Thursday, August 6, 2009

Tempting fate, yet agian

This time it's because I bought a pregnancy book. What to Expect (otherwise known as WTEWYE) seemed to be the popular choice, so I just went with that. I don't own any kind of pregnancy book (something M was surprised to hear) and was nervous in the store buying it. It was an odd feeling; half of me kinda felt like a fraud and the other half was praying that buying it wouldn't be the start of something bad happening.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm scared. It's scary. I'm freaked. There's nothing to measure anything with right now. My symptoms come and go. I read some things (like headaches that last longer than a couple of hours - call your doc! or Back pain - signs of an impending miscarriage! or If you've had more than two miscarriages, you have a 40% chance of miscarrying again) and I freak out, and then remember that I've also read that headaches are normal in the first and third tri because of all the hormones and that back pain is also normal... (I don't know of any counter-argument against the m/c statistic, but I try not to think about it.) Because I don't have anything happening until next week, I peed on a stick this morning to see if the line would pop up right away and to see how dark it was. And it popped and was super dark - darker than the control. So that made me feel better - my little at home un-scientific test.

I'm also getting excited. M seems to think that I should be. That I should allow myself to be. That positive thinking will lead to a positive outcome. But I wanted to wait until I saw a heartbeat. I know that seeing a heartbeat isn't the end all be all of a healthy pregnancy, but I've never gotten that far and it's a big milestone to me. So I'm going to try it. Allowing myself to be happy. I'm going to try to let go of some bullshit superstitions I find myself clinging to (no cutting fingernails, waxing eyebrows or painting toenails - bet you didn't know what a super freak I was, huh?) I'm also going to try to stop qualifying everything I think in my head with "Well, maybe. Bad things happen all the time." I'm going to try to think of the good things we could see at next week's ultrasound... like twins :) and a yolk sac, with fetal pole in my uterus and everything looking great and normal and maybe a heartbeat (I did ask Nurse D what they wanted to see next week and she said the chances of seeing a heartbeat was 40%. I hope I'm on the lucky side of that percentage). But it's going to be hard.

2 comments:

K8e said...

It is so scary! I am afraid to read ahead in my pregnancy books. I have my last RE u/s tomorrow (I think it's my last one) I am scared to leave them but hopeful I get to. I am so worried that something happened this week!
GL ! I am sure your super dark line is for real! I have taken so many pg tests since the + my DH thinks I'm crazy

Nerwal said...

Congrats on your graduation! How exciting! Me too about reading ahead - I'm like, well, we'll see about that when we get there.