Monday, October 12, 2009

Since I have the time...

So M is out of town, so I have time to write. I'm going nuts. I started measuring my stomach so I can hopefully curb my craziness that something bad has happened by proof that my stomach is growing. I'm such a nut ball. But, funnily enough, I grew almost an entire inch by the end of the day from when I woke up. I mean, I knew I was getting bigger throughout the day, but I didn't realize it was an inch. It seems like a lot.

Anyway, I'm also going crazy because I don't really feel anything. I mean, I still have some symptoms, but not as many as before. And I know that's the way its supposed to be, but its kinda driving me wacko. I can't wait to feel them kicking around. I can't wait to have a real "hey that chick is pregnant not fat" stomach. I just can't wait to feel like I'm really pregnant. It just feels so unreal right now. And it's still so early! Sometimes I look at other people's tickers and compare myself to them and then realize - wait a sec - they're two weeks ahead of me!

Before it took so long to get pregnant and after the false starts... I now realize that I can't wait to actually have my babies. I used to think that I would cherish being pregnant and relish in the attention and the absolute cuteness of it all. And I think I still will, but with everything that's happened, I just want the babies. Healthy, happy babies. And it makes me kinda sad that that's been taken away from me. I used to tell M that I wanted to really appreciate the time and feelings of being pregnant, because (after realizing what it would take to get pregnant) it was most likely the only time in my life I could experience it. And now, all I want is for the pregnancy to be over and for us to just have babies. And, I feel kinda robbed. All the worry, all the heartache during the pregnancy, kinda takes away from the experience. All the financial dreams we had, all gone. It really hits home when I see my sister and how she behaves toward her pregnancy. She gets maternity clothes for future wear. She doesn't worry about the things that drive me crazy and keep me up at night. She just... assumes everything is fine. And it is! I don't mean that I want something bad to happen to her or my nephew, but there is no reality check for her! And I totally envy it (well as much as I can, because my nature would be to want to know about everything, would want to ask about everything, would just care about all the little details, whereas she is more ditsy, more head in clouds, which, in this case presents itself as assuming everything is fine) (wow can you say run-on sentence?). But I still envy the total state of non anxiety. And am amazed that such an attitude about pregnancy can exist.

Ugh, ok well, enough mental diarrhea onto my blog for today. Time for bed.

1 comment:

outofcntrl82 said...

i totally understand what you mean. I am so afraid of anything- and even when things are checked and look fine- I am relieved until I get home and worry about the next thing.. Its all normal and frustrating but things sounds like they are progressing well and I look forward to seeing some cute belly shots!!