Friday, January 25, 2008

My Stupid Body

Or my stupid ovaries. Same diff...

Well, it seems I have officially been welcomed to the supremely shitty world of infertility. Fanfuckingtastic.

I have an appointment with an infertility specialist. Bring on the bills! The clomid didn't work. Again. And my stupid OB/GYN referred me to this other doctor after two tries on it. Not three, like she said. I guess when you increase the Clomid and I still don't ovualte that says something. That something is "Sorry - take your non-egg-producing ass to be someone else's problem." Ok, maybe that wasn't an exact quote from my doctor, but it still stings like good old fashioned rejection.

So now I get to go through what thousands, millions of other women have been forced to go through. Joy.

I have to admit, I always thought I would have a problem getting pregnant. My mom told me that ever since I had the most wonky and irregular periods. So is it that I convinced myself it would happen or was it going to happen anyway? Too philisophical for my muddled brain (its Friday people!) Knowing, believing this, I always protected myself from it. Told myself that it didn't matter if I had kids or not, that it wasn't that big a deal. I've been trying to prepare myself for this ever since I was a teenager yet, the reality sucks a lot more than I thought it would. I thought I had myself convinced that it would be ok if things didn't work out. Now, however, things have changed. I never told people I wanted kids. I will still hedge around it because I don't want to open myself to it, all the way. When people ask, I say oh maybe... we'll see! And I fool myself into thinking that this time will have worked! In fact, I was convinced I could actually be pregnant this time! I was so sure I ovulated. And,this is just the beginning. The beginning of a long road.

I just hope I can manage to maintain hope, dignity and humor through it all.

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