Weird Dreams

So San Antonio was great. We didn't really do anything fun - watched movies both nights and generally didn't do anything. I had vivid dreams one night that funnily enough was very similar to one George had, which was funny. We ate great (like always) thanks to George.

So last night I had a weird dream about starting my period. :( So I guess we'll see what happens there. My boobs have already gotten less tender (I think it was the trigger that caused the sore boobies side effect in the first place - I was just hoping that some real sore boobie symptom would take its place). Anyway, so there's nothing new to report. I am 8dpiui today. I'm going to be running to the dollar store later to pick up some pee sticks, although I may wait to so I don't get tempted to pee early. I know knowing really won't make a difference in anything. But you know. Knowing would mean I would know. Ah, now I'm just talking in circles.

In other news, we got accepted into the Attain program! Whoo-hoo! So if we decide to spend $23,400 for 3 IVF and 3 FET cycles, we can. Well, I guess with a guarantee of 70% back if it doesn't work. We have 60 days to accept or not. I think we'll do a couple more IUI's before we do IVF. So we may need to re-apply later. But at least all the tests are done so if we want to or need to convert a cycle to IVF we can.

March the 18th

We had a showing! And they were interested! And we had a Realtor call Amy who said that she had a client who was interested (she saw the house last week)! So yay for all the interest on the house!

Today and tomorrow is when the implantation should occur, if there be any fertilized anythings to implant. We'll see. So the cleaning for the house this morning was light. And I haven't exerted myself and I plan on doing nothing but sitting on my ass all the live long rest of the day. And possibly tomorrow.

The BLOAT

Oh. My. God. I feel like I've gained 20 pounds. All in my stomach. The bloat is unbelievable. I'm still taking the wheat grass, but today it doesn't seem to be doing much, like it has in the past week or so. I just sit here, hoping to fart and burp to try to get rid of some of this.

And, after that lovely intro - Happy St. Patrick's Day! I plan on going up to Sherlock's with the gang today, so that's exciting. I know its so not what I "should" do while trying to get pregnant and spending lots of money to get pregnant, but I plan on drinking tonight. I just don't think its going to make a difference in whether or not I get and stay pregnant. I mean, the last two pregnancies, I was so good. I didn't drink any alcohol, much less caffeine, etc. I drank a ton of water. I ate healthier. And none of it did any good. So right now - I'm not going to stress about it. What happens will happen, whether I drink today or not. Whether I have a soda today. Or not. What I do today will not have much impact on whether I get pg (within certain limits, of course). So I plan on having a good time. I'm not going to get drunk, I'm not going to get crazy. But, I'm going to have a good time hanging out with friends. Last night, today, tonight or tomorrow morning, the sperm should fertilize the egg. I got worried this morning after reading about a WTF appointment from someone who did IVF with a negative result who said that her eggs may not have been fully mature because she stimmed so fast - under 8 days. Well, I only stimmed for 7 days, so now I'm a little worried that my eggs weren't mature enough. Oh well. I'll guess we'll see. Wednesday or Thursday should be implantation day. I just keep visualizing whats going on in there to hopefully get my body and the spermies to cooperate. Hopefully, the luck of the Irish will be with me! Fertilize egg! Fertilize!

IUI #4 This Morning

And now I am tired. Everything went well. The nurse who did the IUI said I was "easy" because the IUI was easy to do on me. Apparently, I'm very "open" down there and it was easy to get everything in. Well, gee! They sure know how to flatter a girl! Afterward I made a trip to Costco and then the grocery store. The maids were at the house (yay for a clean house) so I hung out with Amy and Ponch and had lunch with them. By the time I got home, I was super tired and bloated as hell. The prescibed sexy time happened, but I was freaked out that what happened last time (the horrible, horrible waves of pain through my abdomen) would happen again, so I was careful and, thankfully, nothing happened. So now we wait. Although the goal right now is to just get pregnant, I'm kinda freaked about it and worried about staying pregnant. But, one step at a time. First I just need to get pregnant.

Things Are a Go!

So tonight I trigger. We went to the RE this morning and got blood work and a scan and got the phone call to trigger tonight at 9:30pm. We had 2 mature-ish follies (15mm and 16mm) and one that was pretty close. I don't know what my estrogen levels were as I got a message, but hopefully we aren't triggering too early. This means the IUI will be Monday morning. I kinda wanted it to be on St. Patrick's Day, because that's when we got engaged, but it's close enough. I'm kinda torn as to how much I'm going to really be partying. I don't really want to drink a lot, but at the same time was looking forward to celebrating with Amy. Since I'd only be one day past the IUI I think I'll just have a couple of drinks, but not over do it. But I'm pretty excited about the IUI! I hope it goes really well!

Hysteroscopy This Morning

So this morning was my pain-free completely cool hysteroscopy. I got to see the inside of my uterus and my fallopian tubes - in real time on a screen with a camera. It was awesome! And, everything looked good, thank god. I also have one good sized follicle on each ovary (a 10 and a 13) so that's good. My e2 is only 275, but we're lowering my stims to 75iu's and go back on Saturday morning.

But now I'm really stuck with what we do next. We're getting everything ready to move to IVF because we felt like that's what we 'should' do; the logical next step, after what will be our fourth IUI this cycle. I'm excited about it - about moving forward...

BUT after talking with Dr. M today, I'm even more unsure. She basically said that it was a matter of patience - whether we want a baby NOW or if it's ok with us if it takes a bit longer. All our problems are with my reproductive system and as she puts it I'm young - 27. But DH is 41. (His stuff is fine and I know it doesn't really matter how old he is IF wise, but as he puts it, he doesn't want to be the grandpa on the playground with our kid(s).)

We've been at the RE for a little over a year (off BCP to get pg since Jan 2006) and after 2 pregnancies and 2 subsequent m/c's I know I can get pg without IVF... but I also want to get and stay pg NOW. But I don't want to spend the $$ for IVF if we can get pg without it and I know IVF won't necessarily help me stay pg, but I also know that if there are problems with us tests haven't brought up so far, IVF could reveal them. We did just get diagnosed with the MTHFR mutation so its possible that that could explain one or both of the m/c's and that more IUI's would lead to a successful, viable pregnancy. Ugh. I'm so stuck. I would love it if this wasn't even an issue in a couple of weeks.

IUI #4 Update

So I got the e2 results from this morning - it's at 124. Not the greatest, so I'm kinda bummed about that, but hopefully they'll get better. I am to continue the 150iu and then go in Thursday for a scan and more bloodwork, along with the hysteroscopy.

Tomorrow is the OB GYN yearly. The nurse was calling to confirm my appointment and I told her I had the pap done at HIVF, so she wondered if I really needed to come in at all. She confirmed that I would come in when I found out I was pg and that we could do everything then. I agreed until she said, well I guess we don't know how long it'll take for you to get pg. And I told her I had been with HIVF for over a year. And she said, well then you should definitely come in. I know she didn't mean to imply that it would take me even LONGER to get pg, but seriously. It's called tact and thinking before you speak. Needless to say, I'm going in tomorrow, for what is promising to be a rather unpleasant day. I get to recap the entire year for her. Joy.

Wheatgrass for me!

So after reading about it, and (more importantly) reading about all the people who have gotten pregnant while taking wheatgrass, I've decided to buy some and try it. I don't know how long it'll take for the stuff to take effect, but I'm hoping that it will work its magic by this cycle's IUI. And if this cycle doesn't work (which - positive vibes here!) then the wheatgrass should continue all those great things and hopefully make the IVF cycle fantastic. I'm convinced that its just a matter of time. This year will be different and things will be great.

Never thought I'd be here tonight

I just took the first injectible shot tonight since last October. I know its weird, but I really, really thought that there wouldn't be anymore shots until IVF time. We got pregnant again right after that cycle on a break cycle and I just thought - ok this is it. For real - like not even for IVF. I can't imagine myself giving myself any more shots - like I literally can't see it. I'm done. And tonight, it all started again. I'm excited to be starting up again, don't get me wrong, but I'm also kinda surprised that I did it. That I had to do it. That I looked down and saw myself give myself a shot. It doesn't really seem real.

And while part of me is all lament-y and stuff, another part is all - YYYEAAAHHH!!!! We're really doing this again - wah-hoo! I just hope this isn't a throwaway cycle before we move to IVF. I really hope this one works. Even if I am using 'old' meds. So 150iu of Gonal tonight, tomorrow and Monday, and then doctor appt Tuesday so see where we are. Marc's coming with to get communicables tested again and then Thursday, I'll get the hysteroscopy.

Today was also the last day of Saturday class for me at ACT... only Monday and Tuesday left! It honestly feels like throwaway classes. I mean, we're learning good stuff, but it's just so close to the end. We've passed the tests and made it through the projects. It just feels like there's not much else to get through. I guess the hardest part is yet to come.

Today was also Mike's memorial service. RIP Mike. I wish I had gotten to know you better, but I liked what I knew and liked hanging out with you and Anne.

We have a showing tomorrow, which I really hope goes well. I told Amy today that I'm not optimistic, and that I don't care if the house just sits on the market - I'd rather it be listed than not - know what I mean? I just don't think there's a market out there right now. No one's buying. But I'd rather the house be listed than not. Just in case. Everyone needs SOMEWHERE to live, right? Why not here?

We also found out today that Euchre got all knocked up. I swear. First time being poked and she gets babies (I mean, is this seriously fair?!? Not that I wish I had gotten KU the first time I was 'poked' or anything, but come on!). We get first pick - heehee! I'm so excited to get a little Winston/Euchre pup! They're going to be the MOST beautiful little beebees ever. And, that means we get a dog!!! The cats will freak, but I'm just so excited. I heart dogs and have wanted one for so long. I'll also be helping Amy take care of them, as much as she needs me to, anyway. How fun!

This Makes Me Heartsick

http://www.sweet-juniper.com/2009/02/i-scrapper.html

and angry and sad and shocked and appalled and... well just about speechless.

OK. What. The. Fuck.

I so thought today was the day. I so thought wow, I can't believe this, I'm starting my period today, which is even better than I thought. I didn't think I'd start until Friday. And then my schedule would be all fucked up because I have class on Saturday I DO NOT want to miss. Actually, I take that back. I will not miss that class. So I don't really know what that would mean and when I'd go in. So yeah. The cramping it started. There was discharge. I was well on my way. And then it all stopped. Or stalled. I prefer stalled. Meaning that it will eventually start up again. Soon. God I hope it starts again soon. I don't want to jinx myself out of it. Maybe I'll just go to bed now.

Update

So I passed my sickness onto Marc, and he has not enjoyed it at all. I think he's finally getting over it though. Monday was my last day on Provera and I think I'm starting a little bit today. The cramps are coming and I've had some spotting. I hope this is the real thing. I took a pg test this morning, knowing it would be negative in hopes that it would spur AF to action, so it might have worked. I won't be able to call today day one though, its looking like. So we'll see. I'm excited that this is finally starting up again. It feels like its been so long.

I only have 3 more classes left of my teacher training, so that's exciting. I need to finish the last couple of tickets, but after that I should be mostly done. Last week I had my mini teach which was extremely nerve-wracking, but done. And my teacher said I did really well and that I was "a natural". Whoop-ee! It was very gratifying to hear that and makes me feel much more confident. And, Amy and I both passed our ESL certification tests. So we can now be more marketable as potential teachers and hopefully find great jobs. I'm not 100% sure about teaching to these kids - at least for my first year, I'd like to at least have a 'normal' class without the higher demands and pressures, but I don't know that that will be possible.

The house hasn't seen any more action, for which we are incredibly bummed about. I just can't help but think about the timing of everything and I really, really hope that it will all work out together (the baby and the house) and SOON. I just kinda feel like we're in some strange limbo period, and have been for about a year now. I just wish something would happen. And now seems like the worst time, economically, for us to be in this situation.

Uck...Yack...

I'm just now getting over being sick. I started feeling badly the day after we got back from Mexico, so I'm guessing it's something I picked up on the plane (probably from those damn babies) or airport. Or it could have been all the ugly ranting from the last post, which, after re-reading seems excessive, but I'm not going to delete or edit it. I blame the hormones. The sore throat, the sinus headaches, the sneezing, etc. Man it's been ugly. At least all I've needed to this past week was do laundry, clean up the house and read the Sookie Stackhouse books, which I've done. At least until book 7. I'm waiting for book 8 to arrive in the mail. Whee!

We had one showing this weekend, which seemed promising. Of course we haven't heard anything and they didn't have a pre-approval letter, so I'm guessing it wasn't a serious buyer.

This week I have to concentrate on finishing my assignments for my ACT classes. I have a major presentation due Saturday that I have to put together this week. And I have the ESL test on Wednesday afternoon that I'll spend all morning studying for.

I'm on day 4 of the Provera. No sign of AF, so I'm guessing it'll take the full course before I get anything. Which, according to my past history means I should be starting my period around March 6. Which would mean a tame St. Patrick's Day for me, as I'll likely be in the 2ww.

Back from Vacation

It was a lot of fun. Cancun was very cool, Chichen Itza was awesome and Isla Mujeres was muy excelente.

Until the flight back.
The flight - fine.
The emptiness of the plane - great.
The amount of time it took to get through the airport/customs on both sides - surprisingly incredibly fast.
The mommies and daddies with the little babies all around who would only talk to each other about their trip and no one else and who were all around us and made up over half the flight and whose little babies screamed on the plane and who at least two of them pooped - my worst fucking nightmare.
It didn't help that I was feeling all hormonal and started to cry. (No one really noticed as I'm always appalled to cry in public and around people and was therefore silent and non obvious (I hope).) But there it is. Everything hit me at once.

Before two of the mommies started comparing notes, the younger mommy (w/ a 3 mth old) was showing off her baby. I failed at being overly impressed.

It was all just TOO MUCH. It was shoved down our throats. It made me want to sit up and scream at her/them 'Do you think I wouldn't like to have my own baby by now how much did yours cost how many died before you got that one and fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou I would have been 34 weeks right now OR around 18 weeks right now and then you would have talked to me you bitches fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou'. But I'm getting myself all upset again and having the nice cry I couldn't yesterday.

I feel like I should be starting my period anytime. I've had cramping off and on the last week, but nothing. There's been spotting after the sexy time, but that's all. And I took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative. I'm due to start Provera on Saturday, so I'll need to call in and get them to renew the prescription tomorrow so I can start them on Saturday after another negative test.

Let me tell you though - that break cycle non-miracle sure had my hopes up for a repeat. They sure did crash down hard after last night's test.

And now I'm off to finish the laundry, my homework and maybe read some.

Some good news: our house is officially listed. Townhouse buyers welcome.

New Stuff

So I've been playing with different free backgrounds I've found online... and I'm so happy with the new one! It's so cute and I've had so much fun playing and picking different colors... I just love it.

So long

so so so so so long since I've updated my blog...

Let's see... what is today? Feb.9. Maybe it hasn't been too long. There's not really much going on.

I have class tonight... that's all going well. I got pretty frustrated with my last class (Saturday) as we basically read out loud everything we were supposed to read at home. I mean, what's the freaking point of that? Felt like a total waste of time. Half a class day on Saturday and then... MEXICO!!! Whoo-hoo! Super excited about that. And that we'll be gone, just the two of us for so long. We don't usually take vacations, just the two of us, so I'm pretty excited about it. Let's see if I can use 'just the two of us' in another sentence in this post, because I seem to be on a roll. I also am scheduled to take the ESL test which will qualify me to teach ESL (although I'm not sure I want to). Amy and I passed the generalist 4-8 exam, so I am now techincally qualified to teach EC-8. Go me.

I have two observations scheduled this week at my mom's school; Wednesday with 1st grade and Friday with 4th. I'm pretty excited about the 4th grade appointment, but also nervous since it'll be the day before V-day and I'm worried that it won't be a 'typical' day. And, I don't know when I'm supposed to be there. So, that's kinda frustrating. The rest of the week includes happy hour Wednesday with Sarah (after observing), homework for Saturday's class that I haven't started, packing for our trip, movie day tomorrow with Amy (to see Bride Wars, He's Just Not That Into You, and Shopaholic - can you say chick-flick-a-palooza?) and I should probably go into my moms class again to see a 'typical day'... I guess on Thursday.

Overall, this week should be pretty busy, which is a nice change. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that what with the construction and classes lately I'm not just sitting here. Today I applied for part-time, no brainer admin/ office assistant jobs. I'm really hoping something comes through. I figure with the classes, observing, IF treatments, etc. it would be great to get something part time to help with the monthly expenses. (especially if (knockonwood) I get something at Memorial Hermann hospitals, who cover IVF in their insurance so we wouldn't have to worry about, oh well anything financially - but we're going to keep this real quiet and not anger the karma gods who don't like it when you talk about things like this shhhhhh) And we got the test results back from the retested proteins s and c - both negative or normal. So that's good. I have to say, I'm looking forward to starting this whole thing up again, unbelievably. We're doing an IUI during the cycle we're doing the hysteroscopy for application into the IVF Shared Risk program. We are hesitating spending so much on IVF since I've gotten pregnant twice without it. So we'll see. I would love to not have to do IVF just because it would take so much financial stress off us. (I just reread that sentence and thought well duh. No one wants to spend that kind of money... retarded-ness personified here.)

I'm also hoping that our house will be listed by the end of the week. I WAS hoping it would be listed earlier, but what are you gonna do? George came in town last week, which was nice. She stayed with us and we worked on painting Amy's bathroom.

So that's about it. Let's see... Just the two of us. There. Done.

NEWS

So I am just finishing my period. Which started exactly one month from the D&C. Which was weird. And we got test results back. The karotyping was normal for both of us. I have to go back in so they can retest for the protein c and s - one was elevated and the other was not able to be run in the lab due to the lab fucking the sample up. Whatever. However, I am positive for the MTHFR gene mutation. After a little bit of research, and another phone call to the clinic and even more research, I now know that I have the heterozygous for A1298C mutation. Which is the least serious form of the mutation possible. All I have to do is take 5 times the normal amount of folic acid to make sure I am getting the right amount. As for the the protein c... well I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there. It's a clotting factor, so I hope that the only thing I'd have to do to fix it is take some baby aspirin, if needed. To be honest, I'm tempted to take the baby aspirin anyway, as I don't see as to how it could hurt anything.


In other news, the contractors are here! And they're fixing the house! And it looks good! And it will be done by the end of the week! Whoo-hoo!

And I have a test on Friday - the Generalist 4-8 Texes test that I have to pass if I want to teach grades 4 through 8. Or, 5 through 8 really, because I passed the EC-4 test... but semantics. So I'm supposed to be studying this week for the test on Friday. And I really haven't studied all that much. But I plan on it. I was never much of a good student.

Goodbye 2008; You Mother Fucking Whore. I HATE You

And hello there 2009! How are you doing? Feeling nice and generous? Anything you need, you just let me know. I am HERE for YOU.

So, let's see... 2008 ended with a nice bout of complete and total suckiness. I ended up needing the D&C - yay surgery! I forgot that anesthesia makes me hurl so there was that. (So noted, not to be forgotten again.) But, the bleeding was non existent by that Sunday, thus ending the pad wearing days I had grown accustomed to after 6 weeks of it. The surgery was exactly one week before Christmas.

We went to the clinic Monday to get blood work and after waiting an hour, we were finally able to do that. It makes me laugh when they don't know why you're there. I mean, just look in my chart, people! Dr. M said she wrote a note about how we were coming in for blood work for karyotyping today. No, I'm not having any problems and please PLEASE do not do a scan. I have a feeling my bits are still a bit sensitive. I also hated when Dr. M couldn't do my D&C and Dr. C had to. I don't like him as much and Marc says I act differently around him. He's the one who tried to push us into IVF after the first cycle was cancelled. Pfft. Yeah. We showed him. Anyway, so all my follow ups were with him. So they took the blood. Now the wait for the testing.

I took a pregnancy test after the blood work and appointment, just to see how my HCG levels were. It was negative! I couldn't believe it. (Continued story after the inescapable Xmas recap)

For Christmas, we hosted Chili and Shrimp party and had a lot of fun with my siblings and family. Amy and Ponch were sick, so they didn't stay long. We went over to Aunt Laura's Christmas day and the drove to SA with Cody in tow. We had fun and I think Cody and Matt got along well. We saw Amanda and Chris and found out that they lost their baby as well. Cody and I got sick from allergies to cedar which was pretty brutal. We went back home Sunday.

(ahem) So I was hoping for good things went I went in Dec. 31. And the nicest thing happened (I think it was 2009's influence on the bitch who knew she was going down, 2008). My scan showed a normal uterine lining (shocking!). I had a follicle on my right ovary that was measuring 10.3mm and my uterus was empty!!! And, they did more blood work for the rest of the Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL) panel, and tested to see what my HCG levels were. See, they couldn't send off the blood work for the RPL panel if the HCG level was positive. So I was hoping that they were 0. And... they were 1.5, which they counted as negative, which means all the blood they took (seriously, like 9 vials) can be sent off and the testing can start. And, that means I'm no longer officially, technically pregnant!!! Dr. C said that waiting for your levels can drop can be like a 6 week process, especially when they're high, like mine (hello - 8,234). So now we wait for test results, which I'm already nervous about, but at least will hopefully (??? should I 'hope' something is wrong without feeling horribly guilty like I want something to have killed our babies?) explain why our babies have not survived. Or not. And I'm just the most unlucky bitch ever. I guess I should say we. But you know. My body. I think I can claim majority of unluckiness.

Needless to say, that was the best thing that had happened in this whole mother fucking mess. And, like I said, I think it was 2009's influence. Rock on with your bad ass self, 2009. I loves you already.

We spent NYE over at Alexifer's playing Halo. It was fun and low key. I wasn't really into celebrating the end of 08, so it seemed an apropos way to end it. Now we just wait for test results. And live life as best we can without trying to get pregnant. I start my classes on the 8th and I'm hoping that will be a good distraction. I also am applying to substitute teach so I can get some experience before actually trying to get a teaching job. We'll see how that goes. :) Its nice to have something distracting to look forward to. And, we have people scheduled to come and fix our house! Whoopee! Which means it'll be back on the market in no time. And this time, we aren't playing around. We're cutting the price and just getting rid of this bitch. And buying a house. A beautiful house. Scary, with me not having a job, but it'll work out because...

I'll get a job. Also, scary, but imperative.

So here's a big fuck off to you 2008. Fuck you for the miscarriage in July, the layoff in August, our house not selling all goddamn summer, Marc's grandparents dying, the hurricane causing damage to our house in September, the second non-viable pregnancy, with following fun ending with a D&C...

And hello, you beautiful thing you. Hello 2009.

Complete and Total FAIL

Apparently, my body wants to stay pregnant. Very badly. See the following:

Monday: Scan. Fetal tissue present. Cytotec (misoprostol) administered. Bleeding ensues.

Tuesday: Scan. Residual tissue remains. Dialated cervix at RE to stimulate things.

Wednesday: Scan. Residual tissue remaims. Dialated cervix at RE in an attempt to pass the tissue in the office. Cytotec administered. 

And... so far nothing. Here's what I'm seeing in my future: 

Thursday: Scan. Residual tissue remains. D&C scheduled and performed. 

THE END OF THIS FUCKING NIGHTMARE. 

So, as you can see, I not only fail at sometimes getting pregnant, but completely fail at staying pregnant (hopefully this is not permanent) and now, fail at miscarrying a baby! And I have the honor of being the first patient of Dr. McKenzie's who has ever needed two doses of Cytotec (and possibly only the third or fourth patient in the practice). And, if I need a D&C I will be the first person in the entire practice who has needed two doses of Cytotec and a D&C. 

So I fail. My RE kinda put it off as a good thing and that in the future my body will hang on to a 'good' pregnancy. We'll see about that, as my track record isn't so good. 

Heartbreak Daily

It's been one week since we found out that the baby does not have a heartbeat and is no longer growing.

7 (almost 8) whole days of depression, heartbreak, tears, anxiousness and failure. Of numbness, gut-wrenching sobbing, anger, disbelief and guilt. Of walking around with the knowledge that my baby died. Again. Of pain so great I don't want to and can't really sleep. So great that I can't bear to be around anything that reminds me of babies and pregnancy.

It's been 9 days since we heard from Marc's step sister that they're expecting. She's due two weeks after I would have been. I had a dream about seeing her last night and how I tried to get out of it and everybody thought that I was being selfish and rude because I wasn't happy for her. But I just couldn't. It just hurt so bad.

In one week I have another doctor's appointment to check on the progress of things. The bleeding has slowed a lot the last couple of days. If I don't know better I would be ecstatic. But I do know better and it feels like the universe is just laughing at me. Because all I want now is for this to be over. I don't want a dead baby in my uterus anymore. I walk around thinking about the dead baby in my body. What's going to happen? Will I have to have a D&C? I'm tired of recognizing the few pregnancy symptoms I'm still feeling and being reminded that, once again, my body has failed to be able to carry, sustain and grow life. Once again, I have failed at the basic function that makes me a woman.

I see pregnant people and babies daily. I cry daily. I try my hardest to ignore that area of my life. I do my best not to think of the mess my life and body is in. I spend my days doing everything I can from being bored and thinking of this thing that has become my life. This pain that is my life.

Marc and I were talking the other day about how 2008 was not a good year for us. Marc's grandparents died. I got laid off. Our house was listed for 6 months with no offers and few showings. We spent thousands on fertility treatments. And we have two dead babies. I hope I miscarry before the end of the year. Somehow I don't think my doctors will let it last that long, but I suppose you never know.

I told Marc that the next pregnancy, I do not want to be told to 'be positive'. I don't want to hear anything about how I should be excited. I don't want to be admonished for being practical, even if that practicality is negative. I don't want anyone telling me how I should or should not feel when the time comes, because I don't want to hear it. I'll decide how I feel, since obviously, being happy and positive has done nothing for me thus far. I'll feel what I want when I want, because I already know that there is nothing more scary than being pregnant.