This Weekend

Whew. This weekend was crazy. Friday we went and saw Indiana Jones 4; which was ok - not fabulous, but ok. My expectations were pretty low, so I wasn't too disappointed. I took my trigger shot at 9:30pm. The needle was bigger than the Gonal-f pen, which freaked me out, because it was harder to give myself the shot then. I really had to jab it.

Saturday we woke up early-ish to go to the Family Reunion deal out in New Waverly. We got there right around noon and stayed until about 3:30. We didn't get home until almost 5 and then Marc had to work so he could take Tuesday off. So I watched TV, did laundry and cleaned the house up for the maid to come on Monday.

Sunday, we woke up early and dropped Marc's "collection" off at the doctor at 8:30. We then went out and had breakfast and went back an hour later. Well, it turns out we could have taken our time with breakfast, because we ended up waiting an hour for them to call us. The office's AC was broken too, and I swear it was close to 90 degrees in that waiting room! It was horrible! We finally got to go back and then the IUI was done! It was pretty painless - more uncomfortable than anything else. I was slightly concerned because that morning I took an OPK test and it was negative. But, later that day, once we got into San Antonio, I started feeling cramps and pains around my ovaries, so I'm pretty sure I ovulated. I didn't bring any OPK test to check though. Marc and I were able to complete our "homework" that night and Monday morning, so I think we have a pretty good chance. The nurse said my CM (cervical mucus) was nice and looked like I was ovulating, and that made me feel better.

So now we're onto the dreaded two week wait. I wish Big Brother was on so I could have something else to distract myself with, other than the nest and thinking about if I'm "getting pregnant". My abdominal area feels bloated today. I will go back to the doctor's Monday, June 9. Seriously, it feels forever away. I'll be able to start testing that Saturday. By then I'll be 12 days past, and should get a pretty good idea. Wish me luck!

I wanted to take today off of work like Marc, but never heard back from my boss when I asked. He said he texted me back, but I never got it. I'm very curious about whether he actually did or not.

News Updated

So I talked to the nurse. My estrogen levels were at 194, which is ok. They want me to do Gonal again tonight and then come in tomorrow to see if they can tell me to trigger Friday night or Saturday - whee! I'm so excited. I'm going to do the shot as soon as I get home tonight instead of waiting like I normally do, so it has a chance to really do its work. I can't believe I'm so close to having this actually happen. This also pretty much shoots our SA trip to hell... if we trigger Fri/Sat then the IUI would be Sun/Mon. Not fun for anyone - that would mean the nurses would have to come in on their day off, which would totally suck for them. But if that's what has to happen, I'm all for it! We'll see after tomorrow!

News

So I'm back from the doctor, where it looks like things are going... ok. Not great. But ok. My lining is nice and thick, and I have some growth. On the right, the largest follicle is 14.4. The left one has the largest coming in at 8.8. The left is disappointing, but at least I know the medicine is working. I'm going to continue with the Gonal-f for a couple more days (I think - when they call with my estrogen levels, they'll tell me for sure) and then possibly go in on Saturday. Which works out perfectly, except that we won't know what the plan is until then, so going to San Antonio and the length of time we stay is all up in the air. I think we'll definitely go to SA though and, if need be, schedule a Monday appointment later in the day so we can spend two nights there.
I was hoping my follicles would have grown nice and big and that I'd have more than one viable follicle, but as they say, you only need one... blah blah blah... meh. This is a good learning experience for next time though. Hopefully I'll be on a slightly higher dosage, with no Clomid (I don't think it does anything). Of course, this is assuming this won't all work out. At least we aren't cancelled!

Injections, Round Two

So, I last night went well, with the injection and what not. I was all professional and "I know what I'm doing now". I really kicked it's ass! I wasn't a baby, there was no messing around and only the smallest hesitation before the actual prick (because really, should it ever feel normal to stab yourself?) I was so proud!

Until now. Now and all day, really. I have realized that the injection has been kicking MY ass, all day long. I have a horrendous headache, I'm still all bloaty and now I'm gassy and have slight heartburn. I also cannot go 5 minutes without yawning. I am exhausted. Completely wiped. I know this can't compare to the tired-ness of pregnancy and the no-sleep thrills I will hopefully one day have, thanks to a sleepless baby, but man. Right here, right now? This thing is kicking my ass. I'm SO glad I only have one more day of these (well, so far, anyway). I really really hope they are working. Update tomorrow after u/s and b/w. I'm wearing my hair down, but haven't decided on the rest of the outfit.

The Un-Natural-ness of It

So last night Marc and I almost passed out. Seriously. I went shopping after work. Bought cute socks. Picked up dinner. Ate dinner. And between the meal and the Frosty... was the injection. I did not know how big a deal this would be for me. And I learned, oh yes I learned. I know I do not "do well" with needles - especially shots. I figure, a needle that takes something out of me is a lot less painful than a needle putting something into me, so generally blood draws are nothing! Shots are different. I don't know if it's the sting of the medicine when it goes in or what, but I do not do well with needles.

So the injection lasted a lot longer than intended. I paced. I sat. I looked at the needle. I put it up to my stomach about a hundred times and thought "There is NO WAY I am going to be able to do this." It was just so unnatural. Marc about passed out just looking at the needle, but valiantly offered to give me the shot. He said he would probably pass out afterwards though. I told him, that was ok. I then had a thought - a stroke of pure genius. ICE. I'll numb the area. How stupid am I? So I numbed it and stabbed myself. It was a very weird feeling. Very. Weird. But it didn't hurt at all.

I then had a panic attack of if I managed to get the medicine in me correctly. Did it work? How do I know? I called the pharmacy and couldn't get anyone, so then called Fertility Lifeline who assured me that if I heard two clicks, I did it right.

Let me just get on my soap box real quick... ok. WHAT THE FUCK??? These pens are stupid. I hate them. I would much rather see the medicine in the needle, watch it go away as I inject myself and know that I actually gave myself medicine! You can't tell if you did it right or not! You can't tell if you did it at all! And if you make a mistake and set it to an amount that is too high - well guess what? You just wasted all that medicine. Medicine that IS NOT CHEAP. Just give me a damn needle and a freaking vial. Seriously. The pens suck. They suck ass. I'm so irritated about the whole thing.

Tonight I have the joy of a repeat performance. I watched a couple on YouTube and saw how the gray plunger thingie moves, so I'll have to watch for that.

Update from the Doctor

So I went in today for my CD8 b/w and u/s. I have taken Clomid CD 3-7. My results were:

Lining: 5.5mm
Right Ovary: She saw like 36 follicles with the largest being 10.7mm and no others even close to that
Left Ovary: she saw a lot of follicles; largest being 6.4mm and all others smaller
Estrogen: 80

Now, I will start the Gonal-F and continue it to Wednesday (instead of Tuesday) and have a follow up appointment on Thursday. I'm guessing because of my low follicle size and the # of follicles at that size, they're going to keep me on injectibles longer. Here's hoping that this medication will actually work to make my one large one grow and hopefully get another one up there! I hope I don't end up with 36 10mm follicles or little to no growth on the big one.

I have to say, I'm already a little disappointed at what my body is doing. I think this is worse than last time. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, what with my body's normal lack of response to Clomid. This is where the injectibles come in - to give me and my broken ovaries a boost! A much needed boost, as it appears.

I'm anxious about the shot tonight and am super anxious about the followup appointment Thursday. I'm also stupidly superstitious, so I'm already trying to decide if my wearing my hair up led to the somewhat disappointing appointment today and wondering what I should wear Thursday, because IT WILL MATTER. Like I said - stupid. stupidstupidstupid. But I can't help the way I think!

La De Da

Pretty much describes my mood, even with waking up pretty grouchy.

Could have something to do with the new purse that is heading my way... (please be as totally super cute in real life as you are on my monitor!)

Could have something to do with the fact that I pretty much blew off a good 1-1.5 hours with my boss/friend just gabbing this morning...

Could have something to do with the fact that we have a pretty busy weekend ahead of us, which is usually pretty fun...

OR it could be the fact that I got my injectibles in! They came into my work and are all official and serious looking the package that says "personal and confidential" and "refrigerate upon arrival". The nosy receptionist asked about them, to which I proudly said: It's medicine! She was sorry she asked.

I told another person about our IF yesterday. It just feels good to talk about it. She sits in the cube right next to mine, so I know she can pretty much overhear all the talk about stuff when I call the RE and notices when I come in late due to "Dr's Appts" all the time. She had a friend go through IF, so she understands a lot of it (as much as she can - she's in her 30's, not close to being married and kinda thinks that if kids are in her future, she might have to go down this path). She's incredibly sweet and I know she'll be supportive and nice about the whole thing, so it's a good thing.

I definitely feel a lot more open about everything, after telling Marc's mom about it. We aren't sure we are going to be able to go down to San Antonio next weekend and didn't want to just leave her hanging, so we let them know. I think we'll slowly start letting more people know. We're getting more comfortable with everything ourselves, which makes us more comfortable in talking about it to other people.

I'm just happy I'm in an overall good mood. I think this weekend, if I get the opportunity, I'll drink, but not too much, and then abstain until I know what's going on - if the cycle goes forward I'll wait until I know whether it worked. I know some people are very strict with their alcohol intake and have completely cut themselves off (more power to them), but I don't feel like that is necessary, and my doctor has not put those restrictions on me. So I'll wait and try to have a relaxing weekend. The sooner the weekend is over, the sooner next week gets here and we'll know more and hopefully be able to have something happen! Like an IUI!

New Plan! New Plan!

So, as I mentioned yesterday, I was NOT too excited to begin this cycle. I knew the Clomid wouldn't really work, since I have not responded well from it in the past. So! This morning! I had the rule-out-cysts ultrasound which basically is an ultrasound to make sure I don't have any cysts on my ovaries (because then they wouldn't give me any Clomid and the cycle would be cancelled (I think - if I had one I was going to ask about alternatives)) but I didn't have any cysts! Yay for that! First victory-o-the-day!

So then, in talking to the ultrasound technician, we talked about my last cancelled cycle and how Dr. C (not my doctor) had talked to me about moving straight onto IVF and how I knew I would definitely NOT do that, as I believe every body is different and I would like to try to injectibles to see how I respond to that first. And she mentioned doing a COMBINATION cycle of Clomid and injectibles! It's more aggressive, but the doctor gave the ok and after talking to the tech, she said she thought it would give me a nice little "boost" to the Clomid, so I was SOLD! And it's a nice intermediary step from just Clomid/IUI to injectibles/IUI. Apparently, the clinic hasn't done a lot of these and the process is pretty new, but I'm going to do it! It cost a little more money, but since we had a credit from the last cycle, it got applied to that.

I'm so excited about this cycle now. I couldn't believe it when she said the doctor gave his ok. I'm still on a monitored cycle, but the clinic is ordering my meds which I'll have shipped to my work and then my next appointment will be Monday, the 19th. I'll be taking Clomid CD 3-7 instead of 5-9 and I won't be getting 150mg like I was going to, they're going to give me 100mg, like last time. I'll do the injectibles CD 8-9 and then go back on CD 10. All my appointments will now also be accompanied with a blood draw to check estrogen levels.

So now, I'm just hoping my body does what it's supposed to with all of the new medications. I'm so excited about a new process and that I was listened to about my pessimism about the Clomid and my body's response to it.

Cramps

Man. Am I glad to have started. Right on schedule too (see - that's ironic because I'm not really ever on schedule... I have to take meds to make me start) I did accurately guess about when I would start though, so it's humorous to me that I actually started. Tomorrow is my Rule-out-cysts ultrasound appointment, so we'll see where I stand there, then. I'm nervous because last time I had a medium-ish cyst on one ovary, that, thankfully wasn't large enough to keep me from going forward, but was there, nevertheless. So hopefully, I'm cyst free tomorrow. And hopefully, the Clomid will work. To be honest, I'm not really expecting much from this cycle. I don't think the Clomid will work and I don't think I'll have good sized follicles and I do think the Clomid will affect the thickness of my uterine lining, which is just another way this cycle could be cancelled. I'm definitely one bitten, twice shy about all of this and am trying not to be too nervous, anxious or pessimistic (can you tell by the rambling?) but am. We'll see how tomorrow goes. It might be cancelled right then and there! And then I'll have a whole month and a half of wait time to start again. Fun. And I won't have Big Brother to distract me from the Nest boards and all the "babyness" of the web.

Anyway, this weekend was fun - we didn't really do much. Friday was a blast - we had a company fun day where we played Laser Tag, bowling and arcade games at The Main Event. We also got treated to a nice lunch and I didn't have to work too much at all! It was a great way to completely wear myself out physically (instead of mentally) and made me completely forget about work and all the BS.

On that note, I have updated my resume! And posted it online! We'll see what kind of response I get, now that I have learn-ed skillz in marketing.

The Attitude of Meh

Am lazy. And super bizzy, if working until after six (SIX) every night this week (till 6:45 Tuesday night) counts as being busy. Which, to me - it so does.

Am tired also. Almost forgot to take my Provera last night and then did and slept like the dead. I had a dream about a guy named David. I don't remember much except when I woke up and thought - well if I'm dreaming about men who want me and not babies, maybe this means something. And then immediately thought - will not tell Marc about Dream David. Cuz, can you say awkward? I don't want to know and therefore will assume he doesn't either.

And new topic! Actually no new topic, because as I pointed out: Am lazy.

The end

Blog? What Bl... oh. Yeah.

So yes, I'm alive, dear blog-o-mine. I know what you' thinking - that now, I'm all of a sudden too good for you. I go off to New Orleans and have a fabulous time and then come back and don't post and completely forget about you. But! NO! I'm not! I'm back! Here! Writing! See me tap-tap-tapping on the little keys? So, from where I left off *ahem* two weeks ago, we left for NO on Thursday morning. I was pretty busy at work just trying to get everything finished in time for the big trip. We had a great time in NO, doing all sorts of awesome touristy things, like eating and drinking and walking and a leetle bit of shopping (no, seriously - I didn't buy a whole lot). But the eating and drinking - yeah. There was lots of that.

Thursday we get in and go to our hotel to unload - we find out we've been given rooms that join together and that have balconies overlooking Bourbon St - awesome! We take a few minutes of down time and then head out for lunch. We stopped at Pat O'Briens for a later morning hurricane and proceeded to Port of Call where we had a Monsoon and great burgers. We then went to Razoo's where we stayed for most of the day. I danced and drank and drank and drank. We were in pretty early (after a stop at Mango's for pizza - I think) at around 11pm, but after a long day of partying and only getting 4 hours of sleep the night before - I was DONE. Unfortunately, our room overlooked Bourbon St. So sleep, the entire weekend was something I desired a lot more of.

Friday we ate at some cafe (breakfast was meh). We walked around Jackson Square, went down to the Canal St shops, ate lunch at Drago's, stopped at Harrah's and just took it easy. That night we went out and there was bull riding and more Mango's Pizza.

Saturday we were toast. I was so sore from Thursday (seriously - I don't understand how your body can ache so badly - I felt as though I'd been beat up) that after Friday, I didn't want to move. We went down to the Garden District to sight see and took a trolley back to our hotel. Amy was pretty sick that day, so she stayed back, except when it was time to eat! We went to the Acme Oyster House - which was fabulous. I have a new love for etouffee. I need to find me a place in Houston that has good etouffee because man - that stuff rocked. We flew back early Sunday morning and immediately had to clean the house for a showing (that was brutal) that ended up being cancelled (even worse). We ate lunch and went over to my folks' for my dad's and brother's birthdays. That was fun although I was exhausted. I think I ghost walked through work on Monday and Tuesday.

Marc had to leave to go to Tucson Tuesday afternoon. His grandfather died Wednesday night in his sleep. He just got back into town this Saturday and was glad to be home! I wish I could have gone to Tucson to be with Marc, Amy and the family, but couldn't take all that time off so soon after being gone. I should have left. I feel guilty about that and felt left out and pretty lonely the entire time Marc was gone. I know there's nothing I could have done for Marc, except be there. But I wish I had gone for a day or two.

So that leads us to today. The weekend was nice and relaxing. We went to Alex and Jen's Saturday after Marc got back into town, which was nice because we hadn't been there in a while. Sunday we caught up on TV we'd missed, went to the grocery store and just relaxed.

Today happens to be my CD 35. I POAS and got a negative, so I'm calling the RE's to get my prescription for Provera and we get to start this all over again, except with a higher dosage of Clomid. Hopefully this will work! I really do not want to end up having IVF. So, here's to this cycle!

Sleeeeeeep

I slept a lot this weekend. A LOT. Marc, Amy and I went out to The Old Brick Tavern last Friday and got our drink on. Man, did we drink a lot. I was hungover something fierce Saturday getting ready for the open house - which turned out pretty well - yay! We had several groups of people come by while we went out to eat and dropped our taxes off at the post office and drove around some. Marc and I both were horribly afraid that no one would show, but we got good comments on everything except the "problem" area we knew we 'd get comments about - the carpet. But, it went pretty well! I then came home and took what I thought was a short nap, that ended up being a 4 and a half hour nap. I didn't wake up again until 8:00!! I then was awake until around 1am then went to bed and slept until 9:30-10:00! That's a hell of a lot of sleep. So it didn't really feel like I did anything this weekend. I was in a pretty bad mood, too. I don't know why, but I was just in this funk I couldn't seem to break out of. Ugh. I still feel a little blah today, but not so bad. Poor Marc.

Ready, Set, Not

So this week has been horrible already. I went to the doctor on Monday for a checkup to see how my follicles were growing. They aren't. So the cycle was cancelled.

From what they said, no growth of follicles means that the likelihood of ovulation is very slim. I'm totally bummed out. Depressed. This sucks. It's so frustrating to be so close to having something actually happen. But instead we're stuck in a waiting pattern. Only my pattern is forever long - 5 weeks (May 12) is my estimate to start my cycle again. Looking at my calendar and realizing that if I were normal my period would most likely start after day 28 - April 21 - sucks.

The plan:
- Day 35 (I'm at CD16 today...) with a negative HPT, call in for a prescription of Provera
- 10 days on Provera
- ~4 days until my period actually starts (this would be the middle of May now)
- Go in for cyst-checking u/s CD 2-4; if we're good, then
- 150mg Clomid on CD 5-9
- u/s ~CD 10
- u/s ~CD 14 (this is where I was on Monday and 7 weeks from now)

So 7 weeks until my new cycle day 14... where I left off. Bleh. If that doesn't work, we have been advised that IVF would be the best option for me, PCOS girl. We have been thinking that IVF would be the last possible resort, and never thought that it would ever get that far. So now the possibility of selling our house while TTC and possibly spending tens of thousands of dollars doing so... It's worrisome that we will go into debt, or have to get a cheaper house because we will have gone through our down payment money.

This is supposed to be the cheap, hell - the FREE part of having a kid! No birth control pills, no condoms, etc - hah!

I'm pretty sure that if the higher dosage of Clomid doesn't work out, we're going to try injectibles (FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injectibles/stims -they go by many names). The RE says that girls with PCOS aren't a good candidate for injectibles because we have so MANY follicles, that injectibles would cause all of them to possibly release an egg, which could lead to high # multiples - which is not something we want - if they even let the cycle continue; they would most likely cancel the cycle due to over-stimulation of the follicles. But, in my thinking, there is no guarantee that that would happen (every body is different) and since it's a fuck load cheaper than IVF, I'm thinking we're going to try that if this cycle doesn't pan out and see.

Mun-day

So it is Monday again. I feel like we just did this! So - WTF? This weekend was a blur... of nothingness. We left the house once to eat. All weekend. Including Friday night. We are such winners. Guess how many episodes of X-files I watched? A LOT. This afternoon I have my doctor's appointment, where we'll see how big my follies are! Excitement! I had to let The Tool (I am starting to feel bad about that nickname... he hasn't done anything truly toolish in a while, so I'm thinking of renaming him here... ahem - where was I? oh right...) know about the doctor's appointment today and the possible upcoming appointments this week. Here is a snapshot of that wonderful, not awkward-at-all conversation:

ME: I have a doctor's appointment today, and I will most likely have one or two more this week. TOOL: looks at me like – wow
ME: explains that I am getting a procedure done and that all these appointments were pre-procedure appointments to make sure my body is working the way it is supposed to for the actual procedure, which may happen on Saturday. Or not. And that if he needed me to, I had no problem getting a doctor’s note.
TOOL: Um, ok.

I think I over-shared, but hopefully, without sharing too much. (did that even make sense?)

Fri-Day!

Yay! Slightly busy here... and very worried that I may be moved... which would suck. Right now my cube faces the lovely 6-10 loop here in Houston, from the 15th floor. I can see the Astrodome (far away) and all the trees in between. But they're talking about moving people and since I pretty much lucked into getting this cube (in between people) I have a feeling they're going to give it to a new person, who would be 'higher up'. I would be pretty fucking pissed if they did that though. So I guess we'll see. I'm not super happy with my job right now anyway, hopefully as soon as I get knocked up and get my maternity leave, I can find another job. shhhhh We're going to keep that on the dl.

I'm very happy that the weekend is almost here - next week should be the IUI... then the dreaded 2ww. Or 3ww to 4ww, since I am so irregular and probably won't get my period on time and will probably have to take medicine to start it up again, which they wouldn't want me to do until late in my cycle to really, absolutely make sure I wasn't pregnant. I keep thinking about the possibility of being pregnant and if it will ever happen to me. It's weird... I can't imagine being pregnant (well, duh) so its hard to imagine that I ever will be.

At least I have my other babies, BK and Lebowski, the most adorable cats in the world. And my husband, of course, who is very supportive. It's funny - I can't wait to get pregnant so we can tell his mom. I just know she'll be so happy and excited. Telling her I feel would be a sure thing that she would be super excited, whereas most everyone else, I wouldn't be sure. My parents and I have an... interesting relationship, to say the least.

Goo

So today was another monitoring check up. I went in for an u/s and everything looks ok! My lining and follicles are still immature, but they're there and growing. My lining was at about 5.7 when she said it needed to be closer to 8 and all but one follicle was under 10mm. So... yay, I guess. I go back in on Monday afternoon for another checkup and a crotch full of goo.

Fantasy baseball has officially started and I'm off to a 2-1 start. Not too bad, if I do say so myself.

House Update: Well, there's really not much to say at this point. We've had no action. How freaking sad is that? I still have the faith, but at this point in time, it looks like I'll be pregnant (please!) before the house gets looked at. Ugh. I just really want to be able to decorate a nursery without trying to sell a house, too. No painting...

My sickness: So anyone who knows me knows I love to shop, but will never pay full price - for anything (except on very rare occasions; this applies to clothes, by the way). I love the feeling of getting a deal and I hate knowing that I will have spent a crap load of money on some thing someone else, a month or two from now will get cheaper. So I wait. Which is good! Until I find sales. Then my husband gets mad. Because then I spend. I try to talk myself out of things that I know I do not need (which could qualify as everything, because let's face it - I'm not exactly wearing rags). But its very hard to pass up on pants or shirts that are on sale for a really good price.

In the past, I splurged. I racked up major credit card debt. Oh, I was so, so stupid. I paid full price for everything and had credit cards to so many places... I think I had like 12 credit cards. All pretty much maxed out. But! I had a closet full of beautiful clothes. Clothes I look at and still adore. If only I could get into them. See, I've gained weight. Like fifty pounds. I gained weight and I'm lazy and I love sugar and eats lots of food and candy, thus explaining the 50 pounds (and growing!). Good thing I'm tall, or I'd look a hell of a lot worse then I currently do. The 50, by the way has gone on slowly - I would say since early college, lets say 2000 or 2001.

Nevertheless, I cannot wear my great, full price, expensive clothes. And I refuse to throw them out, because they were so expensive (to me) and I dream that one day... one day, something will happen... like I'll suddenly become thin... and then, then I'll be able to wear my beautiful clothes... and I'll be so thankful that I have these clothes...

I buy new clothes at discounted prices, knowing I could very well get much fatter and wanting to be able to throw something out without the pain of knowing it was expensive. And, I still shop, even though I'm trying to get pregnant. Funny, huh. Hopefully my new clothes won't fit for much longer. Hopefully they'll fit again...

So that is my sickness. The sickness my husband can't understand. And wow! there is no way I'm going to be able to try to tie that in with what I started this post with. So I'll end it the word goo, so I can pretend it all makes sense. goo

Kinda confused

So I'm still new to this whole IF thang... and I guess I'm somewhat confused as to everything that's out there. I know my doctor/nurse will make sure I am where I'm supposed to be and make sure I am given the right treatments and what not. I guess I just feel kinda stupid when reading about other people's IF issues. Anyway. So my blood work came back from last Thursday and it looks like I'm good! My progesterone was at 54. I was told that was normal. Whatever that means. I'm trying to fond a detailed, easy to understand website that explains all of this stuff. Why are they monitoring my progesterone on my CD3? I know they'll do it again this Thursday also. I'm having another US to see where I'm at after the Clomid - I guess this is where they'll be looking at follicles? Hopefully everything will work out and we'll be good to go. My other huge worry is not knowing when I'm going to ovulate, if I do and how I can tell (since that's my problem - I don't). I know OPK tests are supposed to work but the last ones I used told me I did, when I didn't. WTF? The nurse had me buy a different brand, so hopefully there won't be any more confusion.

Tired

Good grief am I tired. This weekend was a lot of fun. Mike came and stayed with us and we had the ALB draft. I made food and am generally baseballed out. I am a part of three fantasy teams... ugh. I may not be a very good owner this year. I don't know how into it I'm going to be. Oh well. Considering I kicked some of the ALB guys' asses last year on Yahoo, I bet they'd be pretty happy about it all. I was going to post something yesterday, just to try and get out of the Tues/Thurs only habit, but was tired and didn't feel like it. Didn't feel like typing a lot. I wonder if this is the Clomid that's making me feel this way; I'm on a higher dosage. I still don't think its working though. I don't have any of the typical side effects, except night sweats (like last night). I'm not hormonal, I'm not cranky or PMS-y or anything. I really think that if the Clomid works, my body will act differently. Today is day 8, which is Clomid day 4. So I'm almost done with that round and, hopefully that means I'll be done with that for forever! I've been thinking a lot about getting pregnant and how much I want to and the fact that I don't share that with very many people. I want to have a baby. It still makes me feel funny to say that. When talking about it with Marc, I still use "kid" instead of baby sometimes. It's hard for me to admit it, like it's a weakness I have. My family doesn't know (not that I'm super close with them anyway), Marc's family doesn't know and I don't think I want them to. I would rather let them in on it in the future when I am pregnant or have had a baby. And I don't want to be that person who everyone pities. I don't want people asking me about it. I don't want to be the person that someone knows that is going through this that they tell other people about. You know, the "I have a friend who struggles with infertility" every time they are in a conversation about infertility or babies.

Yesterday I had lunch with Sarah and a former co-worker/~friend and her baby. She was just the cutest thing in the world. I got to hold her for a little bit and she was awesome. She was 7 months old and just happy and sweet. I feel really good about this upcoming IUI and really hope this works out for the good.

So the rest of the weekend was also fun. After the draft, I met up with my girlfriends and celebrated a co-worker's birthday at Howl at the Moon. It was crazy. I got there late and everyone was just trashed. Someone got kicked out! (I won't say who) So, after that mess, I called Amy to see what she was doing and met up with her and Ponch at a bar near where I was. It was fun. We hung out and I didn't say anything about how upset we were about the upcoming trip (yay me!). I've decided that she is family. And that I need to move past this thing and just be more careful in the future about what we say. But that I can't hold it against her without even telling her about it. So, I'm trying to get past it and hanging out with them on Saturday was a good first step to that. Marc and Mike went over to hang out with the guys that night and got home much earlier than I did. We all went to breakfast and Mike left and Marc and I ran some errands but basically had a hangover/do nothing day. It was pretty nice. Now if I can just get over this extreme exhaustion. I even drank a coffee drink to help wake me up to no avail. Yawn. I am so not a morning person.

Monitored Cycle

My monitored cycle starts now! Yay! I'm so excited to finally get this show on the road! I went in today for my day 3 ultrasound (yes, I officially started my period. After 52 days and medication). So today's appointment was to test to see if I had cysts on my ovaries. As it was explained to me, the presence of large cysts would have indicated a higher than desired level of estrogen. The tech said that anything over 15mm would be too large and they would not start me on Clomid. I didn't ask what would happen then, because I honestly didn't think that would apply to me. Well, I was pretty close... I have a cyst on my right ovary that measured 10 mm. Fortunately, I sailed through. My uterus was also in good shape - thin. I also got blood drawn to check some other hormone (???) and left $1,000 poorer, without a vial of blood, with 'jelly' leftover from the ultrasound (did I mention it was vaginal? Oh yeah. On my period and got to have a vaginal ultrasound. Good thing my period is light this month. Those poor techs... I mean really. Ew.), a lovely prescription for 100mg of Clomid and an appointment for next week. YAY! Moving forward! I also got instructions about which kind of OPK tests to buy (hint: not the kind I currently own). Overall a pretty good visit, and I still beat The Tool to work. I stupidly left a voice mail for him because I thought I wouldn't beat him. Dang! So now he knows that I was late. And *chuckle* he doesn't know about all the baby stuff, but thinks I'm really sick or something to have all these doctor's appointments where they keep drawing blood. Heehee. I've assured him that was not the case, but he still seems worried. I guess that's nice of him. Whatever.

This weekend is the draft, for which I am now participating, instead of watching. I haven't really prepared my list. I'm too busy preparing to have Mike come and stay with us! I'm going to the grocery store and trying to pre-make stuff for breakfast and lunch during the draft. I was also invited to a birthday party Saturday night which should be lots of fun, but doing that would interrupt hanging out with Mike and talking about the draft. Ugh... I don't know what to do. I've committed to both, but don't feel like doing the birthday thing. I guess we'll see what I feel like and bail on someone. Or maybe just go to the birthday thing later than I anticipated. Fun weekend ahead! I just hope the Clomid doesn't make me into too much of a crazy hormonal bitch. :)

Assholios

Defined by: Making an appointment to see someone's house. And not showing up. No phone call. Nothing.

We went out last night and bought flowers. Fucking flowers. We bought room smell-good thingies. We spent about $40 on this shit for assholes who didn't even bother to show up. Not to mention the cleaning. Oh, yes. The cleaning. The perfect-have-to-have-lines-from-the-vacuum-cleaner cleaning. And our hopes were so high. We were really, super excited at the prospect of people actually coming to see the house. Our first showings. And they were supposed to be back to back.

Fuckers.

Karma is a bitch.

Recovering

St. Patrick's Day! Yay! The third anniversary of our engagement! And damn am I tired. And sore. What is it about drinking that makes your body hurt so bad?

Yesterday we went to Sherlock's, the normal St. Patrick's Day hangout, and drank like fishies. I got my face painted, which I thought was the coolest fucking thing ever last night. Beware the horribly unflattering pictures.

Feel free to laugh.*yawn* We got home around midnight maybe after cabbing it home and passed the fuck out. Didn't barf, which was good, but had a horrid headache and am still hungover. Got to work before ten, which was good. Why did St. Patrick's Day have to be on a Monday??? Jesus Fucking Christ. So now - am struggling to stay awake in my chair.

Also? It sucks because everyone has Good Friday off, but not us. The Tool is out of town (yay!!!) and our boss will be working from home that day, so it'll be pretty empty around here. I wish I could take a day off. But, I don't want to use a day now. It's getting close to where if I don't get pregnant pretty soon, I'll be looking at 2009 for a due date, which means I can use up all my vacation then and carry five days over from this year. It would actually be pretty nice, but then my vacation schedule for next year will be screwed because I'll have used it all up early. Oh, well. I'm not thinking we'd be taking a lot of vacations with a newborn to one year old. Except to George's house in San Antonio.

I've also decided that I'm going to quit smoking. I've gotten to the point where I only smoke when I drink, (which is really good!) but I still need to stop completely. It will only suck when I'm drinking. I used to think that I could do it up the point of pregnancy, because I'm not going to be drinking, so I would naturally not smoke. But that's pretty stupid. I need to just not do it at all. So I figured St. Patrick's Day would be the perfect ending to that horrible vice. And I did it right - I smoked so much the thought of the smell of cigarettes makes me queasy. And they really do stink and taste like shit. Time to completely give them up. Just thinking that I smoked so much is making me sick.

Just... Whatever

The week, oh it has been a-shitty. But the house is clean. Unfortunately, no one is interested in it. Whatever. We haven't had it listed one full week yet, and already I'm in a sour mood about the whole thing. I'm sure the fact that I will be starting my period anytime soon (thanks to the wonderful medicine that is Provera! Can we say yay! for medically induced menses?) doesn't have anything to do with my attitude. Or the upset stomach, perpetual feeling of gas (and the non-passing of the gas, because, yo - I'm at work.), bloating and overall feeling of crappiness have nothing to do with it. Marc has already let me know that 'I am to remain optimistic because otherwise his pessimism will take over!' I am to "KNOW MY ROLE". I love the saying 'Know your role' - it cracks me up. Even more so when I add bitch after it. 'Know your role, bitch'. So degrading to whomever it is spoken to.

And the job. The fucking Tool I work for makes me want to slit my wrists. Today. Today! for instance. I had to write pretty much the entire two page newsletter yesterday (which, by the way, I am not the "writer". He is. We have one on contract. So, me writing the newsletter? I kinda wonder if that's the best idea. But as I constantly feel here, my opinion is not valued, and it doesn't matter what I say. Tool fucker rules. If only The Tool would tell me what he wants.) Was at work until 6:45. After my boss had left. (He works whenever he feels like it - 9-6 mostly, and I know he works overtime a lot... its just hard because he makes me feel like I can't do the same thing (make my own hours). Like when I leave before five because I got to work before 8? I feel guilty. And he makes it sound like he's keeping count of every go-home-"early" which makes me think he doesn't think I'm a team player willing to sacrifice - which I am! ERGHH.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate


does not even begin to describe.) Got to work this morning, before him. And come to find out? The article I wrote based off of a power point presentation he gave me, he has decided to re-write. How about some direction before I waste my time? Fucking Tool. And then changed the layout of something I did because he missed it. Of course, this is the same guy who makes me "meet" with him, for long, very boring periods of time because he doesn't feel caught up on what I'm doing and then proceeds to take and make phone calls throughout the entire"meeting" and make notes of previous meetings while I'm talking. Seriously. FUCKING TOOL. I hate. And it doesn't make it better that he was put between me and my old boss (ie, the person who hired me, who I knew from before this) to be my manager so he could be a manager. The Tool had to have someone to manage. I'm that poor slop. And he sucks at it. And now, my "friend" boss? She doesn't talk to me. At all. In a three person department, anything she has for me she tells him. And sometimes he forgets to tell me. But I don't know about it because I don't hear it from her. I feel like she manages me through him, because that's the "proper chain of command". FUCK. And I feel left out of things! They have meetings, without me, and then I have to hear it from him. What The FUCK? Seriously. This is how it goes. The aforementioned newsletter, for instance? I didn't find out it was being changed from a weekly to a monthly until a day after she told him. The Tool told me in a one sentence email. Now, I spend a good deal of time working on this and actually like doing it. Oh well! I was obviously not important enough to be told about it in full detail or anything.
And now, I pretty much hate the job I loved so much. And I can't exactly go looking for another job yet; I've been here less than a year. (Well, about a year). So I'll come across looking bad on my resume and to prospective employers. GREAT... And I pretty much have no love for my friend/boss. Because she allows and even feeds into this environment. So what do I do? I feel so stuck in misery. Absolute misery. If I could afford to quit, I so would.
So now I'm the bitter, complainy bitchy person. I need to get pregnant, play this thing out and then find another job. Dear god, I hope it happens fast.

Da Flippity Floppity Floop

Please excuse the above title as I was watching South Park this weekend and I now know how to say house, courtesy of Chef.



Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
Chef: Oh. Well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
Mr. Slave: [straightens up] How did you do that?
Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."


Ah... love me some South Park.



So, this weekend, what a crazy weekend it was. Movers! They came (15 minutes late, with no pre-phone call, but whatever...). They Moved! We paid them! We had so much stuff. we were originally going to share the 10x15 space my SIL and her boyfriend have, but after the truck was loaded and we saw how much there actually was, we realized that we would have to get our own space. So, we got a 10x10. And filled it up. (And, I have to note, that I totally called it - I knew there was no way we were going to get all of our shit into their storage space.) I wish I had a picture, because it was a sight to behold. And that is where all was forgiven with the late, somewhat laid back, very quiet (read: not personable, barely friendly) movers. They sure know how to pack a space.



As somewhat of a side note, we used a company called Student Movers. STUDENT Movers. I expected to have a couple of nice, college aged men move our shit. We got one younger looking dude and one old guy. He was like 60 or something. Seriously. I felt bad about all the heavy boxes of books I have and I felt extremely lazy watching an old guy move our shit.



So we got in the storage unit and back home where we made it as pretty as we possibly could. Amy took pictures and we have a MLS number and our house is listed, and our pictures are up and it all looks fabulous! So, SO impressed at how quickly this has all come about. Amy did a fabulous job getting the house listed and with the picture taking and whatnot. If anyone is looking for a townhouse, we've got one for sale!


This morning it was pretty easy to leave the house as it was, all perfect and show ready, after all the picture taking, but it will definitely be a test of our determination and discipline to keep the house looking show ready. This weekend was the first time I actually felt like, ok - we're really doing this! Marc said he's had that feeling for a while now. It felt much more real to me with half our furniture gone (although by looking at the pictures, it doesn't look super empty). So bring on the buyers!!

As a note about the other thing (the baby making thing) and also as an overshare: I have not started my period yet. This is cycle day 37 for me (thirty-seven). I POAS yesterday and it was negative. I could have called in for a prescription then, but with everything going on, I figured it wouldn't hurt to wait another day.

Also, day light savings? You are a mother-fucking bitch. I hate thee so.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate

You are the corporate conspiracy driven by electric/power companies to make us pay more (I know it only comes out to 1-3% more energy usage, but to a large company, much less industry, it's a lot of $$). You steal an hour of my precious time and make my sleep schedule all wonky for a week or so. Damn you. We do not need sunlight at 9pm! Reee-dick-u-lous-ness. You have most people fooled. Not me. I say we need to get rid of Daylight Savings. I will vote for whomever* runs on that platform! Begone, the antiquated practice of screwing people!

*not Jeb Bush or anyone related to the Bushes or any Bush fans (hereby known as Bushies)

Bizzzzzyyy

So busy. Skipped breakfast. Had a cupcake thingie for lunch and a Diet Coke (hey - I wasn't fat in jr high when all I ate for lunch was a Snickers or Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a Coke - at least now I'm onto Diet Coke; I'm all growns up!) The cupcakes were 200 calories each, so lunch was 400 calories... not too bad, considering. And it was extremely appreciated. I'd been eyeing those cupcakes in the vending machine for weeks! Ok - gotta go work now before I get sidetracked and spend too much time writing...

Ready to get going

I'm ready.

Really.

Ready.

For all this to start happening.

It seems like everything is on the cusp of actually starting. I've been feeling crampy and think that maybe, just maybe, I'll be starting my period soon. And then, we can get the whole getting-knocked-up thing going. I'm so ready for that to start. Although I am slightly worried about the positive OPK test on my cycle day 24 and 26. Because, what if I really did ovulate all on my own then? What if I could be pregnant now? (Wishful thinking, I know, because I know there is a very slight chance of me ovulating on my own actually happening, but it's possible.) And that my period wouldn't naturally start until a week or so from now? But that I'm supposed to start taking Provera Saturday? And you aren't supposed to take that stuff if you are pregnant. So, there's a little concern there. And apparently a lot of questions, not only in my head, but apparently? Here too. Me loves the punctuation!?:;"',.

And the house stuff? Am so ready for that. So, SO ready for all that to begin. Movers are coming this weekend. ( I have to repeat that to myself like a mantra) I don't want to drag my feet on this anymore (not that *ahem* I've been the one whose feet are scuffed up from all the dragging, but we aren't naming names...) I'm just so ready for this stuff to start! Let's get the house listed so get going! Let's find a buyer! Let's buy a house! I've already found several cute ones. Let's move! Wait, I have an even better idea! Let's get pregnant and move!!! Can you say decorating a nursery in a new house? I promise to to bitch too much...

A friend of ours (who, I'm not at liberty to say) is pregnant. I'm super excited for her. A little bittersweet about it (I mean, she just was saying that she was going to try. And it only took like, 3 months. If that. How come its so easy for some people?) but really happy for her.

I think I got punched in the ovaries when I was little and that's what broke them. You'd think they would have healed by now.

Roller Coaster

Wednesday I tested (as I do every morning) for ovulation. Although Wednesday was my cycle day 25, I still tested. It was positive. With all my previous tests and being on medicine and whatnot, I have not ovulated. So, I was pretty freaking happy that it appeared that my body did it on its own. Thursday I tested and got a negative. WTF? I then proceeded to get super crampy and period like. My stomach hurt. My back hurt. It took a long time for me to go to sleep last night with all my pains. So, I'm very curious as to whats happening with my body here... if I actually ovulated or just got a false reading. Maybe I screwed up the test. But, if not, and if I don't start on my own (and with a negative pg test) I will call to get my prescription for Provera that will start everything up. Yipee! The wait to begin is almost over!

I also am super excited about the prospect of moving. We have hired movers to come and take our shit March 8. We're moving to storage and then listing the house. I am so, very excited. Especially since I found a house I want. I want it and love it. (I get this way, mind you, every once in a while.) I have yet to actually see it, but my god, I want it. I am torturing people by showing it to them. I want it. Its just beautiful. Do I actually think we'll get it? No. Its out of our price range (by a tad - OK more like $25,000, but you know - small change)(and to justify it even more, its empty and has been on sale for a while and no one's bought it yet - they've lowered the price and nothing... I can dream, dammit). It's in a great neighborhood, in a great area. In exactly where we want to live. But I know I'm getting too invested in this house already and I need to keep telling myself that we won't get it and it's too expensive.

BUT I WANT IT

New York, Part One

so New York. It was great. We had a blast and froze our asses off. We woke up at 3am, like expected and made it to the airport in good time. Was all ready to go when we found out about the storm that hit the Northeast. We were delayed two hours. Ugh... it wasn't too bad, but any delay sucks, especially if you've been up since 3am. So we finally got there and began our adventure. We stayed at the Hotel Roger Williams, which was pretty nice! Very modern and stylish. (Marc and I even got a free upgrade - heehee). We went to Original Ray's pizza - the best pizza we had in NYC. We then went down the Canal Street, where I got a totally fake Coach bag, that looks pretty good and a fake Tiffany's necklace, that I just liked the look of. The back rooms we went to were amazing - we went into one through a hair salon for jeebus sakes. I only wish our shopping had been more thorough. I mean, really we just hit a very small section of Canal/Mott that was pretty much all in Chinatown. I would have liked to see more. Especially since the jewelry rip offs aren't anything like what we have in Houston. I mean, sure you can find great bags on Harwin (if you dig) but not really jewelry. At least not that I've seen.

Anyway, to get back on topic... We then started our trek back up to the hotel. We walked. For forever. It was cold. COLD. We stopped off at a bar and got a drink and tried to dry out a little bit, because it wasn't just cold, it was sleeting. So we got wet. Yuck. We walked like 30 blocks to our hotel. We ate at Veslaka (or something close to that) a Ukrainian cafe. The food was pretty good. We walked over to Times Square which was cool. I was a little disappointed from the angles we saw the billboards and lights at - it wasn't what I had traditionally seen Times Square like. Oh, well. For as much as we saw, there was a lot we didn't. We also went over to Grand Central Station to check it out. By that time it felt like we had walked everywhere and were exhausted, so we went back to the hotel and went to sleep. It was probably close to midnight or later. I really lost time of when we did what... it just all seems to melt together.

Saturday we woke up at 8-ish to meet for breakfast and experienced public transportation NYC style. We bought an unlimited day pass on the subway/Metro! It was surprisingly a lot dirtier than Moscow's. A lot. I was really pretty surprised. Moscow's stations are all individually decorated (and when I say decorated, I mean intricate mosaic tile, statues and busts; really beautiful stuff). The tunnels also weren't as deep as in Moscow. The elevators there were really steep and took forever. It makes me wish Houston had a better mode of public transportation. We have the bus and the light rail, which seriously so few Houstonians can actually ride, its pathetic. We need a train. Or something! I mean, Moscow had trains, the Metro and buses. NYC has buses, subways and (I don't know if this is technically considered public transportation) but taxis. Houston needs SOMETHING. Everyone drives their own car - how sick is that?!? Is it any wonder we're so fat and polluted down here? Get us some trains so people from the burbs can get to the city in a reasonable ($ wise) and environmentally friendly fashion.

OK, so rant over - and since I'm still very very tired, so ends my post for today.

New York, New York

Here I come. Well, after I get off of work, go home and pack, wake up at the ungodly hour of 3 something (dear, sweet jeebus, seriously... according to Marc, "We have to leave by 4 or I will be freaking out.") so I can do my hair and makeup and pack up all tolietries and what not. Argh. I will try very hard to remember that I can buy things in NY and do not need to bring everything I could possibly think I may need, when I pack tonight. I will try to have one bag, and one bag only. I will try very hard to only bring what I really need. And not too much more. If only everything with Jen would work itself out, then the whole thing would be perfect! They're calling for 1-3 inches of snow in NYC, so I hope our plane doesn't get delayed or anything.

Plans are Fun and Good

so I guess i should start with the weekend... my friend Sarah came over to learn Adobe InDesign. We went to dinner and then spent a couple of hours going over the program. She wants to learn it so she can put it on her resume. We went to bed early... ten o'clock. and slpet until ten o'clock. I am really worried about being pregnant. I know you're supposed to be really tired and stuff, but if I can easily sleep 12 hours a night, how much more will I want to get while pregnant?!? Jeebus. Anyway, so Saturday we met my family up at a ghetto Chinese food buffet to see my great grandmother's sister, Aunt Katie. It was pretty fun. My grandmother, great grandmother, aunt and her husband and family and my uncle were there. My cousin (fourth removed) was there as well as my uncle's mom. Sunday we went to look at Amy and Ponch's storage space. I am very proud of myself. I packed up my shoes and organized the rest of them and cleaned out my drawers and under the bed. It was a lot of work! Marc had President's Day off (bastard!) and so he hung out at home and played computer games. I had a pap smear (fun!) Monday afternoon and then went by Half Priced Books to pick up some goodies. I got 9 books! I was excited. I then went home and played the Sims. I'm starting to get really excited about NY! I'll have to pack sometime and try not to mess up my newly organized closet and drawers. I weighed myself the other day and realized that the weight I gained, and then lost, I have regained. It was only 5-10 pounds, but that number made me stop and freak out a little bit. So I lost the weight and now have officially gained it back. I really need to start eating better. I realized I was gaining it back when I felt my clothes getting tight. *sigh* Marc says I need to cut out the sweets. Which I totally do. I know they are part of the reason I'm so large and I need to stop eating them everyday (cuz I do. Everyday. Desserts are a normal part of a meal for me). I'm kinda bummed about that... that and knowing that in NYC I will be a cow. I know most people there do not weight as much as I do and I'm kinda bummed about being this big and going on this trip. Jen (who we're going to NYC with and her husband Alex) has recently started taking that Alli stuff and has lost like 30 pounds!!! She looks great. All I can think about is that I wish I could have lost that much weight. She's only been doing it since January. I'm so jealous, but I know I shouldn't take anything while trying to get pregnant. Ugh... I keep dreaming about my treadmill being up and running and using it. Now that I have my iPod, I need to make a playlist and start excercising on my own outside. :P I hate excercise.

But onto the good news! The plan! So, at the RE's yesterday, I talked to the nurse about which plan we should do (monitored, what dosage, etc) for this upcoming cycle and she said she would talk it over with the doctor and see what she said. My history of having been on Clomid with little to no results led me to think that it would be best if I was on a higher dosage and was monitored as to not waste money and to just get it going...

As a back note - my history includes 10 days of 10mg of Provera with a round of Clomid at 50mg. My progesterone came in at around 1.2. No ovulation. The second round was 10 mg of Provera to induce a period, then 75mg of Clomid. The progesterone level that time was 3.1. Also, not good. But I think it was positive to see that my levels went up with a higher dosage.

The nurse freaked me out a bit by mentioning starting me on 50mg of clomid and timed sex (you can only take a limited amount of Clomid, so by doing that would waste a month... my RE said 6 cycles was the limit.) I told her I didn't think that would be a good thing - she looked it over and told me we could see what the doctor suggested (yes, please!) So she called today and the doctor said that the monitored high level Clomid (100 mg) would be the best course of action! Yippee! So come day 1 of the period, or day 35, something will start!

Stuff Happening..

So, I guess, Happy Valentine's Day! We went to Taste of Texas (ToT) for dinner where they do not take reservations, so we actually sat down at around 9ish, after a two hour plus wait. We shopped at Bed Bath and Beyond, but since none of us had our handy, dandy 20% off coupons, we didn't buy anything. So, we stuffed ourselves on fantastic steak. Oh my fucking god I love that place. So good. I got roses (aww.. what a sweet husband)(but I knew I was getting flowers - kinda takes the surprise out of things; in fact I told my Marc not to buy me flowers anymore, because they were expensive ($50) and just died and I thought there were things I would much rather have for $50. So no flowers for me anymore, unless by surprise and then I told him I like tulips. So if he's confused would you blame him? Heehee.) Anyway, work sucked major ass yesterday. I was sucked into a long phone call right at five o'clock and couldn't leave, at which time traffic sucked some major balls. Took me about an hour to get home. Uck.

We heard back from the doctors about Marc's SA and the rest of my bloodwork - Marc is a rockstar with supersperm! My horomones are normal! (I don't know that Marc would agree with that, but what does he know? The blood, it does not lie!) So now we have a super game plan. Yay me/us. i'm just excited to know things aren't as bad as they could be and actually seem like they could be ok! I just feel very positive.

On the downside, having to tell my boss about this stuff, without actually going into details about why I have so many doctors appointments, pretty much sucked. I was just trying to be helpful and informative. I don't know the schedule yet but will let him know... And Jen, my friend and bosses boss, was brought into it and she just kinda was like well, I'll guess you'll have to use PTO because its hour by hour now. The whole thing just kinda pissed me off. I knew that wasn't right, and because I'm exempt, I actually think its illegal. But whatever. I talked to the exec HR lady and she cleared things up for me. I just need to make up my time. If its less than four hours, no vacation. So there. That's what I thought. And Jen knows I can and will work from home and make sure I have all my shit done. I mean I don't punch a fucking clock, but can. Because I work my fair share of overtime. Just because she works from 7:30 to 5 and through lunch doesn't mean we all have to. And just because Jeff works from 9 till 6 or whenever and never sees me here before 8 doesn't mean I'm not here! Ugh. Not everyone is a super, over acheiver like her. And not everyone is super busy all the time. Give me some fucking work to do. Its what I'm here for.

Wow. So when did this become a rant? Ok. *breath out* Feel better now. Anyway, so yay, everything seems to be going well. We'll start things on my next cycle, the March cycle. If I don't start on my own, we'll start with Provera, like I've done before. An ultrasound. Then onto Clomid and then, with an LH surge, the IUI. If I don't ovulate with the Clomid (My history is two cycles with 50mg and 75mg, both with disappointing results - little to no ovulation) then I'll be more monitored and we'll get into measuring follicle size and trigger shots that will force my body to ovulate and then the IUI. So, yeah. Stuff going on. Hopefully. And hopefully all this will work miracles and I'll be knocked up.

Also..

I realized I never explained the whole HSG X-ray thing and I hate it when I read about something and never find out what happened or how it was. It went well! It was very uncomfortable, but, ok. It didn't really hurt, just the cramping and horrible uncomfortableness. I went in, waited. Changed clothes and then waited. (I waited for like 1.5 hours). They finally call me back and I explain that I have to pee. Like really badly. So I pee, but try to leave some in because apparently, I will have to pee again after the procedure. Then it starts. They take a picture. The speculum happens. The catheter happens. The blowing up of the catheter. The injection of dye. The cramping, because, oh my god - how does it feel so much like menstrual cramps? How is that possible? And why does my back hurt so bad? Back cramping I didn't expect, but it is where I cramp during my period, so maybe I should have been more prepared. So the dye is in and they take pictures. I have to rotate to the left *snap* I have to rotate to the right *snap* I lie still *snap* I go pee *snap* and finally, I'm done and they take everything out. I'm left with a big wad of crap between my legs and stuff coming out of me. But the x-ray looked good (so they say). No blocked fallopian tubes (yay!) and the x-ray administrator said I didn't have any fibroids on my uterus. Also yay! So that's basically it. They made a DVD of it and I took it over to my RE's office. They haven't called me (grrr...) with the results and in fact, they still don't have the results of my day 3 hormone test and Marc's SA (gggrrrrrrrr.... ). I am seriously irritated by that. I called today and discovered they didn't have them. No I'm just really impatient. Come on! It's been a week! Will update with results...

Big Brother!!!!

Starts! Tonight! I cannot wait to see what stupid ass people they have in the house this season. Marc is totally dreading the entire thing, because it means Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Sundays will be out of comission for me (and him) while I watch my show. Weee! I'm so excited.

I also need to get my car washed, oil changed and (most importantly) my state inspection done. But its yucky outside, so I don't wanna.

Monday, Meh

Notes on Infertility:

Basically, I've learned I need to lose weight. That may help with the infertility thing. Joy. Because I need to feel bad about my body even more. I like being a lazy couch potato. Do you watch TV? It's fun. Play on the computer? Also fun. And entertaining. And, dammit, I have a treadmill so I can exercise and do the things I like at the same time, but it. will. not. fit. inside. my. fucking. house. So there. "A" for effort, right? I think about exercising. I also think about the day the goddamn spell check will work and I don't have to look like some kind of illiterate idiot.

And, also no more smoking (I know, I know, but its only when I drink, which isn't that often and its not like I'm going to be drinking while pregnant, so you see my whole train of thought? Yeah. Now, no verbal abuse for smoking and not being able to get pregnant. I know.) And now I'm seriously going to stop. It shouldn’t' be too difficult (knock on wood) because I don't even like the taste of cigarettes anymore and they stink and I hate smelling bad, but dude, they don't call it an addiction for nothing. I sometimes just crave one. I can go weeks and just crave one. And if I happen to light up and take a couple of drags, I remember that they suck and are nasty and I put it out. The problem is when I drink (and therefore smoke) and that smoking can exacerbate infertility. And now that Marc knows that and that he hates, oh my fucking god, he hates that I smoke (even as infrequently as I do (I'm an angel, I swear)) I am going to get so much shit, its not even funny.

So, yeah. Fun, Monday. I guess I could consider this past weekend my last hurrah. Because I drank a lot (like almost an entire bottle of vodka. yeah. seriously.) and smoked a lot and generally felt like stinky crap on Sunday. But, it was fun!

No more of that kind of fun for me.

HSG today

And I am incredibly nervous. I realized I don't have my Advil with me - it's in the car. I was reading (bad!) about other people's experiences; it can be super painful for some people! So, yeah. Am nervous. Was also reading more about PCOS (which I have) and the complications with diabetes that occurs and am now worried that I will never lose weight and always be a cow. The article I read suggested cutting out carbohydrates, which sucks, because carbs are my favorite type of food! Pasta, potatoes, bread and cakes - yum! I am going to try it. I can feel myself gaining weight again - I felt it before and was able to lose about 5 pounds, but I've stopped being careful and can now sense the weight gain. Back to being more careful, I guess.
:(
So un-fun. I just really like food.

Blood

So yesterday was the exciting blood work up! I had eight vials of blood drawn! I mean, wow - it was a lot more than I had anticipated. CJ, the blood drawer (yes, I'm sure thats her official title and she would love for everyone to call her that - you just tell her I said it was ok) was awesome. She was goooood - didn't hurt at all. Poor Marc got the baby treatment. He didn't watch me getting my done and had to be laid down to get his done. He is terrified of needles and doctors and the whole thing. He did very well, though. I made fun of him, but was very nice. He also had his sperm analysis (snicker, snicker, hee-hee I'm so freaking mature). I thought it would be difficult for him to "perform under pressure" since he was worried about it, but apparently his concerns were unfounded. He also said (and I'm sorry to hear this) that if he had been gay, he wouldn't have had any magazines to look at! What's up with that? What if it had been a gay couple trying to use one of the daddies spermies to impregnante their surrogate? What would he have used? It just doesn't seem right, but I guess its not really my concern. I just feel bad for the people who might have liked that option.

On a completely different subject, the spell checker doesn't seem to work. So I apologize for any spelling errors, because I don't feel like going back and correcting them all. This applies to Monday's post too. Meh.

So now I just have to get through the HSG x-ray which I am admittedly a little nervous about. I mean, the doctor told me I could take Advil. Which you may know is just not good ohmygod advil will kill any hopes you have of conceiving if you take it it means you don't really want a baby, so this basically tells me to be prepared for the pain. Yay. (And it wasn't that big a deal... I'm just being slightly overly dramatic) (but seriously, whatever. Everyone knows Tylenol sucks and Advil rocks at just about any kind of pain you could have. Like I said: what. ever.)

Stoopid

Am. So. Stupid. Went searching for drafts in blogger, cuz I was thinking, well what's the point of saving something if jsut disappears? And then I realized that it doesn't really disappear. It is saved. And I. am. retarded. So I rewrote the whole thing (see previous post) when I didn't need to. 'doh

Cry... a little... now...

I just wrote this whole great big beautiful thing, hit save and tried to open a new page and hit home, when I accidentally sent this page home and going back... there was nothing. Nothing. *wimper* There was a lot. And now, nothing. *wimper, sniff*

Well, I was writing all about my weekend. I shall try to re-create my previous brillance. Without tears. No promises on the no tears part though.

So Groundhog Day! Super Bowl Sunday! And the Red Tide flows again! Tht basically sums up my weekend. That and other words like laziness, junk food (can anyone say ice cream cake?), heating pads and the couch. Friday night, Marc, Amy and I went out to Chuy's to celebrate Groundhog Day and Marc's raise! - yay, husband! - I am seriously so proud of him. He works really hard and totally deserves that raise - and he got one for his employee, too, who is also most deserving. Chuy's was awesome as always and we left a little drunk, very full and pretty fucking happy. From our late night the night before (thank you Handyman Gary), I was exhausted and fell right asleep not too long after getting home. Marc woke me up easily Saturday morning, reminding me that we needed to go and see what the Great Groundhog had left in our shoes and I? I got an iPod (and candy)!! Whoo-hoo! I was so exciting! It's my Groundhog and Valentine's Day present, which is great and kinda funny, because I totally had a vivid dream of getting an iPod for Valentine's Day and funnily enough, the one I got looks exactly like the one in the dream I had a couple weeks ago. Marc got a book an a CD (both Amazon wishlist items (thank GOD for that thing!)) and candy as well. After all the excitement, we had to rush to meet Amy and Ponch for breakfast at Mama's - yum! Blueberry pancakes (is it any wonder we're fat?) We made a stop at the Sketcher outlet store where Marc and I both got 2 pairs of shoes each (yay Marc shopping!) and then made a stop at Costco for cat supplies. We then went home where my ass stayed, with a heating pad, for the rest of the day. I spent that time watching Groundhog Day (love that movie) and moving songs over to my new iPod. Marc was nice and burned all the CDs I wouldn't let him burn before to teh network so I could upload them. I wouldn't let him do it before because my husband is a music snob. Seriously. And he makes a lot of fun of people who listen to "trash" aka a lot of my old CDs. He has me edumacated (kinda) on what "good" music is and I was not eager to let him have full acess to open ended teasing. But, I'm really glad he did it, because apprently a lot of those CDs were on the last leg of life. I did not treat them well and most were mutilated to the point that my laptop would freeze with them in it. Eek! fortunately, I now have them all digitally, so the Coke I spilled on them that I didn't clean can continue it's work at eating away the CD. The iPod process was a long one that I was very impatient to get through. I was dealing with pre-period cramps that Tylenol just does not work well against. (Damn torturers who said I can't have Advil or Midol).

Sunday I woke up early with horrible cramps and the discovery that I! Started my period! Unmedicated! Like a normal person! Yay me! And then the pain brought my glee crashing down to Earth as I gulped down the Tylenol and got my ass on the heating pad. Where it stayed. Until Marc wanted pancakes and I made them for him. (Let me pat myself on the back a little more... I made him breakfast! After him putting up my cranky ass and helping get my iPod set up. He rocks. I married the best man ever.) Then it was back to heating pad therapy until we went to the store to forget stuff. We managed to get enough for chips and dip (because nothing says binge weekend on crap like candy and chips and dip) and burgers. That we ate during the Giants winning the Super Bowl over the Patriots!! Wow! And good for them. I didn't like the Patriots and their sore losing, cheating ways. And good for Eli Manning winning and getting the MVP. Although, I do have to say a few things about that (and the game in general):

1. Look, I know that Eli lead his team to get those points that won, and that fourth quarter drive was amazing, and he is deserving of the MVP, but really? There is no way they would have won that game without that defense bringing it. That defense Won. The. Game. The whole line should be MVPs of that game, because they rocked. Hybrid Escalades for all, is what I say! Come on, Lincoln, dole that shit out!
   
   
2. The old lady up there on the platform - hilarious. And isn't that guy young for a GM? I have to say though, that had I been those players, I'd be like, wait a second. WE won the game - what the hell are doing with our trophey?



3. I loved Tom Petty as the half time show. His songs are so universal and cross generational, I thought it was a perfect choice. And he rocked. But dude is getting old..
   


4. I think Brady totally faked needing that cast and was playing mind games. And I don't like his baby-mama-leaving ass anyway. Punk.




5. WTF is up with the horribly shitty commercials???!? Oh my god, they were all horrible. All of them. I think two made me smirk. SMRIK. No laughter here. Barely a smile. And all of that crap cost HOW MUCH?? These people should have hired the striking writers for some better shit. Cuz they all sucked. Major disappointment. Major. At least the game made up for it.

Overall, a wonderful weekend spent with my baby. I couldn't ask for a better one. Well, I take that back. I wish the Packers ahd been the ones schooling those Pats, but, for what it was, it was great.

Funniest

thing I've seen in a long time.

She is brilliant.

Am. So. Tired...

Seriously, ya'll. (I'm from Texas and can say that without sounding ridiculous unless I want to, so there.) Handyman was at our house until one. o'clock. in. the. morning. Guess who has to wake up and go to work? Me and my wonderful husband. Guess who makes his own schedule... not us. He mentioned working late into the night and how he liked to stay until everything was done. I didn't think he meant 1 am. I've consumed two Frappaccinos today (I really am turning into Britney - although she's way skinnier and way more fucked up than me... ) and am now slowly drinking a diet coke. To make up for all the sugar in the Frapps, I decided to skip lunch. I munched on some goldfish (they have added calcium = healthy so shut up!) as my lunch. Yay, caffeine! So sorry doctor who told me no more than 2 cups of coffee a day for caffeine whilst TTC. I figure this could be an exception. Cuz, you know. Am. Tired. I normally get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I would be happy getting 10 hours a day, but that would require going to bed much too early. I am a night owl by nature, so it is much easier for me to stay up late than to wake up early, thus making going to bed early difficult.

On a completely different matter, what is the deal with people not answering emails!?! Ugh... I cannot do my job unless I get answers! to important questions! WTF?

Work rant over. Back to the excitement of the handyman. Everything he did looks good, so I'm pretty happy with that. He still has to come back and finish our laundry room door, and getting him out to our house again might be a struggle, but as long as he does it, I'm happy. And I'm eager to get movers scheduled because I think that's the only way we'll actually move forward with the whole getting the house on the market thing. Having them come in will motivate and force us (me) to get our shit together. And having me nag and bitch will also force Marc to get his shit together, which I unfortunately see a lot of in the future. We got into a fight Wednesday afternoon because I wanted him to do something to prepare for Gary (Handyman) and was angry and said how I had done everything, which pissed him off, because apparently his thinking was that he had done some stuff (which, to be fair, he had, I just don't know that I would have categorized it as doing stuff in preperation for the handyman. And I also categorized anything he did with me as being null and void, because obviously, I was doing it too, so...)(longest sentence ever!). Anyway, he said I was being high and mighty and a martyr, which was totally correct, however, I felt (and honestly believe I was right in thinking this) that I totally deserved to feel that way if I wanted to. But when I got home, he had done everything I had wanted done, including a couple of my things. So, yeah. We apologized and fight over. ButI have a feeling this is not going to be a one time deal. sigh...

Amazingly, for the amount of tired I am, I sure can write l-o-n-g posts about shit. My tiredness must = shit being pulled from the ass. Beware bosses and coworkers...

Working late

:P yuck yuck yuck... I've been pretty busy today and will be busy tomorrow as well, but at least I get to be busy from home half the day. Tonight is going to blow chunks because we have to get the house ready for the contracter... ugh... talk about a chore. Marc doesn't think it will take too long, but I have a feeling it's going to be more than expected. And we get to watch the last seaon finale of Lost tonight to catch up (I'm so glad they're doing this because otherwise I would be... wait for it... lost)(heh.. heh heh I so funny) on what happened when we left off. I told Sarah that I made the blog open to strangers and told her if she wanted to find it, to try. Go ahead mutherfucker, give it your best shot! No, just kidding. But I didn't give her the name of it or any clues to help her. I guess we will see if she found it. I bet she would leave a comment and it would be my first one. :)

Oh my god, I can't believe its taking so long for this file to attach itself! Jesus!!

An Uplifting Monday

So Monday was my first appointment with the fertility doc, or RE as I've seen them called (and will refer to my doc as, because its easier to write)(which stands for Reproductive Endocrinologist)and it went pretty well! I talked with the doc about all the options and possibilities and she set up a game plan I even got a diagnosis all in the same visit! Which, miracle upon miracle, was the very next day after being referred. I was referred Friday and was able to set an appointment for Monday. Un-freaking-believable if you ask me. A good omen for the whole business too.
As a part of the first visit, they even did a vaginal ultrasound, which showed PCOS (or polycystic ovary syndrome - here is an informative link). Which explains the huge time gap between periods and the spare tire around my waist! (Oh, wait... well, that and all the crap I eat and the lack of excercise I do daily...) And which shows that my body can produce eggs, just is unable to bring them to full maturity and release them. (Well, that's what tests so far show - but its common and a 'good' thing, considering all the 'not good' things out there.) I have a game plan for everything and I know whats happening next and what we hope to have happen (blood work, semen analysis, xray, then hopefully a clomid/IUI combo (IUI informative link here)). YAY!

Pretty fucking good for a Monday! And (shh) I got to go home after the appointment... at 2:00. Actually, I got to go shopping and then go home. The only bad thing is that I didn't get my friend a baby present and I met with her for lunch today. Bad Lawren, Bad!

What a Weekend

We were busy this weekend! Marc and I went out to Sherlock's the local pub/bar where Marc and I first met and where he proposed (we're classy like that) with Amy and got drunk and stayed out late. Marc was with me at first, but then got bored as he wasn't talking to the awesome duo that is his wife and sister (we make a great team whilst drinking) and went home. I proceeded to make a couple of waitresses at Sherlock's really pissed off at me (that's a shameful story for later) and made it home by 3ish? I think? So was quite hung over Saturday.

Saturday we met up with the Gosmanos and friends at a place called Candelari's and had pizza and beer (not that I drank the beer cuz beer = yuck... me likey the Jack Daniels). The ladies went to get dessert at Amy's Ice Cream (yum!) and then we drove out to Jennifer's birthday party and her house. We walked into a full-swinging party where everyone was drunk (not me... I was the DD). Had I been thinking, I would have taken pictures. A lot of pictures. Blackmail picures... Sunday we packed up some stuff and sat on the couch like bums. BUMS, I tell you. We never left the house and watched some crap on the TV. We even went to bed early.

Since starting the whole "trying to have a baby thing" I have told exactly THREE people about that. THREE. One is my friend/boss, one is my best friend and one is a lady I work with who prompts secret telling - she's very good - you practically can't keep anything from her. Really. Especially when you're drunk! So, had I not been drunk, she would not know. There is, as you can probably tell, some regret in that information getting out, and its all my (and Jack Daniels') fault.

And it's not that I'm ashamed of being 'infertile' (sheesh, what a label). I just consider it a very private thing. I don't think it's anyone's business but my and my husbands and I really don't want people asking about it. I mean, really. I'll let you know when I'm ready. So, I should have been prepared (or more so) when the 3rd person wanted to "talk about it". Wanted to "see how I was doing". Well, agreeing to talk to her was a mistake! I should have said, "I'm fine! Really! Nothing to talk about here! Nothing to see! Let's just move right along!"

But, no. That was not what happened. We went outside, by ourselves, and talked. And when I say we talked, what I really mean is she talked. All about her birthing experiences to her three kids. Really. REALLY. How two of them were horrible and how she wasn't having anymore, etc. And then gave me advice! Seriously - advice! Since, obviously, she's had kids and knows how to get pregnant and I am obvioulsy doing something wrong. You know, I should relax and not be stressed, cuz you know, that can make a difference. And, the kicker - my personal favorite was that, it just might not be "meant to be". Was it wrong to then ask her, well if one of your kids dies, would you like to hear, "Well, it just wasn't meant to be." I didn't say that. I know she's trying to help. But! I didn't ask for advice! I didn't ask to be consoled! I don't need those 'nice' cliche sayings! This is why I haven't told people! People are assholes! Insensitive assholes who suffer from diarrhea of the mouth!



I knew from reading other infertile people's blogs that people are dickheads about this sort of thing, especially women/mothers, for who getting pregnant wasn't difficult. I should have been more prepared, I suppose, but wasn't. It's funny how the nicest, coolest, most well-meaning people are just insensitive pricks when it comes to spouting off about things they know nothing about. I must apologize if I've ever been one, because I truely believe that she had no idea how she sounded, and to be fair, was a little drunk when telling me these things. I don't think she was purposefully callous, and I don't think you always know you're being an asshole when you are. Quite a lesson about thinking before speaking.

My Stupid Body

Or my stupid ovaries. Same diff...

Well, it seems I have officially been welcomed to the supremely shitty world of infertility. Fanfuckingtastic.

I have an appointment with an infertility specialist. Bring on the bills! The clomid didn't work. Again. And my stupid OB/GYN referred me to this other doctor after two tries on it. Not three, like she said. I guess when you increase the Clomid and I still don't ovualte that says something. That something is "Sorry - take your non-egg-producing ass to be someone else's problem." Ok, maybe that wasn't an exact quote from my doctor, but it still stings like good old fashioned rejection.

So now I get to go through what thousands, millions of other women have been forced to go through. Joy.

I have to admit, I always thought I would have a problem getting pregnant. My mom told me that ever since I had the most wonky and irregular periods. So is it that I convinced myself it would happen or was it going to happen anyway? Too philisophical for my muddled brain (its Friday people!) Knowing, believing this, I always protected myself from it. Told myself that it didn't matter if I had kids or not, that it wasn't that big a deal. I've been trying to prepare myself for this ever since I was a teenager yet, the reality sucks a lot more than I thought it would. I thought I had myself convinced that it would be ok if things didn't work out. Now, however, things have changed. I never told people I wanted kids. I will still hedge around it because I don't want to open myself to it, all the way. When people ask, I say oh maybe... we'll see! And I fool myself into thinking that this time will have worked! In fact, I was convinced I could actually be pregnant this time! I was so sure I ovulated. And,this is just the beginning. The beginning of a long road.

I just hope I can manage to maintain hope, dignity and humor through it all.

Wow..

It's been almost an entire year since I last blogged. It's a good thing I remember to do this around the new year. I thought it would be a lot of fun to do, but man, am I bad a finishing things. I changed the color of the background thinking that maybe I would attempt to start anew.

Anew is a funny word. an-ew. a-new. ane-w. Words are funny (God, I feel like I'm channeling Ralph Wiggum)

I don't consider myself much of a writer - writing is never one of those things I wanted to do 'when I grew up' and I feel quite vulnerable about putting my shit out there for people to see. And read. And judge. Time to get over myself, since I am apparently doing just that. (putting my shit out there)

(Ok - I am getting seriously annoyed with myself and my lack of typing skills. Every time I type a word with a double letter in it I type the letter before the double letter twice. For example funny comes out looking like fuuny. grr)

Whoops!

So I suppose my little experiment is a failure... considering its been so long since I last posted, I would say that I pretty much forgot about this little page. But so much has happened!! I got promoted, found a new BETTER job, and quit much to everyone's surprise and started my new job and am now quite... not bored, but when you don't know much, its hard to DO anything... so thats that. I'm thinking I might delete this thing.