Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I went to UsRBabies today;

I deserve a medal.
Please give it to me now.

Thank you.


Yes, I went to baby heaven and saw pregnant people, newborns and all sorts of other babies. I saw mothers/grandmas shopping with their daughters/new mommies and baby. I saw significant others' shopping with pregnant others. I saw baby furniture and bedding and strollers and swings and slings (oh my!). And the tiniest little stripe-y socks ever.

And I didn't cry. (Which, my god, I realize how fucking sappy that must make me now. I used to never cry. Now I cry all the time, or at least well up.) And I didn't glare. And I kept my bitter, resentful, infertile self to a minimum in my head. And I melted a little. I saw a beautiful crib on sale and wanted to buy it and then go stick in our storage unit and not feel that guilty when I explained the credit card charge because Marc? He would indulge me my craziness.

Which is what I probably wouldn't have done anyway, though SIL was with me. (Because she would have thought I had TOTALLY gone off my rocker if I had pulled that shit with her.) But it did keep me from calling Marc and explaining the beauty of THIS. CRIB. RIGHT. HERE. and SALE!!! to which he would have been pretty shocked and speechless at me wanting to buy a crib.

And I have a confession. I snuck another pee. I know, I know, I know... I haven't been sleeping well. I constantly think about it and its that damn last pregnancy's fault. I just lie/lay awake thinking about it. And I just have to know. I just have to. It's like I need to prepare myself for something bad, because honestly, either way? Would bring issues. I mean, if negative (which it was and will be for this break cycle - duh) I am so sad. So, so sad. So bummed. So broken. But then I have a plan for next cycle. And if positive,

I mean just typing the possibility of it had me sitting here speechless. But the insane worry and stress and preparation of it being bad, but the hope that its not and the joy of just actually being and... oh my god. Either way, total roller coaster. So I have this need to know and prepare myself. For my period. Or for the number.

I swear, for someone with losses, sometimes the thought of being pregnant is scarier than the fear of not being pregnant at all.

And now I need to take a break from my own head and escape into TV, the boards, Sudoku or my book.

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