we thought this appointment was going to be All About the NT Scan and we couldn't think of hardly any, aside from a couple flu shot questions. We DID get to hear the heartbeats on the Doppler, which I thought was totally cool, seeing as how I'm plumper than what could be considered as healthy weight. I didn't think we'd be able to hear anything until 14 weeks or so, but I was proven wrong. I also rocked in the weight department, as I only gained four pounds! Seeing as how I needed to lose 20-30 pounds before getting pregnant, I'm hoping that I'm gaining good weight and gaining less because I'm losing bad weight... if that makes sense? Anyway, since I'm actively not trying to not gain weight, I was shocked.

We have our next appointment in three weeks, at 16 weeks for... well, I'm not really sure. Well, I know they're going to take blood for the spina bifida test and that's about all I know. Every time we leave the doctor M and I look at each other and go... so what are we doing next time? Are we getting a scan? I hope we do so maybe we can get sexes? Although, I think it may be early for that and we might be stuck waiting until the next appointment.... which will be....

20 weeks! At that appointment we'll have the Big scan to check out organs and stuff like that.

And since I am inconsistent, here is the weekly check in I missed last week:

How far along? 13w1d; Hello Second Trimester!!! (well, I know, officially in two days, but whatevs)

Total weight gain/loss: +4 pounds!

Maternity clothes? I bought some $15 cord from Old Navy that I wore yesterday and had to keep pulling up because they were loose, but OMFG were they comfy. Much more so than the jeans I keep wearing with the rubber band through the button hole.

Stretch marks?

Sleep: Remarkably, pretty good. Still sleeping a lot despite rumors that the second tri leads to more energy.

Best moment this week: Seeing babies on the scan... watching them dance and wiggle was awesome. Also, hearing their heartbeats (one was in the 150's both times, the other in the 170's...)

Movement: No

Food cravings: Not really

Gender: Due to the heartbeat differences, I'm guessing and still hoping for one of each

Labor Signs: Or Pregnancy Symptoms: My nips are still sore, I get nauseous when I don't eat, I burp a lot, I have off and on back soreness, this morning I have this shooting pain near my belly button, I still sleep a lot, I'm still breaking out all over like a teenager, I'm still stuffy and congested, my boobs aren't bigger, my gums bleed easily, I still have super smelling abilities, and I'm still neurotic and anxious and nervous, but not nearly as much.

What I miss: Right now, steak (I like mine medium rare, so that's out). And Frosties. And Subway.

What I am looking forward to: Having the babies stay healthy. Telling people (M will start announcing tomorrow on his birthday and we'll tell my extended family on Sunday, my great-grandmother's birthday dinner... we'll also give the green light to family and friends who do know that they can tell whoever they want). Knowing the sexes and ... showing! I thought at first I would be like my mom was and show early but I think that was because of the PIO and all the bloatedness that came with it. Now, I'm afraid I'm going to be more like my sister who barely shows now at 24 weeks. She was still in pre-maternity clothes up until she was 5 1/2 months. So, we'll see... Right now, I just look... fat.