Other Things

So, to catch up on everything non-IF/baby related...

Leinie (puppy) has a UTI. Anyone who has ever had one knows how painful and uncomfortable they are and can probably guess how fun this is making the potty training process. She went to the vet and almost $300 later, she has antibiotics and should be feeling better soon. She also is enrolled in a puppy training class, which I'm very excited about. She goes for 8 weeks, on Wednesday nights. I'm happy we actually signed her up for them and are doing it. We've talked and talked about how we need to get her in a class to get trained because once she gets full grown she'll be impossible otherwise, blah blah blah, but now all that talk is being put into action and I'm excited.

I had a job fair yesterday, in which I left with the same feeling of "Wow. I just wasted my day." I really hope something comes from this though.

We also had a showing the other day. Amy said they were interested, but honestly, it doesn't really matter how much they liked it. I've gotten excited over people being "interested" and nothing has ever come of it, so I'm kinda over all that. If we get an offer, then I'll be excited. But not until then.

And, I suppose that's pretty much it. Except - oh yeah. I'm going to be an aunt. My little sister is pregnant. My little, 23-year-old, still-in-school, unmarried sister is pregnant. Surprise! (And as awful as this sounds, I'm kinda relieved she wasn't actually trying - the we've-been-trying-for-a-month-or-two-and-golly-gee!-I'm-preggo! would sting a lot more.)

She's excited though, so I'm happy for her. There's going to be a wedding soon, and I know I'll be picturing my dad with a shotgun the entire time. She's not very far along and has her first appointment with her OBGYN on the 30th where she'll find out for sure.

Honestly, with everything, I'm not super upset. I know it'll be really hard when I see her with a belly. And when I see my dad with his grandchild. That'll be really hard. Really fucking hard. Life doesn't always work out the way you think. I always thought that as the first grandchild, I'd be having the first baby, and I was obviously very wrong about that. I think what I'll be most upset about is all the firsts I'll miss. Firsts I thought for all my life would be mine. And I know that I'll be super upset if she gets anything I don't. It better be fair, dammit. She's been so spoiled all this time (the baby of the family)... I swear to god, I will lose it. It's one thing when she gets a brand new phone and digital camera for Christmas and you get sheets. But our babies better be getting the SAME. DAMN. SHIT. That'll just push me over the edge. It really will. And she better be getting fucking sheets for Christmas now too, since she'll be all married. If things changed for me, they sure as hell better change for her. I almost feel like I should sit down with my mom and have this discussion of what fairness and treating your children equally and showing no favoritism means with her.

Ugh, thinking about all this just makes me feel all ugly and bitter. But, as selfish as it seems, I'm completely serious. I've distanced myself from my family because of shit like this. Because it hurts to see them fawn over and spend so much money on her when they don't for me (and my brother). And I'll be the first to admit, I have unresolved issues from my wedding when they left in the middle of it. (Oh, yes. There's a story here - but it's ugly and bitter and hurts so much I doubt I'll be re-telling it, but it's there.) And the fucking sheets at Christmas amongst cameras and digital phones (and how something similar seems to happen every year. We all get a GPS system? She gets another brand new PDA too... and only her.)(And I still have those sheets, have never used them and will be re-gifting them at an appropriate time.) And the free vs. not so free college education. (Yes, another story. Probably won't fill in the details of that either. Sorry.) But I swear to god if they treat my child (I'll have one dammit - it may not be first, but it'll be there) like they treated me... It will not happen.

Ahem. I've seem to gone off on a rather unpleasant trip down memory lane. So, I'm off to deal with my still sick and peeing everywhere puppy and to eat some breakfast.

ETA: And now, reading this a few hours later, I feel like I should add something. I truly am happy for her and hope that she can make the best of this situation. She knew about our struggles and was very worried about how I would feel about her news and was upset thinking she might upset me. It was sweet of her to be so concerned. I told her that our struggles don't have anything to do with her and I don't blame her for this. Its sweet of her to keep me in mind, but it's not her fault I can't get/stay pregnant. She's excited about this and I'm excited for her, even if I'm sad for myself.

It's also not her fault she was/is treated differently and I'm not angry with her about that either. And, at this point, all projected "unfairness" hasn't even happened. I've no reason to get angry over something that hasn't happened (is it wrong of me to add 'yet'?). I hope my mom pushes her to become more independent and stops holding her hand. If she's going to have and take care of a baby, she has to be able to take care of herself.

And lastly, I need to keep the bitterness out of my blog and my mind. I've tried so hard to work through this and get past all of this and its so ugly when it comes up. I don't want to be that person always looking at the past and comparing this and that. I don't want the past staining my life. (Although, I will admit weakness with the sheets.... we got them the Christmas after we got married, the same year both my brother and sister got digital cameras (my sis got a nicer model, something that chaps my ass for my brother's sake )and chaps his as well)). I will return them to my parents, I just haven't thought of when the most appropriate time would be.)