Complain-y

Please do not read unless you like to hear me complain.

How is it that there is so much to do, yet I have zero energy to do it? And, its not like I work. I'm a total suck on the household and all I do is lay around all day and still manage to be exhausted. There's not a lot I can do, but doing nothing makes me feel... totally worthless.

And speaking of being a total suck... I will have to go back to work sooner than I anticipated. And it bums me out. Because its my fault we're in this position financially. If I had found a job, started subbing, done something to earn money... and I didn't and now we're in a tough spot. If I were working now. If I were getting paid maternity leave. M is totally stressed at work, but we need the money. We have to get a larger car (long story short, the stroller we got (an 'inexpensive' double as a gift) and doesn't fit in either of our cars) and to do that, we have to trade in M's car. M's car is much nicer than my car and is pretty freaking brand new. It still smells like a new car. And he's treated it so well. And my car, which is finally paid off, is the one he's going to have to drive now. And he doesn't deserve that, but we can't afford the second car payment. Again, it's my fault because if I had been working, we would be in a much better place. And, yes, the economy sucks, but let's be honest here - I could have done a lot more and tried a lot harder to get a job. And I let the IVF and then pregnancy, and then the selling and moving keep me from looking once that started. But before that - I could have and SHOULD have found a job. And now, at 30w5d pregnant, it's too late for that.

So blah. I suck. And I have no idea what I'm going to do, especially after these babies are born. Finding a job... fills me with total anxiety and scares me. What will I find? Will I be happy? How will I get back into the "work" mode with two babies at home? And how the hell am I going to have time for everything? And who will watch the babies? Agh. I'm really trying to appreciate that, although it causes financial strain, I am home now and I should appreciate the time I have to rest, relax and be by myself. But sometimes I hate myself for it. Especially when I do nothing all day but fight boredom. And have nothing to show for it.