Pictures!

Edited: I deleted all the stuff about the house stuff because I didn't want that bad stuff grouped with baby pics. If you missed it, sorry. I'll probably retell it later.

And pictures:


This is Baby B who is completely upside down.


And this is Baby A. We haven't gotten group shots since the 6 week mark. Still so tiny and small. Hard to believe these beans are causing me so much bloat and food issues. I can't wait until these beans look more like real babies. This week was better than before with the looking like babies versus looking like blobs. Also, I made my OB appointment - it's next Friday. I don't know if they're going to do vag cam scans, so who knows when my next set of pictures will be. I still haven't decided if I want to graduate myself from the RE, but am leaning towards it, if nothing but for the cost of the scans - $185. We get a discounted rate through our insurance, but we won't see that money for a while. We're going to be seriously budgeting from here on out with (knock on wood) a new house and twins on the way and all the costs that are associated with each.

8w1d

We had another scan yesterday and everything was good! A's HB was 179 and B's was 170... everything was pretty much on track. I got into trouble because I haven't made an appointment with an OB yet. I wanted to wait until after this appointment and was told to get an appointment ASAP. Opps. I'm switching OB's though, so I'm trying to research a good one. They gave me a recommendation of some doctors who are in their building, so that's nice. I have to look them up first. I liked my other one (she's the one who recommended me to my clinic) but she's a drive and now that I don't work over there, there's no reason for me to make the drive.

I'm hairy as a something-really-hairy right now and am fighting the urge to shave... BUT there hasn't been another bleeding episode!!!!!! (knock on wood) And the SCH shrunk a little. Whoo-hoo! My symptoms are still come and go, which never ceases to freak me out. Sleeping... is... a fight. I am tired, but just can't seem to sleep very well or very long. I had my first gag/dry heave the other day - just the toothbrush and water first thing in the morning, but still no barfing (yay!). But I am pretty queasy a lot and food is very iffy right now. I don't fit into my pants very well, but this could be from the donuts I've been eating (because OMG yummmmm).... or it could be because I've got two embryos-almost-fetuses in me. I'm a tall person (5'11") and *ahem* not thin (slightly overweight) so I thought for sure that I wouldn't show (not that I'm 'showing' cuz I'm not, but my pudge has definitely gotten bigger) or be busting out of clothes this soon, but I apparently am. Spandex is my friend. I don't know if this is normal? Or just super bloat?

M keeps asking me when I'm going to "get excited" about this. And I tell him I am excited, but I know what he means. I'm reserved. You can't have something taken away and hear all the awful stories and not think that it could happen to you. (TMI warning) Every over-abundance of cervical discharge sends me rushing into the bathroom or pulling down my pants (when alone) to check my underwear. Today is one of those days. But, as far as we've made it, as normal as everything looks, it's still just so early. I feel like time has gone by so slowly that it should be the 12th week, but man, I've got a whole month until then! I keep giving M deadlines like, past seven weeks, when we get to 10 weeks, when we're out of the first tri, then I'll relax. We'll (hopefully) see.

Pics: Coming soon (hopefully). M has to scan them in so they're digital. But he will. And then I'll put them up.

7w0d

And all is... good?

Can you believe it? We saw the heartbeats again today (A: 129 B: 134), and everyone is measuring on track. They are supposed to be the size of blueberries! Yum! There is a SCH though, but its apparently small. I'm still quite worried about it and google is my enemy. Hopefully everything will be fine.

I had yet another bleeding scare yesterday. It was about a two inch in diameter spot in my underwear when I stood up that was like watered down blood that increasingly got more bright red, but also less and less. M noticed a trend - I tend to bleed on days I shave my legs. I wonder if its something I do, some way I bend or twist in the shower? I don't know, but you can bet that I won't be shaving in the shower anytime soon. And hopefully we'll go a full week (or - dare I even hope it - more) without blood. That would be nice. Really, really nice.

We also had my mom and dad over for lunch Sunday and they are officially in the know about the embryos that are growing in my ute. They were super excited for us, although we warned about the earliness of everything. I think pictures drowned out our warnings.

Totally Stolen

But right now I need them. Success After a Loss Mantras:

-"Today I am pregnant and I love my baby."


-"I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise."


-"My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c."


-"Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you." We all know m/c and complications are not contagious!


- "Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot ‘jinx’ your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive!


- "There is nothing I can do to prevent a m/c from happening. Worrying yourself sick doesn't prevent a m/c. And if (gods forbid)it were to happen again, I know I will survive."

The Chance at Hope

The post I originally wanted to write would have been full of hope. We passed our milestone yesterday and saw both babies heartbeats. We heard one, pumping away at a beautiful 103 bpm. We were joyous. Laughing, crying... we couldn't believe we landed on the good side of a percentage again. We told M's mom. We told our friends who knew we were pregnant already. We were so excited.

Maybe too excited.

I woke up with blood in my underwear. Blood, again. We've been to the RE's office for another scan, although by the time we got there, the bleeding had gone. Once again, no blood coming from the uterus and both babies are fine. *breathe* I can't begin to tell you how stressed and anxious these "episodes" have made me. I was sure I was losing them, each time. I still question everything I feel or don't feel. If I can just make it through this week. And then the next. M came home to take me to the doctor. He's my hero. I'm so glad he was there.

In good news, we got to see both babies, measure both heartbeats this time (A: 112; B: 99) and get more pictures. It's amazing to see the difference in growth in less than 24 hours. Right now they're a grain of rice. And I'm scared shitless, but so thankful everything seems to be good (for now).

And now, because I know you want to see, a picture from yesterday at 6w0d.

Scary night and an Update

So last night, I'm sitting on the couch, eating too much ice cream and I feel a gush. Go to the bathroom and all I see is bright red blood. A lot of it. I tell M that I'm bleeding. It takes a second for him to understand. I have him call the on call nurse at the clinic. And she tells me to skip the Lovenox and baby aspirin and take it easy and stay hydrated. I make an appointment to come in this morning for a scan.

I didn't sleep. I cried all night long, sure I was losing this baby. My third miscarriage. The blood kept coming, with waves of pain and cramping in my back and abdomen. I passed a few clots and thought this was it.

We went to the clinic and got a scan. I'm only 5w3d today. But, good news. No bleeding from the uterus. I couldn't believe it. And, there are two sacs. M kept saying I can't believe you're doing this to me.

I can't believe I'm not miscarrying them. But as happy as I am about there being two, its doubly freak-out-ness now. Because if I do miscarry, now I know I'll be losing two.

I'm still so freaked out and scared. I'm still cramping. My back still hurts and I still have dark brown blood coming out. At least it isn't bright red. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We still have a long way to go and a lot can happen.

Tempting fate, yet agian

This time it's because I bought a pregnancy book. What to Expect (otherwise known as WTEWYE) seemed to be the popular choice, so I just went with that. I don't own any kind of pregnancy book (something M was surprised to hear) and was nervous in the store buying it. It was an odd feeling; half of me kinda felt like a fraud and the other half was praying that buying it wouldn't be the start of something bad happening.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I'm scared. It's scary. I'm freaked. There's nothing to measure anything with right now. My symptoms come and go. I read some things (like headaches that last longer than a couple of hours - call your doc! or Back pain - signs of an impending miscarriage! or If you've had more than two miscarriages, you have a 40% chance of miscarrying again) and I freak out, and then remember that I've also read that headaches are normal in the first and third tri because of all the hormones and that back pain is also normal... (I don't know of any counter-argument against the m/c statistic, but I try not to think about it.) Because I don't have anything happening until next week, I peed on a stick this morning to see if the line would pop up right away and to see how dark it was. And it popped and was super dark - darker than the control. So that made me feel better - my little at home un-scientific test.

I'm also getting excited. M seems to think that I should be. That I should allow myself to be. That positive thinking will lead to a positive outcome. But I wanted to wait until I saw a heartbeat. I know that seeing a heartbeat isn't the end all be all of a healthy pregnancy, but I've never gotten that far and it's a big milestone to me. So I'm going to try it. Allowing myself to be happy. I'm going to try to let go of some bullshit superstitions I find myself clinging to (no cutting fingernails, waxing eyebrows or painting toenails - bet you didn't know what a super freak I was, huh?) I'm also going to try to stop qualifying everything I think in my head with "Well, maybe. Bad things happen all the time." I'm going to try to think of the good things we could see at next week's ultrasound... like twins :) and a yolk sac, with fetal pole in my uterus and everything looking great and normal and maybe a heartbeat (I did ask Nurse D what they wanted to see next week and she said the chances of seeing a heartbeat was 40%. I hope I'm on the lucky side of that percentage). But it's going to be hard.

So it'll either be a really happy birthday, or a really shitty one

Because August 12 is when my first ultrasound is. And my birthday is the 14th. So... yeah. I'm kinda freaked out because they didn't run a beta today, they just checked my estrogen to see if I was good to come off the patches, and apparently I am. Good. And coming off the patches. But no beta. They said they don't run them a third time if everything looked good before. And since my number more than doubled, they're going to assume that everything is gravy.

I'm just worried.

And now it feels like a long, long time to wait. At that u/s I should be 6w0d exactly. I don't know if they're expecting to see a heartbeat or not (but I'm pretty sure they are. Well, I hope so. Or, I should say, I hope we see one then. Otherwise I think it'll be another week of waiting.) I'm also worried because I feel a very noticeable lack of symptoms this fine day. My boobs didn't hurt this morning. Still no nighttime peeing. I wasn't really hungry this morning. And... my back hurts a lot and I'm having sharp pains in my lower abdomen. So. Yeah.

Why can't this be easy? Why can't I be like 24 weeks right now? Why can't I be less whiny and scared and freaked about all of this?

I won an Award!

Woot Woot! Thanks Jackie!

So now I have to follow the rules. (copied from Jackie) The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. (I'm cheating a bit here - I'm just going to put some IF blogs I love)

Please bear with me, as I've never listed and linked to blogs before... so here goes, in no particular order!

1. Jeanna's Motherhood Journey
2. ~Baby Manatee~
3. Maybe If You Just Relax
4. my acronyms give me character
5. http://nothowiplanned.blogspot.com/
6. http://peardream.blogspot.com/
7. The Fertility Project
8. Who Says Life is Fair?
9. Bella and her Fella
10. Blog Shmog
11. Don't Stop Believin'
12. The Journey is Not The Destination
13. The roller coaster of infertility
14. A Little Star of our Own
15. Peachy
16. Your maybe not so Average Twins-After-Pregnancy-After-Infertility Blog
17. Three Cheers for Babies
18. http://babbsbabytrail.blogspot.com/
19. A Foxy Family Blog (no link because its private)

Ok, well hopefully that worked. You ladies are all lovely and I love reading your blogs.

In other news... there is none. I'm starving a lot. And getting full faster. My boobs are getting sore. I still am cramping. My back hurts. (TMI) My pee smells weird. Chocolate gives me heartburn (M made chocolate chip cookies for me and the first bite I knew I would be hit with it. And I was). I'm constantly exhausted, but sleeping like shit. (Last night I ate half a bag of Skittles (which I normally don't reach for - now love) and then laid awake for an hour, with my heart pounding trying not to think 'things', and failing miserably. I think it was a sugar rush?) Oh, yeah... and the hotness. Especially at night.

I'm still scared shitless. I ordered more PIO and Lovenox, so I kinda feel like I'm tempting fate here. Tomorrow I go in for more blood work. They're slowly 'detoxing' me from the estrogen patches (I can't think of the right phrase, but you get the idea.)

ETA: I have had a headache since last night and am starting to freak. I need some good vibes. Headaches happen, right?

Beta #2 this AM

And it's up. To 356.

I... am....

finally able to breathe today.

But still feel very super duper cautious. Like I said before, I need to see the heartbeat. I need it to be there. And then and only then will I feel ... good.

My symptoms are very few: I notice I'm drinking more water and I have slight cramping. Kinda like AF is on her way. I can also smell more strongly I think. Maybe. But no sore boobies. And nothing that really says - wow - I MUST be pregnant now.

We go back again Tuesday. For more bloodwork. Today I got big hugs and smiles from everyone, which I accepted with anxiousness and nervousness and tight, tiny little smiles back. I was glad the clinic was kinda empty otherwise I would have felt bad for the other patients there. I love those people. I go down to one patch of Vivelle on Saturday. And that's all she wrote.

Well not all. I really appreciate everyone who has thought of me during this journey. Thank you for all the good thoughts and well wishes and everything. I'll say it again: this part is the scariest part. I'm still so freaked out and scared. But all is good for now.

So Apparently my "Feelings" Are Shit

Because BFP. 126.

Not the highest, but I've had higher and miscarried. Not the lowest either, it's higher than the other miscarriage. I don't think I'll truly believe it until I see the heartbeat. This is the scariest part of this entire process.

Please send good thoughts/prayers/vibes/whatever you want that this one sticks. And thanks.

Beta This AM

I don't really know what to think. I told M before going in (as he was giving me my shot) that I felt that it was fair that he know how I was feeling, since it's not like he has a clue either way about this working, that I didn't feel like this worked. I told him, that I could be wrong, and I hoped that I was, but I just didn't feel it. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, or trying to "prepare myself" - I just don't feel it. I mean, I guess I have some symptoms, but I don't have key others like sore boos/nips and getting up to pee during the night. I know every pregnancy is different and I pray to God (and I'm not religious) that this is a pregnancy, but ... *sigh*... I guess we'll see. I haven't tested, so I really have no clue other than my "feeling" so, I'll update later when I get the news.

Big Fat Doofus

Is me. See, I forgot that I was supposed to start the Vivelle patches yesterday. Arguably the easiest of all fertility meds. They're no mess, completely painless... I mean. So. Easy. And I forgot them. Until I woke up last night after another terrible, anxiety-ridden nightmare with heartburn and hot flashes and a need to pee (I forgot those lovely "symptoms" in yesterday's post) and realized that I was supposed to start them. So I slapped those puppies on at 3:31am. And then fretted and couldn't go back to sleep. And once I did, had another nightmare. Am preparing myself and trying not to stress, but lying wide awake last night in bed, trying not to think about it... well, let's just say last night was not a pleasant one. At least the patches are supposed to help with the hot flashes, so maybe tonight I'll sleep better.

Nothing Doing

So, let's see... not much going on here! Still! I know, so boring. Why blog about nothing? I've been taking it easy, trying not to do anything to elevate my heart rate, still doing shots twice a day... I've been crampy. And that's about it. I don't notice that I get tired early - of course since I sleep from 10-10:30 to 9-9:30 there really is no reason to get tired, but it's one of the pregnancy symptoms I look for. I feel pretty hot a lot it seems (not that this means anything), and my boobs do NOT (I repeat DO NOT) hurt. They are not sore. So, I don't really know what to think, to be honest. I'm trying not to think anything. What will be will be. I can't control what will happen. *Rinse and repeat**Rinse and repeat*... No stressing allowed.

Freeze Report

Only two made it to freeze. Again, I know how lucky we are to have any to freeze, but considering there were so many, I'm kinda sad so many didn't make it. Nothing much to report here. I've extended my bed rest until M gets home from work. I figure it couldn't hurt anything.

The PIO shots seem to have gotten better. I've been icing down the area first, and the burn doesn't seem to last very long, which I'm thankful for. The Lovenox though - damn! That burns. And burns for like 30 minutes after the injection. At least the Menopur only burned for a minute or two. But, no complaints, really.

Hmm... guess that's it! It's pretty boring around here. I guess I won't really have any news until my beta next Wednesday. Whew! I have to say - one advantage to IVF and a 5dt is that the 2ww is really short! I only have one week left!

Transfer was Yesterday

So, technically, I'm pregnant! With two embryos!

We got the grades on our transfer - 4AA and 4AA! As Dr. M said there were two superstars in the bunch, so we transferred those.

So what do you think? A boy and a girl? Both boys? Both girls? These two are currently residing in my lovely ute, hopefully snuggling in for the long haul. We're still waiting to hear how many will make it to freeze. We know that two will definitely be going (4BB's) but there are 5 others that could also make it. We'll see. At this point, I'm just thrilled with the two and know I'm lucky to have that many.

Below is a picture of my uterus, and circled in green are the superstars and an air bubble. Woohoo! My uterus is on the Internet! The green arrow is pointing to my very full bladder, for which there is a very embarrassing story to go along with.

Embarrassing Bladder Story: So we do the transfer. It's easy as pie. My cervix is a cooperating rockstar. I feel no pain except the very pressing need to pee. Which is normal - they do that on purpose. So I drank all the water I'm supposed to. My appointment is at 1:15. We don't get seen until 1:40. Um... they realize I'm sitting here with a full bladder, no? But, I survive and hold it. We got talk to Dr. M. I get changed and we get all set up. Transfer, yay! Then they catheterize me. To relieve my bladder. Let me tell you, this is not the same comfort as peeing (although the catheter part itself - not as painful as I'd anticipated). The act of peeing - well, its just better. But, soon enough, my bladder empties and they leave me and M in there - I'm supposed to chill horizontally for an hour. Well, when I drink a bunch of water like that, before long, I have to pee again. So, before I know it, I'm sitting there with a full bladder - again. But can't get up. So they bring me a bed pan. It's not an old fashioned kind - it's a smaller kind. She positions it and tells me to let loose. So I do. I pee. And pee. And pee. And feel so. much. better. 5 minutes later, I'm peeing again! Man, water just goes through me. So she comes to take it away. And I realize, that I have peed all over myself. There is pee up my back, soaking my shirt. I have no idea what happened. Did the bed pan malfunction? Was it not situated correctly? Was it overflowing? I don't know but do know that I walked out of there with a hospital gown and my pants on. I think people think I was escaping or something.

So that's the story of my transfer. I go in for a blood test Wednesday the 29th to see what has happened. I have to admit, now that they're in me, I feel all responsible. Before, someone else was taking care of them and making sure that nothing horrible happened, but now its all me and my bed resting self, who is supposed to be at a 45 degree angle. Not 90. No strain on the ute. Maybe it needs another Valium?

Embie Update

We have some bona fide rock stars on our hands! All 16 of our embryos are still growing. All of them, to which I say: Wahoo!! It totally made what would have been a sad day. So now we officially have a 5 day transfer on Monday.

Today I spent the day with my mom and sister wedding dress shopping. After nearly 12 hours, we finished and I came back home. A got a dress. My mom and I got dresses. This might be one of the most dressy wedding the Justice of the Peace has seen. M was surprised because he thought he'd be able to wear jeans. Ha! A's dress really is very pretty though and I know she'll make a beautiful bride when she gets married on the 27th.

Keeping busy really helped keep my mind off the sad landmark that today should have been: the estimated delivery date for my second pregnancy. I want to note and acknowledge that here because its important that I remember these dates and remember what I lost and the journey I've traveled. I can only hope that the losses we've suffered have brought us closer to our live baby, who I hope to meet soon.

First PIO shot

and let me say what no one else has... Ow, ow, fuckity ow! M gave it to me before he headed off to work and I thought I'd be able to go right back to sleep. Well, no. I'm here instead with heating pad on my ass/hip trying to make the injection site stop hurting. It just kinda burns. And I've tried really massaging it in. I've tried the heating pad thing (well am in the process of, but it doesn't seem to be helping a lot). So what do I do now? I'm so NOT looking forward to tomorrow morning and the next 8 weeks of mornings.

Also, I want to send some loooove to our 16 embryos - I hope you guys are growing big and strong and fast for us! As M said this morning, we're doing everything we can to give you a nice home; please stay with us a while.

Fert Report In!

So I feel better today. Not anywhere near 100%, but better. Like standing up and sitting back down aren't a big accomplishment accompanied with grunts and moans that take a couple of minutes. I got up to pee like 5 times last night. I hope that means the fluid intake is where it should be. Also, peeing? Better too. I'm still feeling a lot of pressure, but for the most part the pain is manageable. And I've shunned the heating pad because its like 105 degrees out there today and I'm already hot just from taking the dog out.

I got my phone call this morning on how many embies we have. Out of the 32 eggs retrieved, 26 were mature. Which is great. Fantastic! But, I have to admit, I was a little sad about those 6 eggs that weren't fully mature. I feel like they didn't have a chance to be all they could be. But! 26! No feeling sorry about that at all! That's an amazing number. I'm SO thankful so many were mature. Out of the 26 that were mature though, only 16 fertilized normally. Which - again - I'm thrilled about the number! That's a huge number and I know how lucky I am and I'm extremely thankful my body at least did this right. But at the same time, I'm a little sad about the 10 that were busts. But, this is the great thing about IVF - I'd rather these 10 go bust now than be doing an IUI where the 3 eggs released potentially all go bust/fertilize incorrectly and I end up miscarrying again. And, it's not like we don't have an awesome amount of embryos now that are growing for us. I really, really hope they all grow normally and we have a lot to freeze.

We have a Saturday appointment in case we do a 3 day transfer (and I found out the difference between a 3 day and a 5 day (according to Nurse D): a 3 day transfer happens when there aren't a lot of embryos to choose from. If there are a lot, they wait the two days to see which show themselves to be the best and the worst and then transfer the best back.) Nurse D said she was 95% sure that we would go to Monday, so I hope that's the case. She's been mostly right about a lot of things, so I hope this one goes in her favor.

So that's about all. I've been sleeping my ass off, chilling on the couch and reading and watching TV... I need to go catch up with everyone on my favorite board. Thanks to everyone who is thinking of us and our little embies! I'll keep you posted when I get news...

32

Eggs. Retrieved.



Holy fraking hell. I really thought I was just way over-hoping when I said I wanted 30. I figured I would be a good candidate to get a lot what with the PCOS. But wowza. I know that 32 is an amazing number and I'm incredibly lucky to get so many. I just hope a good number of them are mature, because Dr. M. didn't know after the procedure.



And also? Holy fucking hell. The pain. Oh my god. I woke up with a heating pad on me. Which, thank god. And then I cried like a big baby. I just wasn't really expecting it. At all. I didn't read or hear of anyone having shitloads of pain. I've been guzzling Tylenol (that's an exaggeration, but I've been taking it all day, as prescribed) and laying around with a heating pad. It's just incapacitating. I really hope tomorrow is better because my god. Just moving around hurts. And peeing hurts. And standing up. And sitting down. I think, when I don't move my body much at all, that feels best. I wonder if # of eggs retrieved has a correlation to pain? Will update tomorrow on how many embryos fertilized and are growing...