Temper Tantrum Over

So yesterday I threw a bit of a fit. I was pissed and upset. Today I feel... better. Not quite so angry. I mean, it still SUCKS, but a forced break is a part of IF life. I felt a ton better after talking to Marc yesterday. We looked at what we did the last break cycle when we got pregnant and are going to do everything we can to have that happen again. Starting on cycle day 10, I'm going to take OPK tests and we're going to have sex every other day for a week or two. I really just cannot imagine that my body would ovulate on a break cycle again, but we're going to try. So, although we aren't really doing anything, it still feels like we're taking control of what we can. And that makes me feel better.

To me, it's incredibly weird that we are in the same pattern as before. Pregnancy, miscarriage, negative IUI, break cycle. There are several big differences, of course, but... it's pretty interesting. I can only hope that the pattern continues in the same fashion for just one more step. And only one more step.

I also put my finger on what I dislike about the nurse I'm assigned to. I feel like she doesn't really know me and my situation. I know her IVF patients require more time and I'm sure she tries harder with them... but I still feel like she should try to get to know me more. (Whenever I talk to Dr. M I feel like she knows me and cares. And I know she has a hell of a lot more patients than the stupid nurse.) This whole process is so personal and intimate - yet with her, I get platitudes and she talks to me in a very fake way. She says that she's "bummed for us because we on a break and oooh man!" in her high pitched fake voice that she normally doesn't talk to people with. When she's serious she talks normally... half the time I don't believe a word she's saying she feels. And I hate that she drums the 'be positive!' 'everything's going to be good!' into me and makes me feel bad when I don't feel that way. Marc brought up the point that she has to be positive or people would complain... I just don't want to be browbeat-ed into feeling that way when I don't. I think I should be allowed to feel down and defeated once in a while. Ugh. I just hate her. The sooner I get pregnant and graduate and don't have to deal with her the better.

Maybe I should ask to be reassigned. But I'm not doing IVF so I feel bad, which, in turn angers me. Most people not doing IVF don't get assigned a nurse, which is stupid to me - everyone should have an assigned nurse. If they're going to offer other ARTs then they should treat everyone the same - not like some stepchildren because we aren't ready for IVF and possibly can't afford it. (I also have a huge problem with clinics charging regular people so much money for all of this and then giving insurance companies discounts - what's that about anyway? pisses me off....)

Anyway, I don't really know what I'm going to do about this. I guess I'll stay with her until something really pisses me off. I got kinda snipy with her yesterday on the phone. I made it clear that I didn't like the blood test, even though I knew why they had to do it. It doesn't feel like she listens to me (or even likes me). Before I could even say that I knew why they had to do it, she was telling me and kind of arguing with me about it. When I was agreeing with her! I basically took some of my bad mood out on her, but overall was just very upset. She didn't help at all. Not that I feel too bad about it - I didn't appreciate the false tones she was talking to me in and she didn't try to make me feel better about anything. AARGGHHH.. Ok. I'm just done talking about this. We'll see what happens. I know she has a good IUI success rate. I'm not going to do anything for now.