Beta #7 Today

What a great way to start the day. Hopefully the number will be 0. I really think it will be. I don't feel pregnant at all and am actually starting to get some energy back. I stay up later but am having trouble falling asleep - my brain won't shut up. My sleep schedule is all out of whack. But I more or less feel like I've gotten over being somewhat sick. It's amazing because I haven't really felt this way in a long time what with all the meds and shit I've been on. Going back to all of that is going to be difficult. I don't think most people know how hard all of this is on your body, physically and mentally - I sure underestimated it (and I haven't even had IVF, which is just so much MORE).

And just as a side rant - they should really put the type of blood work you're getting done on the paperwork. I don't need someone to be excited for me because I'm getting an HCG test. I know I'm not pregnant. I've already miscarried. Thanks anyway.

As it turned out I had to come in to work yesterday. TS Edouard was a dud. We got some rain, but the sun actually came out for a little bit yesterday afternoon. Sorry, but tropical storms are supposed to bring more than that. I've been in a horrible mood since. I don't know why (well, I know why I was in a horrible mood yesterday - having to come in and all, while Marc stayed home (butI have to give him credit - he knew how I was feeling and made me dinner and did the dishes and let me watch all my reality TV without complaint and I was still bitchy. But I stopped and got him ice cream on the way home to try and make up for it)) but I really have no reason for it today, yet here I am resentful and bitter and just downright cranky (and I keep having these weird dreams where things in my life are just horrible and things aren't happening right and there's just this sense of frustration and unfairness - gee - that's hard to figure out - but it leaves me feeling the residuals of it when I wake up and feel miserable and angry).

I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be talked to. I just want to sleep and watch TV and read my book (which is really good). I don't want to be at work, yet I can't take off. I seriously cannot wait for the October vacation. And yet, if I'm not pregnant then, I'll be so depressed. I would have been 17 weeks then. And it's weird because I can't even really imagine being pregnant now. And I can't imagine being pregnant without being seriously freaked and worried. How do you enjoy a pregnancy? How do you not worry that something is going to happen? I don't know that I can be happy again looking at a positive pregnancy test. Knowing that actually having a positive test is just the tiny-est first step and that so much can go horribly wrong. That the 2ww is nothing compared to waiting for beta numbers, especially when they aren't "normal".

I just don't know how to do all of this again.