Camping!

This weekend was the annual "family" camping trip. This year it happened to be at Buescher State Park. It was a lot of fun and got very cold Saturday night - low of 32. We froze our patooties off!

But, I suppose the bigger news is that I'm supposedly pregnant. I don't really believe that I am or that it will last. But I havev a blood test proving me otherwise, at least for today. I go in for a scan on Wednesday to see what we see. It was a break cycle for us, as we were gearing up for IVF #1 to start. I took a HPT Friday morning so I could get a prescription of Provera and get the IVF show on the road. I was shocked to see that it was positive and convinced that it was a false positive. I called in to the RE's and was able to get in for a blood test, which confirmed the HPT. My beta was 8,234. A huge, huge number. Gi-normous. Made me feel really good. Except that I'm still spotting. And its red spotting. And that sometimes I see it in my underwear. Actually, I've been seeing it in my underwear for about 4 days now. And always when I wipe. It started off being dark brown, but it turned to red. And its been happening for over a week. And today I have some mild cramping/back pain to go along with it. Let's see... now why would that make me nervous? Oh yeah:

Symptoms of a miscarriage include:
- Vaginal bleeding that may be light or heavy, constant or irregular. Although
bleeding is often the first sign of a miscarriage, first-trimester bleeding may also occur with a normal pregnancy. But bleeding with pain is a sign that miscarriage is more likely.
- Pain. You may have pelvic cramps, abdominal pain, or a persistent, dull ache in your lower back. Pain may start a few hours to several days after bleeding has begun.

Thank you SO much WebMD. That helps tremendously.

It's really hard to believe that there's anything good going on. I find myself getting hopeful. Fuck, I know I have hope for this pregnancy, but I just can't push away the doubts. And it scares me beyond anything else. Because why would this happen? Why would I be able to conceive without any medicine when I couldn't conceive, much less ovualte on medicine before? It just seems cruel to let me get pregnant again and then take it away from me. And I can't help but think that's going to happen. I mean, how else do I prepare myself for the possibility of losing another one?

But what I must repeat as my mantra: TODAY I am pregnant. I must believe that I will carry a healthy baby to term. I must believe that miracles do happen and that I have seen one in my own life.