A Confession

So I've been testing. Since 8dpiui. All negative. Today is 11dpiui and it's still negative. I really thought this cycle had done something - I just felt different. I know that sounds strange, but... man. I know there's still time, and that it still could have worked and that I've been testing way too early, but I just thought it would be nice if it were positive early. Oh well.

Marc saw one in the trash and asked why I tested. I gave him an excuse, because, I honestly don't know what to say to explain my actions. They're just dollar store tests. What's the big deal? I suppose he's right.

By different, I mean, that I've had super sensitive boobs all throughout (which I've been told is nothing) that I only had when I was pregnant the first time and is a symptom I thought would come back when I was pg again. My boobs feel heavier and larger and just... sore. Taking them out of a bra - man. Totally crazy. I've also been tired early, something that only happened when I was pg. I have had trouble sleeping. Vivid dreams. I was super bloated the first week (probably until 7 or 8 dpiui) and then lately I've had weird cramps. Sometimes it feels like I'm about to start my period, sometimes its just weird twinges and stuff. Actually, I guess I should say I've had that throughout the 2ww.

Maybe its just my body getting re-acclimated to all this again. All the meds and hormones. I told Marc the other night that if this worked it would be like a freaking miracle. To get pg 3 times out of 4 iuis? Man. (Granted, one of those was a break cycle and doesn't really count as a pg by iui, but still.) I told him that I wasn't expecting this first cycle back to work and that it would be like we were easing back into things and this was just a warm up. A practice run, you might say. I also told him the percentages were against us with this stuff, so he should not be surprised when it doesn't work and should be surprised when it does. I'm just being logical. He said I should be more positive. (I really wanted to remind him of the conversation we had after the 2nd m/c - he (or anyone else) doesn't get to tell me how to feel about all of this.)

I'm also afraid that by not getting a positive test yet, that means there isn't a lot of HCG in my system, which means that IF I am pg, my beta will be low. And that sucks. Because the last time I had a low beta I miscarried. And I had a negative test the Saturday night before the Monday beta. So yeah. But so, a negative test this morning. We only have a couple more days. I hope, if it is negative that AF just shows up so I don't have to get a stupid blood test.