So Fucking Pissed

I'm just so goddamned pissed and upset right now. I just got back from the RE's. I started my period Friday, so I knew this cycle was a bust. So I was thinking, ok we'll just do a cycle day 3 scan for cysts. And, of course, I have cysts. Two big fat cysts on my right ovary. I know they're "normal" but what the fuck ever. Like I care. So we're on a forced break cycle. Yip-ee. To add insult to injury, they insisted on doing a HCG test anyway. Because all those negative pee sticks, and, I don't know, the presence of my PERIOD mean nothing apparently. And it hurt. And they can all go take a flying leap. Fuck them all. I'm just so goddamned pissed off at the world right now.

I know I technically could have had a chemical pregnancy, and I know they want to make absolutely sure I'm not pg, but really? I started my period rather early. So, no. Not likely a chem pg. And if it was, do they really think I want to know that? That my period was actually a m/c? Yes, that would be quite lovely. Miscarriage number 3. And, if I am pregnant, what are the chances that I'm actually going to stay pregnant? I just had the heaviest fucking bleeding - seriously, soaking through super tampons in two hours - so you know; great sign for a healthy pregnancy.

To top it all off, this weekend was my first estimated delivery date. So, if things hadn't gotten all FUBAR with my first pregnancy, we could have a baby right now. Isn't that thrilling to know.

I seriously just can't be happy about anything or for anyone right now. It's not fair. All these recent pregnancy announcements on the board are making me sad. And then I feel like a horrible person for being so jealous and miserable.

I could have handled (and did) a negative pg test. A negative cycle. But this forced break I can't. Because last time we were on a forced break I got pg. So now, my hopes (and even more sadly, Marc's) are going to be ridiculously high... when they shouldn't be, because that pregnancy was SUCH a fluke. I know my body doesn't work that way. And when it doesn't work and I'm not pregnant 35 days later and have to start Provera... it's just going to be a lot harder. For both of us.

May 1. 35 days later I'll test so I can start Provera. Just to get a period. May 1 before we get to start doing anything again. It feels so far away.